Never the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride So Awkward

BUZZ OF CONVERSATION

HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS

She's doing brilliantly!

She's so elegant.

I did it!

-SHOUTING:

-Corn on the cob!

So near, yet so far.

Jas, you actually have to put food in your mouth

before you start eating.

Have a corn on the cob.

-SHOUTING:

-'Corn on the cob!'

-# Ooh-ooh-ooh

-Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh!

# Ooh!

# So... So... So...

# Ooh-ooh, ooh Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh

# Aah-aah, aah Aah-aah, aah, aah-aah

# So... So... So... So...

# So, oooh

# So awkward! #

Jas, this is so exciting.

I know!

I present the six-layer pamelade sandwich.

That's peanut butter, jam and marmalade.

Very impressive. But I meant this.

I've been asked to interview for the job of youth hockey coordinator.

"Wally, the most feared goalie in division one,

"moves into management."

HE LAUGHS

Ooh! Looks like I'm not the only one with exciting post.

You've been asked to be a...

SHE GULPS

..bridesmaid? And you're happy about it?

Of course. Who wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid?

I can't think of anything worse than weddings.

Luckily, I intend to be married to science

and you can do that wearing a lab coat,

not a ridiculous puffy dress.

You've been very quiet, Lily.

What do you think about weddings? About weddings...

-Oh, Lily!

-ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

It's like we're in a dream.

-Actually, where are we?

-BIRDSONG

Just go with it. What were you going to say?

You're the only one for me.

I always dreamed I'd end up with a girl who can't throw.

Please marry me and make me the happiest boy in the world?

Oh, Rob!

Yes.

Yes!

..Lily?

Oh!

Er, I don't really think about weddings that much.

I mean, they're OK, I guess.

Well, I'm excited.

Really, really, really, really excited!

So, I thought I could design my own bridesmaid dress?

Because I'm great at designing.

Remember when I designed that hat that was also a dog lead?

Is she still talking about weddings?

Good job I came prepared.

And maybe I'll have a say in what music we come down the aisle to.

Personally, I'd go for hip-hop but maybe they'd like me to sing.

Lily, am I the only person who sees a problem with Jas as a bridesmaid?

ETHEREAL HARP MUSIC

CLATTERING

She's going to ruin everything.

Exactly.

Um, sorry to interrupt,

but doesn't being a bridesmaid mean you have to be neat and tidy?

I AM neat and tidy!

And doesn't being a bridesmaid

also mean you have to walk gracefully down the aisle?

Objection, I am the height of gracefulness!

I will swish down the aisle like this.

See, graceful!

Huh!

LAUGHTER

That was even funnier with no sound!

OK. So, maybe I have a small amount of work to do.

1996 I got this tracksuit, and it still fits.

That's impressive.

No. That's elasticated waistbands.

-I'm going to wear it to my interview. Really wow them.

-Dad...

You know one of our Salford things is being a tiny bit clumsy?

OK. Trust me, it is.

So, I'm a bit worried about getting through the wedding

-without any calamities.

-We'll sort this out.

I just need to quickly check where my interview is,

and I'll be right with you.

"Exciting opportunities, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

"4pm, et cetera, et cetera, please prepare a presentation..."

Presentation! "Please prepare a presentation"?!

This is why I never read both sides of a letter.

I can't speak in front of people.

I just can't...I can't do it!

Dad, I know this is a big deal,

but can we please talk about the wedding?

What if my mind goes blank?

See? It did just then!

He wasn't any help at all.

It was like he wasn't even listening.

HARP MUSIC

For as long as we both shall live.

And now he kisses me, right?

You may now kiss the bride.

We are doing that bit, aren't we?

You know what I mean?

Oh, totally.

So, what am I going to do now?

Kiss me...

Kiss me.

MUSIC POWERS DOWN

Ah, that's a really sweet offer, Lily,

but I'm not sure how that's going to help me be a good bridesmaid.

You know what, maybe we should hold a fake wedding.

So, we can teach you how to be a bridesmaid.

That's actually a pretty good idea.

As the renowned economist Ernst F Schumacher said,

"An ounce of practice is worth more than a tonne of theory."

And I've literally only just thought of this,

but maybe Rob and I could be the bride and groom?

-Wow, Lily. You'd do that for me?

-Yeah!

I mean, anything to help you out.

SHE GIGGLES

And in answer to, "Why should your school be awarded

"this science grant?" you've written,

"I don't know, but I can gargle the National Anthem."

I'd like an explanation for this.

Sorry, I need total concentration when I do facial hair.

Mrs Griggs, may I remind you again that you are a professional teacher.

That's right, and you're not.

So, if there's nothing else, I'd like to return to my beards.

I may not have a qualification, but I could teach just as well as you.

I know, Horace, that was funny.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Quel dommage, looks like that's the end of our meeting.

Enter!

-Am I interrupting something important?

-No.

-Yes.

I've come to ask for a bit of help.

I've got this presentation thingy,

but public speaking isn't really my strong point.

And Jas always says what great presentations you give in assembly.

So, I was wondering if you'd consider teaching me?

Oh, I'd love to help, Mr Salford,

but, unfortunately, I'm just too busy. Totally snowed under.

No bother, I'll...

I could teach you.

I once addressed the UN for eight hours without a break.

The secretary-general had to go to the lavatory in a bottle.

Actually, I'd be happy to help.

-I thought you were busy.

-Oh, not any more.

-Look!

-SPLAT!

Anyway, it's probably best to leave this to the professionals.

SQUELCHING

If I told you to keep a really important secret,

you would, wouldn't you?

-Yes, of course.

-Good.

I'm going to get Rob to agree to fake-marry me,

-and you're not to say anything to him.

-But...

-Oh, too late.

-You promised.

-Oh, you're good.

Hi, Rob. I'm glad you're here,

because I had an idea of something really fun

that we could do together.

Cool, what is it.

Well, it's sort of a surprise.

-QUIETLY:

-Rob, don't do it. Don't do it, Rob.

-Can't you give me a clue?

-OK.

Well, it involves going on a little walk.

HARP MUSIC: Here Comes The Bride

OK... What else?

To have and to hold, from this day forward,

for better or worse.

Then we'd have a chat.

And tell each other stuff.

Resist the serpent's pull...

Argh! ..is the name of a new computer game.

So, we walk and tell each other stuff.

Doesn't sound that exciting, but whatever, I'm in.

Great!

Another one bites the dust.

It's a great old song.

Classic.

Today, I'm forgoing my usual

Wednesday-morning juggling demonstration,

to make way for a very special guest.

Mr Salford.

APPLAUSE

HE BREATHES HARD

HE SQUEAKS

-I...

-HE CROAKS

ALL GROAN

HE CHOKES

Just pull yourself together, man.

Read what's in the cards.

-I would like to talk...

-HE COUGHS

Sorry.

-I would like to talk...

-HE CROAKS

Come on, Dad, you can do this.

# And did those feet in ancient time... #

OK, you can't do this.

-OUT OF TUNE:

-# ..England's mountains green! #

Great news!

The last five minutes have been officially erased from history?

Rob agreed to the wedding.

So, it's time for...

Wedding mood board!

When did you make that?

Um...

Lily, how long have you had that for?

-BREEZILY:

-Not long! A little while!

Anyway, the most important thing is, this wedding is go.

Nul points.

What was that? What was with the singing?

-I panicked.

-Well, the whole thing was a complete disaster.

What's that saying? "A poor teacher always blames her pupil"?

Anyone would think that woman didn't have a job to go to.

If you're not up to the task, I'd be more than happy to take over.

Thank you, Mrs Fitzgerald, but I know exactly what to do.

Go back to basics.

Are you sure about this?

You're too nervous performing in front of real people,

so we'll practise with these. Because they're not real.

Or are they?

HE GASPS

"Well done, Mr Salford!

"You're doing really well."

Physical prowess.

"He's terrible! If I had thumbs, I'd throw something at him!"

SOBBING

-Um...

-"Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off!"

SOBBING

Whatever is the matter, Wendy, the Weeping Wallaby?

She doesn't want to talk about it.

Hi, Lily. Maybe we could get some food after our walk.

There's this new Italian that's supposed to be good.

What do you think about floral centrepieces?

-Um...

-I mean, do you think the whole outdoor-indoor thing

has had its moment? Or is it all about Bohemian Aztec now?

I understood some of those words, but only some...

And what about posies?

Should they match the buttonholes or contrast?

I think I'm just going to...

I'm having a floral crisis.

SARCASTICALLY: Oh, no, what will we do?

NORMALLY: I mean, oh, no, what will we do?

I actually had a really good idea for the centrepieces.

OK, well, it's my special day, so...

Actually, that is really tasteful.

It gets better. Watch.

CLICK! DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Martin, what have I told you about crying in the office?

You need to get a grip. I will be there as soon as I can.

The traffic is terrible!

Beep-beep, honk-honk!

Sheep loose on the road. There's nothing I can do. Baaa, baaaa.

Anyway. I have to go. I wouldn't want to hit a sheep.

I heard that Mr Salford is doing a presentation in front of a class.

I demand to be there!

Huh, if you absolutely insist.

He's in room B15.

Down to the end of the corridor, right, right again, left,

then third door on the right. But hurry, he's about to start.

Please pay attention for a very important announcement.

APPLAUSE

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE DOES VOCAL WARM-UPS

Um...

The toilets in the Science Block are out of order.

Please use the ones in the PE Block instead.

APPLAUSE

We've got something huge to discuss.

Yes, the Cuban Missile Crisis.

No.

Lily's dress crisis.

Abandon the worksheet to discuss your dress?

This is what delinquents do.

These dresses are nice, but why does it always have to be a dress?

Wouldn't it be brilliant if a bride

wore some really cool customised dungarees? Or a squirrel costume?

No, it wouldn't. Because the dress

is the most important part of the special day.

-What are you doing?

-It's fine.

-What's this?

-What it feels like to be an outlaw.

It's a project for PSHE.

-I'm organising a wedding.

-A fake wedding.

Who cares? Fake, real, to an ageing millionaire with heart problems.

I love them all!

Who's officiating at this special day?

I don't know yet. It's number 84 on my to-do list.

Let me do it. I'm fully qualified.

Well, I printed off a certificate I found online,

so it's practically the same thing.

Good. At least something about this wedding will be done properly.

Yes. Yes.

-We haven't finished talking about dresses.

-Really?

It feels like we've been talking about dresses since the Stone Age.

Well, I haven't approved the bridesmaid's dress.

Why can't you just see it tomorrow on the special...

-On the wedding day?

-Did you really just ask that question?

So, Jas, do you have your dress ready for inspection?

Yeah, totally. All ready.

Good, because nothing can be left to chance.

Olly, have you got a minute?

I wanted to ask your advice about girls.

HE LAUGHS

Yeah.

-Oh, you're serious.

-I asked Lily if she wanted to go out for pizza,

like in a proper restaurant, not a takeaway.

A romantic meal sort of thing.

But she acted all weird, just stared at me.

Do you think I shouldn't have asked her?

Maybe she had something else in mind for the two of you.

Something bigger.

-Burgers!

-No.

-Thai?

-No.

-Not Mexican. I already tried that.

-Same first letter.

Mmmmm...

Maaaa...

-Moroccan.

-Look, all I'm saying is, she's definitely not going off you.

Maybe Indian.

Oh! Welsh!

Everyone likes tacos, right?

If anyone knows of any reason why these two eggs

should not be whisked together, let them speak now.

Then, by the power vested in me by the internet, I...

DOOR OPENS

Are you still here? I thought you'd finally gone to work.

That room you sent me to was the boiler room.

Oh, dear. My mistake.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ah, the conquering hero!

Full sentences with all the words in the right order.

I was on fire.

Do you think I'm ready to face the hockey board tomorrow?

Almost, but not quite.

There is one final test, the ultimate test.

You must do a speech at Lillian and Rob's fake wedding.

-No!

-Fear not, Mr Salford.

Together, we can do it. Team huddle!

That's right! Together, we can do it.

-No.

-THEY GRUNT

-No!

-No!

No huddle!

Where is she?

We said seven o'clock.

I don't think she realises how important this dress is

and if Jas has done a Jas, I am going to...

Prepared to be amazed!

Seriously, wait till you see this.

Jas, I swear, if you come in wearing a clown costume,

I'm going to scream.

# Ta-da! #

What...is that?

A dress. Like you said.

It is made of crisp packets.

Well, I think it's lovely.

Look at those capped sleeves.

Cheese-and-chive twirls!

-TIGHTLY:

-It is made of crisp packets!

The front bit is stunning.

Giant cheesy puffs.

And the...flappy bit at the back. RUSTLING

Roast chicken and...

It is made of crisp packets and this is meant to be my special day!

SHOUTS ECHO, CROWS CAW

OK, so read that out, nice and loud.

"Others will deepen and grow..."

-No.

-No?

THEY ARGUE INDISTINCTLY

Do you promise to remember that this is a fake wedding,

-not a real one?

-Yes.

"It's, of course, a celebration not just of..."

I can only read one of these at a time.

And do you promise to remember that this fake wedding

-is to help Jas, not you?

-Yes.

So...

So... Ha-ha, yes, mwah!

Stop it, please. Stop it. Now, lift your head.

And, finally, do you promise to never use the phrase,

"my special day" ever again?

But...!

Fine.

"Today is, of course..."

So, tomorrow, we're having a wedding.

What have you written?

THEY ARGUE AND GRUNT

CARDS FLAP

CHURCH BELLS RING

Martha, would it be OK if we left?

Yes, because we don't want to be here.

What Cassie meant is, we're in the middle of a fascinating project,

mapping the life cycle of the blowfly.

And so we don't want to be here.

I totally sympathise.

There is nothing more annoying than when someone's emotional needs

get in the way of science. But, I promise, this will all be over soon.

All we need now is Lily.

Well, and a groom.

Olly's taking care of that.

Lily wants me to wear this for our walk around the school field?

-She does.

-So, it's like a nature walk?

HE SIGHS

She also wants you to wear this.

It's a nature and magic walk.

No! How many clues do you need?!

Ah, here we go.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Get it now?

Hey, nice dress, Lily.

But is white a good colour for a nature walk?

I'm almost ready.

I just need you to wait in there for a minute.

Hang on a minute.

Is this a wedding?

-HE GASPS

-Finally!

It's really not a big deal, Rob,

and it's not even legally binding.

At least, I don't think so.

This will all be a lot easier if you don't struggle.

MUSIC: Wedding March by Mendelssohn

Jas!

You look lovely.

We just need our bouquets.

QUIET MEWLING

-What?

-Lily, remember your promise.

You know, I absolutely love kittens,

and I thought, "Who says you have to carry flowers?"

-GRITTED:

-Yeah. Who says?

MUSIC POWERS DOWN

MEOWING

MURMURING

-KITTEN PURRS

-I can't believe it.

-You've ruined my special day!

-ECHOING:

-Special day! Special day!

Come on, Rob. We're leaving.

-Don't go.

-I'm sorry, Jas, but without a bride and groom,

-there's no wedding.

-Nonsense! You and Olly can take their place!

-No.

-Not under any circumstances.

None.

Just speak from the heart.

OK. I'll go first.

Um...

I promise never to try and make you throw a javelin, even as a joke.

I promise to use correct grammar and punctuation, even in texts.

I promise never to mispronounce,

"parastratiosphecomyia stratiosphecomyioides".

And I promise always to replace your four-colour biro

in the designated section in your pencil case after borrowing it.

SHE CHUCKLES

It's perfect. It's just perfect.

SHE SNIFFLES

Just when you think you've started to understand people...

..Something comes along to skew your results.

And so we find ourselves almost at the end of our celebrations.

All that remains is to hear a speech about the happy couple

from Mr Salford.

I can't do my speech. It's about Lily and Rob, not Olly and Martha!

-Just switch the names!

-Switch the names? OK, switch the names...

-APPLAUSE

-Switch the names, er...

OK, well, welcome everyone.

We're here to celebrate the marriage of...

Er...

Olly...

Olly always dreamed about marrying the love of his life...

..until he realised he couldn't marry a football.

CONFUSED MURMURS

Oh, he's talking about Rob!

Olly's rubbish at football.

I really am.

And... Switch the names, switch the names. Switch the names.

And, as for Martha,

who, like her name, is L for lively,

I for imaginative...

I can't do this. I'm sorry, I can't do this. I can't...

Perhaps I can help.

This woman must leave immediately!

I'll do no such thing. I'm an invited guest.

And may I say, Lily, exquisite invites.

Now, if you'll just let me have a look at your cards,

I'll have you right back on track.

I'll have a look at the cards, thank you, Mrs Fitzgerald!

BOTH GRUNT

Ah!

MURMURS

That's it! I quit!

How can I do this without the cards?

How can I talk about the time Olly and Martha

entered the school talent contest with a rap

-about the formation of igneous rock?

-LAUGHTER

Or when they were seven, and they wanted to change their names legally

to Hydrogen and Oxygen?

LAUGHTER

How can I do that without the cards?

But you ARE doing it, Dad.

Carry on!

Well, there was that time that they decided to create plutonium.

And that's why they were both banned from show and tell!

LAUGHTER

I could go on and on.

-You already have.

-But I'll end by saying

that this whole event is about love. Love and friendship.

And when all's said and done, that's what's important.

Hey, I'm sorry for trying to take over.

-It's OK.

-You're going to need your kitten to walk down the aisle.

You know, I think I realise why kittens instead of bouquets

never really caught on. Can I borrow your flowers?

MUSIC: Wedding March by Mendelssohn

APPLAUSE

Will you promise to never, ever mention weddings to me again?

Well, not for a long time, anyway?

I promise.

And you definitely do want to go for pizza with me, right?

Totally. I mean, if you do.

I do.

-Just say that again.

-I do.

SHE SIGHS

Before I head off for my presentation,

I want to thank you for all your help.

-BOTH:

-You're welcome. He was talking to me!

I was talking to both of you. You actually make a really good team.

So, I'm off.

And I can do this. Nothing can go wrong now.

FABRIC RIPS

-Let's not say anything.

-Not our department.