Mitchell Junior Strange Hill High

Mwah-ha-ha!

# Creepy ain't the word Freaky ain't the word

# Sneaky ain't the word See what I've observed

# Cos there's no easy way to Describe this stinky place

# Even geeky place doesn't tell you What I need to say

# This is Strange Hill where a Talking frog can eat your face

# It's very, very, random You'll get used to these debates

# If you stick around Although I wouldn't recommend it

# When they used the name strange Mate they really meant it

# There's some things in life with Which you just don't mess

# On every vest I got the letters SOS Because you never know

# What might be lurking round the Corner and what it might do

# If it ever found or saw you

# Keep the lights on in the hallways all days

# Things won't always tend To go your way

# Watch your back and be prepared punk

# Wait for 3:30 see you there. #

BELL RINGS

Whooho! Whoa!

At last, I have the playground to myself

Whooo, No-one to disturb my masterful Mitchellful moves.

Look out!

Look out if you're not in class yet. First period has begun.

No! Mr Stingles is dead!

Our beloved class pet who brought us such joy!

Remember the time he bumped his widdle head on the window?

And when he sat on some jam? And when he flew up Tyson's nose?

I'll miss the times we spent together.

Whooho!

Whoa!

Mitchell, you're late for Mr Garden's class!

I'm not late. I'm alternatively early.

He was so alive!

And now so dead!

Another class pet gone? That's the seventh this term.

What you sayin', G? We is well good at looking after stuff.

We been watchin' after the class plant.

And my desk hasn't caught fire in ages.

Oh.

And we've been managing Miss Grackle's pop star career just fine.

Hmmm, my Teachy Sense tells me

I can facilitate you all learning about responsibility.

Re-whoosa-whaditty?

How to look after things. No more looking after Number One.

Time to look after some Number Twos.

There's no WAY I'm looking after a Number Two. Ewww.

Ewww.

A new vending machine? I love chocolate...

Choc-O-Splosion?

The name fills me with a sense of deliciousness yet impending

danger.

-Whoa!

-AAAGGHH!

Tanner! I was in the middle of important school business!

Why aren't you in class?

I am in class. I'm just a figment of your imagination.

You must have low blood sugar. Eat some chocolate and I'll disappear.

Ooh, tingly! Chocolate that fizzes!

We do live in an age of wonder, don't we, Tanner? Tanner?

Was he a figment? Just as well.

More Choc-O-Splosions for me.

Let's start our journey to responsible enlightenment

with one of these.

Ooo, babies!

Toss one here!

I see we've got some miles to travel on the rocky road to responsibility.

These dolls are designed to respond like actual babies,

so you must treat them with love and care.

Oo, hey there little fellow. I've got just the thing for you.

Oh! Best intentions and all that.

Anyway, these dolls can cry, laugh, eat pretend food,

and even wet themselves.

We have to change nappies? That's FANTASTIC!

Disposable nappies or cloth?

I say cloth, because they are better for the environment

and will provide our children with a wonderful future world

free of pollution and full of rainbows.

But you'll have to wash dirty ones...with your hands.

Disposable it is.

You'll each take care of a baby for one day, then turn it back in.

Just like real parenting.

Just 20 minutes late.

Or 20 years late? You're all parents? Is this a reunion?

Bishop, you've aged terribly.

Mitchell, you're a little tardy for our class on responsibility.

Take a doll from the crate and bring it carefully to your desk.

You don't want to make it cry.

What? The dolls are alive?

No. They're simulated. Which means almost alive.

Like zombies.

No. Like babies. Who need protecting and feeding and educating.

This is twisting my melon, man. Playing with dolls?

No way.

Can't quite reach...

Whoa!

There's one left. In the corner.

-Arghhh!

-Arghhh!

-Arghhh!

Move aside, I want to see what we're screaming at.

You are one ugly doll.

Mitchell, you can't just sit there.

Like a dumb old doll.

You've got to nurture it!

I'm reading everything I can about babycare.

"A baby's a precious thing

"and you can't take your eye off it for one second."

Ah! Apple Rainbow Karma Kumquat Butters! No! I'll rescue you!

Ah! Apple Rainbow Karma Kumquat Butters has lost an arm!

Has anyone seen my baby's arm? This happens to new parents, right?

Feed me.

Wash me.

Change me.

The smallest part of an atom is an electron.

Can you say "electron"?

Change me.

If we could re-arrange your atoms, we could change you into anything.

You can be anything when you grow up. Even a truck.

That's good, Templeton. Always encourage your child.

Man! I have no idea what to do with this thing.

It's not even making a sound. Just staring.

Staring.

It's an older model, but it has an instruction manual.

I found it at the bottom of the crate. Here.

"Place prodigiously in perambulator. Delicacy is dependent on care."

What?! "Feed no sweetmeats." Meat's not sweet.

It's meat.

I'm ditching this freaky sucker, pronto.

Hello, Tanner. I'm not up to anything.

Nor am I.

Heh-heh-heh.

Heh-heh-heh.

Today, I want to see emotion in paint form.

Throw your inner demons in the air, catch them with a brush

and smear them crazily on your canvas.

Hey, Becks.

Her other arm came off, so I made one out of pipe cleaners.

You can't tell, can you?

Uh, no. You're a great Mum.

OK, thanks.

BABY CRIES

Shut up!! Shut up!!

Baby T's progressing nicely.

And I see your baby's ready for some daddy-doll art time.

What?

How?

Ah, perfect. Now capture that terror!

I've got to find a really good place to abandon you.

The Corridor of Suspicion. Perfect.

The Locker That Shall Not Be Used.

Ready to play Hide & No Seek?

OK. I'm walking away now.

Good. I guess what goes in these lockers, stays in these lockers.

"You've just abandoned your baby.

"It's time for a Choc-O-Splosion break."

HE GROANS

Tanner, are you eating in my class?

No.

But, why won't you have a playdate with my baby?

Because your baby has, like, a big round grapefruit head.

No need to be insulting.

It's not because her head fell off because I was hugging her too hard.

Mitchell, can we have a playdate?

Nah, ditched my doll.

Be seated.

Please have your homework or a believable excuse

ready as I come past your desk.

So, what's your excuse today, Tanner?

Ah ha! No excuse, Nimrod, because, for once, I have

done my homework...or at least copied Becky's on time.

Hang on, that's not what it looked like earlier.

How did you fit in there? And... Ahhhhh!

Ahhhh!

Templeton, you have to help me. I need to ditch this doll!

Well, Tarquin needs new batteries.

You can give Tarquin your doll's batteries.

Like an organ transplant. But for batteries.

And for dolls.

Brilliant!

Errg! Of course it hasn't got batteries!

Can this doll get any weirder?! I've had enough.

If you can't bin it, break it.

High-five! Doll defeated!

Now a bird's got it!

No!

Daddy! Why'd you do that, daddy?

Why? Why?

Argggh!

He startled the bird. Thanks!

Mitchell.

Mr G, you know I don't throw the term "evil" around.

Let's see, "Homework is evil," "Tests, evil,"

"George Eliot, for writing such long books, evil."

There's something evil about this doll!

Of all the excuses...

Look!

Say something. C'mon.

It doesn't have to be evil,

just "Hello, Mr Garden, I'm a creepy doll."

Mitchell, have you ever heard of the boy who cried wolf?

Was he the kid who ran off with three little pigs last year?

Look, either you do this assignment or I'll be forced to take

drastic action.

Will it involve a stake and some holy water?

Are you available for parties?

I suppose I could supplement my meagre income... No!

You've been sent here to talk about this doll.

Yeah, creepy isn't it?

Here at this school, we don't use terms like "creepy."

"Creepy," "Odd," "Unnatural," "Unexplained," "Possibly Hellish"

It's haunted!

Yes, "haunted," too.

They're all just words children use to distract me

from their disobedient behaviour.

Oh, Mr Abercrombie, look!

I will not look, Tanner,

because that is exactly what you want me to do.

Actually, sir,

what I really want you to do is keep standing up with your eyes open.

Oh, really? We'll see about that.

Any other way you'd like to "outsmart" me, Tanner?

Uh, no, all set, thanks.

Now, about this baby doll.

Changed my mind. I'll stick with the assignment.

Come, widdle baby.

Oh, did the big creepy headmaster scare you? Daddy will pwotect you.

Make sure to yell at me and punish me as I walk out.

I'll do no such thing!

You have a wonderful day and thanks for visiting!

TANNER LAUGHS

Hey there, Mitchell.

Hi.

I don't know whether you're the spawn of some psychotic demon

or just haunted by a malevolent spirit, I don't care.

What I need to know is, are you up for more fun?

Fun with Daddy.

Eh?!

BABY CRIES

If it won't shut up, give it a sweet.

That's what my mum does with my dad.

Woo-hoo!

ALL: Ah!

Ha-ha-ha.

Aaah!

Won't you eat for Mummy, please, baby?!

Do you want to teach me I should never have children

and I'll end up a spinster in an apartment full of a thousand cats

and actually that would be great because I love cats and I could

spend my days naming them

and there'd be Whisky Whiskers and Mr Smudge...

Mitchell, I thought you wanted to get rid of your baby?

Me? Never! I'm the proudest parent ever.

Isn't that right, Mitchell Junior?

Oh. What do you feed it?

I don't know. Sweets and stuff.

Sweets?! That's not responsible.

My Tarquin only eats organic, locally sourced pretend babyfood.

Chocolate, Daddy.

I haven't got any. We ate it all

Hey!

Aw, he's so cute when he's disrespecting me.

Oh, doll thing! Demon dipes!

Mitchell Junior?

I told you, I don't have any more chocolate!

Tanner! What have you done to this doll?

What do I do?!

I'd do as it says.

Chocolate!

Tanner, this is your baby and it's your responsibility! Talk to it!

Yes. Baby. Do stop.

I guess.

You called for me, Mr A?

The doll! It was alive!

And demanding chocolate!

You, too? Sometimes I think something's weird with this school.

Uh, yes?

But of course there's always a logical explanation.

According to my ill-informed pap psychology, Mitchell's just gotten

carried away and is using this doll as a projection of his own feelings.

Like a ventriloquist.

Yes, puppets. Creepy.

Mitchell. It's time for you, me and the baby to get our heads

together for some heavy-duty happiness facilitation.

-Hey?

-Grab the doll and come with me.

OK

RELAXING MUSIC

Mitchell, let's communicate, talk this through and find some closure.

-Huh?

-I was your age once.

That's hard to believe.

The one thing I hated more than anything else was being told

what to do.

Go cram sticks up your nose.

Yes, like that. But then I realised something.

You like sticks up your nose.

No, that maybe - and I'm the first to

shrug off the formitude of rules, yeah - but maybe some things

at school were actually designed to bring harmony to all, you know.

That maybe...

You were a wing-wang-ding-dang-doodle-pop?

That maybe I was a wing-wang...

All I'm saying, it's only a suggestion rather than

an uncool and heavy order, is act responsibly with your doll.

It might do you good to learn to say "No", right?

No.

Very good. I think we've had a real breakthrough.

'Evs.

Aaaaah.

Oh?

-So, I got to be more strict with my doll.

-Feed me.

OK, but it's got to be stuff you don't like.

That's how you parent, right?

-By making your kids do everything they don't like?

-Feed me chocolate.

No yummy food for you!

That's good, Mitchell. Besides, these are just fake babies.

It's not like they can do anything about it.

Chocolate! Ha-ha-ha!

Now do you believe me?

Tarquin, can you say "Demon child?"

-IN THE VOICE OF GOLLUM:

-Precious chocolate. We wants it.

We needs it.

We meet again.

Mm. Choc-o-late.

You and I know there's not enough chocolate for the both of us.

My little evil demon baby! We've got to stop him!

We're too late!

Tarquin, shield your eyes!

No, Tiny Dude! Pranking teachers is fine.

Chewing on their limbs, not so much.

I. Said. No.

Bad doll! Bad!

Chocolate!

Here boy, catch!

Whoops.

Help me!

Tiny dude!

Help me, da-da.

No!

Well, looking on the bright side, at least Mitchell's learned to say no.

Daddy. Daddy!

That doll may have been a crazed porcelain psychopathic menace,

but it's MY crazed porcelain psychopathic menace.

I'm responsible for him.

You shouldn't blame yourself.

It wasn't all the fault of your bad parenting that led

to his terrible behaviour.

I wouldn't go that far. We have to save him!

-Also, I sort of like him.

-Awww!

Are you sure our babies will be safe while we do this?

Please, we got the best - and only - baby-sitter available.

And here's the new leather boots from Gucci

for Autumn.

I don't really like 'em, but they're probably good for kicking things.

Whoa - a mass of chomping cogs and crunching machinery for pulverising

stuff into smithereens turning it into unrecognisable mess.

Just like my grandmother's kitchen.

-Daddy.

-We're coming tiny dude! Hold on!

Daddy.

I'm coming, junior! Nothing can stop me now!

-Cool, a deflated football

-Mitchell!

Daddy!

Mitchell Junior! Catch hold of this!

Daddy!

Nooooooooooooooooo! Collectively.

Mitchell, he is like you! He weaselled his way through it!

That's my boy. Come on!

Where are you, little scary dude?

BANGING

That can't be good.

Did it sound like a "ka-chink" or a "ka-chunk"?

We're hoping for a ka-chunk. That's machine sound for stopping.

I'm thinking it was ka-chunky.

ALL: Aaah!

We need something to hold the walls! Quick.

Ken Kong's pencil!

-Phew.

-Daddy.

Eh? He must have climbed out of the pit using that ladder.

Junior, you're safe! Except we're not! Help us!

-I promise I'll give you as much chocolate as you want!

-Mitchell!

Think of something healthier and less evil making like...raisins.

Where are we going to get raisins in here?

I've got some in my pocket!

I used them for eyes on my doll's grapefruit head.

Hey, Tiny Dude!

I'm going to throw you some delicious chocolate-like lumps!

Chocolate.

Sort of.

What do I always say?!

"Healthy food never does anything good."

"Especially raisins."

Hey! Didn't you just get recycled?

You can't recycle something into the same thing.

That makes too much sense!

The doll is alive! Alive!

Yeah, we already were starting to suspect.

Still... Aaaah!

I haven't even had time to work out my last words.

What if those were them?!

Or those?!

I have often wondered how it would all end.

Perhaps going down on a burning ship in an icy ocean or an icy

ship on a burning ocean. Or eaten by a tiger on a trapeze.

Admittedly, that last one was more of a dream.

-ALL: Aaah!

-Daddy.

Tiny Dude! I knew you'd be back!

Not really. But it's good for him to hear it.

The dolls! They're clogging up the machinery!

Not Tarquin!

-Daddy!

-That's my boy! Breaking school property!

What?

Well done, Mitchell.

You're the only person in class to have passed the assignment.

Despite some early hiccups,

you turned your doll into an upstanding member

of the community...by destroying the rest of the community.

Now THAT is responsibility.

What I planned to do all along.

Where's Mitchell Junior? Shouldn't he be celebrating Daddy's first A?

As a parent the most important lesson to learn is

when to let your children find their own way in the world.

And besides he was getting a bit boring.

I gave him to someone he had more in common with.

I think they'll be happy together.

Oh precious, precious chocolate!

# Come and meet my special little guy He's not a crazy demon who might try

# To ruin your life

# He may be a nipper who Escaped to the dark side

# But I'm sure he's more A baby by the book

# And I'm sure there's nothing to that freaky beady eye look. #