King Mitchell Strange Hill High


King Mitchell

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SPOOKY LAUGH

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# Creepy ain't the word, freaky ain't the word, sneaky ain't the word

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# See what I've observed

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# As there's no easy way to describe this geeky place

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# Even geeky place doesn't tell you what I need to say

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# This is Strange Hill, where a talking frog can eat your face!

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# It's very, very random You'll get use to these debates

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# If you stick around Although I wouldn't recommend it

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# When they use the name "Strange" Mate they really meant it!

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# There's some things in life in which you just don't mess

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# On every vest, I got the letters SOS

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# Cos you never know what might be lurking round the corner

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# And what it might do if it ever found or saw you

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# Keep the lights on in the hallways all day

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# Things won't always tend to go your way

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# Watch your back, and be prepared Can't wait for 3:30

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# See you there. #

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SCHOOL BELL

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Ahhhhhh!

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Uh, uh, uh! I touched the toilet!

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My exposed wrist brushed the rim of the bowl!

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Templeton, when you use the toilet, your skin touches it anyway.

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Oh, no. I do everything standing from a distance. Everything.

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Well, how much more do you have to clean?

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All of it! That's what the producers of the show said.

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What producers of what show said what what?

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This morning I was late for Science class.

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Science class was yesterday.

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I was VERY late!

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I ran past one of those hidden cameras,

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and one of the producers called out and selected me

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for the next challenge.

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You there! No running!

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Report for toilet duty!

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Templeton, those aren't hidden cameras

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and this is not a reality show.

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You got caught running by Miss Grimshaw

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and now you're being punished.

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Millions of viewers are counting on me.

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Yeah, T - this is a school. We're students.

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You're trying to get me voted off, aren't you? Crafty!

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But I'm not going to fall for it and look foolish.

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These toilets hold no fear for Templeton.

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Whatever the case, could you hurry?

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I want to bust some tricks on my new skateboard.

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Shouldn't you be doing your woodwork project?

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This IS my woodwork project.

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-Amazing!

-Pretty nice crosscutting and flitching for someone who

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doesn't even know what that means.

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I mean it's amazing that you actually finished a project on time.

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Ahh, ahh, ahh!

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For once, I'm going to hand something in on time

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and nothing's going to stop me.

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Ahh, aah!

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-Uh!

-Mitchell. Becky. So nice to run into you.

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I'd have preferred to run over you.

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I've got a problem. I've got a woodwork deadline.

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And I ain't got no woodwork.

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So I got thinkin' - who'd have some woodwork?

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Er, Woody?

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-Who's Woody?

-Woody the woodwork worker.

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Would Woody have some woodwork?

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I dunno, would he?

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Are you mocking me?

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Yeah.

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I'll make this simple. Becky, gimme your woodwork project.

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What's that?

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It's a wooden sweater.

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I'm going to take it from you, though I do have a

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number of comments about who would ever wear such a thing

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and the stupidity of even making such a thing in the first place.

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But look at all that fine crosscutting and flitching.

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Oof!

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-Run, Becks!

-Nobody hits me with a wooden sweater and gets away with it.

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So you've been hit in the face with a wooden sweater a lot?

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That would explain things.

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Wheurgh!

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Argh!

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Er-er-er-er-er-er-er!

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Oh, no! Are you all right?

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I never meant for you to get hurt.

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-I'm so sorry.

-Oooooh!

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Oh, you poor thing!

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Ooh, you got a nasty crack there.

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Hang on. There's something under here.

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Tyson, give me your head. I need to chip more plaster off.

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Don't take advantage of me.

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It's a door! Oh, I love doors even more than walls!

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Sorry, wall, no offence.

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Ooh!

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Toilet...

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of the gods!

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Ew! What is that stuff?

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Whatever it is, it's going to take me ages to scrub it off.

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Oh!

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Ahhh, ahh, aahhhhhh!

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Templeton! Are you OK?!

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I'm just milking it for sympathy.

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The public will lap this up.

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I'll be on the show for weeks! Ahhh!

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You, sir, are the king of tables.

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And you've just given me a really sweet idea.

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HE HUMS

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Oooh! Hello, handsome.

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May I say you look...yeuch!

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That weird boy was supposed to clean up!

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Where'd that weirdie go? Oh, weird boy!

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RUMBLING

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If this is the Bathroom Bully, I paid you off, remember?

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Tanner! What are you doing in here?

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I...er...needed a wee?

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-With a table?

-It's a nice table.

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And you thought you'd drag it about in the toilets?

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Well, it won't fit in my bag.

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Why have you got a table?

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It's my woodwork project.

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You want me to believe that you made an antique gold-inlayed oaken table?

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No, I want my woodwork teacher to believe that.

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That's not your table.

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-It so is.

-It so isn't.

-Ya-ha.

-No-ha.

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Sir, I SWEAR that I made this table.

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And that I, Mitchell Tanner, am its one true owner.

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It is supposed to do that. It's a traditional singing table.

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You know about those, right?

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Er, yes, of course.

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Ahhhh... ahhhh, ahhhh, ahh, AHHH!

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Oooh! Ahhhhhhhhh!

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Ooooooooooh!

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He's going to be a tough competitor.

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Aaahhhhhh! That's the singing noise still happening.

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There better not be anything strange going on here, Tanner.

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-Aaaaaaaahhhh...

-Because if I hear of any...

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irregular goings-on, you'll be joining that weird boy

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and cleaning out u-bends with this.

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Errr, oooh...duh...!

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Gnnnhhhhh!

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Or a similar product. So watch it.

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I'm not a fool who falls for anything.

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It has to be really good.

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Huh, huh, huh!

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-Huh, uh...!

-Whoa!

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You!

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Argh!

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My Lord, through untold eons you have returned!

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Deliver us from the powers of darkness!

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-Uh?

-Over oceans of uncertainty, rushing rivers of doubt,

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and sewers of disappointment, your coming has wiped free my torment.

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You what?

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I swear fealty to thee, King of all Britain, whose hand

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and oath awoke the power of the Round Table!

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Oh, right, this is to do with the table thing?

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He who owns the Round Table is my master.

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OK. Hi.

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They just keep throwing twists at us, don't they?

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I bet this knight is really a celebrity!

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C'mon, take off your helmet... Jamie Oliver!

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I am Sir Bogivere, Guardian of the Foul Latrine.

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What would you have me do, O King?

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You mean I can...?

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-Yes.

-And you'll do whatever I...?

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-Yes.

-OK. Let's take this for a test drive.

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MUSIC STARTS

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# Let me see you shake now... #

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MUSIC STOPS

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So you really will do anything I say.

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You are my king.

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(Now might be a good time to tell him you're not a king.)

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(Or it could be the worst possible time.)

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(We'll only know later on. With hindsight.)

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(When it's too late.)

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Sir Knight, as your king, I command you to...

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Er, I dunno.

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Um. What sort of services do you offer?

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Do you have a brochure?

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I know naught of this brochure of which you speak.

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I know only that I would lay down my life to protect you.

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Cool. Can you do algebra?

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You have fifteen minutes to complete your exam.

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Ugh, this test is killing me.

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"X 4 plus 7 X plus 12 X 2."

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What wicked wizardry is this?

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You dare assault my liege with your diabolical incantations?

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ALARM SOUNDS

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I slew the electric snake that held its spell over this vile box!

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Um, OK.

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I need a vacation.

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-ALL:

-Hurray!

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-Uh!

-Nobody makes me accidentally step on a skateboard.

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-I did.

-You think you're so special with your magical knight,

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like you rule the school.

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No way. You ain't the King of Bling, that's my thing, yo!

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Listen up.

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You caused my mate here considerable embarrassment what

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with his foolish head-smack into the toilet wall - ha ha!

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Nice!

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So the second your Sir Frootypants ain't around, you're going to get it.

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From us, collectively, innit?

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Are you quite done yet?

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Just a second. YO!

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OK, we're done.

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Good. Speaking of which, O good Sir Knight?

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-Uh-oh.

-Charge!

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Wahhhh!

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Wahhhh!

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Charge!

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No jousting!

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Wahhhh!

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Heh, heh, heh!

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That oughta hold them for a while.

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-The blaggards!

-Sire, if I may?

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Beseech.

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I was tasked with guarding the ancient latrine for all eternity

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and now that I'm merely in the antechamber,

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separated from my duty...

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-Heh-heh!

-..I fear most loathsome things could happen.

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Tyson's already loathsome, so I wouldn't worry.

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But the latrine empties into the Well of Despair, which washes into

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the River of Agony, flows across the Aqueduct of Unpleasantness

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and deposits everything into the Pit of Eternal Damnation!

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-And?

-Well, that's pretty bad.

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Meh. I'm sure those guys can handle it.

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Just keep your eyes on that door.

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SPLASH

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SPLASH

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MUSIC

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Mmmm...ah!

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Good Sir Knight? Be a dear and hand me my drink.

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It troubles me, Sire, that these quests you have tasked me with

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have been lacking a certain gravitas.

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Which is why, for your next quest, I'd like you to...

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iron my socks. My royal feet feel most untoasty.

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Oh, hey-ho...

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Tanner!

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Uh, better leave this one to me.

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Perhaps you'd care to explain this!

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"Until further notice, all gym classes have been cancelled,

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"by express order of King Mitchell."

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Seems like a pretty clear decree to me.

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Decree? King Mitchell? Is that what they're calling you now?

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Well, you can call me

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Your Highness, Your Majesty, Bonnie King Mitch.

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-I'm not picky.

-I'll call your mother if you don't straighten up!

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Oh, I wouldn't disturb the Queen Mum if I were you.

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You and your weird friend better have that lavatory

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sparkling by the end of break.

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Do you understand?

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We do. And by that, I mean the royal we.

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Ha ha ha! Royal we...!

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The end of break, Mitchell. It better be clean.

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Who be that foul wizard who plagues my king?

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He's no wizard. He's the headmaster.

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A mere headmaster dares to plague my liege?

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Why does the King not smite him where he stands?

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Well, y'know, Mitchell's not that into...smiting.

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Then I shall smite him myself!

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Tis my duty!

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Er...he's not the king!

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What?

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Um. He's not the king. He just kind of lied.

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But it's understandable - it's not every day a medieval knight

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comes back to life and does silly things for a bunch of school kids.

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He is not the king?

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Then if he is no king,

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who then are the brave knights who guard the ancient evil in my stead?

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Brave what's-who guard the who-do?

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This goes way beyond anything we deserve!

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-Uh, uh...

-Are you OK? You're looking a little...

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seethy?

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Betrayed! By a boy of 12!

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Oh, this is not going to look good at the next Round Table meeting.

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The latrine is unguarded! To the toilet!

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-Whoa!

-I think I'm going to be voting him off next.

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He's weird.

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Sir Bogivere? Hello?

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I need you to clean some toilets for me?

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Cleany-wipey?

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-Wah-ha!

-What's that?

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Wah-ha!

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Waahhaa!

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Stand and face me, false king!

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-Uh-oh...

-You have lied to me. My honour is besmirched!

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Maybe I could clean it up?

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The only restitution I require is that you meet me in combat!

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Is that the trouser shop in town?

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You will join me in battle, sir!

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I'd love to fight,

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but I'm a really busy false king with a lot of toilets to clean.

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I haven't got a minute to spare.

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I have something which may change your mind.

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Mitchell, help! This cage stinks!

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Well, for 500 years, it contained the Ogre of Vileness

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until he dissolved into a puddle of...

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vileness. He was a good friend.

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And now you will fight me for the freedom of your lady.

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Lose, and she will join me as a guardian of the ancient lavvy

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for all eternity!

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Right, well, she's not strictly speaking my lady. Or a lady.

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-Mitchell!

-Fight me, sir! I would relish a companion in there.

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Eternity is more tedious than people think.

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OK! I'll fight you.

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But these days we don't fight with swords.

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ARGH!

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Please, Mr Tentacles!

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It gave me a diabolical swirly!

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Draw!

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Two scissors! Draw!

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Rock blunts scissors! Sir Bogivere wins!

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If he gets one more point, he's the winner!

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Don't draw scissors again, Mitchell. He'll be expecting it.

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Yeah. Only a madman would draw scissors three times.

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Mitchell - no!

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Scissors cut paper! Mitchell wins!

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Let's finish this.

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Aaaaaaaagh!

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Aaaaaaaagh! Wahhhhhhh!

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We've awoken He Who Cannot Be Flushed!

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-He's bad?

-He is the accumulation of 1,000 years of foulness.

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Plus the occasional peanut.

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Ah-hah!

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Two scissors! Draw!

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Maybe you should concentrate on the evil tentacles for a minute?

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Ahhhhh!

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The lady Becky is mine! You can't keep drawing scissors!

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You don't have the nerve.

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Want to bet?

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SCHOOL BELL

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The end of break!

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That lavatory better be clean or Tanner's going to get it.

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Hmph! Either way, I'm happy.

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Argh!

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Templeton, it's the end of break!

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And the End of Times! It has been prophesied!

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Uh, yeah, whatever.

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But right now, we've got to do something about Abercrombie.

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Go out there and stall him!

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Who's Abercrombie?

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Our headmas... Uh, the head producer.

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Oh, the host of the show! Mr Abercrombie!

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Yes! Whatever! Go!

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Argh! D'ah!

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Mr Abercrombie! How are you?

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You know, it's funny - I've been on this show all these years...

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-Show?

-..and I didn't know your name until today.

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You know MY name, right?

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Yes. Of course I do! It's, uh, something-blankelmeyer, right?

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N-o-o.

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Argh!

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Scissors cut paper! Bogivere wins!

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Lady Becky is mine!

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Help!

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I said she's mine! Arrrrghh!

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Help!

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Bitzleberg? Something nerdy. Not that I really care.

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Now, get out of my way.

0:18:270:18:28

Wait. You haven't seen my... dance!

0:18:280:18:32

MUSIC STARTS

0:18:320:18:33

It's no use! It's stuck on!

0:18:420:18:45

No-one can pull the disinfectant from the shelf!

0:18:450:18:50

Yes!

0:18:510:18:52

BOOMING VOICE: Excalibur!

0:18:520:18:54

Legendary cleaning power!

0:18:540:18:55

Uh-huh! Uhhh!

0:19:010:19:04

Uhhhhhhhhh!

0:19:060:19:07

Ahhhh...Mummy...

0:19:170:19:19

Uhhhhh, oh!

0:19:200:19:21

Help m-e-e-e-e! Argh!

0:19:240:19:29

Huh! Let's clean up.

0:19:290:19:32

Hah!

0:19:360:19:37

You're looking a little...flushed.

0:19:410:19:44

Aaaah!

0:19:510:19:53

BELCHING

0:19:550:20:00

Burp!

0:20:020:20:03

Look out!

0:20:060:20:08

D'ahhhhhh!

0:20:080:20:11

Forgive me for doubting thee, Sire.

0:20:120:20:15

Only a true king could draw Excalibur from the caked-on,

0:20:150:20:19

impossible-to-get-rid-of muck.

0:20:190:20:21

Actually, I meant to ask - who told you I wasn't a king, anyway?

0:20:210:20:25

Close the lid! Uh!

0:20:250:20:28

Men!

0:20:280:20:29

No-one's going to vote me off after this!

0:20:310:20:35

SHOUTING

0:20:350:20:36

He's coming in!

0:20:380:20:42

THEY GASP

0:20:420:20:43

Oh. My. Goodness!

0:20:530:20:55

I've never seen such a clean lavatory.

0:20:570:20:59

Well, I suppose it'll have to do.

0:20:590:21:02

We've won the task! We're safe for one more week!

0:21:020:21:06

So... You're sure you want to be sealed into this awful chamber?

0:21:060:21:11

It is my duty.

0:21:110:21:13

I must guard against the evil effluent,

0:21:130:21:16

should the sewers of darkness threaten the world once more.

0:21:160:21:21

Besides, I'm very anti-social. I can't stand being around people.

0:21:210:21:25

Godspeed, KING Mitchell!

0:21:250:21:28

Well, we've saved the world and sealed the Round Table back up.

0:21:340:21:37

So... What are you going to hand in for your woodwork project?

0:21:370:21:41

How quickly can you knit a wooden suit of armour?

0:21:410:21:44

# We all sing long live the king

0:21:450:21:50

# We all sing long live the king

0:21:500:21:53

# Bow down, bow down, bow down, bow down yo! #

0:21:530:21:55

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