Episode 14 Splatalot

It's Splatalot!

The modern-day medieval game show that pits 12 brave young warriors

against our dastardly defenders as they do battle

over the much-treasured and highly coveted Splatalot crown.

Will the defenders fend off their foes and preserve the kingdom,

or will the attackers overcome the odds and take over the castle?

Yes, who will tumble, who will tilt, who will teeter,

-and above all, who will go...

-BOTH: Splat!

Hello, splat fans! Welcome to Splatalot!

He's Mary, I'm Dom.

For the next 20 minutes or so we'll transport you

to an incredible world of excitement

where attackers battle with defenders.

-Where courage battles with fear.

-Success battles with failure.

-Strength battles with weakness.

-Brains battle with brawn.

-Nerves battle with tension.

-You get the idea.

-Conviction battles with doubt.

-I battle with him.

Here's what's coming up on today's show.

We start with the moat challenge, where only the six fastest survive.

Then on to the stockade. Only four will escape.

Awaiting them is the grand finale and that all-important crown.

Please, sir, can I have some more detail?

You don't have to beg.

We start with the baffling barrels.

Then it's up the slippery slope across the terrifying rolling mace.

Next, the impossible incline leading to the beastly battle-axes.

It's a splat waiting to happen.

Then it's across the rope bridge of disaster.

Finally, the perilous pole vault takes you over the finish line.

The paintball, splatzooka and water cannon

will be on guard at all times.

And who's operating them?

This lot - the dastardly defenders.

But only three of them will take part in the moat challenge.

She looks cute but she's really a brute. It's Ballista.

-The poet who knows it - Knightriss.

-There's nothing to fear here...

-but fear, dear!

-SHE CACKLES

Finally, the spiky and prickly Thorne.

-Are you ready for us?

-Yes.

-Cos we're ready for you.

KNIGHTRISS CACKLES

Great. So they're ready, we're ready...

-Everyone's ready.

-Ready?

There's Knightriss at the water drop.

Ballista is on the splatzooka.

Thorne is looking after the water cannon.

-Here's Jacob.

-Let's get 'er done!

And let's get him showered.

-Thank you, Knightriss.

-KLAXON

You dare challenge Knightriss?

Well, to be fair, how else is he going to compete?

Jake, you look like a bumblebee.

Ah, a busy little bee going from flower to flower.

Oh, falafel wraps!

Those barrel flowers don't seem very welcoming, do they?

No pollen for you, mate. Buzz off.

Here he is on the slope.

Come on, sugar, give me something to aim at.

Oh, my log!

Ooh, my log!

Ballista asked for something to aim at and Jacob obliged.

He adjusts his goggles.

He's composed himself and off he goes. Gently does it.

And...he's over!

Oh, bongathon!

This course gives with one hand and takes with the other.

How will he deal with the axes?

Easily, that's how. Jacob's back on track.

-BALLISTA:

-Thorne, you made him mad!

-Oh, mamashoog!

-Now Thorne has made him fall in.

The bridge takes the sting out of the busy bee,

who's having an up-and-down round.

Just the perilous pole vault to deal with.

With the round he's having, he'll probably clear this in one go.

Ooh, noodly!

Can bumblebees swim?

Despite Ballista bee-stly bee-haviour,

Jacob finishes in 7:18.

Here's our next attacker - Cassidy.

-I'm ready to rumble!

-I like the sound of that, Cassidy!

KLAXON Off you rumble!

Oh, lolliplop!

Oh, Cassidy, please don't do that again.

Double lolliplop!

She did do it again and the barrels aren't having any of it.

They're not ready to rumble with Cassidy.

Here she is at the slope.

Oh, stumbleflap. Still at the slope.

-Hello, Cassidy.

-Hi there.

-How are you doing?

-Don't answer! It's a trap!

Knightriss, you're like the brother I never had.

Cassidy is almost across the mace.

Now she's definitely in the splat water.

She managed to avoid the paintballs

but not the good old splat in the water.

Cassidy now at the perilous pole vault

but she's looking a bit tired, bless her.

So she grabs the pole... and down she goes.

-Yes, Cassidy runs out of juice.

-Gets that sinking feeling.

Which perks nasty Thorne up.

But she's recharged her batteries somehow

and celebrates her time of 7:14.

Up next is Spencer.

I'm the main event at the gun show!

The main event, eh, Spencer? This should be good.

Oh, cranky boo-boo!

And the main event is put on hold after the first barrel.

-So do we just go home now?

-No, we move on to our next attacker, Greg.

I like to hurt people!

Argh!

-This is awkward.

-Yes, Greg's very scared, isn't he?

I mean you jumping into my arms. Oof!

Back to scary Greg. Will he be the first to clear the barrels?

No, he won't.

-Maybe he got a taste of his own medicine.

-Scary barrel!

Will he be mates with the mace?

Now he makes his move.

And gets splatted! But he stays on and crushes the mace!

Down the incline now. But he's down!

He gets an extra twitchynit - and he's in the smuffy.

Let's review that.

He's on the incline thinking, "I'm OK. I'm scary Greg."

Then it hits him, and smuffy!

It's back to the main event - Spencer!

Here he is at the pole vault... Blowfish!

But he crosses the line with a healthy time of 3:42,

marginally behind Greg's even healthier 3:34.

Here's attacker number five - Meagan!

Chickens are cool!

Hi, Meagan!

Ooh! Quite a greeting from Ballista!

Will she chicken out on the mace?

-No more fowl gags.

-Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep.

-She's over the mace.

-Chingford!

Chingford! Chingford! Chingford!

Chingford!

At the bridge now. Time for Thorne!

It's time for you to cool off!

Thorne, don't let her get away!

Whoa, silly!

What was all that worry about?

3:31 for Meagan. These times just keep getting faster.

I'm gonna win this country style!

Yee-ha!

Yee-ha!

Paige now getting splatted country style!

So how will she do on the mace?

It's a good start.

-Yee-ha!

-Paige started well,

but once again Ballista managed to put her off with a paintball.

Yee-ha!

-Is that all you're going to say for this round?

-Yee-ha!

Paige making great progress across the bridge despite Thorne.

She's now just got the pole vault to go.

Yeeeeee-ha!

Thorne is furious.

Paige makes it over in 4:34.

That is one humdinger of a country-style round, partner.

Yee-ha!

-That's a great way to end the first half.

-Yee...

-Shut up!

Here's the leaderboard.

Meagan leads with 3 minutes 31,

but Jacob has the time to beat of 7 minutes 18.

But no one's safe yet as there are six more attackers still to come.

They will do their best to thwack, splat, trip and tap their way

-into the next round.

-Yee-ha!

So, here's what's coming up.

The remaining attackers are about to attempt the "moat challenge".

The six fastest will then move on to the "stockade",

which requires speed and ever so much more.

-Hot splat?

-Why not?

Only four attackers will survive the stockade,

but they will have the opportunity - no, the honour -

to compete for the hallowed crown of Splatalot in our grand finale.

No, you're fine, thanks.

So, our six fastest attackers just have to sit it out

to see if their times will be good enough.

Here's a reminder of what they got up to in the first half.

HE SPITS

What was all that worry about?

These are the times the next six have to beat to go through.

That's not all they have to beat.

The defenders are ready, but is Samantha?

I'm here to bring you down!

I think, Samantha, you'll find it's the exact opposite.

Waffle! Yes, this course is here to bring YOU down, Sammy.

-She's up the slope.

-It's a lovely day for it.

-Dover! What, a lovely day for that?

-No, not that particularly.

Come on, Samantha. Show us what you got.

That's it, Sam. You show them what you...

-What has she got?

-She's got...to move, for a start.

Here's Paige.

I'm simply the best!

Three thwaps! That's simply the best splat we've had in a while.

Here, if this Paige is simply the best,

what does that make our previous Paige?

She was country style! Yee-ha!

Don't be twonky.

Hey, look at that mace turn. So now it's a Paige-turner.

And I'M the twonky one?

-Paige turns to the incline.

-Unbelievabubble.

She's up. Let's see if she can do it.

Oh, no, she slips!

And stinky fever!

Once she lands, she tries to hang on, but it's a steep slope.

That leads to a dicky mucksplush.

Paige begins a new chapter

as she confronts the beastly battle-axes.

-What's this?

-It appears that the slide down the incline

claimed part of Paige's wetsuit.

-She's put it behind her now.

-Cheeky.

And has made it over the axes.

With Thorne slow her down? The short answer is...yes.

-What's the long answer?

-The long answer is...

she's also out of time so won't be going through.

I'm gonna take you down!

-Let's take Darrin down to the slippery slope.

-Hi there!

-KNIGHTRISS:

-Hi, Darrin.

That's nice.

Ooh, Accrington! That isn't!

Listen to that sound. It's like a drum solo - but he's the drums.

-He cymbal-crashes over the mace.

-Like that.

Ballista needs to reload quickly to catch dashing Darrin.

-Thorne, he's on his way to you!

-Ooh, splatzooka-slapper.

Looks like you two are leaving me to do all the work.

Thorne's getting prickly now.

Stilton-sniffer! Darrin is down! Maybe it's not his Darrin day!

-He's back up - he's back down!

-How'd you like that?

For some reason Darrin decides not to dignify Thorne with an answer.

Just the pole vault to go now.

And...

-Oh, no!

-You'll have to do better than that.

Will Darrin rise to the challenge?

-Floppydrop!

-No, just the opposite.

Now a gentle reminder of Darrin's battle cry.

I'm gonna take you down!

No, I think you'll find Thorne has taken YOU down.

-Yeah!

-Thorne is the greatest!

WE are the greatest!

-Thorne.

-Now, now. Play nicely.

That's exactly what Darrin's done. He's finished in 2:34. Beat that.

Oh, dear. Some still here.

Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five...

-And she's... she's...

-...three, two, one...

go!

-No?

-She's still there.

Let's see what Wyatt can do.

My name is Wyatt and I walk on water!

-KLAXON

-OK, Wyatt, walk on this.

What's this? Water's really confused him.

-What's he up to?

-Come on. What's the worst that could happen?

Barrel-banger!

-Whoo-hoo!

-Hi!

Oh, you want to take it!

You want it?

John O'Groats!

When you said you could take it, what was "it"

and where were you taking it exactly?

Well, he's probably tired of you.

Wyatt, try as he migh-att, can't hold on any longer.

He's also run out of time,

so he won't be going through.

Sorry, Wyatt.

Here's our next attacker - Daniel.

I'm gonna eat your kids!

Aaargh!

These battle cries are getting ridiculous!

Ooh! Suddenly I'm no longer scared.

Nice try, Dan, but the clock stops for no one.

Come on, smile for me, Daniel!

Ooh, flittick!

I doubt he'll be swanning off to that.

-A perfect ten, Ballista.

-I'm just too good at what I do.

Yes, Ballista, but Dan is over the mace.

He's got a new friend. A paintball has come along for the ride.

Here he is at the incline.

He slips, slides and hooperdoops.

We've seen a lot of that today.

No!

You don't need one. With a time of 3:17, you're through, Dan.

Guess what. Back to mace watch.

Samantha has watched the mace turn for almost ten minutes.

She won't be through to stockade watch as she's out of time.

I'm gonna beat you all!

To be fair, Tracy, it is the only way to get the crown.

Pork yogurt!

I'm gonna beat you all!

Beat you all! Beat you all!

Beat...you...all!

Tracy there, being forced to eat her own words.

She's making her way up the slope and is now onto the rolling mace.

That's it, one step at a t.... Top trumper.

And Ballista splats Tracy off the big bad rolling macey.

But the biggest obstacle on this course isn't the mace: it's time.

-Something Tracy just ran out of.

-I'm gonna beat you all!

So, that's it! The moat challenge is complete.

They've all done their best but, for some, it won't be good enough.

We started with 12.

Time to reveal the six who are still in the competition.

-Simply the best?

-No.

Country style!

Yeeeeeeeeee-...

ha!

There'll be country-style splatting and shenanigans in the stockade.

Yee-ha! Splataroo!

So, 12 become six. And what a six they are!

-Yes. Scary Greg made it through.

-Argh!

-Get down, you big baby!

-Sorry.

-But scary Dan also qualified.

-Argh!

Get down. You're scared, too.

They may be scary, but that won't stop the other attackers

from putting up a fight.

A strong line-up in the last round.

Only two minutes separated dashing Darrin from country-style Paige.

-Yee...

-So here's a reminder

of the attackers who are through to round two, including scary Greg.

-And scary Dan!

-Argh!

They are dashing Darrin...

-Scary Dan.

-What?

-Nothing!

-Meagan, our chicken fancier.

-Then scary Greg.

-What?

-Nothing!

-Spencer, the main event.

-And country-style Paige.

No, I'm all yee-ha'd out.

Now everybody starts from scratch. It's still anybody's game.

But after a spin in the stockade, two more attackers will go home.

They begin attached to the wheel of certain doom.

After a spin, they collect rungs

which slot into ladders they need to escape.

But they also need to grab one of only four flags.

Which means two of them won't make it.

On top of all that, they've got three new defenders to deal with.

Welcome to Handsomeville,

population: Gildar.

Skabb!

HE ROARS

Half human, half croc,

I'm all danger.

Ah! Don't they look lovely together!

The attackers are strapped in and ready to go.

Daniel's in the light blue, Spencer's in the navy,

Paige is in the dark blue, Meagan's in the pink,

Darrin's in the green, and Greg is in the orange.

Gildar is in gold, Croc is in green and Skabb is in a mood.

You should all consider yourselves lucky.

It's not every day you get to battle a defender

that is this good-looking.

Oh, puh-lease! Can we just get on with it?

KLAXON

And...they're off!

So is Gildar.

Daniel making a good start with his first rung.

-Things start to get foamy.

-Waffledom!

Meagan had a rung until Spencer ran into her.

-Daaargh!

-Uh-oh. Someone's woken Skabb up.

Ooh!

I think that's a first.

Skabb actually splats himself by running into the stockade!

-The attackers now struggling with the annihilating arm.

-Jammy!

I've got you!

A splat on the back for Greg.

Paige discovering that not all the rungs fit.

This round is full of little irritations like that.

Scaramouche! Would Spencer call that a little irritation?

With splats like that, maybe he really is the main event.

Croc, it's very difficult to look this good in the rain.

Gildar obviously thinks HE'S the main event.

Back to the actual main event. Darrin's in trouble.

Daniel and Greg have three rungs each.

Skabb is like a storm! Crazy!

Daaargh!

It's hard to argue with that. To be honest, I wouldn't want to.

Wiggy!

For the last time, Dan, we don't do time outs.

Spencer making progress.

I don't know if the defenders or other attackers have noticed

but he's about to complete his ladder.

Skabb has noticed.

Yes, Skabb slimes him like a crazy storm,

but I don't think Spencer will mind.

Now Croc has spotted something.

Oh, pig wham bom toddle thwap!

-Priceless!

-I love this show!

Oh. So does Crocness.

After that last quadruple splat, Meagan has learnt to duck.

Here's Spencer at high speed. He's after the first flag.

It's a struggle, but eventually he gets one

and he's off to his ladder.

So our main event man

looks like he'll be the first one through to the grand finale.

Yes, he's at the top and waves his flag, kind of.

That sends Gildar into a foamy lather.

Three places in the final remain. Who will make the next move?

Croc, on the count of five...

Croc and Skabb doubling up to give Meagan a double dose of slime,

but she's finished her ladder and will be after a flag.

If the double sliming hasn't given her double vision.

Darrin's finished his ladder. This round is hotting up.

Meagan's lost her bearings.

It's the big wheel in the middle, Meagan!

Darrin's overtaken her! He's at the top, going for a flag.

He's got it! Down the wheel he goes, into the stinking bog.

Nothing can stop him now.

Meagan, this is not the time for goggle-polishing!

Darrin is climbing his ladder. He is moments away from the final.

Nothing Gildar can do now.

And yes, Darrin delivers!

But what is Meagan up to? She needs to grab a flag.

Greg and Daniel are catching up.

Meagan just looks on and watches Greg get another rung.

Looks like Croc has spotted him, and so has Gildar.

But has anybody spotted scary Dan? He's got the third flag.

He's heading down the wheel

and heading up his ladder with next to no resistance.

Maybe he scared the defenders off.

He's made it through, so there's only one flag left.

Crocness is helping Meagan clean her goggles pretty thoroughly.

It's worked. Meagan is back in the game.

After all that goggle nonsense, she finally has the last flag. Bedford!

-What did you just say, young man?

-Bedford!

-Bedford! Bedford! Bedford!

-Thanks. Just checking.

But, despite all those Bedfords, she's through

and the round is complete.

So we say "farewell" to scary Greg

-and "so long" to country-style Paige.

-Yee-ha.

-Which leaves us with our finalists.

-Yee-ha!

You're so fickle. Here are the finalists.

They'll battle it out in the final.

Where one of them will get the chance to rule the kingdom.

-Talking of rules...

-Time out.

...I'm not telling him again.

So, old boy, do you have any splat stats to help us predict a winner?

You know we sometimes get a red-hot favourite who wins everything

so it's really easy to make an informed guess?

-Yes.

-Well, we haven't this time.

-Ah.

All I can say is...

Darrin has been pretty consistent.

He won the moat challenge and came second in the stockade.

Spencer only just made it through to the stockade

but then he went on to win it.

-So I think it's anybody's final.

-Great!

So let's remind ourselves who those "anybodys" are.

Obviously they'll compete against each other.

But they'll also have the course to deal with.

-It's a majestic, mazey moat of mayhem.

-Mmm!

-First, the pole drop into the foam.

-Then it's up the teeter-totters.

-Over the barrier and bouncy buoys.

-Up the water wall the crown awaits.

Here's what else awaits - the defenders, all six of them,

determined to get in the attackers' way.

But the attackers will be determined, too.

Darrin is far left, in green, Meagan is pink,

Daniel light blue, Spencer navy. Let's hear from the defenders.

We're crazy, we're back! Guess what, it's splat!

-ALL:

-We're crazy, we're back! Guess what, it's splat!

Well, it's different.

KLAXON And we're off!

Into the squirty dirty.

Skabb and Ballista already slopping out the slime.

Meagan is the first up the teeter.

Spencer is the first to totter.

Always good to get your first totter out of the way,

because it certainly won't be the last.

And this time Dan means it! He retires from the final,

leaving the other three to battle it out.

He's OK, just tired out. So is Darrin, by the look of it.

I'm waiting for you!

The attackers are being seriously slimed. Down goes Spencer again!

Meagan slips and is in the naughty noo-noo.

Darrin is still pinned down. It might be drier in the moat!

Poor Darrin is being slimed from every angle,

but he's still standing.

Compare that with Spencer's approach. Bizotic!

And anything he can do she can do splattier.

Skabb decides slime sticks aren't enough on Darrin

and hoses him down.

Skabb rules! Skabb rules!

Gildar also stepping up now with the splatzooka. Honky twonk!

-Spencer straight off the teeter.

-His splat count is off the scale.

He really is in danger of becoming the main event.

Guess who else is still centre of attention.

Ballista just won't leave Darrin alone.

Oh! And Spencer's off again.

And now so is Darrin.

The main event versus the centre of attention.

Whoa! Not to be outdone, Meagan does a wobbly balancing act

before the water cannon sends her into the moat.

What does that make her? The centre of the main event?

She is at the moment because she is the first to the barrier.

It's time for some steam, if you know what I mean.

-No, I haven't got the foggiest, Thorne.

-Yes!

Spencer's down.

But Meagan makes it over the barrier

and onto a buoy, which triggers the water wall.

Meagan now has a healthy lead. Darrin's still balancing.

Croc senses danger. She tries to slow him down.

But he's made it to the barrier.

Out of the way, Skabby. This one's mine.

While the defenders fight over him, Darrin makes it to the buoys.

Thorne's really carving the issue, and Meagan's still ahead, I think.

COUGHING

-If only we could see something.

-Is Thorne allowed to do this?

Here. Take a look at the rule book.

Where?

Great. Can't see that either.

Wait. I think I can see something.

It looks like Meagan is in the water.

Darrin is hanging on to a buoy. He's still being slimed.

This fog has confused the defenders more than the attackers.

Now we can clearly see that Meagan has made it to the wall.

Darrin's still in pursuit. Meagan's halfway there.

-Darrin refusing to give up, though.

-Meagan's nearly at the top.

-Now Darrin's on the wall.

-But it's too late!

Meagan has made it and she reaches for the crown!

She's done it! Meagan is the new Queen of Splatalot!

Bad luck, Spencer. There's a new main event in town,

and she's call Queen Meagan!

SHE WHOOPS

COUGHING What an incredible final!

But we almost missed it thanks to Thorne.

Don't miss this - it's our Splat of the Day.

One small step for Tracy,

one giant splat for splatkind.

-Back to our new Queen.

-Here's Meagan's journey to the crown.

-Hi, Meagan!

-A friendly enough greeting to start with,

but Meagan was under constant fire in the moat challenge.

She had to contend with splats, slime and, above all, goggle goo

in the stockade.

But, like a true champion, she rose above it all

and led from start to finish when it really mattered

in the grand final.

SHE WHOOPS

-And that, as I say, is splat.

-Take it away, Queen Meagan.

I'm the queen of the castle!

-So until next time... BOTH:

-Splat!

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