A Room of Her Own So Awkward

-So, this is nice.

-Yeah. It's great your mum's so cool about us.

I wouldn't say cool.

I'd say more sort of...

loitery.

Hm? Oh, me?

Oh! Pretend I'm not even here.

So I was thinking maybe we could...

-Squash?

-Mum, we don't want squash.

We're not kids!

-Right.

-Actually, I wouldn't mind a squash.

Great! Stay there.

Finally. Now we can talk properly.

Yeah, just the two of us.

And Crumples the bunny.

What?

Oh!

How did he get there?

My mum must have got him out. I definitely don't sleep with him.

No. That'd probably make Sparkles the pony jealous.

And Pecky the hen.

Where are they all coming from? I don't even have toys any more.

-I'm all grown up.

-Don't worry.

I'll put them away.

Not that cupboard!

Aah!

Oh!

Rob! Rob!

Rob, where are you?

I'm just over here.

Oh good, yeah.

Just checking.

# Ooh ooh ooh

# Ooh-ooh ooh-ooh

# So so so so so so

# Ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ooh-ooh

# Ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ooh

# So so so so so so so so

# Ooh

# So awkward. #

I can't decide.

Should I get the skaleg or the koft?

Neither - they both sound like diseases!

They're Swedish names for beds.

Which mattress has the highest pocket spring count?

The skaleg, but the koft is more sophisticated, like me.

Oh, what about that one?

It looks like a pirate ship - brilliant!

No, Jas! This is exactly what I'm trying to get away from.

I want a cool room that me and Rob can hang out in without him

disappearing underneath an avalanche of toys and dollies.

What?

I want a room full of sophisticated stuff.

Like... Oh, a stitsu!

-Bless you.

-No - a stitsu, it's a hatstand, obviously.

Is Mrs Griggs in here?

Don't tell me you're avoiding her again!

Bang on. She's looking for some idiot to organise

the charity auction.

-Oh, sounds like you fit the bill perfectly.

-Ha, ha, ha!

Yeah, I know. I organised it last year, and total disaster.

Never again.

Ah, Miss Parfitt. Have you seen Mr Malone?

Yeah, he's just...

-..gone.

-Oh, well, I'll catch up with him later.

Um...um... Mrs Griggs,

would now be a good time for you to demonstrate that yoga move

-you wanted to show me?

-Oh, the downward twisting peacock.

Yes. I'd began to think you weren't interested.

All you do is raise your rear as if showing off your glorious plumage,

and...

-Mr Malone?

-Ah, Mrs Griggs!

I like to come down here to think.

Helps me put a different perspective on things.

Ah! Reinventing the creative thinking space, I like it.

Now, the charity auction, what are your plans this year?

Well, to be honest, seeing as we only raised £14 last year,

I was thinking we should give it a miss.

Nonsense. I love being the auctioneer.

I've even got a little hammer thingy.

Right, well, the thing is, I'm just...

I'm very busy with, you know,

important schoolwork.

Nonsense, you just need some help.

Miss Parfitt. Would you care to join us in our creative thinking space?

Mr Malone is struggling to organise the charity auction

-so I've decided you need to help him.

-No!

-No!

Great. The dream team working together in perfect harmony.

Sold!

I'm not even going to ask.

So this clips in here,

and then the baby simply goes in...

or...maybe here.

Anyway, it's very simple.

Apparently.

Anyway, moving on, any idea what this is?

Easy. It's the Azonda 710 tablet.

32GB version by the look of it.

Good-size screen but slightly outdated processor.

Ah, that's where you're wrong. Meet infant simulator 2.0,

the future of interactive parenting education.

BLOWS RASPBERRY

Hang on, it shouldn't do that, if...

OK. Right.

Good. So this week we're going to have a little social experiment

to study the effects of a new baby on its parents.

I need responsible volunteers.

Nobody? I'm deliberately ignoring you, Jas - I said responsible.

I am responsible!

You caused a civil war in citizenship class.

Martha, Ollie, how about you two?

Perhaps it would be better to give the task to someone

who might find it a bit more of a challenge.

We calculate quadratic equations blindfolded.

How hard can a baby app be?

Oh, no, you wouldn't want to risk failure, I understand.

-Anybody else?

-Wait!

-Er, we'll do it.

-Congratulations.

You're having a baby.

BELL RINGS

-Come on. Hand over the stapler.

-I haven't got your stapler.

I've got my own stapler.

-Let me have a look at it.

-No.

Had any ideas about the charity auction yet?

Ah, there's no point. Trust me, if we make more than £50,

I'll eat this nappy.

Oh, really?

Well, in that case I'd better make it a massive success, hadn't I?

And it is my stapler.

-Get off!

-Don't mess with the best cos the best don't mess!

So I was thinking a white floorboard with a simple sisal rug.

Or I was thinking we could have lots of fun making our own furniture

and accessories. You know, up-cycle.

It's the in thing.

I'm not sure that's true, Mum.

We could sand down your old bed and give it a fresh new look

-with this wallpaper.

-Oh!

Who wallpapers a bed?

Exactly. It's original.

Jas, help me out here.

Wallpapered bed, brilliant.

Maybe you could stencil the walls with purple glitter paint.

Er, hello, not helping.

The Rob-meister would love it.

The Rob-meister?

Oh, I've got a brilliant idea

from watching last night's Homespun Homes.

They upcycled some old jeans to make denim curtains.

Aren't those my favourite vintage jeans?

Vintage curtains now.

Don't worry, love. I can always downcycle them again.

Come on, Jas.

For the record, Mrs H, I think your design ideas are great.

Oh, thanks, Jas.

I think Lily would like them too if she could see them for real.

Maybe we could surprise her,

do our own makeover.

Yes! We could do it at the weekend when she's out.

She'd love that.

Oh! What about a laptop case made out of an old pizza box?

Let's think about that.

There. I've devised a spreadsheet with a strict feeding

and sleep plan, and set alarms to keep us on schedule.

It says here we should give it a name.

How ridiculous!

What's its number?

LE182C.

Oh, that'll do. It's just a piece of hardware.

Ah. Apparently you've just given birth.

Welcome to the world, LE182C.

BEEPING AND CRYING

Time for its first feed.

This is going to be a piece of cake.

-TV:

-Two minutes before the start of the show...

Come on, love. It's Saturday morning.

Shouldn't you be out with your friends, shopping,

or playing skittles or something?

No, I'm staying in and having a duvet day.

THEY MOUTH

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Love you. Lily silky bum bum.

Martha, is that you?

The baby. It's a living nightmare!

-CRYING:

-You said this was going to be easy!

Why won't it sleep? It's time for it to sleep.

Just give it some food.

-I've just fed it!

-Then feed it some more!

We have to stick to the schedule.

Make it stop!

BEEP

Oh! I wonder who that could be!

It's Rob! He wants to meet at the cinema.

Really? What a surprise!

You should go. Come on.

Can I just, um, get dressed first?

Yes. Good girl.

RINGING, CRYING

No!

-Oh!

-How can it even hear? It's just an app!

Interesting. It must use the tablet's built-in microphone to...

No, not interesting.

Annoying. And by the way, it's your turn.

CRYING CONTINUES

Hi, Martha, I was just calling to ask if you fancied coming round

to Lily's to help me drink 15 pints of milk,

but now I'm saying it out loud, it sounds a bit weird,

So ignore this message.

I'll just drink it myself. Thanks. Bye!

What she doesn't understand is that I don't want a fun upcycled room.

I want something that reflects the sophisticated young woman I am.

-Fizzy jelly dummy?

-Oh, yes! Yum!

Got those milk bottle tops for the lampshade, Mrs H.

STOMACH CHURNS

You must have been collecting those for ages! There's loads.

Yeah, 15.

STOMACH CHURNS

Oh. There. All done.

Oh, I think I might have accidentally upcycled you.

Good call with the movie. Great idea.

Wait, I thought that was your idea.

No, you texted me first, remember?

"Yo, Rob-meister, want to see a movie?"

Rob-meister? That's what Jas calls you.

Jas texted you on my phone.

Well, either that or our phones are trying to get us together.

-Joke.

-Jas tried to set us up, but the question is why?

OK, that's why.

Isn't this great?

Let me guess - Jas helped you.

How did you know?

Oh, look at this lamp.

Used to be a kettle.

And look at your new glitter ball,

made from upcycled milk bottle tops.

Oops! Don't worry, soon upcycle that back together again.

And what about your storage, for all your toys?

Mum, that's not storage.

It's like half a car.

-You don't like it, do you?

-Well, it's a bit dark in here.

You could at least open the curtains.

-No, don't.

-Hello!

Jas! What are you doing behind the curtains?

Well, technically I am the curtains.

Oh.

There you are, Ellie... I mean LE182C.

Updating firmware?

Martha Fitzgerald!

You're hacking our baby, aren't you?

No, that's an awful thing to say.

-Martha!

-I'm not hacking it, I'm improving it.

By disabling its crying.

You're playing God!

What have I become?

-I thought you'd like it.

-It's not just the room, Mum.

-You've got to let me grow up.

-I suppose you're right.

Why don't you get rid of all those toys?

I mean, as a grown-up, you probably don't want them any more, right?

Um...right.

Sophisticated young women don't have toys, I guess.

Yes, that's certainly more grown up.

There's a charity auction at school on Monday.

You could donate them. That way they'll go to a good home.

Problem solved.

That's settled, then. We're saying goodbye to your toys.

And your childhood. Excuse me a moment.

There, free at last.

Hold on.

This is the chair I painted, isn't it?

I just think you might be a tad delusional, Vicky,

like a really big tad.

Well, at least I don't steal other people's stationery, eh, Jeff?

Order. Order.

So why are you dressed as a judge?

Well, they told me this was an auctioneer's outfit.

Anyway, as you two obviously aren't working well together I decree that

Miss Parfitt will be in charge of publicity and Mr Malone

will be in charge of the hall.

Thank you, Mrs Griggs.

Um. I feel a very successful auction coming on, Jeff.

Really, you'd need the best PR team in the world to raise enough

awareness by this afternoon.

Hang on - that's not fair!

Oh, don't worry. I've organised help for you, too.

Jake.

We're over here.

Ah, there you are.

Case dismissed.

Cassie, Maxwell, there you are. CRYING

We were wondering if you'd like to babysit over break.

Well, we are rather busy with the charity auction.

It's really easy. Really, really easy.

Just hold her...it... I mean it for a moment.

It won't be for long, we just want to brush up on our particle physics.

-And eat something.

-And sleep.

Oh, sleep, I remember that.

Well, maybe just during break.

It can't be that difficult, can it?

Any tips you'd care to...

Hey.

Like your new school bag.

-Roomy.

-Oh, these are just some old

toys I'm donating to the charity auction because, you know, toys.

Right. Do you want a hand?

I can't look at them! They're making me feel guilty!

Wow. You sound really ready to get rid of these.

I am ready. I told you, I'm a sophisticated young woman.

Yeah, you can't look a sparkly horse in the eye.

I wonder how Cassie and Maxwell are getting on with Ellie.

-182C.

-I hope they don't swipe the feed button too quickly -

she doesn't like that.

No, but she does like it when you tickle the pixels under her chin.

Look at us talking about her on our break!

We should be enjoying ourselves.

You're right, we've earned it.

Do you remember that time we changed her virtual nappy and then she

-immediately, you know, right after, so we had to change it again?

-Yeah!

What are we doing leaving Cassie and Maxwell in charge of our baby?

You're right. We've abandoned her.

We're terrible pretend parents.

Ellie, we're coming!

CRYING

What are we supposed to do? It won't stop.

Do you think her file system is corrupted?

She's just hungry.

How can you tell?

By her cry.

Give her here.

-You're a natural.

-Nah,

she just needs a little food and a bit of a cuddle.

Here you go.

Hello, Mrs Rennison.

I've got some stuff for the auction.

A bag of rubbish. Lovely.

You can let go now, Lily.

Um, actually I'm not sure I can.

Ah, my Lily silky bum bum.

Oh, Crumples.

I can't let you go.

Reporting for duty, sir.

What?! Oh, yeah, look, Jake,

all we've got to do is put out a few chairs.

Trust me, no-one ever turns up anyway.

Free drinks, free biscuits.

And free music from our year ten band Laser Patrol.

All at the charity auction. 3.30 this afternoon.

Look, Laser Patrol! Can we go, sir?

She can't do that, it's cheating.

It's still not going to make £50, but just in case.

Mr Malone. How are preparations going?

Very, very, very well, thank you, Miss Parfitt.

Good. I meant to ask you, what vegetables will you be having?

-Sorry?

-With the nappy you'll be eating after the auction.

Very funny.

At least I don't need to resort to

bribery and underhand tactics to get my way.

Sir, you dropped these.

No, I didn't, they fell off.

Come on, Jake, we've got a hall to prepare.

Why are you doing that? The point is I'm ripping them off!

It's actually quite liberating to have a proper clear-out.

You know. Out with the old, in with...

I can't do it, I can't let them go!

Jas, have you seen Cassie and Maxwell?

-They've got Ellie!

-Who's Ellie?

-Ellie 182C.

-Our baby.

App. Our baby app.

Oh! Here she is, sound asleep.

How did you get her to do that?

Luck, obviously. Let me take her.

CRYING

Let me.

GIGGLING

She's a natural!

-That's what I was going to do.

-There. All better.

Ma-ma-ma...

She spoke! That's her first word! Did you hear that? She said Mamma!

No, she said Martha, definitely Martha.

Ma-mam.

See!

Ah, Mrs Rennison, I think I made a mistake.

That bag I gave you earlier...

-Lily.

-Mum, what are you doing?

I wasn't coming to get the toys back or anything.

Good, because neither was I.

I've come for the...auction.

Of course. And I was just looking for a pen, which was

in my pocket the whole time.

Excuse me.

Riveting though this conversation is,

would you mind having it somewhere else?

How could you be a better mum than me?

I'm just naturally good with babies, I guess.

-Guys.

-You have no idea what it's like to be a parent.

The sleepless nights, the strict scheduling.

Maybe she just prefers snuggling to spreadsheets.

-Guys.

-And the guilt! Oh, the guilt!

-BEEPING

-Guys, listen!

I think there's something wrong.

Oh, no!

Her temperature is 38.4.

Then we need to cool her down.

You hold her while I administer the medicine.

It's OK, Ellie, we're both here.

And me.

Thanks to Laser Patrol

for their passionate performance of FYI I Heart You.

And now back to the auction.

Lot number seven.

A pair of rugby socks.

Nearly new, size 11, kindly donated by Jayden Burnett.

50p. Anyone?

20p.

Ten.

Sold, for 10p, to... Oh, Jayden Burnett.

10p, eh?

So that's a grand total of £13.40.

Plenty of time yet.

Lot number eight.

Dream catcher...

Temperature's normal, that was close.

Jas, can I have a quick word?

Martha, have you got a second?

Thing is, Lily won't admit it, but she can't let go of her toys.

Mum won't admit that she can't let go of my childhood,

but obviously I can't buy the toys back.

So I thought if I give you the money...

..then you could bid on my behalf, not for me, you understand.

It's for her, you see.

It can be our little...

..secret.

Consider it done.

Leave it with me.

Sold for a staggering £2.50, set of four Tupperware boxes without lids.

-Here you go, Jake.

-Oh! But I wasn't bidding,

I was just waving to Laser Patrol.

£18.20.

So there'll be no nappy meal today

unless of course you fancy one, Miss Parfitt.

-How's Ellie?

-She's fine now.

We're a good team when we work together, Jas.

Yeah, let's never be competitive again.

Agreed.

And the last lot of the afternoon, lot number 11,

a selection of babyish toys including one Crumples the bunny.

-Do I hear...

-£1.

What? £2.

What? Right, £2.50.

Hold on, you're going too fast.

£3.

What do you want these for?

-3.50.

-It's my business.

£5.

Looks like we've got a bidding war going on.

There's a long way to go.

My goodness, £5.

This is so exciting!

-£6.

-Seven.

What are you doing? I only gave you £5.

Eight. I know, but I can't let her beat me!

Us. I mean you. I'll make up the difference.

15.

-20.

-I believe that makes the running total £38.20 unless you want to

-check the figures, Jeff.

-Come on, Jas.

Mum!

-25.

-30.

This is about the baby, isn't it?

What? Of course it isn't.

You're just too competitive.

£30. Any advance on 30?

No, no - no advance!

-Going once.

-I'm competitive?

I'm not the one spending £30 just to prove a point.

BOTH: Stop, it's my fault.

-What?!

-Going twice.

Yes, go on, go on.

£35!

Gone!

-No!

-Yes.

L-O-S-E-R! Loser, loser,

loser, loser, yes, you are.

Sorry about trying to outbid you aggressively.

On someone else's behalf.

No worries. Who knew Maxwell was such a big Sparkles the pony fan?

Wow, it seems that L8182C...

-Ellie.

-..that Ellie, sorry, has been very well looked after.

-Well done, you two.

-Well, we had a little help from Auntie Jas.

Ma-ma.

That's just a glitch.

Perhaps you've learned that being a parent isn't as easy as you thought.

-Absolutely.

-Thank goodness it's all over.

Yeah, back to normal.

Ma-mam.

Ma-mam.

Ma-mam.

What?

OK, Lily, we're done, you can come in now.

Oh! Mum!

-I love it.

-Well, Rob helped with all the flatpack furniture.

And there's even some spare screws left over, so...bonus!

Thank you so much.

This is just how I wanted it.

I should have listened to you in the first place.

It's just, well, you'll always be my baby.

Maybe I was trying to grow up too quickly.

And if I'm honest, I do kind of miss Crumples the bunny.

-Have a look in the bottom of the torvik.

-The what?

-The drawers.

Crumples! My toys!

But didn't Maxwell buy them?

Yes, except he was bidding for me so I could give them back to you.

I knew you didn't really want to get rid of them.

That's so romantic!

You know I'd do anything for you, Lily,

except look like a dork by bidding on Sparkles myself, obviously.

What did you do with all that upcycled stuff?

Oh, don't worry - it went to a good home.

Ah, Vicki.

-How are you?

-I am A-OK, Jeff.

Good, good. You know that nonsense

with the auction, we can just put that behind us, can't we?

-Absolutely.

-Good, good.

I'll, er...

-Jeff.

-Yes?

Baked beans a la nappy. Would you like a knife and fork with that?