Episode 7 Splatalot

-Welcome to Splatalot!

-Once again, we've invited ten of the bravest

young warriors in the kingdom to go head to head with those

dastardly defenders as they compete

to capture the greatest treasure in the land, the Splatalot crown.

Will the defenders protect the castle

and keep the crown safe, or will the attackers overthrow them

and reign victorious by doing lots of silly dancing?

So who will tumble? Who will tilt? Who will teeter?

And, above all, who will go splat?

-He's Dick.

-He's Dom.

-And welcome to the greatest splat-fest on earth.

-But is it?

It's the biggest, messiest tournament around.

No, but you said "on earth".

Splatalot is a mythical kingdom - it might not be on earth.

It might be under, you know, in the middle.

In the middle. Middle Earth? Right. Now you're just talking nonsense.

Here's what's coming up on today's show.

Ten attackers will tackle the Merciless Moat,

but only the six fastest will survive.

They'll head to Round Two, which is called Ditch the Dungeon,

but only four will make it through to the final,

where one true champion will prevail.

So if I was an attacker,

I would have a one in ten chance of becoming Splatalot royalty.

No, you'd have no chance. I mean, how would you get around the moat?

-Just look at those baffling barrels and piercing pellets.

-Simple.

-Then there's the Slippery Slope.

-Easy!

-The Impossible Incline and Beastly Battleaxes.

-Not a problem!

-The Bridge of Disaster?

-Bridge of whatever.

-The Wavering Warhead?

-Bring it on, bring it all on.

HE GROWLS Pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?

Well, I think you might have forgotten about... Look...

-..the defenders?

-Ah. Yes.

First off, we have Faetal, who surprisingly likes garden fetes...

Kookaburra, who surprisingly likes to cook...

and Madeva, who doesn't like surprises.

Today's moat forecast is...

Madeva going to make it rain!

Can she really control the weather?

So Faetal is on the slime stick, Kook is on the splatzooka,

and Monsoon Madeva on the aqualiser.

-Time for our first attacker.

-977 for the win!

Here is Forrest.

Whoa...kulfi-falooda! That's a Forrest bump on the barrels.

Forrest is wet. No pun intended.

What pun was that, Kook?

-Splat, Forrest, splat!

-That's better.

Forrest standing tall on the Rolling Mace. How will he do on the incline?

Ister-brund! I think that's called a Forrest dump.

Forrest, life is like a slippery slope -

you always end up in the moat.

Poetry, puns and paintballs.

Splat, Forrest, splat!

Yes, we got it the first time. And Forrest continues to get it.

-Down he goes.

-Forrest is on fire!

You look great today! Did you shave?

Forrest leaves the defenders to it. Can he make it over the bridge?

Chupalla!

-Nice of you to join me, Forrest.

-What, no pithy putdown?

Maybe she doesn't want to make Forrest grumpy.

Don't mess with Madeva!

Oh, Dom, look! It's a rainforrest! Get it?

-Get it?

-Got it.

Good.

A happy day is a splatty day, that's what I'm talking about.

-# Oh, splatty day... #

-Splatty day.

# It's a splatty day. #

While the defenders have a bit of a singsong,

Forrest finishes in a reasonable time of 7:20.

Not quite as fast as Usain Bolt, eh, Forrest?

You can't see me!

Yes, Monica, but can you see the barrels?

How am I supposed to defend when I can't see her?

What's he going on about?

You can see her, right?

I can hear her splatting, but I can't see her.

-She's right in front of you, splitting and splatting.

-Where?

Look, her right foot starts here, moved over here,

and then ends up down there. See?

I just saw a bunch of circles and an arrow.

Wow, that Wavering Warhead just moved by itself!

I can't believe this.

Monica, let's see this dance.

No, can't see her dancing, but I can see that time. 4:17!

-I can see her!

-Now I see her.

-It's a blue monster.

-Next, please!

I'm going to squish you like a bug.

She can't talk to you like that, Dom!

-What do you mean?

-Squished like a bug?

I'll show you what it's like to be squished like a bug, Alyssa.

-Welcome to Swatalot.

-What's up?

Spodick! Spodick!

Accurate splatting from Kookaburra there. Right on the noggin.

She'd need eyes in the back of her head to see that one coming.

You mean like a bug?

Wow! Even the goggles have got it in for Alyssa.

-Onto the battleaxes and...schpitzel!

-Actually, it's a double schpitzel.

Fantastic!

Kook is buzzing,

but it hasn't stopped Alyssa from reaching the Wavering Warhead.

Nice form.

-Yes!

-That must really bug Alyssa.

I'm sure she won't mind as she has just posted the fastest time so far.

-Damn!

-Well put, Madeva. Time to meet Mitchell.

-Olives!

-That's not a battle cry, that's more like a shopping list.

-Here he is. Olives!

-If they're olives, then I'm ordering a pizza.

Hang on... What's he doing?

He's wiping away some olive goo from his person.

Whoa...knack-verst! Well, Mitchell is really getting a faceful today -

olive goo then turquoise slime. But he can clean it all off in the moat.

Believe me, you can't clean anything in that moat water.

Splat go the weasel cos the weasels go splat!

One of the lesser-known nursery rhymes from Madeva there.

Do you think she's been at the moat water too?

Look, there's even fumes coming off it today.

Well, it didn't put Mitchell off.

-He's finished with a very good time of 5:13.

-Let's meet Marco.

-Winning!

-Marco's got winning teeth.

And it's a winning start too. It's a good landing.

And then he keeps his balance despite the spray.

-Somebody just spat at you.

-Oh, so do we have to call this Spatalot now?

-Marco!

-Whoa!

-What's Kookaburra up to now?

Let me hear you say "fall in the water"!

-Don't humour him.

-Never!

Well, you say never, Marco, but look,

you've just fallen in the water.

-I never say never.

-You just did. Twice.

-I'm OK!

-Marco, you're my favourite!

-Gildar!

I thought I was your favourite.

Gildar is my cousin, Kook, I told you, I'm defending right now.

-You look fantastic.

-Here he is at the bridge.

-Come on, Marco, let's see what you got!

-Well, so far, he's got wetalot.

Going down! That's what I'm talking about.

But Marco could still be a winner with that great time of 4:25.

Nice moves, too.

Well, that's the first five attackers.

-In other words, it's half-time.

-So let's see who is the fastest so far.

In other words, let's check out the leaderboard.

-In other words...

-Well said.

In fact, words can't really do justice to the splat-fuelled action

coming your way in the second half.

So at the halfway stage, what do you make of the defenders so far?

Well, it would seem Kookaburra is repeatedly mistaking Faetal

for her cousin and former Splatalot defender...Gildar!

Yes, Gildar is pretty unmistakable. How would you describe him?

-Well, er...he's vain.

-Vane? No, I thought this was Vane.

-Oh, don't get those two mixed up. That could be fatal.

-Faetal?

No, not Faetal, you muppet! Fatal!

Honestly, how am I supposed to work with you?

-All right, don't become a diva.

-Why would I mention Madeva?

My head hurts. Let's get on with it.

Can we have a look at the leaderboard, please? That's better.

Time for the second half, and do we have a treat for you!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Keara with one of the best battle cries ever.

-Schnoggan shnubia!

-Fantastic!

-What's up? Whoa!

-Ner!

-Oh!

-Missed again!

This one for sure. Schnoggan shnee!

Whoa... Schnoggan shnubia!

I think it's my new favourite splat word.

Keara is proud of her muscles, Kook.

I like Keara, she's going places.

Whoa... Schnoggan shnubia!

Yes, never before has a shnubia been so schnogged.

Plus, if her shnubia had been in the danger zone here,

then it could been a schnogging shambles.

-Onto the battleaxes, what will she do next?

-Is that a full shnubia?

No, a half shnubia with a reverse schnoggan.

-That was a hidden elephant.

-Her schnog has just been schnuggened.

-Sneeby-snablo!

-No-blee-schneeblee!

-Schneeven...

-Blue-blue-blue...

In all that silliness,

the defenders have let Keara reach the finish line.

She's really showing me her muscles right now.

Well, that time of 8:22 isn't too muscly,

but Keara is top of the table when it comes to entertainment.

-And what does she win for that?

-Diddly-squit!

Come at me, bro!

-No schogger or shnubia from Kylie.

-But the same result.

You look like a cute little frog in the water.

-I'm pretty sure Kylie won't take that as a compliment.

-Mucky bee-roty!

Well, she did tell them to come at her. Sadly, Kylie calls it a day.

-I've got my kitty cat claws!

-HISSES

OK, Mr Artist, turn her into a kitty cat. How's that?

Purr-fect.

OK, that's enough.

Unfortunately, Faetal is not a cat person.

That's OK, because it would seem that Taylor is a splat person.

And she's making this course look easy!

-Well, she's

-feline

-fine, because she's posted a time

of 2:02, the fastest today by far.

Here's Michaela.

Purple banana!

Purple banana? What's she talking about? There's no such thing.

Yes, there it is, look. She slipped on it.

And again!

Chorizo!

It's you, isn't it?

Michaela! Hey!

-Look, you'd better stop messing around with those silly bananas.

-Why?

These splats are fantastic. Look at that! Luka-nico!

Actually, you're right, this is one humdinger of a splat.

And banana girl finishes in 9:45, which isn't enough to qualify.

You should feel very guilty about that, young man.

My name is Mega Movie Man Mark and I'm an internet sensation!

-Do you think Mega Movie Man Mark does his own stunts?

-He does now.

-You edit that to make it look good.

-Bit harsh. Lukanka!

I'll let you pass if you'll make me the star of your movie.

We could call it The Green Guy's A Freak.

Hey, I'm famous!

Do you know what? I'm even more than famous - I'm infamous!

Oh, dear, Kook, I think you've just failed the audition.

Well, our star is just about hanging in there.

Movie Man needs a stunt double.

-Stop filming, we need a stunt double in! He can't do it.

-Right, cut!

Can we please get back to the game?

There's Mark at the battleaxes. Silky flycatcher!

That's entertainment. Hashtag.

-What's Kook Twittering on about now?

-Mark's still struggling on the axes.

-Poppersquash!

-This is turning into a disaster movie for Mark.

Say hello to my little friend.

I wouldn't want to meet her big friend.

Can Mark hang on? Will his movie have a happy ending?

No, that time is not good enough, but I do like his chicken dance.

So going through to Round Two, we have...

And as a special treat, those six will soon be back,

up to their eyeballs in slime, goo and splat juice.

Because they're about to Ditch the Dungeon in Round Two.

So six attackers are through.

But perhaps we should... reflect...for a moment

on the four attackers that we sadly lost during the Battle of the Moat.

Yes, the kings and queens that could have been.

Kylie. - "Come at me, bro!"

-She didn't qualify, bless her.

-Mmm.

There won't be any more odd-coloured bananas now that Michaela is gone.

Would Mega Movie Man Mark have made a great Splatalot star?

We'll never know.

And saddest of all, we've lost Keara,

which means we'll never hear...

-We will never, ever hear...

-Schnoggan shnubia!

..schnoggan shnubia again.

-But don't worry about it, it's not all bad.

-No.

Cos we've still got this lot.

There's Taylor, Alyssa, Marco, Mitchell, Monica and Forrest.

Here's Round Two in more detail.

The attackers start in the Stock Market,

then head over to the Loathsome Ladder.

The goal is to escape the dungeon

and claim one of four flags situated at the top, but the defenders

will be pelting them with every slimy substance they can think of.

-Talking of which...

-Where?

-What?

-A witch. You said there was a witch.

No I didn't. Actually, it's much scarier.

Talking of which... here are the defenders.

Defending the honour of Splatalot,

we have Thorne the thorny, Skabb the scabby, and Vane the...veiny.

-We're more ready than we've ever been!

-Guys, easy on the cardio.

It's bad for your joints.

So the attackers are in the Stock Market.

Taylor is in red and blue, Mitchell is purple, Alyssa is in orange,

Forrest in yellow and green, Monica has tiger stripes

and Marco is in blue.

Skabb and Thorne looking hungry for work, and Vane...

just looking hungry.

-KLAXON

-And they're off!

Out of the stocks, through the gates, and over the Splatwalk.

All pretty straightforward so far, but that's all about to change.

Forrest accelerating, but that foam puts the brakes on.

Run, Forrest, run!

Yes, Skabb, we did all the Forrest Gump gags in Round One.

To be honest, no-one's running anywhere.

Looks like Vane's in a bowling alley. Not quite a strike.

-Thorne fires, and Taylor is in the moat.

-Kit-e-kat!

Taylor won't like that. Her claws will be out now.

-I love it when we do teamwork!

-Skabb's happy.

Vane's still bowling,

and the attackers are still getting splatted.

The defenders seem to have the upper hand.

Vane's really going for it now, and that foam from Skabb is not helping.

He makes a move, but slips on the foam,

and he and Alyssa are back where they started.

Move over, Vane, Thorne's on the vile volley.

-Time to roll out the cannon!

-Not looking good for the attackers.

And Skabb makes it worse, taking down Monica with a goo grenade.

That is what you call a Skabb strike.

HE CACKLES

Vane won't like that.

He hasn't had a strike all day. And he's missed again.

Now, this is the furthest the attackers have managed

so far on the Loathsome Ladder. Can they hold on?

The answer is...

-Sock-choppy! Monica down again!

-You don't even need to defend!

Got this one extra slippery. Here we go...

-Tar-zah!

-Vane takes down Taylor and two others with him.

Ooh, he's really charging himself up now,

and it's a spectacular miss, but it doesn't matter.

Monica and Mitchell still go down like pinballs.

-Skabb's a bit more direct. He splats Forrest and...

-Forrest is felled.

I thank you.

People call this a job. I call it more of a livelihood.

I love it when Skabb thinks he's being clever.

Hey, never underestimate a barbarian.

Uno, dos, tres!

See? He can count to three in Spanish.

And Mitchell can count on a trip down the ladder.

Eins, zwei, drei!

-Now German!

-All right, let's try Dutch. Een, twee, drie!

-Actually, I'm impressed.

-Well, it's a splat in any language. Splat!

There goes Monica.

-Splat! There goes Taylor.

-The attackers are really going nowhere.

Apart from down, that is.

-And Forrest takes Monica out.

-On a date?

Yes, she's head over heels about it.

Are you eating a sandwich?

Second breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

We're supposed to be defending here.

The defenders are bickering,

but the attackers still can't find a way through.

It's like they've got this massive ladder to climb.

Nothing gets past you, does it?

Thorne fires, and Taylor is sent back into the dungeon dregs.

-Fantastic, Thorne.

-I don't like it when the defenders are happy.

Neither does Marco.

It's an avalanche of attackers - there goes Mitchell now!

-Sometime today would be fancy.

-Yeah, he's already on his second lunch.

I don't even have any weapons left. Move!

-Merry Christmas, everybody!

-And Vane unleashes the purple plague.

Funny, they just look like purple bouncy balls to me.

Have you no imagination?

Whatever they are, they're making the attacker's lives very hard.

There goes Monica! Bye-bye, Monica.

Thorne! I had a shower last week.

Sounds like Skabb doesn't like getting wet.

Well, he's in the wrong kingdom. Look at that!

Water, water everywhere, and they just drop and splat. How poetic.

Thank you.

But it's not quite true. Look!

Marco's through, and he's the first attacker to claim a flag!

Taylor isn't too far behind. She joins Marco in the final.

So two flags remain, looks like one of them has Mitchell's name on it.

Who will get the last one? It's Monica!

And that's it, we have our finalists!

Now, if you have a flag, you should really give it a wave.

And there they go. Marvellous. You know, this show never disappoints.

Top drawer entertainment, or as Kook would say...

That's entertainment. Hashtag.

-What a weird round!

-Mmm.

One minute, the attackers were really struggling, then the next,

they're sprinting over the finishing line.

Yeah, I think the defenders took their eye off the ball.

Or the plague, as you call it. Here's the leaderboard.

Yes, one of them will become our new ruler, but it won't be easy.

Quite right, too.

We don't want any old Tom, Dick or Harry to become the new king.

-I could be king.

-Sure you could, yeah,

but you'd have to get round this little obstacle course first.

Mmm.

Time now for Splats of Fame.

Where we take a moment to celebrate some truly classic splats.

-Splat stat attack?

-Yes, please.

-Why not? OK. Mitchell...

Came fifth in the Moat Challenge and third in Ditch the Dungeon.

-Monica...

-Has a third and fourth so far.

-Marco...

-Came fourth in Round One, but won Round Two,

-so is the most improved attacker.

-And M...Taylor...

Taylor has a first and second place to her name so, overall,

is the favourite for the final.

Thank you very much. Right, here's what the finalists look like.

That's Taylor, I think that's Marco, that might be Mitchell,

and maybe that's Monica.

-What?

-I don't know, it's difficult to tell.

They're all covered in splat juice.

Here's the course in detail.

After struggling through the Dire Mire,

they have to avoid toppling from the Terrifying Ts.

The Scary Go Round then takes them to the Annihilating Arm

and Gruesome Twosome.

The Clobbering Cannons follow.

The Royal Ramps then lead to the Rock Wall,

and above that lies the precious crown.

Tricky, to say the least.

-That's not tricky enough for Splatalot!

-Bring out the defenders.

-All six of them.

-Vane's on the aqualiser.

-Skabb's on goo grenades.

Madeva's on splatzooka.

Faetal and Kookaburra are clobbering and sliming.

And Thorne's on vaporisers.

The attackers line up waiting for the klaxon. And they're off!

Monica's in stripes, Mitchell's in purple, Taylor's in the check,

and Marco is in blue, but they're all going to be mud-coloured soon,

-courtesy of the Dire Mire.

-Mitchell is the first over the barrier,

-but the rest are struggling.

-Peek-a-boo!

Banana-quit! Not sure what Skabb said,

but it translated into a near face splat for Mitchell.

Monica's still at the barrier, but Taylor is at the Ts.

I've got my kitty cat claws!

That extra grip could make all the difference.

Ain't no cheating round here!

Marco also at the Ts.

-He survives the splash, but then the teetering begins...

-Kalamazoo!

Monica's turn now. She's like a zebra crossing.

What?

Back to the game, and Taylor is clawing her way over the Ts.

-Incoming!

-Well, she's getting quite a pelting.

But she's hanging on in there!

And makes it over with all nine lives intact.

Can Marco do the same? He leaps, and he's over too!

She's the first to land, cat-like on the Scary Go Round,

-but Marco is not far behind.

-Taylor's at the Annihilating Arm.

Marco is catching up, but she's over, and moves on to the Gruesome Twosome.

Standing by to leap... Oh!

-And she's hanging on!

-But Thorne vaporises her, and chug water!

I'll be here, Marco!

The defenders are ganging up on Marco. And now here's Mitchell.

-I wondered where he'd got to.

-Yazoo!

Marco goes under the Annihilating Arm.

Very little margin for error there.

He's obviously got a very good eye when it comes to spatial awareness.

Kippers!

But he hasn't got a clue when it comes to splatatial awareness.

Bit like Monica.

So that must be a zebra sploshing.

Ha!

-Sorry. Couldn't let that one go.

-Fair enough.

Mitchell still leaping.

-Mitchell still splashing.

-But Taylor holds on.

She fell off the Gruesome Twosome, remember, so had to start again.

Monica, held up by the Annihilating Arm.

And the defenders see an opportunity for a good splatting.

-Get a grip, Monica!

-Taylor tries the Twosome, and picklesville!

Kitty Cat Taylor has lost her grip!

-You should draw those claws again.

-I've got my kitty cat claws!

Thank you.

Monica takes a leaf out of Marco's book.

-Uh-oh...

-Nanty-glow!

-Looks like she took the wrong leaf.

Taylor gets slimed, and then gets clobbered! Sooty falcon!

Nothing clobbers like a clobber cannon can.

Has Marco learned from that? No!

Nothing clobbers like a clobber cannon can. There, I said it again.

Whacks-a-hatchie! They're splatting all over the place.

And they're not learning from their mistakes. There goes Monica again!

Taylor down the Royal Ramps. Oh, and wound socket!

Well, her kitty cat claws certainly didn't help her out that time.

Guys, can we get these wet?

Great tactics from Marco, he crawls under the cannons.

But Kook has seen him!

Monica now readies herself for the leap onto the Gruesome Twosome,

and she makes it!

-Meanwhile, Taylor is successfully onto the ramps.

-Madeva!

-Let's cross streams!

-Slime from both sides and a faceful of water.

How will Taylor respond?

The claws come out again. What a performance from Taylor!

She leaps for the wall, and klum-kurrorie!

No holding it.

Now, can Marco catch up? He's at the Royal Ramps.

-Oh, he slipped!

-Oh, Buffons McCall!

Surely that's a sending off for Kook?

Monica gets a vaporising, but she just shrugs it off.

Now, what's Kookaburra up to? More slimy shenanigans.

Hold on, stop everything. Thank you.

Now, can anyone see what's wrong with this picture?

Dom, what happens next?

Erm...

Here's a clue.

Here's another clue.

-So..?

-She wins the lottery?

-No, she gets clobbered!

Oh, yes! Seems so obvious now.

Yes, and it's all rounded off with a polite handshake from Kookaburra

and Faetal.

Not at all awkward.

Oh, and the clobbering continues - down goes Mitchell.

Back to Taylor, she's at the Rock Wall again.

How many kitty cat lives has she got left?

She leaps... And this time she makes it!

The defenders are throwing everything they've got at her now.

But it's too late, because she's at the top of the wall,

and Taylor claims the crown!

Yes, Taylor is officially the top cat in Splatalot!

What a great final! And what a worthy champion Queen Taylor is.

-Yeah, mate, can you remind

-meow

-she did it?

Yes, in the final, she was strong, agile, and above... Look!

-Do you want another splat in the face?

-No.

-Can I have a Splat of the Day instead?

-Yes, please.

And it came from Monica in the Moat Challenge.

It was like a game of hokey cokey on the Battleaxes.

The poor girl put her left leg in, her left leg out,

then she got shaken all about.

-Yep,

-splat's

-what it's all about!

BOTH: Oi!

Now let's celebrate the journey of our new queen.

After winning the Moat Challenge, Taylor found Round Two much harder,

and had to make do with second place,

but she returned to form in the final,

and despite not having it all her own way,

she fought tooth, nail and claw for that kitty cat crown.

My first act as Queen of Splatalot is to have one of you

thrown into the moat.

Unfortunately, I can't have all of you, so I chose you, Skabb.

Great choice, cos he's dirty. He is dirty.

Well, Taylor looks like the cat who got the cream.

And Skabb looks like the cat who's going to get catapulted.

Yeah, well...

We'll have plenty more thrills, spills and splats for you next time.

But for now, we'll leave you with our favourite part of the show,

-the splatapult ceremony.

-Take it away, Skabb.

I can see the castle!

Thank you, Skabb, so, splat fans,

-until we meet again...

-BOTH: Keep splatting!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd