Episode 11 Splatalot

-It's splat time, people.

-Yes, welcome to a Splatalot special.

Today, our ten brave young warriors have journeyed from distant lands

to go head-to-head with those despicable defenders

as they compete to capture the much treasured Splatalot crown.

Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!

Oi! Oi! Oi!

Can the defenders keep the castle safe from the attackers?

Or will our well-travelled young warriors find a true champion

to rule the kingdom?

There will be tumbling, a lot of tilting, loads of teetering

and, above all, plenty of splatting.

-Hello, I'm Dick. He's Dom.

-And this is Splatalot

and there's lots of excitement in the kingdom today

because, for the first time, the tournament has gone international.

It's like the Splatalot Olympics. In fact, the events are very similar.

Sprinting, hurdling, gymnastics and diving. We've got them all.

Yeah, but all in a slightly different setting.

Ten attackers must sprint round the moat challenge.

The six fastest will then face many hurdles in Round Two

and the final is like a heptathlon all rolled into one.

So, basically, you have to be Jessica Ennis to win this.

It would certainly help. Here's Round One in more detail.

The attackers spring into action on the splatapult.

Then it's up the slippery slope, across the rolling mace

and down the impossible incline.

The beastly battle-axes follow and lead onto the bridge of disaster.

One final obstacle then remains, the debilitating disc.

Now, here's something the Olympic Games don't have.

Bring on the defenders.

Imagine this lot spraying Usain Bolt with slime.

It would be brilliant.

In Round One, we have the moody Thorne.

The beastly and barbaric Skabb...

-And the hapless and constantly-hungry Vane.

-Is it lunch yet?

All aboard the Vane train!

Chugga chugga. Chugga chugga Choo choo.

Skabb rules.

Well, Skabb and Vane don't seem in the zone yet,

but the course is looking wonderful.

At least they're now all armed and in position.

So let's bring out the first of our international attackers.

I'm doing this for Greece.

Welcome to Splatalot, Effie.

And what a warm welcome it is.

Straight out of the splatapult and into the fisherman's sauce.

-I wonder, is your food greasy? Ha ha.

-Ooh! Chick-a-loo.

Well, Skabb has his own unique way of greeting people.

It's an odd combination of bad jokes and slimy splats.

And that greeting sends Effie back in the moat again.

Here she is on the mace roll.

Bosh-nookie.

It seems like the course is a little greasy today.

I'm sure if we ignore him, he'll soon stop.

-Hey, Effie, I heard you're from Greece.

-Yeah.

-I love Greece.

I love greasy food, I love gyros, I love tzatziki sauce.

Vane's started now. Effie tries to ignore him but she slips.

Well, at least that seemed to shut him up.

At the axes now, Effie's holding her nose as she goes down again.

That was a pre-emptive nose hold. She knew she was going down.

Either that or the moat water is particularly whiffy today.

Trouble is, if she holds her nose,

she's got one less arm to balance with.

Onto the bridge and she's at it again!

She's certainly got a nose for splatting.

Now, this is a Greek tragedy.

Well, if it's a tragedy, Thorne, why are you smirking?

Effie tries to ignore the shower.

Goon-jo! Thorne is splattered by Skabb.

Vane sees the funny side of it, but I can't imagine Faun Thorne will.

In his defence, I'm pretty sure that was a genuine mistake from Skabb.

But will Thorne see it that way?

-You have destroyed my mythology.

-My apology.

-Well, at least Skabb said sorry.

-Like he means it.

Effie makes a leap for the finish platform. But no, she's down again.

A brief nose hold but she's fine this time.

And Effie completes the course in 12.31.

I'm a Turkish delight.

That's as may be, Laura. But will you find the moat challenge a delight?

Sling one leg over the jigger and then get your booga up.

Well, with advice like, I can see only one possible outcome.

You can't follow instructions, can you?

-Do you think Skabb was born annoying?

-Take your time, Lara.

-No, Lara. This is against the clock.

-Oh, she's slipped.

That splat's going to take up even more time.

-So, Skabb, give us your best turkey impression.

-Try this on for size.

I think that was Skabb's Thorne impression.

Lara makes her own impression in the mucky juice.

So, mimicking Thorne and splattering Lara at the same time,

I never had Skabb down as a multitasker. I'm impressed.

And Lara gets through her splatty adventure with a time of 12.47.

Here's our next attacker, Jayden from Australia.

G'day, mate.

Chuck another shrimp on the barbie.

Skabb's Australian too.

-Hey, Jayden, where are you from?

-Australia.

-Oh, really?

I didn't even know.

-Oh, no, I missed(!)

-Skabb!

-Surely Skabb can't get away with such favouritism?

-Don't worry.

-There's no favouritism from the mace roll.

-Swim. Swim. Swim. Go. Go.

Go. I mean... No, attacker! No!

If Skabb's letting up like this, I've got to pick up the slack.

So Jayden doesn't get a free pass from Vane.

-No, he gets a slack-free splat instead.

-That's how you defend.

Thanks, Vane. Try defending like Thorne. A bit more quietly.

Koko-schnick!

-Don't worry, he and his time are fine.

-Aussie, Aussie, Aussie.

Oi. Oi.Oi.

-From splat to shining splat!

-Shining splats, I like it.

Skabb, aim for her stars and stripes.

-But she's in a zebra outfit. Which one do you mean?

-All of them.

-USA.

-Bak-choi! Skabb and Vane take Thorne's advice

and down goes Rebecca.

Yes, hailing from the United Splats of America,

Rebecca is quite a star-spangled splatter. Thorne on the aquilizer.

How will that affect Rebecca?

Shen-ka-pa-lee!

But it's only a minor delay.

Rebecca's over in an impressive 3.45.

-Here's Leanne.

-God save the Queen.

Is she implying she might be queen some day?

You must run, Leanne.

More frustrating advice from the defenders.

-Now, Leanne, please, please show me one of your dance moves.

-Shush.

Shush?! Well, a shush can lead to a splat.

-And one splat often leads to another.

-Oh! You have it easy.

-Leanne's caught in a cross splat.

-These rude English people.

Leanne decides to make a move.

Oh, she splatted herself. No need.

Yes, sometimes there's no need for defenders at all.

The course shows it can deliver the best splats by far.

Hey, floaty old chap, old sir?

It seems your representation isn't doing quite as good a job.

I believe she needs encouragement.

And I believe she needs the defenders to all shush.

Yes, all that talk produces another noisy big splat.

And Leanne's making quite a noise now as she's finished.

But I don't think that time will be good enough.

Five attackers have now completed the course

so we've reached the halfway stage in Round One.

Time to check out the leaderboard.

American attacker Rebecca leads with 3.45,

followed by Australian Jayden, Greek Effie and Turkish Lara.

But with 13.29, Leanne, our British attacker, is lagging behind.

All she can do now is watch and hope that the next five attackers

fail to beat her time.

They, however, know that their destiny is still in their own hands.

IN A SQUEAKY VOICE: So, a couple of talking points there.

First, Effie's nose holding. Is it just me or is the moat water

-extra whiffy today?

-Well, apparently the Kingdom of Visuals put an extra

tonne of rotting veg in the moat. It's a delicacy here

so they thought the international guests would love it.

-But we're no longer standing downwind so it should be fine.

-Good.

That's better. Now, what about Skabb and fellow Australian Jayden?

-IN A SQUEAKY VOICE:

-Well, I think that blatant favouritism

-is absolutely terrible.

-Right. Thank you.

Let's check out the leaderboard.

Rebecca is safe in first place

but three attackers have times over 12 minutes.

So, apart from the cheating, the defenders did a good job

in the first half.

Like Vane's greasy food, I find that hard to swallow.

Here's Dayton.

Everybody else can step aside.

True Canadian coming through.

-So, in case you didn't get that, Dayton is from Canada.

-Whoa! Yes!

What are you saying yes for? I'm the one who got him in the skull.

So both Skabb and Thorne think that splat was theirs.

Thorne's splat ball is the larger of the two and his misses

so it's a Skabb splat.

True Canadian, eh?

-Don't shoot him. That's my buddy right there.

-Do you know him?

-We're beaver bros.

-And just like Skabb earlier,

Vane is sticking up for his fellow countryman.

He's a tough Canadian lumberjack.

Well, if that's the case, dealing with this axe shouldn't be a problem.

Ah, videous!

It's time to hose you off.

Dayton's lost his shoe

and that bridge is a pretty slippy place to be. Oh!

-And he's down into the bilge water.

-I'll be the thorn in your moose.

That's not very nice, eh, Thorne? It's my buddy right here.

Vane's not happy with Thorne, but to be honest, Dayton's too busy

losing his balance to care about what the defenders are saying.

The main thing he cares about is his time which is pretty good.

-True patriot love right here, dude.

-Time for our next attacker, Adrianna.

This castle's going to get Serb-ed.

-Go for it, Adrianna. I believe in you.

-Don't listen to him.

-Ba-ha-mon-day.

-Yeah!

Adrianna needs to shut Vane out now and concentrates on the axes.

Oh, well, she's stuck on the second one. Not for long. She's down.

-Thorne decides to make it extra slippy.

-Oh, and it's worked.

Adrianna slips then slides off

the bridge and into the frothy broth.

-That serves you right for lying down on the job.

-Not funny, Thorne.

And not bad, Adrianna. 7.01 might just be good enough.

I'm going to wax this castle.

-Here's Veronika.

-Hey, Veronika.

How do you say "I love" in Portuguese?

-Veronika's multilingual.

-Te amo.

-Te amo Splatalot. Say it for me.

Oo-zo!

Well, it's hardly surprising she doesn't want to say

-I love Splatalot after that.

-It's carnivale!

No, Vane. I don't think Brazilian carnivals are anything like this.

Wattle-bottle!

Well, the axes have been tough today.

In fact, the whole course is proving tricky and particularly splatty.

I'm sure Veronika would agree.

I waxed it.

Yes, a polished performance and Veronika just might make it through.

Faster than Usain Bolt.

That's quite a claim, Jordan. Here he is at the incline.

Jordan, you're making me crazy, man.

Skabb's jokes are way off target, unlike his aim.

-That one was powerful.

-Thanks for that, Vane.

Jordan down the incline and...

Kakra!

-I don't know what to do, defend or eat.

-I think you do, Vane.

-What do you mean?

-Exactly.

Now, can Jordan cross the axes. Oh, he's fast. And he's over.

Right onto the bridge. Can he hold on?

No.

Well, he might not give Mr Bolt a run for his money,

but with splats like that, he's just as entertaining.

Can Thorne rain on Jordan's parade?

Wizz-eerie.

You've straight up destroyed it. Climbed the wall with his face.

I'm sure Jordan would appreciate that critical assessment

if it weren't coming from a buffoon stuffing his face full of hot dogs.

But he won't mind because with only one more attacker to come,

Jordan's place in Round Two is guaranteed.

Forza Italia!

Passionate battle cry from Joshua there.

But he's showing less passion for the mace and simply slips off

-into the sluice.

-Hey, Joshua. Answer me a question.

Why do all Italians do this?

Not sure if this is the best time to ask, Skabb.

Why you no answer me, Joshua?

-Nice one, Josh.

-He just blew a kiss at me?

-Skabb won't like that.

-I'm going to grease you up, young man.

You're going down, Josh!

It looks like you're going to have to eat your words, Vane.

Joshua has made a fantastic recovery. Well, I think he has.

Yes, he's over the axes!

It's time for some gnocchi.

-No, it's time for Thorne to spout some more nonsense.

-Joshua hangs on.

Come on, tough guy. Oh, yeah.

-Here's some more for you.

-And he can't hang on any longer.

Oh, dear. More inappropriate behaviour from the defenders.

But he has the last laugh with the fastest time of the day.

Blow me a kiss, Joshua.

And that's it. Round One is complete.

So let's go to the international leaderboard.

Our attackers from Australia, America, Jamaica, Serbia, Italy

and Canada have all successfully

made it through to the next round.

Which is Ditch the Dungeons.

Six nations will compete but only four will survive

so this international splat down is really hotting up.

Before we proceed, here are some choice moments from Round One.

Who can forget Skabb saying...

Hey, Thorne, old chap, old sir,

it seems your representation isn't quite doing you a very good job.

Mangled English. Skabb's first language.

Talking of English, how about Thorne?

I'm the thorn in your moose!

-What exactly does that mean?

-I'm sure he has no idea either.

And finally, what did Vane have to say?

HE MUMBLES

..I don't know whether to defend or eat. I'll eat.

Yeah, great impression. I barely understood a word you said. Right.

Let's get back to the attackers who've made it through to Round Two.

-Jayden from Australia.

-Jordan from Jamaica.

-Joshua from Italy.

-Rebecca from America.

-Adrianna from Serbia.

-And Dayton from Canada.

To advance further in the tournament,

-they'll need to Ditch the Dungeons.

-So, let's find out how.

The attackers start way down in the bowels of the dungeon.

They must escape the stock market, cross the splat walk

-and climb the loathsome ladder.

-The first four nations to claim

a flag will make it through to the final.

But with their stash of slimy, grimy weapons,

the offenders will be slowing them down at all times.

So, let's meet the terrible trio whose job it is to keep

those attackers at bay.

First up, it's catty Kookaburra.

Then smiley-faced Faetal.

And finally...

I'm Madeva.

From splat to shining splat.

Hey on, that's Rebecca's battle cry. Get your own catchphrases.

So, the attackers are ready down in the stock market. Dayton's in red.

Adrianna's in pink. Jordan's in yellow. Rebecca's in blue.

Jayden's in blue and orange. And Joshua's in green.

Faetal and Kookaburra start on the flanks and Madeva is at the top

-ready with her first slimeball.

-And they're off!

Joshua is first to the gate

and, after a brief pause to unlock it, he leads the attackers out.

-Joshua!

-Here comes the foam.

Kook aims and it's an early splat for Joshua.

Some al fredo sauce for your pasta, Joshua.

-Remind me never to eat in Faetal's restaurant.

-Come on, now.

-Baz-undy!

-Where is that Canadian one, eh?

-Hey?!

-"Eh" is what Canadians say.

-Is that all you've got?

-That's about it. I can turn it up a notch.

-Easy, Kook.

Look at them uniting as countries. It brings a tear to my eye.

I feel like bowling today.

Madeva tries underarm, but on this occasion,

she only manages to splat Joshua.

Kook now moves on to the multi-shot splatter batter

-and Jordan moves back into the liquid.

-All right!

Faetal's making it slippy down there and Adrianna, Rebecca

and Jayden go for a slide.

Is my Italian coming for me?

Madeva splats Joshua and all he can do is sit back and enjoy the ride.

Jayden decides to keep him company.

Get the Saint Bernard.

Yes, a mountain rescue dog could be just what these attackers need

-on the slope.

-And Adriana sends Jordan back into the broth.

Come on, Aussie.

You've got it, champ. What do you need? What can I help you with?

-Get the other defenders.

-Get the other defenders?

-Good answer.

-The Australian guy said to do it.

-Faetal's not impressed.

But Jayden's quick thinking was very impressive indeed.

Dayton now goes for a slide

-and once again poor Jordan is on the receiving end.

-Uh-oh.

-It's a ball of doom!

-Know what time it is?

-Ball-of-doom time, perhaps?

-Australia, get out of the way.

The ball of doom's coming.

Balls of doom, baby!

Ball of doom!

All right, good job, guys. We won.

Only the battle, Kook, not the war but that was pretty impressive.

Two attackers were already in the moat and the rest soon followed.

Although Joshua did stay on dry land. Here they come again though.

Apart from Jordan, that is.

Dayton slips again.

-It's another long trip back to the moat.

-Now it's Jayden's turn.

The Splat Walk saves him from a soaking.

-Joshua takes a run-up.

-Get the Suburban!

Faetal means Serbian, bless her!

Well, somebody understood her. Adrianna's well and truly got.

More underarm underhandedness from Madeva.

Dayton is sent splatting!

Once again Jordan is in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The attackers panic and balook-a-rol!

Dayton is doom-balled!

-That's how we do.

-To be fair, that's how the ball of doom does it.

You just gave it a push.

Most of the attackers were so busy trying to get out of its path

they ended up in the moat anyway.

Madeva has some real defending to do now.

-And she manages to dislodge Joshua.

-I need to water you down.

-You look terrible.

-Kook decides to shower the attackers

-with insults.

-I'll hold them off.

Kook's playing favourites again but it's backfired

because he's accidentally hosed his Aussie mate into the moat.

Our American Rebecca is on the slide too. And so is Italy's Joshua.

Madeva gives Jordan a cruel push

and he's on a high-speed sprint to the splat walk.

Joshua is back at the top again this time he keeps his footing

and charges past Madeva.

He takes the flag and Italy is the first nation to make it to

the final.

This time it's an insult on the ears from Kook.

Jordan starts his battle launch involving all five attackers.

Australia!

Yes, once again crafty Kookaburra defends a little too well

sending the remaining attackers down the ladder,

including his best buddy Jayden.

Rebecca is now at the top.

Better run, Canada's behind you!

That's as may be, Madeva but you missed America entirely.

-Rebecca is over.

-Who's next?

It's Canada's Dayton, just beating Jordan from Jamaica.

-Round Two is complete.

-I salute you!

And despite Kook's best efforts,

Jayden and has to take the slide of shame.

So too does Adrianna.

Something tells me they are very happy.

And so they should be, Joshua, Dayton

and Rebecca have made it through to the final.

So, we say goodbye to Australia and Serbia.

Leaving us with four very proud nations indeed.

Yes, through to the final are Jamaica, Italy, America

and Canada but only one of these nation's brave attackers

will walk away with the Splatalot crown.

Let's see if we can determine a favourite. Hat.

Jordan has finished fourth both times,

Dayton has finished third both times, Rebecca has finished

second both times and Jordan has finished first both times.

The same positions each time? Amazing. Are you sure?

This splat hat never lies.

So, Joshua is our red-hot favourite. Wait a second!

We have some breaking news. Over to the leaderboard.

Sadly Rebecca from the States has pulled out.

Adrianna will replace her.

Serbia join Jamaica, Canada and Italy in the final.

And the final looks like this.

The Capture the Crown round is worthy of any international

competition.

It starts with a trip to the dire mire and the barrier of all barriers.

Then it's a teeter and totter across the terrifying Ts

which lead to the scary-go-round avoiding the splaken.

Once on board, the attackers face the annihilating arm

followed by the gruesome twosome.

The canons are the next obstacle then down the ramps

to the rock wall.

At the top of the wall, the Splatalot crown awaits.

All six defenders will be on duty to protect the crown

but cheating will not be out of the question either.

Back to our noble and brave attackers.

Dayton from Canada in red, Joshua from Italy in green.

Jordan from Jamaica in yellow, and Serbia's Adrianna in pink.

Madeva and Faetal form the welcoming committee.

Thorne is relaxing with his vaporiser.

Kookaburra and Skabb are on Canon duty

and Vane is up top with the aqualizer.

And they are off!

They head towards the dire mire, Joshua gets there first.

He's over the barrier with ease. He trips in the mire.

Dayton and Adrianna also over.

Dayton is giving Jordan a helping hand.

Josh is attired in mire from head to toe.

Jordan finally struggles free.

-What?! Ignore her.

-On your feet.

You can't ignore that. She's put Josh off.

Come on Suburbawerbia!

-You're in the city now, suburban.

-She's from Serbia!

Will Dayton get the same treatment?

Make sure you stay on your feet now!

Joshua quite rightly ignores her.

Oh, an Olympian effort from Jordan.

It was like the triple jump.

-A hop, a step and a splat.

-Joshua at the arm.

He's on top getting slimed at the same time.

But he can't make it onto the scary-go-round.

He's down into the sploosch!

Adrianna now about to leap.

Joshua is back up.

-He hides under the arm but he's spotted.

-So has Thorne!

It's enough to put Josh off his leap.

Our favourite isn't finding this challenge so easy.

Dayton is at the arm but he's stuck. That makes him an easy target.

Hold on tight!

-Thanks, Madeva.

-Who am I?

-You're a moose.

Who am I?

-Skabb.

-Not funny.

Dayton agrees, he's down.

Would you ladies stop joking around and do some defending?

That's wiped the smile off their faces.

Josh leaps again and this time he makes it.

-That is one splatty meatball!

-Dayton leaps but misses.

-Josh is still in the lead.

-Me and you now, mate. It's me and you.

-Nice, eh, Josh. Finally.

-Suburbia! Nevermind.

The taunting has been relentless today.

More nonsense from Madeva.

More splatting from Jordan.

Joshua is at the canons.

-Hey man, I love you. I love what you do.

-Interesting tactics from Dayton.

But it hasn't worked.

Rule number 248.

When I'm in a bad mood, no one gets past me.

Where's Subu-ur-urbia?

If you mean our Serbian, Faetal,

then Adrianna is making great progress.

Oh, correction, she was making great progress. Jordan avoids the splaken.

-Dayton is now in the lead.

-I believe in you!

-Go, Dayton.

Will the Canadian defenders let Dayton through?

-I'm doing this because I have to. I'm sorry.

-He leaps and noodle fish.

Dayton misses his chance.

He might not get another because Joshua's at the ramps.

Skabb steps up and splats Joshua relentlessly.

He's surrendering! He's surrenders.

-What an incredible leap from Jordan.

-Caught me off guard.

Joshua makes it onto the wall. He hasn't surrendered.

Neither has Dayton. But he falls again.

The defenders go up a few gears, they really want to stop Josh.

It's raining splat balls.

-We're going to be eating pasta every day!

-What's wrong with that?

They prefer rotting vegetables.

It looks like they'll have to change their diet. Joshua is over.

All hail King Joshua!

-Who's the best, baby?

-Brilliant!

Judging by the bemused looks on the other attackers' faces

the whole kingdom might need a crash course in Italian.

Talking of crashes and courses, here's the Splat of the Day.

Try this on for size.

Yes, a double whammy from Skabb, a great impression of Thorne

and a splat that caught Lara off-balance.

She looked OK for a moment but then her legs went for a wander

and the moat beckoned.

King Josh sailed through the first two rounds

and worked hard for that in the final.

My first act as king of Splatalot is to throw

one of you in the moat. I wish I could do it to all of you.

-Sadly, it's you, Skabb.

-No surprises there.

Skabb thoroughly deserves a good splatapulting.

Well, I think today's tournament has been an international success.

Indeed and it concludes with the Splatapult ceremony.

Ciao for now. Take it away, Skabb.

So, splat fans,

until next time, keeps splatting!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd