Mitchell Junior Strange Hill High


Mitchell Junior

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Transcript


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Mwah-ha-ha!

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# Creepy ain't the word Freaky ain't the word

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# Sneaky ain't the word See what I've observed

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# Cos there's no easy way to Describe this stinky place

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# Even geeky place doesn't tell you What I need to say

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# This is Strange Hill where a Talking frog can eat your face

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# It's very, very, random You'll get used to these debates

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# If you stick around Although I wouldn't recommend it

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# When they used the name strange Mate they really meant it

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# There's some things in life with Which you just don't mess

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# On every vest I got the letters SOS Because you never know

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# What might be lurking round the Corner and what it might do

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# If it ever found or saw you

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# Keep the lights on in the hallways all days

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# Things won't always tend To go your way

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# Watch your back and be prepared punk

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# Wait for 3:30 see you there. #

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BELL RINGS

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Whooho! Whoa!

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At last, I have the playground to myself

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Whooo, No-one to disturb my masterful Mitchellful moves.

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Look out!

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Look out if you're not in class yet. First period has begun.

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No! Mr Stingles is dead!

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Our beloved class pet who brought us such joy!

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Remember the time he bumped his widdle head on the window?

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And when he sat on some jam? And when he flew up Tyson's nose?

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I'll miss the times we spent together.

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Whooho!

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Whoa!

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Mitchell, you're late for Mr Garden's class!

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I'm not late. I'm alternatively early.

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He was so alive!

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And now so dead!

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Another class pet gone? That's the seventh this term.

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What you sayin', G? We is well good at looking after stuff.

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We been watchin' after the class plant.

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And my desk hasn't caught fire in ages.

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Oh.

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And we've been managing Miss Grackle's pop star career just fine.

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Hmmm, my Teachy Sense tells me

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I can facilitate you all learning about responsibility.

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Re-whoosa-whaditty?

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How to look after things. No more looking after Number One.

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Time to look after some Number Twos.

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There's no WAY I'm looking after a Number Two. Ewww.

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Ewww.

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A new vending machine? I love chocolate...

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Choc-O-Splosion?

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The name fills me with a sense of deliciousness yet impending

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danger.

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-Whoa!

-AAAGGHH!

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Tanner! I was in the middle of important school business!

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Why aren't you in class?

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I am in class. I'm just a figment of your imagination.

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You must have low blood sugar. Eat some chocolate and I'll disappear.

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Ooh, tingly! Chocolate that fizzes!

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We do live in an age of wonder, don't we, Tanner? Tanner?

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Was he a figment? Just as well.

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More Choc-O-Splosions for me.

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Let's start our journey to responsible enlightenment

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with one of these.

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Ooo, babies!

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Toss one here!

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I see we've got some miles to travel on the rocky road to responsibility.

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These dolls are designed to respond like actual babies,

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so you must treat them with love and care.

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Oo, hey there little fellow. I've got just the thing for you.

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Oh! Best intentions and all that.

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Anyway, these dolls can cry, laugh, eat pretend food,

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and even wet themselves.

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We have to change nappies? That's FANTASTIC!

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Disposable nappies or cloth?

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I say cloth, because they are better for the environment

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and will provide our children with a wonderful future world

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free of pollution and full of rainbows.

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But you'll have to wash dirty ones...with your hands.

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Disposable it is.

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You'll each take care of a baby for one day, then turn it back in.

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Just like real parenting.

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Just 20 minutes late.

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Or 20 years late? You're all parents? Is this a reunion?

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Bishop, you've aged terribly.

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Mitchell, you're a little tardy for our class on responsibility.

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Take a doll from the crate and bring it carefully to your desk.

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You don't want to make it cry.

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What? The dolls are alive?

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No. They're simulated. Which means almost alive.

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Like zombies.

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No. Like babies. Who need protecting and feeding and educating.

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This is twisting my melon, man. Playing with dolls?

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No way.

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Can't quite reach...

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Whoa!

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There's one left. In the corner.

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-Arghhh!

-Arghhh!

-Arghhh!

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Move aside, I want to see what we're screaming at.

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You are one ugly doll.

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Mitchell, you can't just sit there.

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Like a dumb old doll.

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You've got to nurture it!

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I'm reading everything I can about babycare.

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"A baby's a precious thing

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"and you can't take your eye off it for one second."

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Ah! Apple Rainbow Karma Kumquat Butters! No! I'll rescue you!

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Ah! Apple Rainbow Karma Kumquat Butters has lost an arm!

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Has anyone seen my baby's arm? This happens to new parents, right?

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Feed me.

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Wash me.

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Change me.

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The smallest part of an atom is an electron.

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Can you say "electron"?

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Change me.

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If we could re-arrange your atoms, we could change you into anything.

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You can be anything when you grow up. Even a truck.

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That's good, Templeton. Always encourage your child.

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Man! I have no idea what to do with this thing.

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It's not even making a sound. Just staring.

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Staring.

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It's an older model, but it has an instruction manual.

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I found it at the bottom of the crate. Here.

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"Place prodigiously in perambulator. Delicacy is dependent on care."

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What?! "Feed no sweetmeats." Meat's not sweet.

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It's meat.

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I'm ditching this freaky sucker, pronto.

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Hello, Tanner. I'm not up to anything.

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Nor am I.

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Heh-heh-heh.

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Heh-heh-heh.

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Today, I want to see emotion in paint form.

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Throw your inner demons in the air, catch them with a brush

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and smear them crazily on your canvas.

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Hey, Becks.

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Her other arm came off, so I made one out of pipe cleaners.

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You can't tell, can you?

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Uh, no. You're a great Mum.

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OK, thanks.

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BABY CRIES

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Shut up!! Shut up!!

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Baby T's progressing nicely.

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And I see your baby's ready for some daddy-doll art time.

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What?

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How?

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Ah, perfect. Now capture that terror!

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I've got to find a really good place to abandon you.

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The Corridor of Suspicion. Perfect.

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The Locker That Shall Not Be Used.

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Ready to play Hide & No Seek?

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OK. I'm walking away now.

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Good. I guess what goes in these lockers, stays in these lockers.

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"You've just abandoned your baby.

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"It's time for a Choc-O-Splosion break."

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HE GROANS

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Tanner, are you eating in my class?

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No.

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But, why won't you have a playdate with my baby?

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Because your baby has, like, a big round grapefruit head.

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No need to be insulting.

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It's not because her head fell off because I was hugging her too hard.

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Mitchell, can we have a playdate?

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Nah, ditched my doll.

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Be seated.

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Please have your homework or a believable excuse

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ready as I come past your desk.

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So, what's your excuse today, Tanner?

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Ah ha! No excuse, Nimrod, because, for once, I have

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done my homework...or at least copied Becky's on time.

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Hang on, that's not what it looked like earlier.

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How did you fit in there? And... Ahhhhh!

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Ahhhh!

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Templeton, you have to help me. I need to ditch this doll!

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Well, Tarquin needs new batteries.

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You can give Tarquin your doll's batteries.

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Like an organ transplant. But for batteries.

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And for dolls.

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Brilliant!

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Errg! Of course it hasn't got batteries!

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Can this doll get any weirder?! I've had enough.

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If you can't bin it, break it.

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High-five! Doll defeated!

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Now a bird's got it!

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No!

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Daddy! Why'd you do that, daddy?

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Why? Why?

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Argggh!

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He startled the bird. Thanks!

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Mitchell.

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Mr G, you know I don't throw the term "evil" around.

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Let's see, "Homework is evil," "Tests, evil,"

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"George Eliot, for writing such long books, evil."

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There's something evil about this doll!

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Of all the excuses...

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Look!

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Say something. C'mon.

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It doesn't have to be evil,

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just "Hello, Mr Garden, I'm a creepy doll."

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Mitchell, have you ever heard of the boy who cried wolf?

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Was he the kid who ran off with three little pigs last year?

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Look, either you do this assignment or I'll be forced to take

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drastic action.

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Will it involve a stake and some holy water?

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Are you available for parties?

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I suppose I could supplement my meagre income... No!

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You've been sent here to talk about this doll.

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Yeah, creepy isn't it?

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Here at this school, we don't use terms like "creepy."

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"Creepy," "Odd," "Unnatural," "Unexplained," "Possibly Hellish"

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It's haunted!

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Yes, "haunted," too.

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They're all just words children use to distract me

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from their disobedient behaviour.

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Oh, Mr Abercrombie, look!

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I will not look, Tanner,

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because that is exactly what you want me to do.

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Actually, sir,

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what I really want you to do is keep standing up with your eyes open.

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Oh, really? We'll see about that.

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Any other way you'd like to "outsmart" me, Tanner?

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Uh, no, all set, thanks.

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Now, about this baby doll.

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Changed my mind. I'll stick with the assignment.

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Come, widdle baby.

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Oh, did the big creepy headmaster scare you? Daddy will pwotect you.

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Make sure to yell at me and punish me as I walk out.

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I'll do no such thing!

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You have a wonderful day and thanks for visiting!

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TANNER LAUGHS

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Hey there, Mitchell.

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Hi.

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I don't know whether you're the spawn of some psychotic demon

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or just haunted by a malevolent spirit, I don't care.

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What I need to know is, are you up for more fun?

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Fun with Daddy.

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Eh?!

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BABY CRIES

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If it won't shut up, give it a sweet.

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That's what my mum does with my dad.

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Woo-hoo!

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ALL: Ah!

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Ha-ha-ha.

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Aaah!

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Won't you eat for Mummy, please, baby?!

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Do you want to teach me I should never have children

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and I'll end up a spinster in an apartment full of a thousand cats

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and actually that would be great because I love cats and I could

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spend my days naming them

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and there'd be Whisky Whiskers and Mr Smudge...

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Mitchell, I thought you wanted to get rid of your baby?

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Me? Never! I'm the proudest parent ever.

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Isn't that right, Mitchell Junior?

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Oh. What do you feed it?

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I don't know. Sweets and stuff.

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Sweets?! That's not responsible.

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My Tarquin only eats organic, locally sourced pretend babyfood.

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Chocolate, Daddy.

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I haven't got any. We ate it all

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Hey!

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Aw, he's so cute when he's disrespecting me.

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Oh, doll thing! Demon dipes!

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Mitchell Junior?

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I told you, I don't have any more chocolate!

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Tanner! What have you done to this doll?

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What do I do?!

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I'd do as it says.

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Chocolate!

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Tanner, this is your baby and it's your responsibility! Talk to it!

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Yes. Baby. Do stop.

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I guess.

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You called for me, Mr A?

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The doll! It was alive!

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And demanding chocolate!

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You, too? Sometimes I think something's weird with this school.

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Uh, yes?

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But of course there's always a logical explanation.

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According to my ill-informed pap psychology, Mitchell's just gotten

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carried away and is using this doll as a projection of his own feelings.

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Like a ventriloquist.

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Yes, puppets. Creepy.

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Mitchell. It's time for you, me and the baby to get our heads

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together for some heavy-duty happiness facilitation.

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-Hey?

-Grab the doll and come with me.

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OK

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RELAXING MUSIC

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Mitchell, let's communicate, talk this through and find some closure.

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-Huh?

-I was your age once.

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That's hard to believe.

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The one thing I hated more than anything else was being told

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what to do.

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Go cram sticks up your nose.

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Yes, like that. But then I realised something.

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You like sticks up your nose.

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No, that maybe - and I'm the first to

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shrug off the formitude of rules, yeah - but maybe some things

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at school were actually designed to bring harmony to all, you know.

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That maybe...

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You were a wing-wang-ding-dang-doodle-pop?

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That maybe I was a wing-wang...

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All I'm saying, it's only a suggestion rather than

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an uncool and heavy order, is act responsibly with your doll.

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It might do you good to learn to say "No", right?

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No.

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Very good. I think we've had a real breakthrough.

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'Evs.

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Aaaaah.

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Oh?

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-So, I got to be more strict with my doll.

-Feed me.

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OK, but it's got to be stuff you don't like.

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That's how you parent, right?

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-By making your kids do everything they don't like?

-Feed me chocolate.

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No yummy food for you!

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That's good, Mitchell. Besides, these are just fake babies.

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It's not like they can do anything about it.

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Chocolate! Ha-ha-ha!

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Now do you believe me?

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Tarquin, can you say "Demon child?"

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-IN THE VOICE OF GOLLUM:

-Precious chocolate. We wants it.

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We needs it.

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We meet again.

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Mm. Choc-o-late.

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You and I know there's not enough chocolate for the both of us.

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My little evil demon baby! We've got to stop him!

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We're too late!

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Tarquin, shield your eyes!

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No, Tiny Dude! Pranking teachers is fine.

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Chewing on their limbs, not so much.

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I. Said. No.

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Bad doll! Bad!

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Chocolate!

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Here boy, catch!

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Whoops.

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Help me!

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Tiny dude!

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Help me, da-da.

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No!

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Well, looking on the bright side, at least Mitchell's learned to say no.

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Daddy. Daddy!

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That doll may have been a crazed porcelain psychopathic menace,

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but it's MY crazed porcelain psychopathic menace.

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I'm responsible for him.

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You shouldn't blame yourself.

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It wasn't all the fault of your bad parenting that led

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to his terrible behaviour.

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I wouldn't go that far. We have to save him!

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-Also, I sort of like him.

-Awww!

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Are you sure our babies will be safe while we do this?

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Please, we got the best - and only - baby-sitter available.

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And here's the new leather boots from Gucci

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for Autumn.

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I don't really like 'em, but they're probably good for kicking things.

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Whoa - a mass of chomping cogs and crunching machinery for pulverising

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stuff into smithereens turning it into unrecognisable mess.

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Just like my grandmother's kitchen.

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-Daddy.

-We're coming tiny dude! Hold on!

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Daddy.

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I'm coming, junior! Nothing can stop me now!

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-Cool, a deflated football

-Mitchell!

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Daddy!

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Mitchell Junior! Catch hold of this!

0:18:170:18:20

Daddy!

0:18:220:18:24

Nooooooooooooooooo! Collectively.

0:18:240:18:26

Mitchell, he is like you! He weaselled his way through it!

0:18:310:18:36

That's my boy. Come on!

0:18:360:18:37

Where are you, little scary dude?

0:18:430:18:47

BANGING

0:18:470:18:48

That can't be good.

0:18:480:18:50

Did it sound like a "ka-chink" or a "ka-chunk"?

0:18:500:18:53

We're hoping for a ka-chunk. That's machine sound for stopping.

0:18:530:18:57

I'm thinking it was ka-chunky.

0:18:570:19:00

ALL: Aaah!

0:19:000:19:02

We need something to hold the walls! Quick.

0:19:020:19:04

Ken Kong's pencil!

0:19:050:19:07

-Phew.

-Daddy.

0:19:100:19:13

Eh? He must have climbed out of the pit using that ladder.

0:19:130:19:18

Junior, you're safe! Except we're not! Help us!

0:19:180:19:20

-I promise I'll give you as much chocolate as you want!

-Mitchell!

0:19:200:19:23

Think of something healthier and less evil making like...raisins.

0:19:230:19:27

Where are we going to get raisins in here?

0:19:270:19:29

I've got some in my pocket!

0:19:290:19:30

I used them for eyes on my doll's grapefruit head.

0:19:300:19:33

Hey, Tiny Dude!

0:19:350:19:36

I'm going to throw you some delicious chocolate-like lumps!

0:19:360:19:39

Chocolate.

0:19:390:19:41

Sort of.

0:19:410:19:42

What do I always say?!

0:19:460:19:48

"Healthy food never does anything good."

0:19:480:19:50

"Especially raisins."

0:19:500:19:52

Hey! Didn't you just get recycled?

0:19:560:19:58

You can't recycle something into the same thing.

0:19:580:20:01

That makes too much sense!

0:20:010:20:02

The doll is alive! Alive!

0:20:030:20:05

Yeah, we already were starting to suspect.

0:20:050:20:08

Still... Aaaah!

0:20:080:20:11

I haven't even had time to work out my last words.

0:20:130:20:16

What if those were them?!

0:20:160:20:18

Or those?!

0:20:180:20:19

I have often wondered how it would all end.

0:20:190:20:21

Perhaps going down on a burning ship in an icy ocean or an icy

0:20:210:20:24

ship on a burning ocean. Or eaten by a tiger on a trapeze.

0:20:240:20:28

Admittedly, that last one was more of a dream.

0:20:280:20:30

-ALL: Aaah!

-Daddy.

0:20:300:20:32

Tiny Dude! I knew you'd be back!

0:20:320:20:36

Not really. But it's good for him to hear it.

0:20:360:20:38

The dolls! They're clogging up the machinery!

0:20:450:20:48

Not Tarquin!

0:20:480:20:49

-Daddy!

-That's my boy! Breaking school property!

0:20:540:20:58

What?

0:21:010:21:02

Well done, Mitchell.

0:21:020:21:04

You're the only person in class to have passed the assignment.

0:21:040:21:06

Despite some early hiccups,

0:21:060:21:08

you turned your doll into an upstanding member

0:21:080:21:11

of the community...by destroying the rest of the community.

0:21:110:21:14

Now THAT is responsibility.

0:21:140:21:17

What I planned to do all along.

0:21:170:21:18

Where's Mitchell Junior? Shouldn't he be celebrating Daddy's first A?

0:21:180:21:22

As a parent the most important lesson to learn is

0:21:220:21:25

when to let your children find their own way in the world.

0:21:250:21:28

And besides he was getting a bit boring.

0:21:280:21:29

I gave him to someone he had more in common with.

0:21:290:21:31

I think they'll be happy together.

0:21:310:21:33

Oh precious, precious chocolate!

0:21:400:21:45

# Come and meet my special little guy He's not a crazy demon who might try

0:21:450:21:49

# To ruin your life

0:21:490:21:50

# He may be a nipper who Escaped to the dark side

0:21:500:21:53

# But I'm sure he's more A baby by the book

0:21:530:21:56

# And I'm sure there's nothing to that freaky beady eye look. #

0:21:560:21:59

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