Episode 13 Splatalot

Welcome to Splatalot!

The magical, mysterious

and extremely messy kingdom that invites ten brave young warriors

to go head-to-head with those deplorable defenders

as they compete to capture the much-treasured Splatalot crown.

Would you like one lump or two with your tea?

Can the defenders keep the castle safe from the attackers

or will our young battlers overcome every obstacle

and find a true champion to rule the kingdom?

Who will tumble? Who will tilt? Who will teeter? And who will go splat?!

Hello, I'm Dick, he's Dom.

And this is Splatalot, a kingdom like no other -

especially when it comes to their monarchy.

It seems every time we turn up,

they're on the look out for a new ruler.

Yeah, they do this by holding a tournament to find out

the truest, bravest and boldest person in the land.

Yes, as we're none of those, we can't enter.

And that tournament is made up of the following three challenges.

All attackers are invited to cross the perilous moat but only the six

fastest are allowed to move on to our second round, Ditch The Dungeon.

Then the four who survive that will have the honour of competing

in our magical moonlit final for the ever-so-shiny Splatalot crown.

You see that? Splat after sunset. Oh, I love a night time final.

You'd better take a nap cos you know what you're like

if you don't get your 16 hours sleep a day.

Yadda-yadda-yadda, yeah-yeah. All right.

Here's Round One in more detail.

The attackers start in the splatter port which hurls them into the moat.

Then it's up the slippery slope and across the terrifying rolling mace.

The impossible incline is next followed by the

ever-so-beastly battle-axes.

A test of balance follows on the bridge of disaster and finally a

vault on the wavering warhead is all that stands between the attackers

-and the finish line.

-It's all against the clock.

Only the sixth fastest will stay in the tournament.

Now any ordinary kingdom would have an elite army of loyal

and brave soldiers to guard its treasured possessions.

True, but this is no ordinary kingdom.

They've got this bunch of ne'er-do-wells guarding the crown.

The trio on duty for Round One are -

the strangely talented Kookaburra.

-I'm Faetal.

-She's crafty and sneaky.

-I'm Vane, bro.

-He's dippy and dozy.

-We are always ready to defend.

-Yeah.

See what I mean?

So the course is ready and the defenders are in place.

Kook's on splatzooka, Faetal's on the slime stick

and Vane's on the aqualizer.

It's a Mario time!

Here's coin-collecting, video game lover, Daniel.

Seems like a really cool guy.

-What's Kook up to?

-Do you like coin-collecting?

Yep.

Dude, me too!

-Careful, Daniel, it's a trap.

-Whoa!

Yes, Kook's trying to get Dan off guard and it's working.

I think the mace roll has to take some of the credit.

-Hi, Daniel.

-Watch out, she's smiling.

Me plus you equals splats.

Oh, what a pocket.

Actually, Faetal, it's the incline

plus Dan equals splats.

Now does he have the winning form on the axes? Diddly-squip!

He's certainly got a winning formula for spectacular splats.

-Now for the tricky bridge.

-Going down already?

No, Vane, he's not. Daniel has somehow saved himself.

-Are you a dancer?

-Is this a contemporary dance right now?

Are we on So You Think You Can Splat?

Dude, you're supposed to be on your feet but I respect sitting.

Well, Daniel manages to shut out all that nonsense and he's over.

-Wow.

-Wow indeed, Vane.

Dan gets the tournament off to a great start with a time of 5.35.

Cue the goo.

Zebra fly!

Yeah, zebra-striped Seana proves she can fly.

Well, for about three seconds. Maybe these will help. No, they don't.

-What's black and white and very damp?

-You don't scare me.

Well, you scare me.

-Whoa!

-Missed me.

-I'm scared of normal zebras, land zebras.

You know Kook's conversations often spiral out of control

just like Seana on the mace.

Bye, Zebra.

-Oh, pasty-grip! Maybe zebras just aren't meant to fly.

-Really?

-Go eat those doughnuts now.

-I will.

-So you can cry.

Well, I don't know what she meant but she said it with meaning.

-Angie-vaccuum!

-Seana, hurts, don't it?

No, not at all.

-Seana, you're looking a little pale.

-I don't wear make-up like some

people cos they're scared of their own complexion.

Have we just changed the rules? It's Splatalot, not chat a lot.

I put a lot of gel in my hair because it's curly.

I have to do that.

-I'm the winner.

-9.42 suggests otherwise, Seana.

You defenders got nothing.

By the way, us defenders have a whole lot of something.

-What have you got?

-I've got this.

Look out, Markus. Blabber-moose!

Huh, that's what I got.

Markus, did you wipe your feet

when you entered the castle today, cos I've been cleaning a lot.

-Wazza-bap!

-Faetal splats Markus into the moat.

His battle cry has backfired. The defenders splat like never before.

But he's back on the axes. Can he keep his balance?

Oh, he stumbles and fat-paws!

Yes, it's splat after splat for Markus.

First to the defenders and then the course itself.

But that's still the fastest time so far.

I'm allergic to peanut butter!

Allergies aside, Jack's ambition is to go skydiving.

I think I can help him out there. Lovely.

Jack, I heard you're an anaphylactic?

-I have a few allergies myself. One being, attackers.

-Really, Kook?

Atchoo!

I mean, you have the green hair. What's up with that?

I'm also allergic to sass.

Let's hope Jack's not allergic to moat water. Nobbly-spindle!

Now, the thing is, I don't mind the attackers

and defenders chatting as long as they both keep splatting.

On the incline now.

Oh, but he's overdone it and he's back in the sluice water.

Don't worry, I packed an emergency chute.

He needs to shoot round this course.

All this splashing will use up valuable time.

Jack, don't worry, this goo is 100% peanut-free.

I can't guarantee that the moat is not free because Kook is here today.

I don't get it. Surely you've heard of Kook-onuts?

-Jack's back in the moat.

-Don't worry, folks, his allergies are fine.

-And so is that time.

-Here's our next attacker, Victoria.

I'm the best from the west.

She loves to play the drums. Over to our graphics guru.

OK, here we go. Am I brilliant or what?

All right, don't bang on about it.

Kookaburra now, just taking his time with the slime.

Victoria has no time to waste, though. On to the incline

but it's got her beaten.

-On the contrary. See what I did there?

-Yeah, very good.

You don't have to drum it in.

Kook will put shampoo in your hair. I'm just trying to give you a rinse.

Vane tries to dampen Victoria's spirits.

She's having none of it, though, and completes the course.

But, like her drums, that time might get beaten.

So, at the halfway stage,

Markus leads with 4.23, followed

by Jack, Daniel, Victoria and Seana, who is in trouble with 9.42.

So six attackers are needed for Round Two

and we've got five more attackers to come, so whoever's

first at the halfway stage is safe and that attacker is...

That's right, Markus.

But for everyone else, it all hangs in the balance.

The first five attackers have done all they can

and the next five know the times to beat.

More dramatic than the drums in EastEastenders!

Doof-doof-doof-doof-doof-doof, duh-duh-duh-duh. Good old EastEnders.

Maybe Victoria could help out on those drums you drew for her?

Yu drew quite a lot of gadgets and gizmos, didn't you?

You did Jack's parachute, Seana's zebra wings.

I think that was actually a mistake.

Yeah, probably right given that zebras can't actually fly.

No, I didn't mean that. They were wasted on her.

All she wanted was to have her own chat show with Vane.

Yeah, I don't think she's going to get a second series cos her

time of 9.42 is the slowest so far and can easily be beaten.

Remember, we're looking for the six fastest attackers for Round Two.

And the four who survive that will compete this

evening in our magnificent, majestic, magical moonlit final.

Talking of which, have you had that nap yet?

I don't want you falling asleep on me.

Yes, I promise, but we're getting ahead of ourselves.

Here's a reminder of the attackers

who have competed so far in Round One.

The defenders are back. Kook seems a little weary.

Faetal's looking quite cheery and Vane's pondering his goatee.

Moose!

Go on, turn Ashley into a flying moose.

-Strawberry or chocolate?

-Not that kind of mousse! See, Kook's got it.

-Eh?

-Eh?

You thought I was a moose but I'm a different animal altogether.

-I'm a kookaburra.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

Ashley shrugs off that splat from Kook,

-but she can't shrug off the water blast.

-Oh, that won't help her time.

This might slow her down, as she falls off the bridge.

Vane's not helping.

But she bravely hangs on and claws her way back on to the platform.

-She's got the strength of an ox.

-I thought she was a moose?

Just the wavering warhead to go now

but the rain from Vane sends Ashley down the drain.

She might be drained after that because she's in first place.

Attackers, assemble!

Here's Cassidy. She wants to be a surgeon. Futon-pusher!

Well, she's certainly splatting with surgical precision.

Kook's got Cassidy in his sights.

-Aargh!

-"Aargh"! Who is that?

-Was that Tarzan?

-Was that me? That was great.

Pistachi-oh dear! Cassidy's blown off course by the water blast.

A screaming split-splat, my favourite.

I can defend while napping. Check it out.

See, Dom, Vane's having a power nap before the final tonight.

Will you stop going on about it?

And I'm back and I'm refreshed. It's called the power nap.

-Ever heard of it? Probably not.

-Go back to sleep, Vane.

And Cassidy finishes in 8.20.

-It's clutch time.

-Here's Turner.

He seems pretty eager to take on this course.

-Breakfast.

-Yellow-hotdog!

Turner turns down Kook's offer of breakfast.

He looks like he's on a pretty busy schedule today.

Oh my gosh, he's fast.

And makes it down the incline.

Somebody stop him!

-He's too old.

-Turner's got the defenders worried.

He's certainly ruffling Kook's feathers.

Yo, dude, Turner, do you spot? I'll help you out any time, bro.

-I don't think you could handle my work outs.

-I think I could.

Well, he's storming the course and back-chatting the defenders

and he's over. 1.37. That must be one of the fastest times ever.

Turner, blow me a kiss.

Turner, blow me a kiss. Yes!

I love poppies!

-Will Princess become queen?

-Hey, there she is. Patience.

-Careful, Princess.

-I can remember your name. It's either Slippery...

-I think it's Prudence.

-It's Princess.

-Princess, there we go.

Nice to meet you. I'm the Kookaburra.

-It's another full-on chat-attack.

-I heard you do impressions.

-What do you do?

-At the moment, she's doing nothing.

I think it's a combination of the mace roll in front of her

-and Kookaburra's incessant nonsense.

-Just look at that view.

Sure we know those spikes aren't real,

but just try telling that to Princess right now.

And, sadly, she decides not to finish.

-Is your name Princess or Patience?

-Give her a break, Kook.

-I'm a TMA Ninja!

-Here's ninja Bryan at the battle axes. Oinky-pate!

I think he just managed to splat everything on his way down there.

Funny, I thought ninjas were silent warriors who never made a scene!

Maybe it's his day off.

Well, proving that this course is safe,

Bryan's back up and at the wavering warhead.

He makes it over in one giant leap.

Now what's his time? 1.49.

Simply unbelievable. Two of the fastest times ever on the same day.

Let's check the leaderboard.

Turner, Bryan, Ashley, Markus, Jack

-and Daniel are through to the next round.

-I can't wait!

-Look, go and have that power nap, will you?

-Five more minutes.

No, not five more. Now.

He's right though. The attackers are on form

so it's going to be one humdinger of a splat-fest.

So, what an incredible first round that was. Two attackers

finishing well under two minutes and a third under three.

Plus we've got the moonlit final to look forward to.

-It really doesn't get any better than this.

-No good.

-I was right.

What's no good?

The thought of trying to have a nap was keeping me awake.

Just relax. Think of something that'll make you fall asleep.

-Like what?

-What about this?

-Brilliant. Good job I didn't show him this one.

-Gah!

What a terrible nightmare. Aargh!

That's great, now I'm never going to get to sleep.

Right, whilst we've got a bit of peace and quiet,

let's remind ourselves who's in Round Two.

We had Jack, Daniel, Turner,

Ashley, Markus and Bryan.

Right, you can wake up now. It's only a power nap.

Aargh! Right, here's Round Two in more detail.

The attackers start down in the dungeon.

They must escape the stock market, cross the splat wall

and climb the loathsome ladder.

Those that make it to the top of the dungeon can claim one of four

flags, the all-important ticket to the final.

But with their vast array of slimy weaponry,

the defenders will be slowing them down at all times.

The defenders were awful in Round One, so need to up their game

-in the dungeon.

-Let's see if these three are any better.

I am Thorne.

He looks focused.

-Skabb!

-He's even more focused.

Anybody else hot?

Oh, I suspect a weak link.

-I'm burning up.

-She doesn't look at all well.

Skabb and Thorne are going to have to defend even harder now.

The attackers are in the stock market.

Here's Daniel in blue and orange,

Turner in green,

Markus in blue, Ashley in pink,

Jack in purple and Bryan in red.

Thorne's in position.

Madeva's decided to carry on, bless her, and Skabb's up at the top.

And they're off, out of the stocks and through the gate.

-Look at Turner go.

-What is this guy? It's like you're enjoying.

Madeva can barely lift the froth-frother,

-but she sends the iron giant down.

-Madeva, what's wrong?

-I'm not feeling well today.

-Incoming!

Don't worry, I will defend for the both of us.

-Come on, guys, you can do better than that.

-Cranky-butler!

Well, I suppose Turner did ask for that.

Yes, if he's not careful, Turner's taunting might just backfire on him.

Chin-fuzz! Skabb splats Ashley.

When we done, you going to make me a nice cup of tea, you hear me?

-Would you like one lump or two with your tea?

-Two lumps.

-Oh, please!

-Here comes Bryan.

-Whoa! Want to see my dubstep?

No, apparently he doesn't, Thorne,

and neither do we.

Thorne must think he's at a wedding.

That won't impress Madeva but she's soldiering on and still splatting.

-I think it's time to go moose hunting.

-Look out, Ashley.

-Trout-McGiffin! And she's back on the splat walk.

-Skabb rules.

Ashley must be wondering why she ever chose "Moose" as her battle cry.

-Markus, do you like to dance?

-All the time.

-All the time?

Fantastic.

And Markus learns the hard way, never go dancing with Skabb.

I almost lost the purple plague. But I didn't.

Skabb teases us with the plague and then splats Turner

and Dan with a slime ball. What's he up to?

Now, if Skabb releases one ball at time, we'll be here forever.

Yes, but that one tiny bit of plague has done the job.

Listen, all I want to do is get some purple plague.

For now anyway, the defenders are sticking with slime to

fend off the attackers and it seems to work.

Yes, Turner, Jack and Markus this time on the receiving end.

Maybe the plague isn't needed after all.

Well done, Markus.

-Oh, what a little ninja.

-No, Skabb, Bryan's the ninja.

-You're a very happy camper, aren't you?

-And so he should be, Skabb.

Markus is halfway up the ladder

and holding on despite Thorne's best attempts.

Well, he was, but now he's back where he started.

Now, can Ashley do any better?

So far so good.

Thorne, what's with this stinky little boy up here?

No time for a break for you, mate. Back in the water.

Good teamwork from the defenders.

Skabb spotted Turner sneaking up the side and Thorne sent him on his way.

-Is it a crime to slime?

-If it is, you're in trouble, Skabb.

-It's not a crime.

-Are you still here, Madeva?

-Ashley's still holding on.

-Can you take the pressure? You can't, no.

-Back in the water.

-Jack gives way but Ashley's still doing fine.

-Battle plan!

-Skabb has no choice but to release the purple plague.

Jack, Turner and Daniel are sent scattering

but look who's still holding on.

-She must have glued herself to the ladder.

-I'll help you up.

-Markus joins Ashley now but not for long.

-Am I scary?

-Yeah.

Why am I scary?

Skabb chats with Ashley, but Madeva splats her from the side.

Oh no, after all that time at the top, she's back at the bottom.

She takes Dan with her and this time Markus can't leap out of the way,

-so it's a triple splat.

-Hey, and no sneaking up the top.

No sneaking up the top!

Skabb uses the pokey pike, which never seems fair to me.

-Skabb, I might need your help over here.

-All right, I'm coming, Madeva.

Skabb's under pressure and he uses the pike again on Markus.

I agree with you, Dick. It gives the defenders an unfair advantage.

That's one way of dealing with it.

-Jack takes the pike down the ladder with him.

-How selfless of him.

As he heads into the moat, he knows the other attackers might make it.

Bryan's the first to benefit. He grabs a flag and he's into the final.

Ashley's glued to the spot again and with Skabb helping Madeva,

no-one's defending the flags.

So Jack and Turner help themselves and, after all her hard work,

Ashley joins them to become

-the fourth finalist.

-It's all over.

We live to fight another day.

-Markus smiles all the way down the slide of shame.

-And Daniel follows.

Bad luck, guys, but let's turn our attention to the four attackers

who've made it to the final.

Well done to Bryan for winning, but hats off to Jack for wrestling

that terrible pokey pike out of Skabb's hands.

That could have cost him his place in the final but amazingly,

he still came second.

Oh no, I knew it. You're going to miss the evening final cos of this.

Here, have another nap.

Yes, my sleepy little friend will need to be wide awake to

take in the scale of the majestic challenge

awaiting our four brave finalists.

Right, my little friend's dozed off,

so he should be bright as a button for that evening final

and I'm sure he won't mind missing out on the Splat-stat-attack.

Hang on, this doesn't feel quite right. I've got his voice!

Ashley and Jack have similar records going into the final.

Turner finished in first in Round One and third in Round Two,

but Bryan has done slightly better with a second and first place

so far, which makes him our favourite. Brr, that's better.

Ah, welcome back, Mr Sleepy. How you feeling?

Yeah, yeah, ready and raring to go.

I just had the weirdest dream about Splat-stats

and you revealed that Bryan was the favourite but you had my voice.

-Hmm, I think I need to give this Splat-hat a good wash.

-Yeah.

Now here's a reminder of today's finalists.

And here is the magnificent moonlit course that stands between them

and the Splatalot crown!

It does look stunning but this course is full of obstacles.

The attackers start with a trip to the dire mire

and the barrier of all barriers.

Once through the gate, they cross the terrifying Ts,

which lead to the scary-go-round.

It's a short spin to the annihilating arm,

followed by the gruesome twosome.

The cunning clobbering cannons are next.

Then it's down the royal ramps and over to the rock wall.

And at the top of that wall,

the much-treasured Splatalot crown awaits its brave new owner.

Also awaiting the attackers are all six defenders.

They've had a mixed day so far.

Vane, Skabb and Faetal were way too chatty in Round One and Madeva

was unwell in Round Two, so they could really do with a good final.

Back to the attackers. We have Turner in green, Ashley in pink,

Bryan and red and Jack in purple.

Skabb, of all people, is nursing Madeva back to health.

Kook and Vane are on cannon duty.

Thorne's doing some DJ-ing and Faetal's on the aqualizer.

And they're off. First it's a sprint to the dire mire.

Well, that slowed them all down. Turner reaches the barrier first.

He's up and over, followed by Bryan and then Jack, who,

sportingly, gives Ashley a helping hand. Turner's at the tease.

-There's one.

-Madeva looks terrible.

She shoots a splat ball but it doesn't trouble Turner.

-Oh, he's slipping and he's down.

-Well, Turner's certainly a big chap

but the terrifying Ts can cut anyone down to size.

Bryan's turn now and he hangs on for the moment.

Jack takes a belly splat.

Ashley, don't get too close. She's contagious.

I'm immune because I'm a barbarian.

Is that a medical fact, Skabb?

Ashley there on the Ts.

So far, so teetering.

Bryan makes it over safely and Turner joins Ashley.

Not for long, but his splat works out well for her and Ashley's over.

Turner's now over the Ts too.

-Here she is.

-Ashley lands on the scary-go-round.

Now the next task is to get over the annihilating arm.

Well, she's very good at getting under it.

Bryan joins her on the scary-go-round.

The defenders haven't made too much of an impact yet.

-Early days, though.

-Turner now takes on the arm.

Ooh, he just about hangs on but collides with Ashley again

and this time, she doesn't benefit.

Here's Jack, who's still at the Ts.

Oh, kill-fest and Jack will have to go back.

Turner finally loses his grip on the arm.

Bryan doesn't even attempt the arm this time,

but Jack's attempts at crossing the Ts is a success.

This is DJ Thorne spinning the splats all

-night in the Splatalot Castle. Oh yeah!

-Oh dear.

Bryan is slimed from every angle as he and the other defenders take a

moment to plan their next assault and he's come up with a plan of action.

He leaps but he can't make his landing on the gruesome twosome.

Turner's now in position.

He leaps, but no.

The tables have turned.

Back to Jack at the annihilating arm.

Skabb points Madeva in the right direction.

She fires but misses and Jack's over.

But Madeva does splat him this time and he's in the moat.

I suppose this has to go down as great teamwork from the defenders.

Skabb points, Madeva splats.

Turner approaches the annihilating arm again.

Madeva's seen him and she splats him.

Yes, he may have been a sitting target but Madeva won't mind.

But she does mind that high five from Skabb.

Turner leaps and, yes,

this time he makes a good landing.

Ashley tries the arm now. Jack's approaching. He ducks under

and that unsettles Ashley.

She's now flat on her back and she flips into the moat.

A backflip splat. Incredible.

We do a little thing here called splat-step.

Go ahead, I'll show you at the end.

Never trust a defender, Bryan, and that's why. Festooner!

Call me DJ Cannon-na-na-na.

DJ Cannon? I don't think so.

-I'll be the Thorne in your adult contemporary.

-Here's a new thing.

Too many DJs spoil the play list.

Here's Ashley on the biggest turntable in the kingdom.

-Oh, shrimp-lips!

-Turner heads

for the royal ramps and he's over!

Well, whatever they're saying, I think Skabb's angry.

Bryan at the cannons again. Wrong-sausage!

-Now what's going on here?

-The water cannon's not working.

-I'm trying to get him down but I can't.

-Why doesn't he just leap?

Turner, can you fix it?

-Faetal, he's an attacker(!)

-Yes, and Skabb is definitely a defender.

-Honking-intruder!

-Nice throw(!)

Don't taunt them, Turner, you'll make it worse.

-Now he's pulling faces.

-Turner, you fixed it for me. I love you.

-You're my favourite.

-Jump. You have my permission to jump on him.

Bryan doesn't jump on Turner but he doesn't hold on to the wall either.

And that leaves Turner up there on his own.

He's over the wall now and heads over to the crown.

So the tournament is complete. Turner in the new King of Splatalot!

Bad luck, Ashley.

And as the new king takes a bow, Bryan and fellow attacker Jack

reflect on what might have been.

What a superbly splatty end to the day.

Yes, Bryan nearly justified himself as the tournament favourite

but Turner thoroughly deserved that crown.

Yeah, the defenders were patchy again though. Madeva was off key.

Faetal made a song and dance about the aqualizer

and DJ Thorne certainly wasn't music to my ears.

Well, here's something to get you back on track.

Our splat of the day goes to Bryan.

So at least he's won something.

Yes, his battle axe splat in the moat challenge was something to savour.

But now it's time to turn our attention to the big cheese,

the top dog, the man of the hour.

Yeah, so here is the cheesy dog-man's journey to the crown.

-Cheesy dog-man?

-It's clutch time!

Turner started the day with one of the fastest sprints

ever around the moat.

He didn't do so well in the dungeon but sprang back to life in the final.

And once he overcame the troublesome Ts, he was unstoppable.

He even avoided a clobbering from the cannons before climbing

-the rock wall and claiming that crown.

-All hail, King Turner!

My first act as King of Splatalot is to have one of you

thrown in the swamp.

I wish it could be all of you but tonight it will be you, Vane.

To be honest, it could've been any of them.

They're all as bad as each other.

But, you know, I don't have a problem with that choice.

Well, that's it for today.

Plenty more action from this fine messy kingdom very soon.

But, for now, we'll leave you with one final splat.

Take it away, Vane.

Marvellous. So, splat-fans, until next time, keep splatting!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd