Episode 5 Splatalot

Welcome to Splatalot.

Today, ten brave young warriors will enter the kingdom

and go head-to-head with those deplorable defenders,

as they compete to capture that priceless Splatalot crown.

I'm unstoppable.

Will the defenders be able to keep the castle safe or will

the attackers seize the crown, win the day and dance daftly?

So, who will tumble, who will tilt, who will teeter and who will go...

BOTH: Splat?

-Hello, I'm Dick.

-I'm Dom.

-And this is...

S-pthpthpth-latalot!

Easy. There's more spray in here than there is out on the court.

I'm s-pth-o s-pthpth-orry.

How uncouth.

It's almost as if we have been transported back to Medieval times.

Have you taken in the view lately?

-The Moat Challenge.

-Yeah, I suppose it's a bit historical.

-The Ditch The Dungeon round.

-Yes, olde worlde.

And just look at the final round.

I mean, the crown itself must be older than my gran.

That is Medieval.

So, we start with ten attackers, but only four will make it to the final.

Where one of them will reign su-pthpthpth-reme.

Here is Round One in more detail.

To cross the moat, the attackers

must do battle with the baffling barrels.

They then face the slippery slope, rolling mace and impossible incline.

The beastly battle-axes are next, followed by the bridge of disaster.

And then the debilitating disc takes him to the finish line.

Now it is time to unveil the most Medieval part of the show.

Your underpants?

No, the defenders. More Neanderthal than Medieval.

First up today, it's Thorne.

I'll be the thorn in your side.

-Then it is beastly barbarian...

-Skabb!

And finally, Faetal, who knows it is best to say nothing at all.

Skabb rules!

Faetal rocks!

And Thorne...

-..thorns!

-See what I mean?

So, the course is ready and the defenders are in place.

Thorne's on splat-zooka, Skabb's on slime-stick

-and Faetal's on the aqualiser.

-Here is Nadia.

YOSO - you only splat once!

Hold on. Something tells me Nadia's underestimated a bit.

-Time for the Splat-tabulator, I think.

-What does it do?

I'll show you.

-It counts the splats.

-All right.

Does it go into double figures?

Hey, Nadia. Hey, I'm trying to talk here.

Yeah, trying.

Call that a hit?

Oh, Nadia with some feisty backchat. But is that wise?

-No!

-You only splat once - what was that?

-What's going on?

-Thorne's been splatted.

Hey, who did that?

-Well, it might seem unfair on Nadia, but a splat is a splat.

-OK.

Sorry, Nadia.

Fubbles!

The splat count increasing further men as Nadia rolls off the mace.

You said only once, but you see how I got you twice there.

-I hear you like seals.

-I do.

-Can you do an impression for me?

That's more of an artist's impression.

Here she is, going down the incline.

It's a bit slippy and...clack-she-backs!

Seven now on the Splat-tabulator.

This is my impression of Skabb. Raargh!

Can you actually impersonate yourself?

-Yes, I'm doing me right now.

-Very good. It's just like you.

Nadia at the battle-axes and...and...buckle-snuff!

And the Splat-tabulator hits 10.

Your fate is in my hands now.

I'm guessing that's a bad thing.

It all depends whether you like power showers.

It looks like she does, cos Nadia's made it over the bridge.

I thought you were supposed to be the nice one.

A nice defender? That's a contradiction in terms.

-SKABB:

-Hey, Faetal, that is what I call a sanitising wash.

-That wasn't funny.

-If Skabb tells a joke, you laugh.

Well, Nadia's not laughing. The splat counters, to 11.

Understandable, though.

That debilitating disc is not a walk in the park.

No, it's pretty much as far removed

from a walk in the park as I can think of.

Hey, Skabb, why did I put a seal in the moat?

-So it wouldn't leak.

-Why don't they just stick to defending?

Nadia finishes with her seal impression,

but has she sealed her place in the next round?

I'm going to win this thing.

Here is Madison, on the battleaxes.

She says she's a winner, but is she a splatter?

Oh, shazoodia!

In slow motion, you can see she plants her right foot here,

but her left foot has got nowhere to go, other than down.

-Hey, Faetal.

-Yeah.

-Knock, knock.

-Who's there?

Not Madison.

Well, at least Madison won't have to listen to any more

jokes, as she has finished, in 6.48.

Now, who's this?

Oh, look, here comes Brooke.

And there she goes, like a Brooke to water.

Girls kick butt!

You should be terrified.

-Gymnast Brooke gets a warm welcome from Skabb.

-Clam-shambles.

Classic technique, here.

Nice pointy toes and straight legs, resulting in a well-executed splat.

Faetal now, and not making Brooke's life easy on the debilitating disc.

Beaver-thwack!

Oh, dear, her gymnastic poise has deserted her at the finish.

No pointed toes this time, just a big, fat, splashy splat.

-But Brooke still finishes in 5:10.

-Splooty.

-Shark attack.

-Shark!

Boys and girls, it's time for a bit of shark hunting.

This doesn't look good for Jacob.

-Nice try!

-You have got a taunter, Thorne!

Will Jacob's taunting backfire? He is almost over the mace.

But not quite and...mummy-chog!

And shark boy Jacob finishes, I said fin-ishes, in the moat.

Thank you very much.

One thing I'd love is a good bowl of shark fin soup.

I want to see your disappearing act, Jacob.

-Ah, yes, Jacob's also a very keen magician.

-He is actually very good.

-THORNE:

-I am so impressed.

Now, does Jacob have any more tricks up his sleeve?

Kalooka-coco-poo!

What a leap from Jacob. What a splat, too.

And that's a magical time of 5:02.

It was fun.

I love kissing girls!

Does he now?

Well, Goran also loves leaping over barrels, by the look of it.

Oh...giant darnio!

What the heck is this kid?

I'm unstoppable.

Get ready to kiss my splat-zooka.

-Uh-oh.

-Panga!

-You think that was funny?

-Yeah.

There's an awful lot of love out there. Thorne expresses his love

for Jacob, with a little kiss on the bonce. How sweet.

At the mace now and Goran's twinkle-toes take him right over.

But he goes cheek-to-cheek with the incline.

It's going, it's going, it's gone!

Thanks, Thorne. But Goran's gone and finished in the fastest time so far.

Goo-goo Goran.

A little mouthwash for you.

So, we're at the halfway stage.

And despite some awful jokes, it's gone pretty well.

-Don't you mean it's Goran pretty well?

-I've got plenty of pies left.

Here's the leaderboard.

Goran is in the lead with 3:12.

Jacob has 5:09, just one second ahead of Brooke.

Madison has clocked 6:48 and Nadia brings up the rear with 7:19.

So, the next five attackers have got it all to do at the halfway mark.

So have the defenders. They really need some funnier material.

That's rich coming from you.

Of course it is - that's my name.

Shut up or you'll get splatted, like this lot.

So, we're halfway through and it's all still to play for.

Six places in Round Two are on offer.

Actually, that's not quite true. Only five places are left.

If you think about it, even if

all five attackers in the second half are faster then the current

leader, Goran will still go through, as the sixth fastest.

In other words, if you're top of the leaderboard after

the first half, then you can relax.

-You thought all that up on your own, did you?

-How dare you?

Of course I did.

Ah-ha! I told you not to play with the stats hat. It gives you ideas.

Let's check out the leaderboard.

So, Goran is safe in top spot,

but the rest simply have to hope their times are good enough.

The jokers, I mean, the defenders, are back in place.

So let's meet attacker number six.

Mullets and moustaches.

Taylor's mulleting her way over the mace.

But it's all gone a bit moustachey and...gravel-diver-grunch!

Oh, it looked like she was going to make it,

but once you're off your feet, then the mace will roll you over.

But look at this - Taylor's one of the very few to make it over

the incline without getting wet.

-Our distracting is working phenomenally fun.

-It is.

Fantastic teamwork.

-I can't believe it.

-What? Skabb being nice to Thorne?

No, Skabb using the word "phenomenally".

Talking of phenomenal, Taylor celebrates in style.

You goo, girl.

Where are my glasses?

Where you left them, Saad.

-Burrowing goby!

-I think I've found where your glasses might be.

They might be in the water.

Oh, no, come on, Saad, they must be in there somewhere.

Thorne's joking. Boy, he's got you and Saad over a barrel.

That's it. Have a good search in there.

And sadly for Saad, he does not finish.

-I eat pain.

-Uh-oh.

Welcome to the international house of pain-cakes.

Will that scare Marcus? No, he throws a paintball at Thorne!

-Oi!

-Delta-smelt!

Hey, Marcus, I also eat pain. But I drink fear!

Skabb scares me more when he's trying to make sense.

Donty-tetra!

Well, Skabb might drink fear,

but Marcus is drinking an awful lot of moat water.

And it leads to a mouth-watering splat.

Can he recover from this?

He can. 3:02 is the fastest time so far.

-Oh, Thorne's a bit cheeky.

-You suck!

And Marcus is even cheekier.

That's your dessert, Marcus.

I feel really uncomfortable.

Why's that, then?

Forehead-brooder!

Ah, that's why.

The barrels offer cold comfort for Luke,

but I doubt the rest of the course will be any more welcoming.

-I'm done.

-That's because he came undone on the barrels.

And so, Luke officially does not finish.

Well, if it were easy, we'd have kings and queens all over the shop.

It's my birthday!

Happy splat-day, Mikayla.

Hey, Micky, I've got an extra-special present for you here.

Don't like the sound of that.

Thorne's present is not a hit.

But - dusty-grouper - Mikayla ends up in the moat anyway.

I remember when I was 15. The first day I wrestled a brontosaurus

and ate his liver for breakfast.

That's disgusting.

It was the best birthday ever.

-Thanks, Skabb.

-Happy birthday.

-Wobbegong!

Thorne reminds us this ain't no ordinary birthday.

And this time his gift is a hit.

Oh, look, he's even wrapped it himself.

Faetal is here to make all your birthday wishes come true.

So now it's Faetal's turn to shower Mikayla with splatty gifts.

Blenny-blunderic.

Well, the finish ramp there, giving Mikayla one final parting gift.

Everyone's been so nice to her on her splat-day.

But that's the best gift - 3:57.

And here's the surprise pressie!

Through to Round Two are Brooke, Jacob, Goran, Taylor, Marcus

and Micky AKA Mikayla.

Yes, well done to those six, who will now battle it out in our very

messy second round, Ditch The Dungeon.

Where we'll be ditching two more attackers.

It's going to be splat-tastic.

But before we head for Round Two, let's take a moment to celebrate

Skabb's unique sense of humour as performed by Mr Dickie McCourt.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Not Madison.

HE LAUGHS

Great. Make it more stupid.

OK.

I eat pain, but I also drink fear.

HE LAUGHS

I remember when I was 15.

The first day I wrestled a brontosaurus

and ate his liver for breakfast. Best birthday ever.

SKABB LAUGHS

Tell you what, Dom, I'm getting his laugh down to a tee.

And Skabb thinks he's going to have you for tea!

THEY SCREAM

And now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

let's remind ourselves who's going through to Round Two. Tell them!

J-J-Jacob, Mikayla, Taylor, Brooke, Goran and M-M-Marcus.

-And now you tell them about Round Two.

-Thank you, Skabb.

I mean, Mr Skabb.

S-S-So in Ditch The Dungeon,

we begin with the attackers in the stock market.

Then they escape over the splat-walk which leads to the loathsome ladder.

At the top, they'll find four flags,

but the defenders will be armed with all sorts of slimy weapons.

If they can claim a flag, then they will go through to the final.

Good. Now be nice to my friends or I'll use your heads as slime-balls.

So, defending the dungeon we have the lovely Kookaburra.

Ah, you didn't think it was me. I was hiding.

The lovely lady with the lovely laugh, Madeva.

SHE LAUGHS

And the lovely gentleman archer, Vane.

You can get the crown.

When pigs fly.

This guy is going to need a parachute.

How lovely.

So, the attackers are down in the stock market and ready to go.

Micky is in red. Goran is orange. Brooke is orange and blue.

Marcus has yellow and green. Jacob's stripes and Taylor's in pink.

-The defenders are also armed and ready so let's begin.

-Right.

KLAXON BLARES And they are off.

Once out of the stocks, they head over to the gate

which leads to the splat-walk.

Welcome to Vane's runway of pain.

Taylor has an early lead, but it's very early days.

Noodle-fish! Never too early for a splat though.

And that is an early bath for Taylor.

OK, let's bring this stuff down.

Vane start foaming.

You haven't even got up one step yet.

And Madeva starts taunting.

Brooke slips in the form

and heads to the moat, which looks like a bubble bath.

Kook with the slime-ball and...sockeye salmon!

Another treat there for Micky the birthday girl.

And look at Marcus, sliding along the splat-walk.

-He seems to have taken Goran out in the process.

-Beckham.

Can Kook bend it like Beckham, though?

Oh, fantastic.

Is there no end to his boasting?

And is there no end to this slippery foam? Marcus is down.

Kook throws this time. Nimble-fish.

He is on fire today. He can't seem to miss.

Yes, it is Goran this time on the receiving end.

You really can't get more accurate than that.

And once again, an attacker is in the moat.

Open wide, say, "Ah."

Madeva gets medical, but it's just an evil splatty ploy.

-Is that for me?

-You want some of this? Come on now, say, "Ah!"

Goran's playing along, but that often ends in tears.

-Vane's taking the more direct route.

-Happy birthday.

Look at the slide, down the Vane runway of pain.

You know, Vane is one of the most...

One of the most what exactly?

One of the most charming men on the planet.

-Kook tries bowling this time.

-Strike.

-Fantastic.

-Half a strike.

-More like a spare.

Well, Kook has kicked, thrown and bowled superbly today.

-What a great guy.

-Great guy?

-Shh! Skabb might be listening.

Mammy's cooking a shark fin soup special for you, child.

Nope, even I don't know what that meant.

Hey, guys, raise of hands, who wants the ball of doom?

-Oh, Marcus doesn't like the sound of that.

-See, I got it with that one.

Kook is really messing with the attackers.

-Oh, and now he is messing with himself.

-Waah!

Waah!

For once he is actually speechless.

Taylor decides she'd rather be in the moat than listen to Kookaburra.

I'm so angry.

Whilst Skabb's gone, let's see Kookaburra slip one more time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here it comes again. Again. And again.

That is brilliant.

Balls of doom! Balls of doom!

Not so brilliant.

Yeah, it's balls of doom time, baby.

BOTH: Balls of doom! Balls of doom!

Warty angler!

Strike!

Yes, and the earth-shattering attacker-splattering

ball of doom makes its mark.

Goran gets most of that, but he is soon back up again.

-Give me the ball of doom.

-No. No, I'm not rushing it.

You can't call for the ball of doom. You're not a defender.

So, the attackers want the ball of doom and Kook won't throw it?

-You're doing really well.

-More mind games from Kookaburra.

A direct splat from Madeva and socky-fringe-head!

-First Taylor, then it's Mikayla's turn.

-Madeva, you're scaring me.

Please, stop doing that. Actually, keep doing it.

Monkey-face prickle-back!

-Kook brings out the slime-balls again.

-Yes.

And Madeva decides to wash away the goo and the attackers with it.

Look at them slide.

-Come on now.

-Taylor accepts Madeva's challenge.

-Oh, yeah.

So close yet so far.

Vane gets ready for some sliming.

Vane, I told you once before, mind the weave, OK?

-Madeva is getting a bit stroppy.

-Is this a chance for the attackers?

Goran makes a move. But Madeva has seen him. And down he goes.

Slip-sliding away.

Yes, you've got it, hang on.

Uh-oh, Marcus is falling for another Kookaburra mind game.

And now he is just falling.

All the way back to the splat-walk.

But the attackers have ganged up on Kook.

And Goran is through to the final.

Brooke is not far behind and she is through, too,

which means only two places are left.

Make it rain. OK.

Madeva tries to hose them down, but it is Vane who succeeds

with the slime-stick. And down go Michaela and Taylor.

Jacob's made it. Followed by Marcus. Ooh.

Well, the course decides to remind Jacob that the splats

can keep on coming, even when you've finished.

But he now has the flag safely in hand and so has Marcus.

Taylor takes the slide of shame

and slips all the way back to the splat-walk.

And now it is Micky's turned to be shamed and, ultimately, splattered.

Here are the finalists,

who should be saving the energy. But who can resist a good old flag-wave?

And those finalists, who now have a chance to rule the kingdom

and wear the crown are Goran, Jacob, Brooke and Marcus.

Yes, four will enter the final round, but only one will emerge victorious.

They will also emerge completely splattered from head to toe,

cos we have saved the toughest challenge till last.

Time now for some splat stats.

Wait! I want to do it.

OK, here you are, Mr Skabb.

-Don't worry, the hat will tell you what to say.

-Thank you.

-DICK'S VOICE:

-Marcus won Round One, but came last in Round Two.

Jacob has improved, but not as much as Brooke

and Goran is the favourite, with a second and first place so far.

-What just happened? I feel strange.

-Don't worry about it.

Why don't you just go and relax and have a brontosaurus sandwich

-and get ready for the final.

-Skabb rules!

-Yes, yes, you do, you do.

Right, shall we get back to the show?

Indeed. Here are the finalists.

Red-hot favourite Goran, most improved Brooke,

struggling Marcus and Jacob, who's somewhere in between.

Now let's see if Skabb's recovered.

Yes, he has. There he is with the other five defenders.

Remember, all of them take part in the final.

And here is that final in more detail.

It starts with a muddy trip across the dire mire

-and the barrier of all barriers.

-Then, it is a teeter and totter

over the terrifying Ts, which lead to the scary-go-round.

There, they'll find the annihilating arm and the gruesome twosome.

Then onto the clobbering cannons and over the royal ramps,

before coming face-to-face with the rock wall.

And at the top is that all-important Splatalot crown.

So, Vane's on splat-zooka. Faetal is on slime.

Lovely Skabb's on goo-grenades. Thorne's on the vicious vaporisers.

Madeva's on the aqualiser and Kook's on the clobbering cannons.

-Don't they all look pathetic?

-What about Skabb?

-He can't hurt us now.

-He is too busy defending.

-And they're off.

Brooke's in blue and orange, Marcus is in green,

Goran is in orange and Jacob is in stripes.

Goran leaps over the barrier, like it wasn't there.

But Brooke's not too far behind.

-And I am the first one.

-Wow, Goran.

-Goran is first to get splattered.

-I've missed you.

-I have missed you so much.

-Well, this is all very pleasant

and Goran has charmed his way over the Ts.

Now it is Brooke's turn. She leaps and...mo-wong!

Yes, Brooke went for broke, but she didn't see that coming.

-I think I can help with that.

-What are you doing?

-There you are, see?

-It's a giant pair of glasses.

-How very thoughtful of you.

Goran leaps and just hangs on to the scary-go-round.

Thorne tries to shake him off.

-If that one of the boys from One Direction?

-What?

Those guys are not cool.

They have thrown everything at Goran today, but it looks like being

compared to One Direction has hurt him the most.

Look out, it is zebra-striped shark boy.

Yes, Jacob's made it to the hammerhead Ts.

-VANE:

-Shark boy just got finned out.

-But Jacob is still standing.

Well, just about. He leaps and he lands.

Not bad for a fish out of water.

Maybe he is more of a zebra-striped shark-finned frog.

Maybe. Here's Marcus.

Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice...doing-doing.

If you look at that again,

you will notice that Marcus has lost a shoe.

We suspect he left it somewhere in the dire mire.

-And that lead to dire consequences.

-Not if you're a splat fan.

That was fantastic.

Let me see your face, bro.

Here is Goran, on the annihilating arm, under attack from Vane.

Oh, my rotary calf.

Oh, it looks like Vane's in trouble.

And so is Goran. Byzangee!

-KOOK:

-Oh, the old lucky one shoe on, one shoe off technique.

-Hasn't been lucky so far.

-You are a lousy aim, dude.

How about Marcus's aim? Well, he is on the scary-go-round.

But not for long. Smosh-hond!

Now it is Jacob's turn. But he hangs on.

In fact, he manages to go under Marcus on the annihilating arm.

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my goodness.

Dundy dinmont!

Goran's heading for the gruesome twosome.

Thorne tries to stop him, but he makes a spectacular landing.

Our good friend Skabb's spotted him, though,

and slimes Goran at close range.

Oh, Goran, come back. You're my favourite.

Oops, looks like Faetal's words were just too much for him.

What will Jacob make of the annihilating arm? He is up.

He is under attack. Wahoo-choop-stoops!

Just check this out.

It's a full zebra-goggles flat on the annihilating arm.

Where else will you ever get a chance to say something like that?

Come on, girl.

Words of encouragement from Faetal, alongside slime of discouragement.

Marcus slides under the arm and that is just enough to throw

Brooke's balance and...more bottom-fetts!

Goran's made it over to the clobbering cannons, but Skabb

is still up close and personal.

Brooke's at the gruesome twosome.

Whippet!

If she was trying to miss the gruesome twosome completely

and head feet-first into the grimy moat, then I'd say,

"Well done, mission accomplished."

Now, can Goran get past the clobbering cannons?

-Well, no problem with the first one.

-Skabb's spotted the danger.

-Oh, no! Skabb's down!

-Brilliant. We must see that again.

-Better not.

-He's our friend now, remember?

-Oh, yeah, good thinking.

Goran is at the royal ramps but, oh, catahula!

Well, he strolled past the cannons, but ran headlong into the ramp.

And Goran is going down.

Brooke's now at the cannons, but Skabb slimes her

then Kook splat-zookas her. And the cannons clobber her.

Madeva really loves to see misfortune in others.

Marcus leaps and makes his landing.

No shoes, no splat, no service.

-Hang in there, Marcus.

-Goran is back on the ramp.

Madeva is trying to make his life tricky with that shower,

but he is ready to leap and...

durangai!

Madeva may just have saved the crown. Now, what are Skabb and Kook up to?

It's not working. It's not working.

Bijon frise! It's the old broken cannon routine from Kook.

In the moat!

Kookaburra has been at his most mischievous today

and poor Marcus fell for that one hook, line and splatter.

Goran back at the wall and, this time, he makes it.

-Can Madeva stop him a second time?

-Well, she's trying.

Skabb steps in with some goo-grenades. Vane's there, too.

Goran's nearly at the top. Just a couple more steps.

Oh! Shankar!

That's how we do here in the castle.

-Thank you, Madeva. Here comes Marcus, there goes Marcus.

-Who's next?

The attackers are all queueing up. It's Brooke.

She has made a move and she is on the wall.

The defenders must do it all again.

-They are throwing everything they have at her.

-Zebra, go for it!

Jacob jumps, but he can't hold on. Brooke is out there on her own now.

She's climbing and she is near the top of the wall.

She is seconds away.

She is over and, yes, she has the crown in her hands.

We have a new ruler.

I am the queen of Splatalot. # Na, na-na, na-na! #

And the defenders don't look happy, at all.

-Terrible.

-Whoo!

Raaargh! Brooke doesn't rule. Skabb rules!

Well, come on, give her a chance.

-I'm sure she is lovely when you get to know her.

-Gaaargh!

Phew! That was close. Imagine if he had seen this.

We start with Kookaburra's slip of the day.

In Round Two, the king of cool is no more.

But it just keeps getting better.

Skabb gets a taste of his own medicine,

as he slips, slides and splats.

Something our new queen Brooke is used to.

She splattered in Round One, slid in Round Two and then in

the final, she splashed and clobbered her way to a much-deserved victory.

Whoo! My first act of being queen of Splatalot is to throw

one of you into the moat.

I wish I could do it to all of you,

but today it will be Skabb.

-KOOK:

-Oh. Classic.

So much for her being nice.

-KOOK:

-Classic barbarian.

Gaargh!

-He'll blame us. I know it.

-That's all for today.

We'll leave you with our new best friend in the Splatapult ceremony.

Take it away, Skabb.

You'll pay for this!

-See, I knew he would blame us. Till next time.

-BOTH: Keep splatting!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd