The MCDXX Men Strange Hill High

# Creepy ain't the word

# Freaky ain't the word

# Sneaky ain't the word

# See what I've observed

# Is there's no easy way to describe this geeky place

# Even geeky place doesn't tell you what I need to say

# This is Strange Hill, where a talking frog can eat your face

# It's very, very random, you'll get use to these debates

# If you stick around

# Although I wouldn't recommend it

# When they use the name strange, mate, they really meant it

# There's some things in life in which you just don't mess

# On every vest I got the letters SOS

# Cos you never know what might be lurking 'round the corner

# And what it might do if it ever found or saw you

# Keep the lights on in the hallways all day

# Things won't always tend to go your way

# Watch your back and be prepared

# Can't wait for 3:30 See you there. #

BELL RINGS

Yeah, come on, little '90s dude!

Mitchell!

In a minute. Whoa!

Argh!

You're in trouble now, Mitchell.

I told you not to play Skateboard Hero while skateboarding.

No, you told me that video games are...are...

A mindless distraction from everything around you!

-Say what now?

-Templeton, you tell him

I'm sorry, Becky. I'm oblivious to my immediate social environment.

-SHE SCREAMS

-Will everyone stop playing games?!

This isn't a "game," it's a device that emits

all my favourite bleeping noises,

for example, number 8-0-1-2.

BLEEPING

Brilliant.

Argh! What happened?

Well, you got hit by something that obviously was not me

on a skateboard.

It could've been a...hallway...ostrich...stampede.

I'm quite familiar with hallway ostrich stampedes, Tanner.

You can't fool me.

No, the last thing I remember is some kind of annoying tune.

-MUSIC PLAYS

-That's the one!

Tanner!

Shush, this is the tricky bit. Whoa!

Your electro-games and clever phones

are causing too much trouble in this school,

nearly as much as your claims of monsters and ghosts.

Quiet! A monkey's throwing barrels at me.

You pupils are becoming so distracted that...

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Yeah, I'm in assembly.

Turn that off! So distracted that...

No, it's just the headmaster.

So distracted that no work is get...

-PHONE RINGS

-What?

Did you see how mad Abercrombie's getting? It's sort of funny.

It is not funny!

Oh, he's noticed. Hang up. I'll text you.

BEEPS

Silence those things!

So distracted that no-one is learning.

FEMALE VOICE: 'I am learning.'

'The silence was incredible. Not a sound was...'

Quiet! Turn off your infernal machines!

BEEPS

That's it, these things are banned!

From now on, any beeping gadget found in school will be confiscated,

starting with this game! Where's it gone?

Just need to finish a level, then you can confiscate it.

Stop him!

Wocka, wocka, wocka!

Uh-oh.

Finish him!

Looks like there'll be no Elevator Action for you, Tanner.

Not even any Elevator Action II, which isn't as good.

Uh-oh.

Game over. Game over, man.

Lock them away in the Basement of Eternal Banishment

until the end of time.

You mean, lock them away in our regular basement

until the end of term?

-Must you ruin my fun?

-Arr.

Those things are a waste of time.

Children should concentrate on the finer things in life,

like geography, proper punctuation,

and the intricacies of the Quadratic Formula.

You and I have a very different definition of "finer things".

Arr.

HE WHISTLES

Don't worry, I'll get our stuff back,

all of it, especially mine.

But how are we going to rescue those things?

The basement stairs are locked.

Stairs aren't the only way into a basement.

Yes, there's also burrowing and seeping through floors.

R-i-i-i-ight. Also...

The old abandoned elevator!

They say whoever last rode it was raised or lowered to their doom!

I say lowered because it's more diabolical.

Pfft! Can't be scared of a bunch of legends.

No, but I am scared of actual electrocution...and plummeting...

and being crushed by falling lifts.

And I'm scared of moles.

No-one's going to be electrocuted, plummet down a shaft,

or get moled, OK?

It'll be one or two of those things at the most.

It's like a big, red button saying, "Push me."

Yes, except it's exactly the opposite.

Mitchell!

ALL: Argh!

If we continue this way forever, we'll be fine.

ALL: Argh!

Plummeting and electrocution - that wasn't too bad.

Ow! Mole!

Where are we? Where do we go?

Let's play follow the mole.

My grandfather used to say that was his favourite game

and even though I'm pathologically scared

and he was eaten by a gigantic mole, he was a great role model.

Anybody have any better plans?

-Now accepting any plans at all.

-Um...

Temps! Wait up!

THEY GASP

I don't think we should be here.

You didn't think we should poke the school alligator with a pencil.

It ate my desk.

OK, well, think of a different occasion where you were wrong

and pretend I said that. SHE SIGHS

Hey, terrifying figures, cool sinister looming.

Just wondered if you'd seen a basement round here?

Or a box of electronic devices? Or just specifically my video game?

OK, I've gone off the sinister looming. Let's get out of here.

No, Mr Mole. I told you, the game is done.

HE SCREAMS

These are just costumes.

They're not just costumes, they're superhero costumes.

Look.

Whoa! It's like some sort of medieval justice league.

Medieval superheroes! Holey moley, Ratman!

No, mole-y hole-y.

'The denizens of Strange Hille be plagued by a rash,

'not the rash from the Plague, but a rash of crime!'

'Help! A cut-purse hath stolen my satchel of saffron!'

'Help! My eating cats hath been poached!'

'Help! This stick hath become bewitched

'and forces me to be slothful!'

'But where there be criminals, there be heroes!

'Ratman, the dark, slightly unsanitary knight!

'Iron Maiden! She packeth a punch she doth!

'And the Leech! He sticks around for adventure!

'Wherever injustice be done in Strange Hille, they are there.

'They are...'

"Ye Olde Righteousness League of 1430."

Well, it's no Watchmen, but it's OK for a comic.

It's not a comic, it's a graphic tome.

And it's pronounced "THE Old", not "Ye Old-ie".

Whatever it is, I think it's a history of how these heroes

protected the school.

Look at these tapestries.

Illustrated manuscripts!

All these look like they took place in the school!

METAL RATTLES

This machine must be some sort of remote crime scanner.

"Automatic Rubricator", It says so right on the panel.

Somewhere up above,

there must be sensors that have been in the school for centuries.

Dance like a chicken or we'll make you dance like a chicken.

That's not much of a choice, fellows.

Oh, no! That looks like Matthews and apparently he's being vexarentured!

Nobody gets vexarentured on our watch.

Look, a blob is stealing shapes from children!

That Miss Grimshaw and she's confiscating more electronics!

What are we going to do?

There's only one thing we can do.

We're going to fight for truth, protect the innocent

and bring justice back to this school!

And the most important thing of all...

..get my game back.

# Back from history

# Shrouded by mystery

# Ye Olde Righteousness League!

# They're strong and just

# They're covered in dust

# Ye Olde Righteousness League!

# Ratman, he's got gadgets

# He's the hero of his age

# He swings about on ropes and hooks

# And carries the bubonic plague... #

Thank you, stranger!

Oh, I've got the plague!

# Iron Maiden is a wonder

# She's made of iron and steel

# She's got the strength of 20 men... #

CHEERING

# And she's powered by a water wheel

# The Leech hides in the shadows

# So make sure you're well lit

# He'll stick himself to your bare skin

# With his antiseptic spit... #

CHEERING

# They're back from the past

# The school's free at last

# Ye Olde Righteousness League

# Ye Olde Righteousness League! #

CHEERING

That's "THE Old Righteousness League"!

HE SCREAMS

Who are these masked hooligans? They're making us look like fools!

Not one of you has managed to give them a detention, not one.

Thwarting superheroes really wasn't in my job description.

-We could surrender and beg for mercy!

-I need time off.

THEY GASP

You want to stop them? The rat fella? The metal girl?

And the sticky boy? You've come to the right person.

-We didn't come to you.

-What you need is...

A trap! We're carked!

If we're here past dimpse, we're dretched!

Hark! What's that a faffling?

Fools, fapdoodles, dost thou think your bluttering will stop my flerd?

-What sort of foul smellsmock be you?

-Who be me?!

Why, with the merest floccinaucinihilipilification,

I shall tell you. I am he who stole all the magic in the world!

And once I possess your magic, I will rixle the entire world

and you'll be the fonkins.

For I am The Knavish Rapscallion!

HE LAUGHS

The Knavish Rapscallion is very evil, even to badgers.

Did they defeat him in the end?

Don't ask! I don't want to know!

WHISPERING

You guys hear that?

Maybe if I tell you what happens while covering my ears.

-That's a great idea!

-Pardon?

WHISPERING

What...happens...in the end?

I...can't...hear you.

I'll tell you what happens in the end.

They did defeat the Rapscallion, but his evil essence escaped

and hid inside his costume,

waiting to take over whoever is foolish enough to put it on.

Mitchell!

The crime scanner!

Automatic rubricator!

It's...rubricating.

If my Latin is correct - and it probably isn't because I don't know

any - they're moving the confiscated gadgets to a more secure location.

Either that, or the crazy bus is ready to take us to...Luton.

Let's finish this, or start it, or something that involves me

getting to level 14 of Skateboard Hero.

Ugh! Get it off! It's disgusting!

You know, I can hear you.

-Empty?!

-It's a trap!

THEY SHOUT

HE LAUGHS

Expecting to find some of these?

My game! I mean, that cool kid Mitchell's game!

You'll rue the day you went against me. Miss Grimshaw, give them...

a verbal warning!

Nooo!

Nice try, Abercrombie, but you're forgetting one thing -

rats love to gnaw through rope!

HE LAUGHS

Cool, but ewww.

I just remembered, I think I left my moustache trimmer plugged in.

HE SCREAMS

No! Please! I'll give you extra break time!

You can skip your least favourite class. What is it, music?

Everyone hates music class!

You can't buy off the Righteousness League!

Whenever an innocent student gets their phone confiscated,

whenever a bully... Oh, cool, my game.

Your game? Tanner!

Aagh!

Moles!

I wonder what scared them off?

HE SCREAMS

Let me out! I'm a headmaster!

WHISPERING

HE SCREAMS

Mitchell, are you OK?

Huh? Yeah. Got game back.

And Mr Abercrombie? Where is he?

The elevator!

Power-up - nice.

THEY GASP

Oh, hello, Iron Maiden. Hello, Leech.

I haven't seen you two around here since the 13th century.

How's the crime fighting going?

With everyone chasing those costumed losers about,

we can nick the phones for ourselves.

We just need the key to the basement.

Yet instead you have found...the Knavish Rapscallion!

Who?

Me! The mightiest warlock ever to walk the school!

Why does nobody ever know who I am?

But before I destroy you, tell me, what manner of thing is this?

It's a calculator, innit?

This calculator-innit is strong with magic. Observe.

I press these numbers and behold! It spelleth "GOGGLES"!

HE LAUGHS

And name me this artefact.

It's a TV remote.

What power it has! See, I place it down here...

And yet when I look back... Where is it?

I only put it down a second ago!

Have you looked down the back of the chair?

What sorcery! This power will set me up above the gods!

If you like that, there's some even better technology

stuff in the basement.

Then I shall take it!

Once I stole all the magic from the world,

now I will steal all its technology.

With these powers at my disposal, I will bring humanity to its knees

and you shall be my slaves.

Now, show me how to make a copy of my bottom on this.

We've got to find out who escaped the cave. Mitchell, any ideas?

Shush. Level Nine.

Let's look at the evidence. It scared the moles

and what are moles most scared of?

That's correct, onions and squirrels and failure.

So where does that lead us?

To some kind of failed onion/squirrel hybrid experiment...

like this.

And who do we know who has a drawing of such an experiment?

Me. Therefore I did it.

-Templeton...

-Just a minute while I thwart myself.

I think it might be them!

Take all modern technology! Their clothes as well!

All synthetic fibres!

Even the power of latex shall be mine!

HE LAUGHS

The Rapscallion! He's escaped and he's stealing all our modern stuff!

This is a job for Ye Olde Righteousness League!

"THE old."

Fine, I'll do it myself.

I'm a lowly peasant!

Please, spare an MP3 player.

A memory stick then? Thompson Twins Cassingle? Anything!

Fear not, I will defeat this evil tyranny and save the school...

-if you could just give my water wheel a bit of a spin.

-OK.

THEY SCREAM

Where's The Rapscallion? Tell me!

Have you tried looking behind you?

Iron Maiden, I will destroy you!

But first, bear witness to my mastery of technology!

SHE SCREAMS

Good morrow, this is Rapscal23. I hope you guys like my vids.

I thought today I'd chat a bit about diabolical vengeance...

Mitchell, help, he's destroying the school!

And he's making me retweet his super-lame tweets!

"Sundays are fun days"? Really?

Excellent! Three more "follows"! See how my profile grows stronger?

Now, tweet this to Katy Perry.

Soon the whole world will know of my power!

HE LAUGHS

Mitchell!

In a minute. I've almost won.

"Skateboard hero!

"Be the hero!"

Oh!

"You don't need batteries to be a hero."

You talking to me, game boy?

"The power is within you.

"Buy more batteries."

I've been ignoring stuff again, haven't I?

Yes. In good news, I've finally subdued the Leech.

This Green Scallion guy's pretty powerful.

Knavish Rapscallion!

Whatever. We're going to need backup.

Uh-oh...

This union of magic and technology is invincible!

Today, I take over your school.

Tomorrow, I edit together a video of my favourite bits!

The day after that, all the gadgets in the world will be mine!

Meh. You ain't even got all the gadgets in the school.

HE GASPS

The Okenzo Playbox 3D?

The very same.

I have heard tale of such a device.

It gets 97% on TechBox.com,

although they do say the bonus levels are a little underwhelming.

Well, if you don't want it...

I will have it! I will doeth a video review!

Catch it if you can!

HE LAUGHS

It is mine! All mine!

Although I see what they mean about the bonus levels.

Mitchell, why didn't you come in costume?

No time to change. Someone needed to keep Green Scallion busy

-while my reinforcements suited up.

-Cooperman!

Siegebreaker!

The Fabulous Flying Fishmongers!

Hee-ya! Yee-ha!

The Incredible Sulk.

What?

And don't forget their mascot...

PageBoy!

# You took away their gadgets

# And made them very glum

# Now they'll have sweet revenge

# And kick you up the bum. #

HE LAUGHS

Never! I will destroy you all...

and take photos to update my blog.

Hee-ya. Yee-ha.

HE LAUGHS

HE SCREAMS

I always thought I'd defeat a villain by my wits,

but I guess it's going to be my absorbency.

They're just harmless fish out of water!

Not for long!

He's shorting out! Keep going!

Nooo!

It's over, Rapscallion. We have you now.

On the contrary, all you've got is your headmaster!

Ow! Ooh! Get off!

I'll call your parents.

We have to catch his spirit before it gets away!

I've got just the thing...

Well, that's the end of our superhero career.

Did you manage to catch the spirit of the Rapscallion, Mitchell?

Can't take part in human activity. Playing.

I hate this! I will destroy you!

He never learns.

Still, it was great learning about the heroes who protected the school.

Shame there's no-one like that these days.

# Faster than a speeding snail

# More powerful than a local rodent

# It's the team of the moment

# We're the heroes, the heroes, the heroes, the heroes

# Dropped a super guy so we got the super boasts

# Super villains come super close, we make them super toast. #