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Welcome to Splatalot, where twelve plucky attackers
bravely prepare to have a big scrap
with the dreaded defenders of Castle Splat.
At stake, the Crown of Splatalot.
Will the defenders keep their castle safe from invaders?
Or will the younglings successfully gatecrash the Splatalot party?
Who will tumble? Who will tilt?
who will teeter and who will go...
-And he's Dick. No, I'm Dom!
-That's what I said.
No, I'm Dom. You're Dick.
Oh, honestly, keep your knick-knacks on!
Welcome to Splatalot, the hyper-splatty medieval mother
-of all mess fests.
-Yes, this is how it works.
In round one, all 12 attackers take on the merciless moat.
The quickest six will then try to survive the stockade.
With the fastest four then competing to capture just one crown.
So, as it all starts in the moat, let's take a closer look.
-The attackers start on the baffling barrels.
-More off than on.
The slippery slope and the terrifying rolling maze.
-Then onto the impossible incline
and beastly battle-axes.
The bridge of disaster and the water cannon of wetness.
After that, one perilous pole-vault to finish the course.
And making the attackers' lives even splattier, the defenders.
We've got weapons master Tinkor and his impressive Splatzooka.
Skabb and his mighty club.
-I am Thorne.
Yes, Thorne and his lovely feather boa.
He-he, give it your best!
You'll fail like the rest! Ha-ha!
Absolutely the finest defenders
a fairly limited amount of money can buy.
Remember, the aim is for the attackers to speed round the moat
and for the defenders to slow them down.
At least they haven't got Gildar to deal with.
-Yeah, he's pretty impressive.
Look at him! No, I mean they haven't got to deal with Gildar,
boring them to tears with how great he thinks he is.
He's just a puffed-up, fluffy ball of nonsense!
-I don't think you'd say any of that to his face, would you?
-Yes, I would.
Well, now's your chance, my less handsome little friend,
Please, what was that again?
Oh, yes. Well, Mr Gildar, sir... You see,
a fluffy ball of nonsense where I come from
is the highest compliment...Ah!
Oh, well, all right then.
Enough with the formalities. No need to kneel, stand.
-I am standing.
-I can't hear you down there.
-Let's get back to the course.
The defenders reject traditional methods of castle defence
like boiling oil and arrows
-for splatballs and water cannons.
-Here's our first attacker, Kyle.
I can read your mind!
I've read Kyle's hobbies. Does he hunt turkeys?
Yep, hunts turkeys
Splash barrels, sometimes...
There he is, on the slope.
Have your mind filled with slime!
How will you do that, Tinkor?
Oh, that's how you're going to do that. Ripping!
Kyle makes it to the maze.
Tink takes a shot, Kyle takes it well,
and takes a header into the moat. Thought he'd made it.
-And yet so beef chowdered. On the beastly battle-axes,
-facing up to Scabb on the cannon.
-# Attacker's keep on coming
# Scabb keeps on sliding. #
He makes it! Whodathunk?
Oh, hammer-sack! He gets back up and stays on the bridge.
Scabb really gives his all when it comes to the water cannon.
But Kyle really gives his all when it comes to the...foofadiddle!
Foofadiddle. But despite that, Kyle scores a very respectable 5:39.
I'm better than Chuck Norris. Ha!
-You know, Chuck Norris.
-Like Mrs Norris, but not a cat.
Here goes our high-kicking karate champ.
-Craftier than a couple of cobras,
-mightier than a moustache...
-..but she splatted like a sea-monkey.
-Sea-monkies don't look like...
Shh! She's on the mace.
-Here's a slimeball for ya!
-He can talk!
And he can splat at the same time.
Tressa's into the plunge.
-Tressa's holding her nose.
-Just in case it falls off.
Can Scabb prevent Tressa from finishing?
-Show her who's boss!
-It's not you, Thorne.
-Tressa leaps and...well...
-Other way, other way!
Surprisingly good advice from Scabb, there.
This will encourage you a bit!
He's just like my old PE teacher.
-Tough luck, Scabby-pants!
Tressa's made it to the time of 6:40..
Here's our next attacker, Corey.
I'm going to own this castle!
-When you do, can you fix the boys' bogs?
-They're pretty splatty.
Bug-squish! Hang on, give that back, you.
-I'd like you to say that again.
Corey lying low on the slippery slope. Can he ride high on the maze?
Try this on for size!
-And Corey finds out one size splats all.
Although you have to admit, that is a great shot from the blue-faced boy.
A direct splat and Corey goes down into the lazy Susan.
What's pink, quick and found in moat water?
-I don't know, what's pink, quick and found in moat water?
-I'm going to slime you all!
Wow, Tamara got there fast. Maybe she needs to slo-o-ow do-o-own.
-You wally! It's a time trial.
-Oh, yes. Go, go, go!
She's flailing, flailing...and bailing.
Tamara goes down like a tripped-up toddler.
Tamara and Corey finish the course with respectable times.
-Maha's up next.
I can fly!
-What? That's not fair!
-I think there's a possibility
she may be bluffing. Here she goes.
Oh, fossett pouch!
So, it's a fossett pouch from me and a creepy splat from him.
Here's Maha on the incline and...she makes it!
Into the Doo-wok.
Maha drops and then the axe gives her the chop-a-lot.
Now she's on the bridge. Ooh!
Holding on, despite a nasty drenching.
Hey, I love the colour of your helmet, by the way.
Ooh, Scabb's showering Maha with compliments as well as scum!
It's not, "Woo-hoo!" It's "Rarr!"
-As in, "Wha-a-at's he like?"
-And there she dippy-doos.
We have the answer to the "can Maha really fly?" question.
-It's a no.
And Maha lands a final time of 9:43.
I drink melted cheese!
Is that part of a calorie controlled diet?
-Here's Nathan on the mace.
-And off the mace!
-A depressingly familiar phrase.
-Thorne take aim, fires...Yarmouth!
And the cheese guzzler gets the cat-flap.
-So, you the guy that's here for the crown?
You're here for the crown? You're not the water inspector guy?
Come on, guys, cut the chat! Bomb-weasel!
Despite the chatting, Nathan gets a splatting.
-He finishes with 6:15.
-That's not a victory dance, Nathan Bomb-weasel!
With six attackers down, our leaderboard looks like this.
Gildar leads with a perfect time. He's radical, stupendous, and...
Hang on, what's that Viking slimeball been up to?
-Another one of your charming compliments?
So, will anybody be able to beat, er...
Perfect, Radical or Stupendous in the second half?
I doubt it.
So, Mr Gildar. What do you think of the attackers in the first half?
-Yeah, atta... Ah! Attackers.
You know, brave young warriors who come to do battle,
beat the defenders and claim the Splatalot crown?
-You know, stars of the show?
You're almost amusing.
But I think it's fairly obvious who the real star of the show is.
-I can't put up with this much longer!
-Don't do yourself an injury.
-Can we see my leaderboard again?
-Yes, lovely. Here's the attackers leaderboard.
Tamara is in first place,
Maha is in trouble.
-Right, that's it.
-Easy! Let's see how the next six do.
Ah, Thorne picking out targets. Tinkor picking out boogers.
Oh, that's disgusting!
-And here's Scabb, picking his moment...
-To look a bit constipated.
-I'm a sumo wrestler in Japan! Ha!
Sumo wrestler, my big toe! I suspect Hazel's fibbing.
Although she is wrestling with those barrels.
-Here she comes!
-Here we go!
-Hazel's well-spoken for an invader.
Mate, that's all you've said so far this round.
Well, she keeps pus-ruddering. What can I do?
-Hazel there, crossing the axes on her booty.
Mm, an unusual approach but the usual result. Care to add anything, Dom?
Onto the rope bridge of disaster and she's going well despite a drenching.
Ooh, what's this wobbling?
-Oh, shut up! With a time of 12:56,
Hazel splats out of the competition.
I can fly!
-Yeah, mate. We've heard that one before.
Flying into the moat won't convince us...
Not even if you add some bird sound effects.
Jacob heading towards the terrifying rolling mace
and heading into the Kootchanoo!
Well, it was an A for effort.
Jacob tried to hold on, but like everyone else,
-the mace beats him.
-The whole course beats him.
Jacob calls it a day and does not finish.
-Now, what's keen, green and sinks like a submarine?
-Oh, not again!
-I don't know. What?
-I'm six feet tall!
-No, you're not.
She is halfway round, though.
They're axes, not ponies. Come on.
Ignore the nasty barbarian, Colleen. Just take your time.
You can get your splat exactly right.
I'm sorry to say, with that time, bye-bye!
What's her claim to fame going to be?
I can breathe fire!
-Scabb's taking no chances, though.
Come on, Scabb! Shower time!
-Speaking of showers, I think you need one!
-Tink's never had a shower!
No point starting now.
Run, jump, dive!
Andrea, choosing a fourth option.
Fascinating, but doomed!
-Right, thank you, Tink.
Andrea tries again from a different angle.
Most people go up and over.
-Andrea's going round and down.
-An interesting technique.
Like she's exercising.
A one, and a three, and a four, and a...splat!
And with that time, Andrea is out. Maha's time is proving hard to beat.
I can bench-press this castle! Waah!
Yes, John. Whatever that means.
John makes his way up onto the rolling mace.
Mm, look at that focus! And he's off and...and...
Excellent work on the mace. The first to cross today...
Ooh, splat! And splat again!
He slipped down, then smacked down, then splatted down.
I'm down with that!
John putting in a strong performance on the beastly battle-axes.
-Don't joke. He's doing his best out there, OK?
Yes, doing his best splat!
-Now, now, Dick.
And John's over the finish line. With 5:19, he's through
and knocks out Maha.
Here's our final attacker, Carly.
I hate warm cheese!
Finally! An attacker who speaks the truth!
-Look at Carly go, she's on the bridge!
Encouragement from Scabb, how nice!
Oh, a rainbow. Was that because of Scabb?
Do you want me to stop? I'll stop for you.
-No, never trust an evil barbarian!
Carly leaps - smacko!
Ooh, that's got to hurt.
Do you think she got shoved by Scabb's evil rainbow of doom?
That thought hadn't crossed my mind.
And Carly's through with 4:22, knocking out Corey.
That's the moat challenge. Let's look at our advancing six attackers.
John, Carly, Nathan, Tressa, Kyle
and Tamara have all made it through.
-And now here's the other leaderboard.
-Go with it.
Yes, Dick and Dom stay on for
the rest of the show, Gildar doesn't.
-What do you mean, doesn't finish?
-Well, Mr Gildar, sir.
I know this may come as a shock, but you've actually got a split end.
What? Ah! Oh!
Someone's getting fired!
-Yes, I have my moments. Let's take a peak at the next round.
Double the splats, double the slime, double the goo
and no moat water to wash it all away. It can only be the stockade.
Ah, the stockade! Splattier than the grand final
of the World Zit Squeezing Championships.
Slimier than shoving your hand up an elephant's trunk.
And elephant with a cold.
Soppier and wetter than soppy, wet Dick
after a soppy, wet movie.
Foamier than Dom's mouth when he's really mad
about running out of biscuits.
Gungier than gungey Dick's stupid, gungey face!
More slippery than...than.
-Shall we stop this?
-Yes. I think it's for the best. Speaking of which,
here are six attackers with the best times.
They'll now use their unique talents to try and escape the stockade.
Ah, the stockade. Where the defenders take the high ground
and get to hurl slime, foam and ridiculously poor insults
at the valiant attackers below.
Like you tiny, puny, weeny manbot!
Or you lanky, planky, big-nosed twonk!
To escape the stockade, the attackers must release themselves
from the wheel of certain doom.
Then grab rungs of uneven sizes to build ladders.
All under heavy splattage from above.
They'll have to take one of four flags from the top
of the wheel to the top of the ladders.
All that to earn a spot in the final.
-Although, to be fair, it will be more of a splat in the final.
But we're getting a bit ahead of ourselves.
Back to the stockade, it's time to meet our next three defenders.
The annoying archer with attitude.
-I am Crocness!
-Not sure what she is.
-Ah, but she's a blue ninja.
-You think you're worthy!
-ALL: Let's see what you've got!
Look out, attackers. These defenders mean business.
Crocness, kicking things off by foaming the attackers.
That's Nathan in navy, Tressa in sky-blue and Tamara in coral.
With Carly in magenta, Kyle in olive and orange,
and John in a delicate violet.
Ha! Nathan laughing off the sickening swirl
of the wheel of certain doom there. I wonder if he'll be laughing
after the defenders let loose their slimy onslaught?
They're off! It's a foam fest!
You don't want to mess with the ladies in the castle!
Ooh, Tressa's first to find out why what is.
Because they'll make you all mucky, that's why.
Crocness making the mother of all messes today. Carly climbing up.
Ooh, Kyle gets wiped out!
A mighty splat down
for the plucky turkey hunter.
-Tamara's got a rung,
but she can't hang on.
Yes, the annihilating arm annihilated her arm.
There's a lot of annihilating going on today.
John and Tressa, also getting annihilated,
but John getting a rung.
Ballista, blasting bonces like she's bonkers.
-That's enough to make you blink.
-Down goes Kyle!
-Hang on, ninja lady. You missed!
Yes, no gleeful celebrations until you splat someone.
Hey, attackers! Get this!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Well, they look gripped. Tell us, then! Come on!
To get a splat! Ha-ha!
The chicken and the...? Oh!
-You know, she really ought to leave the jokes to us.
But why did the chicken cross the road?
Back to the course!
-I don't get it.
-No, I mean back to the course.
Look! John's got another rung.
Shaiden sticking to cruelly sliming the attackers
instead of trying to amuse them.
John's got his last rung in place.
-And Kyle's got a load of foam on his face.
-John's grabbing the first flag.
Victory will soon be his!
He's climbing the ladder.
-And he's through to the final!
Kyle's rolling down the wheel, but look out! Here comes Tamara.
Three flags left, Carly's one rung from the top.
And a very foamy Nathan isn't too far behind.
Shaiden decides it's time for some slime.
Say hello to my water cannon!
Do we have to? I barely say hello to Dick.
Charming(!) Tamara taking another hit there from the annihilating arm.
And now foamy Nathan is reaching for the top.
Yes, he's got the second flag!
Ooh, he's sliding down for a last foamy wallow. Oh, how nice!
Shaiden steps in for a face blast.
-Oh, she's gooing great guns! Get it? Because she's on the goo gun?
The ninja can't stop Nathan. He's through to the final.
Meanwhile, Tressa's at the top, going for a flag.
And she snags it!
Shaiden goos Tressa,
but it's goo little, goo late.
Tressa makes the battlements and the final.
-And she celebrates in style!
One flag left! Who wants it the most?
I'd have thought our fastest attacker Carly
-would've liked to get it.
-Hence the strolling?
That was an absolute mega-splat.
That has to be splat of the day.
-But Kyle's not put off.
-Maybe he should be. Squamingo!
Tamara's going for the flag, climbing the ladder
and Tamara is the final finalist!
And just like splat, it's all over!
-And cheese-hating Carly
and turkey-hunting Kyle are tamed.
So after a splat-filled stockade, our four finalists are...
All determined to lay their hands on the crown.
Or get severely splatted trying.
What a fantastic round!
Yes, the attackers have out-splatted themselves today.
Speaking of which, Dom, I will give you a lovely prize
if you can remember the battle cries of our four finalists.
-Whilst wrestling this bloke in a bear costume!
Ah! I'm better than Chuck Norris!
-I'm going to slime you all!
-Ooh! I drink melted cheese!
-Ah! I'm going to bench-press this castle!
Stop, you've done it. Thank you Mr Bear, marvellous stuff, goodbye.
That was great, so where's my prize?
There you go. So let's put some faces to those battle cries.
We've got Tamara, Tressa, Nathan and John.
So close to the crown, they can almost taste it.
Let's hope crown tastes better than splat.
Hoping to stop them finding out are the defenders,
deranged, medieval desperadoes
or security guards, depending how you look at them.
I prefer to look at them with my eyes closed.
As it's the final, all six will take part.
And this is what they'll be defending. The final challenge.
They start with a pole drop into the funky foam.
Tackle the teeters whilst avoiding the defender's fire.
Cross the barrier, leap over lily pads
and scale the water wall to claim their crown of Splatalot.
# Ole, ole, ole, ole... #
Oh no, not the singing.
ALL: # Ole, ole, ole... #
That's Tamara in the coral, Tressa in teal,
-Nathan in navy.
-And John in what Dom calls
-a delicate violet.
And they're off! Splat as you mean to go on.
The defenders lay out the welcome splats.
-But the attackers charge forward.
-John first onto
the titanic teeters and Nathan's not far behind.
Ooh, John's gone!
The titanic teeters have claimed their first teeny, tiny victim.
Shaiden's showering the attackers and she takes Tamara down.
Moving onto Tressa.
-Ooh, it's raining attackers out there!
-And water, obviously.
Look, I see you got by the ninja,
but that's not difficult.
-Now you're on with the real defender.
Come on, John! Oh!
Look, Scabb's rainbow of doom is back.
-See, there's another rainbow splat.
-Tamara this time.
John up onto the barrier. Ballista, leave him alone!
Oh, she heard you. She takes out Nathan instead,
leaving John to advance.
Scabb's looking unhinged. He does it so well!
-Adios la splatla!
-That was Spanish, language fans!
Scabb is like a unicorn.
Rare and nice!
That was just gibberish. Right, Tamara?
Oops, you've been splatted, again.
It's not a crime to slime.
Thorne's trying to outdo Scabb.
-What a thing that was.
-Now Thorne with a load of nonsense.
-Anyway, back to Tressa.
-Yep, she's onto the barrier.
The defenders are trying to hold John back.
Tressa's the only attacker who can catch John.
Tressa's got both her feet on the barrier
-and prepares for the leap.
What an amazing feat of lily pad landage that was.
Oh, and after all that, she slides off.
John's jumping. He needs to get both elbows on the platform
for it to count. Can he do it?
-Watch this, Albert.
Her vicious crocodile sidekick is called Albert?
-Nathan's getting...well, wetter.
John's closing in on the crown. Looks like it's all over!
And it is! John claims the crown of Splatalot.
You might want to take the helmet off.
Someone tell Nathan it's all over.
I am the king of Splatalot!
John is triumphant and, as usual, the defenders aren't.
-All hail King John, the... What is it now?
Right, I'll check that later. But now, let's see the Splat Of The Day.
Today's fine offering comes courtesy of Kyle the turkey hunter.
He hunted down the mace, but then flew off it
like a Christmas turkey.
Let's take a look back at King John's journey to the crown.
Inclined towards greatness at the start...
He accelerated into the moat later on.
Second fastest in the first round,
John was first fastest in the second.
He took a while to find his feet in the final.
But his elbows delivered,
and he was soon having a right royal knees-up with the crown in hand.
We'll see King John for the flag raising ceremony
in just a minute, but before we go, there's just time to...
Just time to thank everyone for watching my show.
You know, it's an honour and a privilege
for you to witness my presence here today.
Sadly, I won't be hosting the show next time,
but it's best, I think, to leave you wanting more.
So, I'll leave you in the less than capable hands
of my two little monkey boys.
-Back to King John in the tower!
-I told you guys I could bench-press this castle!
I still don't know what he's talking about.
# I'm the king of the castle... #
Oh, Gildar, let go!
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