Healthy Living The Roy Files

So there I was, hard at it doing my homework when my ma comes in.

Aw, Roy, that doesn't look like your homework.

But Ma, it's History homework for Hammo.

Ah, History. Gossip's fancy cousin.

Your assignment is to write the life story of a historical figure

of your choice.

-BOTH:

-He wants every fact, every figure, every single detail.

I don't know where to start.

What do I know about the woman who built France

or the man who invented hiccups?

-Why not try writing about the person you know best?

-Who's that?

-You. We're all a part of history.

-Ma was right but did I really want

everyone knowing everything about me?

There are some things I wish even I didn't know.

My da was very persuasive though.

You know what he's like when he gets worked up about something.

Will whatever you're saying mean I have to have to stop

-reading this paper?

-No.

-Do that, then.

So I'm writing it all down, the life and thoughts of Roy O'Brien.

Cos these are The Roy Files.

Ah... Ah... Ah...

Achoo!

-Stupid cold.

-HE SNIFFS

I know everyone always thinks they get it worse than everybody else...

but I really do.

I'm so full of mucus, even me thought bubbles

are filling up with green, slimy gunge.

Cartoon colds are no joke,

and I catch them all.

'My da says I should just move into Dr Raschid's to save on petrol.'

Mm-hm.

HE TUTS, SIGHS

So? Is there anything you can give him, doctor?

-HE TUTS

-Well, to be honest, it's the first

time I've seen anything like this... again.

'Fair play to the doc, though -

'being a cartoon boy's doctor is no easy job...'

What manner of serpent is this, wizard?

-Stay away...

-HE SNORES

'..but he's always been there for me...'

Hm...it's probably a cartoon response to being

emotionally-elated. Yeah.

'..even when things get a little weird.'

OK, Roy, next time you're embarrassed,

I just want you to say to yourself,

"I'm calm and I'm still, and still I am calm."

Over and over, all right?

The truth is, Roy, I've really enjoyed the experience.

Being your GP has given me

more challenges than most doctors face in a lifetime.

Most vets, too!

HE PANTS

OK, Roy, I just want to have a little chat with Mum and Dad,

so if you can go out - out to the hall?

-HE PANTS

-Good boy. Good boy.

'Old Doc Raschid, he's one smart cookie -

'maybe even a little too smart.'

OK, it could be one of two things.

-Either it's oxygenating levatis aboliosis...

-Wha?!

-Come again?

It's a rare gaseous condition that affects boys

mainly in the 9-12 age group, and can only really be treated

by spending an entire month in bed.

No distractions, complete calm -

no TV, no music,

and absolutely nil by mouth.

Or it could be that Roy has...

swallowed a bar of soap to fake sick and get off school.

-BECKY LAUGHS

-Oh, Roy.

I'm really disappointed in you.

Erm, but...a whole bar of soap?

BECKY SCOFFS

So Roy, which do you think it is?

Well... Erm...

Still, when you've been to the doc as much as I have,

you can't help learning a thing or two.

And what I've learned is this -

if you don't want to spend all your time at the doctors...

-HE SNIFFS

-..don't get sick.

'That means looking after yourself,

'which starts with making sure you eat well.'

Erm, can I have greasy chips and gravy, four cheeseburgers -

extra oily - and, erm, can you hold the bun, please?

'Yep, a healthy, balanced diet is a must...

'with the occasional treat, of course.'

-Aw, Roy.

-Ah, I was wondering where that went.

Mm... still good.

'I'm always told, when it comes to healthy eating,

'your parents should set a good example at home.

'But I don't know what they were telling me for -

'my dad's the one who needs to know that.'

Look at this - a Bill special.

BILL GROANS, ROY GASPS

-What is that?

-Well, there's, erm...

Oh! That's hot. You have that one.

Sausages, there's pizza.

Pizza's your favourite, Sarah.

And that is a whole chicken.

-All...?

-Battered!

-Ah-h-h!

Now hold on a second there, son -

I have always tried to maintain a balanced diet.

You know what they say - "You are what you eat."

-Anyone fancy that last battered sausage?

-No, that's all yours, love.

Brilliant. Oh-ho! Look at this.

-MAURA GROANS

-Real grub.

You are what you eat?

Wouldn't that make you a family-size bag of pickled onion crisps?

Fit?

We ARE fit.

ROY CRUNCHES, BILL BELCHES

This family does not do unfit.

-HE BELCHES

-Manners.

For your information, young lady,

crisps are made from potatoes,

which, just like pickled onions, are vegetables,

so that's two out of your five-a-day right there.

And you call yourself a vegetable-arian?(!)

That meat looks a bit manky.

Becky's gone vegetarian, so I'm trying something new -

nutloaf.

Now here, I've heard everything, and now a vampire vegetarian?

-Meat is murder.

-Your head is murder.

Roy, will you show your sister a bit of support, huh?

HE SCOFFS

Sure, she'll only be a vegetarian for a few days...

at most. She'll be munching chops by the end of the week.

-That looks lovely, Maura.

-Thanks, Ma.

Come on, Ma, let the freak eat squirrel food if she wants -

can we have some sausages instead?

'I guess I can't blame it all on me dad, though.'

Yeah, you can... You can really taste the, um...

..nut.

'The truth is, I might have a little bit of a bad attitude.'

THEY CRUNCH LOUDLY

"Me Becky. Me eat rabbit food."

'And my ma does her best.'

Spirulina and spinach smoothie.

Is that, erm...?

Is that not the same stuff you put on your face last night?

-HE YELPS

-It'll do you good.

-Mind me six-pack.

More like a 36-pack.

-WHINES:

-"More like a 36-pack."

Here, sweetheart. I wouldn't want you to starve now, would I?

Huh? Enjoy(!)

'But if nature wants us to eat all that stuff,

'why doesn't it grow on plates?

'It's all over the ground - it's like nature already threw it away,

'and I'm not surprised - that's what you're supposed to do

'when food turns green.'

I don't know why I have to suffer,

just because you can't fit into your jeans.

BILL GROANS

'But I know me ma's right -

'if we think we can just eat junk and stay healthy,

'we must be dreaming.'

Ooh, battered sausage.

'That's why we all need someone to keep our feet on the ground...

'and out hands out of the fridge.'

Don't!

Move away from the bacon.

That's going to be Ma's job around here -

keeping us on the straight and narrow.

You make me sound like some kind of food police.

I just make sure there's enough healthy options on the menu.

Bill is actually a huge fan of my more...

natural dishes.

He loves his greens, and he's very open-minded

when it comes to trying my delicious, healthy treats.

You don't give your father enough credit.

When Bill puts his mind to something,

he has the willpower of a...

..very strong person.

SHE GRUNTS

I'm really proud of Bill, though.

He hasn't eaten a single chip or a bit of chocolate

since we started eating right.

I wonder what his secret is.

Really is brilliant.

Great job, Ma. See you later.

I can't tell her the truth - it would break her heart.

Thanks, son. I mean,

your mother is a marvellous woman...

but the one thing I dread is

when she goes off on one of her health kicks.

I mean, I'm all for healthy food, I am.

I mean, but some of the stuff she serves up...

-HE SCOFFS

-I mean, I'd rather lick me own feet.

Is that your mother behind me, son?

And is she making this face?

Nah, it's more like this.

Really?

It's worse than I thought.

You might not want to see this, son.

A word in your ear, Bill?

Yes, my sweet?

I might leave you to dig yourself out of that one, Da.

Besides, I'm going to need all the space I can get for this next clip.

Getting an elastic band, Roy?

It's a gastric band.

Aw, leave him alone.

Sinead, do YOU think I'm fat?

No. You're more...

Yes?

..cuddly? Squeezy?

'It was nice of Sinead to try and make me feel better,

'but I was way past "cuddly".

'This porker was blocking out the sunlight.'

Oh, Roy, I am fat.

HE INHALES

SQUELCH!

HE GRUNTS

HE SIGHS

I hate being fat.

'So it was time to get in shape.'

HE GROANS

'And that meant healthy food

'and plenty of exercise.'

'And luckily, exercise can be a lot of fun,

'as long as you don't overdo it.'

He's out there first thing in the morning, last thing at night.

-172, 173...

-Oh, he should give himself a rest.

He hasn't touched his computer in days.

Is it me, or is he getting skinnier?

'Not good.

'But getting back to me old self was a piece of cake.'

STOMACH GRUMBLES

HE BELCHES

Pardon.

Ah-ah! Just for Roy.

LOUD WHIRRING

There. Another breakfast like that tomorrow

and you'll be back to your old self in no time.

HE LAUGHS, BELCHES

-Pardon...

-Don't bother.

Yep, a piece of cake...

and anything else I could find in the fridge.

-KNOCKING ON DOOR MUM:

-Roy, you'll be late for school.

But I can't get out me bed.

Stop messing around!

Open the door.

-I haven't locked it - I'm stuck.

-What do you mean?

Ah, Bill, it's blocked or something.

Will you give over? Just needs a little shove. Watch, look...

-Mind yourself there now.

-Sorry, love.

-It's all right.

-Lovely.

Oh! Bill!

-Go on, love.

-Wait, will you? Don't shake the ladder.

I'm not shaking it.

-What in the name of...?

-What's going on?

I don't know, maybe we can winch him down?

He's not a piano, Bill.

'There was only one man to turn to.'

OK, Roy, I'm coming in.

HE GROANS

Hurry, Dr Raschid.

HE GRUNTS

HE STRAINS

Well, what have you been up to, eh?

Well, I think I ate too much last night.

I think you did.

-I'm trying to get into the football team, you see.

-Uh-huh?

OK, just breath in. Just relax.

HE GASPS LOUDLY

Oh, all part of a normal day's work.

You know? Flu jabs, sprained wrists,

dislodging overstuffed 11-year-old cartoon boys from their bedrooms(!)

What else are doctors for?(!)

ROY GRUNTS

-Move back.

-Oh, Roy, thank goodness.

-Thank God.

-Now, do you see what's happened?

-Huh?

-AIR WHINES OUT OF ROY

-All that crash dieting has

left his metabolism low - he can't digest all his food.

Well, will he get back to normal, doctor?

Eventually, but let this be a lesson to us all, OK?

Whether you're a human or a cartoon,

crash dieting and binging is dangerous.

I'm always saying that to you.

-HE SNIFFS

-Well, this cold

isn't getting any better.

From now on, it's healthy eating all the way.

Glad to hear it, son, because I've just the thing for you...

..my ginger, spinach and lime smoothie.

Mm!

Erm...thanks, Ma.

So plenty to get your teeth into when it comes to healthy living,

but keep to these simple rules and you'll be fine.

..big sausages, medium-sized ones...

even the odd chipolata to mix things up a bit(!)

That's a kind of sausage, but the way.

Seriously, though...

So if you want to stay healthy and feeling good...

..and get that fruit and veg into your gob.

And if you do feel hungry enough to heat a horse,

make sure it's a sugar-free, low-fat horse.

There you go - scrapbook sorted.

Ah!

Hey, that's not bad.

HE SNIFFS

I got my sense of smell back!

That's amazing! No more junk food for me.

-HE SNIFFS

-Hold on...

is that fish and chips?

Maybe I'll start that healthy eating after dinner.

Wait for me, Da! See yous!