Hormone Horror So Awkward

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And now welcome to the floor, Martha Fitzgerald

and her partner dancing the tango.

MUSIC STARTS

This isn't my music.

MUSIC STOPS

Oh, no! I'm wearing my slippers.

Stop it, this is your fault!

Martha, you cannot dance the tango.

-Sorry, Mum.

-Mum?

I mean Miss.

SHE LAUGHS

You called me Mum!

By the way, here's your essay back.

Oh, thank goodness.

# Ah-ha-ha

# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

# Ooh!

# So

# So

# Ooh-hoo-ooh-hoo-ooh-hoo

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# So, so, so

# So

# So awkward! #

Gates to school entrance, 24 seconds.

I can't believe Footsteps To Success is nearly complete.

Just as Captain James Cook mapped the Pacific,

so we map Cranmede Secondary,

recording the shortest journey times for every possible route in school.

Let's go to the library and divide up today's routes.

-Where are you going?

-To the library.

But route 39 is the quickest way, we timed it last week.

-But I want to go this way.

-Why?

I don't know! I just feel like it and sometimes, Olly,

people get feelings.

But I thought we used to disapprove of those people.

Mrs Griggs, do I need to remind you of the no dawdling in the corridor

-rule?

-Ssh! Look.

I've heard about them but I've never seen them in the wild before.

Aren't they beautiful?

-Oh!

-Sorry.

Oh, don't worry.

Well, I'd better get to class.

Actually I've been meaning to ask whether you'd like to join me for

una tazza di cafe.

That is cup of coffee in Italian.

Good of you, I'm all right, thanks.

Are you sure? I have all the flavours.

Caramelito, vanillalito.

Peppermint litatitalito.

I really should get going.

-Your shoes!

-Sorry?

I couldn't help noticing your shoes and I wanted to ask...

Whether you think they are appropriate footwear for the school?

Just ignore Mrs Rennison.

We both think your shoes are just wicked.

-Phew.

-I thought I was going to be arrested by the shoe police.

SHE LAUGHS

Can I just remind you, Mrs Griggs,

that when Mrs Wardle went to Canada on her holidays,

then came to school dressed as a lumberjack,

you had her in for a disciplinary meeting.

That's right, I did.

I'm afraid I must insist that

we have a meeting in my office tomorrow, Miss Parfitt.

Am I allowed to wear the shoes until then?

Should they be quarantined?

Perhaps you'd like me to burn them.

I'm having a coffee with Miss Parfitt.

Martha, I've been crunching the numbers.

The route that we took to the library this morning

was seven seconds longer than the quickest route.

Working on an average of four trips to the library each week,

that is an extra 28 seconds per week, or 112 seconds per month.

Allowing for school holidays

and taken over our entire school career,

this amounts to 7,532 seconds, or 125.5 minutes.

Fascinating, Olly. What is your point?

My point is that your behaviour this morning was totally irrational.

Take that back!

The figures are there in black and white and, unlike you,

maths would never behave erratically.

Maths wouldn't do that either.

Look, I didn't mean to call you irrational.

I'm sure it's just a freak incident, like that time I scored a rounder.

Homework on my desk, please.

Olly, it's not there.

What do you mean it's not there?

I must have forgotten it.

Forgotten it, you?

Well, I was checking the contents of my bag against my morning checklist

but then a bird landed on the windowsill

and it just looked so cold and

fragile, I must have got distracted and forgot to put my homework in my

-bag.

-You let a chilly bird distract you from homework?

Miss Parfitt? I'm very sorry but I've...

..forgotten my homework.

Oh, well, bring it tomorrow, please.

But what will I forget next?

That the average lifespan of an otter is ten years?

Or that Venus is the only planet that spins clockwise?

I mean, where will it end?

I can deduct a house point if it would make you feel better.

-What's wrong with Martha?

-I'm not sure,

but if she was a computer I would be thinking total motherboard failure.

Martha, I know I'm a thousand years old but I do remember what it feels

like to be your age when your hormones are raging.

Sorry, what?

Hormones, that is what is happening to you now.

It's nothing to worry about.

It's just you might find yourself forgetting

things, being irrational and emotional,

just, you know, not acting logically.

And that's the moment I burst into tears.

Weird, I've been feeling the same.

The other day I cried at an advert for lawnmowers.

That's hormones!

Wow!

I have been feeling a lot more mature recently.

So it would make sense.

Being mature must make you feel...

-Irrational.

-Sort of churned up.

Jas, how do you feel?

Sort of fine.

You don't need to lie, we are all women here.

How do you really feel?

I feel...

Rubbish. I feel like a bin that's just been emptied.

A bin that's just been emptied.

Yeah, exactly.

Deep.

When Miss Parfitt was a teenager she lost her appetite

and didn't come out of her room for two whole weeks

and would only wear black. It's brutal.

It's womanhood.

It's hormones.

Ta-da.

Isn't carrot cake clever?

It's both carrot and cake at the same time.

Now, one slice or two?

I don't want any.

I'm going to my room and I'm going to change into black, all black!

We knew this day would come, didn't we, cakey?

Hormones.

Mother, I have something to tell you.

Not an A-minus?

We'll demand a recount, we'll sue! We'll...

No, it's not an A-minus.

Phew.

It's worse.

I, Martha Fitzgerald, am suffering from hormones.

SHE LAUGHS

Don't be so silly, darling.

We are Fitzgeralds.

And Fitzgerald women are slaves to no-one, least of all hormones.

Fetch the sauce, would you, darling?

They sent a different brand this time.

This one has anchovies in it.

Yes, but you can't really taste them.

You know how much I hate anchovies!

Oh, no. It can't be.

Hormones!

Don't look at me, Brian. I'm as bored as you are.

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Lily, how are you?

-Awful.

-Oh, me too.

Dad tried to make me eat carrot cake.

Dads, eh? Doesn't he know I'm hormonal?

I sent Rob a text and he hasn't replied.

I mean, who cares that it had orange cream cheese icing?

Doesn't he realise I'm suffering from hormones?

I mean, carrot cake wouldn't even be in my top five.

It is chocolate fudge, lemon drizzle, then...

Jas, are you even listening?

I sent Rob a text and he hasn't replied.

Oh, how long ago did you send it?

I don't know about four hours, seven minutes and 28 seconds.

Everything is awful.

Oh, yeah, totally awful.

Welcome to this specially convened crisis meeting.

As you'll see, we have only one item on the agenda, Martha's hormones.

Mother, what are you doing?

Now, Stephen, you've been working on a worst-case scenario projection.

"For every incident of hormonal activity we predict a 2% drop in the

"likelihood that Martha will be CEO of a multinational company."

Chilling.

Do you think Captain James Cook's mother behaved like this?

Who is Captain James Cook?

He is not...a boyfriend, is he?

That's the hormones, Martha, don't listen to them!

I don't have time for this, I've got ground-breaking work to do.

Martha, don't forget your papers.

What's he Captain of, darling?

Not football? Anything but football!

Mrs Rennison, I shall need some biscuits for my coffee date

with Miss Parfitt.

Don't you mean your disciplinary meeting?

Honestly, you really should lighten up.

I mean who are you? The shoe police?

SHE LAUGHS

Did you know that Miss Parfitt is setting up a street dance class?

I didn't. How very modern of her.

Which is why I can't possibly give here these.

Miss Parfitt is not a digestive sort of person,

she is more of a brandy snap.

She might even be a Viennese whirl.

Mrs Griggs, are you trying to make her your "best fwend"?

Of course not. Now, what do you

think of chocolate-encrusted Florentines?

Yes.

Hi, guys.

-Hey, budge up.

-No room, sorry.

Oh, OK.

I guess I'll sit over there, then.

Fine. I mean, if that's what you want.

OK.

Honestly, can you believe him?

He's trying to act as if everything is totally normal when it has been

21 hours, four minutes and 17 seconds

and he still has not replied to my

text. It wasn't just any old text.

I asked him a really important question.

-And what was that?

-What is his favourite pizza topping?

HE LAUGHS

But he was just right here, you could have asked him, then.

That is so not the point,

and as a mature woman I thought you'd get that.

Oh, yeah. I mean, totally.

Oh, these? Just something I picked up from a French bakery.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I don't care what happens to me, just go easy on the shoes.

"Go easy on the shoes."

Oh, Vicky, I'm sure we can overlook the shoes issue.

Oh, good.

As long as you let me try them on.

I can understand this happening to Lily and Jas,

but I expected better from Martha.

What's up with Martha?

What's up with Martha?

Well, I'll tell you what's up with Martha.

Things that make Martha sad.

Rainbows, paint, the Queen, the colour orange.

Things that make her angry.

Bacon, France, puppies and hats, clouds.

Until she can be trusted to act rationally you will be my assistant

on Footsteps To Success.

No, no, no, there's no need to thank me,

just report to mine tonight for a data session.

Oh, that's just what I need,

a sheet of graph paper and the soothing balm of statistics.

I need you to sign off on this...

Street dance class, girls.

SHE WHEEZES

Are you OK?

Absolutely fine, it's just trapped wind.

I'm glad I bumped into you, I've got exciting news.

I'm joining your street dance class!

Wow! That's...

Do you remember what we talked about in our meeting?

Oh, yes!

How do you get your hair so shiny?

Oh, erm...

About how exercise could be a way to help young people deal with their

-hormones?

-Yes, brilliant idea!

I can't wait to get my groove on.

Break out the funk.

I've actually got more funk than I know what to do with.

I could open a shop just selling funk.

Well, if you're sure you're up to it.

Up to it? I can't wait to get started.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I just need to go and be sick in that bin.

Don't ever pretend to be hormonal, Brian.

You can't say yes to anything, including cake.

I mean, even you like cake, and you're basically a twig.

HER STOMACH RUMBLES

OK, that's it, time for a kitchen raid.

Captain James Cook,

when you were mapping lands from New Zealand to Hawaii,

did you ever just want to hide under your duvet and cry?

I believe we may be suffering from the same affliction.

-Dandruff?

-No, HTS - hormonal teen syndrome.

Thank goodness you're here.

That's the second day running she's said no to cake.

I normally have to padlock the tin down to stop her wolfing the lot.

Oh, what are we going to do?

I can't have Martha being controlled by her emotions.

Next thing you know she'll be dropping out of school to become an

aromatherapist.

KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS

OK, great, you're here.

I want to double-check the toilets to music block figures.

What's the point? When you look at all the billions of stars,

you realise we're just insignificant dots floating in a pointless void.

No! They've got to you, too!

Hormones!

Of course, I never succumbed to this teenage hormones nonsense.

Oh, tell a lie, I once got a spot.

I had the lot. Spots, mood swings, tears.

The only person I'd speak to for four months was the cat.

I've got a photo of him here somewhere.

DOORBELL RINGS

Martha said Mrs Fitzgerald was here?

Yeah, she's just through...

Research material on hormones in teenagers.

I can't do everything round here,

I've got important work to attend to, you know?

What do you expect us to do?

You're going to have to talk to your children about their feelings.

Right, Brian, I am now officially starving.

I am declaring this a state of emer...

Wait, why didn't I think of that before?

My emergency banana!

Morning, love.

I wondered if we could have a bit of a chat?

SHE GULPS

Is there anything YOU would like to talk about?

Good morning, darling!

Mother, what are you wearing?

This is what mothers wear when they're baking home-made croissants

for their daughter. I want us to have a nice little chat.

And we need to be completely honest with each other.

OK, well, honestly, I think the, er, croissants might be ready.

SHE COUGHS

Darling, I think we need to talk about...

..hormones.

Why doesn't everyone just shut up about hormones?

I do not want to talk about hormones!

Ow!

SHE COUGHS

This is why I always e-mail.

Street dance.

Not sure I've ever seen those two words together before.

What on earth are you doing?

Just chilling, innit?

Well, what's it to you?

Stop talking with that ridiculous voice of...

What are you wearing?

When Miss Parfitt sees me strut my stuff in street dance class,

she'll realise how cool I am

and we'll be, like, best friends for ever.

We might even form our own dance crew.

Can you actually do street dance?

Mrs Rennison, I trained in ballet!

Street dance can't be harder than that!

People manage it with their trousers halfway down.

See? Who brings the funk?

I bring the funk.

I wish you'd take it away again.

Morning, Martha. You look very focused.

I am, because I'm going to beat these hormones.

And Footsteps to Success will be right back on track.

Ah, at last!

I used a foolproof double-check list to pack my bag this

morning. A whole block of freezing cold birds could try to distract me,

it would still be impossible to forget anything.

-Very impressive.

-Let's do this.

She wouldn't even speak to me.

It was like playing charades, but less fun.

-How did you get on?

-Well, I do need a new oven, but I've got an idea.

We're going to let Ollie sort it out?

This says that exercise can help teens dealing with hormones.

-Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

-Take up jousting.

Try your idea first?

Street dance will not only make you incredibly cool,

it will also help you deal with the crazy feelings some of you have been

experiencing.

So why not sign up, like Lily, Martha and Jas have?

-What?

-Oh, our parents must have signed us up.

Oh. I don't want to force you.

I can take your names off the list if you like.

-No!

-No?

-I mean, now that we are on there, you may as well leave it.

-That's the spirit!

-Erm, I won't be needing the class, Miss Parfitt.

I am more than capable of slaying this dragon myself.

Do you want to spend break timing routes from the music block?

No. They polished the music block floors on Tuesday.

Walking speed would have to be reduced by 25% to avoid injury,

so any results would be inaccurate.

We'll do the staff room instead.

Exemplary rationale.

Now I'm going to go crush someone at chess.

How can he just carry on enjoying himself?

All I'm asking for is a bit of support as a woman.

Is that too much to ask for, Jas?

Jas?

The dance class.

I honestly just think I'm too hormonal to go.

Oh, yeah, me too, obviously.

Ha! And he falls into my trap like a fly into a spider's web.

Why did I do that? What's the point of chess anyway?

Now's the time for the killer blow.

It's just bits of wood moving around another bit of wood,

just dead wood.

Maybe he'll be really upset if I beat him.

No, that's just the hormones talking, making you weak.

Resist, Martha, resist.

I might just go home and write some poetry on the emptiness of human

existence instead.

OK, time to finish this.

Or should I just give him a chance?

No, no! But, in a way, isn't Rufus a bit like that poor,

cold bird on the windowsill, just looking for a crumb of comfort?

THEY GASP

She deliberately let him win!

It's the hormones!

We're going to the dance class.

-No!

-Do you want to let down not only us but Captain James Cook?

Very well. But I am not wearing Lycra.

Oh, good to see you, Lily.

I decided I needed something to take my mind off things.

Honestly, my life is so complicated!

Wow, that is quite an outfit.

Show me some love, sister.

-Oh.

-I can't believe we're choosing to dance.

OK, everyone, let's get started.

Jas! I thought you weren't coming.

Oh, I just, er...

You needed some headspace to try and deal with this hormone nightmare?

Yeah, that, exactly that.

Right, let's have a look at what we're all going to be learning.

Rob here is going to demonstrate how it's all done.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

OK, fine! I admit it.

I'm happy!

I'm not hormonal at all.

You guys were like, hormones this and hormones that,

but I just felt like a baby so I thought I'd just fake it.

-I'm sorry.

-Don't worry.

I'm sure you'll be feeling miserable for real soon.

Oh, thanks, I think.

OK, everyone.

Into lines, let's dance!

Five, six, seven, eight!

You realise I'm going to have to have

therapy after this, right?

Just keep dancing. I'll be back to my old self any minute.

Mrs Griggs, try and relax more in the knees.

No. Mrs Griggs, you're popping on the six instead of the eight.

But look at my robot.

Isn't it dope?

I think it might be less disruptive if you move to the back.

Honestly, what do you have to do to impress the woman?

I'm starting to wonder if she knows what she's doing.

I think she's doing rather well.

Good control of class, dealing with disruptive elements, impressive.

This woman is more than just a pair of shoes.

-That's it!

-What are you doing?

You can't dance in those!

Just watch me.

If this doesn't impress her, nothing will.

Dancing is the answer. Dancing is the answer.

Make way for the funk, Miss Parfitt.

Oh!

Argh!

How are you feeling, Martha?

OK, I guess.

I just thought this might cure me.

I know hormones suck sometimes but, eventually,

your body will come up with the perfect formula for being you.

Right, and, just to be clear, I never have to do street dance again?

No! Of course not, no. It's not for everyone.

I might give it another go.

What? It's not me. It's the hormones!

Now that I'm back to being normal, happy Jas,

maybe I can help you solve your Rob problem?

Oh, yeah, about that -

I realised I wrote the text but never actually sent it.

I blame the hormones.

I think I should go talk to him.

-Say sorry?

-No, to ask him what his favourite pizza topping is.

Mmm.

Would you put these in the parents' association jumble?

I've quite gone off them.

Oh!