Doris The Dumping Ground

Move it, you lot! Grand opening later.

Exams don't make manicures this good...

Finally!

What does a girl have to do to get service around here?

Are you Carmen, of Salon Carmen?

-Who are you?

-I asked first.

And your customer service skills could do with a polish.

Yes. I'm Carmen.

Doris. Enchante.

Er...we don't do old people. Sorry.

That suits me. I would require someone more skilled.

Are you...homeless?

Oh... No, I'm going to stay with my sister, Gladys.

She's tall and thin and eats nothing but porridge.

I take my own catering supplies.

You can stop here if you want.

No, she can't. Grand opening today?

I do fancy a cup of tea.

I could work for it.

'We went to this really cool museum, and we bought a huge Roman sword.

'Yeah. He's lethal. Grr!'

-I need the laptop.

-Hi, Harry.

-Go away, we're busy.

'Lou and Ange say I can have a kitten if I want one.

'Actually...I think Lou wants it more.'

What?! That's so unfair.

Harry hasn't been watching kitten videos for months!

Once upon a time, my cold cream was the talk of the town.

You...made your own face cream?

I was a make-up artiste.

London, Paris, Milan.

Well, it can't have been THAT special.

We're...just getting some supplies for the salon.

Oh. How's it going? I might come and have a quick foot rub.

Er - you've got to stocktake the kitchen.

Remember your food hygiene targets?

Oh, yeah. My life is so exciting(!)

-Mike?

-Yeah.

Do you want to see a kitten riding a tortoise?

No, I'm still in recovery from Kitten on a Trampoline.

Aw! "Gorgeous kitties, free to good homes"...

Can we?

No.

Goose fat, evaporated milk, petroleum jelly...

Sounds vile.

Yep, so's mashed bananas, but you put that on MY face.

No, no, no...

No tea - not until you've given me the rest of the ingredients.

Erm... I thought you weren't interested.

-It's natural and vintage, be a totally new thing.

-Oi!

Where are we going to keep our bikes?

-Who's she?

-My...beauty adviser.

Enchante.

You've got the worst split ends I've ever seen.

Toddle off, then, Jodie.

Me and Doris are having a, erm...development meeting.

Basically you're just going to rip off all her ideas.

She's actually trespassing.

-No, she's not.

-She's here without permission.

-We could call the police on her.

-Get over yourself, Jodie,

your scabby old bikes don't even need a garage.

No - don't park them there, that's my meditation zone!

She's gone.

But please, Mike.

We already have a perfectly good pet.

Yeah, dogs are way better than cats.

They're stupid, they smell,

and they poo all over the garden!

Cover your ears, Mischief!

Yeah, dogs can herd sheep,

find bombs, and smell cancer.

What can cats actually do -

apart from riding on a tortoise?

Sweat through their paws?

Thanks, Kaz.

And kill mice - obviously.

MICE SQUEAK

GRRRRR!

MICE SQUEAK

Doris?

Doris!

Doris, no-one's calling the police, all right,

it was just Jodie's big mouth.

Look, why don't I help you with that, OK?

And maybe you could give me the rest of the cold cream recipe on the way?

Where are you...? Where are you going?

-Bluebell Avenue.

-But...

we're here.

No, no. Bluebell LANE, that's right.

No, you won't find it on there.

It's very...private.

OK. Er...

How about we...go back to your house and double-check?

Growing cheese?

Hate to break it to you, but...

I'm catching mice, if you must know.

So Michael needs my kitten to catch them.

Right.

Only, you don't need actual mice -

-you just need the evidence of them.

-Huh?

Learn from the master.

Wow.

Look, I can manage now, you can get back to your salon.

Oh - no, it's all right,

there's still a couple of ingredients we're not too clear on.

Charm and politeness.

I'm sorry. You er...you caught me on a bit of a bad day.

Is that...?

Oh, the queen of bad manners, she kept me waiting for hours.

Still. She gave me this, so I can't complain.

You for real?

-"Tell Mike I'm shopping for salon."

-So she's still with Doris?

Too big.

It's excellent poo.

For a camel.

Can't roll it any smaller.

-Come on.

-She's being very suspicious...

She's totally shameless.

Perfect.

OLD MUSIC PLAYS

Amazing.

I wore this to the Gala Ball.

Oh...and this was the first good dress I ever bought for myself.

I lived on cream crackers for a month to save up.

It was definitely worth it.

I, er...I once saved up my allowance for a whole year

to buy - you know the trainers with the wheels?

But these are classics.

Well...try something on.

Floss...

You're lurking.

Yeah...

Ryan just did a massive trump.

So I'm letting it die down a bit.

Wow!

Lovely.

Oh, you're beautiful.

Is that you?

Oh... Yes. With my parents.

I was an only child.

So...

..you don't have a sister?

Where were you really going?

I mean, if I had a house like this,

I would not be leaving it.

It's not from choice, I assure you.

What do you mean?

Well...

my son Felix thinks it's silly me rattling around here

by myself, so he's found somewhere more...sensible.

So you're moving out?

By tomorrow.

He's sending a van to remove everything...

and then he'll sell the house.

HE CACKLES

PHONE RINGS

You know, he can't treat you like that.

Carmen, you're taking ages.

It's really selfish. Just...call and tell us where you are, OK?

I...think we've got mice.

-Are you serious?

-Oh, that's horrible...

Rank.

There's poop in the cornflakes!

I'm going to have to phone pest control.

-What will they do?

-We'll use humane traps,

catch the little fellas, let them go outside.

So what's stopping them from coming back?

We're going to need a deterrent. You know, something to scare them off.

Small, fluffy... Really sharp claws?

Looks like you're going to get your way after all.

Oh... Maybe Felix had a point about the mess.

I haven't seen the top of that table for years.

Well, it's your space, you can do whatever you want with it.

I'd love to live here on my own.

What about your brothers and sisters?

Yeah, we're not related.

Ashdene Ridge is a, erm...

is a kids' home.

You're an orphan?

I've got a mum.

It's complicated.

Why would anyone give you up?

That's the million-dollar question.

My parents wanted me to hand Felix over.

I was unmarried.

It was very shocking back then.

You were a single mum?

I took him to work every day.

All the models loved him.

And now he's not even grateful?

So I phoned the guy about the kitten.

And he's got one girl left!

She's white and fluffy

and she's got a little pinky nose!

And...

-he said she'll make an excellent mouser.

-I'm already on it, kid.

Meet...Nigel.

MEOW!

-Hey.

-Where have you been? I left you a voicemail.

-Doris's.

She's got this amazing house

and all this really cool stuff and...

So you've gone from face creams to borrowing her clothes?

-Fun times with Granny.

-Yeah. Yeah, it was, actually.

And she's way more interesting than you lot.

No, you can't just go and visit some old lady we've never heard of.

You lied to us, Carmen.

And getting Kazima and Tee to cover for you...

Yeah, I didn't have time to explain. I had to help her get home.

Don't go off with someone you don't know. Anything could have happened.

Yeah, I know her now, though.

Look, I've promised her I'll go back. Please, Mike.

No. Not until you prove to us that we can trust you again.

SHE SIGHS

-So, your vintage salon is cancelled, then?

-You hate cleaning.

Doris needs me.

Mike and May-Li are going to go mad.

MUSIC: Pretty Blue Eyes by Steve Lawrence

# Thought I was in love before

# And when you moved in next door

# With your blue eyes

# Pretty blue eyes. #

This is epic.

Claudette said it was the only way to do chores.

-Claudette?

-Yeah, my best friend in Paris.

So this was before Felix came along?

We were both 18.

We worked every show in Fashion Week

and we partied all night.

We had a black cat we called Coco.

DOOR CLOSES

Mum? It's only me.

Usual beast of a journey.

-Who are you?

-Carmen.

MUSIC STOPS You come to kick her out?

-Sorry.

-Well, you're going to have to get through me first.

Mum, are you all right?

I had a call from Eden Villas. They said you hadn't arrived.

I tried phoning but you weren't answering.

I got the first plane out.

Eden who?

It's a care home for the elderly.

We chose it together.

What's that weird smell?

It's Nigel's wee.

Ew.

What? Adult cats spray to mark their territory.

It's very common.

It's unhygienic.

Poor Nigel isn't suitable for a children's home?

If you're meant to go to this Eden Villas place,

-why didn't you just say?

-Cos it's not really your business.

Look, Carmen, thanks for taking care of Mum.

Look, she doesn't want to go.

That's why she was hiding in our garage.

No, no, I was just passing and I fancied a shampoo and set.

I booked a taxi for you.

It was all arranged.

I should've taken you myself.

Why didn't you, then? Too busy with your fancy job abroad?

I'm a doctor in a refugee camp.

What, so you can look after other people but not your own mum?

Do you realise she fought her parents to keep you?

Felix needs a rest.

He's had a very long journey.

No, no, I'm not leaving you.

We need some time on our own.

Just so you know,

if she was my mum,

I wouldn't sell her out for money.

DOOR CLOSES

NIGEL MEOWS

SPRAYING

SPRAYING, MEOWING

Don't ask me.

Just found this in the room.

Fake mouse poo.

And fake cat pee.

She's on a roll.

Setting up Nigel...

so we ditch him.

NIGEL MEOWS

You fallen out with Doris already?

Her son wants to put her in a home so he can have all her money.

-What?

-I'm going to write to Citizens Advice,

see if there's anything she can do.

It's family, Carmen. Don't get involved.

Yeah, but it's totally wrong for her.

Mouldering away with a load of old people.

I will kidnap her if I have to.

Kidnap? Stop being ridiculous.

What, so I'm just supposed to sit back and do nothing?

You saved your mum from your creep of a stepdad.

Yes, my mum.

Yeah, and Doris ain't got anyone else.

KNOCKING

So...

Smart enough to create a mouse infestation,

and yet dumb enough to leave the evidence

in her bin.

You are so busted, young lady.

It was Ryan, too.

Why doesn't that surprise me?

Grounded for a week for gross deception.

NIGEL PURRS

Go purr at someone else, mange face.

Don't be so mean to him.

He can't help not being cute.

Kittens grow into cats.

Just like babies grow into kids that no-one wants.

SHE YAWNS

Cat selfie.

SHUTTER CLICK

Is there some sort of special social worker for old people?

Doris's son is a two-faced, money-grabbing worm.

You can't go making personal accusations, Carmen.

DOORBELL

Have you seen Doris again?

After everything we've said to you.

Why is it that you're on Felix's side?

Why is it that no-one's actually listening to me?

Erm...Doris is here for you.

See?

She's relying on me.

Doris.

I wanted to say goodbye.

-Goodbye?

-Yes.

Felix is taking me to Eden Villas tomorrow.

No, listen, you don't have to go.

Mum's not been well.

She thought you deserved some sort of explanation.

I have...

..dementia.

I should have told you but it's such an ugly word.

We have our good days...

..but she needs people,

staff, to keep an eye on her.

Nothing's beaten her before.

Ever.

Doris.

I'll make you a cup of tea. Why don't you sit down through here?

Thank you.

It's a hat.

Everything's fine.

Urgh.

Ew!

May-Li! Floss has got the lurgy!

One sec, yeah?

Why didn't she tell me?

I guess she didn't want to spoil what you had.

At least when she was blaming Felix,

I could help her.

Now there's nothing I can do.

Hey, did Doris come out here?

-I thought May-Li was with her.

-No. She had to go. It was an emergency.

I know where she might be.

Oh, Claudette. I'm having a terrible time.

You're not her.

Stupid.

No, it's OK.

I'm Carmen.

We're friends.

Carmen.

Yes, I remember.

Listen, going to Eden Villas, it doesn't have to be terrible.

This is a home.

They're not just for old people.

But you all know each other.

Not at first.

Oh.

Oh.

Believe me, I was terrified on my first day.

Then I met Tee and now we're best friends.

I can't. I would never remember people's names.

They'll understand. You can help each other.

No, it's impossible.

Who would take care of Coco?

It's an allergic reaction, Floss.

Allergic? Like Harry and Jeff?

Yeah, you must be reacting to Nigel.

Can they cure me, though?

You'll be fine.

Well, as long as Nigel goes.

Goes?!

We can't send him back.

-Mum.

-You promised we'd look after him!

-Nigel!

-No, don't touch, don't touch. Step away from him.

Floss, your face.

Yeah, she's allergic.

-I love him.

-He'll find another owner.

He won't. He's too old and manky.

Nobody will want him.

Hang on.

Well, I'd need a room next to a garden.

We can fix that.

He'd need to meet the other cats to see if they get on.

You could take him round there today,

check out his new territory.

Well, I'll need a smarter cat basket to start with.

And a blue diamante collar.

-I'm on it.

-Right.

Oh, Doris, let me help you.

Careful. Careful. Don't frighten him.

That's it. We're off on a lovely adventure.

Sorry...about yesterday.

Yeah, me, too.

I've offered to give up my job and move back here

but Mum wants me to follow my own path.

Just like she did.

She's going to be rocking Eden Villas, I bet you.

They'll look after her.

Thank you.

I'm going to come and visit you this weekend.

I promise.

ALL: Bye.

MUSIC: All I Want by Kodaline

# To hear you knocking at my door

# Cos if I could see your face once more... #

She didn't even get to finish her miracle cream recipe.

You could invent one.

No,

I'd pick chilling with Doris over a makeover any day.

-How sad am I?

-Not at all.

I think it's pretty amazing, actually.

You got through to Doris when Felix couldn't.

Maybe we should convert the salon into an OAP chill-out zone.

Or you could work in a home.

Meet more Dorises.

Make a real difference.

Seriously?

Wear a tabard?

Ah. It's all yours.

-I'm closing down.

-About time.

What are split ends anyway?

Who's going to look after us when we're old?

We will, obviously.

We'll have our cottage in the countryside

and we'll have geese, chicken,

our kids, our grandkids, and probably loads of foster kids.

# You took my soul and wiped it clean

# Our love was made for movie screens. #