King Mitchell Strange Hill High

SPOOKY LAUGH

# Creepy ain't the word, freaky ain't the word, sneaky ain't the word

# See what I've observed

# As there's no easy way to describe this geeky place

# Even geeky place doesn't tell you what I need to say

# This is Strange Hill, where a talking frog can eat your face!

# It's very, very random You'll get use to these debates

# If you stick around Although I wouldn't recommend it

# When they use the name "Strange" Mate they really meant it!

# There's some things in life in which you just don't mess

# On every vest, I got the letters SOS

# Cos you never know what might be lurking round the corner

# And what it might do if it ever found or saw you

# Keep the lights on in the hallways all day

# Things won't always tend to go your way

# Watch your back, and be prepared Can't wait for 3:30

# See you there. #

SCHOOL BELL

Ahhhhhh!

Uh, uh, uh! I touched the toilet!

My exposed wrist brushed the rim of the bowl!

Templeton, when you use the toilet, your skin touches it anyway.

Oh, no. I do everything standing from a distance. Everything.

Well, how much more do you have to clean?

All of it! That's what the producers of the show said.

What producers of what show said what what?

This morning I was late for Science class.

Science class was yesterday.

I was VERY late!

I ran past one of those hidden cameras,

and one of the producers called out and selected me

for the next challenge.

You there! No running!

Report for toilet duty!

Templeton, those aren't hidden cameras

and this is not a reality show.

You got caught running by Miss Grimshaw

and now you're being punished.

Millions of viewers are counting on me.

Yeah, T - this is a school. We're students.

You're trying to get me voted off, aren't you? Crafty!

But I'm not going to fall for it and look foolish.

These toilets hold no fear for Templeton.

Whatever the case, could you hurry?

I want to bust some tricks on my new skateboard.

Shouldn't you be doing your woodwork project?

This IS my woodwork project.

-Amazing!

-Pretty nice crosscutting and flitching for someone who

doesn't even know what that means.

I mean it's amazing that you actually finished a project on time.

Ahh, ahh, ahh!

For once, I'm going to hand something in on time

and nothing's going to stop me.

Ahh, aah!

-Uh!

-Mitchell. Becky. So nice to run into you.

I'd have preferred to run over you.

I've got a problem. I've got a woodwork deadline.

And I ain't got no woodwork.

So I got thinkin' - who'd have some woodwork?

Er, Woody?

-Who's Woody?

-Woody the woodwork worker.

Would Woody have some woodwork?

I dunno, would he?

Are you mocking me?

Yeah.

I'll make this simple. Becky, gimme your woodwork project.

What's that?

It's a wooden sweater.

I'm going to take it from you, though I do have a

number of comments about who would ever wear such a thing

and the stupidity of even making such a thing in the first place.

But look at all that fine crosscutting and flitching.

Oof!

-Run, Becks!

-Nobody hits me with a wooden sweater and gets away with it.

So you've been hit in the face with a wooden sweater a lot?

That would explain things.

Wheurgh!

Argh!

Er-er-er-er-er-er-er!

Oh, no! Are you all right?

I never meant for you to get hurt.

-I'm so sorry.

-Oooooh!

Oh, you poor thing!

Ooh, you got a nasty crack there.

Hang on. There's something under here.

Tyson, give me your head. I need to chip more plaster off.

Don't take advantage of me.

It's a door! Oh, I love doors even more than walls!

Sorry, wall, no offence.

Ooh!

Toilet...

of the gods!

Ew! What is that stuff?

Whatever it is, it's going to take me ages to scrub it off.

Oh!

Ahhh, ahh, aahhhhhh!

Templeton! Are you OK?!

I'm just milking it for sympathy.

The public will lap this up.

I'll be on the show for weeks! Ahhh!

You, sir, are the king of tables.

And you've just given me a really sweet idea.

HE HUMS

Oooh! Hello, handsome.

May I say you look...yeuch!

That weird boy was supposed to clean up!

Where'd that weirdie go? Oh, weird boy!

RUMBLING

If this is the Bathroom Bully, I paid you off, remember?

Tanner! What are you doing in here?

I...er...needed a wee?

-With a table?

-It's a nice table.

And you thought you'd drag it about in the toilets?

Well, it won't fit in my bag.

Why have you got a table?

It's my woodwork project.

You want me to believe that you made an antique gold-inlayed oaken table?

No, I want my woodwork teacher to believe that.

That's not your table.

-It so is.

-It so isn't.

-Ya-ha.

-No-ha.

Sir, I SWEAR that I made this table.

And that I, Mitchell Tanner, am its one true owner.

It is supposed to do that. It's a traditional singing table.

You know about those, right?

Er, yes, of course.

Ahhhh... ahhhh, ahhhh, ahh, AHHH!

Oooh! Ahhhhhhhhh!

Ooooooooooh!

He's going to be a tough competitor.

Aaahhhhhh! That's the singing noise still happening.

There better not be anything strange going on here, Tanner.

-Aaaaaaaahhhh...

-Because if I hear of any...

irregular goings-on, you'll be joining that weird boy

and cleaning out u-bends with this.

Errr, oooh...duh...!

Gnnnhhhhh!

Or a similar product. So watch it.

I'm not a fool who falls for anything.

It has to be really good.

Huh, huh, huh!

-Huh, uh...!

-Whoa!

You!

Argh!

My Lord, through untold eons you have returned!

Deliver us from the powers of darkness!

-Uh?

-Over oceans of uncertainty, rushing rivers of doubt,

and sewers of disappointment, your coming has wiped free my torment.

You what?

I swear fealty to thee, King of all Britain, whose hand

and oath awoke the power of the Round Table!

Oh, right, this is to do with the table thing?

He who owns the Round Table is my master.

OK. Hi.

They just keep throwing twists at us, don't they?

I bet this knight is really a celebrity!

C'mon, take off your helmet... Jamie Oliver!

I am Sir Bogivere, Guardian of the Foul Latrine.

What would you have me do, O King?

You mean I can...?

-Yes.

-And you'll do whatever I...?

-Yes.

-OK. Let's take this for a test drive.

MUSIC STARTS

# Let me see you shake now... #

MUSIC STOPS

So you really will do anything I say.

You are my king.

(Now might be a good time to tell him you're not a king.)

(Or it could be the worst possible time.)

(We'll only know later on. With hindsight.)

(When it's too late.)

Sir Knight, as your king, I command you to...

Er, I dunno.

Um. What sort of services do you offer?

Do you have a brochure?

I know naught of this brochure of which you speak.

I know only that I would lay down my life to protect you.

Cool. Can you do algebra?

You have fifteen minutes to complete your exam.

Ugh, this test is killing me.

"X 4 plus 7 X plus 12 X 2."

What wicked wizardry is this?

You dare assault my liege with your diabolical incantations?

ALARM SOUNDS

I slew the electric snake that held its spell over this vile box!

Um, OK.

I need a vacation.

-ALL:

-Hurray!

-Uh!

-Nobody makes me accidentally step on a skateboard.

-I did.

-You think you're so special with your magical knight,

like you rule the school.

No way. You ain't the King of Bling, that's my thing, yo!

Listen up.

You caused my mate here considerable embarrassment what

with his foolish head-smack into the toilet wall - ha ha!

Nice!

So the second your Sir Frootypants ain't around, you're going to get it.

From us, collectively, innit?

Are you quite done yet?

Just a second. YO!

OK, we're done.

Good. Speaking of which, O good Sir Knight?

-Uh-oh.

-Charge!

Wahhhh!

Wahhhh!

Charge!

No jousting!

Wahhhh!

Heh, heh, heh!

That oughta hold them for a while.

-The blaggards!

-Sire, if I may?

Beseech.

I was tasked with guarding the ancient latrine for all eternity

and now that I'm merely in the antechamber,

separated from my duty...

-Heh-heh!

-..I fear most loathsome things could happen.

Tyson's already loathsome, so I wouldn't worry.

But the latrine empties into the Well of Despair, which washes into

the River of Agony, flows across the Aqueduct of Unpleasantness

and deposits everything into the Pit of Eternal Damnation!

-And?

-Well, that's pretty bad.

Meh. I'm sure those guys can handle it.

Just keep your eyes on that door.

SPLASH

SPLASH

MUSIC

Mmmm...ah!

Good Sir Knight? Be a dear and hand me my drink.

It troubles me, Sire, that these quests you have tasked me with

have been lacking a certain gravitas.

Which is why, for your next quest, I'd like you to...

iron my socks. My royal feet feel most untoasty.

Oh, hey-ho...

Tanner!

Uh, better leave this one to me.

Perhaps you'd care to explain this!

"Until further notice, all gym classes have been cancelled,

"by express order of King Mitchell."

Seems like a pretty clear decree to me.

Decree? King Mitchell? Is that what they're calling you now?

Well, you can call me

Your Highness, Your Majesty, Bonnie King Mitch.

-I'm not picky.

-I'll call your mother if you don't straighten up!

Oh, I wouldn't disturb the Queen Mum if I were you.

You and your weird friend better have that lavatory

sparkling by the end of break.

Do you understand?

We do. And by that, I mean the royal we.

Ha ha ha! Royal we...!

The end of break, Mitchell. It better be clean.

Who be that foul wizard who plagues my king?

He's no wizard. He's the headmaster.

A mere headmaster dares to plague my liege?

Why does the King not smite him where he stands?

Well, y'know, Mitchell's not that into...smiting.

Then I shall smite him myself!

Tis my duty!

Er...he's not the king!

What?

Um. He's not the king. He just kind of lied.

But it's understandable - it's not every day a medieval knight

comes back to life and does silly things for a bunch of school kids.

He is not the king?

Then if he is no king,

who then are the brave knights who guard the ancient evil in my stead?

Brave what's-who guard the who-do?

This goes way beyond anything we deserve!

-Uh, uh...

-Are you OK? You're looking a little...

seethy?

Betrayed! By a boy of 12!

Oh, this is not going to look good at the next Round Table meeting.

The latrine is unguarded! To the toilet!

-Whoa!

-I think I'm going to be voting him off next.

He's weird.

Sir Bogivere? Hello?

I need you to clean some toilets for me?

Cleany-wipey?

-Wah-ha!

-What's that?

Wah-ha!

Waahhaa!

Stand and face me, false king!

-Uh-oh...

-You have lied to me. My honour is besmirched!

Maybe I could clean it up?

The only restitution I require is that you meet me in combat!

Is that the trouser shop in town?

You will join me in battle, sir!

I'd love to fight,

but I'm a really busy false king with a lot of toilets to clean.

I haven't got a minute to spare.

I have something which may change your mind.

Mitchell, help! This cage stinks!

Well, for 500 years, it contained the Ogre of Vileness

until he dissolved into a puddle of...

vileness. He was a good friend.

And now you will fight me for the freedom of your lady.

Lose, and she will join me as a guardian of the ancient lavvy

for all eternity!

Right, well, she's not strictly speaking my lady. Or a lady.

-Mitchell!

-Fight me, sir! I would relish a companion in there.

Eternity is more tedious than people think.

OK! I'll fight you.

But these days we don't fight with swords.

ARGH!

Please, Mr Tentacles!

It gave me a diabolical swirly!

Draw!

Two scissors! Draw!

Rock blunts scissors! Sir Bogivere wins!

If he gets one more point, he's the winner!

Don't draw scissors again, Mitchell. He'll be expecting it.

Yeah. Only a madman would draw scissors three times.

Mitchell - no!

Scissors cut paper! Mitchell wins!

Let's finish this.

Aaaaaaaagh!

Aaaaaaaagh! Wahhhhhhh!

We've awoken He Who Cannot Be Flushed!

-He's bad?

-He is the accumulation of 1,000 years of foulness.

Plus the occasional peanut.

Ah-hah!

Two scissors! Draw!

Maybe you should concentrate on the evil tentacles for a minute?

Ahhhhh!

The lady Becky is mine! You can't keep drawing scissors!

You don't have the nerve.

Want to bet?

SCHOOL BELL

The end of break!

That lavatory better be clean or Tanner's going to get it.

Hmph! Either way, I'm happy.

Argh!

Templeton, it's the end of break!

And the End of Times! It has been prophesied!

Uh, yeah, whatever.

But right now, we've got to do something about Abercrombie.

Go out there and stall him!

Who's Abercrombie?

Our headmas... Uh, the head producer.

Oh, the host of the show! Mr Abercrombie!

Yes! Whatever! Go!

Argh! D'ah!

Mr Abercrombie! How are you?

You know, it's funny - I've been on this show all these years...

-Show?

-..and I didn't know your name until today.

You know MY name, right?

Yes. Of course I do! It's, uh, something-blankelmeyer, right?

N-o-o.

Argh!

Scissors cut paper! Bogivere wins!

Lady Becky is mine!

Help!

I said she's mine! Arrrrghh!

Help!

Bitzleberg? Something nerdy. Not that I really care.

Now, get out of my way.

Wait. You haven't seen my... dance!

MUSIC STARTS

It's no use! It's stuck on!

No-one can pull the disinfectant from the shelf!

Yes!

BOOMING VOICE: Excalibur!

Legendary cleaning power!

Uh-huh! Uhhh!

Uhhhhhhhhh!

Ahhhh...Mummy...

Uhhhhh, oh!

Help m-e-e-e-e! Argh!

Huh! Let's clean up.

Hah!

You're looking a little...flushed.

Aaaah!

BELCHING

Burp!

Look out!

D'ahhhhhh!

Forgive me for doubting thee, Sire.

Only a true king could draw Excalibur from the caked-on,

impossible-to-get-rid-of muck.

Actually, I meant to ask - who told you I wasn't a king, anyway?

Close the lid! Uh!

Men!

No-one's going to vote me off after this!

SHOUTING

He's coming in!

THEY GASP

Oh. My. Goodness!

I've never seen such a clean lavatory.

Well, I suppose it'll have to do.

We've won the task! We're safe for one more week!

So... You're sure you want to be sealed into this awful chamber?

It is my duty.

I must guard against the evil effluent,

should the sewers of darkness threaten the world once more.

Besides, I'm very anti-social. I can't stand being around people.

Godspeed, KING Mitchell!

Well, we've saved the world and sealed the Round Table back up.

So... What are you going to hand in for your woodwork project?

How quickly can you knit a wooden suit of armour?

# We all sing long live the king

# We all sing long live the king

# Bow down, bow down, bow down, bow down yo! #