Anger Management So Awkward

Vikings were a fearsome bunch.

Most terrible of all were their berserkers -

warriors who fought with uncontrollable fury.

Lily...

Lily, can you at least wait until I'm talking about something boring

before you start daydreaming?

I'm not daydreaming.

You have a bit of drool on your chin.

CLASS LAUGHS

Can you stop laughing at me?

Oh. Can I get you a teddy?

And maybe a hot water bottle?

Stop laughing at me!

Lily... Lily...

Lily? Can you at least wait until I'm talking about something boring

before you start daydreaming?

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Loving the axe, by the way.

I am pleased to say that Ice Cream Friday was a huge success,

despite it taking place on a Tuesday.

And the fact that there was no ice cream.

So, moving on to...

Sorry I'm late.

You would not believe the traffic in Strasbourg this afternoon.

Well, carry on.

This is a Parent Teachers Association meeting.

You sit with the parents.

Oh...

I see.

So, moving on to the annual school fun run.

Mr Salford will be taking charge again this year.

Keith.

Oh!

Don't usually see you at the PTA.

No, I tend not to get involved with the little people

but Martha thought I should lend my support.

Oh. Well, lucky us, eh?

Fun run.

I know what you're thinking -

how can we top last year's fun?

Do you remember Mrs Thompson?

Getting bitten by that goose!

HE IMITATES GOOSE

Sadly, this year we're not allowed back on the farmyard.

But fear not, the fun will live on!

How? Two words.

Glitter cannon.

I'm surprised you have time for community activities,

being away from home all the time.

I'm hardly away ALL the time.

It's usually up to humdrum stay-at-home mums

like me to muck in and raise a bit of moolah.

-Moolah?

-It means money.

Yes, I know what it means.

I can do young people talk too, you know.

Even better, this year we're tying the kids up.

Together, that is.

It's a three-legged fun run.

I'm looking for two volunteers to help me organise everything.

Who's up for it?

I will be happy to help raise some moogla, Mr Salford.

Mrs Fitzgerald, wonderful.

Anyone else?

Oh. What a shame.

Looks like it's up to us working mothers to...

I volunteer.

Fantastic. First meeting tomorrow evening.

Ladies, we are going to have a lot of fun!

-What are you doing?

-Look.

Our legs are totally in sync.

It's like we're made for three-legged racing.

Ow!

Sorry. We can practise.

We can practise a lot.

Right. Thing is...

..I was thinking I would partner with Jenny.

Jenny Jones?

You want to be tied to Jenny Jones?

Yes, she's pretty athletic.

Athletic? Rob, why would you even say that?

She's the fastest runner, so we're more likely to win.

Tactics.

-Ow!

-This is a fun run, Rob.

A fun run.

Is Jenny Jones fun?

Is she more fun than me? Is that what you're saying?

Is that what you're saying?

Course not. I'm just...

No, I get it, I'm just your lame,

boring girlfriend and Jenny is your fun, athletic,

three-legged girlfriend.

Is that it? Is it?

Chill, Lil. Whatevs.

I can run with you if you like.

-Crisis averted.

-Uh, no, it isn't.

I'm still cross. Don't you get it?

We're having a row here.

I'm no good with rows.

Can't we just leave it at whatevs?

No, we can't. What is wrong with you, Rob?

You're so laid back.

It's like you don't even care.

Why don't you care enough to get cross?

Hmm, Lily is annoyed, if I'm not very much mistaken.

According to my We See Book Of Emotions,

I think you'll find she was frustrated.

I'm going to tick off frustration.

We can't really say we've spotted an emotion

unless we can agree what it was.

Hmm, you're right. This merits further investigation.

And then she ran off crying.

-Weird.

-I know, right?

I mean, how is it possible to be too laid back?

Well, if it's possible you are definitely it.

-You think?

-Rob, you're so laid-back, you go along with anything,

very easily.

No, that's not true.

-Yes, it is.

-Yeah, maybe it is.

-See?

-Oh.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I do need to get a bit of a temper.

-How would I do that?

-Don't ask me.

I am a rational being, a creature of reason.

Grand emotions have never really been my...

Oh, my Galileo.

Who put my protractor in my pencil case?

It's supposed to go in the geometry set.

The geometry set.

Who did this? Huh? Who did this?

Uh-oh. It looks like Ollie's having a stationery crisis.

Hello, Lily. Everything all right?

We were wondering if you're feeling...annoyed.

Or frustrated?

No. I'm fine.

So...why do you want Rob to get cross with you?

I don't. Why would you think that?

-PHONE: Why don't you care enough to get cross?

-End recording.

-Were you recording me?

-We record everything,

that way there can be no farcical misunderstandings.

We notice they happen a lot around you.

OK. Fine.

I don't want him to get cross with me.

It's just, nothing gets to him, you know?

How can you care about anything when there's no passion,

no fireworks?

I just want him to lose his temper at something, anything, just once.

Lose his temper?

Perhaps we could arrange for him to do that?

And spot him doing it.

Yes. We'll need a stooge.

Why am I doing this again?

It will make Lily happy.

I don't care about Lily.

Lily's best friends with Martha.

If Lily's happy, Martha will be happy.

Is that how it works?

As far as we know.

Martha happy.

ROMANTIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

Oh!

Oh!

SHE GASPS

-ROMANTIC MUSIC STOPS

-Hmm.

SHE LAUGHS

Alfie!

Subject's in sight.

You know what to do, Alfie.

Make him angry.

Whoa!

Careful there, little dude. That kind of hurt.

No reaction.

This might be harder than we thought.

This might be harder than I thought.

Fun run, here we come!

Mother, you negotiated an amendment to the Duisburg Treaty.

I'm sure you can handle a PTA subcommittee.

-Yes, yes, of course.

-See?

You can do this. Turn that frown upside down.

Oh! These look nice.

They're cheese and Marmite brownies.

Amazing!

I brought cake.

-Got a bit sat on.

-Oh, lovely.

And what did you bring?

I wasn't aware that I...

Oh, don't worry -

it's just a nice thing we homespun mums and dads like to do.

I'm sure it's not the sort of thing that busy professionals

would think of doing.

Martin, get onto the caterers - and tell them to hurry.

And then he said, "I'll run with you - crisis averted."

Can you believe that?

And that's a problem why?

I don't believe this! You too?!

Oh, this is so simple. Why does nobody understand?!

Maybe it's not Rob who's got an issue with anger.

-Maybe it's you.

-Me?

I don't have an anger problem!

Do I? SHE SNIFFS

-Jas?!

-Shhh. I sense...

..cake.

So I thought I could make us a colourful hand-painted banner

for the side of the school.

Oh, no, I'll get us one printed up.

Much more professional.

But much less fun.

We'll let the focus group decide what's fun and what isn't.

-What do you think, Keith?

-What?

Oh, no, don't worry about the banner.

This year it's viral advertising all the way.

I'm going to get a really crazy image, put it everywhere,

get everyone talking, then -

when the mystery reaches fever pitch -

we hit them with...fun run!

Excellent idea.

And which advertising agency are you using?

It's like all my dreams became cake!

Can we have a quick word?

I just wanted to make sure you were aware this is a fun run?

I'm quite aware of that, thank you.

With the emphasis being on fun?

You know, keeping it light?

I know what fun is.

I'm fun, lots of fun.

Fun, fun, fun. Carefree.

Mmm!

Jocular.

-Ah!

-You're the one who's looking serious. Come on - smile.

What do the young people say?

Rotate that frown 180 degrees...

SHE SNIGGERS

-Rotate that frown!

-THEY LAUGH

Rotate it 180 degrees!

Good one!

Rob, I just wanted to...

Oh!

-What happened?

-I don't know.

It's really weird.

I keep having these mad accidents.

See? Bizarre.

Sorry, Rob! Lunchbox slipped out my hand.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah, just a bit mildly injured.

Wow, you really don't get angry, do you?

What do you think you're doing?

We're trying to make Rob lose his temper, as you requested.

I never asked you to...

PHONE: I'd just like him to lose his temper about something - anything -

-just once.

-End recording.

Look, I didn't mean for you to do this, OK?

Just stop hurting Rob.

Do something else.

What do you suggest?

I don't know - anything.

Use your imaginations.

We'd better call off Alfie. Fairly quickly.

Hey, Martha, check it out.

-What is that?

-It's something your mum said yesterday.

"Rotate that frown 180 degrees."

It's so crazy - I love it!

-Let's send this to Lily.

-No!

You can't animate Mother.

-You have to delete it.

-Why? It's inspiring.

No, it's inspiring horror in me.

What if Mother sees it?

What just happened?

I think you just e-mailed it to everyone in the school.

Is everything OK, Rob?

There's squirty cream on my books.

Oh. Sorry to hear that.

It's OK - I love squirty cream.

Do you think I'm too laid-back, Sir?

Laid-back.

How can you be too laid-back?

Am I right? Ah.

-Lily says it's like I don't care.

-HE SCOFFS

Women! The thing is, Rob, when you're a...

Ah. When you're a young easy-going dude, like we are,

people are going to want to change you.

But you don't have to change.

You've just got to relax, you know?

You've got to roll with the punches, take life as it comes, you know,

don't let anyone fritz with your mojo, yo.

Just stay chill.

-Whatevs.

-Mr Malone...

HE RINGS BELL

..I thought you'd like to know that your car was parked

in the loading bay and the council have come to tow it away.

-Have they?

-Mm-hm.

Like I care!

I'm just going to go hang.

Hello, Robert. Good news - we have a solution to your problem.

It's no good. We can't get it back once it's sent.

There is one thing we could do.

Take down the network.

Really? You mean it?

I know you've always wanted to.

Oh, finally!

Thanks, Martha. I knew that botnet would come in handy one day.

COMPUTER CHIMES

Hi, Mother. What's up?

Up? What do you mean, up?

I mean, eh...what is happening?

Oh, I see. Young people talk.

Well, there is an up thing, Martha.

A horrendously up thing.

This...

That's... That's...

That's all over the internet, is what that is!

And I know exactly who's behind it.

Mrs Hampton.

She's been trying to undermine me since day one.

Well, if she thinks she can...

No, Mother, it was...

Network down!

JAS LAUGHS

What?

Are you sure you can actually do this?

Yes, can he?

Jake hypnotised a chicken once.

-That went OK.

-How did you know it was hypnotised?

It thought it was a duck.

Look, I'm not sure I want to be hypnotised.

There's nothing to worry about.

It's easy. As long as you're fairly suggestible.

Ah, see, I'm not suggestible,

so I'm just going to go.

You should stay.

Or I'll stay. Whatevs.

I think this is going to be easier than the chicken.

Now, I just want you to close your eyes, relax,

let go of all your thoughts, and count backwards from ten.

Right. Erm...

Ten, erm...

Nine.

Yes, I know.

Wait, where did I get to?

OK, forget the counting.

Now, when I click my fingers you will be completely under my power.

-HE SCOFFS

-Yeah, right.

Now, Rob, I'm going to take you back to the last time you were angry.

When was that?

I was three years old.

My best friend was a jar of frogspawn,

which I kept in the bathroom by the sink.

But that day the jar wasn't there.

It was on the floor, open...

-..and empty!

-TOILET FLUSHES

My frogspawn!

They flushed my frogspawn!

Now, whenever Lily gets angry I want you to go back to that moment,

and it will be Lily who flushed your frogspawn, OK?

Lily flushed my frogspawn.

Good.

Now, when I click my fingers, you'll wake up,

and you won't remember a thing about this.

-What happened?

-You're cured!

I don't feel any different.

Don't worry, you will.

You'll make Lily very happy, which will make Martha happy.

Happy...

Don't ask.

Mother?

Are you sure this is a good idea?

No, of course it isn't!

But we can't let her blame that GIF on Lily's mother.

We have to tell her it was us.

Hello, darling. I'm sorry we got cut off earlier.

Yes, the network went down.

Oh, it was awesome!

-Ly bad!

Mother, I've been thinking.

Erm, about the meme, with your face on, it was...

Oh, that? Don't worry about that.

-I couldn't care less.

-Seriously?

Do you really think I'm the sort of person who'd get worked up about a thing like that?

Erm, no, I guess not.

Well, you guessed correctly. Now, off you go - I'm busy.

Busy working on my revenge!

Eat my cheesy brownies.

SHE LAUGHS

SHE GROWLS

Hey, Lily. Sorry I'm late. You still OK to practise?

Of course. And, Rob, I'm sorry I shouted at you yesterday.

That's cool. Don't worry about it.

Erm, I think maybe I've got a bit of a temper.

No, it's me who's got the problem.

I'm too relaxed.

-You're right.

-I don't know.

I really think it's me.

-It's me.

-No!

-It's me!

-Three years old...

That day... It was on the floor, and empty!

I flushed your frogspawn down the toilet.

Aaargh!

Why would you do that?

You're horrible! You're mean!

You're so mean!

Rob, what are you...?

You stink! I hate you!

I hate you!

My frogspawn!

Aargh!

BANGING ON DOOR

Fern, what can I do for you?

I'll tell you what you can do.

You can tell me what you have to say about this.

Well, I suppose I'd say, what do you have to say about this?

I'll tell you what I have to say about that.

I'll tell you what I have to say about both of them.

Keith Salford.

Yes, well, you might say that, but...

-Sorry, what?

-Keith Salford.

Ah, he's obviously behind this.

Think about it. His top-secret viral marketing campaign,

a crazy image to get everybody talking.

You mean the...?

To publicise the fun run!

So you think Keith made this?

Obviously. Fun run volunteers always end up looking stupid.

Well, this year, I say, let's fight back.

Let's make HIM look ridiculous.

What did you have in mind?

And then he called me frogspawn.

That's so cruel!

You hardly look anything like frogspawn.

It's just a passing resembl...

He's bang out of order! You should break up with him.

I can't do that.

I told him he had to be more angry.

Oh, don't blame yourself.

He's the one who's comparing you to amphibian eggs.

No-one else is - especially not me.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

I guess I'm just going to have to stay away from him forever.

DOORBELL RINGS Ooh! That might be him now!

Lily? What's wrong?

What do you mean, "What's wrong?"

Do you not remember what happened on the field?

Not really. It's all a bit of a blank.

Did you get angry again?

-Did

-I

-get angry?

Are you joking?

This is unbelievable!

After everything you did, you still have the nerve to blame me?!

What is wrong with you, Rob?

Frogspawn...

It was on the floor... Three years old...

Frogspawn, my frogspawn!

You're so horrible - I hate you!

That's it! It's over.

Go and run with Jenny Three Legs if you want.

See if I care.

Hey, Lily. Happy?

Erm, at the moment, no, not particularly.

Oh. Martha happy?

Yeah, I think so.

And approximately how much of that happiness would you put down to me?

Lily, are you sure you don't want to run with me?

I'm sorry, I just can't - not after what you said.

Said what? I don't understand.

It's not like you've got anyone else to run with.

Well, actually, maybe I have.

Maybe I've got someone just as good as Jenny Jones.

-Have you thought of that?

-Who?

Erm...

Alfie! He's really athletic.

-Am I?

-Shhh. So go on, go and tie yourself to Jenny Jones.

See if I care.

I do care. I totally care. We have to beat him.

This way, please!

Follow Mrs Hampton.

It's good to see you've put your differences behind you.

Yes, well, on this occasion I may have been a little hasty.

It seems it was your father who made those graphics of us, Jas.

-BOTH: What?

-It was all for his viral marketing campaign, apparently.

Erm, this is the viral marketing.

Question mark run.

You must've seen it - they're everywhere.

But, then, who sent out that awful image of me?

Erm... That was, erm, kind of, erm, us.

All right.

Well, in that case I...I have to go and talk to Mrs Hampton

rather urgently.

Come on, they're already ahead of us.

Why do you want to beat them so much?

Because he shouted at me, and called me frogspawn.

-Why is that a problem?

-Not you as well.

I don't look anything like frogspawn!

No, but they told me you wanted him to shout at you.

Cassie and Maxwell?

What did you do?

Fern, did you do it? Did you booby trap the glitter cannon?

I certainly did!

When he pulls that rope, he's going to be absolutely...

No, no, no! We have to stop it!

He didn't do it. Keith didn't...

I didn't do what?

Keith!

Shouldn't you be at the finish line?

I thought you were on the glitter cannon?

No, Mrs Griggs wanted to set it off.

That woman is a fiend for explosively propelled confetti.

No, I just thought I'd come down here and start the race!

Keith, erm, there might be a slight problem with the...

HORN BLASTS

Sorry, you were saying?

We've got to stop her setting off that cannon.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ladies?

-Legs!

-Oh.

Look - she just smiled at him!

Oh, move faster before they kiss!

I can't. They're too fast.

It's Jenny Jones. She's SO athletic.

Why does everyone keep saying that?

SHE SCREAMS

Yes, use your anger -

it's the only thing that'll get through to him now.

Rob!

Rob, what is it?

Whenever Lily gets angry, I want you to go back to that moment,

and it will be Lily who flushed your frogspawn.

-PHONE:

-End recording.

Frogspawn!

THEY BOTH SCREAM

POIGNANT PIANO

I counted at least five emotions just then.

I made it six.

Very pleasing.

Oh, pleasure.

I'm so sorry about my temper, Rob.

You need to be chilled.

You balance me out. Please don't change.

I don't think I can. You know, Jake tried to hypnotise me,

but it didn't do anything.

Mrs Griggs!

Don't fire the cannon!

What are they saying?

Ah, I think she's saying, "Fire the cannon!"

Well, I'm not doing that until we have a winner.

Mrs Griggs, the cannon's full of custard!

Whatever you do, don't...

Aargh!

Best fun run ever!

CAMERA CLICKS This is going totally viral!

HE LAUGHS