Sasha Bellman P.I. The Dumping Ground

Archie?

Archie!

Oh!

THUD!

FLOORBOARD CREAKS

Sasha!

-There was a parcel.

-I know.

I put it in the office.

-On Mike's desk.

-For a second I thought there was a...

..thief.

I put it right here.

-Are you sure?

-Of course I'm sure.

-Billie.

-Toni.

Do us a favour and keep Archie occupied, please.

-Why?

-Because someone's stolen a parcel addressed to him.

No way. Who was it?

If we knew that, we'd go and get it.

So just make sure he stays in the garden until we find him.

Great. We've got a runaway parcel.

Why can't I have a carrot?

They're not ripe yet.

-They look ripe.

-Archie, where are you going?

-Inside.

-You can't.

You're coming with us.

Great. Where?

We're going on a trip.

We are?

Yeah. Remember.

The trip.

A thief?

And you think it was one of us?

No-one else has been in or out the house.

-When was it taken?

-Exactly nine minutes ago.

So the big question is...

..where was everyone nine minutes ago?

I don't know why you're bothering.

It's obvious. Who's the one person in the house who would do this?

-Oh, come on.

-He's got form. Look what he did the other week.

He made one mistake and that's done with now.

So how come everyone has turned and thought of Dexter?

It wasn't me.

It wasn't.

Stop staring at him.

So you won't mind us searching his room then?

Well...

-Go on, then.

-Yeah, we'll be right back.

MUSIC BLASTS FROM CAR

Not much of a trip.

May-Li said to wait for her.

She's a bit busy. Soon be leaving though.

SHE CHANGES RADIO STATION

# Ain't nobody here but us chickens

# Nobody here at all

# So calm yourself... #

Archie, how do you know this song?

-Don't know.

-It sounds ancient.

Yeah, it is.

# And hobble, hobble, hobble with your chin

# There ain't nobody here but us chickens

# There ain't nobody here at all. #

-I can't find it. There's nothing in here.

-It's got to be.

-Ryan's right.

-It'll be here.

Jody, you need to come downstairs and say sorry.

I'm not apologising to a thief.

You know, I used to think you were all right.

It's your brother that's not all right.

-Honey, you'll never see that.

-That's it.

I'm so going to prove you wrong.

Yeah, right.

That song came out years and years ago.

So?

How do you know all the words?

-Just do.

-You shouldn't be able to.

You never play it. No-one does.

Archie, are you older than you look?

-Course not.

-You must be.

I'm eight.

There's only one explanation for this.

You were a grown-up when you heard that song.

Think about it.

You know loads of grown-up stuff.

You even sound like one.

Which means...

..you've been one. Archie...

No, don't say it.

You're ageing backwards.

Now, there was exactly nine minutes between the parcel arriving

-and disappearing.

-Big yawn.

It's a waste of time.

Who can remember what they saw during those nine minutes?

And think hard.

Well, this is me answering the doorbell.

Why are you the tiger?

Here you are.

You can be the duck.

TOY SQUEAKS

This is Tyler. He answered the door.

Now where were the rest of you?

Let's start with you, Chloe.

I was heading towards my room.

And as I was, Kaz was walking towards the back door.

Yes, I was.

Did you see anything suspicious?

She didn't have the parcel.

-Kaz?

-Let me think.

Neither did Chloe.

That's you, Kaz.

Who's next?

I saw Floss running up the stairs.

See anyone else, Floss?

As I was going upstairs, I passed Ryan.

What were you doing up there, Ryan?

None of your business.

That's not helping.

Maybe he was hiding the parcel.

Shut up, you.

Where did he go after passing you on the stairs, Floss?

Well, that rules out Floss, by the way.

It does? Yes!

Wait. How?

Well, Ryan would have seen you with the parcel.

Oh, yeah. Nice one, Ryan.

It doesn't rule out Ryan, though.

Anyone got an alibi for Ryan?

'I saw him leave the house.

'But it was at the start of the nine minutes.

So by my calculations,

he was upstairs before the delivery arrived.

OK, that's Ryan.

Where were you, Jody?

'I was behind the sofa looking for the remote.'

Yes!

'I don't think anyone saw me though.'

-I did.

-But you said you were outside going to the shed.

He didn't get there. When I went out, he passed me.

And neither of us were carrying a parcel.

That's just about everyone then.

Not everyone.

Sasha and Dexter.

Well, Sasha was with me.

-The whole time?

-Not quite.

She said she was in the office putting the parcel in there.

And how do we know it got there?

I found it, I picked it up and I put it on Mike's desk.

And who saw you do that?

-I did.

-That's convenient.

Oh, good. Seems we have to round you all up.

I've been expecting a parcel.

It's something for Archie, in fact.

It should have been here by now.

It's an easy question. Anyone?

-ALL:

-No.

Haven't seen it.

-ALL:

-No.

-Haven't seen it.

Right, well, if it shows up, let me know.

Just one more thing.

You're all being very quiet.

-Is everything OK?

-Yes.

-Amazing.

-Good.

-Brilliant.

-Lovely.

Right.

We are all dead.

He's right. If we don't get this sorted out,

-we're all going to get punished.

-Sounds like we need a plan.

Anybody got any ideas?

How about this?

We could hold an amnesty.

We all go somewhere on our own, shut the door, whatever,

and the thief has until half past to return the parcel to the office

without anyone seeing.

CLOCK TICKS

# Tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock

# Tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock

# Tick-tock tick-tock

# Naturally I'm worried if I do it alone

# Who really cares? Cos it's your life

# You never know, it could be great

# Take a chance cos you might grow

# Oh-oh-oh

# What you waiting

# What you waiting

# What you waiting

# What you waiting

# What you waiting for?

# What you waiting

# What you waiting

# What you waiting

# What you waiting

# What you waiting for?

# Tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock. #

Hey. Listen.

-Hey, can you hear that?

-Yes, I'm a bit busy right now, Mike.

Just stop, just take a moment.

-I can't hear anything.

-Precisely.

I think, after about 300 years of trying,

I may have finally cracked this care home lark.

Oh, yeah, how do you figure that one out?

They must be doing their homework or their chores.

Michael Milligan!

You know, after 300 years of caring for children,

you have forgotten one important thing.

Oh, right, what's that?

If they're being quiet, it obviously means they're up to something.

DOOR CREAKS

-That was the office door.

-Which means it wasn't one of us.

-So, who was it?

-Come on!

Wait!

The whole point is, it's anonymous!

Coming through!

Wait!

Wait!

Move!

Definitely saw something in here.

You can come out now, Dexter.

We've got you trapped.

You were saying?

This is not how it works.

That's really weird, I swear I heard something in here.

If you just listen to me, I saw her come in.

You can come out now, Floss.

-Where's the parcel?

-I wanted to see who it was.

So, go away - or they won't show up.

So much for the amnesty.

Any other brainwaves, Sasha?

I've got one. Sasha and Dexter should move out.

What is it you don't like about us?

Wherever you two are, there's trouble.

And I reckon you've got your fingerprints all over this.

Fingerprints?

So, Archie, where did you learn about plants?

I mean, you know loads.

I think I gave talks about them.

-To who?

-To students.

I was very old then. I was in a wheelchair.

You were at a university?

See, you were older then.

Loads older.

No, no. no. Stop this. This is spooky, I don't like it.

It's fine. Ageing backwards makes you special.

Yeah.

But it also means I've got eight years left of my life

before I become, well, nothing.

I've got to get a picture of this.

I like them. They suit you.

I put the box down here.

There's got to be a fingerprint, even a footprint,

some clothing that flags, something.

Hmm.

Bad logic. Everyone's touched that handle,

and we've all been in the office.

Can you see anything?

I'm on to something!

Come with me.

Why? What can you see?

Well, I've found a trail.

-I can't see anything.

-Sh!

Let her concentrate!

Interesting. It's definitely going towards the bedroom.

-You found something?

-Erm...

Which bedroom does it lead to?

Er, sorry, the trail's gone dead.

Big surprise.

Well, at least you tried.

Sasha?

One word. Why?

You found it! Great, let's take it to Mike!

Maybe you'll get a reward!

I knew it.

Why did Jodie have to be right?

How did she know and I didn't?

My own brother.

You believe her?

-Why did you do it?

-Sasha, listen to me.

No, don't lie.

I've got proof. You left a trail of sherbet - and you're covered in it.

I just saw it and grabbed it.

Before I knew it, it was in my hands.

You're going to get kicked out.

I couldn't help it. I never get parcels or surprises.

I saw Archie's name on it, and I was taking it to his room.

And then I thought, "I wonder what's in it."

Archie would have shown you!

I know.

But I really did want to know.

I wasn't stealing, I swear.

Why are you hiding it in here, then?

You saw what the others were like, they think I'm a thief!

What are we going to do now?

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Anyone in there?

-Er, yeah.

Me. I'll be five minutes.

I have plans.

To do lots of things.

But what if I've already done them?

Do them again.

So, what would you like to do first?

Erm, let's see.

Number one - swim with dolphins.

-Number two?

-Wait, hang on - I can't swim.

But I used to be able to. I know I did - I was always a swimming.

Learn...

to...

-swim.

-Again.

Again.

See anyone?

-No.

-You so owe me for this.

MIKE: Did anyone sign for that parcel?

I've had a text saying it was delivered.

Big trouble if someone's messing about!

That's it, we're all dead.

Look, Tyler, I know I'm right!

It was Dexter, I know it was Dexter!

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Jodie?

Er, one sec.

-Hi.

-Hey. Can you do us a favour and tell us what's going on?

What's going on?

Come on, everyone's just being a bit too quiet.

It's just, erm...

Just what?

It's...

Huh?

It's a good thing.

Quiet.

Don't you just love quiet?

It's a good...good thing, isn't it?

-I don't know, you tell me.

-Yes.

-Only, I know something's going on.

-No.

-I can sense it.

Bye.

Bye.

SHE TUTS

SHE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

-Thief!

-No, Ryan, you don't understand.

-Guys, I've caught her.

-Ryan, you need to listen.

-It was you?

-No.

I...I found it.

-It was, erm...

-It was what?

It was in my room.

In your room?

-Of course it was.

-It ran in there all by itself, did it?

You've got to believe me - why would I take it?

Tyler, you know I'm not a thief.

Come on, let's tell Mike, he's already asking questions.

But, Ryan, you can't, because...

it wasn't me.

I was framed or something.

-That's convenient.

-I promise.

-Give it here.

-What?

Look, someone's going to get punished for all this.

So, it might as well be me.

No.

I'll take one for the team, otherwise we're all in big trouble.

You'd do that for me?

-What's going on?

-Change of plan. We're going to see the Queen.

The Queen? As in, the Queen of England?

Yeah. It's on Archie's list. Number three.

What list is this?

Archie needs to do things before he turns into nothing.

I've only got eight years left, because I used to be an old man.

They were plants I was an expert on.

-He gave talks.

-To students.

Dexter, you've got to fess up.

I'm not doing it. I can't.

Tyler's going to take the blame.

If I do, I'll get chucked out.

So it's better that Tyler does?

He'll be leaving soon anyway.

He's innocent!

What do you want, Sasha?

For us to never have a family,

never see each other again, to be split up?

So, let me check if I've got this right.

Tyler, you stole that.

I am lost for words!

I can't explain it, Mike.

Try.

He didn't take it, Mike.

I'm sorry, but the evidence says otherwise, Sasha.

-I did.

-Sorry?

I took the parcel.

I found it by the door and I took it.

I never get parcels, I never get sent anything.

And I was jealous.

How come Tyler said that it was him?

Yeah, I know that, but...

Actually, I took it.

What?!

-Because I'm a thief.

-Kazima, I know you're not.

All those weeks on the streets, stealing to stay alive, I...

-It's in my blood.

-Don't listen to her, Mike, I took it, I swear!

Actually, it was me.

Oh, come on now!

Mike, you got a minute?

Do I look like I have?

It wasn't them, it was me.

Finn, no.

-And I helped.

-It wasn't them.

Mike, it wasn't them, it was me.

-You?!

-And me.

Oh, come on now. Ryan, Chloe, seriously?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

I took it, Mike.

This stops now!

Please!

Actually, I saw it...

I stole it.

The end.

OK.

I get what you're all doing.

I understand that you're all big pals

and you don't want to see anyone getting into trouble.

But this doesn't make up for Archie's parcel being stolen.

And you may well think it does,

but trust me, one of you is still a thief.

So have a think about what's gone on today.

If it ever happens again, there is no second chance.

Do I make myself clear?

-ALL:

-Yes, Mike.

There's a whole house full of chores to be done.

Do 'em!

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Will do.

-Why did you all do that?

-Did you actually steal the parcel?

No.

Then that's why we did it.

Thanks, everyone.

Right, chores now.

-Bathroom!

-Off to the washing machine!

-Bathroom!

-I've got dishes!

Shotgun, not bedroom!

Hey.

I don't want to hear it, thanks.

What you did, confessing, I know why.

Just so you know - we're not friends right now.

I was right, wasn't I?

About Dexter?

So you couldn't let Tyler take the blame,

but you couldn't let Dexter take it, either.

But sometimes you've got to accept things.

And, Dexter, well, he did a bad thing.

And you covering up for him makes him think

he can always do bad things.

And that because of you, he'll get away with it.

I know what you're saying, right? But he's still my little brother.

And I want him to live here, because if I'm not around,

who's going to help him?

So, this came for you today.

I'm sorry I forgot to tell you they were coming.

The university where your dad worked sent them.

-My dad?

-Yeah.

-They were in storage.

-This is good, Arch.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-He must have showed them to you.

-Yeah, you weren't in a wheelchair,

you were in a pushchair. He took you to his lectures with him.

It's the song, he must have played it to you!

That means I'm not ageing backwards.

That's not such a bad thing.

Shame it's not happening for me!

THEY LAUGH

That means my dad's not ageing forwards, not any more!

Archie, he is.

No.

He is, because you remembered all the things he told you.

Like his favourite songs he played you.

So, when you move forward, he comes with you.

Do you think?

Yeah, of course he does.

He'll always be there with you, Arch.

Sasha...

Never again, Dexter.

Never.

But can I believe you?

Yeah. 100%.

# I promise I'll be better

# Please don't leave

# In our family portrait

# We look pretty happy. #