Crushing Embarrassment Strange Hill High

# Creepy ain't the word, freaky ain't the word

# Sneaky ain't the word

# See, what I've observed is there's no easy way

# To describe a sneaky place

# Even geeky place doesn't tell you what I need to say

# This is Strange Hill where a talking frog can eat your face

# It's very, very random, you'll get used to these debates

# If you stick around although I wouldn't recommend it

# When they used the name Strange, mate, they really meant it

# There's some things in life in which you just don't mess

# On every vest I've got the letters S-O-S

# Cos you never know what might be lurking round the corner

# And what it might do if it ever found or saw ya

# Keep the lights on in the hallways all day

# Things won't always tend to go your way

# Watch your back and be prepared, can't wait for 3.30

# See you there. #

Ah, Mitchell, early for school?

-What's going on?

-Nothing.

It's not because it's April Fools' Day

and you're plannin' something, is it?

-No.

-Good.

Besides, school's cancelled on account of giant caterpillars

-roamin' the halls.

-Are they?!

April Fools!

That was last week.

Can I come in? I got stuff to do.

OK, just don't be prankin' no-one.

Of course not!

I love April Fools' Day.

I'm destined to become the world's greatest prankster,

the thing I was meant to be.

It's undeniable.

Come with me, boy.

Erm, somebody else did it.

I'm not stupid, Tanner. I know what day it is.

As a headmaster, it is important to know something.

Nobody likes a good laugh more than me.

HE TRIES TO LAUGH

HE COUGHS

Shall I get the nurse?

Bit out of practice.

April the first is no time for jokes.

Nice one! You're joking, right?

We don't do April Fools' Day here at Strange Hill.

It's too much...

Fun?

..trouble. There was once a boy a lot like you.

-Handsome? Brilliantly funny? Admired by all?

-Tanner!

Liked to interrupt?

A boy who liked pranks. It was a long time ago...

MUSIC PLAYS FROM STEREO

Mr A? Could you give me a hand with my locker?

It seems to be stuck.

Certainly, Mickey. Always happy to help a student!

Sorry, I meant my locker wanted to give you a hand!

That was the last time I ever helped a student. Michael Barrassment.

-And he went on to become a world famous comedian actor?

-No!

I gave him double, maximum security, ultra detention

until he promised to give up his ridiculous antics.

Did he?

I really should check, it has been 25 years.

So before you get any ideas...

-Too late for that.

-Tanner!

No more April Fools' pranks.

Mr A, I swear, on the pile of unfinished homework in my bag,

no more April Fools jokes.

Good. Now get out.

Oh and, Mr A? April Fool!

You won't have the last word, Tanner!

-What?

-Ah!

WHOOPEE CUSHION RASPS

Oh, man!

LAUGHTER

Looks like he messed his pants.

No, it doesn't!

-It, It's red, yo.

-Like your face.

Whoa!

Oh, where'd Bishop go?

Hey! You're actually hurrying somewhere?

First rule of pranking, don't stick around to get caught.

April Fools' Day, oh, no!

What are you up to, Mitchell?

Watch and learn.

Greetings, Earthlings!

Mitchell, that's just cruel.

Telling Templeton it's come to school in your pyjamas day.

-Not one of mine.

-He must be so embarrassed.

Hardly. These pyjamas depict the Titan Warbots from Enigma Quadrant

and they are going to get me 'nuff respect at sci-fi club later.

There's nothing I can do to him

that's worse than what he does to himself.

So you're just going to prank everyone else in school?

Aw, Becks, I'd never prank you.

Ah!

I might prank your locker, though.

Where is everybody?

Mitchell! My glasses?

They're fine. Uh-oh.

Mitchell, you killed my glasses!

I'm Stephanie. Mitchell ran off that way.

Read the letters on the top line of the chart.

What chart?

Oh, I do have spares

but for your prescription the choice is rather limited.

Nobody can see me in these! I'd die of embarrassment.

Tell you what, I'll keep them clean. In my pocket.

Off my face.

What about reading, young lady?

I can learn through smell. I'm fine.

Er...

Erm...

Look out.

How humiliating.

'No stumbling about in the corridors.'

Help!

Can't help, whoever you are. Late for a lesson!

Er...

CRASHING

Phew. Did I miss anything?

No, you walked into every single thing on the way in.

I thought you were scoring a pair of Beckynoculars.

I did but they're too vile to be worn by humans.

April Fools, guys!

Here's a joke, your education.

HE LAUGHS

Now let's learn.

-Becky Butters.

-Yes?

Can you tell me what this word means?

Er...it's a word? I think?

Come on, your new Becks Spex can't be that bad.

THEY LAUGH

Come on, guys!

Oh, it's very uncool to laugh in someone's face.

Excuse me. I have something...

in my mouth. Ha-ha-ha!

THEY ALL LAUGH

The shame! The shame!

You laugh at that?

Those glasses are nowhere near as funny as my pranks!

Oh, I wish the ground would open up and swallow me!

Ah!

THEY ALL SCREAM

Hey, what's up?

Something's grabbing people and dragging them under the ground!

Nah, this is all an elaborate April Fools joke. Becky's hiding, right?

That's it, isn't it?

Listen to me, Mitchell, it's Thospeen Crater worms

from Quadrant B!

They're harvesting us as prey to nourish their cyber-queen!

Try to stay in the real world, Obi-Wan Baloney.

Your fondness for reality is very wearing at times.

Come on.

I'm going to find Becky.

SINGING

After I've seen this.

Matthews! Watch out for the worms!

MATTHEWS LAUGHS

-Ah!

-Ah!

Result! Now let's find Becky!

Am I still on the toilet?

This is the end of me.

Actually, we can't see your end.

Ah!

What's the ruckus? I heard embarrassed screaming.

Boy in the girls' toilets!

Goodbye, friends! Ah!

Oh, where'd he go?

A boy!

-Hey!

-HE SNEEZES

Like, I so don't deserve this.

Ah!

S'not my fault.

You said "snot"! Hahaha!

I am so embarrassed.

No!

Becky's not going to find herself. You coming?

Mitchell Tanner,

you are next!

So, erm, what do you think will be for lunch today?

I don't know. Maybe a bowl of panic.

Panic, yell and scream.

Yes, that would be nice. And some run.

-Run!

-Ah!

Students, please take your seats.

Mr Balding, there's a thing sucking people into the bowels

of the earth and it's getting very warm round these parts!

But why? And how? And what? Let's recount everything we know.

A, Apples. They grow on trees. Apricots.

What are you talking about?

You said recount everything I know. I was going alphabetically.

Stop being you for a second and think!

School time is no time for thinking.

Now on with the lesson.

I have been, erm, asked to teach a special lesson.

You see, I, I thought it was called "Making gravies".

I didn't know it was actually about...

Ooh, it's hot in here, isn't it?

Now, when a man and a lady...

When a baby...

Well, it's perfectly natural, isn't it? Nothing to be ashamed...

Ah, yes, Mitchell?

Is this going to be about kissing?

Oh, dear! This can't be good.

Ah!

I figured it out!

Boy, all this running has really gotten my brain going.

It's embarrassment!

Ah, emotion number nine. I've heard of it.

Whatever that creature is, it's feeding off people's embarrassment.

That explains why it's getting so hot around here.

It's whenever people get red and flushed.

Croydonia got extra flushed.

I appreciate your toilet joke in this time of need.

Now if we can embarrass someone, we can get the ground to open up,

sneak down and rescue Becky!

We should probably get all the others while we're there too.

I'm mainly concerned about Becky.

-She's finishing your maths homework, isn't she?

-There is that.

Luckily, I'm great at embarrassing people,

so we just need to find a victim.

I'm too good. There's just you...

And me. Oh. And you.

Let's go with you. You're easier to embarrass.

No, I'm not. I'm chronically lacking in self-awareness.

We're both really frustrating people who are hard to embarrass.

This is going to be tough.

It'll be harder than when Preeb Vuldar tried to neutrobate

the Warjax crabulons from series five of Warpstation Zarg.

What am I saying? It was series six!

I'll never live this down at sci-fi club. How embar...

Becky! Quick! Climb out!

And bring that maths homework if you've got it.

Ah!

Quick, grab my hand!

Miss Grimshaw! Do we have an ominous rumbling drill scheduled for today?

My pyjamas!

I've been expecting you.

EVIL LAUGH

I am The Embarrassment.

And you are in the pit of eternal crushing embarrassment.

Hey, this is the school gymnasium.

Pit of eternal embarrassment!

Nope, it's definitely the gym. Look, there are the basketball hoops.

Oh, fine, it's the gym!

Yes, the site of more embarrassment than anywhere else in a school.

Once my pants fell down during a basketball game.

I was on the bench at the time.

The gym has become my new base of operations and from here,

I will shame the earth into one big red-faced planet.

Isn't that Mars?

Soon I will rule a world enflamed with shame!

Thanks to you, Mitchell.

What you talkin' about, blobby?

I was once like you but they banished me from your world.

Now, thanks to your constant pranking,

I've returned for my revenge.

It will begin with the one you call Abercrombie.

What's Crombie ever done to...?

You're Mickey! Mickey Barrassment!

-M Barrassment!

-I was, once.

Festering in my own embarrassment, I've become something far greater.

And you can be too, Mitchell. Don't you want to defeat Abercrombie?

Well, sure, but...

We'll start with him, then together, we'll wedgie the world!

Hmm, that is a tempting offer.

It is your destiny.

-Mitchell...

-BREATHES HEAVILY LIKE DARTH VADER

..I am your father.

No, you're not. My father's Tony Tanner.

I know, but I always wanted to say that.

Star Wars was huge when I was a kid.

Yeah, so were you.

Ignoring. Now, join me and we'll rule the world together.

Well...

Mitchell, no!

I know I'm on the world's biggest toilet, but don't look at me.

Becky! Do you have my maths homework?

There's been a slight hitch in my completing your homework

given the fact that I've been imprisoned in the

pit of embarrassment possibly for all eternity!

But you mustn't make a deal with The Embarrassment. He loves pranks.

It's probably a trick!

Yeah. How do I know you're not tricking me?

How do you know I am?

I asked first and idiots say, "what?"

What? Well, you don't have to be such a cowfor.

What's a cowfor?

-Milking.

-I'd rather be a jerkway.

-What's a jerkway?

-I don't know.

When was the last time you stepped on a scale?

Ha. Keep going. I can play this game all day.

You like games, eh? Well, let's play a real game.

How about the shame game?

Where we see if I can embarrass you.

And if I win, you free all my friends. And also Tyson.

Hey!

And if you lose, I keep all your friends. And Tyson.

Again!

-And you in the pit of embarrassment.

-The gym?

The pit of embarrassment! For ever!

While I take over the world.

OK.

-ALL:

-Mitchell!

Don't sweat it. I have no shame.

We'll see about that.

Let's play Shame, Set And Match!

Right after this word from our sponsor.

Shame, Set & Match is brought to you by Brown Trousers.

You'll never be embarrassed again when you wear

Brown Trousers.

Thanks, Brown Trousers!

Our contestant tonight,

hoping to go home with the star prize of all my precious captives

is Mitchell Tanner.

Of course, school is the number one place for embarrassment,

so let's start here with our first category.

Mitchell, this morning your pranks caused all these people to be

dragged to my lovely pit.

For you, was that,

A, embarrassing?

B, embarrassing?

Or C, embarrassing?

D. It was fun. I didn't think anyone would end up

clapped in irons at Flabba The Hutt's fartathon.

LAUGHTER

Ugh, one point, Mitchell.

Round two, What Happened Next?

Earlier, Templeton made his mistake about the robots or whatever...

Warjax crabulons in Warpstation Zarg!

Whatever. Watch this clip and tell me what happened next?

"Grab my hand!"

I grabbed his hand.

LAUGHTER

Ooh! Holding hands with a boy?

Let's see where that sits on the Embarrassometer.

He was about to fall down a hole. What I did was brave.

And what's so wrong with holding the hand of someone I like?

Maybe you're just jealous you don't have a friend to hold hands with.

-This isn't about me!

-Sure it is.

You'll have to do better than all this if you want to embarrass me.

Right. At the end of the round Mitchell has two points and

I have a real doozy left in my arsenal.

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Was that the doozy?

Quiet! I'm talking about this.

Mitchell Tanner, who is this?

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Widdle Mitchell wikes his bitty bathy!

That's me. As a baby.

Argh! Sorry. This I have to see.

Oh! That is so cute.

Ha! You can see his winkie!

Embarrassing, isn't it, Mitchell?

Meh. Most people are naked when they take a bath.

I most certainly am not!

What else you got?

I happen to have something from a couple of years ago.

That really won't be necessary.

Oh, I think it is.

Ladies and gentlemen and everyone around the world,

I give you the newspaper from Mitchell's old school.

-Listen...

-Read all about it,

boy calls teacher "Mummy" in class.

-That's not me.

-Then why are you blushing?

OK, maybe it is me but it's not a big deal.

Oh, you called your teacher "Mummy"!

I don't even call my mummy "Mummy."

LAUGHTER

It doesn't need to be a big deal, as long as you're embarrassed by it.

Mitchell, it's OK. We all make little slip-ups.

Though they're not always so sweet!

For ever after that incident, the kids called me "Mummy boy."

Even the teacher once slipped up and said, "Stay after school, Mummy boy."

Your only choice is to hide away.

Or face it.

SHE LAUGHS

Face it and laugh.

I do look funny, actually.

Like my Auntie Agnes.

"'Ello, Becky. Would you like some beans?"

SHE LAUGHS

Hey, these are getting looser!

SHE LAUGHS

Mitchell, if you laugh at yourself, you can break free.

No, you mustn't do that!

I guess it is pretty ridiculous.

HE LAUGHS

THEY ALL LAUGH

Don't laugh with him! Laugh at him!

But it feels nicer to laugh with someone.

THEY ALL LAUGH

Come on, everyone.

It's only your embarrassment that's keeping you here.

Cast off your shame, banish your blushes.

Laugh in the face of adversity and set yourselves free.

Silence, girl with ridiculous glasses!

Never! Stephanie.

I'm snot afraid.

And I look a little flushed!

I am so covered in food stains, I am like a buffet of embarrassment, yo!

No!

THEY ALL LAUGH

C'mon, Templeton, can't you laugh at yourself?

But I take everything seriously.

Though I suppose my rigid adherence to mundane facts about

made-up characters is rather comical.

Right. Now let's get out of here.

-ALL:

-Yeah!

I may be a sad sack of potatoes,

but once you've embarrassed yourself,

it's very hard to get out of it!

ABERCROMBIE LAUGHS

Oh?

Come on, come on, Princess. That's it.

Come on, Princess Pansy Patchouli.

Duchess Doolally Dancer is coming to your party... Ah!

A grown man like you, playing with Pinky The Pony?

Oh, well, I, I...

Ah!

EMBARRASSMENT DEFLATES LIKE A WHOOPEE CUSHION

Abercrombie, no!

Michael Barrassment? What are you doing here?

What are you all doing in here? Get back to your classes!

Looks like you were your own whoopee cushion. So long, sucker.

Pinky The Pony? They're quite collectable, Mr Abercrombie.

Worth a bit of money.

Are they?

I mean, yes, yes, they are. Quite. An investment.

For adults. Yes.

Tidy yourself up, Barrassment. Detention!

And...eugh!

Don't make fun.

# First name Tricky, second name Mitchy

# Welcome to the fun house, I'm going to prank you

# And I'm doing so well you'll probably say thank you

# Ain't no other kid, who take the mick like me

# Or got tricks like me Give it time you'll see. #