Fly Me to The Moon So Awkward

It was really good to see you. It's like we're so...connected?

Yeah. We're totally on the same wavelength.

Sometimes I feel I know you even more than I know myself.

Is that Steve Bachelor?

Yes! He's my favourite naturalist.

There's just something about the way he looks at animals

with his dreamy blue eyes.

-I don't like him.

-What?

He just loves himself, and he's so annoying.

You can't say that.

You can't say that!

SHE SIGHS IN RELIEF

-It was just a dream.

-You OK, Lily?

Yeah. I just had a dream that Rob didn't like Steve Bachelor.

Oh, that wasn't a dream.

You just blanked out for a second.

This is the dream.

Er...Lily?

SHE SHRIEKS

And he's got such dreamy eyes,

and he does this sort of half smile that's SO adorable.

Lily, how much longer are you going to talk about Rob?

I'm not talking about Rob.

I'm talking about Steve Bachelor.

You know, the animal guy on TV.

Oh. Well, at least you weren't talking about Rob.

Well, actually I am.

-Of course you are.

-Rob hates Steve Bachelor

and we're supposed to be on the same wavelength.

Maybe I don't know Rob after all.

-Martha.

-What?

-I'm talking about my relationship.

I know. That's why I tuned out.

Also, I'm trying to avoid Jas.

Why?

It's Experiment Friday today.

Maybe she won't be as ambitious this year.

Lily, this is Jas we're talking about.

What was the object of her last experiment?

To see if I could learn dog language.

And did you win the prize?

No. But I did make friends with next-door's poodle.

Well, whatever happens, I am not being partnered with her this year.

Oh, no. It's Rob.

I can't face him with this Steve Bachelor thing hanging over us.

Quick, make up something to stall him.

All right, Martha? What's up with Lily?

I'm sorry, I'm no good at stalling people.

You could have two piles, you know.

-What?

-When you finish the marking, you could put it on a new pile.

I know how to do marking, thank you very much.

-Why didn't you do it last night?

-Because I was doing something else.

There's more to life than work, you know.

Some of us have got rich and varied lives outside school.

-What were you doing?

-I was watching TV.

-Why didn't you do yours?

-I did, after my parachuting lesson.

I'm just double-checking for errors.

Oh, obviously, because you're so perfect(!)

Do you know, Jeff, you might actually find it rewarding

doing more than just the bare minimum every once in a while?

And you might find it interesting to know that I actually know

-what I'm doing. I'm a professional.

-Of course you are.

-Would you like a fresh crayon?

-SCHOOL BELL RINGS

HE GROANS

Hi, guys.

-BOTH SCREAM:

-We're together!

Were partnered up for Experiment Friday.

That's a shame, cos I had an amazing idea.

Ollie.

Rob. I'm with Rob.

OK. Settle down everyone.

Or get up off the floor.

Whichever. Right, World War II essays.

Quite a few of you decided to write about oxbow lakes.

These are the wrong papers.

Hey Rufus, want to be my partner?

I'll take that as a yes.

Get back, get back, get back. Silence!

If you are here for Experiment Friday,

please form an orderly rabble.

I have the registration forms here.

You have from lunchtime until the end of the day to perform

your experiments. This year, you must enter in groups of four.

Is anyone not clear?

-Groups of four?

-Groups of four?

Groups of four!

Would you care to join our experiment?

-Why would you want to...?

-Yes! We so would.

We have to move. Now.

Hi, boys. Welcome to Team Jas.

Yes, yes, yes, I know I took your work,

and I will give it back to you...

..just, well, not right now,

because I have popped out for some milk.

You're bunking off?

Jeff, could you take this job any less seriously?

Er, yes, I could actually take it much less seriously if...

-I'll call you back, OK?

-Jeff!

Gentlemen, the situation is critical.

We've been teamed up with Jas,

which means if we do not act fast and propose our own experiment

before she comes up with something totally impossible,

we are doomed not to win this prize.

-Any thoughts?

-Something to do with football?

Something to do with football.

That's the...

Hang on, though. Hang on.

What if we transform football into science?

There's got to be some physics behind it, right?

The forces on the ball?

The spinning...

..and the trajectory towards the, erm...

The ball-hole thingy...

-The goal.

-I could measure these forces, work out an equation.

And I could kick the ball.

Exactly. Rob, I think we might be able to achieve the impossible.

Work out the perfect free kick?

Even better.

Make football interesting.

PHONE RINGS

Jas, me and Rob have come up with a great experiment.

That does sound interesting. Why don't we meet up in the art block?

You can tell us all about it.

What did they say?

-Are they coming?

-Oh, yes.

I think today is going to be a very big day for science.

-TANNOY:

-Mrs Rennison.

-Yes?

-Sorry to bother you,

I wonder if you wouldn't coming to my office for a moment.

I seem to have locked my skirt in the filing cabinet.

Hello?

Jas?

-CLICKING

-The lights don't work.

Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

LOUD THUD

-What is this?

-The room's shrunk.

Let's get out of here.

Rob.

Ollie.

Welcome to the greatest science project ever.

MACHINES BEEP

You're going to the moon.

Stand by for take off in T minus five minutes.

Jas, I know you like your little fantasies,

but no-one else is buying into it, OK?

Magnolia 849, this is Mission Control, capsule now sealed.

Beginning final checks.

OK, so, our experiment.

I've had one or two vague ideas.

Let's start with binder number one.

So, Lily, how's it going with Rob?

We noticed you weren't together at break.

Oh, that. It's nothing. We're fine.

Right. So, back to the ideas binder.

I've divided my proposals into three sections.

Although, you know, there's obviously the occasional problem.

Really? Like what?

Well, he doesn't like Steve Bachelor,

which is weird. I mean, how can anyone think he's annoying?

Hello? I have a folder of ideas.

I thought we were totally connected,

and then he goes and says a thing like that.

And how does that make you feel?

I don't know. It's silly, really.

Like maybe I don't really know him at all?

Will everyone please stop talking about relationships?

We've got science to do here, people.

What makes you think we're not doing science already?

Are you studying me?

It's OK, guys, you're not actually going to the moon.

Yeah, Ollie, relax.

It's 100% safe.

Well, 90%.

70% at the very worst.

Look, forget about how safe it is,

we've simply imprisoned you to see how you cope with the isolation

-of deep space.

-So you're simulating a space mission,

just like the Russians did with cosmonauts?

Exactly. But guess what? Before now,

no-one's ever forced teenage boys to do it.

And do you know why no-one's ever done that, Jas?

Because they aren't total, utter...

..geniuses!

This is the best school science experiment I've ever heard of.

Seriously, guys, you've cracked it.

An actual world first.

Well, I suppose the only problem is getting us to believe

we actually ARE in space. I mean, no offence,

but we are just stuck in a box.

Not that convincing, eh, Rob?

-Rob?

-This is amazing.

Poor, suggestible Rob.

So easy to fool.

But, it'll take more than a few drawn-on stars to convince me

that we're...

..floating in the void of outer space.

Ollie Coulton...

Astronaut.

I can't believe you'd study me.

Ah!

Is it because you want to be like me?

We're not interested in you.

We're studying teen relationship issues.

And we need someone who's always going on and on

about their relationship.

I do not go on and on about my relationship!

Do I?

You really kind of do.

Even when people are obviously looking really bored.

We've made charts.

As relationship talk increases, so too does listener boredom.

SHE SIGHS

What do you want me to do?

Just drone on about whatever comes naturally.

Let's start with the little things he does that annoy you.

How long have you been stuck in there?

Oh, just a couple of hours.

But I was fine. There were biscuits,

plenty of water to drink in the vase.

-Where are your keys?

-In my coat pocket...

..which is locked in my desk drawer.

What?

To make this like a genuine space mission,

we should really have a chain of command.

I call Captain.

What? No, no, no, you can't call Captain.

The commanding officer should be the one with the most space knowledge,

which happens to be me.

I know about space.

I've seen Star Wars ten times.

Rob, I got a telescope for my fourth birthday.

I've been studying space all my life.

And I know the concept of space isn't easy to adjust to.

Just all alone, surrounded by emptiness,

just going on and on

and on and on and on and on, OK.

Too much space, my agoraphobia's kicking in.

Let me out. Let me out.

Let me out.

We're losing him. I think we're losing him.

Ollie, get a grip of yourself.

Rob, help him. The future of the mission is at stake.

Oh.

DOOR OPENS AND HE YELLS

Oh, Mrs Rennison. Fancy seeing you

here in the store cupboard.

Scissors? Good choice.

Must have something to cut!

A head teacher's skirt.

No, no, no!

-And deep breaths in...

-HE INHALES

-..and out.

-HE EXHALES

Yes. Thank you, Junior Astronaut, Rob.

I'm perfectly fine now.

Junior Astronaut?

The thing is, I know he's perfect,

but I can't stop looking for problems.

Like this Steve Bachelor thing.

Does it matter that we don't like all the same things?

Do you think it does?

I don't know.

I guess I just want us to agree on everything.

Why is that important?

Well, because...

Because...

You know what?

It's not important at all.

I'm trying to make him into someone he's not.

I've got to ease up a bit

and let him be himself.

You guys are good. Really good.

This was a great idea.

We're really getting on to some issues here.

I know. Who would have thought your relationship

could actually be interesting?

-Just let me cut it.

-No!

This is my second-favourite pink skirt.

-Back off! I've got custard creams!

-Oh, my...

-Stop it. You are such a...

-Don't you dare!

Give me... Give me...

-That's ridiculous!

-No!

-Put...

HIS PHONE RINGS

Parfitt. Reject call.

Jeff!

-Is that my marking?

-What, this? No, course not.

-Where is it, then?

-Safe.

It's perfectly safe. I've just got to do a thing.

Jeff!

Jeff!

I need those papers!

I'm doing a thing!

This is Chief Astronaut Ollie Coulton,

and we've been on the ship now for...

..53 minutes, and I am worried about Junior Astronaut Rob.

I think he may be suffering from Space Syndrome.

He's stopped communicating and his body's gone into total shutdown.

ROB SNORES

Luckily, I am maintaining my sense of calm detachment by keeping things

rigorously scientific.

# Ten

# Nine

# Eight

# Seven

-# Six

-Here I am sitting in a spaceship

# Five

# Four

-# It's all made of cardboard

-Three

# Two

-# And we're going to the moon

-One

# But we've not left the art room

# Zero

-HE SINGS ON HIS OWN:

-# Here I am sitting in a spaceship

-# It's all made out of card... #

-LOUD THUD

-What was that?

-I don't know.

-MORE LOUD THUDS

It came from back there.

We are not alone.

THEY ALL SCREAM

And when he says he likes spending time with me,

does it mean he likes me or just the time he's spending with me?

I knew she could go on about Rob, but, wow.

You guys have really hit on something.

I can't wait to show this data to Ollie.

And why particularly do you want to share your data with Ollie?

We have a stowaway onboard.

This is a two-teenager simulated spaceship.

Our supplies are for a two-person pretend mission.

Now, there are three people.

You do the maths.

I'm more of a history teacher, really.

Ollie's not happy about Mr Malone being on board.

He's worried about the supplies.

Our remaining rations -

one half-empty pack of fizzy orange.

One family-sized bag of cheesy puffs.

It says here there's supposed to be sandwiches and chocolate,

but there's no sign of them.

-HE WHISPERS:

-I think Ollie might be planning something...radical.

I'm just asking the question -

Is it wrong to throw a teacher out of an airlock?

I'm not actually taking part in this experiment,

I'm just avoiding someone for a bit, so just pretend like I'm not here.

He's at the supplies!

Ollie, calm down. We can still manage.

We can eat him, you mean.

Oh, I've had enough of this.

We have a breach in the hull.

I repeat, we have a breach.

Hey, guys, just to let you know, you're losing oxygen into space,

which is kind of bad.

Do you think we should do the flashy lights thing?

Stand by for flashy lights.

SIREN BLARES

This is ridiculous.

Oh, don't make a fuss. No-one else has even noticed.

I'm sure product design will have some tools we can use.

-Have either of you seen Jeff?

-No, don't think so.

-Mrs Rennison?

-Not recently.

Well, let me know if you do. He's kidnapped my marking.

We have to find something to seal the hole.

What about these?

-IN SLOW MOTION:

-No!

Not the cheesy puffs!

SIREN BLARES

We've lost the moon. I repeat, we've lost the moon.

Bad news, guys. You're out of control

and you've kind of destroyed the moon.

What a twist! I never saw that coming.

We need help. You have to send for help.

How much time do you spend with Ollie on an average day?

About three or four hours.

And how much time do you spend with Rob?

Maybe an hour? Hour and a half?

-Interesting.

-Why is it interesting?

So, we spend lots of time together - who cares?

And when you're with him, how do you feel?

Well, just normal.

When Ollie's there I just feel normal.

And when he's not around - like now - how do you feel then?

Why are we talking about this?

You seem tense.

You're making me tense.

We're just friends, all right?

Look, I know what you're getting at.

You're trying to say that...

You think that...

..Ollie's my boyfriend.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Lily, we've got a situation.

It's Rob and Ollie. We need your help.

Tell them to hold on. We'll be there.

Sorry, guys. We're going to have to leave it there.

Our boys need us.

Not our boys.

Just some boys.

It's over, isn't it? I actually thought we were going to do it.

An original experiment, a first.

You could just go, you know?

LOUD DRILLING

I think I might stay here for a bit.

Rob! Rob! Are you there?

Hi, Lily.

Are you OK? Jas said you were in trouble.

No, we're fine. We're pretending to go to the moon.

OLLIE LAUGHS

That's... Don't listen to him.

He's got Space Syndrome and doesn't understand the gravity

of our situation.

Gravity. Good one.

This is no time for jokes.

We're out of supplies and we're drifting off course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but more importantly,

I've got to talk to Rob about our relationship.

-What?

-Our relationship?

Why, what's up?

I just want you to know that I don't mind that you don't like

Steve Bachelor. We can like different things,

it doesn't mean we aren't meant to be together.

Yeah, I know.

Oh. But the way I reacted when you said you didn't like him...

Oh, yeah, I thought you were joking.

Really? Oh.

Good. Because I was.

Obviously. Problem solved.

-Bye!

-Wait! What about the spaceship?

That's weird. Lily was upset with me and I didn't even know why.

Women have rules no man will ever understand.

They expect you to know things without being told.

They expect you to take the right pile of marking.

They expect you to be aware of other people's feelings.

Other people's feelings?

So, when Lily says she really likes something,

should I pretend to like it too?

-Absolutely not.

-So, what's the answer?

Hmmm...

-What?

-That's the answer.

If a woman asks you what you think of something,

you just raise an eyebrow and look vaguely fascinated.

-Hmmm.

-Hmmm.

Hmmm.

Ollie. Ollie, are you there?

Martha.

You've got to help us.

We've got a breach in the hull,

we're low on oxygen and the moon has fallen on the floor.

Then deal with it, Ollie.

I believe in you. I know you can do this,

because...

-Because you're...

-Yes?

Because you're a person that I know...

-..and value.

-Thank you, Martha.

You're a person that I know and value too.

Jeff, what are you doing in there?

Sorry, Miss Parfitt, Mr Malone can't speak right now.

We've got a spaceship to fix.

Right, team?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Look, Lily,

I'm sorry I said I didn't like Steve Bachelor.

Steve Bachelor?

Who's he?

But you do like nature documentaries, yeah?

Nature documentaries?

Hmmm.

Wow, Jeff, you did more than the bare minimum.

I stand corrected.

Obviously you do care a lot about students.

Here's your marking. I corrected all the bits you missed.

I hope you don't mind.

Hmmm.

So, where's mine?

-Hmmm.

-Yeah, can you stop doing that? Where's my marking?

-Hmmm.

Jeff, where's my marking?

-Ollie!

-Martha!

Um, I... Sorry, I've got stuff upstairs that I need to...

Yeah, um, I've got to... Yeah...

-Take on each?

-Agreed.

What was all that about?

I have literally no idea.

Oh, I just remembered, I'm wearing another skirt beneath this one.

Yes, I always remember to put on an extra skirt since the last time

-I got trapped in a filing cabinet.

-SHE CHUCKLES

I don't know how I forgot.

Magnolia 849.

This is Ground Control, do you want us to prep for another mission?

-Over.

-MRS RENNISON SIGHS

Just take me a long, long way away.

Set coordinates for Jupiter?

Let's make it Pluto. We're so going to win this prize.