Mitchell Who? Strange Hill High

# Creepy ain't the word

# Freaky ain't the word

# Sneaky ain't the word

# See what I've observed

# Is there's no easy way

# To describe this geeky place

# Even geeky place doesn't tell you what I need to say

# This is Strange Hill

# Where a talking frog can eat your face

# It's very, very random

# You'll get used to these debates if you stick around

# Although I wouldn't recommend it

# When they used the name "Strange", mate, they really meant it

# There's some things in life with which you just don't mess

# On every vest I've got the letters SOS

# Cos you never know what might be lurking round the corner

# And what it might do if it ever found or saw ya

# Keep the lights on in the hallways all day

# Things won't always tend to go your way

# Watch your back and be prepared

# Can't wait for 3.30

# See you there! #.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

This is the weirdest thing ever!

I'm actually enjoying a class!

Of course you enjoy art, silly boy!

-Art is nothing but fun, driven by extreme suffering.

-Great, isn't it?

I wonder what people used to do with gluey shredded newspaper

before they invented papier mache?

I expect they had to dump it in huge piles in the street which would

keep growing and growing until there were mountains of it everywhere!

Falling in avalanches! Burying everyone in gluey, sticky paper!

-Mitchell! Those poor people!

-Becky, chill.

-They have invented papier mache.

-Oh, thank goodness!

We're so lucky we live in a time where no-one gets

-covered in papery gloop.

-Apart from Templeton.

I'm not covered, I'm cocooned.

This is my project.

It's a papier mache alien nest.

And I've made a friendship mural. Of us!

Wow. As toilet-based monster flashback dioramas go,

that's better than average.

Ooh, I like your papier mache desk... And paint brushes...

And Matthews...

MUFFLED SPEECH

You've just covered everything in papier mache, haven't you?

Hey, this is conceptual art, or whatever it is they call it

-when nobody understands art stuff.

-Aaaahhhh!

BECKY GASPS

What a glorious mess!

If I were your messiness instructor, I would give you an A.

But as your art teacher, I must give you an...

F! That's the last time I work hard in a lesson. Also the first.

Oh, it's ruined!

Do you think it would help if I offered to fix that?

Yes. In your case, I think

offering to fix would be even better than actually fixing it.

That's what I thought too. Let me take care of that, Becky.

You won't just shove it away somewhere and forget all about it?

Of course not!

Yaaahhhh!

Oh!

-Sorry, Samia.

-Mitchell, I'm not a taxi.

Unless you're paying, in which case the meter is running.

-No, it's fine, you can drop me here.

-Careful, don't press that!

-This?

Aaaaaahhh!

Why am I on a coffee break anyway?

I don't drink coffee.

That's £5. Would you like a receipt?

That's a bit steep.

How about I pay you back some other way, like with interest?

-You don't know what that means, do you?

-Yeah.

It means I pretend to be interested in things in lieu

of payment. See, I'm all over this knowing stuff game.

-What you don't know could fill a locker.

-Already does.

Sorry, I thought I was joking.

It's OK, if they gave a grade for being offended, I'd get an F.

To go with all your other Fs.

Mitchell, I've never seen so many Fs.

And I've been to the Frankfurt Feffeneffa Festival.

-In February, on a Friday.

-Look at this.

If you get one more you will be suspended!

That's a great way to punish kids who don't like school,

prevent them from going to school.

Mitchell, this is serious. Look at me, I've never been more serious.

And she won the secondary school

Staring Seriously contest semifinals.

You could ruin your life!

OK, OK.

How come you've got my report card on your thingy anyway?

I've accessed the school Wi-Fi. I can get everyone's records.

Also, Abercrombie's holiday snaps.

I want that £5, Mitchell.

You want to take some driving lessons first.

The Fs, Mitchell, what are you going to do?

-There's only one thing I can do.

-Work hard to improve your results?

Or...

We can get into the computer room and change all my grades.

But how? Grimshaw sees everything.

She's just the secretary, Becks,

it's not like she's got X-ray vision.

-OVER TANNOY:

-No suspicious lurking.

How does she do that?

We need to get her out of the way.

Oh.

"Dear Miss Grimshaw.

"Please come to my office immediately as I have come down

"with a serious case of gorilla-itis.

"Sincerely, Mr Abercrombie."

It is gorilla-itis season.

MUMBLES TO HERSELF

Becky, you stand guard.

Make a noise if someone comes.

What, like this?

Urrrrhhh-urrrhhh!

Anything more pleasant, like a soft animal noise?

How about a startled hedgehog, or a disappointed pig?

I can't do those, I can't do animal noises.

A burping goat, a coughing giraffe.

Oh, yes, I can do that one.

OK. Weird but OK. Come on.

Wow, this thing is old!

Hmmm.

MACHINE BEEPS INTO LIFE

Wow! Windows XP. It really is ancient.

Educator, leader, statesman.

-Is there anything you're not...

-Gorilla!

Agh!

What...

-Oh, you don't look like a gorilla.

-I should hope not.

But your note says you contracted gorilla-itis.

I had to stop you before you totally chimped out.

I'm not sick. What note?

This note you wrote to me in Tanner's handwriting.

Tanner!

Gorilla-itis!

Of all the ridiculous...

I've had my shots of banana-cillin.

-Tanner has tested my patience once too often.

-Once? Huh!

He has Tannered me for the last time.

BECKY COUGHS LOUDLY

Was that a giraffe coughing?

That's the signal. Delete the Fs.

That sounds nothing like a giraffe coughing.

It's obviously a llama clearing its throat.

Come on! Pronto, Tonto, before we get seen!

Look at that IP address.

Four twos and six, hilarious!

That's it, quick!

In a minute, I just want to laugh at the DNS settings.

-Delete!

-Aaaahhhh!

BELLS RINGS ONCE

COMPUTER SPEAKS: Record erasure completed.

-Mitchell Tanner deleted.

-Yes!

Who are you? What are you doing here?

Would you believe I'm a Mitchell Tanner lookalike?

Who is Mitchell Tanner?

Come on, you must remember who I am.

I covered your office in green stuff,

made you have a pig on your head, turned you into a toad thing.

What are you talking about, boy? What are you doing in my school?

Actually, maybe it's good you've forgotten all that stuff.

Let's start again.

I am Mitchell Tanner,

your favourite and most handsomely rewarded student.

-Rewarded?!

-Yeah.

You're always giving me presents and stuff, like this trophy

and photo and that bagel.

So how come I don't remember ever seeing you before?

Because you've finally given away the most precious gift of all.

Your sanity.

I must admit I have been feeling a little fragile recently.

Aaah! Who are you? How did you get in here?

I'm Mitchell, you just brought me in, remember?

I've never seen you before in my life.

What are you doing with my things?

Whoa, it's like you forgot all about me the minute you looked away.

-How can I look away from you if I've never seen you before?

-Good question.

So what happens if I do this?

MITCHELL BLOWS RASPBERRY

-How dare you! I ought to...

-What's that?

-What's what?

-Boo!

-Aah!

Who are you? How did you get in here?

OK, I've really got to take advantage of this.

Sausage stealer! What do you think you're...?

Didn't I used to have a sausage?

Now where's my rubber stamp?

Aah!

Now where's my rubber stamp?

Aah!

Now where's my rubber stamp?

Aah!

MITCHELL LAUGHS

-Hey, Becks, guess what?

-Oh, hello.

I don't know what we did to Abercrombie,

but he's blown a brain fuse.

He keeps forgetting me and everything I do.

That's amazing. Do you want to be my friend?

-Say what now?

-You don't have to if you don't want. I'm Becky.

Do you want to play hopscotch?

Ooh, five, my favourite square. Apart from the others which I like equally.

What are you talking about? Come on, let's go freak out Abercrombie.

Oh, hello. I'm Becky. Do you want to be my friend?

You as well?

Templeton, bizarre-O alert. Becky doesn't know who I am.

-Interesting. Who are you?

-What? Templeton!

-That's strange.

I'm called Templeton as well.

No, it's me, your friend Mitchell. Come on, think. You must remember.

We travelled in time using the clock tower.

-Sounds unlikely.

-We defeated the tooth fairy.

Seems counterproductive.

-Kate the evil maths robot.

-Nope.

-Ghosts in detention.

Unacquainted with that situation.

-The Grackle.

-Doesn't ring a bell.

-Come on!

See here, me an the big man don't have the time

for your ridiculous scenarios.

You and the big man? That doesn't even make sense.

You're big and he's... Whoa!

You, non-student boy, get up.

Only students are not allowed to slide face first

along these corridors.

-But I am a student.

-I have no record of you.

MITCHELL GASPS

I erased my record. We can undelete it. There must be a way.

-You have to help me.

-Me, help someone? Ha!

At least she hasn't changed.

If you're not on the system, you don't exist.

-Come on, now, time to go.

-No, I do exist.

I know how to prove it!

Boy having existential crisis, come back here!

A-ha!

Our class photo. This is the proof I need.

Noooo!

I don't exist.

I've lost everything - my life, my friends,

my ability to be photographed.

Could be worse, Mitchell.

-Samia, you know who I am.

-Of course. You owe me £5.

You've still got a copy of my record.

That's why you remember me.

Actually, it's more to do with my accounts package,

but we'll go with the school record thing.

You still owe me £5.

Tell you what, I'll give you three quid if you can help me

get that record back on to the computer.

Ten quid and I get my wheel off your foot.

Your wheel isn't on my foot.

MITCHELL GROANS

-All right, all right. Whatever you say.

-Deal, but you have to be quick.

The memory on my computer gets overwritten

every time I say anything.

Anything. Anything. Anything.

Anything. Anything. Anything.

-Anything...

-Samia! Hey!

Anything...

Please stop saying stuff.

Without that record, it's as if I never existed.

I doubt it's that bad.

No, something's definitely wrong.

This place seems...

..happy. Is this what would happen if I didn't exist?

No idea.

Hello, children.

Today we're having crazy class in the corridor,

so grab your beanbags and express yourselves.

CHEERING

Mr B, what's going on?

It's the headmaster's new idea. Learning through, "Hey, whatever?"

Abercrombie thought of this?

Abercrombie?

Oh, he retired, said there wasn't anyone he enjoyed punishing.

Mr Garden's headmaster now.

That's it, kids. Do what comes naturally.

We'll learn from you.

Fantastic.

With me not here, Abercrombie gave up on punishing people.

Maybe this place is better off without me.

Not for everyone.

This radiator isn't quite as warm as it should be.

Maybe there's a mystery to be solved by Becky and her imaginary pals.

Without you here,

I don't think Becky ever discovered the secret of Strange Hill.

She just dreams of the adventures she never had.

Maybe this pipe will lead us to an evil thermostat.

Give us your dinner money.

But I pay monthly by direct debit like everyone else.

That's why we're going to give you this cash, so we can steal it back.

Hey! What sort of bullies give people stuff to steal back?

Don't ask us, yo. We is just following orders, innit?

Foolish stranger.

We work for the head bully -

the evil genius who really runs this place.

Yo, dawgs.

Who's dissing T-Time.

MITCHELL LAUGHS

Your gangster name is T-Time?

That's hardly threatening. In fact, it sounds quite pleasant.

Don't diss T-Time or we'll be forced to give you some biscuits.

Yo!

-OK, maybe things were better when I existed.

-Get them!

MITCHELL SCREAMS

Come on.

SCREAMING

I love those henchmen. They really are excellent at henching.

OK, so Becky's lonely, Garden's headmaster and Templeton's

the head bully, but there's still something bothering me.

What's that?

Well, if I never existed, what happened to all of the...?

..Monsters I defeated?!

The Grackle is backle.

GRACKLE CACKLES

THEY SCREAM

Monster-fighting service fee - 18 quid.

THEY SCREAM

I'm confused. Are we chasing people or being chased?

It don't matter, just run, innit?

THEY SCREAM

GRACKLE CACKLES

There's something strange going on here, make-believe chums.

We're close. I know it.

Don't fight the tentacles, kids. They're only expressing themselves.

-We have to reload my record on to the system. Now!

-£5.

Put it on my tab.

Eat my...

SCREAMING

Right, how do we do this?

We'll have to bypass the security protocols then

-hack into the main records' archive.

-I meant how do we turn it on?

-The power button.

-Clever.

My hand's fading. What's happening?!

Sorry. Who are you? Why am I in here?

Not you too! Samia, it's Mitchell.

Remember me. Look at your screen.

Of course, yes. Mitchell. The boy who owes me 38 quid. Now, your record.

-It's been overwritten. When it goes...

-I go, for good.

We've got to get it uploaded before I disappear.

-Must I do everything?

-For a price, yeah. Apparently.

Hold on.

Wahoo!

You're not charging me more if I'm enjoying this, are you?

Oh!

This is the main record archive. Your file goes there.

I just hope this place has no defences.

Uh-oh, velocipedes.

What's that, like centipedes? I'm better at Donkey Kong.

This is like a video game, except your very existence depends on it.

Oh, so it is like Donkey Kong.

Take this. It's your record. Don't Mitchell this up.

MITCHELL SCREAMS

Mitchell!

I'm back. I've got feet. I've got hands. I've got elbows!

Beautiful elbows.

What? You've never seen a guy kissing his own elbows before?

-Maybe a couple of times.

-Tanner!

-Hey!

-Abs. You're back.

-Oh, get off me, Tanner, get off!

-You remember me.

-You know my name.

-Eh?

Looks like everything's back the way it was. Whoa!

Come on, make-believe pals.

Let's investigate the mystery of this broken pencil.

What mysterious forces snapped it in half?

Was it destiny this writing instrument

should be snapped like a pencil?

Henchmen, give her invisible friends an imaginary wedgie.

-Yo!

-No, please. not the pretend underpants. Aah!

Something's wrong.

Why isn't the world back to normal?

At least we got rid of the monsters, right?

Mitchell, Samia, it is time for you to join the system.

SCREAMING

I don't get it. I exist now.

I stopped all these guys. Why are they still here?

Anyone fancy a game of hide and shriek?

SCREAMING

-But I helped Peter, he became our friend.

-Notice you said our friend.

Mitchell, it wasn't just you who helped Peter

and it wasn't just you who fought all the monsters.

It was never just you.

It was the three of us. I've got to get the gang back together.

Helping you reach an obvious conclusion - nine quid, please.

SCREAMING

Submit to the evil dominion of the Tooth Fairy. Stop laughing at me.

Come on.

Yum. Yum, yum, yum.

SCREAMING

Look, I don't have time to explain, but us three have to become

best friends in the next couple of minutes or we're all finished!

-OK, we'll do it.

-At last, real human friends.

-Not us three, us three.

-Oh.

-Oh.

No way, he's mean and weird.

I'm weird. At least I don't go round giving people dinner money just

so I can steal it off them.

Yes, you do. That was you.

-Come on. What happened to you guys?

-He's a bully, he stole my homework.

Only to correct it.

With the wrong answers.

They were the right answers, just not to those particular questions.

We need to get together.

In my reality, the three of us save the school constantly.

He's got the wrong people.

I'm not a hero, I'm just a very enthusiastic girl.

But thanks zillions for considering me.

And I'm nothing without people to hench for me.

Look, I can't explain it.

I don't know why, but when the three of us get together,

we're rock solid, like the three sides of a square.

-You mean a circle.

-A triangle, for goodness' sake, it's a triangle!

Mm, actually, that did feel right somehow. Maybe we are supposed to...

SCREAMING

I hate to sound like an after-school special,

but only our friendship can beat these monsters.

I'm glad there aren't that many people around to hear that.

MITCHELL SCREAMS

TEMPLETON SCREAMS

Too late. The school is ours and there's nothing you can do about it.

Tell that to my bling.

-You missed me.

-Who says I was aiming for you?

A-ha! Treasure.

Mitchell, the Mystical Pencil of Balthazar,

at least that's what I'm calling it now, catch.

Fools. You can't defeat all of us.

You're forgetting one important fact.

We already have.

Yum.

Well, looks like everything's back to normal. Finally.

All we had to do was believe in ourselves.

-That's all anyone needs to achieve anything.

-Are you sure about that?

Yes. No need for practice or hard work.

All you need is blind self-belief.

It's a terrible lesson.

So now we're back together,

how about we think of a way to delete all those Fs off my record?

Mitchell...

This one's on me.

# What if you were never born?

# What if you didn't exist?

# Maybe you'd create a storm

# Or maybe you wouldn't even be missed. #