Episode 9 Splatalot

It's splat time!

Yes, welcome to Splatalot -

the magical, messy kingdom where ten brave young warriors

go head-to-head with those despicable defenders

as they compete to capture the much-treasured Splatalot crown.

OK, that's cool. No, it's not!

Can the defenders keep the castle safe from the attackers

or will our young warriors find a true champion to rule the kingdom?

Oh, I love my job.

One thing is for sure, there will be the odd tumble,

the occasional tilt, a hint of teeter and a whole load of splat.

-Hello, I'm Dick.

-I'm Dom.

-And this is Splatalot.

-That's right.

Not splat a little or splat a medium amount. It's Splatalot.

Yes, and you won't find another show with more splats per minute

or more splats per square centimetre.

And that is because of the three amazing courses

that are located in the castle grounds.

All ten attackers will attempt to cross the merciless moat.

The fastest six well then try to Ditch The Dungeon

but only four will survive.

They will head to the final and, after a huge splat battle,

one worthy attacker will emerge with the Splatalot crown.

Let's take a closer look at that first round.

The moat challenge starts with the splatapult.

Which hurls the attackers up in the air

and towards this target in the moat.

Then it is up the slippery slope and onto the mace.

The spikes and blades look simply divine in the sunshine.

Then it's down the impossible incline and onto the beastly battle-axes.

And to ensure we get our fair share of splats,

the water blast is on stand by.

The wobbly bridge of disaster follows,

which has to be crossed in order to reach

the even wobblier wavering warhead,

the final obstacle before the finish line

and a well-earned breather.

It's pretty exhausting just describing it.

Well, there is no time to rest just yet

cos we have got the you-know-whos to introduce.

Oh, yes, I do know whos.

The defenders. All six will be featuring in the final

but defending the moat we have this terrifying trio.

The feather-flaunting taunter Kookaburra.

The scary, single-minded, straight talking splat-meister Skabb.

And, finally, the knight who makes our day, Madeva.

Oh, splat no!

I'm going to make you my little bwazzo!

What were you saying at the end there? Cross... Crass...

-Bwazzo.

-Wax on?

-Wah?

Yeah, she might make our day but she is not exactly clear as day.

All right, let's do this.

So, Kook's on the aqualizer, Madeva's on the hand-held splatzooka

and Skabb's on the big daddy splatzooka.

Here is attacker number one, Emily.

I didn't know there was water involved.

-OK, let's call the whole thing off.

-Too late.

Grobby fish tank!

Let's capture that moment

when aspiring model Emily spots the water.

There it is.

And there's the water.

Hey, Emily, camera's right here.

Tinkering oaf!

Well, it didn't take Skabb long to find his aim.

Looks like Emily didn't know there were going to be splats either.

Down the incline and, oh, yester-dangle!

Not exactly her finest moment.

Unless she wanted to be in Bad Balance Weekly,

my favourite mag.

I thought you subscribed to Bad Gag Daily.

Back to Emily at the bridge, which Kook is guarding.

This is going to be a splat-walk.

I want you to show me a little something.

Right leg, left leg, right leg, left leg, that's it.

Oh, slippy, grippy... splatty!

-Here's another one for you.

-Please, don't.

Look, she is on the front cover of Splattery Fair.

And here is her photo finish.

5.36 should see Emily through to Round Two.

Pablo is named after apples.

Oh, what is that under Collin's nose?

It's all right, I don't think anyone's noticed.

Collin, I moustache you a question.

Or shall I shave it for later?

Do you still think no-one's noticed?

Maybe just Skabb. Collin, down the incline.

He is for the axes but... provisional Plunkett!

Something tells me that didn't go to plan.

Collin overbalanced and reached out for some help

but the battle-axes aren't really helpful type.

But he is back up and ready to try again.

Hey, Collin, look at me. Oh! Oh!

Oh, dear. Madeva is starting with the tache taunts.

I'm sure Collin will just turn his nose up at her.

Blobby porridge!

That was an amazing splat.

He tried to ignore Madeva's moustache mischief

-but then it all just got a bit hairy.

-Don't you start.

The poor lad has just done an incredible cartwheel into the moat.

Give him a break.

It like to but I don't think that time of 9.07 will cut it.

Well, at least that might mean he won't have to suffer any more

bad tache attacks.

I quite liked the boy. He had style.

Thanks, Kookaburra. Can we move on, please?

Here is our next splatapulting attacker, Summer.

Destroy you!

Destroy you?

That's not exactly my idea of a typical summer.

Oh, jam-jam kisser!

That's more like it. Now we have got a wet summer.

The replay shows just what those spikes on the mace are for.

They're trip, slip, splat hazards.

Yes, everything on this course

is designed to keep the splat count high.

On to the bridge of disaster now. Will she destroy it?

Starts slowly and steadily but ends splattily.

Your parents should have called you Fall, not Summer.

I think she means fall as in autumn. Or fall as in aw-fall joke.

Either way, Summer has managed to spring over the finish line

but she won't win-ter-day with that time of 8.41.

Your half-baked jokes really need some seasoning.

Poopsie corn!

Nic wants to be a director.

Films or traffic?

Hello, Nic. I would like to audition for you.

You be Romeo, I'll be Juliet.

Romeo, Romeo, you're so handsome.

I like your helmet.

Kook's gone a bit off script.

Your line. You missed your line.

Kook's improvised audition seems to have thrown Nic completely.

Script! We'll go from the top.

No, Kook, we'll cut to the credits.

Not quite star billing for Nic but 7.08 night be good enough.

I don't have a war cry.

Oh, that is a very clever war cry, Jordan.

No, didn't you hear him? He said he didn't have one.

Pull!

Jordan flies, Skabb fires and the slimeball misses. Unusual.

-Skabb is not doing very well today, Madeva.

-You wasn't even close.

But it wasn't that easy a splat. I'm sure... Oh, missed again.

-What have you got to say about that, Skabb?

-Aargh!

Jordan is at the axes but still within Skabb's range.

Aaargh! Aw!

-I quit. I give up.

-I don't think he meant that, Skabb fans.

Are there any Skabb fans?

-Jordan's down.

-No more defending for me. Time out. No more.

Well, a double whammy.

Skabb has quit and Jordan is the fastest so far.

Come on, Jordan, show me how you get down.

He may be the fastest but I don't think he is the grooviest.

Now he is the gooiest.

So, halfway and Jordan leads with 3.17,

followed by Emily, Nic, Summer and Collin,

who is in fifth place with 9.07.

-Aargh!

-Here, what was that?

Oh, look, it's Skabb on the splatzooka. Whoa!

You know, it's a shame he has quit. I'm really going to miss him.

-Yeah.

-Ooh!

He's not exactly missing you, is he?

So, can the next five attackers do better than the first five?

And who is going to replace Skabb? Only Splatalot has the answers.

So, we're halfway through Round One.

Six attackers will progress to the next stage.

With only five more to come,

we can safely say that our current leader Jordan has already qualified.

But, as we can see, that hasn't been the only talking point as

Skabb has left the show.

Yeah, and I, for one, will be glad to see the back of him.

-What about the front of him? Aargh!

-Aargh! Skabb!

Mr Skabb, to you.

Mr Skabb, we thought you had quit the show.

Yes, but now I'm un-quitting.

When I saw your earlier, I thought, "OK, one last splat then I'll go."

But then I realised I was born to do this so I am back.

Skabb rules! Aaargh!

Well, that was the shortest resignation in history.

-Aargh!

-Oh!

Time for the leaderboard, I think.

Jordan is safely through to the next round with 3.17

but all Emily, Nic, Summer and Collin can do is wait to see

if their times are going to be good enough.

The defenders are out on the moat.

Kook's on the aqualizer, Madeva's on the slimy slicer,

and look who it is back on the splatzooka.

Here's Mai.

Let's get this party started!

Over to you, Skabb.

Pull!

Finally. There we go.

Ah, Skabb is back in the zone. Great.

Hey, you should take all the credit for his return to form.

If he hadn't used you for target practice,

-he might have left the show.

-Please don't mention it ever again.

Me father!

Oh, and another me father!

I don't believe it, a third me father!

A fourth me father and here goes another - a fifth me father.

Have we finished now with the me fathers?

Yes, absolutely, we have finished now. Me father!

Oh, and after all that me fathering,

Mai might be in a little bit of trouble with that time of 10:43.

Have some of that, Mai.

The next attacker, Tyrell, is already on the mace.

Sorry, no, already off the mace.

Here is his battle cry.

I like trains.

-I like drains?

-I like trains.

-Good for you.

But why does Tyrell like drains?

Madeva. Yeah. This train has only one stop and that is splat town.

Swut-nuts!

On the money.

Tyrell decides to get out of splat town on the incline express

but...sweet baby flip-flops!

Yes, sadly for Tyrell, the incline express was heading

directly for moatsville which is a place none of us want to visit.

But with that excellent time of 4.15,

Tyrell will be a paying a visit to Round Two.

Here's our next attacker, Alanna.

I'm the queen of the castle and you're the dirty rascals!

How rude. But accurate.

Alana's got the battleaxes and Madeva to contend with.

You know what that is, girl? That is my limeade.

Surely she means slimeade.

When life gives you lemons, make limeade, child.

Or, when life gives you Madeva, make for the moat.

Yes, with Madeva making no sense whatsoever,

-Alanna decides the safest place is underwater.

-She's soon back up.

-G'day, gorgeous. You look great in purple.

-Thank you.

-How do I look?

Green isn't your colour.

OK, that's cool. No, it's not!

Oh, Kook's not happy and that results in a trip to the moat.

So close yet so far. You should have been nice to me.

It's not her job to be nice to you, Kook.

It's her job to make it to Round Two and with 4.45 she has.

Nice one, Alanna.

My green is better than Kook's!

Easy, Victoria, Kook's not in a good mood right now.

Great take-off from the splatapult.

Not too sure about the landing, though.

G'day, Vicky. You know, Vicky,

I found all the best things in life are green.

Am I right? Me, broccoli, what else?

You, trees, boogers.

Boogers? Kook, of course, means...

BOTH: Bogies!

Hang on, if I quickly draw a nose here

then look what Vicky becomes.

Atchoo!

Disgusting!

Back to Victoria and 8.17 could be good enough to qualify.

Let's have some victory goo then.

Blue? What is good that's blue?

What did you say?

Awkward.

Here is our final attacker Joshua, who survives one slip on the mace

but not the next.

Punky-boo-boo!

Mashed potatoes!

If that battle cry doesn't terrify the defenders,

I don't know what will.

When he's not being splatted, Joshua builds computers.

Oh, why did you say computers? We've crashed.

Might I suggest control alt delete?

-OK, Skabb. Control alt delete.

-No, don't! Oh, great.

You've gone all blurry, you're all pixelated. Change your resolution.

-We can't see anything.

-How do we do that?

-I don't know.

-Kook?

Go to settings and go to functions.

Control tab escape.

Are you double clicking?

-No.

-That's the problem.

Ah. Oh.

What a way to reboot. Poor young Joshua had been left hanging

but when the game restarted, he was left in a 360 spin, slip, splat.

And, despite all the technical glitches,

Joshua completed the course in 6.22.

So, what does alt shift escape do?

Ah, now I know.

So, Round One is complete and the six fastest attackers are Jordan,

Tyrell, Alanna,

Emily, Joshua

and Nic.

Right, we'd better get this fixed before Round Two. Not you as well.

Sorry, he appears to be buffering.

OK, well, I'm sure the normal service of slips, splats

and balls of doom will resume right after we get onto the IT helpline.

Luvvie, luvvie, don't worry,

-they're sending over a computer boffin right now.

-Good day, sir.

-Ah, about time.

-How can I be of service?

-It's my friend.

-He is buffering.

-Maybe you have insufficient bandwidth.

Have you, per chance, contacted your Internet service provider?

We haven't got any time. Look, we are making a TV show.

-Is there anything you can do right now?

-Might I suggest the following?

-Would you mind awfully?

-What? Oh.

Aaargh!

Get off!

-Oh, that's brilliant.

-Thank you.

Before you go, is there anything you can do about this?

Have you tried turning it off and on again? Good day to you.

-Very familiar, that fellow.

-Right, where were we?

Oh, yes, time to look at the leaderboard.

So, let's reveal the course that stands between them and the final.

It's called Ditch The Dungeon and this is how it works.

Before ascending the loathsome ladder, the attackers must escape

the stock market and then make their way over the slippery splat-walk.

It is then time to climb that ladder and escape the dungeon.

But in their way will be three defenders

with a host of slimy weaponry.

They will be trying to stop the attackers escaping the dungeon

and claiming one of four flags, each representing a place in the final.

Now, the defenders had quite a first round.

First, threats of resignation and then a computer master class.

So, what will the next three bring to the table?

Well, this guy normally brings a snack, it's...

Vane.

Then we have smiley on the outside, slimy on the inside...

Faetal.

And finally, he's pricklier than

a porcupine eating an unpeeled pineapple...

Thorne!

-Time to defend!

-Oi!

Did you say soy?

Well, they look about as ready as they'll ever be.

In the stock market, we have Jordan, Tyrell,

Nic, Alanna, Josh and Emily. All ready to go.

Thorne is also ready,

Faetal is as keen as ever and even Vane looks focused.

KLAXON BLARES

And they're off. The attackers break free and Thorne starts frothing.

They now force the gates open and the splat-walk awaits.

You know what they say about me, kids. I'm bad to the foam.

I think that's Tyrell.

Tyrell, slow down, man, what are you doing?

Tyrell has made a good start but that's just drawn attention to him

and that is the last thing he wants.

It is probably the last thing the other attackers want either.

See what I mean?

Yes, they are directly in his splat-stream, so to speak.

And Tyrell has no choice but to take them all on a trip to the moat.

Splat-stream - I like it.

But slipstream also works pretty well on this course.

-Emily, what is that smell your wearing?

-I smell good, OK.

-How is this for being fragrant?

-Prawn-sniff!

Thorne goos Emily but she stands firm.

Unlike the rest, who all cascade back down the loathsome ladder.

Faetal now tries to dislodge her.

Oh, no, not my face.

This time, Emily can't hold on and down she goes,

joining Jordan in the bilge.

Let's recapture the moment for her.

Smiley, slippy, slidey, splatty, moaty.

Joshua climbs but he has lost his grip and he takes Jordan with him.

Jordan just can't keep out the water.

Tyrell, making steady progress.

Tyrell, have I got a ball for you?

Oh, no, it's the...

BOTH: Ball of doom!

Ooh-ooh!

But the doom ball express hasn't derailed Tyrell.

Tyrell!

Slow down, bro, this isn't a race.

It is to me.

-Well said, Tyrell.

-Of course it's a race, Vane.

Faetal now using the pokey pike, which, I have to say,

I don't agree with. And poor Tyrell is back where he started.

Emily and Josh take the lead. Oh, but Josh is down.

And he collides with Nic.

Yes, Joshua slips but I think Faetal's slimeball was

heading for him anyway.

And then the unsuspecting Nic gets caught up

in Joshua's downward journey.

Get another ball of doom, Faetal.

Do these things just grow on trees?

BOTH: Ball of doom!

Emily, I'm just trying to hold you off, you stink!

Vane's taunts and splats have no impact on Emily.

But they do on Jordan.

And he, in turn, takes out Alanna and almost Joshua as well.

Whoa, good leap from Josh to avoid the oncoming splat.

Emily is almost at the top.

Oh, but that extra surge of water stops her.

Oh, I love my job.

I don't get paid but I love it.

It is Jordan's job to get the top of the dungeon.

But just look at this water and now slime too.

He slips and there he goes.

In fact, it's a Splatalot. All of the attackers are down.

You guys are doing great. The point is to take as long as possible.

Faetal, you're not helping.

Nic is now in the lead, followed by Alanna.

Once again, they are blasted and soaked with slime.

Faetal resorts to the pokey pike again

but she can't stop both of them and Alanna's through.

Yes, Alanna is our first finalist. And Nic also makes it across.

The defenders are in disarray as Tyrell makes his move.

But he slips, leaving Emily and Jordan to claim the last two places.

-Poor Tyrell, so close.

-And that is it.

We have our four finalists so Round Two is complete.

Thorne smells defeat.

And Josh is off his feet as he takes the slide of a shame.

They have every right to be happy.

You have got to feel sorry for the losers, though.

Especially Tyrell.

So, let's get confirmation of that result on our leaderboard.

Our four finalists today are

Alanna, Nic, Emily and Jordan.

-What a great round.

-I've still got a problem with that pokey pike.

It gives the defenders an unfair advantage.

As opposed to the slime, water torrents and balls of doom?

-Fair point.

-Well, actually, it's an unfair point. That's my point.

I mean, what is fair about the final round?

The odds are stacked heavily against the attackers

but I think that just makes them even more heroic.

OK, it is time for a splat stat attack. Take it away, you.

Emily and Nic have the worst records going into the final, with

Emily just slightly ahead. But Alanna and Jordan can't be separated.

They have both won a round and they have both finished third,

-making them joint favourites.

-How exciting.

I'll tell you what, I will cheer on Alanna and you can support Jordan.

-All right. Pie in the face for the loser.

-OK. Deal.

OK, so our finalists, once again are:

Four brave and bold attackers

but there can be only one winner.

-You say can only be one winner.

-Yes, I just did.

But what if no-one manages to finish?

Then, I suppose, technically, the defenders will have won

so, one way or another, there will definitely be a winner.

Can you imagine how smug they'd be if they did win?

Oh, please, they wouldn't stop going on about it for weeks.

It would be terrible. All six defend the final course,

which looks like this.

Surprise! Yes, the final is at night.

Which is great for two reasons.

The course looks amazing plus it is way past our bedtimes.

The attackers start in the dire mire,

home of the barrier of all barriers.

Then it is a teetering trip across those terrifying Ts,

which are a hop, step and splat away from the spinning scary-go-round.

Once on board, the attackers have to get up

and over the annihilating arm before landing on the gruesome twosome.

Then they have to tiptoe carefully past the incredibly crafty

clobbering cannons and head down the royal ramps.

The slippery rock wall is then all that stands between Alanna

-and the majestic Splatalot crown.

-I think you mean Jordan.

To be fair, there are four finalists. And here they are.

Jordan is in orange,

Emily is in pink,

Nic's in the green and yellow

and Alanna's in purple.

The defenders are prepping their weapons.

-Hang on, who's that with Faetal?

-He looks familiar.

But the final's under way.

Through the moat mist, the attackers approach the dire mire.

Emily is first over the barrier.

Nic's not far behind but the others are struggling.

Emily has the early lead.

Emily, you have to do a splat-walk across the Ts.

-It's all in the hips, girl!

-Like this.

-It's all in your hips.

Emily needs to ignore all that nonsense.

Gravity limpet!

Nic's turn. Well, that didn't last long.

Here's Jordan and he bravely leaps and boldly splats.

Finally, Alanna has a go.

Oh, hopple-jeff!

Well, all four attackers have tackled the Ts but no-one's triumphed yet.

That was a pretty triumphant splat, though, from Alanna.

Jordan tries again. This looks promising and, yes, he is over.

Alanna is hot on his heels but she can't follow in his footsteps.

My, these attackers are taking their fair time.

-Isn't that right, Faetal?

-Skabb, why do you have a moustache on?

Oh, no, no, no. By day, I am Skabb. By night, I am Skabbington.

-Hey, that is the guy who fixed you earlier.

-Chortle, chortle.

I like him.

Well, Skabbington has allowed Alanna over the Ts.

And Nic's at the annihilating arm.

-Are you going to defend like Skabb?

-Absolutely, my dear.

He's more polite than Skabb. What's his aim like, though?

Incoming!

Shepton Mallet! Just the same. And Nic lands in the moat.

Emily just about makes it over the Ts.

So, with all four attackers over, this final is still wide open.

Alanna's at the annihilating arm.

She grabs hold of it and now she needs to climb over.

But no, she is moatward bound.

Oh, and Jordan is also blocked by the arm.

-Do you get anything for a pair in this game?

-No.

Emily's turn to try the arm.

She leaps and now sort of hangs on

and now sort of slips and splats.

If you look at those splats from another angle,

we can see our three attackers who are about to deal with the arm.

Alanna gets the elbow and, almost immediately,

Jordan is dealt with in the same offhand manner.

And finally, Emily's given the cold shoulder and a cold bath, to boot.

Well, this is a rare moment on Splatalot.

All four attackers are on the scary-go-round at the same time

There must be 50 ways to splat your attacker.

Thorne's let loose with the vaporisers.

Nic leaps and...bang-widget!

Jordan's next. That fog won't help. Oh, no, he's down too.

Hello, sir, I'm terribly sorry.

Nic gets a well-mannered goo grenade from Skabbington.

Alanna's turn now on the gruesome twosome.

No, she will have to try again after Emily has had her go.

Hello, sir. Goodbye.

Well, that wasn't very gentlemanly, was it?

Here is Emily. Gorgonzola-bud!

Well, Emily landed on her own two feet which, in this instance,

was probably the worst thing to do. Or the best, if you are a splat fan.

Good point.

Anyway, she has moved on to the clobbering cannons.

-Aaargh!

-What was that?

For a moment there it was like Skabb was back on the course.

Emily is now in the lead. She takes a leap and is on to the royal ramps.

It's time for your late-night snack.

Thanks, Vane.

-Emily's really paying the price for being out in front.

-Sink plunger!

Alanna is clobbered!

-Emily is about to leap onto the rock wall.

-And, yes, she has made it.

She is a short but slippery climb away from victory.

Give me, like, an angry tiger.

Brilliant, Emily, but don't listen to Kook, he's trying to put you off.

Hey, here comes my man Jordan. This final is not over yet.

Remember, if he wins, you get pied!

Well, my girl Alanna is still in the game too.

Look, she's on the ramps.

-Yeah!

-Give me one more wave to the camera, girl. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that could be the first royal wave of our new queen,

-captured for posterity.

-It is. Emily is over.

And the crown is in the hands and we have a new Queen of Splatalot.

Lord Skabbington approves. And Kook's still taking photos.

Smile, Your Majesty. Lovely.

Well played to the brave attackers

but they lost to a young lady who simply refused to give up.

Yeah, Queen Emily defeated all,

including our joint favourites Jordan and Alana.

Which means she rules the kingdom.

She does. But who rules the splats?

Our splat of the day comes from Collin.

Back in Round One, the battle-axes bamboozled him

-so much that he ended up head over heels in the moat.

-Thanks, Collin.

You may not have won Splatalot, but you are a winner to us.

Talking of winners, I suppose we just forget

all about our little Jordan/Alanna pie challenge, eh?

Ahem.

Sorry, chaps, you both lost. Here is Emily's journey to the crown.

Toodle-pip!

Her journey didn't start too well.

I didn't know there was water involved.

But she soon became best friends with the moat

and even took a shine to the slime.

She only just scraped through in Round Two,

finishing equal third and was also a slow starter in the final.

But she dug deep and made it to the rock wall first and,

after that, she was picture perfect.

All hail Queen Emily.

My first act as Queen of Splatalot

is to throw one of you into the swamp.

I wish I could do it to all of you but, tonight, it is

going to be you, Skabb.

-Who's Skabb?

-Where is he?

-Hold on a second.

-Skabb!

Skabbington was Skabb all along.

-I feel such a fool.

-It was that cunning disguise.

We'll have plenty more splats for you next time, but for now

we will leave you with Skabb on the scary-go-round.

Chortle, chortle, tsk, tsk!

If he had behaved more like Skabbington

then maybe he wouldn't have been picked.

Skabb rules!

-We'll seen you soon.

-But, until then...

BOTH: Keep splatting!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd