Where You Belong The Dumping Ground

No, Archie, from the top.

-Wash from the top.

-Are you blind?

-I obviously can't reach.

-It's streaking.

Go over that bit again.

Oi, watch it.

What are YOU actually doing?

It's called project management, candyfloss.

Mike! I've had enough.

Oh, look at the mess.

Mike?

Position one, copy.

-Copy.

-Position two, copy.

-Copy.

-Position three, copy.

Taz, copy!

SHE GRUNTS

Copy.

OK, if we're going to do this, then we need to do it properly.

Mike!

Anyone?

Do not get any of this over yourself.

CHARGE!

ALL SHOUT

ALL LAUGH

Um... Look, I didn't see the washing.

-No, it's fine.

-If I'd known you were there...

-No, I said it's fine.

-I'm nearly done with your appraisal.

With only a few days to spare.

-Bags of time yet.

-Not if you get distracted.

Have a little faith.

-Oh, thank you.

-It's OK.

I'll have your appraisal done in no time at all.

You can write it yourself, and I'll sign it.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding!

HE SIGHS

THEY LAUGH

Sort out this before May-Li sees.

Oh, we were just messing around.

-Please.

-That keen?!

He's in her bad books.

He didn't do her report card.

-Ooh, schoolboy error!

-Rookie mistake.

Ryan, that was a private conversation.

For your trouble, young man, you get to tidy the attic.

And you're on bathroom duty.

I am not touching the toilet.

You two, sort this out.

Now, shift!

-On edge or what?

-Big time.

It's always a win-win for us, though.

-How come?

-We always get away with so much more when they fall out.

The last time, they left the Wi-Fi on all night.

Wonder what we could get this time.

I don't think that we should be thinking about...

Oh, get a grip.

It's only a bit of fun.

SHE SIGHS

I know how we should play this.

I've called a house meeting to discuss Dexter.

I mean, who does he think he is?

Bossing us all around.

So he told you what to do.

-You don't have to listen.

-It's more than that.

He's selfish, too.

He takes what he wants, even Mike lets him do it.

And he told me he likes books,

but he only uses them to make sure his desk doesn't wobble.

-He ate all my sweets.

-He said that he likes Fifth Harmony better than

Little Mix.

What? It really hurt my feelings.

He needs to be taught a lesson.

And I'm just the one to do it.

You want to teach me a lesson?

Someone has to.

Bring it on, dental floss.

Ugh! This game is rubbish.

Oh, don't be such a sore loser.

I mean...

..what even is this?

Well, it's a shuttlecock.

I'm out.

Right, come on, Charlie, I guess you're up.

Me?

-No, I don't want to.

-Oh, come on, Charlie.

Please, we need the numbers.

Yeah. I mean, look, it's hardly Wimbledon.

It doesn't matter if you can't play.

-That's tennis.

-Well, come on, you know what I mean.

-Give it a go.

-Come on, man.

-Please.

-All right, then.

Right, I'll serve.

BOTH: Ooh, la, la, la, la, la!

Ooh, la, la, la, la, la! Ooh...

Can I borrow the tablet?

I need to check on my virtual farm.

Did you hear something?

-Very funny.

-Sounds like an annoying fly.

Buzz, buzz, buzz.

Well, if there's no-one to answer to, I guess I can just take it.

BOTH: Oi!

Give us back the tablet!

Ooh, careful!

Fine, pick them up meself, then.

Going to help?

Appraisal to finish. Must avoid distractions.

How do you spell "impatient"?

HE CHUCKLES

-It's not working.

-What's going on?

Tell your brother we changed the password.

-You tell him.

-He's in the freezer.

Tell them I don't need their password or them.

He doesn't need your password or...

No, this is stupid.

You live on that tablet, you do need the password.

Not if I get one of my own.

And how are you going to do that, then?

You think those two losers are going to stop me?

I've had much worse and I always come out on top.

Good luck with that.

Pass us a chocolate bar, Oliver.

Here you are, have two, man.

Ooh! Get in.

I thought you were meant to be tidying up the attic?

It's all in hand.

Seems to be today's theme.

And what's with all this?

Um, Mike said, keep out of your way.

-Keep it low-key.

-Do some homework.

Hey, who's going to tidy up the mess?!

SHE SIGHS

Are you watching TV?

Yeah, this actually took a lot of planning.

Press play, Jodes. Shh!

Are you kidding me?!

You're supposed to be doing your chores.

May-Li said she wasn't happy with the noise we were making.

-Oh, come on.

-You can ask her if you want to.

But you will be questioning our judgment.

Yeah, true, that might not be smart.

Just this once.

-Awesome!

-I'm not sure if we should be doing this.

-Oh, shut up, Jodes.

-What's going on?

ALL: Shut the door!

"Diligent and organised, a valued team member."

No.

"Indispensable team member."

What have I done now?

Nothing.

It doesn't matter.

It clearly does.

-You're barely speaking.

-I'm sick of this.

The kids are running wild.

Oh, come on, they're not that bad.

Really? You give them too much room.

Here we go.

Like I'm the only one who lets them get away things.

-Excuse me?!

-Nothing.

Everything's a joke to you, innit?

I mean, you're so laid-back.

The kids are running riot around here.

I mean, this place is a tip.

-VOICEOVER:

-"Diligent and organised", scratch that.

Inflexible, controlling, humourless.

Always glass half-empty.

But you know, it's part of the job, right?

-Mike? VOICEOVER:

-Uh-oh.

You're supposed to be a role model, and you're not even listening to me.

Course I am.

-WHISPERS:

-But some peace would be good.

What was that?

A cup of tea would be good.

SHE SIGHS

Hopeless.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-What?

-Er...

Mike said I'm OK to use his computer?

Homework.

Not saying no to much these days.

-Go ahead.

-Thanks.

-MIKE'S VOICEOVER:

-Inflexible, controlling, humourless,

always glass half-empty.

-Everything OK?

-Fine, fine.

PHONE KEYPAD BEEPS

-Ryan wants us in the house.

-Shh!

You're really good.

You guys haven't missed once.

Oh, don't say that, you'll jinx it.

I've just been up there. The attic's still a state.

Come on.

I've had very positive comments from the neighbours about your

efforts with the van.

Good valet.

The right price. It's hard to find, you know?

-Really?

-Yeah.

Does that mean I could wash people's cars and charge them for it?

MIKE SCOFFS

I'm in. 50-50?

Then I'll do the attic.

I think you'll find that's 20% each.

No way, it was my idea.

Equal shares or you can just forget about it.

You guys are good.

After you, sunshine.

What, is this it?

Yeah. I think everyone else had more important stuff to do.

Yeah, what's up?

You'll never guess what I just saw.

Mike's report on May-Li.

It was open on his computer.

But it wasn't that complimentary, you know?

-That's private!

-What did he say?

Well, for a kick-off...

inflexible, controlling, humourless.

That's so unfair on May-Li.

No.

I don't believe he'd say that.

Not for a second.

Well...you don't have to believe me.

It's open on his screen now.

Alex, that car's next.

Sure thing, boss.

A tenner, please.

Thanks.

Dex, we're out of water.

-Can't you do it?

-Remember,

a leader should always be prepared to get his hands dirty.

OK.

Lads...

..we have issues with the management.

CLOCK TICKS

You should see how many cars they've got out there!

I'm clearly still in your bad books, then.

-Are you?

-Well, my charm obviously isn't working.

I can usually make you smile.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I seem to have lost my funny bone.

Oh, come on.

Give me a clue.

I can't fix this if you leave me in the dark.

Look, I need some air.

May-Li.

May-Li.

-What happened?

-Nothing.

-Are you sure?

-Everything's fine.

Where's she going?

She's taking a break.

Sorry, mate, but there's been a hostile takeover.

You stole from us.

-No, I never.

-Empty your pockets, then.

Show us that you didn't take the tenner.

It wasn't like that.

-We can't trust you.

-I did it without thinking.

Come on, would a bigger cut help?

You really are a piece of work.

Lads, got anything to say?

ALL: Yeah. You're fired.

-MIKE'S VOICEOVER:

-I mean, why is she so angry at me?

Her birthday's months away. I did the recycling.

I don't hog the remote control.

-ALOUD:

-That's the obvious stuff.

What else could it be?

Mike's taking this really badly.

Maybe she heard you.

What? She can't have. She was in the office.

The whole time?

You're saying I should tell him.

-Like that's going to happen.

-Yeah, right.

There's no chance.

SASHA SIGHS

Are you keeping count?

This has got to be a record.

-How did you get so good?

-My grandad.

How do we get it in the record books?

We need a scorer.

-Brilliant idea.

-What do you think I'm doing?

3,458.

Oh, 59.

I've seen that look before.

Um, I don't really know what to say.

Don't tell me this is down to you.

Mike, I didn't mean to cause trouble.

-What have you done?

-I saw the report that you did.

The one on your computer.

I told Sasha and Jody, and May-Li might have overheard me.

-What?!

-I know, I'm sorry.

I'll just tell May-Li that I made it up.

MIKE SIGHS

You've done enough.

WHISPERS: I'm sorry.

CHATTER OUTSIDE

-5,621.

-We can't get in the history books, then.

No. Apparently, you need an independent adjudicator...

whatever that means.

And do you really want to be famous for this?

My grandad would like it.

What happens if you need to go to the toilet?

BOTH: Don't say that!

Mike, is there anything we can do to help?

I don't think so. What I wrote...

-We know.

-Maybe she just needs some TLC.

-Who?

-May-Li.

Are you guys still fighting?

What do you mean by TLC?

-Flowers.

-Chocolate.

-How about a meal?

-She's not my girlfriend.

ALL: We know.

It'll give you a chance to talk.

You know what,

when did you guys get so wise?

A meal it is, then!

-Yes!

-Sorted!

-Let's get ready.

-Let's go.

Yeah, this should go there.

Bread on the table, come on.

We need some cucumber.

-Pasta.

-Pasta, brilliant.

All right, anyone have a bowl?

-Ta-da!

-Perfect.

-Woo!

MIKE LAUGHS

Oh!

I'm so glad you're back.

JODY GIGGLES

I just went to clear my head, that's all.

We've got a surprise for you.

-What, a surprise? For me?

-Yeah.

This is all for you.

Aw, what's this for?

Hiya.

We need to talk.

You OK, Dex?

Am I selfish?

So, I am?

Is this because of them lot shutting you out?

Because that'll be over by teatime.

No, I think I've messed up.

We all do that.

Some of us more than others.

But how do I put things right?

Well, I can't tell you that,

but I will say...

maybe you need to think about

giving a little bit more.

So, did the walk do you good?

Oh, look at that.

"Always glass half-empty".

-This is a waste of time.

-Please wait.

-There's nothing to say.

-There is, May-Li.

Please, sit down.

"Inflexible, controlling, humourless."

Go on. Explain.

HE SIGHS

Hey.

-Need a hand?

-What, and lose all my profits?

I understand. Listen,

I'm used to looking out for number one.

I'm sorry.

There's two cars waiting.

I'll be out in a minute.

Getting those lot to concentrate's harder than I thought.

Management isn't for everyone.

But I'm happy to start from the bottom.

You're on. Those cars won't clean themselves.

I'll go get the buckets.

No worries, I'll be outside.

It was childish venting, that's all.

It's been deleted.

You've never done anything like that before?

No.

May-Li, I'm, I'm really sorry, but you weren't meant to see that.

What, and that makes it all right?

SHE SCOFFS

At least I know how you feel about me.

MIKE SIGHS

This is crazy. It wasn't serious.

What, so there was no truth in what you wrote?

LOUD MUSIC

CHILDREN AND MIKE CHEER

NOISES STOP ABRUPTLY

NOISE RECOMMENCES

NOISE STOPS AGAIN

NOISE STARTS AGAIN

Yeah, thought so.

MIKE SIGHS

You are so frustrating.

Oh, another one to add to the list of faults.

Oh, today gets better and better.

Oh, this is not good.

What should we do? Should we go in there?

Nah, it'll be fine.

OK.

Do you know how hard it is,

working in your shadow?

You know, Mike, the good guy. Mike, the funny one.

-It's not like that.

-You're everyone's pal while I'm picking up the pieces.

I write a few innocent words and this is what I get?

Innocent? What, so this is my fault?

No, well, yes...

I don't know.

I've gone about this the wrong way.

It was my job to stop this before it got so broken, but...

No, I get it. There's two of us here.

Sometimes I pretend things are all right

so I don't have to face up to them.

If I let anyone in, then I risk getting hurt.

And I can't do that.

Not any more.

What?

Are saying that you want to leave?

Do you want me to leave?!

-If that's what you want.

-Fine!

Fine. Well, that's that, then.

That's that, then.

10,364.

-Are you getting tired?

-Do you need to wee, too?

I'm so desperate I'd go in after one of the boys.

Ugh, that's bad. There's nothing worse than a warm toilet seat.

-What about a wet one?

-Ugh!

THEY LAUGH

-Race you inside?

-You're on.

What about me?!

10,000...

You did what?

-I told the truth, didn't I?

-Yeah, after you lit the fire.

Well, it was only meant as a laugh.

You sent us all text messages telling us to come and listen.

It was cruel!

-You should have seen us go.

-Yeah!

Tense in here, or what?

-What's going on?

-May-Li's leaving.

-What?

-Mike and May-Li have had a big row and May-Li's had enough,

so she's going.

You're leaving?

How could you think about doing this?

-Let me explain.

-No.

I'm having my say.

I thought this place would be terrible, but it's not.

You two are the closest thing to a mum and dad some of us might ever get.

You're definitely better than the ones we had.

-We don't want you to split up.

-What would we do without you?

I don't want another mum.

-Please don't go.

-Yeah, and who's going to give me hugs?

Please don't go.

May-Li and I have worked together for a long time.

I'm sorry this all blew up today.

-You may have...

-Got the wrong end of the stick.

-What?

-What?

I'm not going anywhere.

But...

But you said...

I know what I said.

SHE SIGHS

We were angry with each other and things just got a bit out of hand.

We lost our tempers, went too far.

Said things we didn't mean, and shouldn't have.

Ah, particularly with you guys around.

Aw!

-We worried you for no reason.

-Yeah.

-That wasn't fair.

-I don't get it.

Grown-ups argue.

That's what they're saying.

Well, kind of.

Oh, we all get mad and fall out, but...

..we'll put it right. We always do.

Don't we, Mike?

Always.

CHILDREN LAUGH

Um, does that mean we get to have pizza tonight?

ALL LAUGH AND CHEER

Yeah, and ice cream!

-Yay!

-Woo!

Right, do you want to see that before I send it?

It's all good.

Not too good, I hope.

Got to be some room for improvement.

Maybe I'll keep the "needs to lighten up" part in.

Hey!

-May-Li.

-Mmm?

We're OK, aren't we?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Maybe we've taken each other for granted a bit.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Going to need to change that.

-THEY WHISPER: Everything OK?

-Yeah, sorted.

I've decided on a suitable punishment for you, young man.

One whole month, bathroom duties, no complaints.

-You won't get any.

-Good.

Alex needs you in the garden.

Something about the car wash.

Oh. I'll be out in a minute.

MIKE SIGHS

Alex?

Anyone?!

CHARGE!

CHILDREN SHOUT