Innercrombie Strange Hill High

# Creepy ain't the word Freaky ain't the word

# Sneaky ain't the word See what I've observed

# There's no easy way to describe this geeky place

# Even geeky place doesn't tell you what I need to say

# This is Strange Hill, where we're talking frogs that eat your face

# It's very, very random You'll get used to these debates

# If you stick around Although I wouldn't recommend it

# When they used the name "strange", mate, they really meant it

# There's some things in life with which you just don't mess

# On every vest I got the letters SOS

# Cos you never know what might be lurking round the corner

# And what they might do if they ever found or saw you

# Keep the lights on in the hallways all day

# Things won't always tend to go your way

# Watch your back and be prepared Can't wait for 3:30, see ya there. #

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more full of rats and more metallic.

Besides, ye can't kiss a summer's day.

Attention! Valentine's Day is hereby banned at Strange Hill High.

Love hurts.

I'm stamping down hard on any kind of lovey-dovey, smushy,

wushy, blubbery, flubbery nonsense.

You can't ban Valentine's Day. You might as well ban feelings!

School is no place for feelings.

Apart from fear, loathing and a lingering sense of injustice.

-But Mr Abercrombie, love is...

-A myth, like fairies.

-Seen them.

-Ghosts.

-Used them.

-Or aliens.

-Been them.

But the heart is the most powerful thing in the world.

I think you'll find that's MegaShark,

the shark the size of a mountain.

-There's no such thing.

-Exactly! This school is run by the head. MY head.

And if I hear so much as a rhyming couplet, from pupil,

teacher or over-amorous goldfish that starts with

"roses are red", they are instantly in detention!

Roses are red, violets are blue, I love romantic rhyming couplets,

-and after this lesson, so will you, oh!

-Detention!

But I was only expressing my love for the English language.

That's a gateway love.

Soon you'll be expressing love for art and culture

and before you know it, you're a full-blown romantic!

A teacher in detention?! This is brilliant!

If we plant Valentine's stuff on all the teachers...

-I don't like where you're going.

-The greeting card shop? C'mon, Bex!

You're the first one who'd want to give every teacher a valentine,

which I'd normally find quite annoying, but in this case,

it's perfect. You do want to spread love, right?

Yes, but not as a weapon of mass detention!

Becky, if you love love, you'll do my evil bidding.

-You can't just say something like that!

-I just did.

Now, grab Templeton and let's go before I ruin

some other wonderful feeling.

Jill can drink half a cup of tea every half-hour.

If she sits patiently in a tea house spending two shillings and sixpence

a cup for six hours waiting for John to arrive...

The answer is love, baby. Sweet, lovely love.

-Detention!

-Ha! Tannered!

And in 1936, it was determined that the earth's centre was

composed of white-hot iron.

I'll show you...

Oh, looks like the centre is actually truffles!

-Detention!

-Ha-ha! Double Tannered!

Mr Kandinsky? Can you tell us about the place you grew up?

Smolensk? In Mother Russia? Where my own hairy mother rests her head?

This might help.

HE SINGS IN RUSSIAN

I'm reasonably sure that has romantic content. Detention!

Hahaha! Triple Tannered! You're out!

Now, get in there and think about what you've done!

Maybe you'll think twice about expressing love.

I don't get it. I hate everyone.

Mitchell Tanner, you've given love a bad name!

And that name is Teacher-Free Fun.

I prefer Zoltron, Master of Hate.

Just one last thing. With Abs in the staff room for the moment,

-we can sneak into his office.

-Why?

-I've saved the best for last.

Abercrombie will have to give himself detention! Follow me.

Zoltron would be proud.

Once Abs puts himself in detention, the school will be ours!

I'm not sure why I want a school, but mwah-hah-hah.

He's coming!

We're trapped!

Don't sweat it. We can go out the window...

..if it wasn't locked!

-HIDE!

-Templeton?

-Templeton who? I'm a curtain.

No, you clash with the furniture! We need a better hiding place.

Quick, in here!

This cabinet is surprisingly spacious.

Like a secret passageway filled with bogey.

Gross! Let's go back.

Taaaaannnnneeeeeerrrr!

Let's not. The only way is forward and down!

And sideways!

And up!

That was cool. Has Abs got another secret office?

Whoa!

ALL: Whoa! Wah!

-Where are we?

-I don't know how but I think...

-We're inside Abercrombie!

-Ah!

-Ah?

-Ah!

Tanner?

We're in the head's head!

And it's got a steering wheel!

At last. Someone who really is a robot operated by tiny aliens

determined to take over the world.

That's ridiculous.

Says the girl inside her headmaster's head.

-Wah!

-What?

This is only the greatest thing ever!

We've got out very own drivable headmaster and we can get him

-to do all sorts of cool things like...

-Go to the toilet.

That wasn't top of my list.

Eewwww!

Mitchell! You can't just make a person do anything you want.

People aren't odd-looking puppets with rods coming out of their arms.

That would be REALLY strange. Really, really, really weird!

Has he finished yet?

So we all agree. We treat Mr Abercrombie

with the utmost respect.

Of course, but first, let's make him dance like a clown.

-Whoa, headmaster's got talent.

-You listen to me.

I wonder what this button does?

-Oww! Which one of you did that?

-Yo. You did?

I certainly didn't. Why would I slap my... OW!

-Mitchell!

-What?

-Can I have a go?

Right! As all the other teachers are in detention,

I'm teaching all the classes today.

We're late for class!

No, we're not, because we're at class inside Abercrombie.

Mitchell, did Templeton just make sense?

It's a crazy situation, so, probably, yes.

Oh, what's this do?

Now, Bishop. Tell me who invented... Wowsers!

Mitchell, Templeton, my voice is coming out of his mouth!

-I beg your pardon?

-Excuse me. I seem to have someone - or thing -

in my throat.

Now then, Croydonia, let me try!

I want to make him say, "Mitchell is the greatest."

Mitchell is the greatest. Woooooooo!

Now, Tyson, aren't you sorry for putting Templeton

upside-down in the bin every day since nursery school,

-you baddy, you?

-No.

And don't just sit there.

Dance when I'm speaking to you!

Dance! Dance like you've got squirrels in your pants!

Nice one, Bex!

Dance! It's not art unless you dance and say, "Co-co-nutttts!

Keep dancing.

I don't want to... Yes, I do because I'm co-co-nuts!

-Do you think he's getting a bit tired?

-Nah.

Class dismissed.

Mr Chips, something strange is happening. What should I do?

What? No, now's a very wrong time for the Happy Dance.

Is our headmaster talking to a mangy Teddy Bear?

It's so heartbreaking. Let's make him kiss the bear!

Oh, I guess I'm kissing you good night, Mr C.

I may have no-one else, but I'll always have you.

Nitey-night, Nubby Nubs.

Aw. He's cute when he's asleep.

Detention!

Tanner!

Yum, Cheddar!

Maybe not.

This is great. We can sell tickets!

Tanner's Titanic Headmaster tours!

Mitchell, you have to be responsible.

Mr Abercrombie is a human being, a sad, lonely,

peculiar Cheddar-shouting human being, but definitely a human being.

I swear by your goofy hat, Rebecca Butters, that

I will never treat our Headmaster as anything other than a human being.

-It's Mecha-crombie! Run!

-Run and laugh! Tee-hee-hee!

Roll up, roll up, for the once-in-a-lifetime

attack of the 100ft headmaster adventure.

Which part of treating like a human being

involves dressing Mr Abercrombie up as a gigantic lizard?

HE ROARS

No roaring in the library!

Hey!

Here, no cutting! The line starts back in his ears, yo.

You've got to stop this!

Chill, Bex. What's the worst that could happen?

Ah!

Ah!

Mitchell Tanner, you've broken our headmaster!

Do we get a refund?

Good morning, Mr Abercrombie.

What? Who said that? Was it the voices in my head again?

Oh, hello, voices! Shall we go to my office?

Let's all go.

Help! I was locked in the headmaster overnight!

-Do you think Abercrombie's all right?

-He's fine...

..ish.

Mr Chips, remember when I lost you and I cried and cried

and then I found you and I clapped my hands?

Yes, last Tuesday was quite a day.

Now that I'm literally in his head, I'm realising something.

Mr Abercrombie's sad and lonely.

That's why he hates Valentine's Day so much.

Is he crying?

See! I told you! I told you!

-Are you happy that he's sad?

-Of course not, that would be heartless.

-What do we do?

-I always knew I'd drown in my own headmaster.

I know what to do! Finally, my joint love of romance

and submarines has come in handy!

-Er, Bex?

-There's one thing guaranteed to stop someone

feeling lonely and sad! Ramming speed.

-Take the wheel, Mr Templeton.

-OK!

Great! Have you come back to rearrange the rest of your limbs?

No, I've come for...

a hug!

Mr Abercrombie, I hardly think it appropriate...

Please, mean librarian lady.

This is most irregular.

-What's that noise?

-Don't you know? It's Abercrombie's heart!

-He has one?!

-My face! It's moving in a way I'm not familiar with.

I think...I'm smiling.

Oh, Melvyn! How I've longed to say that name.

Isn't it beautiful!

Apart from being spun, deafened, blinded,

sprayed with head juice and the fact we've lost control, it's luvverly.

-I've got control back! Uh-oh!

-What?

Attack of the 100ft headmaster. Contact...

I don't know how, but TANNER!

-Abandon headmaster!

-Ah!

-Gentlemen. I think things are looking up.

-Where?

All's well that ends we... Ow!

-I don't know how, Tanner. But be sure, I know!

-Know what?

That you're somehow responsible for my recent...troubles.

-Where's your evidence?

-I don't need evidence! I'm a headmaster.

Just remember one thing, Mitchell Tanner.

I've got eyes on...

Yo, yo, yo, I'm a funky headmaster,

there ain't none mentally faster,

-I'm an educating bad boy, a student blaster!

-Say what now?

And he's got you in detention, because of disrespektion.

-Sir, Are you feeling OK?

-Of course I am, Yo!

Bishop! That's you, isn't it?

No, it's the headmaster, innit. Yo!

The keys! They've gone. They've got the keys to the cabinet.

Now we've got control and we is going to run the school

our way, innit! Now, give us your dinner money.

And also the instructions on how to drive the headmaster properly, yo.

Wedgie for you, Balders!

Now, cough up your dinner money or yous get it.

Yeahhhh, what he said.

But, sir, you know I always bring sandwiches.

-Let us in!

-It's no use. There must be some gigantic lump blocking it.

-Hey?

-Let us in!

Sorry. Didn't quite catch that. Bishop, bring up the bass!

Sir?

There must be some other way to control a hollow headmaster?

Unfortunately, I think you'll find the brain controls the body

and that's in the head. There's no other way.

Yes, there is! There's one thing more powerful than the head...

Oh, the heart.

As much as I want to support your radical thinking, Bex,

this baby hasn't seen much action in...ever!

But you heard it when the he hugged the librarian and we lost control.

If you and me go out and jumpstart Abercrombie's heart,

then Templeton can take control back and stop the boys

bullying the school into submission!

This all sounds a bit lovey-dovey, hippy dippy nonsense to me.

-What do you think?

-Thoughts mainly.

-Sometimes the occasional insight, but not often.

-Glad I asked.

Seeing as me and Captain Thoughts over here haven't got a better plan

and I do want my toy headmaster back, let's do it!

Now, how do we get this thing started?

Matthews in the bin! Ha-ha!

# Tyson, Lucas and Bishop sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. #

And you smell of cheese! Got a problem?

-Meet me in the library!

-That would have to be a big tree.

No-one accuses us of smelling of cheese.

-Gruyere, I'd wager, innit.

-They're coming, now what?

Now, I just need to get librarian lady to say lovely

things that will awaken the love that lives in Abercrombie's heart.

Whoa! Back up, sister!

Your plan relies on librarian lady saying lovely things.

Mitchell Tanner! Yo!

We'll see who smells of cheese now!

-Yo!

-Bex! Do something!

Um, excuse me, Miss Librarian Lady?

-I'm on a break.

-Ah, but, but...

I just wanted to know if you could recite

your favourite poem about love?

Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds

It's an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken...

Poetry at Strange Hill High? Librarian lady?

That's it, Abs, listen

to the difficult-to-understand but apparently important words.

What's going on? This music-less rap is effecting our control, yo.

I don't think so.

-Whoa!

-Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

within his bending sickle's compass come...

Will you be my Valentine?

Eeeeeew, as if!

I might, though. We'll discuss it when no-one's looking.

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks...

Shakespeare! My true love! Hug?

Hug the Bard, not me!

Urgh! Mr A!

Listen to the words and stop shoving cheese in my face!

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

Bex! It worked. Temps has control... I think..

I have control. I have control!

Hey! What's going on, yo!

If this be error and upon me proved...

BOTH: I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

-Melvyn.

-Lady.

It's the beating of his hideous heart!

Tanner, you can have the keys. I can't take this any more.

Bail out!

Would you care to dance?

Er. Temps, don't overdo the heart-driving thing, yeah?

I'm not driving.

I went to investigate the digestive system and bowels,

so thought I better wash my hands.

If you're not driving, then who's making Abs dance?

Oh, no! We've created a romantic headmaster monster!

Ah! Mr Chips!

Don't worry, Melvyn. You have me now.

We can live and love in this school forever.

Stay...in this school? Forever?

Forever, forever, in this school forever! Forever! Forever!

-Forever!

-Librarian lady?

-I'm on break!

What happened?

Oh, she threatened me forever, she said forever.

We're going to be in the school forever, Mr... What do you want?

But, Mr Abercrombie, aren't you filled with love?

Love, schmuv. No such thing!

Get back to class and tell the teachers to get on with their jobs.

Be still, blasted heart!

Abercrombie's back to being just slightly unhinged.

So everything's back to normal, then.

-And you'll never go inside Abercrombie's head again!

-Of course.

I've learned my lesson and put the keys where they belong.

I wonder if we all have a portal into our heads.

That would be ridiculous.

What do you mean I'm not your type?!

Hello? Where am I?

Oh, golly! Might I have a spin?

Ha!

# You want to put your head before your heart

# But what about the way you feels? Headteacher over heels. #