Megasaurus So Awkward

I can't believe we're going to meet your new boyfriend.

Oh, you're going to love him. He's so kind, funny, and cute as a pie.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, here he is.

HE SCOFFS

If she brings in, like, a hamster or a sandwich, I'm saying something.

This is the most serious Jas has been about anyone.

So whoever comes through that door, just smile and act supportive, OK?

-No.

-Is that...?

Mr Ted from TV's Ted and Friends?

I love that show. The one where you ate a big jelly, that was genius!

I know! I'm dating a celebrity.

-But Jas, you can't go out with Mr Ted.

-Why not?

-Because he's going out with Little Ms Ted.

-Really?

I thought they were just friends.

OK, let's not overreact.

I'm sure Little Ms Ted will be totally cool about this.

SPED-UP YELLING

That has to be the most ridiculous dream I've ever heard!

I know! Mr Ted would never eat a big jelly.

He hates wobbly puddings.

And the dating a bear part, obviously.

It's OK, I have mad, crazy dreams sometimes.

We don't really think you have a crush on a giant furry.

What?

It had a big Mr Ted poster taped on the door. It's crazy!

I'd have thought tape was the perfect adhesive for that purpose.

It's not about the adhesive, Martha.

I think Jas is lonely.

Think about it. I've got Rob, you've got Ollie.

I haven't got Ollie.

Our friendship is based on a

platonic, mutually beneficial work ethic.

I know! And that's what makes you such a sweet couple!

It's not fair. Jas is so great, funny and lovely.

She deserves someone,

so she won't be all sad and lonely like she is now.

She just needs a little help finding a boyfriend.

It goes like, "Rawr!"

Take that Megasaurus impression.

-Some boys might find that weird.

-They'd be right.

Megasaurus, it's not even a real species.

We've got to do something, Martha.

Our happiness in our relationships could be forcing Jas out.

No wonder she's avoiding us.

Hey, guys. Do you mind if I sit with Rufus?

He's literally going to do all my calculations for me.

We completely understand, Jas.

Whatever helps you right now.

OK, see you!

Smiling through the tears.

HE SCREAMS

-How long have you been there?

-Only since chapter three.

Congratulations!

Mrs Griggs asked me to help trial a buddy scheme for next year.

Guess who I chose as my mentor?

You're everything I aspire to.

Your mind, your drive.

Well, I guess you may have a point.

So you'll do it? Oh, wow, thanks, Ollie!

-You won't regret this.

-Well, I-I never actually said yes!

Don't do it.

Trust me, nothing good ever comes from Mrs Griggs's schemes.

What was I supposed to say?

Uh, no?

It's not that hard to say, is it?

And then I thought, why not try a buddy scheme for teachers as well?

What do you say?

Nnn...

Nnn... Nnn...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Me and him, buddying up? You've got to be joking.

Yeah, what she said.

I don't have time to babysit some numpty with tomato soup on his tie.

It's... I take issue. That is carrot soup actually.

How long does this normally go on for?

A couple of minutes, usually.

Rufus, I just want to say thank you for working with Jas.

Oh, she's a great partner,

and this could be the start of something incredible.

Really?

Wow. Do you think she feels the same way?

I think so, though I thinks she expects me to do most of the work.

Maybe she just needs some encouragement.

-Would you talk to her?

-Of course!

Aww!

You guys are going to be in happy heaven!

Uh, it's actually pronounced haploid,

because of the number of chromosomes.

We are talking about spores, right?

Isn't this amazing?

You and Rufus are going to make such a cute couple.

-Are we?

-Yeah!

-Apparently you just need to show him you're interested.

-Right.

Um, what if I'm not interested?

Right, we're going to need to do your hair, obviously.

But, do you know what you really need?

An all-you-can-eat pasta Big Sam Sandwich Bar?

Dating practice.

Dating practice?

Yeah, first dates are a minefield.

What to do, what not to do.

So come around mine tonight,

and we'll practise that crucial first romantic dinner.

Thanks, Lily, but I'm not sure...

Whoa. Did you say dinner?

Yeah, I'll cook us a meal.

Ah!

Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to practise a romantic dinner.

Let's say, lasagne, chips, onion rings, salad, and,

you know, garlic bread.

Well, it's not just about the eating.

I'm also going to teach you how to be a good listener.

All right, Lily?

You need to give a boy your full attention.

Let them know you're really hearing them.

So, I got these 3D cinema passes, if you're up for it.

Ignoring a boy is basically, like, the worst thing you can do.

Oh! Hi, Rob. I was just giving Jas some dating advice.

Now, the first thing is how to ask him out on a date.

You need to be really careful how you do this.

Oi, Rufus!

Lunch tomorrow?

Yeah, all right.

Oh, are you eating that?

Might have yoghurt on the date.

Better start practising now, you know?

Wonderful move, Ollie. It's like watching an artist at work.

Thanks.

I think you're enjoying this.

What? Of course I'm not.

Why would you even say that?

Listen to me yammering on.

Your lunch isn't going to fetch itself!

Chicken salad sandwich, red apple and a coconut water, right?

Maybe we should pick this up later?

I can't. Maxwell and I are upgrading the firmware on our PCs.

Honestly, being a mentor is such a drag.

What?

So, how's my favourite mentor?

Yeah, about that.

I'm really busy these days,

and I'm not sure that Jeff even needs a mentor.

Oh, Vicky, if anyone is crying out for your help, it's Mr Malone.

The poor man's a disaster!

He lacks any kind of presence.

Sometimes I barely notice that he's in the room.

-WHISPERS:

-He's not that bad.

He doesn't even own a jacket with a full set of buttons.

And as for that weird ear picking thing he does when he's annoyed,

and have you see the way he eats his sandwich?

But he's not totally hopeless.

Honestly, I think he has the makings of a really...

..average teacher.

Absolutely. And I wish you the very best of luck in drawing that out.

No, no, I didn't mean...

I look forward to seeing the results.

Mr Malone, you really shouldn't sneak up on people like that.

Wow. That's two helpings of lasagne you've finished.

You're really taking this romantic meal rehearsal seriously.

Thanks. Maybe I should practise with that garlic bread?

Right, next stage of Lily's guide to the perfect date -

conversational topics.

-What about impressions?

-Impressions?

Yeah, people love 'em!

Have you seen my Megasaurus?

Jas, under no circumstances are you to do

a Megasaurus impression on your date.

-Why not?

-Because it's weird, it's childish,

and it's not even a real species.

-You don't know that.

-Right, do you want to practise this meal or not?

Well, if you're going to insult my Megasaurus impression,

then I'm afraid...

-Is that pavlova?

-Mmm-hmm.

The boys are probably running late.

Right. Not that I mind.

Oh, no, me neither. I needed time to, um...

..clean that. So, I'm good.

And I'm certainly not fighting

a creeping sense of rejection and loss.

THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY

They're probably not even together.

OLLIE LAUGHS

..and then the spy said to the Queen,

"I actually meant hydrogen bond."

That is the funniest joke ever!

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

So, I hate to be boring, but the tournament's this weekend, so...

Ooh, I'd actually promised Maxy I'd play him today.

Don't worry, I'll take it easy on you.

Don't do that. I want no mercy.

Really? You want me to beat you?

To be slain by the master would be a dream come true.

Oh, OK.

Maybe you can play your famous move, the Coulton Gambit.

Oh, I'm not sure we'll have time to cover that.

Then we'll have to make time.

I suppose someone has to inspire the next generation.

And inspire he does.

Well, they're certainly getting along.

I just hope it lasts.

It would be terrible if something were to break them up.

Right, yes! Simply terrible.

Young people in love.

Is there a better thing to see?

A 3-D movie?

I think I could get us seats on the middle row, but...

Look at them. They've got so much to say to each other.

If only I could hear their sweet nothings.

They ran out of yoghurts again.

-Typical!

-Ketchup?

He bought her a gift!

How romantic!

Is ketchup romantic?

I'm so good at this. I should run a dating agency.

I mean, obviously I wouldn't charge, but maybe I should charge.

Uh-oh.

Why are you putting your fingers in...?

SHE GASPS

One second.

I didn't even get to do the noise.

OK.

-What?

-Nothing.

I thought you were about to play the Coulton Gambit.

I can't wait to see it.

I don't know, Maxy, are you ready to lose?

Oh, yes! You have no idea how boring it is winning all the time.

I need to lose,

to lose and grow in the face of humiliating defeat.

Sounds healthy.

And to lose to Ollie Coulton's legendary chess move,

would be my greatest honour.

Tell me. How did you discover it?

Don't worry too much about the Coulton Gambit.

I have plenty of other ways to win.

You see, when you're as good at chess as I am...

-Checkmate.

-What?

Weird. Why did you let me win?

Um....

For a joke! Ha-ha!

Oh, right, very funny.

So, shall we play properly now?

Yes, of course.

Checkmate number five.

Is this still a joke?

No, this time I was testing you.

Congratulations!

You're finally ready for our first proper game,

tomorrow.

But next time we play, you're definitely going to beat me, right?

-Absolutely.

-Great.

What are you doing?

Cheering you up. Listen, don't feel bad.

We all embarrass ourselves with a dodgy dinosaur impression sometimes.

Well, not all of us, obviously.

-I wasn't embarrassed.

-Maybe you're just scared of getting hurt.

-I'm not scared.

-Rob, can you bring in the "Don't Be Scared" cupcakes?

Actually, maybe I am a bit scared.

Relationships aren't easy. There's a lot of give and take.

Thanks, Rob.

-But it's so worth it.

-Yeah, well, I gave it a shot.

-Think I'm good now.

-No! You have to give it another try.

What about another meal out at Big Sam's Sandwich Bar, on me?

So you'll buy me free lunch if I go on another date with Rufus?

-I'm in!

-Let's fight for love.

To love!

Yay, love!

This is your idea of helping me get tough, is it?

If I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it properly.

Now, come on. Role-play with me.

I'm a complex rebel with anger issues.

Now, give me an order!

Fine!

Um...

Pick up that piece of paper.

Get off my case, sir!

I don't view you as an authority figure or nothing.

-I might go.

-No, no! Come on, it's working.

Just one more try.

Uh, pick up that piece of paper or I'll put you in detention.

I don't care.

I felt lonely and outcast for as long as I can remember.

All I know is anger and hurt,

and hanging out in windy bus stops with Laura Jennings.

And, sure, I know things will change when I reach my 20s

and get into teacher training college,

but until then it's just me and Laura against the world.

Well, that was a good start.

Erm...

for me at least.

I'm just not sure I'm a "get tough" kind of teacher.

Sure you are!

Show me your tough face.

SHE GROWLS

HE GROWLS

Sorry, what was that?

HE GROWLS AGAIN

I can't hear you?

HE GROWLS AGAIN

Come on! You're setting empathetic boundaries

while meeting of the requisite attainment targets.

One more try!

HE GROWLS AGAIN

That's it! Now, get yourself out there.

Yeah!

Greetings, mentor.

Ready for that rematch?

Well, you know I'd love to, it's just I'm so busy right now with...

HE GROWLS

You kids that need to be outside at break time. You know the rule.

We're kind of in a meeting.

HE GROWLS

Don't make me tell you twice, my lad.

Outside now.

It's fine, we'll be done in a sec.

Oh, just listen here. Oh, I can't be bothered by this.

Take your time, lads.

Just let me know when you've finished with the room.

I'll be outside.

-Were you followed?

-I was careful.

I thought it was time you and I addressed...

..the problem.

Agreed. It's a difficult situation...

..especially with the chess tournament openers coming up.

Wouldn't it be terrible if Maxwell and Ollie were playing each other

this year?

As competitors, they'd have to stop hanging out, break up.

Everything would go back to normal.

I can't fix the line-up, it's wrong.

They leave us with no choice, Martha.

Don't pretend you haven't thought it too.

We need a better meeting place.

I don't see the problem.

Just pretend it's a date and we can get free lunch at Big Sam's.

-It's simple.

-It's not though, is it? It never is.

This is going to turn into some big thing,

with you getting trapped by your own lie, and I don't need this.

Four words, Rufus.

All you can eat!

They'll just keep on bringing us food.

Forever! Please, I'm begging you.

It's just so complicated.

Why does it have to be this way?

Won't you even try, for me?

I'm sorry, Jas, I can't.

It's over.

SHE GASPS

How could you?!

You do realise if she starts crying,

we're going to have to go straight to the canteen and get ice cream.

Great! Now we're stuck eating hot fudge sundaes

until Jas feels better.

It might take a while.

Gosh, would you look at that!

Right! Quite by chance, Maxwell,

it would appear that you're playing Ollie in the first round.

-Quite by chance.

-Quite by chance.

If we're playing in a competition,

Ollie will have to throw everything he's got at me.

Maybe he'll even play the Coulton Gambit!

And you're happy about that?

Too long have I hungered for the sweet taste of defeat.

My wait is over.

My time is here!

We really need to work on your self-esteem.

-What are you doing?

-I think Lily's up to something.

We need to get our story straight.

How many times? I don't care.

I want no part of this.

Good idea! Just deny everything.

There's nothing to deny!

Amazing! I love how you two just can't stay away from each other.

-Yes, we can!

-It's OK. I get it.

The chess club opening rounds start on Saturday.

I thought we could all go.

But we can't. We've got lunch at Big Sam's, remember?

-Yeah, we can.

-See, Jas, all you have to do is believe.

Anyway, I'll leave you to it.

Got lots to talk about.

What?

Look, the sooner you get tough, the sooner I can stop mentoring you.

What's the plan this time?

I caught two kids spraying graffiti in the girls' loos this morning.

-Which is against the rules!

-Oh.

They're on their way up now.

Just give them detention in front of Mrs Griggs,

and then bingo, Mr Tough Guy.

Who's Mr Tough Guy?

Mrs Griggs, thanks for coming.

Mr Malone has some rather serious news. Right, Jeff?

-MAXWELL ON VOICE MAIL:

-Hi, me again.

You probably didn't get my last 83 messages,

in case we missed each other...

-PHONE:

-Message deleted.

VOICE MAIL: Hi, me again...

Message deleted.

So I'm outside your house...

Message deleted.

Hello?

Message deleted.

Got to love Maxy, so keen, so ready to learn.

Does this... Does this thing turn off?

-What are you doing?

-I just came in here to think.

But you always go to the science cupboard to think.

The janitor's cupboard is for secret meetings

and hiding from other pupils.

There's no easy way to say this.

Maxwell keeps beating me!

I thought you were letting him.

No, he's unstoppable!

I don't know how we got put together like this.

Who knows? But, never mind.

The inventor of the Coulton Gambit can beat anyone.

Right, there's something I should tell you about that because...

Yeah, that's the spirit.

Come on, we should probably get to class.

Spray painting!

I'm glad you brought this to my attention.

The culprits are on their way up here now.

Luckily, Mr Malone is going to get tough with them,

like the great teacher that he is.

Martha, you broke the rules?

What? No, she didn't.

Yes, I did.

Um, but I had to! Ollie basically made me.

-What?

-I see. Well, I have no option but to give you both a detention.

-You really don't.

-On a Saturday.

-BOTH:

-What?

Yeah, can we start again?

As you know, I have a "punish first, think later",

zero-tolerance approach, vis-a-vis this scenario.

So, you know.

HE GROWLS

Most impressive.

I never knew you could be so assertive.

Well done, Ms Parfitt. I knew you could do it.

Aww, look at you guys.

I knew you'd work it out.

See? When it's true love, you should always follow your heart.

So, if two people want to do different things

on a Saturday afternoon, they should both do what they want?

Exactly.

Even if that means me going to see Revenge of the Killbots without you?

Exactly.

Sorry, Revenge of the what?

If I go now, I can still catch the trailers.

And, I can beat the queue at Big Sam's! Awesome!

I meant... No.

Um...

Never follow your heart. Always compromise.

Yay for love!

It's not that bad, Saturday detention.

You like school, and now you're here on a Saturday too.

I said I was sorry! Look, I even brought you snacks.

How could you do this to us on the day of the chess match?

I'm being tough.

Do you want a caramel wafer?

It's all right, Mr Malone, I'm happy to pass on this game.

The inventor of the Coulton Gambit doesn't pass!

You should be out there showing them what you're made of.

-That's the thing, I can't.

-Why not?

Because I don't remember how to play the Coulton Gambit!

THEY GASP

Sorry, why are we gasping?

What do you mean you don't remember?

It all started the day I discovered it.

I'd smashed the openers,

and was ready to face Mikey Pawnbasher Phillips

in the second round.

Mikey had captured my bishop, and had my king in his sights.

I was a goner. Then I heard it.

A dull roar echoed around the room,

as if the grandmasters of the past were speaking to me.

CHEERING

And the last thing I remember was the sound of wild cheers.

There wasn't that much cheering. I think everyone just clapped.

Not the point.

And didn't that noise you heard just turn out to be excess earwax?

The point is I have no memory of the Coulton Gambit or how I did it.

That shouldn't stop you!

Win or lose, you've got to try.

-I can't, I...

-Come on, how bad could it be?

No, I mean, I can't.

I'm in detention.

Ollie, you have to do this.

HE GROWLS

Yeah!

Really, so you're letting us go?

Yes. Ollie, you can't run forever.

This is about facing your fears.

If you do that, you'll never have to run again.

The...

Oh, they've gone.

May the best man win.

In other words, you.

I can't believe Big Sam!

"There's no more food left."

It's either all-you-can-eat or it isn't.

-Tomato?

-No, thanks.

Hey, where's Lily?

I thought she was with you.

Look...

I don't want your sympathy.

I mean, yes, I did come here alone, but don't feel bad for me.

Because, deep down, I always knew that love is for idiots...

..and romance is dead.

And it's just better to know the truth.

-Gum?

-Thanks.

Will you two just give it a rest?

She'll probably cheer up later.

SHE BLOWS HER NOSE LOUDLY

Of course it wasn't going to work with Rob!

Do you know why I knew?

Perhaps you could tell us quietly?

Because it was all too good to be true!

I had it all and then I threw it all away.

Jas, you were right.

Love and romance is pointless if you can't have fun with it.

And I'm just... I want fun.

Can we put something over her?

I can't even do that stupid dinosaur noise!

I don't understand.

Why are you still letting me win?

Unless...

you've been trying to win all this time.

Look!

Rawr!

He's remembering! He's going to do it.

Checkmate.

Oh, thank goodness.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, oh.

Thank you, Ollie. It was an honour to lose to the master.

-You're welcome?

-But I'm afraid I found a new mentor.

Someone older, someone smart yet tough.

The man who put Ollie and Martha into detention.

That's some teacher.

Are you sure this is going to work?

Trust me. I'm a love expert.

Hey, any time, any film on me.

I don't need them, thanks. I've still got these.

-You didn't go?

-Without you? No.

You've finished being crazy now, right?

Definitely.

Oh, we got four of these!

So, maybe Jas can bring someone.

HE SCOFFS

Well, it was just a suggestion.

Maybe one of your friends?

Rob!