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-What a welcome!
It's splat time. Today 12 brave young warriors go head to head
with our dastardly Defenders as they compete
to capture the highly coveted Splatalot crown.
To recap, this is an Attacker, and this is a Defender.
They don't get on, so they'll be competing for the right to rule
this very messy kingdom.
Who will tumble? Who will tilt?
Who will teeter, and above all, who will go...
Hello! I'm Sir Richard of Splatalotshire.
-And I'm Lord Dominic of Splatford.
-And this is Splatalot,
our marvellous modern-day medieval tournament
which has one very simple goal in mind, and that is -
Find a new king or queen for our kingdom,
a new champion to banish evil and unite the people,
-one ruler -
-Yes, yes, all of that worthy stuff.
Plus they get a right splatting around our three courses.
We begin with the Moat Challenge, the time trial.
The six fastest will qualify for round two.
They must escape the Stockade, but only four will go through.
They will enter our final, where one of them will capture
-that all-important crown.
-So, a three-step plan
-to becoming the new ruler.
-More of a three-giant-leaps plan.
In the Moat Challenge, we start with the baffling barrels.
Then it's the slippery slope and the terrifying rolling mace.
Accompanied by the splatzooka with paintballs for ammo.
The impossible incline is next, then the beastly battleaxes.
-They'll chop till you drop.
-Then across the bridge of disaster.
Difficult enough, but you have a water cannon for company.
Lovely! And finally, the perilous pole vault
takes you over the finish line.
-It's about to get a whole lot impossibler.
-Impossibler! Meet the Defenders.
Three of these mucky moo-mahs will take part in round one,
-and they are...
-She'll put you in a tailspin,
-just like our tail-feathered friend.
-The name's Kookaburra.
The Defenders' joker in the pack!
Come on! Show us what you're made of!
Oh! He really is scarier than nose-hair.
-Ooh, good-luck kiss!
-Not too lucky if you're on the receiving end.
There's Skabb next to an orange spike, and here's Justin!
-This is my kingdom!
-I'm "just in" awe of Justin.
"Just in" case you think that's funny, it's not.
-Having barrels of fun here!
-And Kook joins in with his own bad gags.
-It's enough to make you...
-Fall "just in" the moat?
Please stop! Remember, this is Justin's kingdom.
-We should treat him like royalty.
-He's about to get a royal splatting.
I think there's a lucky paintball with his name on it.
-Whose kingdom is this again?
-This is my kingdom!
-I can't hear you.
-Ballista can't hear him.
-Let's try slowing him down.
That didn't help either.
-Bakewell! Right on the throne.
-# Bum, bum-bum-bum-bum, bum-bum #
-Off you go.
Justin clears the mace and heads down the incline.
-Yes. Justine shrugs off Kook,
but the incline shrugs off Justin.
It's getting very shruggable out there.
But Justin isn't just out yet. He strolls over the battleaxes.
-I don't think Skabb likes strolling.
And Justin appears to be wedged! Is he OK?
-Yes, he's getting up.
But Skabb really isn't helping with that water cannon.
-Not very sporting, is he?
-He really is barbaric.
But again Justin shrugs it off and goes for his vault.
Ooh, not the softest of landings, but he's over.
And Justin's time is a healthy 3:59. Not too shabby or shruggy.
Well, Cameron entering into the spirit of Splatalot
with a spirited battle cry.
And a spirited sprint over the barrels.
Well, it was all going so well until he got to the last battle,
then it soon became splatty moaty.
Maybe things will calm down a bit
as Cameron takes his time on the battleaxes.
Yes, he's breathing quietly and concentrating on his next...
So, grunty Cameron makes it to the pole vault.
-Uh-oh, we've got a grunt-off!
Skabb has finally found someone he can talk to.
And Cameron finishes with a great time of 2:23.
Right. While they have a nice chat, here's Attacker number three.
Orange pop is my power!
Well, no orange pop here, Patricia - just plenty of splat-watter.
Here she is on the slope.
-Am I scary, Trish? Be honest.
Blow me down! The Defenders have just blown Patricia off the mace.
Well, I always suspected they were full of hot air.
-But this is splaticulous.
-From orange pop to windy-pops
-Here's poppy Patty at the incline.
-Down she goes.
-Oh, shrunken follicles!
-Well, that didn't go to plan, did it?
-You're assuming, of course,
-that poppy Patty had a plan.
-Poppy Patty goes plop-plop.
-Sounds like something Skabb would say.
-I won't be able to say it again.
-Good. I don't want you to.
-We'll come back to Patricia. Here's Nicole.
-When in doubt...
-Another fine battle cry there.
Wow, indeed. Nicole is already at the axes,
-and... Spam boo-boo!
-Well, you big her up
-and then she comes down big-time.
-What was that battle cry again?
When in doubt... Well, no finger dancing, but certainly flappy,
and fally, and finally extremely splatty.
Oh, yes, it certainly was. But no matter -
she still finishes in 3:37, and Patricia pops over the line
-Here's our next Attacker, Mackenzie!
This is slightly more painful than childbirth!
The opinions of the Attackers are their own,
so, mums, please don't blame us.
Kook's got Mackenzie in his sights.
-Mac just about up the slope.
-You got to do this real fast, buddy.
-Kook, I suspect, is setting poor Mac up for a fall.
-Yes, Kook and the mace combining there
-to send Mac packing.
-Don't bother packing for a trip to the moat.
Here he is at the incline. Kook still splatting him, though.
Can he make the landing? Scabby carcase!
What a dive! An upside-down Australian palm-lift
with a French Canadian frog-leg splat to finish,
-and the judges will be impressed.
-Canada and Australia loving it,
and the British feeling left out and getting very stroppy indeed.
But it's not about the dive. It's about the fantastic time of 3:06.
Well done, Mackenzie.
Purple elephants exist!
You know, I really believe he believes it.
I believe Sebastian's just crossed the barrels.
Purple kookaburras exist too, and they're so dangerous.
Grimsby! The last thing anybody wants to see is a herd of purple elephants
-at odds with a flock of purple kookaburras.
-Speak for yourself.
Hold still so I can get three in a row, please.
-Don't listen, Seb. Mansfield!
-Seb does hold still,
-and Kook does get his hat trick.
-What's he got to say about that?
Come on. Quickly!
I'd just like to thank my girlfriend,
who's a platypus back home. I'd just like to thank my mum.
She's a kookaburra. I'd like to thank everyone
on behalf of Splatalot. Just, you know, I'm the best shot -
-How are we going to shut him up?
-Oh, thanks, Skabb.
Hey, Sebastian, I'm going to leave you. That's good. Psych!
Poor Sebastian! Purple kookaburras, bad speeches,
and now Skabb. No wonder he's in the moat.
But that's the best response. He matches Mackenzie's time of 3:06.
-Break-dance it, home boy.
-Purple elephants exist!
They do. Look, Seb! Behind you!
Oh, he missed it! You saw it, though. Yeah?
Moving on, here's the leaderboard at the halfway stage.
So, what happens next?
Well, my bog-brush-brained friend,
-I thought we might follow the first half with the second half.
If the second half is anything like the first, we're in for a treat.
Yes! It was one of the fastest first halfs in Splatalot history.
You couldn't boil a runny egg in the time it took the top three
-to get round.
-How about some soldiers?
-Could you still do the toast and cut it up into little soldiers?
-If not, I don't want the egg.
-I'm not offering to make breakfast!
-I'm just telling you what you could do in the time.
-I'll have scrambled egg with tomato ketchup.
Back to reality!
Oh! News just in! There's some kind of disruption on the course.
Yeah! I'm fine, thanks for asking!
Can't leave them alone for five minutes!
-For the win!
-I like that. "For the win!"
-It sounds noble.
-And quite a noble start for the...
Not so noble now. Maybe nobbled.
Here he is at the choppers, and yes, he's saved it and made it.
Thompson! Fall in the water!
-Why would he want to do that?
And Skabb honestly believes he's just made that happen.
Hang on. I would jump in the moat if Skabb told me to.
Yeah, well, you believe in purple elephants.
Thompson has finished in the unbelievably fast time of 2:14,
and now he's bustin' some moves.
Step it up, homie!
Let's see if Monique can step it up.
-Pigs do fly!
-Oh, no. I suppose you're going to believe that, too.
Look, there was a purple elephant, OK?
I'm a kookaburra. How you doing? Little bit scary, isn't it?
HE LAUGHS Splat me down and call me Martha!
-Kook is really messing with Monique.
-Yeah! You love it!
-Yeah, I do!
-Splatalot, baby. That's what's happening.
-Smile for us!
I'm in a kookaburra frenzy here. I'm in a kookaburra frenzy!
-Go, go, go!
-I'm in a frenzy! I'm in a frenzy!
-I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted.
So's Monique. Plus she's way past the qualifying time anyway,
thanks to Kook. Let's meet Michelle.
-All the linemen want...
-SHE CONTINUES, INDISTINCT
Well, that's easy for you to say, Michelle.
-Apparently she's scared of Muppets.
And there's the punch line.
-No, it's not.
That's pretty good.
Oh! She's holding on, she's holding on!
Oh, no! She's in the dub-dubber.
Once the mace has got hold of you, you never escape,
no matter how hard you try. Michelle spent so much time holding on,
-she ran out of time. So bye-bye, Michelle...
-And hello, Samantha!
-Let's do it!
-Looks like Samantha wants to get on with it.
Well, it is against the clock, remember. Pip-pap-poof!
Oh, what's she looking at? She's been distracted by something.
-She can't afford to be distracted!
One second could be the difference between success and failure.
ELEPHANT TRUMPETING What?
I'd get that checked out.
Well, whatever it was, she's fine now.
She's cleared the axes!
-Never a good sign if Skabb's happy,
but Sam's doing well. Oh, she slips! But she's back up,
-and she's over the bridge.
-You're doing very well.
-You're not finished yet!
-Skabb really focussing on Sam now.
And empty bottle! Yes, Skabb, the water cannon and the pole
combine to force Sam back down into the moat.
But it's had very little effect on her time.
1:52 is the fastest so far today.
Here's Attacker number 11, Sarah.
-This one's for you, Granny!
-Ahh, isn't that nice of her?
No, it's not. Every time she gets splatted,
-her gran will be riddled with guilt.
-Maybe she won't get splatted.
Oh, sure. Cos we get loads of rounds where no-one gets splatted.
Ooh, Dover! Oh, and a garquazzle. And Sarah's in the moat.
There, Gran. Are you happy? See what you made your granddaughter do?
Look, that had nothing to do with Gran.
And now Sarah's run out of time, you evil granny.
-I hope you're happy with yourself.
Here's the last of our 12 attackers, Curtis.
-Yi! Yi! Ye! Yi! Yi!
-I like the sound of that.
-And I like the look of this round.
-Curtis already at the axes.
Safely over. Nicely done.
-Yi! Yi! Ye! Yi! Yi!
-Well, he's pretty chirpy.
-And now he's pretty pongy.
-Yes. As that time-honoured saying goes,
-it's the chirp before the pong.
-That makes no sense whatsoever.
This is the worst spot, because Skabb is here!
-Come on. Show us what you got!
Worksop! A long-range back-splat from Kook there.
And down goes Curtis into the dooley.
-Will that ruin his chances?
-No. He's through in a very fast 2:18.
Good on you, mate!
Yes. We've still got two more rounds to go.
But you are through to the Stockade, with...
That was one of the fastest rounds ever.
The average qualifying time was a mere 2:30.
-That is amazing!
-Well, what's more amazing is,
how you know how to work out an average.
-Don't be mean!
-Hey, I'm not mean. But Shaiden is.
Witness the wrath of Shaiden!
Looks like she's planning a few moves in the Stockade.
Foamy and grunty and splatty!
So we just had the Moat Challenge.
We started with 12, and only the six fastest remain.
-Put your hat on.
You've got to feel sorry for Nicole and Justin, though.
In almost any other Splatalot, they would have gone through,
because they were under four minutes, but today our top six were on fire.
In a moment they will be attempting to escape the Stockade,
-but that is far from easy.
-Two of them won't succeed,
but the four that do will have the honour
of competing in the finale for the right to wear the Splatalot crown.
So here's a reminder of the Attackers who made it to round two.
All six begin the round attached to the wheel of certain doom.
When the klaxon sounds, they can head towards the ladder rungs
which slot into the ladders they'll use to escape.
But the Defenders will be pelting them with all sorts.
Then they can grab one of only four flags
before escaping to victory.
Yes, folks, there aren't enough flags to go round,
-so two Attackers won't make it.
-This lot don't want any to make it!
-First up it's...
-Ooh, swirly cape! Then it's tiny tinkling terror...
-And finally - look out, it's our shady maiden...
-Attacker, I've got my eye on you!
-The Attackers are all strapped in and ready to go.
Mackenzie is sporting the yellow helmet. Samantha's in light purple.
Sebastian's also in purple, which won't help things.
Curtis is in green, Thompson in orange,
and Cameron in red, all of them with foam trimming.
-There's the horn, and they're off!
So's Tinkor. He's primed with slime.
Curtis, Samantha and Mackenzie already have rungs.
Knightress there, filling the place with foam.
And Mac receives a whack from the arm.
Samantha is the first to her ladder,
but Curtis and Mackenzie aren't far behind.
-Cameron still hasn't got a run.
-He has got a thwack from the arm.
Now, how to tell purple Sam and purple Seb apart?
It's easy! Purple Seb is the one who gets it wrong,
-and purple Sam gets it right. Simple!
-At least we can tell them apart now.
-Who's this - Sam or Seb?
No idea. Thank you very much.
Back to the wheel! There goes Thompson. No rung, though.
But here's Mackenzie, and that's his second rung.
-He's in the lead.
Attacker! He's getting away, you useless being!
Tinkor's in Knightress's bad books,
but makes up for it with close-range sliming.
Thompson about to be joined by Mackenzie.
But no! Thompson decides they both should meet at the bottom.
Witness the wrath of Shaiden!
I've witnessed it, and it was horrible. Look!
-I've even got photos to prove it.
-I can't see any wrath.
-How about now?
-Oh, yes. Now I see it.
-Back to the course. Here's Curtis.
-And Tinkor. Splat!
Curtis was doing well, but now he has a goggle full of goo-goo!
Shaiden! I think they need a quick bath, my dear.
Well, all Shaiden can offer is a power shower.
But it worked on Thompson. Down he goes,
and Shaiden's got Sam too, who collides with her purple pal Seb.
Ooh, poor Thompson! Now, if we just look at that again,
we'll see it's just as amusing the second time round.
-Cruel but true.
-Uh-oh! Tinkor's on the prowl.
Who's he after? Oh, it's Samantha!
-Well, at least her helmet's not purple any more.
-No, it's yellow,
-just like Mackenzie's. See?
-Oh, here's Curtis.
-No run, just a foamy splat.
-Who will be first to grab a flag?
-Looks like Mackenzie.
-No, it's Samantha in disguise.
Well, there's no disguising the fact that she now has a flag.
She's reached her ladder, and she is the first of today's Attackers
through to the final. Well done, Sam. First again.
Now, this really is Mackenzie in the yellow.
Well, Tink nearly turned him green with a bucket of slime.
I don't know what colour anyone is any more,
but I do know there's three flags remaining.
-Now, did you see who that was?
Ah, yes - grunty Cameron.
Hah! Don't think you can get past me, Attacker.
Knightress is focussing on Mackenzie now.
She can see he's after the second flag.
He's got it! He heads down the wheel and up to the top of the Stockade!
That's the easiest experience I've had!
OK, Mac, no time for speeches now. There's still two places at stake.
-Double Romford! Triple Romford!
-In the replay,
Seb grabs the third flag. Then the arm knocks him into Thompson,
and just when he thinks it's all over...
But he's OK, and begins the final journey up his ladder.
-Come on, son. Nearly there.
-With Seb, we now have three finalists,
which means only one flag remains.
Not for long, though. Thompson grabs it,
and he's on his way...down. Zozzle-biker!
Knightress tries to delay him with some foam, but he's up and over!
Which means it's all over for Curtis and Cameron.
But it's far from over for our finalists,
who look very excited indeed.
And so they should! They're one step closer to capturing the crown.
Indeed. So here are our crown-capturing candidates.
Yes, they'll be up against each other and all six Defenders
-for that crown.
-So it's all bound to get a little bit splatty!
We started with 12, whittled them down to six,
and now we've just got one girl and three boys.
-Yes, Lord Dominic?
Out of Samantha, Mackenzie, Sebastian and Thompson,
-do we have an outright favourite?
-Give me some clues,
-and I'll guess who it is.
-She was the fastest round on the moat,
and she was the first to escape the Stockade.
-No. More clues.
-She's the only girl in the final.
-Whose name is Samantha.
-That's her there. She's the favourite.
The favourite's name is Samantha!
I've got it! Samantha!
Brilliant! How did he do it? But she's not the only finalist.
Joining her will be Mackenzie, Thompson and Sebastian,
and in the final anything could happen, so don't write anybody off.
They won't be the only people out there on the course.
I am using the word "people" in its loosest sense.
-Little clue for you there.
-Oh, yes! I assume you are referring
to our band of baddies, our mangled mass of marauders,
-our troop of tub-thumping terrors -
And in the final, all six of them will be there
to slow the Attackers down.
Here's the course in all its majestic glory.
We start with a pole-drop into the funky foam...
Then it's over the titanic teeter-totters.
-Next it's over the barrier...
-Onto the leaping lily-pads,
and up the water-wall, where the treasured crown of Splatalot awaits.
-Yeah, thank you, Kook. While he goes off on one,
here's the line-up. Thompson's in orange,
Sebastian's in purple, Mackenzie is wearing yellow,
and hot favourite Samantha also in purple.
They're off, and there they go, straight into the funky foam!
Skabb there with a bucket of slime, but he misses Samantha!
Here's Sebastian tripping. Foof-a-diddle!
Kook won't miss that opportunity.
No. He never misses a slip-trip splat if he can help it.
Welcome to the final, Sebastian!
-Oh, I'm having buckets of fun!
So, they've all made it to the teeter-totters.
And at the teeter-totters, it's Tinkor. Ooh, beef jerky!
Seb is the first to teeter, but he's holding on.
He's trying to hold on. He's nearly holding on... Oh, forget it.
-Thompson's next. Smorgasbord!
-Yes, no messing about there.
-Straight in. Nice one, Tommo!
-What about Samantha?
Oi... Oi... Oi... Oh, she holds on.
And unlike Seb, she really does hold on.
-In fact, she's up.
-Is Skabb angry with Samantha,
-or just angry in general?
-Either way, she moves away from him
-and leaps towards the lily-pads.
-She's first over,
and still appears to be the hot favourite.
Mackenzie might have something to say about that. He's up and over.
-The race is on!
-Meanwhile, Ballista has her sights set on Thompson.
Down he goes! And Sebastian decides to keep him company.
-Skabb is a bit like popcorn!
-Why is that, then, Skabb?
-Sometimes I pop!
-And you're always corny.
-Shut up! He might hear you.
-Shaiden looking focussed.
-Thompson still tottering.
-Oh, lamb-pot wibble!
-Back to the front runners.
Mackenzie leaps, and he's now in the lead.
Sebastian also makes it over! This final is hotting up nicely.
And Thompson makes it over. This has never happened before.
All four finalists over the barrier!
-When it rains, it pours, Attackers!
-It's all raining down on Mackenzie
at the moment - slime, water and paintballs.
But it doesn't bother him. He's still leaping.
Can Tommo and Seb catch up with him?
And what about Samantha? Oh, it's a tired leap.
Oh... And Seb's down. That might be it for him.
-Thompson, though, still fighting.
-Mac is now on the platform,
-but the Defenders are doing nothing.
-Mac's thinking, "Who cares?"
-He's only got the water-wall to go.
-It's too late now for the others.
-And that's too little too late.
-But there's Samantha.
-She's also climbing.
-But Mac's already there!
He holds the crown aloft, and he's the new king of Splatalot!
Sebastian, you can stop now.
What a final! They all made it over the barrier,
and then Samantha just lost out to Mackenzie.
Sometimes it's a shame there's only one winner.
The crown isn't the only prize, is it?
Yes, it's Splat of the Day. Remember Nicole in round one?
Her battle cry was, "When in doubt, finger dance."
Well, we prefer, "When in doubt, splat it out."
But there's no doubt who won today's tournament.
Mackenzie, of course!
Our new king learned to roll with the splats in the Moat Challenge.
He took it all on the chin in the Stockade.
And in the final he overcame all barriers...
To capture the crown and become the new ruler of Splatalot.
All hail, King Mac!
-Well, I've been Dick...
-And I've been Dom.
-And this has been Splatalot.
-We'll be all those things again next time,
but for now, here's King Mackenzie's flag-raising ceremony.
This was slightly less painful than childbirth!
-He said it again!
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