Drama-Rama Wingin' It


Drama-Rama

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Feel this.

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Still warm - hot off the press.

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-Take a whiff.

-Why would I want to take a whiff?

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It smells like...paper!

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And ink.

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You hold in your eager hands my latest play.

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The Sour Milkman.

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It's 1950, a heat wave grips the city.

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A struggling milkman and his wife try to cope with life, love and milk.

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Well, I hope it's not a milk dud. Ha!

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Milk comedy, hilarious(!)

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I'm holding auditions and you two should try out.

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You getting the lead in this could help your popularity

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and possibly get me my wings.

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I don't know, Jane's plays are usually G rated.

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Hmm, Maybe this will tempt you.

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At the end the milkman and his wife share a hot kiss.

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-Yeah, but who'd play the wife?

-Who do you think?

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You mean I'd get to kiss Britney?

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I like the way you think, Porter, count me in.

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# Let's give it one more shot

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# Let's give it everything we've got

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# Cos if we get it right

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# We will surely conquer the world

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# Hey! I've got my wings

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# From an angel

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# Now we're wingin' it all the time

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# I'm giving wings to an angel

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# Always an angel

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# Now we've got to learn to fly. #

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I just don't get it, Dr Cassabi.

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Your supervisor's coming to evaluate you and you don't care.

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Well, my supervisor happens to be my old angel college roommate Henry.

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Or as he was known back then, Shades!

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-Shades!

-Back then I was known as The Steamboat.

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I can see why.

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Why's that?

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Er...

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Oh, all right, I know why!

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But believe it or not, I was slim back then.

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The name was ironic.

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-Ironic!

-I just came by to let you know

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I've got a plan cooking to make Carl the star of Jane's play.

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That sounds fantastic, Porter, now you'd better go,

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this could get a little bawdy.

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Whatever you say, Dr!

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OK, Dennis.

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-Henry is going to be here at the count of three.

-OK.

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One, and a two...

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And a one, two, three!

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# Lots of halos, lots of wings

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# Angel you has lots of things... #

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Shades.

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-You're not Shades!

-No, I'm Mildred Stern,

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Henry has the angel flu. I'll be supervising your review.

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-Uh-oh.

-Dennis, could you excuse us, please?

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Oh, so you want me to...beat it?

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DRUMROLL

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-Amusing.

-Dennis!

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OK!

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-We haven't had the pleasure of meeting before.

-Actually,

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I went to college with you, Steamboat.

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Though you might not remember me because back then

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you and your friends nicknamed me Mildew Stinks.

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LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

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Well you smell great now, Mildew.

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-Mildred. Ms Stinks... Stern!

-Stop talking!

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Steamboat.

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I don't get why we're both auditioning.

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I can't compete against an angel.

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You can when it comes to acting.

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What about your impersonation of Alex?

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See if you can guess who this is.

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"Hey, does this look infected?"

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Good Porter impression.

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By the way, does this look infected?

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I'm only auditioning cos Jane asked me to. I'll never get the part.

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This uniform should help you get into character.

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-Think my chances just went up two percent.

-Is that milk comedy?

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Yeah, percentages of milk - one percent, two...

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Porter, are you auditioning?

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-Yeah, so's Carl.

-I didn't know there was an elf in the play.

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Good luck, Porter.

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-Save that for later.

-Come here for a second.

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Never, ever grab a kiss out of the air.

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It's not cool - never has been and never will be.

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Perfect. If Porter gets cast as the milkman, then I'll get to kiss him.

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I can see our celebrity couple name now -

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Porter, Britney - Portney.

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Or how about Britter?

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BOTH: Ooh!

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Listen, Ethel, I figured out...

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Alex, could you lower the script so I can see your face?

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-Listen, Ethel, I figured out...

-Alex,

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this is worse. Could you hold the script somewhere in between?

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Tell me when...

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I don't need to audition. My recent commercial work speaks for itself.

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Need furniture but got no money?

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Come on down to Garreth Swan's Furniture Shack

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where we accept whatev's your best offer.

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We have dining sets starting at

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whatev's your best offer!

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We also have Chesterfields starting at whatev's your best offer!

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It's Garreth Swan's Furniture Shack, so head on down!

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So, whenever you're ready.

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Listen, Ethel, I figured out why we named our galaxy the Milky Way.

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Our world, our society, our relationships,

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have been formed by this dairy product.

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Next time someone says, "You've got a milk moustache,"

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I'll say, "I know I do. Why don't you?"

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Thanks, Carl, that was great.

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If you want me to do it differently, I can.

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Faster, slower, sadder, Scottish...

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-BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-I know I do. Why don't you?

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I've got to motor on through these auditions.

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All right, should I start from, "Listen, Ethel"?

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-Actually, I think I've heard enough. Thanks, Porter.

-Uh... OK, then.

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Sweet! I'm the fishmonger - I have a whole line!

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I'm the landlord!

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"If your rent is late, so help me, you will pay."

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But I live with my mom.

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Fishmonger lives with his mom?!

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You should have seen my audition, I'm a shoo-in for the milkman.

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That's weird, I'm the milkman.

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Oh, hey, Jane, uh...

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my name's not on the list.

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Ah, Carl, about that, um...

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First, let me just say you were the best actor I saw.

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Thank you...

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But I want people to come see The Sour Milkman, so...

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I need star power. I've got to give people what they want to see -

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Porter kissing Britney.

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Hi, Porter. OMG, Jane, I am SO excited to play Ethel.

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But do you think we could change her name to Sapphire?

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Don't answer right away - just think about it.

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Have you thought about it yet?

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That's fantastic, Porter(!) Now you get to kiss Britney.

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Hey, don't hate the player, hate the play.

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Sweet! I got the role of the fishmonger.

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But I got one question - what's a fishmonger?

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Carl, I'm really sorry I didn't cast you in my play,

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but I had to cast two lead actors that had, well, "It".

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I have It, I AM It. Whenever we used to play tag I'd always be It.

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I figured since you're one of my best friends,

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I could be honest with you. Hope that's OK.

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It's just I really wanted to be in The Sour Milkman.

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Could Carl be my understudy? I could use the help studying my lines.

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Done.

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All right, well, class starts in five minutes.

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-Chubby Bunny?

-You know me too well, Porter.

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This is where the students eat.

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Now I'll show you where we teachers lounge.

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Steer clear of the decaf...

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Dr Cassabi, a school tour has little relevance to your works.

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Of course, I was just...

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After Porter's "tornado" incident, you did give him a punishment?

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Uh... Please! I'm a professional...

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What was I supposed to be mad at you about again?

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Uh, it was, uh...

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-Ah, it doesn't matter. You got any 2s?

-Go fish.

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My cover as guidance counsellor

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allows me to observe my angel-in-training

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-with unparalleled ease.

-Really.

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Sounds like an excuse to meddle and do the AIT's work for him.

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No, no, I assure you Porter Jackson

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can handle his own daily complications just fine.

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As far as I'm concerned, they hand out wings too freely.

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I intend to put a stop to it.

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MUFFLED CRIES OF "CHUBBY BUNNY"

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Playing Chubby Bunny is hardly wing-worthy behaviour.

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I'll put a stop to this right now.

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Meddling, Dr Cassabi, hm?

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-No, just, uh...

-Really?

-..a little callisthenics...

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-Cos you were walking.

-Stretch the calves...

-I saw you.

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-Why don't we look at the new science wing?

-Fine.

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It's this way, I'll follow you.

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Now, people, this is going to be a lot of hard work,

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but in the end, it'll be worth it.

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Because we will have made art. So let's break a leg.

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At last, Oliver, you're free.

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-You're the milkman that I fell in love with.

-Stop!

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Let's take it again from the top.

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But we didn't do the kiss. It says in the script...

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We've got bigger stuff to work on, Britney. Like that monologue.

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It's the heart of the play, Britney.

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And the kiss is the... lips of the play...?

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But if we don't practise the kiss

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it's not going to look real on stage.

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Yeah, but...

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you don't want to wear your lips out before opening night.

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Think of that? That's why I'm the director and you're the housewife.

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Which you're nailing, by the way. Once again!

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From the top.

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OK, Alex. Porter and Britney kiss,

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then you enter and say, "Fish for sale,"

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and then you exit again.

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Let's try it.

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And...action!

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Sale for fish! Fresh sale for fish!

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No, it's, "Fish for sale."

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Got it.

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For sale, fish!

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Not quite right. The line is, "Fish for sale". Let's try it again.

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'Fish for sale!'

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Come in, Alex.

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Sale for fish! Fresh sale for fish!

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For sale, fish!

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Sale...

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Fish sale for!

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"Fish sale for"? What does that even mean?

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I don't know, I didn't write this play.

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Oliver, there's a heat wave on.

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Nobody wants hot coffee and they certainly don't want cream.

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All you ever do is crowd me, Ethel, and, uh...

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What's my line?

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"All you ever do is shout at me, Ethel,

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"like a ringmaster at the crazy big top that is my mess of a life."

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I don't get it. Why don't you just use your angel magic

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and memorise the script?

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If I zapped the words into my head, I wouldn't know what they meant.

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Or what makes Oliver tick.

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What's to understand?

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The man is stuck delivering milk in a heat wave

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while his wife Ethel slowly loses it

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and nobody appreciates how he keeps the city together

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by delivering their dairy.

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Wow. You really nailed his character, Carl.

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Would you sweep the floor? I need it free of dust for opening night.

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Sure, I was planning on mopping up after tonight's rehearsal.

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I'm going to sweep and, you, learn your lines.

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Ms Stern, I guarantee what you're about to see

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is going to impress you.

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Look at those girls fawning over Porter.

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Fawning? I'd say more like doting.

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Porter is meant to be helping CARL

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become the most popular student in school.

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Oh, yes, you've impressed me, Dr Cassabi.

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Impressed me with your incompetence.

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Well, my mom and Becky are here.

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Hope Becky doesn't heckle Porter like she heckles me.

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Stop fussing, Jane!

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I look amazing.

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Great! Everyone's great.

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Now all we need is our leading man.

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Speaking of which... Carl, have you seen Porter?

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-What the...?

-Porter!

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You're supposed to break a leg, not break a leg!

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What am I supposed to do now?

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Sorry, Jane, I guess there's only one thing you can do.

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Sub-in Carl.

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-What?!

-All right, understudy, you're up.

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No, no, no, no, no.

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What happened to star power?

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I'm sorry, I should have picked you in the first place.

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You were the best audition. Come on, Carl, please?

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-All right.

-Great.

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Into the milkman suit. You're Oliver now.

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Suddenly it just got really hot in here.

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Look at you getting into character already!

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Angels can't break their legs.

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You did that on purpose!

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All that nonsense about,

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"Ooh, I want to know how Oliver feels."

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You're the best actor.

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I can't act like I'm not suffering stage fright.

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Can't you use your magic to take it away?

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It's against angel rules. I can help you in a different way.

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-MAGICAL WHIRRING

-Meet William Shakespeare.

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Oh, it's a pleasure, Mr Shakespeare.

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Ah! Porter, I knew it had to be or not to be you!

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That is the question. Isn't it?

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Carl's worried about being in a play. Can you give him a pep talk?

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You have to be like that fella in the play that I wrote.

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You know... What was it called? Erm...

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The...the one with the... IMITATES SWORD FIGHTING

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-Sword?!

-Eg... MAN ROARS WHEN HIT BY IMAGINARY SWORD

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That's pretty much all of them. Othello?

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-No!

-Hamlet?!

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Yes! Bingo, that's the one! When things are bad,

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you have to be... HE PANTS

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A gorilla!

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-No!

-No, no, confident! I've to be confident.

-Yes!

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-That's right!

-How am I supposed to be confident if I suck?!

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Well, when you fall off the... HORSES GALLOP

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-You know...clip, clop. Clip, clop.

-A horse!

-Yes!

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You have to... HORSE NEIGHS

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-Get right back on?

-Exactly!

-Wow! You bring me William Shakespeare

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and we end up playing charades!

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I'm sorry, but I'm only good at the... SQUEAKING

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-Polishing.

-No.

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-Washing?

-No!

-Writing!

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Yes! Writing! Well, glad that I could be of...

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HE SIGHS

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-Help?

-Yes!

-Thanks, Bill.

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-You're a big help.

-MAGICAL WHIRRING

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Everyone get to their places. Two minutes to curtain!

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-CARL GASPS

-Hey, break a leg!

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What is that? Angel comedy?

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You haven't changed since college. You're still the steamboat,

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-more concerned with being cool than working.

-Cool? I've never been cool!

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There was one time when Henry Shades loaned me his shades and he... Hi.

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-..I felt pretty cool.

-And you're passing on your bad habits to Porter.

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Well Carl is about to star in this play, thanks to Porter!

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Too little too late!

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I'm going upstairs to file a report recommending

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that you be replaced!

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You've been out to get me before this review even started!

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I'm sorry I called you names in college.

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But you are attending this play,

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and seeing the good work of my angel in training,

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even if I have to carry you in there myself!

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And I will! I'm the steamboat!

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-You guys excited about the play?

-What happened to your leg? You OK?

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Actually, nothing's wrong with it. I got a little stage fright,

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-and I needed an excuse.

-Oh, I'm sure you would have been great.

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At least now, you get to see Carl up there playing the milkman.

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I have to watch Carl?! Can't I just wait in the car?

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No, you have to stay and support your brother.

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Too bad I left my tomatoes at home.

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Jane, I just heard Porter dropped out of the play.

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-Then I heard even worse news.

-What?!

-I'm dropping out too.

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What?! Why?! Porter had to drop out!

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-He broke his leg!

-Erm...yeah! And I broke a nail! I simply can't go on!

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-You're just dropping out because you can't kiss porter!

-Urgh!

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-I can't believe you'd say that!

-Is it true?!

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-Yes! But I can't believe you'd say that!

-Quit the play! See if I care!

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-Urgh, what evs!

-OK, I DO care!

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Britney's not in the play anymore?!

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Oh, man, I don't get to kiss her!

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-And there's the rest of the play too.

-Mmm.

-It's a shame.

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-It's probably the bigger shame, biggest shame!

-Only one thing to do.

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-Beg Britney to come back? Offer her money?

-No! I'll do it myself.

0:15:240:15:28

I wrote it. I know every line!

0:15:280:15:30

-Anything to keep my play from being ruined.

-But we're best friends!

0:15:300:15:34

-So?

-In a big scene at the end, we have to kiss! Isn't that weird?

0:15:340:15:38

It's not a big deal to me. Is it to you?

0:15:380:15:40

-No! It's a play. Nothing weird about that.

-Plays aren't real.

0:15:400:15:44

-Exactly, it's fine. Nothing weird.

-Exactly.

0:15:440:15:46

I'll go put on my costume. And get some breath mints.

0:15:460:15:49

-OK. Situation is under control.

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:15:510:15:54

Feels like this heatwave's never going to end.

0:16:060:16:09

-And the milk won't stop either.

-Well the fan's broken again, Oliver!

0:16:090:16:13

It seems like it's always broken, Oliver!

0:16:130:16:15

Now you listen to me, Ethel.

0:16:150:16:17

I'm going to start selling more milk

0:16:170:16:19

and I will buy you a new fan!

0:16:190:16:22

Always the dreamer.

0:16:220:16:25

Hey! You're two months late on your rent!

0:16:250:16:28

-Would you like some...

-Milk! Don't offer me milk again!

0:16:280:16:31

I want moolah! You got two days and then you're out of here!

0:16:310:16:34

Hey, coach.

0:16:340:16:36

LAUGHTER

0:16:360:16:38

That Bandalucci! Livin' it up on the west side! He's forgotten

0:16:400:16:43

what it's like to be a working man trying to scrape by.

0:16:430:16:46

But Oliver, the heatwave is on!

0:16:460:16:48

Nobody wants hot coffee and they certainly don't want cream!

0:16:480:16:51

Stop crowding me, Ethel!

0:16:510:16:54

All you ever do is shout at me

0:16:540:16:56

like a ringmaster in the crazy big top that is my mess of a life!

0:16:560:16:59

You've got to know something. I am no clown!

0:16:590:17:03

APPLAUSE

0:17:050:17:06

# Oh, have a snack

0:17:090:17:11

# Drinks are cool

0:17:110:17:12

# All the money goes to the school

0:17:120:17:14

# It's good time to have a stretch

0:17:140:17:16

# Go to the back and you can

0:17:160:17:18

# Get yourself a T-shirt... #

0:17:180:17:20

Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves.

0:17:220:17:24

-Let's hope they like the second half as much as the first.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:17:240:17:27

Awesome. So, look, about the kiss. How long do we do this for?

0:17:270:17:30

-One Mississippi, two Mississippis?

-We just kiss

0:17:300:17:33

-until Alex says his line. Focus on your monologue.

-Yeah, I got it.

0:17:330:17:36

Focus on the kiss. On the monologue! God, monologue!

0:17:360:17:39

Hey, Victor! You missed two light cues!

0:17:390:17:41

OK. Focus, Carl, focus. On the kiss. No! Don't! Snap out of it!

0:17:430:17:48

I won't let this heatwave beat me.

0:17:510:17:52

My deliveries are down and I've got a truck load of curdled milk.

0:17:520:17:55

And it's gone sour. Just like me. Just like us!

0:17:550:17:59

-SHE SOBS

-You know what I'm going to do with that curdled milk?

0:17:590:18:03

I'm going to make cheese. I'll make mozzarella and cheddar

0:18:030:18:06

and Gouda and Swiss.

0:18:060:18:08

-I'll even make Camembert.

-What about havarti?

-I'll even make havarti,

0:18:080:18:11

for anyone who'll have it!

0:18:110:18:13

Oh, Oliver! You're free! You're the milkman I fell in love with!

0:18:130:18:17

And I'm not sour anymore.

0:18:170:18:18

-Yeah!

-HE LAUGHS

0:18:220:18:23

Wow.

0:18:260:18:28

FISH!

0:18:290:18:31

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:320:18:34

Way to go, guys!

0:18:410:18:43

-See, Carl. The kiss was fine.

-Yeah, yeah, it was totally fine.

0:18:450:18:49

It was like kissing, kissing, kissing, pizza!

0:18:490:18:51

DRUMROLL Oh, the curtain calls!

0:18:510:18:54

RAPTUROUS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:18:540:18:57

Wooh! Yeah! Good job, Carl!

0:18:570:19:00

-Who knew your brother was such a good actor?

-I never thought I'd say this,

0:19:050:19:09

but good on you, Carl, good on you.

0:19:090:19:11

So, what did you think of Carl's performance in the play?

0:19:110:19:14

Judging by that, Porter Jackson IS helping Carl along,

0:19:140:19:17

and appears to be on track with earning his wings.

0:19:170:19:19

I'll file a report commending both of you.

0:19:190:19:21

Back in college, I had my own nickname for you. It was Cassteamy.

0:19:220:19:26

Because I thought you were hot!

0:19:260:19:28

-Really?!

-No!

-SHE LAUGHS

0:19:280:19:32

Oh, I am good! No, you'll always be a steamboat to me!

0:19:320:19:36

Congratulations, Jane, your play was a huge hit!

0:19:380:19:41

Couldn't have done it without you. Thanks, Carl.

0:19:410:19:43

-HE LAUGHS

-Wasn't that on the other foot?

0:19:540:19:57

Yeah. I switched it and nobody noticed. Great performance.

0:19:570:20:01

-Very convincing and the right amount of cheese.

-Yeah. Cheese. Good one.

0:20:010:20:04

What's wrong? You were great and you're acting weird.

0:20:040:20:07

-Was it because you didn't get to kiss Britney?

-No, no.

0:20:070:20:10

I'm just trying to shake the character, get back to being Carl.

0:20:100:20:14

-Ah, it was your kiss with Jane, wasn't it?

-No, no!

0:20:140:20:18

That's not it at all. No.

0:20:180:20:20

-HE SIGHS

-How could you tell?

0:20:200:20:22

You don't have to be an angel to tell, bro.

0:20:220:20:24

Come on, Hopalong! Let's go celebrate.

0:20:240:20:28

Hey, Carl, there was a talent agent in the audience,

0:20:280:20:33

and I'm going to Hollywood.

0:20:330:20:36

-No, you aren't.

-Oh, don't be sour, milkman.

0:20:360:20:39

All right, come on, Alex, let's go join the cast party. Get it?

0:20:390:20:42

-Cast party. Hmm!

-No.

0:20:420:20:44

But sure. I do love to party.

0:20:440:20:47

Exactly.

0:20:540:20:56

HE LAUGHS That's my line!

0:20:560:20:58

Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well, Horatio.

0:20:580:21:02

He went on a low carb diet and lost a lot of weight.

0:21:020:21:04

THEY LAUGH

0:21:080:21:10

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