Big Templeton Is Watching You Strange Hill High

RAP MUSIC # Creepy ain't the word

# Freaky ain't the word

# Sneaky ain't the word

# See, what I've observed is

# There's no easy way to describe this geeky place

# Even geeky place doesn't tell you what I need to say

# This is Strange Hill

# Where a talking frog can eat your face

# It's very, very random, you'll get use to these debates

# If you stick around

# Although I wouldn't recommend it

# When they use the name Strange, mate, they really meant it

# There's some things in life with which you just don't mess

# On every vest, I got the letters S-O-S

# Cos you never know what might be lurking 'round the corner

# And what it might do if they ever found or saw you

# Keep the lights on in the hallways, all day

# Things won't always tend to go your way

# Watch your back and be prepared

# Can't wait for 3:30, see you there! #

Tanner shoots...

but it's deflected by Tanner!

Gah!

Mitchell, what are you doing?

Footbook. I invented it.

-It's like football, but instead of a ball -

-Yeah, thanks, Einstein.

And Tanner steals it from Tanner!

BLOWS HORN

No vuvuzelas in the library!

CRASH

Goal!

Uh-oh.

Mitchell, you shattered the Prophecy Window!

That's been part of the school for a very, very, very long time!

-Not any more.

-I liked that window.

I reckon if a fireball destroyed the school,

we'd get a half-day off, minimum.

-Which one of you did this?!

-Did what?

Broke. The. Prized. Stained. Glass. Prophecy. Window.

Will you look at that?

Falling glass could be a hazard. Thanks for the warning.

MITCHELL LAUGHS

Might want to watch for falling books, too.

SHE SIGHS

If you break a prophecy window, does it break the prophecy?

I'd never live it down if I saved the school from a horrible fate.

Don't worry. There's no such thing as fate.

Yes, there is, or we'd fall over.

No, Templeton, that's feet. I'm talking fate.

-You know, kismet? Destiny?

-The mean girls in Year Eight?

No, the idea that we can't change our future.

If it's all been decided already, why do anything at all?

Hey, I could get into this fate thing.

Mitchell! Why are you lying on the floor?

Sh! I'm snoozing.

It is my destiny.

Tanner.

When that boy finally leaves this school, I shall take great pleasure

in visiting his place of work and dancing round his bucket.

-I didn't actually see him do it.

-No matter.

Nothing escapes my state of the art surveillance system.

SIZZLE, CRACK

Tanner did that.

And here's the proof.

Beady eyes on you.

I can't quite... It won't... If I could...

Have you tried banging your fist on your head and cursing at the machine?

-Come on you second hand piece of...

-MITCHELL CHUCKLES

Sir, if I may?

Without evidence, I don't think it's fair to detain Mitchell.

Miss Butters, if Mr Tanner needs a lawyer,

he can be represented by the school cat, like everybody else.

-It's written in the school rules.

-Written rules.

My favourite form of behaviour control...

next to the beady-eyed glare.

-Can I go?

-You're going nowhere, Tanner.

It'll be a cold day in Ibiza when I let you run this school

and I've got you this time!

BOOM

Right. You can go.

The security cameras were meant to make this school

a prison of education -

and a place where I can have long, uninterrupted coffee breaks.

Doesn't anybody respect rules any more?

Without rules and laws, where would we be? Where would gravity be?

We'd just be wild apes, floating about, stealing each others bananas.

You may be weird but I'm glad someone take regulations seriously.

How would you like...a hat?

As I'm terribly busy with important school business -

which obviously in no way involves eating a pack of biscuits -

you are now School Monitor-Monitor.

I've memorised all 12 volumes of the school rules

so I'll make sure people do things by the book, Sir.

These are probably instructions to all this.

You're now in complete charge of rule enforcement.

If there is an emergency...

bother someone else.

Hmmm. I've a lot of fixing to do.

Hmmm. Hmmm.

Hmmm.

Hmmm.

-CRACKLING

-Argggghhh!

SIZZLING

CRACKLING

Ah-ha!

HE GASPS

-SLURPING

-Um, interesting...

No licking school property!

My finger's not school property.

-TANNOY:

-Ordinance 5, Codicil 6B: Sticky Or Icky Substances.

"Transference of said substance by finger or other conveyance

"shall be considering licking."

Um...

Oh. He's right.

-No dropping crumbs.

-Ah!

No playing footbook inside school.

What?

It was footbook that got you there in the first place.

This is ridiculous.

Templeton plus CCTV equals Mitchell having no fun.

-It's like he's watching my every move.

-'It's impolite to point.'

How am I supposed to practise footbook

with Big Brother watching me?

-Go somewhere he can't see you.

-But the cameras are everywhere.

Everywhere except....

I don't need an assistant.

I could bring you drinks.

You'd put them on surfaces without a coaster. It would be chaos.

-Besides, you don't have a hat.

-I could get one.

-No!

There can be only one. It is fated.

You don't understand the rules at all.

I'm really interested in rules.

Oh, this is interesting. And ruley.

Well, mock me quietly. I have a lot of fixing to do.

You won't know I'm here.

Maybe it's the coupling of the dielectric coaxial insulator...

Aaah!

-Sorry. I got bored.

-Footbook is very against the rules.

And is not going to get this monitor fixed.

CRASH

-Oh!

-I did that on purpose.

-I knew that would happen.

-Like...

-it was fated.

-There's no such thing!

BEEPING

Who's bleeping?

THEY GASP

Behold!

I am now operating at full surveillance capacity.

Hey!

That's us. Hello, us.

Us are very polite.

We're us here, not them there.

But it is us and we're arguing about something.

Wait, when is this from?

It's ten minutes from now!

We can see the future...

You're going to...

steal my hat!

I know anything's possible,

but that's just not possible.

Yet the camera knew where we'd be and what we'd be doing.

No, we came here because we wanted to.

I really wanted to, to prove we wouldn't be here, but now we're here

to prove we wouldn't be here but we're here just as we were!

-Here.

-It was...our destiny.

It's a coincidence.

A predestined coincidence.

-A predestycoincidestidence!

-Eh?

What? I get bored with all this thinky talk.

You know what this does mean?

I can see rule-breaking...

before it even occurs. And stop it!

Give me that. You've gone mad.

Mad as a hat...owner.

So we can see the future?

This. Changes. Everything.

-Oo, tell our future!

-I see...

you paying me £5.

He was right!

Our future's fun. Tell us more fun future.

For another £5, I can really tell your future -

what you'll be doing ten minutes from now.

-BOTH:

-Ooo!

Sorry, Amazing Mitchellini.

As a school employee, I'm obligated to follow the rules,

regardless of how ridiculous or illogical they are.

-Detention. Now.

-What?! Why?

-The crowd is causing an obstruction.

-What crowd?

There isn't a crowd.

Control. We've lost the perp.

He's making a run for it!

Also, I've got to go empty the bins in the gym.

This fortune telling idea could make me...a fortune!

I just need a safe place to set up business.

Let me in!

-I need to use your...OUR room for something.

-Access denied.

I can never be in business with a serious rule-breaker.

-What serious rules?

-Damaging school property.

I haven't broken anything.

CRACK

-Uh oh...

-Ah-ha! See? The tape sees all. The tape is my friend.

-You can't be friends with a tape.

-Yes, I can.

Tapey and I celebrate when Murdoch grabs you by the shoulders.

But Murdoch hasn't grabbed...

me...by...

Murdoch, in your future, I see a caged ape yelling at you from beyond.

-What? Where?

-MITCHELL LAUGHS

After him, you fool.

Argh, the caged ape!

-TANNOY:

-'You can run, Mitchell, but you can't hide.

'Well, you can, but it won't be very effective.

'There is nothing I cannot see...

'except small, moving objects at distances.

'I am all-seeing! I am all-knowing!'

Activate all cameras!

Nothing can stop the rules!

ENGINES GO QUIET

Apart from pressing the wrong button.

-Mitchell?

-No.

Hiding?

He's everywhere. Can't get away with anything.

-You could try behaving.

-I'll ignore that.

Help! Nobody is safe! Nobody!

Says who?

-TANNOY:

-'Nobody is safe! Mwah-hah-hah-hah!'

But Matthews, you're the greatest goody-goody who ever lived.

You never break rules.

What if I forgot to return this library book

and I get thrown in detention for not returning it in the future

and then because I'm in detention, I don't get to return it?!

Detention!

Ahh!

Throwing school property and tossing knowledge around lightly

is against the rules.

I miss cleaning the toilets.

It involved a lot less chasing kids. Arr...

I hope you're happy.

Happy, indeed.

Detention!

-I want to speak to my lawyer.

-Meow.

My lawyer says, "Meow." Got that?

I'm impervious to strong-paw tactics.

Punishing someone before they've done something

must be against the rules.

Ugh.

Standing up and fighting for people's rights

requires a lot of sitting down and reading.

SHE SIGHS

-Oh, hello.

-Meow.

You're right!

If something feels wrong in your heart, it is...

-maybe, but we still need to find a way to fight this.

-Meow.

You and me, together?

HARMONICA MUSIC

TANNOY: 'No sad harmonica.'

-SECOND TANNOY:

-'Keep this frequency clear!

'Mr Murdoch, arrest the woman on the end of that loudspeaker.'

Psst...

Psst! Psst!

Over here.

Come with me if you want to live...

freely.

Arr.

HE GRUMBLES

I haven't been bothered all day.

In fact, I'm totally calm.

Something's horribly wrong!

Miss Grimshaw?

Check the school's still there, would you?

Miss Grimshaw?

Daisy Mae?

-You're next, sunshine.

-AH!

This is an outrage! What have I done?

-Shouting at a member of the curatorial staff.

-Shouting?

He grabbed me!

With his big hairy hands

and breathed on me with his smelly breath... Oh.

-Fiddlesticks.

-'As predicted.'

This detention is beginning to improve considerably.

Yeah, we finally have someone for our little game.

A little game called...

Snakes 'n' Ladders, innit?

What is it? I'm very busy.

-Meow.

-Nonsense.

You don't even know the meaning of the word.

You're infringing on people's rights and bending the very fabric of time.

But am I breaking any school rules?

-No. You're following them to the letter.

-Thank you.

Now, if you don't mind,

I am extremely busy keeping this establishment from anarchy.

I can't begin to even think what you're going to do next.

' "Begin to even think?"

'I will not have split infinitives in my school.'

Bex! No!

That's not a school rule. That's a rule of grammar!

You're lucky.

They got me for ending a sentence with a preposition,

which is something I cannot agree with!

If you can lure him out of his control centre,

I can take control of the control centre...

controls. Let's do this.

Aha!

Mr Murdoch, be in the canteen in five minutes.

A student's going to be making an unauthorised thing of beauty.

Oh, this saddens me, old friend. But I have you now.

I'll have to nab you myself.

Gazza, your sacrifice will not be in vain.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

A double rule break, Mitchell. The rules of school and of perspective.

Look how the shading is on both sides of this letter.

Really, do you think I'm a fool?

The answer, sadly, is yes. Curses!

OK, Templeton, I can outwit you if I know what you're going to do next.

Time for some TV.

Oops, too far forward.

Oops, seen it, too far back.

C'mon! Show me some spoilers.

HIGH PITCHED BEEPING

What's happening? Where's Mitchell?

Oo, Pictionary! Now, that is a fun game for all the family, innit?

He's locked himself in. Just a sec, let me get my door-pounding hand.

-Ah! He's using the screen.

-He can't do any harm.

But he hasn't got the right hat!

It's the prophecy! The school destroyed

by something from the sky. But...why?

Hmmm, Cheese and Onion.

CRACKLING, BOOM

Uh oh...

My door-pounding hand isn't working. Just a sec.

What to do... what to do...

We've got to get in there.

Can you give me a moment of quiet? I'm...

Are you telling ME what to do?

That's challenging my authority. That's against the rules!

-Is it a rainbow on a summer's evening?

-Bad news.

We've eaten the last of the biscuits.

What? No biscuits?! This is inhuman.

Let me out. The walls are closing in! Let me out!

What are you doing here?

I broke the rules.

HE GULPS

-Nooooo!

-We could've eaten that.

-ROBOT:

-Is it a chicken leg?

-No, it's some sort of muffin.

-A chicken pot-pie.

-Chicken pot-pie!

-ALL:

-Yum.

Yo! There's like a fiery ball in the sky or somefing!

I hope it's a fiery meatball.

This must be part of Mitchell's plan.

Yes, it must be! It's all under control. No-one panic!

-ALL:

-Ahhhhhh!

Meteor... Meatier. It is meatballs!

Psst, Bex!

I think the satellite might have got broke while I was playing with the...

-satellite.

-We'll be satellited to smithereens in here.

-You've got to stop it.

-I can't. It was on the screen.

-It's destined to happen.

-Yes, you can.

-You've got free will!

-The movie about the friendly whale?

You can beat fate. Think of it as footbook. Fate is the other team.

There's a flaming satellite in goal.

All you've got to do is kick the book past it.

You can control your future, Mitchell. It's yours for the taking.

Now, take it!

You sure you wouldn't rather let the comet smash the school

-and have the afternoon off?

-Save the school!

-OK!

OK, assuming I want to rescue the school, which is assuming a lot,

I just have one small question...

how?!

There's not a lot of ways to stop a flaming comet.

Stinks, don't it?

"Don't it"... I wish I had a nice jelly doughnut right now.

That's it, Boy I Don't Usually Like!

The Jelly Defence!

-Have you gone mad with hunger?

-No.

But you're eating a drawing of chicken pot pie.

Eating paperwork got my mind going.

The school has an ancient defence system

from back in the Great Marmalade Wars

of the 17th century.

-Many pies were lost.

-It's our only hope.

-It's old, it might not function correctly...

-Like you.

-Tanner!

You're more correct than you know.

The controls of the system are in my office.

Only the Headteacher can operate it. And I'm locked in here.

'Attention.

'The school has stabilised. I am in complete control.

'Mwah-hah-hah-hah!

'Ah-hah-hah-hah-hah!'

He's even following the rules for going mad.

Any minute now he'll be playing sinister chords on an organ.

-SINISTER CHORDS

-Mwah-hah-hah-hah!

Mr A, Mitchell's the last free man!

If you make him Headteacher..

I can give everyone the afternoon off.

-He can activate the shield.

-And that.

Make Tanner Head of Strange Hill?!

I'd rather be destroyed by a...

you-know-what.

Nnn-rrr-argh...

ALL RIGHT! I'll do it.

-ROBOT:

-What about his moustache?

-Hmm...

-Meow!

What's the point of being a hero

if you still have to go to school?

-TANNOY:

-'No running!'

Templeton, this is your new headteacher speaking.

TEMPLETON GASPS

And you...are fired.

Of course, Sir. Rules are rules.

Now get down here and help me sort out this mess...somebody caused.

My very own office.

Just think of everything I can...

Oh, yeah, fireball.

-Whoa! COMPUTER:

-Good day, Headteacher.

Better try all these first.

What's that?

How can I reach it?

Very, very quickly? OK!

There's a flaming satellite in goal.

All you've got to do is kick the book past it.

OK.

LOUD ALARM BLARES

Gooooaaalllll!

Wow!

Hahahaha!

We cheated fate and saved the school!

-No, it was fated that WE saved the school.

-"We"?!

You nearly destroyed us all!

-Did I?

-Yes.

Hmm, yeah, you're right.

Then what's the correct answer?

What is the ultimate answer to the mystery of life?

Meow.