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Teacher's Pet Strange Hill High

Teacher's Pet

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# Creepy ain't the word

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# Freaky ain't the word

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# Sneaky ain't the word

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# See what I've observed

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# Is there's no easy way to describe this geeky place

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# Even geeky place doesn't tell you what I need to say

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# This is Strange Hill

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# Where a talking frog can eat your face!

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# It's very very random you'll get use to these debates

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# If you stick around

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# Although I wouldn't recommend it

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# When they use the name Strange, mate, they really meant it!

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# There's some things in life with which you just don't mess

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# On every vest I got the letters S.O.S.

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# Cos you never know what might be lurking 'round the corner

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# And what it might do if they ever found or saw ya

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# Keep the lights on in the hallways all day

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# Things won't always tend to go your way

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# Watch your back and be prepared

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# Can't wait for 3:30

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# See you there! #

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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I can't feel below my neck!

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Winter fun does not compute.

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BELL RINGS

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Listen up, Abercrombie! You can stick your rules.

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From now on, we run the school my way.

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Mitchell, we'd better go in.

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You know how they get if we're late.

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But I'm stickin' it to the snowman.

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Those clothes are just like Abercrombie's. Where'd you get them?

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Remember that day Abercrombie was naked

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and running about shouting "Where's my clothes?"

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Yeah, I got them then.

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Hmm. We'll leave you to it.

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Come on, Templeton, unless you want to recklessly jeopardise

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your school career as well.

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Recklessly? Never.

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CHAINSAW WHIRRS LOUDLY

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Wow! That's amazing!

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Thank you.

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Amazingly risky! You could kill someone!

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Chainsaws don't kill people, Becky. People do. People with chainsaws.

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And now I'll spruce up your snowman.

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Ooooh!

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Aaargh! Wahhh! Oh!

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No need to thank me.

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How I loathe you, Tanner! You're a thorn in my side!

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That's it!

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I'm going to punish you smart alecks so hard that future children

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will weep at the very mention of your names.

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-My name's not Alec.

-Oh!

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Report to the science lab!

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You have until the end of lunch time to clean it from top to bottom!

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Yow!

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Oh, I like science. How bad can that be?

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Oh that bad!

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Hey.

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It's, it's...so cute!

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SQUEAKING

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Hello, Mr Wabby!

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Likkle meecies!

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Tortie-tortie-too-too!

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HE GROANS

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Gribbetty-Groo!

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Tarantie-la-la-lu-la!

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Ah! Look at her hairy little fangs!

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Who's got naughty, hairy little fangs?

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I suppose she does have a quite an endearing epigastric fold.

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Templeton!

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I think they might need cleaning out. And petting.

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Poor, poor little lab animals, probably don't get enough attention.

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Yeah, something tells me they'll have had enough soon.

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Cooing over small animals! Sometimes Becky's such a girl.

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At least you and I don't act so stereotypically.

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THEY GASP

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Cor! Look at the size of that machine!

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Buttons and dials and levers and things whose purpose

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cannot possibly be clear until we touch them!

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Let's touch them!

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MACHINE CRANKS INTO ACTION

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Wow! It makes smoke! And a noise!

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Yeah, I think we're supposed to put something inside it?

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The noise and smoke wasn't enough? Why must you always want more?

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BEEPING

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That's what I'm talking about!

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Finally! Proof of my Cube Earth Theory!

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You know what this means?

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Your theory stinks?

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No! This machine is a vessel of infinite knowledge!

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It shows us how the world really is.

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Or it turns spheres into cubes.

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Heresy! Don't listen to him, O Great Machine!

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MACHINE PINGS

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So what's that telling us?

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That the world is but a small copy of the one true cube.

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Hmm.

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So how about this?

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Guh!

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MACHINE CLICKS AND PINGS

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Wow!

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Of course! Bananas are oranges and oranges are bananas!

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I must meditate on this. Ommm.

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You meditating or having a sinus attack?

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Ah, I see a plane of pure whiteness.

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Have you kids been messin' with the Transmogrifier?

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No.

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You gotta be careful with this thing.

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Never put it on full power.

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What happens on full power?

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The Great Disaster of 1906.

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Turned the school into a sphere.

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Sure, it produced perfectly rounded students, but just even

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a little whisper of wind, and...rrrrr!

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Down it went, rolling through the city.

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Crushing buildings, dinner ladies, everything.

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Cool!

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The matter Transmogrifier is a dark chapter

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in man's pursuit of knowledge.

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It must only be used in the most dire of circumstances.

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MACHINE BEEPS

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THEY GASP

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Like making chips for lunch.

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CLICKING AND PINGING

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BUZZING AND ZAPPING

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Ooh!

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Uh!

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ZAPPING

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ZAPPING

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Eurgh!

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MACHINE CREAKS

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Mitchell, stop using that machine!

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Don't worry, I know what I'm doing.

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You're messing with powers you barely understand.

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HE CHUCKLES

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CLICKING AND BEEPING

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Agh!

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BOTH: Epic!

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Oo-ah! Where'd it go, yo?

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Oh, I don't know how, but... Oh!

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TANNER!

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BELL RINGS The bell! Wasn't there something

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we were supposed to do before the end of lunch?

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Yeah, I think so. Was it clean out the animals?

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No. Was it tamper with the very fabric of matter itself?

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No. Oh! What was it?

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Oh, right. Yeah.

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What are we going to do?!

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HE HUMS GENTLY

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And the banana shall be an orange and the orange a banana.

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And the apple shall be a lingonberry.

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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Eeek!

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He's coming! He is coming!

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Who, the god of various fruits?

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No, Abercrombie!

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HE GASPS

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I've got an idea. Help me with this.

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I knew it! You haven't...

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..failed to do as I asked.

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Just as I thought.

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But where did it all go?

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LASER ZAPS

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Well, that was easy.

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Thanks to The Great Machine. Blessed be his name.

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CROAKING

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Er, Becky, did you just croak like a frog?

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Of course I didn't!

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CROAKING

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While you two were messing about with the machine,

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I sort of freed all the animals.

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They wooked so sad in their cages.

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Are you sure that was a good idea?

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You mess with the very fabric of the universe and you ask me

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if setting a few bunnies and hamsters free is a good idea?!

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No need to get all logical with me!

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I'm sure it's fine.

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ANIMALS SQUEAK

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MACHINE WHIRRS AND BUZZES

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If John has five apples and can eat one a minute and a train

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heads towards John at 120mph, how many apples can he eat before...

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Um, shouldn't he be thinking about getting out of the way?

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John's fate is inevitable. Answer the question.

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I thought we could do this at break. Grrrr!

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Haven't you made enough things too big for one day?

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Come on, isn't everything better when it's too big?

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HEAVY THUDDING IN BACKGROUND

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Giant guinea pig!

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Great idea. Now you're thinking.

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No, there is one!

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HE GASPS

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Halt!

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If Becky and Mitchell head towards the door at 1mph and I-I-I-I...

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The Great Machine has sent us a guinea pig.

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Come on.

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WHIRRING AND BLEEPING

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Welcome to the beginning of class.

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ALL GROAN AND SIGH

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No sign of the giant guinea pig.

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-It left us an offering!

-Ugh!

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We shall build a shrine to this mighty log.

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It's called a toilet and this school has plenty.

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Where could that guinea pig have gone?

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There you are, my lovely! Drink up.

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LOUD THUD

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SNIFFING AND PANTING

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-What?

-LOUD SQUEAKING

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Huh?

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SCREAMING

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HE GURGLES

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My goodness! He's been...

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Badly nibbled.

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My girlfriend knit me this sweater at the Glastonbury Festival.

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We've got to stop that thing before it nibbles again!

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HE HUMS GENTLY

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SCRATCHING SOUND

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Hello? Is anyone there?

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DOOR CREAKS LOUDLY

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TANNER!

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Did you hear something?

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TERRIFIED SCREAMING

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A giant rabbit ate my spherical phone!

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-You mean guinea pig.

-Whatever! It ran up that thingy.

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It's gone into the air ducts! Stephanie, give me your number.

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Is there any other way?

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VENT CREAKS AND BANGS

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BEEPING

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Mitchell! The blue dot's right on top of you!

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Get out of there, you man!

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I'm the blue dots! Stephanie's phone is the pink one.

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There it is!

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My dot's way cooler than yours.

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Your dot's in a giant guinea pig's bowels.

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SNORING

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It's just around the next corner.

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Get the carrot ready to coax it out.

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Don't make any sudden noises.

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS LOUDLY

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Wait up! Hold one-niner on bogey-five!

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-What?!

-I always wanted to talk like that.

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There are lots of kids around.

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We don't want a giant guinea pig panic.

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ALL SCREAM AND SHOUT

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Giant guinea piggaroooo!

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Panic!

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FRANTIC COMMOTION

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Now that's an amusing conundrum.

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What is?

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Well, if the giant guinea pig's down here,

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what's up in the ventilator with Mitchell?

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LOUD BOOM

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Uh oh!

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Big bunny!

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RABBIT NIBBLES CARROT NOISILY

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Mitchell, try and lead it to the lab, we'll meet you there!

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Run for your lives!

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ALL: Ahhhhhhh!

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HE GASPS IN FEAR

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Tanner!

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POUNDS LOUDLY ON GRILL

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Wahhh!

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Dah!

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-GROGGILY:

-Oh-ooh-ooh.

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Oof!

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HE STRAINS TO LIFT TORTOISE

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HE GRUNTS

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-WINDOW SHATTERS

-TANNER!

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Shhh! You'll frighten the animals.

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CONFUSION AND PANIC

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It's OK, kids, it's only a ferocious monster tortoise.

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CROAKING

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CROAKING

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Lab animals in the corridors! Unbelievable!

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SCREAMING

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GROWLING

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Templeton, we have to shrink the bunny!

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We do not control the Great Machine. It controls us.

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-How?

-Mysterious ways.

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You're making it up as you go along!

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Infidel!

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-Oof!

-Ow!

-Ouch!

-Uh!

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It's right behind me!

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Hit it!

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What the devil has been going on in... Ahh!

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LOUD BOOM

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Ribbit!

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Ribbit!

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On the plus side, he can't really yell at us any more.

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On the downside, he's got super-hopping power!

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Ribbit!

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Sir? Er, sorry about smashing your ceiling.

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Oh, and the toad thing.

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HE CROAKS

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Hail to thee, Creature of the Great Machine.

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I'm Templeton, your faithful toadie.

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Templeton, what are you doing?

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It has come from the Great Machine, we must commune with it.

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Have you a message for us, o slimy one?

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Ribbit?

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I see!

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So what you're saying is... Actually I've no idea what you're saying.

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Could you give us a sign?

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Ow!

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Still not 100% clear.

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FROG SLURPS

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Grovel before me, stinking humans.

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Bit difficult from this position.

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What style of grovelling would you have me do, o warty one?

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Perhaps the one-knee'd I'm not worthy?

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Keep him talking.

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Mr Abercrombie?

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I am Toadercrombie, ribbit, and I speak for all your prisoners!

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You mean the pets?

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Pets?! Is that what you humans call us?

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Ribbit. You have enslaved us. Petted us.

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Turned us into characters in whimsical children's novels.

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Now, it is your turn to feel the wra-a-a-th of small, cute animals!

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Whoa!

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You will be first, Tanner...

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But I've done all the grovelling. Why can't I feel the wrath?

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Lick my face, wart-bag.

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Whoa!

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Rooooarr!

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Run!

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ALL SCREAM

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That'll hold him for a bit. What do we know about weird hybrids?

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Nothing! Except, didn't the machine make TWO hybrids

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when it crossed the orange and the banana?

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Yes, the Banorange and the Orana!

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So if that was Toad/Abercrombie, where's Abercrombie/Toa...?

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(TINY VOICE) Help meee! Help meeeee!

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If that was Toadercrombie, this must be...

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Abertoadie!

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Oh! He's ador-wable! Oh, look at his little warty moustache.

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Who's a cheeky little abomination?

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Let me see...

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Not you! Tanner!

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-I think he's fainted.

-Can I have him?

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-What are you going to do with him?

-Feed him flies.

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I always wanted to make him eat flies. And this way he'll enjoy it.

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OK, but remember, a tiny, amphibious headmaster is for life.

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Templeton! Where are you going?

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I must go back to the machine, the Great One.

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How can it be the Great One? Look at all the trouble it's caused.

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My goodness, you're right! How can I have been so blind?

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It is the Evil One. I must destroy it.

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HEAVY THUMPING AND GROWLING

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< After them, comrades!

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Nibble them! Nibble them all!

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Aaagh!

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ALL SCREAM

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THUMPING AND SNARLING

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HIDEOUS SCREECHING

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Run!

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Rooooaaaarrr!

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Run?

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< There they are!

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SNARLING

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ALL SCREAM

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Resistance is futile. Caught like rabbits in a headlight!

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Croak!

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Sorry. I know. Offensive.

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Keep away from us!

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You humans have ruled this school for...croak

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..hundreds of years and look how you've treated it!

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Well, strictly speaking, that was you.

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Silence! Now, we will take charge.

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Ours will be a brave new school, where rodents

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and amphibians live in harmony with the curriculum.

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There is a bit of Abercrombie left in you, isn't there?

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Enough! Prepare to be nuzzled!

0:18:370:18:39

Awww.

0:18:390:18:41

-To death!

-Aaaaagh!

0:18:410:18:42

Oh, furry pets! Here's Kitty!

0:18:420:18:45

Rooaaarrrr!

0:18:450:18:48

No! Comrades! Come back!

0:18:480:18:51

Croak! You cannot win -

0:18:510:18:53

the terrifying Age of Harmless Animals has begun!

0:18:530:18:59

Ha-ha-ha! Croak!

0:18:590:19:02

-We've got to stop him.

-Do we? Do we, Mitchell?

0:19:040:19:08

Does his school sound so much worse than ours?

0:19:080:19:11

Perhaps we have had our day.

0:19:110:19:13

There'd be a lot of giant animal poo everywhere.

0:19:130:19:15

Good point. Let's stop him.

0:19:150:19:17

Soon, my beauties, this school will be ours!

0:19:170:19:21

Croak! Now, mice, I've got you down to teach geography. Croak!

0:19:210:19:29

Tarantula, you've got modern languages. Croak!

0:19:290:19:34

Actually, that clashes with IT.

0:19:340:19:37

Hang on a minute... Croak. I'll adjust the timetable.

0:19:370:19:41

Leave room for double butt-kicking.

0:19:410:19:45

Tanner! How'd you like to be held back until you're...croak...21?

0:19:450:19:51

How'd you like to...be a sort of froggy, green headmaster thing?

0:19:510:19:56

Yes, rather suits me, doesn't it?

0:19:560:19:59

Just as it will shortly suit you to become...croak...a cube!

0:19:590:20:05

Oooh!

0:20:050:20:07

I'm too cool to be square.

0:20:070:20:09

Hggguggll...

0:20:090:20:11

I can't understand you with your tongue like that.

0:20:110:20:13

Hwwgggll...

0:20:130:20:15

Templeton!

0:20:150:20:16

False teacher! Weaver of illusions!

0:20:160:20:18

You're nothing but a glorified candy floss machine

0:20:180:20:21

and I shall destroy you!

0:20:210:20:23

Oh.

0:20:230:20:25

Right. I've got all the big machines.

0:20:260:20:30

Who's the smart aleck now?

0:20:300:20:33

I think that would be me.

0:20:330:20:34

-No!

-Temps, get out of the window.

0:20:370:20:40

Aggghhhhhhh!

0:20:400:20:42

Failed! Croak.

0:20:450:20:47

His plan has failed... Ribbit! ..like he does in all his classes!

0:20:470:20:52

Ribbit! At last, this school is ours.

0:20:520:20:56

We are free, my friends! Freeeeeeee...!

0:20:560:21:03

So turning the power up to full made a tiny copy of the whole school,

0:21:030:21:06

trapping them inside it.

0:21:060:21:08

But they still have their animal high school, so they'll be happy.

0:21:080:21:11

And the machine blowing up has returned everything to normal

0:21:110:21:14

-in the real school, including Mr Abercrombie!

-Hmm.

0:21:140:21:18

I'm not convinced that blowing up a machine would make everything

0:21:180:21:21

go back to normal.

0:21:210:21:22

Don't question it. We meddled with stuff we don't understand.

0:21:220:21:25

We got away with it. Let's go play in the snow.

0:21:250:21:27

I mean, if you blow up a toaster,

0:21:270:21:29

your toast doesn't turn back into bread, does it?

0:21:290:21:31

Templeton, shh!

0:21:310:21:33

And if you blow up a cow, you don't make cheese not exist.

0:21:330:21:36

I mean, it just doesn't make any sense!

0:21:360:21:39

GRUNTING

0:21:390:21:41

Ribbit!

0:21:420:21:44

# Have you ever seen a sign saying "Don't press the button"

0:21:440:21:47

# "Don't press the button"

0:21:470:21:49

# Whenever you see a sign saying "Don't press the button"

0:21:490:21:52

# What you want to do? Press the button! #

0:21:520:21:54

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:21:540:21:57

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