Episode 17 Splatalot

-Splat time!

-We raise the Splatalot drawbridge

and welcome a dozen brave warriors

to go head to head with the dastardly defenders

as they compete to capture the highly coveted Splatalot crown.

Can the defenders keep their castle safe from the young invaders,

preserve the kingdom of Splatalot and reign victorious?

All we know is some will tumble, some will tilt, some will teeter

and all will go splatter!

-Hi. I think he's Dick.

-Yes, and I think he's Dom.

This is definitely Splatalot, the game show that gives you not one...

..not two...

..but three...

..yes, three...

..amazing challenges to determine

who will become the next ruler of Stthhhhplatalot!

The challenges will test the speed, strength and agility

-of our brave young attackers.

-..who must also face the defenders,

intent on slowing them down at every turn.

"So, what are these challenges?", I hear you ask.

What are these challenges?

I'm glad you asked! In round one, all 12 attackers take on the moat.

The six fastest get the chance to escape the stockade,

but only four will battle it out in the final for the crown.

In the final, one brave warrior will raise that crown aloft and say...

-Barrels.

-..barrels!

-Barrels?

-That's how round one starts, with the baffling barrels.

Then it's up the slope, across the mace, down the incline.

The battle-axes are next, followed by the rope bridge of disaster,

and finally the perilous pole vault takes us home.

-Ooh, that is a very tricky course indeed.

-Tricky, Dicky?

No-one said it was going to be easy.

OK, then, let's make it harder.

Yes, here come the bad guys.

The defence of the moat and the kingdom is in their hands.

First up, our mighty, frightful knight Knightriss,

the agile and vile reptile Crocness,

and, attackers, be warned, it's scornful Thorne.

It's time for a splat attack!

Remember, the moat challenge is against the clock,

so the defenders will be trying to slow down every attacker.

Here's the first, Emily.

-Let's get this party started!

-Great idea, Emily.

Oh, hang on.

-Isn't the course the other way?

-Let's start again, shall we? Hm.

-Let's get this party started!

-That's better.

-Emily's into charity.

-And a nice charitable splat to get her started.

-Attacker!

-But it's not going to stay charitable for long.

I hope you're ready for this.

-Scunthorpe!

-Come on, Thorne! Here we go!

Knightriss has no friends! BOOM!

-Yes!

-Knightriss is in the zone.

-And Emily is in the splat water.

Yes, well, nothing charitable about that splat from the defenders,

but I suspect Emily's going to keep on giving.

You should be careful of starting something you might regret!

-Ooh, Bootle!

-Emily slides down the incline. Bog snorkel!

At this rate, Emily will be the most charitable person on the planet!

-Here she is at the battle-axes.

-You can't get past Crocness.

That's as may be, Croc, but Emily has got past the axes, so...

Oh, pudgy muffin.

The poor girl's given everything

to get round this course.

-See?

-Made a healthy donation

to the splat count, that's for sure.

Just the perilous pole vault to go.

Are you ready to give up? Crocness will make you give up!

This could go either way.

-No! Unfair!

-Back the way you came.

I'm sure she'll have another go.

Oh, bunion trumpet!

Laugh all you like, Croc, but Emily has finished.

But 8:30 might be too charitable for the other attackers.

I'm gonna tear this place apart!

-OK, Alexander, let's start with the slippery slope.

-Nope.

-Have another go, Alex.

-Nope.

-Go on, one more.

-Nope.

If anything, I'd say the course is taking Alexander apart.

And on top of that, he hasn't even met the defenders yet.

Hello, attacker! Take that!

-Dundee!

-Load her up, Thorne!

Alex makes a great leap, and, oh, fudge sticks!

Well, Alexander the Great there - great leap, great splat. Game over?

Alexander is OK, but will he be OK on the axes?

Ooh, better than OK. He was splat-tacular.

Yes, this is one for the photo album.

Back flip, flash, bang, wallop, what a picture.

And Alexander finishes in a, well, not so great 10:56.

But it's still early days.

Here comes Jordan.

I'm a beast!

Attacker? How about a kiss for Knightriss?

Eugh!

-Load her up!

-Come on, Jordan, give us a war cry!

Come on, Jordan.

Well, that was a bit weird, a kissy Knightriss and a taunting Thorne.

-Jordan has shrugged both off.

-Let's see your skills.

Yeah, come on, Jordan, show Croc what you...

-What?!

-Cartouche!

Jordan pole-vaults without the pole,

which basically leaves him just vaulting into the moat.

But despite all that, he finishes with a healthy 5:48.

You got stung!

I'm here to win!

Well, it is winner takes all, so that's a good strategy.

Kaylee likes horseback riding, but can she tame these wild axes?

Oh, no, they've thrown her. But she's here to win,

so Kaylee gets back in the saddle.

And heads straight back into the grubby liquid.

Kaylee canters home in 8:48, which might not cut it.

Here's our next attacker, Campbell,

looking to make a splash.

-And he has.

-Let's blow this pop stand!

Now, remember, this is against the clock.

Don't let Knightriss slow you down.

Hello, there! How about a perfect ten from Knightriss?

Pangbourne! Good job he had a helmet. Now he'd better get his skates on!

That's right, load her up. Knightriss is good at her game!

He's nearly over the maze, but he's struggling.

Well, as Gary Barlow might say...

Take that!

So near and yet so splat.

Campbell reaches for the rope,

but gets a splat on the back for his troubles.

-Maybe I should have a go?

-SHE LAUGHS

I don't think so. Load up!

-That was awkward.

-Like Campbell's victory dance,

but he won't mind - he's second fastest so far.

INAUDIBLE

-BEEP!

-..things will be. What was all that?

You were on mute. What? Apparently, they're still on mute in the moat.

Doesn't the moat have its own remote?

-I haven't the remotest idea.

-OK, then we'll have to improvise.

-I'll do the defenders.

-Right. Oh, but that means...

SCOTTISH ACCENT: I'm gonna splat!

Is this the way to the crown?

Oi, don't ask me, I'm just here to point angrily at you.

OK, so I'll just jump on these barrels. Oh!

-Marvellous!

-Yeah, your Thorne's spot-on!

-Wait till you hear this.

I am Knightriss. Fear me, as I stuff my splat-zooka.

-I am on fire.

-Stop it, Knightriss, or I'll fall into the moat.

Look, I'm falling! Ohhh!

But I'll soon bounce back, cos I'm a bonnie lass!

Huh! I'm Knightriss! Apples and pears, leave it aht!

-Fire!

-Will you just stop it, Knightriss? It's having a...

-Too right!

-Don't you start!

It's time to put another attacker on the barbie.

First, let's go surfin'!

Och, I've just about had it with youse lot.

I'm going to wash me armpits.

Ach, that's great.

NORMAL VOICE: Hannah makes an impression with 6:03.

Hannah, we're sorry about that. Have they found the remote yet?

So our leader is Jordan, with 5:48.

And Alexander's 10:56 puts him in the danger zone.

But no-one is safe yet, because we've got another six attackers,

all with their own voices, thank goodness.

It was me all along!

They know how fast they need to be,

but does that make it easier, harder or just plain splattier?

Easier? Harder? Or splattier? That is the question.

-Or is that three questions?

-Well, yes. No.

-I don't know, what's the answer?

-Well, we're on a bit of a knife edge,

as I shall now demonstrate, using this imaginary seesaw.

-What?

-Hey! Ooh...

Bear with me. Now, I represent the six attackers who have just finished.

-Now, you get on.

-What?

-Come on.

-Ooh!

-Careful!

-OK. There we go.

Ah! Lovely. Right. You are the six attackers who are about to have a go.

At this stage, I don't know if I've done enough to get through,

and you don't cos you haven't been round yet.

So it all hangs in the BALANCE, you see?

So, what happens if, I don't know, all your six make it through?

Then I'm off to the next round.

-And you end up down there. Ha!

-Right.

Here's a reminder of those all-important times to beat.

Jordan will be feeling safest, as he has the fastest time, 5:48.

But Alexander's in the danger zone with 10:56.

The defenders return and look ready to defend their moat.

So we'd better get ready, before...

-I'm the best!

-No, no, no, no, no, we're not ready!

What's happening? Look, can we just start again?

-I'm the best!

-Thank you, Sarah, we're ready now.

-But are YOU ready for Knightriss?

-Boom! Don't think you can sneak

past Knightriss today!

-I've never seen her so mean!

-Load her up!

-Neither has Thorne.

Sarah's a cheerleader.

# S-P-A-L-T, splat, splat, splat! #

"S-P-A-L-T"?

That's how we do it in Splatalot.

Or "Spaltalot", as Dom spells it.

Here's another tough one to spell - DNF.

Yes, sadly for Sarah, the course was too demanding,

and she does not finish.

-Small and feisty!

-Dom, he just described you.

-I'll bite your ankles.

Look at this, Matt makes it easily over the barrels.

A-ha there, boy! You dare come challenge Knightriss today!

-Boom!

-Newport!

Yes! And she did it again!

And boom!

Ooh, an armpit splat. That is scary from Knightriss.

-I preferred it when YOU did her voice.

-Matt's going over the mace.

-But, oh, bum-b-bum-bum-bum!

-Oosh!

His moat-free round comes to an end.

Yes, a small and feisty splat from small and feisty Matt.

But that's only his first mistake, so this could be a fast time.

He's over the axes. He's sprinting round!

He's quicker than he looks.

Wow, even Thorne's spotted the danger.

-Matt's now crossed the bridge.

-Can you do this?

Of course he can!

Ooh, blubber!

Oh, I don't think so.

But Croc can't dampen his spirits, cos Matt is over in 3:42,

the fastest time today!

WHOO! Let's hear it for the little guy!

-Hang on, I'm not normally this small.

-Well, you're not.

I'm just having another go on the imaginary seesaw.

You could have told me. Right, here's our next attacker, Benita.

Let's get ready to tumble!

-OK, Benita, I'm ready. Are you ready, Dick?

-Oh, yes.

You dare challenge Knightriss today, attacker?

-Nantwich!

-Load her up, Thorne.

-Boom!

-Nice shot!

-Down she goes.

Look at this accuracy. Benita gets splattered on the upper arm

and, seconds later, she gets splattered again in the same place

-before finding the gravy boat.

-Great loading, Thorne(!)

-Very funny.

-KNIGHTRISS LAUGHS

Eggy...

Meanwhile, back to Benita.

She promised tumbles, and she's tumbled out of the tournament.

On to our next attacker. Here's barrel-rumbling tumbler Connor.

Nerds rule!

No, Connor, it clearly states the attacker who wins the crown rules.

Don't be nerdy.

Connor on the slippery slope, about to face Knightriss.

That's right, load her up. Boom!

Boom!

-Are you ready for more?

-I doubt it.

-Boom!

I can't take much more of this booming woman. Neither can Connor.

-He's down.

-Yes!

-OK, Knightriss, but remember,

he who booms last booms longest. Basil Brush told me that.

And Connor has just boomed himself into the second round.

-Here's our eleventh attacker, Kiara.

-Let's get 'er done!

-Hang on, what's this?

-Oh, Thorne!

Knightriss has finally let Thorne have a go.

Great shot, Thorne. Not as good as mine, though.

Double eggy.

Here's Kiara at the beastly battle axes. Gently... Gently...

Oh, bazzanibblenoo.

Well, she's almost last,

but she's not least when it comes to a splatting.

That was as good a splat as we've seen. You're OK in our books, Kiara.

-I'm OK!

-Yes, you're OK. That's what I just said.

She tackles the axes again.

This time, she makes it onto the second and...and...

Ooh, shuttlecock!

It's like she was looking for a third axe.

But instead, she found a big fat shuttlecock.

Well, Kiara, you're still OK in our books.

-I'm OK!

-You've got guts, kid.

So we know Kiara's OK,

but sadly, her time of 10:42 isn't. She won't be going through.

Here's Rossi, who's already under the watchful eye of Knightriss.

-Fire!

-You can't argue with that. She's been on FIRE all day.

-Fire!

-This is unfair. At least let's hear his battle cry.

-It's go time!

-Well, it's been stop time so far, Rossi.

-Here he is at the pole vault.

-Come on, no-one gets past Crocness!

Or the pole. Everyone's struggled. Look.

Look. Look. Look. Look.

But Rossi can change all that. Forwards...

Then backwards?

-Looks like Crocness is winning.

-But Rossi tries again, and this time...

he makes it!

Croc's not a happy bunny.

But he is. Rossi's over in 6:06, and that's good enough to go through.

-Next time, we'll get you!

-ARGH! Knightriss gives me nightmares.

Where's Mr Rudy?

-Ohhh...

-Well, think about the six attackers

whose dream of capturing the crown is still alive.

-That dream could soon be shattered into a thousand pieces...

-What?

..because the stockade is up next, enough to give anyone nightmares.

-Can't we talk about something nice?

-All right.

Well, you must be happy that small and feisty Matt is in the lead.

Oh, yes! I predict he's going to win.

Plus, nerdy Connor is in second place.

So it just goes to show, you can compete if you're big, small,

brawny or brainy.

Yes, this show treats everyone equally. Equally badly.

-We'll splat anyone.

-Anyone?

You wouldn't splat, erm...

-Oh, no, you're right, we wouldn't splat her.

-Oh, right.

And of course, you'd never splat, er...

Well, that's where you're wrong,

because if small and feisty Matt doesn't win, then Mr Rudy gets it!

-AAGH! No!

-But first, here's a reminder of who's through.

Feisty Matt, nerdy Connor, jumping Jordan, mute-moat Hannah,

vaulting Rossi and mace ace Campbell.

-This is not fair.

-Yes, but maybe Matt WILL win.

We know he's fast, and four attackers will survive the next round,

which we are about to see in more detail.

The attackers begin on the wheel of certain doom.

They head to the rungs and build their ladders.

Some rungs fit, but some don't.

When the ladders are built, they can grab one of only four flags

and then make their escape to the grand final.

Yes, four flags mean four attackers will survive, but three won't.

Don't you mean two?

-I was including Mr Rudy!

-AGH! Yes, but he'll survive if Matt wins.

Here are the stockade defenders.

The painfully vain Viking Gildar, the manic mechanic Tinkor

-and...

-GAAAH!

-Yes, the shouty scaremonger, Skabb.

-You're playing with the big boys.

-Quiet, monkey boy.

The defenders' job is to make life as hard as possible for this lot -

Hannah in pink, Rossi in green,

Connor in blue, Campbell in yellow,

Jordan in light blue

and finally, the feist-meister and Mr Rudy's saviour, Matt, in navy.

-They won't stay in those colours for long.

-It's too late to change now.

No, in a minute, the defenders will only have foam monkeys to aim at.

Foam monkeys? I like it!

-HOOTER

-And they're off!

Here we go!

Campbell and Hannah are off to a good start.

Who's Gildar gooing?

-It's Jordan!

-Hannah is the first to make it to the ladders.

Oh, double whammy-splatty.

First, a back splat, then an arm whack,

which leads to a fall into the foam.

-Hannah now has a second rung. She's flying!

-There's Matt.

Come on, keep it feisty! Oof!

-Skabb rules!

-Ooh, and the arm thwacks Hannah.

-There's a rung for Rossi.

-And there's some slime from Tinkor.

-But Rossi's rung doesn't fit! What's up, Matt?

-Oh, Matt's up.

THAT'S what's up! And now, he's down.

I can't watch. Come on, Matt, do it for Mr Rudy!

-Oh, Aldershot!

-Attackers! You're playing with the big boys now.

Yeah, the big boys!

If Tinkor's a big boy, how big do you have to be?

Now, that's comedy timing. Nice one, Jordan.

-You're supposed to pop the balloons, Gildar!

-I'm sorry!

Yeah, you should be!

And while Skabb and Gildar fight, Hannah finishes her ladder.

-Gildar starts hosing.

-And Matthew starts hurdling! What a leap!

-Ooh, Jordan looks tired.

-And Hannah looks...

Well, she tries to look, but there's too much foam.

Well, I don't know if he meant to, but Gildar just came to her rescue.

-Another brave leap from the mighty mouse, Matthew.

-Here comes Hannah.

-There goes Hannah.

-Well, she's got clean goggles now,

but she didn't see that coming.

It's time someone made a move in this round. It's Skabb!

Hannah responds by making it to the top of the wheel,

and she grabs the first flag!

-Oh, knobbly-wally!

-Who's Tinkor sliming?

-Rossi.

-Well, Rossi, you did ask.

-Campbell is still building his ladder.

Hannah is about to climb! Tinkor gives her a slime stick.

-Oh, no, Matt's brung the wrong rung!

-And Hannah's through to the final.

They're getting away! Don't let them get away!

Don't shout at Skabb! Skabb does the shouting!

Yes, well, Skabb does the shouting, but he also does the splatting.

Rochdale!

Campbell climbs. And Tinkor slimes. Lovely.

-Now what's Skabb up to?

-He's up to no good, by the look of it.

OK, this is hotting up. We have five attackers, but only three flags.

And it looks like Connor's making a move! Yes, he's going for a flag.

He's in an awkward position, but he has the second flag!

Campbell's also after one. But he can't get past the arms!

-Connor approaches his ladder.

-And Campbell gets his flag.

-Connor won't mind, cos he's through!

-Matt WILL mind, though,

especially when he sees Campbell sprinting up his ladder with a flag.

-But he slips!

-Jordan's floundering.

-I'm not going to GIVE you the crown!

-I should hope not.

-There's another round to go yet.

-Campbell is the third through,

which means there's only one place left.

Matt is building his ladder. Rossi's going for the flag.

-And, oh, he slips!

-Matt's finished, so he can go for the flag, too!

Rossi has another go, and...

Yes, he's got the flag!

They're getting away! They're getting away!

And climbing like a majestic foam monkey, Rossi makes it to the final!

THEY CHEER

Ah, so that's what foam monkeys sound like.

-Farewell, small and feisty Matt.

-And so long, Jordan.

But it's time to say hello to today's finalists.

So I think Mr Rudy needs to be introduced to my old friend, Mr Pie.

Wait! But surely the final's more important?

I mean, after all,

we're about to find out who will defeat the defenders...

-Defend the crown!

-..and get to wear that.

You know something? You're right.

-The final is way more important than this.

-Thank you!

Best to get it out of the way now.

No! Oi! Mr Rudy! How could you?!

Now, can we stop worrying about Mr Rudy and get on with the main event?

Through to the final are:

And Rudy! I mean Rossi.

Ballista and Kookaburra have been called up

to ensure the defenders are at full strength for the final.

This is what they'll be defending, the Capture the Crown course.

They start with the pole drop into the foam.

Then over teeters, the barrier and bouncy buoys.

Before climbing the water wall

and capturing that all-important Splatalot crown.

Here's how the attackers line up.

Rossi's in green, Connor's in blue,

Hannah's in pink and Campbell's in yellow.

# Splat 'em to the ground! Defend the crown! #

Apparently, they write their own material.

# Splat 'em to the ground! Defend the crown! #

And they're off, straight down into the funky foam.

Ooh, umbilicallme Betty!

-And what a lovely way for Hannah to start the final.

-Onto the teeters.

Who will fall first? Campbell?

No, he's OK. How about Hannah?

Nearly, but she recovers. Campbell? No, he's still on. So's Connor.

And so is Rossi. This is unheard-of. Will somebody please splat?

-Thank you, Rossi. And thank you, too, Campbell.

-Well, what a relief.

It looked like no-one would teeter. Or totter.

-Time for a shower!

-Oh, I'm missing Gildar and Skabb already!

We've got a comedian! Oh, you're saturated!

Hannah refuses to get drawn into the sideshow, but she overshoots!

-Will that count?

-Both feet need to be on the barrier.

It's controversial, but she's been allowed to continue.

That puts her in the lead.

Campbell's still teetering.

-Hannah's now climbing.

-And Connor's a goner.

Good luck crossing my courtyard!

Well, it won't be yours for much longer, if Hannah wins.

That is looking ever more likely, as she's well ahead of the rest.

-Someone just woke up Thorne!

-Connor's off again.

And yes, there goes Rossi, too. Now, what about Campbell?

-Yes, he makes it a splat-trick.

-Hannah's reaching across.

And Hannah is still hanging on.

She reaches for the wall, and she makes it!

Is it too late for the rest now? Connor sprints.

-And he's over!

-And like Hannah, he is allowed to proceed.

At least they're applying the same rules to everyone.

-Hannah seems to be struggling.

-Rossi tries sprinting.

Wu-tang!

Hannah can't get out!

It's time for slime!

Croc splats Rossi, who's still at the end of his teeter.

-And Thorne joins him with the vaporiser.

-How d'you like that?

Despite all that unwanted attention, Rossi is over!

The final is now anybody's! Well, almost.

Hannah is getting absolutely nowhere.

-Look, Connor's closing in.

-But Knightriss is there to slow him down.

-And Thorne does the same to Rossi.

-Tink joins in, too!

So that crown is still there for the taking.

Hannah has yet another go.

But Connor is now on the platform and takes the lead!

-What will Hannah and Rossi do now?

-Defend the crown! Defend the crown!

-Too late, Kook - Connor is climbing.

-Looks like it's over for Rossi.

-Connor's on the water wall. What is Hannah thinking?

-Too late,

because Connor has made it to the top and has the crown!

-Yeah!

-All hail King Connor, the conqueror of Splatalot!

-Ugh!

-So, to the victor the spoils,

and to the losers some more splats.

-Isn't that right, Your Highness?

-That's right! Nerds rule!

Wow! That will go down as one of the best finals in Splatalot history.

-Oh, you've got to feel for Hannah!

-Don't take anything away from Connor.

-He's a worthy winner, too.

-Now, let's see who's worthy of THIS title.

As always, we had a ton of top splats to choose from.

But there can only be one, and this is it.

Yes, Alexander's attempt to cross the battle-axes.

The second axe gets him, and then he's head over heels into the moat.

One for the family album. Great one, Alexander.

So, from Alexander the Great to our new king, Connor the Conqueror.

-Nerds rule!

-Connor was today's most consistent attacker.

He finished second in the moat challenge.

He kept his record neat by finishing second in the stockade.

-Yeah!

-But then he ruined it all by going one better in the final.

-Yeah!

That's all for now. Till next time...

-BOTH:

-Keep splatting!

THEY CHEER

I'm the king of the castle!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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