Doris The Dumping Ground


Doris

Drama series. When Carmen opens a makeshift salon in the Dumping Ground garage, she gets Doris, a sharp-tongued pensioner, as her first customer.


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Transcript


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Move it, you lot! Grand opening later.

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Exams don't make manicures this good...

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Finally!

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What does a girl have to do to get service around here?

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Are you Carmen, of Salon Carmen?

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-Who are you?

-I asked first.

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And your customer service skills could do with a polish.

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Yes. I'm Carmen.

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Doris. Enchante.

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Er...we don't do old people. Sorry.

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That suits me. I would require someone more skilled.

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Are you...homeless?

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Oh... No, I'm going to stay with my sister, Gladys.

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She's tall and thin and eats nothing but porridge.

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I take my own catering supplies.

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You can stop here if you want.

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No, she can't. Grand opening today?

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I do fancy a cup of tea.

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I could work for it.

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'We went to this really cool museum, and we bought a huge Roman sword.

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'Yeah. He's lethal. Grr!'

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-I need the laptop.

-Hi, Harry.

-Go away, we're busy.

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'Lou and Ange say I can have a kitten if I want one.

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'Actually...I think Lou wants it more.'

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What?! That's so unfair.

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Harry hasn't been watching kitten videos for months!

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Once upon a time, my cold cream was the talk of the town.

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You...made your own face cream?

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I was a make-up artiste.

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London, Paris, Milan.

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Well, it can't have been THAT special.

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We're...just getting some supplies for the salon.

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Oh. How's it going? I might come and have a quick foot rub.

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Er - you've got to stocktake the kitchen.

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Remember your food hygiene targets?

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Oh, yeah. My life is so exciting(!)

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-Mike?

-Yeah.

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Do you want to see a kitten riding a tortoise?

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No, I'm still in recovery from Kitten on a Trampoline.

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Aw! "Gorgeous kitties, free to good homes"...

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Can we?

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No.

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Goose fat, evaporated milk, petroleum jelly...

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Sounds vile.

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Yep, so's mashed bananas, but you put that on MY face.

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No, no, no...

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No tea - not until you've given me the rest of the ingredients.

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Erm... I thought you weren't interested.

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-It's natural and vintage, be a totally new thing.

-Oi!

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Where are we going to keep our bikes?

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-Who's she?

-My...beauty adviser.

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Enchante.

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You've got the worst split ends I've ever seen.

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Toddle off, then, Jodie.

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Me and Doris are having a, erm...development meeting.

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Basically you're just going to rip off all her ideas.

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She's actually trespassing.

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-No, she's not.

-She's here without permission.

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-We could call the police on her.

-Get over yourself, Jodie,

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your scabby old bikes don't even need a garage.

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No - don't park them there, that's my meditation zone!

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She's gone.

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But please, Mike.

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We already have a perfectly good pet.

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Yeah, dogs are way better than cats.

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They're stupid, they smell,

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and they poo all over the garden!

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Cover your ears, Mischief!

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Yeah, dogs can herd sheep,

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find bombs, and smell cancer.

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What can cats actually do -

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apart from riding on a tortoise?

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Sweat through their paws?

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Thanks, Kaz.

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And kill mice - obviously.

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MICE SQUEAK

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GRRRRR!

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MICE SQUEAK

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Doris?

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Doris!

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Doris, no-one's calling the police, all right,

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it was just Jodie's big mouth.

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Look, why don't I help you with that, OK?

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And maybe you could give me the rest of the cold cream recipe on the way?

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Where are you...? Where are you going?

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-Bluebell Avenue.

-But...

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we're here.

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No, no. Bluebell LANE, that's right.

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No, you won't find it on there.

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It's very...private.

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OK. Er...

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How about we...go back to your house and double-check?

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Growing cheese?

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Hate to break it to you, but...

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I'm catching mice, if you must know.

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So Michael needs my kitten to catch them.

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Right.

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Only, you don't need actual mice -

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-you just need the evidence of them.

-Huh?

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Learn from the master.

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Wow.

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Look, I can manage now, you can get back to your salon.

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Oh - no, it's all right,

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there's still a couple of ingredients we're not too clear on.

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Charm and politeness.

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I'm sorry. You er...you caught me on a bit of a bad day.

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Is that...?

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Oh, the queen of bad manners, she kept me waiting for hours.

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Still. She gave me this, so I can't complain.

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You for real?

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-"Tell Mike I'm shopping for salon."

-So she's still with Doris?

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Too big.

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It's excellent poo.

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For a camel.

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Can't roll it any smaller.

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-Come on.

-She's being very suspicious...

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She's totally shameless.

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Perfect.

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OLD MUSIC PLAYS

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Amazing.

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I wore this to the Gala Ball.

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Oh...and this was the first good dress I ever bought for myself.

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I lived on cream crackers for a month to save up.

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It was definitely worth it.

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I, er...I once saved up my allowance for a whole year

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to buy - you know the trainers with the wheels?

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But these are classics.

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Well...try something on.

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Floss...

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You're lurking.

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Yeah...

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Ryan just did a massive trump.

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So I'm letting it die down a bit.

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Wow!

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Lovely.

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Oh, you're beautiful.

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Is that you?

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Oh... Yes. With my parents.

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I was an only child.

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So...

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..you don't have a sister?

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Where were you really going?

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I mean, if I had a house like this,

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I would not be leaving it.

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It's not from choice, I assure you.

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What do you mean?

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Well...

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my son Felix thinks it's silly me rattling around here

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by myself, so he's found somewhere more...sensible.

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So you're moving out?

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By tomorrow.

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He's sending a van to remove everything...

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and then he'll sell the house.

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HE CACKLES

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PHONE RINGS

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You know, he can't treat you like that.

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Carmen, you're taking ages.

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It's really selfish. Just...call and tell us where you are, OK?

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I...think we've got mice.

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-Are you serious?

-Oh, that's horrible...

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Rank.

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There's poop in the cornflakes!

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I'm going to have to phone pest control.

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-What will they do?

-We'll use humane traps,

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catch the little fellas, let them go outside.

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So what's stopping them from coming back?

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We're going to need a deterrent. You know, something to scare them off.

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Small, fluffy... Really sharp claws?

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Looks like you're going to get your way after all.

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Oh... Maybe Felix had a point about the mess.

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I haven't seen the top of that table for years.

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Well, it's your space, you can do whatever you want with it.

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I'd love to live here on my own.

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What about your brothers and sisters?

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Yeah, we're not related.

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Ashdene Ridge is a, erm...

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is a kids' home.

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You're an orphan?

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I've got a mum.

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It's complicated.

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Why would anyone give you up?

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That's the million-dollar question.

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My parents wanted me to hand Felix over.

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I was unmarried.

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It was very shocking back then.

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You were a single mum?

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I took him to work every day.

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All the models loved him.

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And now he's not even grateful?

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So I phoned the guy about the kitten.

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And he's got one girl left!

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She's white and fluffy

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and she's got a little pinky nose!

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And...

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-he said she'll make an excellent mouser.

-I'm already on it, kid.

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Meet...Nigel.

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MEOW!

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-Hey.

-Where have you been? I left you a voicemail.

-Doris's.

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She's got this amazing house

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and all this really cool stuff and...

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So you've gone from face creams to borrowing her clothes?

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-Fun times with Granny.

-Yeah. Yeah, it was, actually.

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And she's way more interesting than you lot.

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No, you can't just go and visit some old lady we've never heard of.

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You lied to us, Carmen.

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And getting Kazima and Tee to cover for you...

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Yeah, I didn't have time to explain. I had to help her get home.

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Don't go off with someone you don't know. Anything could have happened.

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Yeah, I know her now, though.

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Look, I've promised her I'll go back. Please, Mike.

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No. Not until you prove to us that we can trust you again.

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SHE SIGHS

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-So, your vintage salon is cancelled, then?

-You hate cleaning.

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Doris needs me.

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Mike and May-Li are going to go mad.

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MUSIC: Pretty Blue Eyes by Steve Lawrence

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# Thought I was in love before

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# And when you moved in next door

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# With your blue eyes

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# Pretty blue eyes. #

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This is epic.

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Claudette said it was the only way to do chores.

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-Claudette?

-Yeah, my best friend in Paris.

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So this was before Felix came along?

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We were both 18.

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We worked every show in Fashion Week

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and we partied all night.

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We had a black cat we called Coco.

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DOOR CLOSES

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Mum? It's only me.

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Usual beast of a journey.

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-Who are you?

-Carmen.

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MUSIC STOPS You come to kick her out?

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-Sorry.

-Well, you're going to have to get through me first.

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Mum, are you all right?

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I had a call from Eden Villas. They said you hadn't arrived.

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I tried phoning but you weren't answering.

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I got the first plane out.

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Eden who?

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It's a care home for the elderly.

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We chose it together.

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What's that weird smell?

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It's Nigel's wee.

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Ew.

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What? Adult cats spray to mark their territory.

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It's very common.

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It's unhygienic.

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Poor Nigel isn't suitable for a children's home?

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If you're meant to go to this Eden Villas place,

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-why didn't you just say?

-Cos it's not really your business.

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Look, Carmen, thanks for taking care of Mum.

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Look, she doesn't want to go.

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That's why she was hiding in our garage.

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No, no, I was just passing and I fancied a shampoo and set.

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I booked a taxi for you.

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It was all arranged.

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I should've taken you myself.

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Why didn't you, then? Too busy with your fancy job abroad?

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I'm a doctor in a refugee camp.

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What, so you can look after other people but not your own mum?

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Do you realise she fought her parents to keep you?

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Felix needs a rest.

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He's had a very long journey.

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No, no, I'm not leaving you.

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We need some time on our own.

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Just so you know,

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if she was my mum,

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I wouldn't sell her out for money.

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DOOR CLOSES

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NIGEL MEOWS

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SPRAYING

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SPRAYING, MEOWING

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Don't ask me.

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Just found this in the room.

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Fake mouse poo.

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And fake cat pee.

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She's on a roll.

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Setting up Nigel...

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so we ditch him.

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NIGEL MEOWS

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You fallen out with Doris already?

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Her son wants to put her in a home so he can have all her money.

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-What?

-I'm going to write to Citizens Advice,

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see if there's anything she can do.

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It's family, Carmen. Don't get involved.

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Yeah, but it's totally wrong for her.

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Mouldering away with a load of old people.

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I will kidnap her if I have to.

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Kidnap? Stop being ridiculous.

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What, so I'm just supposed to sit back and do nothing?

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You saved your mum from your creep of a stepdad.

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Yes, my mum.

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Yeah, and Doris ain't got anyone else.

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KNOCKING

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So...

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Smart enough to create a mouse infestation,

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and yet dumb enough to leave the evidence

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in her bin.

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You are so busted, young lady.

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It was Ryan, too.

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Why doesn't that surprise me?

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Grounded for a week for gross deception.

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NIGEL PURRS

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Go purr at someone else, mange face.

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Don't be so mean to him.

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He can't help not being cute.

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Kittens grow into cats.

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Just like babies grow into kids that no-one wants.

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SHE YAWNS

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Cat selfie.

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SHUTTER CLICK

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Is there some sort of special social worker for old people?

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Doris's son is a two-faced, money-grabbing worm.

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You can't go making personal accusations, Carmen.

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DOORBELL

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Have you seen Doris again?

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After everything we've said to you.

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Why is it that you're on Felix's side?

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Why is it that no-one's actually listening to me?

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Erm...Doris is here for you.

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See?

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She's relying on me.

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Doris.

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I wanted to say goodbye.

0:20:390:20:41

-Goodbye?

-Yes.

0:20:430:20:45

Felix is taking me to Eden Villas tomorrow.

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No, listen, you don't have to go.

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Mum's not been well.

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She thought you deserved some sort of explanation.

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I have...

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..dementia.

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I should have told you but it's such an ugly word.

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We have our good days...

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..but she needs people,

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staff, to keep an eye on her.

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Nothing's beaten her before.

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Ever.

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Doris.

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I'll make you a cup of tea. Why don't you sit down through here?

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Thank you.

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It's a hat.

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Everything's fine.

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Urgh.

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Ew!

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May-Li! Floss has got the lurgy!

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One sec, yeah?

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Why didn't she tell me?

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I guess she didn't want to spoil what you had.

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At least when she was blaming Felix,

0:22:530:22:55

I could help her.

0:22:550:22:57

Now there's nothing I can do.

0:22:590:23:01

Hey, did Doris come out here?

0:23:020:23:04

-I thought May-Li was with her.

-No. She had to go. It was an emergency.

0:23:040:23:08

I know where she might be.

0:23:080:23:09

Oh, Claudette. I'm having a terrible time.

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You're not her.

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Stupid.

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No, it's OK.

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I'm Carmen.

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We're friends.

0:23:330:23:35

Carmen.

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Yes, I remember.

0:23:370:23:38

Listen, going to Eden Villas, it doesn't have to be terrible.

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This is a home.

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They're not just for old people.

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But you all know each other.

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Not at first.

0:23:500:23:52

Oh.

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Oh.

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Believe me, I was terrified on my first day.

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Then I met Tee and now we're best friends.

0:24:010:24:04

I can't. I would never remember people's names.

0:24:040:24:07

They'll understand. You can help each other.

0:24:070:24:10

No, it's impossible.

0:24:100:24:12

Who would take care of Coco?

0:24:120:24:14

It's an allergic reaction, Floss.

0:24:190:24:21

Allergic? Like Harry and Jeff?

0:24:210:24:24

Yeah, you must be reacting to Nigel.

0:24:240:24:26

Can they cure me, though?

0:24:290:24:31

You'll be fine.

0:24:310:24:33

Well, as long as Nigel goes.

0:24:330:24:34

Goes?!

0:24:340:24:35

We can't send him back.

0:24:350:24:37

-Mum.

-You promised we'd look after him!

0:24:400:24:44

-Nigel!

-No, don't touch, don't touch. Step away from him.

0:24:440:24:47

Floss, your face.

0:24:470:24:49

Yeah, she's allergic.

0:24:490:24:51

-I love him.

-He'll find another owner.

0:24:510:24:53

He won't. He's too old and manky.

0:24:530:24:56

Nobody will want him.

0:24:560:24:58

Hang on.

0:25:000:25:01

Well, I'd need a room next to a garden.

0:25:040:25:07

We can fix that.

0:25:070:25:08

He'd need to meet the other cats to see if they get on.

0:25:080:25:12

You could take him round there today,

0:25:120:25:14

check out his new territory.

0:25:140:25:16

Well, I'll need a smarter cat basket to start with.

0:25:160:25:20

And a blue diamante collar.

0:25:200:25:24

-I'm on it.

-Right.

0:25:240:25:26

Oh, Doris, let me help you.

0:25:300:25:31

Careful. Careful. Don't frighten him.

0:25:330:25:36

That's it. We're off on a lovely adventure.

0:25:360:25:40

Sorry...about yesterday.

0:25:400:25:43

Yeah, me, too.

0:25:440:25:46

I've offered to give up my job and move back here

0:25:460:25:49

but Mum wants me to follow my own path.

0:25:490:25:51

Just like she did.

0:25:510:25:53

She's going to be rocking Eden Villas, I bet you.

0:25:530:25:57

They'll look after her.

0:25:570:25:58

Thank you.

0:25:580:25:59

I'm going to come and visit you this weekend.

0:26:020:26:05

I promise.

0:26:070:26:08

ALL: Bye.

0:26:100:26:12

MUSIC: All I Want by Kodaline

0:26:120:26:14

# To hear you knocking at my door

0:26:170:26:21

# Cos if I could see your face once more... #

0:26:230:26:28

She didn't even get to finish her miracle cream recipe.

0:26:330:26:36

You could invent one.

0:26:360:26:37

No,

0:26:390:26:41

I'd pick chilling with Doris over a makeover any day.

0:26:410:26:44

-How sad am I?

-Not at all.

0:26:440:26:48

I think it's pretty amazing, actually.

0:26:480:26:51

You got through to Doris when Felix couldn't.

0:26:510:26:54

Maybe we should convert the salon into an OAP chill-out zone.

0:26:540:27:00

Or you could work in a home.

0:27:000:27:03

Meet more Dorises.

0:27:030:27:05

Make a real difference.

0:27:050:27:07

Seriously?

0:27:080:27:09

Wear a tabard?

0:27:090:27:10

Ah. It's all yours.

0:27:140:27:17

-I'm closing down.

-About time.

0:27:170:27:19

What are split ends anyway?

0:27:200:27:22

Who's going to look after us when we're old?

0:27:240:27:27

We will, obviously.

0:27:270:27:28

We'll have our cottage in the countryside

0:27:280:27:30

and we'll have geese, chicken,

0:27:300:27:32

our kids, our grandkids, and probably loads of foster kids.

0:27:320:27:35

# You took my soul and wiped it clean

0:27:350:27:39

# Our love was made for movie screens. #

0:27:410:27:45

When Carmen opens a makeshift salon in the Dumping Ground garage, she gets Doris, a sharp-tongued pensioner, as her first customer. Carmen warms to Doris as she learns more about her - but then she learns Doris needs her help in a way she hadn't expected.


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