Fears and Phobias The Roy Files

So there I was, hard at it doing my homework, when me ma comes in.

Roy, that doesn't look like your homework.

But, Ma, it's history homework for Hammo.

Ah, history. Gossip's fancy cousin.

Your assignment is to write the life story of a historical

figure of your choice.

-I want every fact...

-He wants every fact...

BOTH: ..every figure and every single detail.

I don't know where to start!

What do I know about the woman who built France?

Or the man who invented hiccups?

Why not try writing about the person you know best?

-Who's that?

-You. We're all part of history.

Ma was right.

But did I really want everyone knowing everything about me?

There's some things I wish even I didn't know.

Me da was very persuasive, though.

You know what he's like when he gets worked up about something.

Does whatever you're saying

mean I have to stop reading this paper?

No.

Do that, then.

So, I'm writing it all down.

The Life And Thoughts Of Roy O'Brien.

Because these are the Roy Files.

Roy!

Spiders, monsters and big sisters.

Apart from being hairy, what do all these things have in common?

That's right, most people find them scary.

And if you're one of those people, don't feel bad.

Everybody's scared of something.

Even really weird stuff,

like this teacher we once had.

Pick up these filthy rubber bands

and take them very, very far away.

Yeah, sure.

Ever since I was a young child, I've had a fear of rubber bands.

And it gets weirder.

Me da had a sports teacher who was afraid of knees.

That's true.

Old Cringer Crawford. He couldn't even look at a knee.

He used to make us play football wearing our jeans.

We never won a game.

But we were the coolest team in the league.

Some fears are a bit more common.

Oh, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy!

SHE SCREAMS

I can't say I'm the world's biggest rat fan,

so I'll give Cathy a pass on that one.

But what's not to love about a great big dog

who just wants to play?

What you want?

Woof! Woof! Woof!

Get away from me!

Stop it! Miss, tell him.

Roy O'Brien, what do you think you're doing?

Woof! Woof!

Especially when that adorable mutt is me.

Woof! Woof! Woof!

If you bite me, I'll sue!

Roy!

Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!

HE GROWLS

I don't know. That girl was scared of everything.

Roy! Are you OK?

HE GROANS

Rat phobia, dog phobia,

Tommy reckoned she even had phobophobia.

That's fear of phobias, by the way.

Says the boy who's frightened of clocks.

I'm not frightened of clocks.

Apart from that one very scary clock.

CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES

How does a little wooden bird know what time it is? Creepy.

And have you mentioned your fear of kittens yet?

That's not fair. Misty wasn't a kitten. She was a cat.

And not just any cat, she was a witch's cat.

My brother told me the red-eyed witch is real!

He knows at least two people who've seen her

and never saw the light of day again.

Come on. You're having us on.

They say you can always hear her cat, Misty, just before she arrives

to take you away forever, man!

Meow!

Tragic.

Some loser kid tells a stupid story about an evil kitten

and you fall for it

hook, line and stinker.

You mean, hook, line and sinker?

I know what I meant.

She's the ghost of a woman whose husband died in an accident...

on their wedding night...

100 years ago.

Um...Britney, I think her name was.

Yeah, and her husband's name was...

Tony or something.

She refused to eat and died of starvation.

Then she was found locked in a room with just her cat Misty beside her.

Anyway, I wasn't scared.

I just enjoy a good story.

Oh, really?

It's not the red-eyed witch. It's not the red-eyed witch.

Meow!

Shoo! Get off! Go away!

OK, maybe I took the story a little seriously.

Who's there? Hello?

CHURCH BELL RINGS, WIND HOWLS

Oh, no! The cross of stones!

A little seriously?

The red-eyed witch sent Misty to catch me,

but I don't want to be alone!

Oh, love, come here.

Take him inside.

Come on, love.

Anyway, that's called having a big imagination.

It's a good thing.

And don't act like you've never been scared.

Hello? Police?

Yeah, we need someone over here now.

There's a monster in our house!

Yeah, I know it's Halloween,

but it's not a prank phone call.

Hello?

Hello?!

'Hey, you were there, too.'

HORROR FILM MUSIC PLAYS

BANGS ON DOOR

The bathroom! SHE SOBS

-WHISPERS:

-One, two, three.

THEY SCREAM

SHE SCREAMS

-What do we do?

-I don't know!

Oh!

THEY SCREAM

OTHERS LAUGH

Who says we don't know how to scare yous any more?

That was all a set-up?

Happy Halloween!

The scariest thing that night was the bad parenting.

I think there's something wrong with Roy.

Roy! Roy!

Up here!

THEY SCREAM

What?

HE SCREAMS Help!

The Halloween hijinks may have gone a little far that year.

You think?

You literally scared your own son out of his skin.

Relax, Miss High-and-mighty.

I seem to remember a little girl who scared her own brother

out of his skin, literally.

Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.

HE SCREAMS

-Roy!

-What's going on?

I was just messing.

He's scared stiff.

Roy, can you hear me, love?

We need something to bring him around.

Biscuits.

No.

Still not working.

Chocolate.

Becky, go downstairs and get that slice of chocolate cake. Now!

-Wait, that was for my lunch.

-Bill!

I thought that would work.

I was only messing. Honestly!

-I was pretending to be the ghoul from the movie.

-What movie?

Roy, can you hear me, love?

Roy, wake up this minute.

What happened? Chocolate. Where? Can I have some?

Roy.

Did you go to see that movie after I told you not to?

Oh, yeah, Ghoul Claw.

That was one seriously scary film.

SCARY FILM MUSIC PLAYS

-Scary.

-Cool.

Yeah, it's supposed to be the scariest movie ever made.

And my cousin's sister's boyfriend came out the movie with his

hair turned white

and they had to take him to the hospital in a coma.

And now all he can eat is porridge.

Now that I think about it, the whole scary movie thing is bit mad.

Why do people pay money to frighten themselves on purpose?

I've got a question here for a smart grown-up!

Smart grown-up, you called?

Perhaps I can be of some help?

You sure can, Ma.

Could you go and find Miss Jervis?

There she is.

No worries, Ma.

Why do we like to frighten ourselves with horror films, though?

That is an interesting question.

And a subject into which I have undertaken

more than a little research.

Now, I will keep it simple.

You see, the primitive id is suppressed by the naturally

more civilised ego...

Yeah. Great. Thanks, Miss.

That is so interesting.

Not.

My mistake.

What we need here is a medical opinion.

Roy, you see, the thing about horror films is

they're a fun way of scaring ourselves in a safe environment,

but we're never in any real danger.

You wouldn't be the first young person to come and see me

with nightmares after watching a scary movie.

So, you mean I'm not a scaredy-cat?

Not at all! Sure, everyone's scared of something.

I myself am not particularly fond of clowns.

You're not the only one.

Can I give you a bit of advice, Roy?

When grown-ups ask if they can give you advice,

saying no isn't an option, is it?

Of course it is, Roy.

In that case, no, thanks.

I should really be getting on.

Well, anyway, here's the advice.

If you ever find yourself surrounded by a gang of angry clowns,

there's only one thing to do.

Well, what is it?

Go straight for the juggler!

Do you get it?

The juggler. Like jugular, yeah?

The external vein that runs superficially

to the sternocleidomastoid. No?

Oh.

Strange. They loved that one at the medical convention.

Dr Rashid, the comedian? Now, that is scary.

Not Ghoul Claw scary, though.

Bring it on.

HORROR FILM MUSIC PLAYS

Of course, I wasn't really frightened.

The claw!

HE SCREAMS

-Roy!

-HE SCREAMS

I mean, it was just a movie, right?

Once I was out of the cinema, I forgot all about that monster

in the woods.

That's not the way I remember it.

Doesn't anybody knock any more?

How do you knock on a thought bubble?

And stop trying to change the subject.

HORROR FILM MUSIC PLAYS

HE SCREAMS

Roy. Roy, it's OK, son.

Roy, it's just a dream! It's not real.

Roy. Shh!

Roy, there's no such thing as ghouls or ghosts, love.

-Really?

-Yeah.

HE MUMBLES, SNORES

-Good boy.

-Great.

I'll leave the light on for you, Roy, right?

Huh?

HORROR FILM MUSIC PLAYS

HE SCREAMS

You go in!

You brought him to that movie.

-I have to drive in the morning! You go.

-Get out!

Roy, Roy, I have to sleep, son.

Roy!

Now, Roy, look, it's just a dream, son, all right?

Try and think of nice things when you go back to sleep this time.

-OK?

-OK.

-Right.

-Nice things, yeah.

-Yeah.

HE SNORES

HORROR FILM MUSIC PLAYS

HE SCREAMS

-BOTH:

-Shut up!

Admit it, Roy. You're just a big scaredy-cat.

OK, fine.

I admit it. Sometimes I get scared.

But so would you if you'd seen what I've seen,

and I'm not talking about scary movies or stories.

I'm talking about real monsters that walk among us.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Didn't sleep a wink.

It is alive!

That's it, just wait until I tell them about the time you were...

Sorry, sis. We're running out of time.

So, plenty to think about when it comes to fears and phobias.

Keep to these simple rules and you'll be fine.

Remember, you can't be brave unless you're a little scared

in the first place, and sometimes, being scared can be a good thing.

Like, if you don't want to get in the bath

because instead of being full of water, it's full of gorillas.

Then being scared is actually pretty smart.

That's not a great example, but you get the idea.

Oh, and if something gives you a bit of a fright,

it can be a good idea to face that fear

so it doesn't get too big in your head.

Which reminds me, I'm off to the cinema.

Two tickets for...

No, that's not it.

CLEARS THROAT

Two tickets for Ghoul Claw 13, please.

Nailed it! See yous!