Episode 13 Splatalot

-It's Splat time!

-It's going to be a very long day.

A dozen death-defying daredevils

of Splatalot will go head-to-head with the defiant Defenders

as they strive to capture the highly coveted crown of Splatalot.

Will the Defenders keep the castle safe from the Attackers,

preserve the kingdom of Splatalot and reign victorious?

I just look at them and they fall off. I'm just that good.

Who will tumble, who will tilt, who will teeter

-and who will go...

-Splat?

Hello! I'm Dick. He's Dom. Welcome to Splatalot...

-The modern medieval game show.

-A modern and medieval game show!

What a combination! Like sausage-flavoured ice cream.

No. It's a modern, fast-paced, high-energy tournament,

challenging 12 young warriors to complete three rounds

in a medieval setting for the right to wear the Splatalot crown.

-Is it nice?

-Lovely! Mmm!

-Mmm!

-Here's what that medieval setting looks like in more detail.

-What?

-Round one will challenge all 12 Attackers

-to cross the Splatalot moat.

-Only the fastest six will make it through.

And only four will emerge to compete in the majestic medieval final

for that all-important crown.

And that's what's coming up

in today's sausage-ice-cream-flavoured show.

You've just got a little bit of ice-cream... I'll just...

-There we are. Got it.

-Good.

-HE MUMBLES THROUGH ICE CREAM

-What?

We begin with the battle balls. The word "spiky" springs to mind.

Then the slippery slope to the rolling mace,

which is the perfect location to get splatted by the splatzooka.

Then the impossible incline leads to the beastly battleaxes. Beastly!

Ooh! And to finish off, we have the water cannon,

the rope bridge of disaster, and the heinous helper.

Other obstacles come in the form of the Defenders.

They have pretty much one job to do -

to make the lives of the Attackers as difficult as possible.

Trouble is, they really enjoy their job.

Defending the moat is Splatalot's golden boy, Gildar,

the shady blue ninja, Shaiden, and Thorne.

I'm going to be the thorn in your side.

Welcome to Splatalot!

-Watch your step!

-And your face!

That's quite a combination. If Gildar isn't distracted by his mirror,

-the Attackers might be in trouble.

-Here's our first Attacker.

Let's go!

-Well said. Let's go. Uh-oh!

-Welcome to your worst nightmare!

Those battle balls will probably keep Connor awake for some time.

For those of you flipping through the channels

looking for some quality Viking programming,

your prayers have just been answered.

Love him or hate him, Gildar is a master with that splatzooka.

And Connor is literally swept off his feet!

Hoo, splat!

Huh?

You better hurry up, or Gildar is going to make sure you're a goner.

-Show us what you're made of!

-Thorne now taunting Connor,

-and he's down!

-The Defenders shooting from the mouth

as well as the splatzooka!

Connor sprinting down the incline, and ka-splootie!

Yes, he simply failed to put on the brakes.

Bet it's nice and warm in there!

Connor, have you ever seen a better-looking Viking than me?

Does Gildar seriously expect Connor to answer that?

It's not exactly the best time, is it?

Ka-splengle! Would you chalk that up to Gildar or the battleaxes?

Gildar takes the credit for everything,

but Connor should be thanked for another top wang-wang.

Witness the wrath of Shaiden!

And Connor witnesses first-hand the wrath of the rope bridge.

He's made it to the heinous helper, and with one last splat, he's over.

Connor makes it in 7:21 and sets the pace for the rest.

Aaaaaaaaah!

That battle cry says it all, really.

"Aaaaaaah!" Nothing I enjoy more than a sophisticated, intelligent

and witty war-cry. What's your name? Sebastien. What's your war-cry?

-Aaaaaaaah!

-Gildar is really dishing it out today.

-Ooh, Wigan!

-Throw it at me. I dare you to throw it at me.

This could end in tears. Ooh, sploot!

You feel like a big man now, Sebastien?

-Ooh! Gildar splats Sebastien again.

-Aha!

-And, yes, he's in the moat.

-Thank you!

Here's how not to win Splatalot. You splat the Defender, he splats back,

and you go... Fatty Ambridge!

It gets worse, because Gildar tends to hold a grudge,

and Sebastian is taking some serious splats!

-Don't throw at a Viking!

-Gildar's in a fiery mood today,

and Sebastian is feeling the heat on the mace.

He tries to hold on, but that old mace just keeps rolling along.

Thorne now opens with his vaporiser,

and Sebastien is stretched to the limit on the battleaxes.

He doesn't get his timing right, and once more he's bum-chuffed.

Dance it up, Sebastien. Dance it up. Yeah.

He's dancing because he's eight seconds faster than Connor.

-Next is Shaun!

-Aaaaaaaarrrrgh!

Another intense battle cry there, Here are the intense battle balls.

They're proving quite a handful. A face-full. A whole body-full.

What's wrong with the youth of today,

that they can't express themselves through words?

When I was pillaging villages in my youth,

-we had the decency to not just yell at people...

-Get on with it.

..but to say, "Hey, we're pillaging your village."

Who does he think he is?

That's not how it works! You don't plunder a Viking!

-I do the plundering!

-Well, after that history lesson,

Shaun gets an education in mace-rolling.

See? Told you.

You think you're worthy of our crown?

Try and get past me!

-OK, here he goes. And... pah-tang!

-He really loves this course.

He plants a kiss on the platform before finishing in 6:03.

Great defending, everyone! Really good job!

Let's get it done!

-Here's Nakita getting it done.

-Is that the way to get things done?

-Oh, Nesbitt Burns!

-Ahem, ahem! Nakita, hello!

Or goodbye. If you don't want to talk, we don't have to talk.

It's goodbye. She's fine, but she's decided she can't finish the course.

-Ow! Oww!

-Battle cries have been a little bit off-the-wall today,

and Madison's is no exception. Gildar's splatzooka is jammed!

This doesn't work any more. This doesn't work!

If nothing goes to plan, improvise!

Madison takes Thorne's advice by dashing across the mace. Oh, no!

-She's fallen.

-This course is hard enough even without Gildar.

-How do you work this thing?

-Press the big shiny button, Gildar.

Gildar still struggling, and so is Madison, on the incline.

-Patata-swat!

-A happy dance.

-That's great.

-You call that a dance?

-Yeah!

Madison is the fastest so far.

See what happens when I leave you two to defend the castle?

-Mummy!

-Ooh, Kyle's shouting for his mummy.

-Is that a good thing?

-What's your favourite Gildar pose?

You like this one? One of my favourites.

-A striking post from Gildar!

-Amazing. Thank you. See?

I told you he's a fan.

Kyle is a fan of the mace, and he's the first one over today.

A fantastic dive at the end to finish the move in style.

Leave this guy alone. He is a very big fan of Gildar.

Gildar shouldn't be picking favourites.

How'd he get that far that quick?

Gildar comes to his senses and splats Kyle. Kyle is down!

I just look at them and they fall off. I'm just that good, guys.

I'm proud of you, Kyle. When Gildar's your role model,

you whip through this course. That's my boy!

Does Gildar realise he let Kyle through in the fastest time so far?

Kyle would have been too fast anyway.

He leads with 2:01, and Connor's 7:21 is the time to beat.

We've seen every side of the Defenders today -

-especially Gildar.

-We're only halfway through round one.

Yes, the second half will be just as juicy,

and splooshy, splashy and splatty.

Time for a little swim, is it?

And now here's a review of the first half in five seconds.

Hi! I'm Gildar. I got lovely hair. Oh, I'm a Viking.

No! My splatzooka's jammed. Kyle's my favourite!

And that was the first half in five seconds.

-Now we start eliminating Attackers.

-Only the six fastest will survive,

and with six more to come, it's all still to play for.

Kyle is on top with 2:01, but Connor has that time to beat of 7:21.

But now it's time to get back to the matter in hand.

I will beat you all!

Will you, now? Charlie kicks off the second half in style.

Cloth-ears! The battle balls have proved tricky today. Oochie!

Let's see how Charlie deals with Gildar.

I am the mighty modern-day Viking, Gildar.

-Understated as ever.

-And Charlie heads for the moat!

Charlie's into snowboarding, but a rolling mace is not the same thing.

Will he be any more balanced on the battleaxes?

So far, so good. But maybe that blast from Thorne distracted him.

-Another splat for Charlie.

-You're my problem now, Charlie.

-Bring it on.

-The problem with being Shaiden's problem

is that her solution often ends in a splat - just like that.

Beaten by a lady. How does it feel?

He's feeling fine, because with a time of 4:35,

-he is through.

-Two more rounds, Charlie.

-Arooga!

-Excellent! Another full-on battle cry.

No pleasantries from Gildar, just a good old splat to break the ice.

Actually, Gildar didn't quite hit him,

but it was enough to put him off his stride and down that slippery slope.

Samuel tries the mace. Oh, no! He's tripped.

And that's a trip he won't enjoy.

Maybe that's because he flew with Rolling Mace Airways.

-Didn't mean that kind of trip.

-I know.

Sam's now on the rope bridge, but not for long.

Yes! It's a shower from Shaiden, and a bath in the semolina.

That water ain't free. If you drink any more of it,

-we'll have to run up a tab.

-Thorne's just frustrated

because Samuel's put in a great time, which knocks out Connor.

-Let's go!

-Keisha's almost too ready, but Croydon!

The battle balls once again put a dampener on things,

especially Keisha, who is now slightly more than damp.

Now taking a more cautious approach up the slope.

-Runcorn!

-You're welcome, Keisha.

-No need to say thank you.

-Keisha needs to speed up,

but she takes a tumble. Oh, wet dogs! The mace once more taking its toll.

It's throwing Attackers round like ragdolls.

Purple... Whooooo!

I didn't understand it, but I like Harleen's energy.

Harleen, I get very impatient. Got a lot to do.

Gildar opens his mouth and opens fire. Swan-dive!

And Harleen too finds the mace is in a foul mood today.

-There goes another splat.

-Sorry about that.

Will she get on with the impossible incline?

-No! It's impossible.

-Time for a swim?

Harleen will find it impossible to qualify,

-as that time is too slow.

-Sorry, dear.

-Moose!

-Moose! Cidnee's battle cry is the first animal impression today.

Trouble is, the Viking hunter is just round the corner.

Oh, Bradford! A quadruple splat from Gildar. Four Bradfords!

And Cidnee is still in his sights on the mace. Soggy doilies!

A single splat brings Cidnee crashing down,

and it's another splat from Gildar.

Let's see if the Cidnee moose can make a safe crossing

-over the battleaxes.

-Yes, she - Ssh!

-You'll startle her.

Will you lose the silly antlers?

Now, will Shaiden hunt Cidnee down?

You picked the wrong day to trespass in Splatalot.

Despite Shaiden's efforts, Cidnee finishes in a good time of 5:02.

-That knocks out Sebastien.

-V-I-C-T-O-RY, my battle cry!

A clever battle cry, but drowned out by all that water.

Looking good on the battle balls.

Once again they catch out another Attacker.

-Oh, but wait! She's recovered!

-Come on, Mikayla!

We haven't seen anyone cross the battle balls today. Oh, flump!

-We still haven't. Bad luck.

-Time for Mikayla to meet Gildar now.

Yeah, I am! I got a castle to defend.

Mikayla with some back-chat there, but she's down.

She's up. She's down. She's getting it down.

She got it down.

-What are you doing?

-I'm getting it down.

Mikayla gets on down to the battleaxes.

-Look at me.

-And despite Thorne, she's made it!

-Good old fog-of-war.

-Mikayla's almost over.

These two monkeys might let you pass, but I will not.

Shaiden gives Mikayla a soaking-down and a dressing-down.

And Mikayla takes a splatting, but she won't mind,

as that's a great time and she's definitely through.

Next time, you're mine.

-So, that's the end of round one.

-Let's see who's through!

Our top six are Kyle, Mikayla, Samuel, Charlie, Madison and Moose.

-Sorry, Cidnee.

-That round was all about speed.

The next round is more complicated.

Yes, because it's time for the tricky, splatty Stockade.

And then there were six. Who do you think we should look out for?

Kyle was the fastest, but Gildar seemed to take a shine to him

and give him an easy ride, so maybe he hasn't been tested yet.

Maybe. And Madison also benefited from that faulty splatzooka.

And who can forget Cidnee and her moose impression?

Here's how they stand after round one.

-Kyle, Mikayla, Samuel, Charlie, Madison and...

-Cidnee Moose!

-Do you have to keep doing that?

-Yes.

-Good.

Time for round two. All the Attackers start from scratch,

so it's still anyone's tournament.

To escape, the Attackers have to cross the giant hexagon

-and leap onto the smaller one.

-Then they can reach the ladder rungs

-required to build their ladders.

-The Stockade will fill up with foam

-and water.

-Once their ladders are complete,

the Attackers have to grab one of four flags

before making their escape.

Yes, people, there are only four flags,

so two Attackers will not make it out of there.

And three fresh and fearsome Defenders will be keeping guard.

-Here's our reptilian rogue, Crocness.

-The name's Kookaburra!

-And finally...

-Tinkor!

With just moments to go, here's how the Attackers line up.

Samuel's in tangerine. Kyle's in stripy blue.

Mikayla's in orange stripe. Madison's got purple.

Cidnee's gone green, and Charlie's in satsuma.

They'll all be foam-coloured in a minute.

And they're off! Kook starts with an early back-splat on Sam.

Ooh, and Kyle with an impressive leap!

Crocness kicking off with the slime stick.

And Mikayla also nails her landing!

Kook throws yet another grenade, and Charlie's splatted.

Madison also lands successfully,

and it's hard to tell, but someone has a rung!

This is like that time I let my hamsters in with my goldfish. Chaos!

-It's definitely Mikayla with a rung.

-You think this is madness?

Says a half-human, half-crocodile with a splatzooka!

-Well, there's method in it.

-I think Tinkor agrees.

Cidnee now, leaping like a...like a moose!

Will you stop it? You're putting her off.

Crocness now with Sam in her sights. Oh, Skegness!

That's his second back-splat in this round.

It's slippy, but Sam has his first rung.

I think this is conditioner too, so just line up.

Kook's actually trying to sell the slime.

Roll up! Get your slime here, ladies and gentlemen.

If you want some slime, now's the time to get it.

Warm slime, blue slime, in your face.

-HE LAUGHS

-Teamwork!

Yeah! How you like them apples?

This foam may look all snowy, but our snowboarder Charlie

is struggling to get to grips with it. Ba-boom!

And he's not the only one. Everyone's slipping out there!

There goes Cidnee, who leaps straight into Sam.

It's survival of the splattest.

-Excuse me, mate.

-Kook all slimy with Madison,

but she gets another rung in. Ooh, look! Sam's leaping well,

but here's Mikayla almost leaping straight into the camera!

A splat-tacular close-up there.

Who is next on Kook's slime list? It's Cidnee!

-HE LAUGHS

-Show time, eh?

I wonder if Tinkor's ever had a shower?

Having fun now, ladies and gentlemen, hey?

Guys, come on. It's not a playground.

Kyle there, trying to slide his way to victory.

Open your mouth, buddy!

He's completing his ladder, but Kook isn't making it easy for him.

-Kyle grabs the first of the flags!

-Up you get, buddy.

Despite Kookaburra, he keeps climbing through that slime,

and he's the first Attacker through to the final!

Sam now makes a move for the second flag,

-and he's got it!

-May as well take the whole bucket.

Mikayla is slimed while Madison, unnoticed, completes her ladder.

Sam also has a trouble-free climb to the top.

Mikayla's also up, but she's forgotten to grab a flag!

Madison hasn't, and she's now on her way to the final.

Mikayla realises her mistake, but can she get the last flag?

-Information that Madison is through!

-I think she wants the flag!

-Flag, flag!

-Don't let her get it!

But she has got it, and heads back to her ladder for the second time.

Charlie is still adding his last rung,

-but it's too late! Mikayla has made it!

-Whoo!

That means Charlie and Cidnee are out. A valiant effort,

but their journey is over.

So the finalists are Kyle, Mikayla, Madison and Samuel.

The Stone Roses.

-Another great contest in the Stockade.

-No, thanks.

-We just had one.

-I wasn't offering!

-We started with 12,

whittled them down to six, and now there are four.

-And this is what they'll be facing.

-The splat-fest of the grand finale!

Welcome to Splatalot!

-It's splat-time!

-Why don't we just take a moment

to celebrate some classic splats?

That's why we call it Splatalot!

And then there were four. We have our finalists!

Kyle was Gildar's favourite in the moat challenge,

so we weren't sure how good he really was.

But that win in the Stockade is a splat in the face for his critics.

The other Attackers have also shown their strengths.

Although Mikayla almost paid the price when she forgot to grab a flag.

What is the price if you forget to grab a flag these days?

The crown awaits, but who will be wearing it?

Here's the line-up - Kyle, Madison, Mikayla and Samuel,

versus Shaiden, Gildar, Thorne, Kook, Tinkor and Crocness!

I think it's going to be a splattle royale today.

Jazzy!

Here's the course in all its majestic glory.

A pole-drop into a mud bath...

Then a slide over the slippy slides...

-To face the terrifying teeter-totters.

-Over the barrier,

-into the lily-pad moat...

-Where the lethal launcher awaits.

And up the water-wall, where the treasured Splatalot crown resides.

Splat 'em to the ground. Defend the crown!

All the Defenders doing their best to put the Attackers off.

Here's how they line up. Sam's in the tangerine,

Kyle's in the blue, Mikayla's in the light blue,

-Madison's in the purple.

-This could get splatty.

We all hope so. And they're off, and down into the muddy baths.

Sam and Kyle are past Shaiden and up over the slippy slides.

So are Mikayla and Madison. It's a good start. On to the teeters,

but this is where it all gets tricky. Who'll be first in?

That honour goes to Sam, who provides the first big splat of the final.

Nice one! Oof!

Look who's taken the lead! It's Kyle, on the barrier of all barriers!

Mikayla's almost across, too - but no. She's down.

Kyle leaps like a frog onto the lily-pad,

-and on with the vaporiser!

-Defence!

Mikayla is in second place, but the barrier is too much for her.

And now act one, two and three!

Yeah! Welcome to Splatalot!

Kyle learns the hard way that being first is not always best.

Dundee! There's another back-splat for Kyle!

Sam trying to make a move on the teeters, but he's in the moat.

This course is huge, and so are the splats.

Kyle seems to be struggling on the lily-pads.

That one went down under!

-I like that one.

-Croc gets Thorne's joke and gets Kyle for good measure.

Oh, both of the Defenders are really pinning Kyle down.

-Shower-shower!

-Tinkor's learnt the word "shower".

Now he just needs to take one. The Defenders ganging up on Kyle,

-and he's back in the moat.

-Mikayla, Sam and Madison still on,

and off the teeters. Bad luck, Mikayla.

Hey, you with the blue helmet! Hey, blue helmet!

-Ignore him, Kyle.

-Why don't they listen to me?

-It's disrespectful.

-No, Gildar. It's called focussing,

and Kyle is on the platform. What's Kook up to?

He's splatting Madison, but shouldn't he be after Kyle?

Thorne's seen the danger and tries to vaporise Kyle.

He's in there somewhere. Tinkor joins in with a bucket of slime.

Kyle must be wondering if this is all worth it.

Sam tries to sprint across the teeter, but no.

Tinkor is using every slime trick in the book to stop Kyle,

and he's even got some left over for Sam.

Now with Kyle pinned down, the other Attackers could catch up,

but Mikayla can't make it. Sam is over, though!

-Kyle still isn't up.

-And now Sam is over and onto the pads!

And Sam is now getting some of Kyle's medicine!

Yes, Sam realising life's not all that sweet on the lily-pads.

This is an all-out onslaught from the Defenders.

-Thorne is vaporising like the kingdom depended on it.

-It does!

-Sam's back in the moat. So is Kyle.

-This is too tense.

They are both now neck and neck.

-Oh-ho! We got a race on our hands!

-We certainly have.

Kyle and Sam. Who will make the decisive move?

Kyle leaps to the right, but that means he's nearer to Thorne,

-who vaporises him yet again.

-Sam also leaps to the right.

-They're heading for the same platform.

-It's too close to call!

-They're both at the water-wall.

-And I need to suck on a lozenge!

Madison and Mikayla are still struggling on the teeters.

-They're both down!

-Back to the wall, and they're both climbing!

-Sam has a slight lead!

-Can Kyle close the gap?

No, he can't! Sam is up and over, and he has his hands on the crown.

He's the new king of Splatalot! The Defenders tried everything,

but it's a stunning victory!

-Oh!

-Have you recovered yet?

-No.

That's the greatest final ever. Kyle won the first two rounds,

and was ahead for most of them. How must he be feeling?

-Still not recovered.

-But you can't take it away from Sam.

What a battler! What a champion!

Here's Splat of the Day.

Today's splat-light came when Connor met Gildar.

The slippery slope, the vain Viking and the moat combined majestically

to produce this splat, but Connor went one better on the battleaxes.

-Top splatting, Connor!

-As always, the splats came thick and fast.

But today's final truly revealed that Splatalot is more than a splat-fest.

-Here's Sam's story.

-Sam took some knocks in round one and two,

and he spent way too long in the final on those teeter-totters.

But he made it to the top, and he's our new king. Take it away, Sam.

I'm the king of the castle!

I still haven't recovered.

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