Ultimate Bucket So Awkward

97,864.2?

Correct.

So, with both teams neck and neck, we come to the final round

of the Cranmede maths quiz.

What do you think it'll be? Algebra? Trigonometry?

That's right.

It's the Rob Edwards numbers around.

That's right.

Contestants must now answer maths questions

on the subject of Lily's boyfriend.

This is perfect. You'll know every answer.

Erm, I guess.

How many goals did Rob score for the Cranmede first XI last term?

-BUZZER

-100?

Incorrect.

28. I'm not Lionel Messi.

How long has Rob been using the same toothbrush?

Six months?

-Three years. Everyone knows that.

-BOOING

Final question.

What is the name of Rob's left shin pad?

-That's not a maths question!

-BOOING

-I thought you cared about me.

-I do!

-But I just don't know this stuff.

-JEERING

It's like you don't even know me.

He's got a point, Lily.

Not only are you a terrible girlfriend,

but you're the official maths quiz loser.

ALL: Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser...

So, what does Rob call his left shin pad?

Nothing, it's just a dream.

The point is I obviously feel I don't know enough about Rob.

It's because we don't spend enough time together.

He's always doing football practice

and I'm always at after-school clubs.

-Ba-dum-dum!

-Don't do banana penguin now, Jas!

I need date ideas.

Romance. Quality time.

Why? It's not like any of your weird dreams ever come true.

With you in a sec, Lily. Just need to put Jim and Alan in my locker.

# Ooh, ooh, ooh!

# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

# So! So! So!

# Ooh, ooh, ooh

# Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh!

# So! So! So! So!

# So Awkward! #

Throw me and Maxwell off the maths team?

I'm sorry, but as team captains,

Ollie and I have decided to freshen things up a bit.

But we're key members of the Algebrainiacs.

Yes, without us, we would never have won last term.

That's highly debatable.

Mmm, yeah, I don't remember it like that at all.

7.3.

Eight times root two!

-Four.

-I knew that!

-Five eighths!

-I don't think my buzzer's working.

87,943...

..point one.

They keep buzzing before we have a chance!

I know, it's their lightning fast reflexes.

Curse their youth.

They're making it look like they're better at maths than us.

94 degrees.

Do you know how much we improved the team's performance last term?

-BUZZER

-28%.

-Correct.

You carry that around with you?

Look, it's not about throwing you off the team,

it's about giving Lily and Jas a chance.

What's that?

Ah, we were just saying how you're looking forward

to being on our maths team.

I can take it or leave it, to be honest.

THEY LAUGH

Talking in opposites again! Typical Jas.

-What will she do next?

-Huh?

-Oh, nothing.

Better not keep you, I'm sure Alfie needs help

-setting up the room for the quiz.

-Tell me about it.

Cute kid, but walking disaster!

Are you ready for the best date ever?

-Basket-weaving?

-Very funny!

I've got cakes, sandwiches, everything.

And I've found an amazing spot on the playing field.

We can spend some real quality time together.

Sounds cool. Count me in.

Unbelievable!

Right, you lot,

Mrs Griggs is making me run a lunchtime club,

starting today for anyone who's failing history.

Now, I won't tell you who, because it wouldn't be fair on Rob.

But Rob loves history!

He likes the battles and the gory stuff

but there is more to history than that, unfortunately.

The thing is, we kind of have plans.

So did I. There's a new TV in the staff room and it's Doughnut Monday.

But apparently, my lunch doesn't count.

It's just a picnic. We can always do it another time.

Yeah. It's not like we'll grow apart

and realise we have nothing in common and end up hating each other.

-Right.

-I'm not worried!

Monday lunchtime, Rob's now got to do history club.

Wednesday and Friday, Rob's got football practice.

And Tuesday and Thursday, I've got to practise for a maths team

-I don't even want to be on.

-Yes, you do.

This is your big chance to win the maths trophy.

I've got plenty of trophies.

What I need is more time with Rob.

Look at this.

Fizzy Stuff magazine? You don't buy that, do you?

No! It was in the dentist's.

Anyway, apparently rapper Amy Zalian

has split with her boyfriend Jake Spink.

Reason? "Our busy schedules meant we were spending too much time apart."

Yes! Well, luckily you and Rob aren't Kelly Thingy and Jack Stink.

-Anyway, changing the subject,...

-What, no!

You've got to help me.

I need one of your crazy yet brilliant ideas

to save my relationship.

Like paying someone to be Rob's stand-in.

Or hypnotising Mr Malone.

Or talking about something other than your boyfriend for a change?

Well, how's that going to help Rob?

Rob, Rob, Rob! That's all I ever hear.

Jas is right, Lily. We should be focusing on the maths quiz.

-Thank you.

-It means a lot to Ollie.

He loves maths.

You've only got to mention quadratic equations and his eyes light up,

and he does this funny thing...

Call me when one of you has something to talk about

other than your boring relationships.

What? I'm not in a relationship.

Oh, no! Ollie's late.

He always gets engrossed in some task and forgets the time.

I suppose it's endearing, really.

-Bye.

-No, don't go!

We won't talk about boyfriends.

-It's sisters before misters, right, Martha?

-Of course.

No, not there!

That's Ollie's seat.

Are you sure you've got the ladder, guys?

-Yes!

-Why would Martha and Ollie want us off the team?

We push them, we challenge them, we correct their mistakes.

You'd think they'd appreciate that!

Can you tell it's left over from December?

-No.

-Ugh!

The poor old things must be suffering

from some kind of delusion.

Burn-out. It can happen to the brightest minds.

Really not going brilliantly up here.

We'll just have to show them that they've made a mistake.

Ugh!

Alfie?

Mmm?

Whoa!

Commiserations, Jeff. Heard about the history club.

-Don't.

-I offered to run a geography club

but all my kids' grades were too high.

It's not exactly hard to learn four different types of lake.

There's slightly more to geography than that.

The secret to good teaching is to get the kids

to actually like the subject.

-Fantastic history lesson, sir.

-Oh, thanks very much, Rob!

-I'm sorry, you enjoyed it?

-Yeah, it was amazing.

Any more secrets you want to share?

I'm pretty sure you can let the ladder go now.

It was terrifying.

My whole life flashed before my eyes.

Right. Because from what I saw, you didn't really fall.

Or slip. Or injure yourself in any way.

There's so much I haven't done.

Well, I guess you do have to seize the day while you can.

Rather than wasting your life worrying about

quality boyfriend time or pretending you don't have a boyfriend

-when he's pretty much all you talk about.

-I've always said that.

I should write a bucket list -

everything I've always wanted to do - and just do it.

That's a brilliant idea! I can help.

So, what have you always wanted to do?

Go into space.

Live underwater.

Win the heart of Martha Fitzgerald.

Thing is, Alfie, you have to focus on things that are realistic.

-So?

-Let's forget the Martha stuff.

-Picnic time!

-Is that the same food from yesterday?

It might be. I'm sure it'll be fine.

Sorry, Lily. Got history club.

-Again?

-Mr Malone says we needed more sessions.

How about this evening? We could go bowling.

I've got maths team practice.

-Sorry.

-Go on!

Very popular.

-I wonder what they're doing in there.

-Don't know.

Nobody knows. Nobody will tell me.

No-one will tell me a thing.

Not that I care, obviously.

No. Seems like you don't care.

Good. Because I don't.

Write a song for Martha Fitzgerald

and sing it outside her bedroom window?

-Definitely not.

-Climb Mount Everest?

Not totally impossible.

And abseil back down with Martha Fitzgerald by my side.

Alfie, there's more to a bucket list than impressing some girl.

-Like what?

-I thought you'd never ask.

Two words. Escape-ology.

Isn't that just one?

Now. This is real bucket list material.

Imagine getting out of this lot in under a minute.

Wow. But isn't that a bit dangerous?

Totally! Right, let's get started.

We just want you to know we understand.

Even the world's greatest geniuses make mistakes.

So, we're more than happy to put you back on the right path

with a demonstration of our maths prowess.

My theorem on quadratic forms?

It's basically unsolvable.

In under six minutes, I know.

But with your permission, I'd like to attempt it in five.

-What do we do?

-Stay calm. She'll never do it.

No!

I mean, I mean, "Oh, no, is that the time?"

Right, because, we're late for, um...

..a table-chair club.

-Is that a thing?

-Mmm, yeah.

Furniture appreciation is huge right now.

Huge. But this was fun.

So, keep up the good work.

This is a tricky situation.

Mmm, I'm glad you came to me.

-I haven't said anything yet.

-Oh! I'm trying predictive listening.

It's where I observe body language to discover what you're going to say

before you say it.

-I'm thinking about starting a...

-Ah!

Is this about the smell in the stationery cupboard?

-No.

-I'm thinking about starting...

-Are you sure?

I'm thinking about starting a geography club.

Oh, are your pupils struggling to remember

the different types of lake?

-Geography is about more than just lakes.

-Hang on, hang on.

Ah! You're worried that Mr Malone's history club

is proving weirdly popular with the children

and you're jealous that he's finally becoming a better teacher than you.

Definitely not!

That's the wrongest thing you could have said.

If this was a wrong competition, then you'd have just won. Yeah.

Oh, can't always get it right!

She nearly solved my equation.

No-one solves my equations.

I may as well just give up. Stop challenging myself.

And just buy a calculator.

No! You must never doubt your ability

to normalise integrals unassisted.

OK. I've decided. I can't be on the maths team.

-What?!

-We need you.

No, you don't. Get Cassie or Maxwell.

-BOTH:

-No!

But me and Rob are never going to spend

any time together at this rate.

Our whole relationship is at stake.

OK. What's more important, your relationship, or maths?

My relationship?

Oh! I was pretty sure you were going to say maths.

Sorry, guys.

Look, it's fine. We'll just find someone else.

At least we still have Jas.

Hi, guys. Listen. I've got to quit the maths team.

-BOTH:

-What?

Yeah. I've got to help Alfie out with this bucket list.

It's pretty full-on.

I swear I knew where the key was. It must be somewhere!

What are we going to do?

With Lily and Jas off the team,

we'll have to reinstate Cassie and Maxwell.

And have them answer all the questions

thanks to their superior buzzer skills? No way.

All right, well, how about this?

Lily only left the team because she wanted to spend more time with Rob.

If we put Rob on the team,

she'll stay, and we'll still have four members.

Put Rob on the team? The man can barely count his arms and legs.

We'll be answering the questions, silly.

And it means we can keep Cassie and Maxwell off the team.

Yes. It could work.

As long as Cassie and Maxwell don't find a way around it.

Don't worry, I bet they've already forgotten about it.

"Justice for the Algebrainiac Two?"

We're campaigning for reinstatement

to save you from your own poor judgment.

Do you mind? We're a bit short on signatures.

Nice try, Maxwell, but is it any wonder?

No-one cares about the maths teams.

I'm afraid your campaign is doomed to failure.

Attention, pupils!

Get your homework done here!

That's right, free maths homework done with every signature.

KIDS CHATTER

-Yay! You did it.

-Yay...

No-one's ever roller-bladed eight times around the hockey pitch.

At least not in quite so much mud.

I know! I loved how you kept on falling over and getting back up.

-Thanks.

-Well, I think you're pretty much done.

-Oh, good.

-With the sporty challenges.

Time for something more...

Something special.

Something that will get the feeling back in my legs?

Step this way.

The dirtiest cupboard in the school.

Abandoned, untouched by any cleaner until now.

-Did something just move?

-I hope so.

Otherwise, how else are you going to complete number four

on your bucket list? "Kiss a creepy-crawly".

I know Rob's perfect and everything,

but he wouldn't be my first choice for the maths team.

Ollie and I think he has hidden talents.

Yes, look how good he is at football.

To score those free kicks, he has to deal with angles,

force, trajectory, and...

And keep score.

That wasn't a kiss, it was hardly a peck!

And of course, if Rob's on the team, you can spend more time together.

And...save your relationship.

Aw, that's why you're really doing this, isn't it?

Because you care so much about me.

Yeah, that's exactly it.

I'll tell Rob the good news.

I've already tried that.

Have you been here all morning?

No. No, I...

No, I'm just reading this - "In case of fire, press here".

-Good to know.

-Brilliant! That's absolutely...

All right, everyone, just keep it down.

THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY

Look, I know it's been tough, but look how far you've come.

Now, this one, you'll really like.

What? I just have to eat a cake?

-OK.

-Yes!

And not just any old cake. Chilli cheese muffin.

Number eight on your bucket list.

"Try the spiciest cake Jas could find on the internet."

Argh!

Don't worry, a simple glass of milk

should take that burning sensation away.

MOBILE BEEPS

Reminder. Buy milk. Whoops!

Do you think not having Cassie and Maxwell on the team

is making us a bit unpopular?

These things usually just blow over.

Hello, Mrs Thomas.

Hello, Martha and Ollie.

Good news! Almost the entire school signed our petition.

Thanks, Mrs Thomas.

And we're confident that Mrs Griggs will make you reverse your decision

and get us back on the team.

SHE GROWLS

Everything's going to work out just the way it should.

You're worried about the lack of gluten-free options in the canteen?

Predictive listening, it's where I use body language to...

Forget it. Carry on.

It's about the maths quiz.

We know Cassie and Maxwell have a lot of support, but...

Which ones are they again?

Small, kind of cute, intense stare that goes right through you?

You read their petition, right?

Let me show you something.

This is every petition anyone's sent me this term.

Every letter, every campaign.

Do you know what I do with them? I put them in here and ignore them.

What? Even my campaign to close the...

-Yeah.

-Or my request to reform the...?

I wouldn't know. So, what's going on?

-It's the maths quiz. We'd...

-Nothing.

Right!

We just wanted to remind you that it was happening this Friday.

As if I'd forget that!

The what quiz?

Come on! What's not to love about dry-land scuba?

It's all the fun of diving without boring fish and coral.

Alfie! Where are you going?

To successful plans!

Yes, in an uncertain world, you can always rely on

Mrs Griggs not to do the paperwork.

Is this maths practice?

Ah, welcome, fellow Algebrainiac.

I always thought I was a bit rubbish at maths.

See, you have to believe in yourself more.

You're right. I'm going to give it 110%.

Don't feel you have to answer any of the questions, though.

Ah! Running in the corridor...

-What's up with him?

-I don't know, I'm trying to help him!

Well, I'm no expert in body language,

but are you sure you're offering the kind of help that he wants?

-ALFIE:

-Write a song for Martha Fitzgerald...

Abseil down Everest with Martha Fitzgerald...

I just want her to notice me.

Right.

Er, what are you talking about?

It's OK, Alfie. I may have an idea.

Agh!

Predictive listening is a lot harder than it looks.

You students just aren't meeting me halfway!

Well, the thing is...

Wait! I can do this.

SHE INHALES

You quit the maths quiz to help Alfie on some wacky

but well-meaning task, but now realise the best way to help him

would be to put him on the team,

so he can finally get the attention of Martha Fitzgerald?

-Yeah, pretty much!

-Yes!

So, what do you think?

I have to make things up to Alfie, it's for his bucket list.

Bucket lists are very important.

I had our beloved Mrs Rennison type mine up just this morning.

"Do some work."

SHE GROANS

I already told you what is going on in history club -

brilliant teaching, that's what.

You can't keep secrets from me, Jeff.

It's my brain, it's too clever for you.

And I'm already working on a cunning plan

to infiltrate your classroom under your very nose.

I'm not scared.

HE GROANS

100% is, like, everything, and you can't give more than everything.

-See?

-Sort of.

I'll explain later. See you after history club.

It's me, Rob.

You're late. We've already started.

-SHE SCREAMS

-No!

A-ha!

This was your cunning plan? Barge your way in?

Well, whatever works.

So, this is history club, is it?

Yes, and?

You're just watching movies!

Yeah, history movies.

This one's called One Million BC.

It's very educational, it's got dinosaurs in it, and everything.

So that's why it was popular?

-See, I knew you'd be like this.

-You were just slacking.

You're not a better teacher than me!

No, but who is?

Are you going to tell Mrs Griggs?

Should do.

Then again, you have just made my day.

So, dinosaurs...

I can't believe Jas got me on the maths team.

She's amazing.

Maxwell, we made an error relying on Mrs Griggs.

It would appear so, Cassie.

Right, better go practise some equations. Big day tomorrow.

Wait a second. You're just abandoning Jas's list?

After she saved your life?

And got you onto the maths team?

I suppose that is a bit ungrateful.

You could at least try number 12.

Welcome, everyone, to the Cranmede maths quiz.

Hang on to your hats as we prepare for an exciting hour of equations,

arithmetic and formulas. Whoo!

Right. Let's welcome our first team, the Algebrainiacs.

Oh, I'm afraid I've made a slight tweak

to the line-up in the interests of entertainment.

Alfie is replacing you, Lily.

Sorry I'm late. Item 12 took longer than I thought, but I did it.

Memorise every cookbook in the library!

Well done, meatballs... I mean, well done, me.

But I'm supposed to be with Rob.

Well, you're not joined at the hip, you two.

You can watch him from the audience.

'Mix the ground almonds with the polenta, flour and baking powder...'

Look, it's my school, I'm in charge.

Let's have no more nonsense and get on with the quiz.

-You stand next to Alfie, Martha.

-It's OK, we've got this.

Yeah. At least we won't get outshone by Cassie and Maxwell.

Right! And now, let's welcome our second team, the Mathmagicians!

Cassie and Maxwell joined the Mathmagicians?

Ah... This couldn't be worse.

'Heat oven to 190 degrees, gas five,

'boil the potatoes for four minutes to cook the onion in the pan...'

X to the power of four.

-Correct.

-Yes!

They're still too fast for us.

'Start whisking from the centre...

'Drawing the flour into the egg...'

Combine the flour and sugar. Rub in the butter!

And that takes us up to the quickfire round,

for which I need one volunteer from each team.

Algebrainiacs, who's your volunteer?

'Vol-au-vent...' Me!

-What? No!

-It's OK, Martha.

I'm ravioli... I mean, ready.

What is the result of multiplying the complex numbers two plus...?

-Parsley!

-No.

What is the square root of pi?

Lightly whisk it with an egg, and add a dash of cinnamon.

No, but remind me to get that recipe off you.

My buzzer's not working. It happened last year.

It's a conspiracy. I demand to know who wired these things up.

Next question for both teams.

What is 56% of...

-Ollie?

-Erm, 196.

No. I'll finish the question.

What is 56% of 300?

-168.

-Correct!

Yes!

BUZZER

Congratulations, Mathmagicians.

We lost. We lost!

Hey. You know I'll always make time for you, right?

Of course I do. And it's good that we're both busy.

It means we're interesting people.

And, it makes the time we are together all the better.

Yeah. So, are you free now?

Actually, there's someone I need to talk to.

Next history club, Cisco Kid Rides Again.

-Is that history?

-It's cowboys.

It's set in the past.

Fair enough.

Hi, banana penguin! Oh, hi, banana penguin.

I thought you'd be with your boyfriends.

Ollie isn't my boyfriend!

She means we're not.

We thought we could take these to my house.

Just the three of us. If you've got time.

I can probably squeeze you in.

20-25 minutes, at 180 degrees, until light and fluffy.

# Ooh, ooh, ooh! #