Love and War/Beam Me Up Scottie The Story of Tracy Beaker

# I can make my world come true All my dreams will see me through

# Doesn't matter what may come my way Believe me I will win some day. #

VOICE ON TV: 'Today we are profiling the life of Obadiah Johnston,

'a highly successful secret agent,

'well known for his skills as a deadly poisoner.

'He worked with an accomplice known as Cyanide Sue.

'Their favourite method was to slip poison into their victim's soup.'

-Finders keepers, Crash!

-It was in my room, on my bed!

-No, you...!

-Chantal, give it.

-Can I please have some peace and quiet?!

I'm trying to get this recipe right for Jane,

and I can't even hear myself think!

Too late, she's just arrived. Out! Go on, out!

I don't know why you're making such a fuss over her, anyway.

-Her family's from the same island as mine so I'm making this local speciality...

-Oh.

-..knock 'em dead soup!

-Knock 'em dead?

It's not just soup. It's a way of life!

When I get it right, this stuff's lethal!

-I saw this one...

-Hey, everyone, I'd like you to meet Jane,

-a student care worker who will be with us for a few days.

-Hello!

Norwich City. You like football?

Then again, if you're a Norwich City fan, maybe you don't!

Oh, that's Lol.

And this is his brother, Bouncer.

..Bouncer, are you all right?

OK, boss. Duke here. Knock 'em dead...

That's right. I need to know now. ..I know it's a secret.

Look, spill the beans before it's too late.

(Gotta go. Too many people around.)

"Jane, you are to me What Norwich City would to me be

"If I were to see Them every Saturday."

-Bouncer!

-Sorry.

Um...

Oh, dear!

It's not what you think. ..All right, it IS.

It's a poem for Jane. But it's useless.

-I can't give her this rubbish.

-A letter would be more romantic.

-I could write it for you.

-No, no, just go away. I need to be alone.

OK.

D'you really think a letter might work?

You've got to deliver it to Jane's house.

-And don't open it.

-OK.

-Where does she live?

-You'll have to find out. Be cunning.

You've gotta be really clever, Marco. You can't let her suspect a thing.

OK, that's far enough!

Give us the letter.

Such a loyal little postman.

But Bouncer won't thank you when he has to visit you in hospital.

Think about it. You know it makes sense.

This stuff will keep you ALL quiet when it's finished!

Try this.

It's all right.

It's still not right.

There's something missing.

-Knock 'em dead!

-Hi, Duke! Had any luck with our little problem?

I called the boss but I was interrupted.

I still don't know what the secret ingredient is.

-Mmm! This stuff's to die for!

-Yeah, but it's still not quite right.

Hayley, YOU try it.

"Jane, finding the right words to say how I feel for you

"is like looking for the purple ones in the pick 'n' mix of life"!

-What a sap!

-"You are like the light in the fridge - always on,

-"even in the cold and dark."

-What?!

-It would be cool if we wrote back!

Why? We don't like Bouncer.

Hello(!) If we write to him and he thinks it's Jane...

Oh, and Jane asks for presents!

Get with the programme, Rio! We write, he gives, we get. Like it!

-Oh!

-Pen, paper - NOW!

HE GROANS

What's the matter?

I don't know. Bad stomach. Must have been something I ate.

DUKE'S VOICE: 'Knock 'em dead soup. This stuff's lethal!'

Bouncer! She's written back!

Well, what did she say?

-"I love a man in yellow shorts."

-What?

Hi, Jane.

-..Hi, Lol.

-You look like a fruit salad!

(It's to impress Jane. I'll impress her now by doing my scorpion kick.)

-Scorpion kick?

-Yeah.

-Bouncer...

-Ready, Lol?

-Bouncer, don't...

-Ready?

-Bouncer, seriously...

Lol, chuck it up.

Up, up, up!

-Oh! ..Ooh!

-Bouncer! Are you OK?

Yeah...I'm fine.

Just give me two minutes. OK?

Jane. Jane!

I've got it!

-(Brilliant! Well?)

-(Ladies' fingers! That's what we need!)

(Come on.)

"..Best wishes, Bouncer."

I'm not taking it, I'm on strike.

Postmen only strike at Christmas.

It's more romantic if you deliver it to her house.

-Something's not right about this. She told me she has a boyfriend.

-The point is she's not married.

-So I still have a chance.

-The handwriting's terrible.

-Bad handwriting's a sign of intelligence.

-It's unprofessional.

Well, romance is dangerous.

Let's not do anything rash, now, postie!

Just hand it over...

nice and slow.

< They're trying to poison us with that soup!

They've found special ingredients.

It's fingers!

They're trying to poison us.

THEY CACKLE

Argh!

# I got a letter A love letter

# I got a letter A love letter from Jane

# I got a letter Cos she loves me... #

"Dear Bouncer...

"Dear...boyfriend..."

"Rabbit"?!

"Chocolate"?

"Dearest Jane, just a note to say Mr Sniffles the rabbit is on his way

"with lots of chocs in a pretty box for you to eat today."

Michael! Michael!

FOOTSTEPS THUMP UP THE STAIRS

Poisoner! You tried to poison Crash with this soup.

I didn't try to poison Crash!

D'you know how much chocolate he ate yesterday?

Well, you tried to put us all to sleep

and...I heard you talking on the phone to the boss.

Oh, the boss! Don't tell Sid but that's my auntie from the Caribbean.

Keep it quiet. I'm not supposed to make international calls.

But you put ladies' fingers in the soup!

Ladies' fingers -

okra! The secret ingredient.

The soup's not poison, it's ambrosia.

Watch...

Mmm!

-Duke!

-Duke!

-Duke!

Oi!

Thank you, postie! I'll take the chocolates.

And I'll take Mr Sniffles!

Argh! Argh!

-Give it back!

-Give it here!

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

-Where did you get them from?

-Sniffles, I believe is his name?

-Oh, dear.

-OK, Bounce...

nobody's perfect - you, me, Layla. We've all made mistakes.

Sometimes it's better to raise both hands and say, "OK, I goofed."

Humiliation is a part of growing up.

-What are you talking about?

-How do I put this?

Chantal, Roxy and Rio wrote Jane's letters.

-They've been making a fool out of you.

-You what?!

Jane never even got your letters.

So I'm still in with a chance, then?

Bouncer, she thinks you're mad.

Anyway, I'M not writing any more!

Rise above the situation, Bounce. ..Be a man!

Oi! That's MY rabbit.

I've got the ears to prove it.

Take him. But, remember, he's more of a rabbit than you'll ever be!

And we'll have these.

Mmm! Knock 'em dead soup!

..Oh, nice!

Octopus, is it? Snail? Mouse?

No. No, I can't say. It's a secret family recipe.

Um, Jane, we got these for you.

We've eaten half of them but there's plenty left.

We've really enjoyed having you here.

I suppose I'd better practise my scorpion kicks!

I'm proud of you, bro. You see, you CAN do it. She's just a chick!

Hi, I'm Frances, I'm the new student.

-Is this a good time to interrupt?

-Yeah, come in, have some soup.

Lol...? Lol, are you all right?

-Yeah.

-Lol...

Boys!

'No flipping! There's plenty more action coming...NOW!'

Argh! Who's there?!

Marco! It's the middle of the night.

Come quick, the aliens have landed!

-Oh...!

-Come on!

-What's up?

-Marco's found aliens, in the cupboard.

Again? What happened? They got lost on their way to Venus?

Who knows?

Ah-ha! ..They've gone, but they MUST be coming back -

they left their communication device behind.

Hi, I'm back! Did you miss me?

Meadowhurst Farm was fantastic!

I saw a lamb being born - blood and everything!

-I've got something to tell you.

-What?

-Well...

-Good morning, girls! Come on, Hayley, get a move on.

Big day today, remember? Mark and Helen will be here in a few hours.

You're going out with Mark and Helen?

I'm going to breakfast. You coming?

MARCO BARKS LIKE A DOG Hi, everyone! What's happening?

-Hi, Layla.

-How was Meadowhurst Farm?

-It was fantastic.

We had pancakes every day for breakfast.

Good doggie!

Next time we can go together!

Hayley?

I think she's nervous. ..Stop it, boys!

-Come on. Come on. Marco, come on - give.

-Grrr!

-Give.

Good boy. The people who are taking you out this morning are waiting in my office. Off you pop.

-MARCO BARKS

-Bad doggie! Go in your basket!

I'll be in the garden, Layla, if you need to chat.

-MARCO BARKS

-Hello!

-Hello!

This is Marco. That's enough barking, thank you.

-Oh!

-Mum!

-He's very excited to meet you, as you can see,

and very fond of animals. D'you have a dog, by any chance?

No, Martin's allergic.

MARCO WHIMPERS LIKE A DOG

-Thank you, Layla.

-It's OK.

Don't worry, you can always go and visit.

Go and visit? What?

Hayley! Lucky girl. If it all works out with her new family,

-she'll never have to eat my cooking again!

-Why?

Well, she's leaving today.

Sorry, Layla, I thought she'd told you.

-She said she would do as soon as you got back.

-Well, she didn't!

Well done, Duke, my son - you made a real mess of that!

Thanks for telling me(!)

I really wanted to, but every time I tried, I just couldn't.

You'll always be my best friend.

Best friends don't have secrets.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm really going to miss you.

Mark and Helen are really nice. They said you can visit any time,

-and I can come back here.

-Hayley! Mark and Helen are here.

BRANCHES CREAK

Hey, Batman, lost your batmates?

-Go away.

-It speaks(!) Want a hand to get down?

There are other things I could be doing.

If you hang upside down too long, the blood drains out of your feet

into your brain and your eyes pop out!

Messy - blood all over the place.

I WAS coming down anyway.

You all right, Layla?

Hayley told you she's leaving?

No, she didn't have the guts!

I had to find out for myself.

We've known hundreds of kids that get fostered, haven't we?

-Yeah, hundreds.

-You'll be next - you watch!

Some chance!

I bet you a fiver.

When there's all those perfect, Barbie Doll kids out there?

Get lost! Families love little cute kids like you.

It's ugly brutes like Bouncer no-one wants!

Hayley's got there first, that's all.

-Bad day, huh?

-No-one's ever going to foster me.

-Course they are.

-Little kids are the first to be snapped up.

-If you're cute like Hayley.

But YOU'RE cute.

In your own way.

I'm never going to get fostered. I'm just too weird.

-You know what you have to do.

-What?

-Just be a muggle for a bit.

-A muggle?

-Someone ordinary, boring.

-Then when you get fostered, do what you want.

-What's going on?

-Marco wants to be normal.

-Marco? Normal? Don't hold your breath!

-Oi!

-Don't worry. We'll show her. It can't be THAT difficult.

COMPUTER GAME BLEEPING

Look, I need help. I've got six hours to make Marco normal.

-Many have tried and failed!

-A family are coming this afternoon.

If we can get rid of the nutty bits, they might take him out.

It's the nutty bits that make Marco...Marco!

But Marco WITH nutty bits hangs from a tree pretending to be a bat.

Marco WITHOUT nutty bits goes out with a nice family to have fun.

-Crash, are you in?

-Sure, be a laugh.

-For who?

Tracey Beaker, you're fostered, you're OK.

Exactly my point. If I can get fostered, anyone can.

This is Marco we're talking about!

-What d'you like for breakfast?

-Cornflakes and lemonade.

-Or bread and gravy.

-Good choice.

From now on, it's toast and jam, OK?

-Favourite sport?

-Crown green bowling.

-Football. And David Beckham's your hero.

-But Uri Geller's my hero!

No, repeat after me, "David Beckham".

David Beckham!

That's his hobbies and eating habits. Now his clothes.

There is NOTHING wrong with my clothes!

Hayley, time to go.

Come on, Michael, she'll be leaving in a minute.

-When's she coming down?

-She's in there. She's waiting.

THEY ALL CHEER Send us a postcard!

You'll be next - you watch!

I'm going to miss you, kiddo!

You ever want peanut cookies, you know where I am!

You haven't seen Layla, have you?

-I'm sure she won't be long.

-Maybe the toilet door's stuck again.

Thanks. But I don't think she wants to be my friend any more.

Of course she does. She'll write to you. Sure.

So, here it is.

The big, wide world. Are you OK?

That's my girl! Come on.

It might seem a little strange at first

but you can ring me any time.

I'm on a roll! I think we've found the perfect family for Marco.

If they don't want him as soon as they see him, I'll eat my box file!

-ALL: See ya!

-Bye!

TOOT, TOOT!

I forgot to give you this!

-Sorry.

-Me too.

-Come back and visit.

-Of course I will.

I thought you might like it, for when we're pop stars.

See ya.

Don't forget me!

-This way, Marco!

-Remember - nice and normal.

Hello, my name is Marco Maloney.

Have you done something different to your hair?

Marco, meet the Boxers!

There's nothing I like better than watching TV and hoping to see my hero, Derek Beckham.

That is, of course, after I've eaten my toast and jam.

Sorry to butt in, but life with the Boxers may be a bit spooky for you.

We like to stay up all night, looking for UFOs,

eating crazy stuff. And we collect false teeth of the rich and famous.

These are from the first Dracula film!

Maybe you'd like a family that's a bit more... What's the word we don't use, lotus flower?

Normal?

Maybe you'd like a family that's a bit more...like that.

-I hate you all!

-We were only trying to help.

How could we know they'd just landed from Planet Zog?

-What did I say? Dare to be different.

-You might be right.

Time for the Beaker treatment. Crash, come with me.

Jackie, your recorder. Bouncer, get Marco in his Sunday best.

-..Yes, well, I do understand.

-Thank you.

Bye, then.

Whoa!

Oh, not again, Marco! Please excuse my friend.

We try and tell him it's not real but he just doesn't listen.

Maybe there's more to this boy than meets the eye. What are you doing?

I'm communing with the snake spirit of Nefertiti.

-You could be our sort of guy after all!

-I have a meeting with the leprechauns. Mustn't be late.

Any time you want to join us flamenco dancing,

-get your boss to give us a ring.

-I will. Ole!