Episode 12 Splatalot

-It's Splat time!

-A dozen death-defying daredevils

of Splatalot will go head-to-head with the defiant Defenders

as they strive to capture the highly coveted crown of Splatalot.

Will the Defenders keep the castle safe from the Attackers,

preserve the kingdom of Splatlot and reign victorious?

Is that head-over-heels? I believe that was head-over-heels.

Who will tumble, who will tilt, who will teeter

-and who will go...

-Splat?

Hello! I'm Dick. He's Dom. And this is Splatalot.

It is indeed. Now, Dick, my old boy, how would you describe Splatalot

-in a nutshell?

-Well...

I'll give it a go! HE GRUNTS AND GROANS

-Ready?

-I'm in.

-Right. Good.

-Fine. Describe it.

-Well, in the first round,

only the fastest six will survive. They will be sent to the stockade.

But only four will be lucky enough to escape,

and compete in the final round for the all-important Splatalot crown.

-And that was Splatalot in a nutshell.

-Well done! Mwah!

-Get off!

-Here it is, not in a nutshell.

DICK GIBBERS

We begin with the baffling barrels,

then up the slippery slope to the terrifying rolling mace.

Whilst being pelted at all times by the Defenders on their splatzooka.

Then down the impossible incline and across the beastly battleaxes.

And you'll have a high-powered water cannon for company.

Then it's over the rope bridge of disaster!

And on to the perilous pole-vault to complete the course

at the castle entrance.

-Now, that is quite a challenge.

-It's about to get even challengier,

because those bazookas and water cannons don't fire themselves.

Bring on the Defenders.

In round one, the croc who likes to shock, Crocness.

-Next it's the one, the only...

-Gildar.

And finally, lovable barbarian Skabb!

If we don't happen to get you...

The mace roll will!

-GROWLING

-The beast speaks!

I think they scare themselves. Let's begin.

I'm going to be the queen of the -

Here's candidate Queen Jenna.

-And so your quest begins.

-She's looking good so far.

Ooh, bum-whacker! But I don't think she meant to do that.

And Jenna is really scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Jenna likes nail polish and hates dragonflies.

Here's your introduction to Crocness.

She just added swamp-dwelling paintballers to her hate list.

Oh, I think her nail-polish will be chipped after that fall.

If we slow this down, you'll see Jenna does a back-flip

-into the moat. Good lass.

-Is that head-over-heels?

-I believe that was head-over-heels.

-Gold star for Gildar.

-I have you lined up, Jenna.

-It was nice of Crocness to warn her.

It might have been more polite not to hit her at all.

I think we have a warrior on our hands, Gildar!

She's quite tenacious, but I don't think she is as handsome.

Gildar can't even make a compliment without including himself.

Skabb now taking a more direct approach,

but I think the rope bridge takes credit for that.

Jenna, has anyone ever forgotten your birthday?

-They forget mine, Jenna!

-Oh, here we go.

Birthdays really aren't a Viking kind of thing.

Vikings are little girly-girls! Barbarians beat up Vikings.

-Will you just focus?

-Come on, boys.

Slippery hootenanny into the wet-wang. She's home!

Do you see the happy dance? The happy dance!

-I am not impressed.

-Me neither. All that bickering let her through.

And she finishes with a respectable time of 4:45.

-Here's Timmy.

-This is for Warren!

The baffling barrels have not been baffling for Timmy.

-Hello, Tim-Timmy.

-A friendly greeting from Crock-Crocky.

-I can see you!

-Bring it!

Looks like Timmy's a taunter! Taunting never pays.

-See, the price is generally one huge expensive...

-Splat.

He's grabbing his hooter! Conk-tastic.

-Bad luck for Timmy.

-SKABB LAUGHS

-Hi, Timmy! I'm Skabb!

-You think Skabb's just being nice?

He doesn't really do nice. I think he was subtly distracting Timmy.

-And he did a pretty good job.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah!

-Go, then!

Nothing subtle about Skabb this time as Timmy falls off the rope bridge.

-Ploppy!

-Early days yet, but Timmy, that time of 5:53 is very beatable.

Every time I see the happy dance, I just get nauseated.

I feel the same every time I see Gildar. Time for our next Attacker!

And here is Sneha, whose nickname is Twinkle.

It's time to win this!

Twinkle's not receiving any star treatment from those barrels.

Twinkle, Twinkle, little star,

I am the dashing and handsome Gildar.

I'm going to blow chunks. Gildar may be the wordsmith,

but Croc just does all her talking with the splatzooka.

Oh, that's another one on target, and Twinkle heads for the moat.

It's not my fault that my good looks tend to be distracting.

One look at Gildar and I want to jump into the lake too.

Now, don't be nasty.

Here's our next Attacker, Tristan, on the incline.

He's into scuba diving and sing-screaming.

HE SCREAMS

What exactly is sing-screaming?

-What Skabb would sound like if he did karaoke.

-Fair enough.

Tristan?

You know what would make you feel better? Do one of your "waaah"s.

Skabb once again is trying to distract the Attackers.

And again it works. It's like a delayed reaction.

Tristan bought a one-way ticket to the Tuscan bean.

He finishes with a time of 7:07, and Twinkle's time isn't bright either.

Our next Attacker is Scott.

-Fast like a bullet!

-And slippy like a seal.

The mace is certainly on a roll today -

-a bog roll.

-Scott is into paintballing,

so perhaps the Defenders' weapons won't bother him.

That bridge is bothering him.

You know, Scott kind of rhymes with "spot".

-DOM LAUGHS

-No, it doesn't.

Are we just rhyming off random facts about each other?

Gildar, you look like a girl sometimes!

Oh, not again! Has Skabb learned nothing today?

-Look what you did!

-You know, Skabb, if you did a better job,

he wouldn't be doing the happy dance right now.

There is Scott doing the happy dance, with a happy time of 4:29.

Here's our sixth Attacker, Christine, who's into gymnastics.

I love fudge and bacon!

-Together?!

-Separately!

-No, I missed that.

-She said, "I love fudge and bacon."

I said, "Together?!" And she said, "Separately." Anything else?

-Er, no. Carry on.

-Meanwhile, Christine is in the moat.

Thank you, Gildar. I seem to be doing well without your help.

-I'm gorgeous.

-Honestly! Christine is across the axes,

And... Oh! It's like she saw a plate of fudge and bacon!

I told you, she likes them separately.

She nearly clears the moat. Where was Skabb?

Skabb, that was your job!

Christine completes her job in 3:12. Well done!

Here's the leaderboard so far. Christine is leading with 3:12.

Sneha is looking doubtful with a time to beat of 10:47,

and Tristan isn't safe either.

And with six more Attackers to come, anything is possible.

What's probable is a lot more splatting.

-SHE SCREAMS

-I like it when people scream.

It's not Screamalot, it's Splatalot!

So, how do you feel the first half went?

The Defenders really let themselves down, I think.

Crocness held it together, but Gildar and Skabb had a right old bicker.

Yeah, but who's at fault? Skabb let three Defenders over the moat.

But Gildar knows what buttons to press.

Skabb's only got one button - on and off. Bit like yours.

What? I haven't got an on-and-off...

Right! It's really nice, isn't it?

Here's a reminder of the leaderboard.

Christine is in the lead with 3:12,

but Sneha will be lucky to make it out with a vulnerable 10:47.

Remember, only the six fastest survive.

-Aaargh! Fudge and bacon. What just happened?

-What do you mean?

Let's do this!

Couldn't have put it better myself.

-Mikaela is into rock-climbing.

-How about slope-climbing?

-Mikaela?

-Going for the slow and steady approach.

And it's quite a tactic. She seems to have confused the Defenders.

Gildar's actually speechless.

Mikaela, if you could please just move it along,

and then we can knock you back into the moat.

It is a little mean, but we have a Castle to defend,

-and it's kind of our job.

-Try your hardest.

Oh, here we go!

-Oh, stunt ball!

-I beg your pardon?

-Stunt ball!

-What?

-Stunt ball!

-What?

-Stunt ball!

-Shut up! Mikaela picking up the pace now,

but that just accelerates her into the moat.

-Whoopee!

-Mikaela likes rocks but the mace likes to roll.

Mikaela, this is Skabb over here.

HE YELLS SHE SCREAMS

I like it when people scream when they see me.

I would've thought that happened quite a lot.

Are you ready? Are you ready? Arrrgh!

He's trying to scream her off-balance.

He does know he's got a water cannon?

But he seems a bit more focussed in the second half.

Oh, Jeffrey!

And Mikaela finishes in 8:07, which knocks Sneha out of the top six.

-But it puts her in the danger zone.

-I love football!

He loves football, but does he love barrels?

Ooh, crunchy!

Isn't it more about the barrels not loving him?

Where are you, Patrick? You love football, hey?

-Bet you won't like these balls.

-Now Crocness is trying to be funny.

She's focussed. She's a hunter, and Patrick is her prey.

Patrick now on the battleaxes. He's holding on tight.

This might be a good approach. He's one small step away!

-Here he goes. Ooh, Jeffrey returns!

-And that was the problem!

That last step was too small, and he bounces into the arabiatta.

I'm so happy.

And so is Patrick for now. That time of 6:57 knocks out Mikaela.

Good job, everybody. The happy dance again.

That's right! I don't like your happy dance!

Fruits and veggies give me wings!

-What gives her wings?

-Fruit and veggies.

-Funny. They just give me wind.

-We could've done with wings.

-She's fallen at the first barrel.

-Let's go, Bri!

-I don't have all day!

-Neither does Bri. This is against the clock.

-Having a nice time, Bri?

-I think that's a no-comment from Bri.

Oh, the mace does its job yet again, and Bri is in the moat a second time.

That's one time too many. She's OK, but she's decided she can't go on.

-I don't know what I'm doing!

-Well, at least he's honest.

So, you don't know what you're doing, hey, Arthur?

I know what he's doing. He's falling off the mace.

-He's known as King Arthur to his friends.

-Now he's Wet Arthur.

He has no clue. No clue at all.

That could haunt Gildar if Arthur takes the crown.

And so could that act of treason from Crocness!

Arthur's forgotten this is against the clock. He needs to move fast.

-What shall we do while we wait?

-How about this?

-I'll go first. Kiss.

-All right. Hug.

Kiss.

-Hug.

-Oh, hang on. Here comes our next Attacker.

-I love hot sauce!

-I'd have won that.

-Oh, shut up.

Will you make it up the ramp, Will?

That's clever. I see what you did there.

They just about deserve each other, don't they?

-And there goes Will.

-Crocness is proving herself today.

That splat leads to an incredible reverse slide down the slope

for Will.

Will has two challenges on his hands. Time is ticking away.

And suddenly both have beaten him. Bad luck, Bill!

Billy Cotton!

Birds unite! Ka-kaw!

Does he think he's got a secret army of birds to assist him?

-Well, he's flying over the barrels.

-That was "fowl".

I eat birds for lunch.

Well, no sign of any birds yet.

Crocness has scared them off. She's in a "fowl" mood.

You can't keep doing the same old gag. He's getting pelted out there.

He's almost over the mace - but flappy dodo!

Hello, Zachery, or Zach. Which do you prefer?

I don't care. I am Skabb!

And Zach is down! That's quite a spectacular splat,

as he was running at high speed, but he's all right.

He's more than all right. He's through, knocking out Tristan.

Now back to King Arthur. He's still on the battleaxes.

I can't even look at you right now, Arthur.

Will you fire, Crocness? He's getting away! He's on the axes.

Wait for it. I wouldn't rest there if I were you.

-He needs to hurry now.

-Cos that won't work!

Oh, double-twang flap! The final splat for Arthur!

-His quest for the crown is over.

-But that quest continues

for the six Attackers with the fastest times.

Let's go to the leaderboard to see who's made it to the next round.

It's Christine, Zachery, Scott, Jenna, Timmy, Patrick. The rat pack!

Christine was the fastest and Patrick the slowest,

but in the next round everyone starts from scratch in the Stockade.

It'll be slimy and foamy, and the Defenders will get all mouthy.

Stop hugging that thing! It ain't your girlfriend.

And, of course, it will all get quite splatty.

Did you spot any improvement from the Defenders?

Oh, yes. They were much more focussed,

-although Crocness was the best of the baddies in my book.

-Right.

Would a baddie actually want to be the best?

Surely baddies want to be, like, the worst!

Because for a baddie, the best is bad,

and to be the worst is good. I mean...

Fitted it after round one when he was having a kip.

Should've done it years ago. Here are our top six Attackers.

We have Christine, Zachery, Scott, Jenna, Timmy and Patrick,

and they are about to enter the Stockade!

Unlike the first round, they'll all be in the same arena together,

so this time they'll really be competing against each other.

-Nonny knob-knobs! What happened?

-Nothing!

-We were just talking about the Stockade.

-Let's take a look.

The Attackers will remain strapped to the spinning wheel of certain doom

-until the klaxon sounds.

-They can then head to the ladder rungs

which slot into their ladders, but the rungs only fit certain holes.

All this time the Stockade will be filling up with foam,

water and paintball grenades.

The Attackers have to grab one of only four flags

-before making their escape.

-Remember, there are only four flags,

so two Defenders will not make it out of there.

And we're introducing three fresh Defenders

who simply can't wait to get splatting.

She can go ballistic! It's Ballista.

Next it's shady Samurai, Shaiden. And finally...

I'm going to be the thorn in your side!

It's Thorne!

It looks like they're already in a feisty mood.

With just seconds to go, here's how the Attackers line up.

Zachery's in the dark blue, Scott in the orange, Shaiden in all blue.

Christine's in the pink. Ballista's in the tartan.

Look, now Timmy's in the foamy blue,

Patrick in the slimy yellow, and Jenna in foam-tingle purple!

-KLAXON BLARES

-There's the klaxon. And they're off!

-Hello, Attackers!

-Not all of them.

-Come on. Don't lay there all day.

-Good! Now they're all off.

-I like my targets to move a little bit.

Thorne claims his first splat of the day,

and it's Christine with a helmet splat!

-I love a foam party!

-Look at this one clinging to life!

He's clinging, but Scott now makes his move,

and poopy! Straight into his ladder.

It's pretty foamy now inside the Stockade,

and this is when the slips and the splats really start to take off.

Oh, the annihilating arm now causing problems.

Oh, not for Zach, look. He's just given it a big hug.

In all that kerfuffle he's gone and lost his shoe.

He may have gained an arm but he's lost his footwear.

He finishes the move with a huge splat.

-Good luck finding that, Zach.

-The other Defenders have started well,

but what's happened to Shaiden?

Hey, Shaiden! You going to stand there and look pretty all day

-or are you going to do something?

-So, you admit I'm pretty?

And the bickering begins! Will this help the Attackers?

-It hasn't helped Scott.

-He's struggling to get round the arm.

Ooh, and the same is true for Christine.

Although that's quite a classy landing!

Oh, and he's still splatting with accuracy.

-It looks like Christmas!

-Well, it does and it doesn't.

Stop hugging that thing. It ain't your girlfriend.

I don't think Scott's got a choice! Oh, and he's off.

-No "arm" done. Get it?

-HE LAUGHS

And the Defenders seem to be enjoying themselves way too much.

That's because none of the Attackers have built a ladder yet.

Oh, showing off his skills on the slime stick.

-Scott's not too impressed.

-I think he likes it!

No, he doesn't. None of the Attackers seem to be liking this onslaught.

Plus that arm is still getting in the way.

Scott will remember his time in the stockade for some time to come.

Zach has another rung! His ladder's almost complete.

-Thorne has spotted him.

-Hey, look this way!

And Zach is slimed!

Excellent. Let's see that again! And again! And again!

Hey, orange! Up here!

Orange is Scott, but Ballista doesn't care what your name is

as long as it ends in "splat".

Ballista's slime stick and the arm ganging up on Scott there.

Timmy and Zach are now struggling with the arm,

-and so is Christine.

-I've got something for you as well.

And Thorne still sliming Zach! His splat-Zach count is now up to five.

Christine has the first flag, but slides into a ladder.

The arm splats Patrick while Zach goes for a second flag.

Christine is nearly there, and Timmy now has his last rung.

The pace is hotting up, and Christine is first through.

Timmy now has the third flag. Just one left!

The Defenders really need to respond to this.

Even more slime from Thorne, but Zach doesn't care.

HE SHOUTS

He's the second one out of the Stockade

-and through to the final.

-Oh, and Jenna has the last flag!

Timmy now climbs to the top, so one place remains!

Which means Thorne has one last chance to slime someone,

-and he doesn't waste it.

-Yes, Jenna gets slimed,

but she's our fourth finalist. Well done, Christine, Jenna,

-Timmy and Zach.

-And farewell to Scott and Patrick.

It just wasn't their day.

One of these finalists is one step closer to claiming the crown.

But that is easier said than done,

because the Attackers now face all six Defenders.

The bad guys have been arguing all day, but if that changes...

-Tag team, Skabb.

-How about a double team?

..then, anything could happen. It's splat time!

Why don't we take a moment to celebrate some classic splats?

That's why we call it Splatalot!

Has today been more about Defenders losing than Attackers winning?

Round one was full of arguments between Skabb and Gildar,

but Ballista and Shaiden were getting a little cranky

-in round two.

-Yeah, they were. Like us at times, really.

But we never mean anything by it.

And if you ever get it in the neck from anyone,

-I'll always be there to give you a helping hand.

-Isn't that nice?

And if you're ever looking down, I'll always be right beneath you.

Now...

-THEY GRUNT

-What was that?

-Where were we?

-No idea. Let's take another look at the leaderboard.

Christine, Jenna, Timmy and Zachery will face each other in the final.

All six Defenders come out to play for this one.

They are Gildar, Skabb, Crocness, Shaiden, Thorne and Ballista.

And then there's the course itself. Look at the obstacles!

-Titanic teeter-totters!

-The foam-filled fountain!

The Defenders' weaponry firing at all times.

And then the barrier, the lily-pads and the water-wall,

all there to defend the Splatalot crown!

Drugs are bad! Stay in school!

The Defenders shouting with one voice.

Here are the Attackers - Timmy in the blue,

Christine in the pink, Jenna in the light purple

and Zach also in the blue.

-And they're off into the foam!

-Christine is first to emerge,

-but she gets slimed by Gildar!

-She looks totally surprised by that.

As if the course and the Defenders weren't enough to deal with,

the setting sun is now casting a shadow on the arena.

The Attackers have their work cut out.

And Zach becomes the first victim on the teeters.

Christine teetering, and hanging and splashing.

And Jenna getting quite a hosing from Ballista!

-Come on, sunshine!

-Is she talking to Jenna or the weather?

Skabb is a ray of sunshine, isn't he?

Christine needs to try a different technique, I think.

-Tag-team, Skabb!

-How about a double team?

Oh, this doesn't look good for Jenna!

On a count of nine! One-two-three-four-five-nine!

Not the most professional countdown, though the Defenders are united.

Jenna is not falling down - unlike Zach next to her.

And Jenna is the first to make it to the barrier.

Timmy is teetering, and once you start teetering you totter,

and a splat soon follows. Ooh!

Shaiden reloads, and Thorne joins in with the vaporisers.

But again, Jenna is moving forward.

Here she goes! She's onto the lily-pads!

Skabb gets in on the act. Christine is still struggling

with her tottering technique. Oh, tumbly tatters!

Back to Jenna, who is now a standing target.

Gildar has her in his sights. Will he splat, though?

No! That's a rare sight - Gildar missing.

-Ballista is targeting Jenna.

-She's too focussed on her,

-and the others are making progress.

-Jenna is still leading!

Christine has made it to the barrier, but she slides off.

If you don't make a clean leap to a lily-pad, you're sent back.

-Zach at the barrier now.

-You may have gotten past the ninja,

-but you won't get by me.

-Ballista and Shaiden have things to discuss,

and that gives Zach an opportunity to catch up.

If that wasn't bad enough, Thorne is now vaporising the poor girl!

-Will she survive?

-Yes, she will. She's now at the water-wall.

And Zach is still making progress. This could be close.

The Defenders are now focussing on all the front runners.

Christine was sent back alongside Timmy.

-I think their race is over.

-Jenna is nearly there.

Zach is now also on the wall, but I don't think he can catch her.

You're right! Jenna's made it. She's captured the crown.

You're proud of this? You're proud? You should not be proud!

There should be no pride here during the happy dance!

Gildar is such a sulk. What's wrong with the happy dance?

-Where would you like me to start?

-Oh, yes. It's not about him -

-it's about Jenna, our new queen.

-She is a worthy champion,

but don't forget, we've got another winner to pick,

because it's time for Splat of the Day.

Today's highlight came about during this classic encounter

-between Thorne and Zach.

-We've had other memorable moments.

Maybe fudge and bacon CAN work together.

But will Gildar and Skabb after today's arguments?

Most memorable of all was the crowning of Queen Jenna.

Here's her story. Jenna kicked off round one with this prediction.

I'm going to be the queen of the castle!

And so she is. So take it away, Queen Jenna!

I am the queen of this castle!

-See you next time.

-Splat you later.

-Bye.

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