The End of Terminator Strange Hill High

-RAPPING:

-Creepy ain't the word Freaky ain't the word

Sneaky ain't the word See what I've observed

As there's no easy way to describe this geeky place

Even geeky place doesn't tell you what I need to say

This is Strange Hill! Where a talking frog can eat your face!

It's very, very random You'll get use to these debates

if you stick around.

Although I wouldn't recommend it

When they use the name "Strange" Mate, they really meant it!

There's some things in life in which you just don't mess

On every vest I got the letters S.O.S

Cos you never know what might be lurking round the corner

Or what it might do if they ever found or saw you

Keep the lights on in the hallways, all day

Things won't always tend to go your way

Watch your back, and be prepared. Can't wait for 3:30

-See you there.

-SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Ahhhh.

HORN SOUNDS

Woo hoo, waaahhhhhh! HORN SOUNDS

You have 15 minutes to complete your exam.

You have 14 minutes 45 seconds to complete your exam.

-You have 14 minutes...

-Ugh! How can you concentrate like that?

Can't hear you! I've got cotton wool in my ears.

How can you concentrate?

Can't hear you! I've got gerbils in my ears!

Why'd you put gerbils in your ears like that?

Cos if I put them in the other way, they'd kick me.

Quiet, Tanner.

Ohh!

I swear, that old bucket of bolts has it in for me.

Don't be silly. Nimrod's just a machine.

Machines don't have emotions.

And they certainly can't be out to get anyone.

This vending machine's out to get me.

I've been trying to buy this Chocolate Insanity Bar

for some time now.

How long?

Two years.

It's the principle of the thing! Also, the soft nougatty centre.

The machines in this school aren't evil, Mitchell,

they're just hopelessly out-of-date...

Uhhhh, argh.

..and quite poorly secured.

I'm all for this school falling apart, but really.

Don't you think it's time for an upgrade?

And look at the security system!

All pupils should be in class.

Give me milk, milk. milk, milk, milk... Ahhhhhh.

It's OK, it's sour anyway.

Uh, is every single thing in this school old and broken?!

Ohhhh!

Ahhhhhhh!

Uhhhh!

Ahhh!

Attention, students.

I'm pleased to announce I'll be rid of you for a day, huh, huh, huh.

I mean, the end-of-term field trip!

All students with passing grades will be going to...

Venice! No, Bognor Regis!

The Victoria and David Museum!

-A better school.

-Fawlton Towers Amusement Park!

So much fun you, may never want to leave.

We can only hope. So pass your exams and get the heck out.

Good day.

That's actually fairly sort of the best thing ever!

An amusement park! The greatest of all parks!

My parents once tried to abandon me at one!

All we have to do is pass our exams!

I'm going for As, but Mitchell, even Ds are passing!

Can do. Squeaking by is my speciality.

Quiet, humans. I will now return your exams.

I have been programmed to humiliate,

so I will announce your grades as I pass by.

-Puttock, A.

-Yes!

Templeton, B+.

Hear that, boys? We did good!

Bishop, A+.

A+? I didn't even study.

In fact, I don't recall taking the exam.

Huh, I must be an absent-minded genius!

Butters, C.

C?! But that's not possible! This is crazy.

Something is wrong.

Tanner, G.

That's not even a grade! Something's wrong with you, man!

Maybe something's wrong with you. Maybe you should pay more attention.

But you're boring! And I have ADHD!

You know, Attention Deficit Hyper-dis-ma-something?

-ADHD does not compute.

-Lots of kids have it these days.

I was not programmed these days. I was programmed in 1959,

back when children paid respect and attention to teachers.

What? Sorry? I wasn't paying attention.

If you have a problem, it is your problem to fix your problem.

Oh, I'll fix the problem, all right.

Now do you believe me about the machines in this school?

Well, Nimrod's certainly malfunctioning.

There's no way I could've done that poorly!

That's it, Becks, always blame someone else.

And if a broken-down old machine prevents me

from going to an amusement park, I'll be really mad!

Ha-ha! You go, girl.

We've got to fix him, and fix him good!

-Yes! And by fix, you mean get revenge, right?

-No.

I meant repair, but maybe we could have a reasonable expose

of his problems so the school could get new equipment?

I'm going to go with revenge.

Johnnie's father wants to buy a new wireless for £8 so he can

listen to Prime Minister MacMillan's speech,

which will last three times as long as his mother takes to cook

an six-ounce soused mackerel.

Yeah. Excuse me, Nimrod? Are you programmed to answer all questions?

-Yes.

-Then I have a question. Two plus two equals five.

That is not a question. That is a statement.

-So it's true?

-No, it's not.

So the answer to the question is no?

Brilliant! If he answers "yes",

then he hasn't answered the question correctly,

because the answer is no, but he can't say "no"

because that means the answer is not "no".

You are attempting to confuse me. I cannot be confused.

I am the amazing Nimrod. You know nothing.

Ah, that's the one thing I do know.

That I know nothing at all. Compute that!

Say it! Say, "Does not compute"!

Say, "I look like a refrigerator"!

-Stop talking, all of you!

-I can't.

I'm programmed to annoy. To be logical would be illogical.

-Sit down!

-I am, see? Huh, huh, huh, huh.

-All dogs are aeroplanes!

-Pizza is hamburgers!

-Up is like down!

-Tyson is skinny!

-You're a dead man!

-Everyone's making sense!

Stop! I will fail all of you.

If everyone fails, then you've failed as a teacher!

You're right. It's beautiful.

-ALL:

-Hurray!

We're on our way to the amusement park, Becks!

When Nimrod blew up, so did any record of our bad grades.

All thanks to our diabolical plan.

Do we have to call it a diabolical plan?

Yes, we do.

Way to go, Tanner!

Now if we can just get Mr Balding to explode...

This should send a message to the school that we need new stuff

that, like, shines.

Just imagine a school with up-to-date machinery.

Computers, video screens...

Working door knobs.

And while I hate to steal an idea from the children,

it's a lot easier than coming up with my own.

What if we did update all our useless old equipment?

Didn't the School Board say they were looking for a school

to try some new computerized system?

Yes, but it's all untested and quite risky.

Sounds good. Have them set it up right away.

Very complicated stuff inside.

Bit like my emotional needs as a new man.

A new day. I wonder who our new teacher will be?

All I know is I can finally enjoy Maths class as it should be.

Me staring out the window for 45 minutes.

Hi! I'm the Computerized Automated Teaching and Educational unit.

But you can call me CATE.

Caaaaaaate. Ahh.

Wow, you sure are different to our last teacher.

I'm programmed to be nurturing and understanding.

And to make learning fun!

Say, let's have a class outside.

There's more chance of finding an ice-cream van there.

-ALL:

-Hurray!

I think this is the only nice thing I've ever going to say to a teacher.

I'm glad you're here.

Phase one complete. Prepare for total control.

Attention, students.

Arghhhh!

I'm pleased to announce Strange Hill has undergone

a complete mechanical upgrade.

All things old have been brought up-to-date.

Cuh, huh. Yo!

Ridickaliss, innit? Yo.

We've got a brand-new state-of-the-art language lab,

or lab du langue, as they say...

Waiting for the laughter to end...

And finally, you'll be pleased to know

all systems have been fully linked with Master Control.

Records, new security system.

Security system? Why would I be pleased with that?

Now you won't be able to get away with anything, Tanner.

I saw that!

Put your trousers back on!

Tanner, may I suggest that your attempts to test this system

will come to no good?

Thanks for the suggestion. Will do!

How do I turn this off? Ah, here we are.

-ELECTRONIC SQUEAL ALL:

-Ahhhh, oooh.

Sorry! Not really, though.

Whussup? Somebody explode?

No, it's the new language lab!

I'm going to, like, learn so many foreigner languages!

Maybe she should, like, learn English first.

ALL: Oooh!

I hope they teach Klingon.

I think it's just languages on this planet.

Ooh, Elvish then.

If 4x - y = 14, and x is 7, what is y?

Y, indeed. Why do birds sing whenever you're near?

Ah, my man's in love with the teacher!

Love in the digital age, yo!

Now class, there's nothing funny about a boy like Templeton

having feelings for a computerized lady.

Are you sure? Cos I can think of a lot of funny things.

Mitchell, perhaps you know the answer?

Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

Oh, of course.

I see in your records you have ADHD, don't you?

-Whuzzat, now?

-I'll call on another student until you're ready.

A teacher doing something nice for a student?

She's a pip, isn't she?

I know CATE's just a piece of machinery,

but is it wrong to say she's my role model?

Some day I'm going to become a microwave oven and marry her!

CATE is great.

And the school's running smoother than ever,

but there are a few improvements I'm not so keen about.

At least it'll keep the bullies off our backs.

-Step away from the nerd! Now!

-Ha-ha. Templeton in the bin.

You're going to be entered into the system.

I've never been part of the system before.

-You will now.

-Ah, ooh.

Sure, it keeps the playground safe for geeking out,

but what's next to go?

Our civil liberties? Our freedom of speech?

You don't care about that stuff.

Nah, I just don't want to get caught.

You think the punishments are hi-tech, too?

I'm 80% recyclable. This is the wrong bin.

Tyson, you're about to learn so much!

Whoaaaaaaaaa!

Oh, look, new drink dispensers!

We may actually go a year without botulism!

I've grown quite fond of my tapeworm.

Hi, Becky. Would you like some milk today?

Chocolate milk, plea... Hey, that's CATE's voice! Cool!

Hmm. Actually, that's a little creepy. Like she's everywhere?

They were probably just too cheap to get another voice.

More milk, Templeton? More milk, Templeton?

More milk?

Ohhh!

Tyson?

Oh, pardon me, chums. I didn't mean to block your way.

I'd be happy to step to the side.

-BOTH:

-Uhhhhh?!

OK, if something is not going on here, I'm Count Dracula.

You've picked a fine time to tell us that!

Look, something's happening and as much as I hate to say it,

-I think CATE is part of it.

-Huhh?

Listen. CATE may just be an unwitting part of a bigger conspiracy.

Who knows who's behind it? Abercrombie?

-Too stupid.

-Grimshaw?

-Too impatient.

The government? Aliens? Wolfman?

Wolfman would be so exciting!

But he's not really known for his expertise with electronics.

So who would use advanced technology to turn us

into a bunch of boring, polite clones?

All I know is, CATE is the nicest teacher we've ever had.

She did say we could talk to her about anything.

So you're suggesting we go up to CATE and say,

"Hey, are you part of a vast electronic conspiracy to turn us

"into a bunch of goody-goody zombies?"

She might give us biscuits!

Let's do it. Templeton, you in?

You go ahead. I better finish my lunch.

Am I part of a vast conspiracy? And...

Have you ever associated with any known werewolves?

Ha-ha ha-ha. You two have such imaginations!

And you now what? That's wonderful.

The only conspiracy I'm part of

is the one to give you guys a good education.

Now go have fun outside!

They're asking too many questions.

Initiate master protocol.

-I knew no-one could be that nice!

-She's like the Terminator!

-The end-of-terminator!

-Wait. Was the Terminator good or bad?

Can't remember.

So how's she planning on controlling all the students?

She has to get into our heads to do that.

The language lab!

We will behave. We will obey.

Nous allons agir. Nous obeirons.

Nos comportaremos. Vamos a obedecer.

Mind control in all languages on Earth!

Strange Hill is just the first! They're going to take this global!

I knew human language was a bad idea!

-Also, how'd she get there so quick?

-How are we going to fight CATE?

She's not like a werewolf where you just need poisoned cheese.

We need an equally sophisticated computer system,

one that can go head-to-head with one of the most advanced,

diabolical electronic minds ever created.

But since we don't have that, let's just find Nimrod.

He's a box that blinks.

Murdoch's not here. Hopefully, he hasn't scrapped Nimrod yet.

What if he's been dismantled? I don't know how to mantle anything!

There he is!

He's dead! Murdoch must've removed his electric brain already!

We're doomed! Oh, Nimrod, you were our only hope!

No, wait. He's just unplugged.

I'd like to take back that moment of panic and reserve it for later.

You've come to mock me in my final hours. That's OK.

As a computer, I feel no shame.

Well, you sure know how to pour on the guilt.

I was programmed by angry nerds. Now what do you want?

Your help! An electronic mind control system's been installed in the school

-and it's evil!

-And they may be planning to take it global!

I was designed to fight global evil.

You're just a school maths instructor.

I was once the most powerful computer in all the world.

It's quite an interesting story. Have you got some time?

Not really. No.

It all began in 1959...

..but then the Cold War ended and more advanced computers were built.

I was demoted, handed off from government department

to government department, until I hit rock bottom.

Strange Hill High.

Wow! That is quite a story.

I wish I'd been paying attention.

Don't you see? Nimrod was designed to play war games!

He's the perfect weapon!

I am ready!

All I need is a really long extension cord.

Lovely day in the hallway, innit?

Let's all go to class and, like, pay attention.

Mitchell! The zombifaction of the school, it got much worse

while we were in the basement.

Yeah, thanks to Nimrod's longwinded story!

-Would you like to hear it again?

-No!

We've got to strike at the heart of this before it gets too dangerous.

-OK, it's gotten too dangerous.

-How are we going to take her out?

Perhaps a nice romantic candlelight dinner for two?

Yeah, that's not going to work.

A general is only as strong as his army.

CATE's army of zombie students!

If we stop them, she'll be powerless!

But how?

-An army runs on its stomach. Napoleon said it.

-Uh?

-Emperor of France? Spiderman said it.

-Oh!

We'll confront them in the dining hall!

But we better not try this on our own.

If only we had our own army.

An army of machines.

To the dining hall and on to victory!

And hopefully, lunch!

Fighting evil makes me hungry.

-ALL:

-We're all in our places with bright shiny faces.

You may begin.

Where's the happy talking?!

Where's the fun?!

Where's the person pouring creamed spinach on my head?!

Somebody say something!

Yum. This terrible food is good.

This is bad. I even miss Croydonia's personality.

We've got to jar them out of it.

On the count of three, follow my lead.

One... Two... THREE!

D'ahhhhhhh!

Shhhhh! Yo.

-Uh, Nimrod, little help here?

-Sorry.

It's been 50 years since I've had to initiate a Go Code.

Go!

Fellow pupils, liberate yourself from perfect behaviour!

-Why?

-Erm... Because it's fun?

Huh, huh, huh.

Now we're talking!

Woo hoo! Who needs an amusement park when you've got school?

Though, obviously, an amusement park is still my first choice.

Mitchell, we're doing it! We're making the school shoddy again!

Mitchell. I knew you'd be the one behind this.

-How'd you know?

-Because you're different.

And that's bad because?

Differences cause conflict.

There's one thing about differences you don't know

cos you're a machine.

Differences make us human.

I can't believe I just said something like that.

Human? That can be changed, Mitchell.

You've skipped language lab for a week now.

It's time to catch up.

I'll do anything to avoid learning. Nimrod! Ramming speed!

I need an upgrade.

Victory and chewy chocolaty nougat are ours!

Hurray!

You may have saved us from a devious mind control experiment,

but that's no excuse for making a mess.

Next time, I'll save the world neatly.

See that you do.

Eyes on you!

You know, CATE may have been an evil robot bent on destroying

the human race, but she was ever so nice.

Was she ever!

Enjoy your treat, Templeton!

H'ahhhhhh!

# Never trust a robot, that's true! Never trust a robot, that's true!

# Do and you're a doughnut, that is you!

# Never trust a robot, that's true!

# If you don't let me school you, then more fool you! #