Drama-Rama Wingin' It

Feel this.

Still warm - hot off the press.

-Take a whiff.

-Why would I want to take a whiff?

It smells like...paper!

And ink.

You hold in your eager hands my latest play.

The Sour Milkman.

It's 1950, a heat wave grips the city.

A struggling milkman and his wife try to cope with life, love and milk.

Well, I hope it's not a milk dud. Ha!

Milk comedy, hilarious(!)

I'm holding auditions and you two should try out.

You getting the lead in this could help your popularity

and possibly get me my wings.

I don't know, Jane's plays are usually G rated.

Hmm, Maybe this will tempt you.

At the end the milkman and his wife share a hot kiss.

-Yeah, but who'd play the wife?

-Who do you think?

You mean I'd get to kiss Britney?

I like the way you think, Porter, count me in.

# Let's give it one more shot

# Let's give it everything we've got

# Cos if we get it right

# We will surely conquer the world

# Hey! I've got my wings

# From an angel

# Now we're wingin' it all the time

# I'm giving wings to an angel

# Always an angel

# Now we've got to learn to fly. #

I just don't get it, Dr Cassabi.

Your supervisor's coming to evaluate you and you don't care.

Well, my supervisor happens to be my old angel college roommate Henry.

Or as he was known back then, Shades!

-Shades!

-Back then I was known as The Steamboat.

I can see why.

Why's that?

Er...

Oh, all right, I know why!

But believe it or not, I was slim back then.

The name was ironic.

-Ironic!

-I just came by to let you know

I've got a plan cooking to make Carl the star of Jane's play.

That sounds fantastic, Porter, now you'd better go,

this could get a little bawdy.

Whatever you say, Dr!

OK, Dennis.

-Henry is going to be here at the count of three.

-OK.

One, and a two...

And a one, two, three!

# Lots of halos, lots of wings

# Angel you has lots of things... #

Shades.

-You're not Shades!

-No, I'm Mildred Stern,

Henry has the angel flu. I'll be supervising your review.

-Uh-oh.

-Dennis, could you excuse us, please?

Oh, so you want me to...beat it?

DRUMROLL

-Amusing.

-Dennis!

OK!

-We haven't had the pleasure of meeting before.

-Actually,

I went to college with you, Steamboat.

Though you might not remember me because back then

you and your friends nicknamed me Mildew Stinks.

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Well you smell great now, Mildew.

-Mildred. Ms Stinks... Stern!

-Stop talking!

Steamboat.

I don't get why we're both auditioning.

I can't compete against an angel.

You can when it comes to acting.

What about your impersonation of Alex?

See if you can guess who this is.

"Hey, does this look infected?"

Good Porter impression.

By the way, does this look infected?

I'm only auditioning cos Jane asked me to. I'll never get the part.

This uniform should help you get into character.

-Think my chances just went up two percent.

-Is that milk comedy?

Yeah, percentages of milk - one percent, two...

Porter, are you auditioning?

-Yeah, so's Carl.

-I didn't know there was an elf in the play.

Good luck, Porter.

-Save that for later.

-Come here for a second.

Never, ever grab a kiss out of the air.

It's not cool - never has been and never will be.

Perfect. If Porter gets cast as the milkman, then I'll get to kiss him.

I can see our celebrity couple name now -

Porter, Britney - Portney.

Or how about Britter?

BOTH: Ooh!

Listen, Ethel, I figured out...

Alex, could you lower the script so I can see your face?

-Listen, Ethel, I figured out...

-Alex,

this is worse. Could you hold the script somewhere in between?

Tell me when...

I don't need to audition. My recent commercial work speaks for itself.

Need furniture but got no money?

Come on down to Garreth Swan's Furniture Shack

where we accept whatev's your best offer.

We have dining sets starting at

whatev's your best offer!

We also have Chesterfields starting at whatev's your best offer!

It's Garreth Swan's Furniture Shack, so head on down!

So, whenever you're ready.

Listen, Ethel, I figured out why we named our galaxy the Milky Way.

Our world, our society, our relationships,

have been formed by this dairy product.

Next time someone says, "You've got a milk moustache,"

I'll say, "I know I do. Why don't you?"

Thanks, Carl, that was great.

If you want me to do it differently, I can.

Faster, slower, sadder, Scottish...

-BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-I know I do. Why don't you?

I've got to motor on through these auditions.

All right, should I start from, "Listen, Ethel"?

-Actually, I think I've heard enough. Thanks, Porter.

-Uh... OK, then.

Sweet! I'm the fishmonger - I have a whole line!

I'm the landlord!

"If your rent is late, so help me, you will pay."

But I live with my mom.

Fishmonger lives with his mom?!

You should have seen my audition, I'm a shoo-in for the milkman.

That's weird, I'm the milkman.

Oh, hey, Jane, uh...

my name's not on the list.

Ah, Carl, about that, um...

First, let me just say you were the best actor I saw.

Thank you...

But I want people to come see The Sour Milkman, so...

I need star power. I've got to give people what they want to see -

Porter kissing Britney.

Hi, Porter. OMG, Jane, I am SO excited to play Ethel.

But do you think we could change her name to Sapphire?

Don't answer right away - just think about it.

Have you thought about it yet?

That's fantastic, Porter(!) Now you get to kiss Britney.

Hey, don't hate the player, hate the play.

Sweet! I got the role of the fishmonger.

But I got one question - what's a fishmonger?

Carl, I'm really sorry I didn't cast you in my play,

but I had to cast two lead actors that had, well, "It".

I have It, I AM It. Whenever we used to play tag I'd always be It.

I figured since you're one of my best friends,

I could be honest with you. Hope that's OK.

It's just I really wanted to be in The Sour Milkman.

Could Carl be my understudy? I could use the help studying my lines.

Done.

All right, well, class starts in five minutes.

-Chubby Bunny?

-You know me too well, Porter.

This is where the students eat.

Now I'll show you where we teachers lounge.

Steer clear of the decaf...

Dr Cassabi, a school tour has little relevance to your works.

Of course, I was just...

After Porter's "tornado" incident, you did give him a punishment?

Uh... Please! I'm a professional...

What was I supposed to be mad at you about again?

Uh, it was, uh...

-Ah, it doesn't matter. You got any 2s?

-Go fish.

My cover as guidance counsellor

allows me to observe my angel-in-training

-with unparalleled ease.

-Really.

Sounds like an excuse to meddle and do the AIT's work for him.

No, no, I assure you Porter Jackson

can handle his own daily complications just fine.

As far as I'm concerned, they hand out wings too freely.

I intend to put a stop to it.

MUFFLED CRIES OF "CHUBBY BUNNY"

Playing Chubby Bunny is hardly wing-worthy behaviour.

I'll put a stop to this right now.

Meddling, Dr Cassabi, hm?

-No, just, uh...

-Really?

-..a little callisthenics...

-Cos you were walking.

-Stretch the calves...

-I saw you.

-Why don't we look at the new science wing?

-Fine.

It's this way, I'll follow you.

Now, people, this is going to be a lot of hard work,

but in the end, it'll be worth it.

Because we will have made art. So let's break a leg.

At last, Oliver, you're free.

-You're the milkman that I fell in love with.

-Stop!

Let's take it again from the top.

But we didn't do the kiss. It says in the script...

We've got bigger stuff to work on, Britney. Like that monologue.

It's the heart of the play, Britney.

And the kiss is the... lips of the play...?

But if we don't practise the kiss

it's not going to look real on stage.

Yeah, but...

you don't want to wear your lips out before opening night.

Think of that? That's why I'm the director and you're the housewife.

Which you're nailing, by the way. Once again!

From the top.

OK, Alex. Porter and Britney kiss,

then you enter and say, "Fish for sale,"

and then you exit again.

Let's try it.

And...action!

Sale for fish! Fresh sale for fish!

No, it's, "Fish for sale."

Got it.

For sale, fish!

Not quite right. The line is, "Fish for sale". Let's try it again.

'Fish for sale!'

Come in, Alex.

Sale for fish! Fresh sale for fish!

For sale, fish!

Sale...

Fish sale for!

"Fish sale for"? What does that even mean?

I don't know, I didn't write this play.

Oliver, there's a heat wave on.

Nobody wants hot coffee and they certainly don't want cream.

All you ever do is crowd me, Ethel, and, uh...

What's my line?

"All you ever do is shout at me, Ethel,

"like a ringmaster at the crazy big top that is my mess of a life."

I don't get it. Why don't you just use your angel magic

and memorise the script?

If I zapped the words into my head, I wouldn't know what they meant.

Or what makes Oliver tick.

What's to understand?

The man is stuck delivering milk in a heat wave

while his wife Ethel slowly loses it

and nobody appreciates how he keeps the city together

by delivering their dairy.

Wow. You really nailed his character, Carl.

Would you sweep the floor? I need it free of dust for opening night.

Sure, I was planning on mopping up after tonight's rehearsal.

I'm going to sweep and, you, learn your lines.

Ms Stern, I guarantee what you're about to see

is going to impress you.

Look at those girls fawning over Porter.

Fawning? I'd say more like doting.

Porter is meant to be helping CARL

become the most popular student in school.

Oh, yes, you've impressed me, Dr Cassabi.

Impressed me with your incompetence.

Well, my mom and Becky are here.

Hope Becky doesn't heckle Porter like she heckles me.

Stop fussing, Jane!

I look amazing.

Great! Everyone's great.

Now all we need is our leading man.

Speaking of which... Carl, have you seen Porter?

-What the...?

-Porter!

You're supposed to break a leg, not break a leg!

What am I supposed to do now?

Sorry, Jane, I guess there's only one thing you can do.

Sub-in Carl.

-What?!

-All right, understudy, you're up.

No, no, no, no, no.

What happened to star power?

I'm sorry, I should have picked you in the first place.

You were the best audition. Come on, Carl, please?

-All right.

-Great.

Into the milkman suit. You're Oliver now.

Suddenly it just got really hot in here.

Look at you getting into character already!

Angels can't break their legs.

You did that on purpose!

All that nonsense about,

"Ooh, I want to know how Oliver feels."

You're the best actor.

I can't act like I'm not suffering stage fright.

Can't you use your magic to take it away?

It's against angel rules. I can help you in a different way.

-MAGICAL WHIRRING

-Meet William Shakespeare.

Oh, it's a pleasure, Mr Shakespeare.

Ah! Porter, I knew it had to be or not to be you!

That is the question. Isn't it?

Carl's worried about being in a play. Can you give him a pep talk?

You have to be like that fella in the play that I wrote.

You know... What was it called? Erm...

The...the one with the... IMITATES SWORD FIGHTING

-Sword?!

-Eg... MAN ROARS WHEN HIT BY IMAGINARY SWORD

That's pretty much all of them. Othello?

-No!

-Hamlet?!

Yes! Bingo, that's the one! When things are bad,

you have to be... HE PANTS

A gorilla!

-No!

-No, no, confident! I've to be confident.

-Yes!

-That's right!

-How am I supposed to be confident if I suck?!

Well, when you fall off the... HORSES GALLOP

-You know...clip, clop. Clip, clop.

-A horse!

-Yes!

You have to... HORSE NEIGHS

-Get right back on?

-Exactly!

-Wow! You bring me William Shakespeare

and we end up playing charades!

I'm sorry, but I'm only good at the... SQUEAKING

-Polishing.

-No.

-Washing?

-No!

-Writing!

Yes! Writing! Well, glad that I could be of...

HE SIGHS

-Help?

-Yes!

-Thanks, Bill.

-You're a big help.

-MAGICAL WHIRRING

Everyone get to their places. Two minutes to curtain!

-CARL GASPS

-Hey, break a leg!

What is that? Angel comedy?

You haven't changed since college. You're still the steamboat,

-more concerned with being cool than working.

-Cool? I've never been cool!

There was one time when Henry Shades loaned me his shades and he... Hi.

-..I felt pretty cool.

-And you're passing on your bad habits to Porter.

Well Carl is about to star in this play, thanks to Porter!

Too little too late!

I'm going upstairs to file a report recommending

that you be replaced!

You've been out to get me before this review even started!

I'm sorry I called you names in college.

But you are attending this play,

and seeing the good work of my angel in training,

even if I have to carry you in there myself!

And I will! I'm the steamboat!

-You guys excited about the play?

-What happened to your leg? You OK?

Actually, nothing's wrong with it. I got a little stage fright,

-and I needed an excuse.

-Oh, I'm sure you would have been great.

At least now, you get to see Carl up there playing the milkman.

I have to watch Carl?! Can't I just wait in the car?

No, you have to stay and support your brother.

Too bad I left my tomatoes at home.

Jane, I just heard Porter dropped out of the play.

-Then I heard even worse news.

-What?!

-I'm dropping out too.

What?! Why?! Porter had to drop out!

-He broke his leg!

-Erm...yeah! And I broke a nail! I simply can't go on!

-You're just dropping out because you can't kiss porter!

-Urgh!

-I can't believe you'd say that!

-Is it true?!

-Yes! But I can't believe you'd say that!

-Quit the play! See if I care!

-Urgh, what evs!

-OK, I DO care!

Britney's not in the play anymore?!

Oh, man, I don't get to kiss her!

-And there's the rest of the play too.

-Mmm.

-It's a shame.

-It's probably the bigger shame, biggest shame!

-Only one thing to do.

-Beg Britney to come back? Offer her money?

-No! I'll do it myself.

I wrote it. I know every line!

-Anything to keep my play from being ruined.

-But we're best friends!

-So?

-In a big scene at the end, we have to kiss! Isn't that weird?

It's not a big deal to me. Is it to you?

-No! It's a play. Nothing weird about that.

-Plays aren't real.

-Exactly, it's fine. Nothing weird.

-Exactly.

I'll go put on my costume. And get some breath mints.

-OK. Situation is under control.

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Feels like this heatwave's never going to end.

-And the milk won't stop either.

-Well the fan's broken again, Oliver!

It seems like it's always broken, Oliver!

Now you listen to me, Ethel.

I'm going to start selling more milk

and I will buy you a new fan!

Always the dreamer.

Hey! You're two months late on your rent!

-Would you like some...

-Milk! Don't offer me milk again!

I want moolah! You got two days and then you're out of here!

Hey, coach.

LAUGHTER

That Bandalucci! Livin' it up on the west side! He's forgotten

what it's like to be a working man trying to scrape by.

But Oliver, the heatwave is on!

Nobody wants hot coffee and they certainly don't want cream!

Stop crowding me, Ethel!

All you ever do is shout at me

like a ringmaster in the crazy big top that is my mess of a life!

You've got to know something. I am no clown!

APPLAUSE

# Oh, have a snack

# Drinks are cool

# All the money goes to the school

# It's good time to have a stretch

# Go to the back and you can

# Get yourself a T-shirt... #

Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves.

-Let's hope they like the second half as much as the first.

-Yeah, yeah.

Awesome. So, look, about the kiss. How long do we do this for?

-One Mississippi, two Mississippis?

-We just kiss

-until Alex says his line. Focus on your monologue.

-Yeah, I got it.

Focus on the kiss. On the monologue! God, monologue!

Hey, Victor! You missed two light cues!

OK. Focus, Carl, focus. On the kiss. No! Don't! Snap out of it!

I won't let this heatwave beat me.

My deliveries are down and I've got a truck load of curdled milk.

And it's gone sour. Just like me. Just like us!

-SHE SOBS

-You know what I'm going to do with that curdled milk?

I'm going to make cheese. I'll make mozzarella and cheddar

and Gouda and Swiss.

-I'll even make Camembert.

-What about havarti?

-I'll even make havarti,

for anyone who'll have it!

Oh, Oliver! You're free! You're the milkman I fell in love with!

And I'm not sour anymore.

-Yeah!

-HE LAUGHS

Wow.

FISH!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Way to go, guys!

-See, Carl. The kiss was fine.

-Yeah, yeah, it was totally fine.

It was like kissing, kissing, kissing, pizza!

DRUMROLL Oh, the curtain calls!

RAPTUROUS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wooh! Yeah! Good job, Carl!

-Who knew your brother was such a good actor?

-I never thought I'd say this,

but good on you, Carl, good on you.

So, what did you think of Carl's performance in the play?

Judging by that, Porter Jackson IS helping Carl along,

and appears to be on track with earning his wings.

I'll file a report commending both of you.

Back in college, I had my own nickname for you. It was Cassteamy.

Because I thought you were hot!

-Really?!

-No!

-SHE LAUGHS

Oh, I am good! No, you'll always be a steamboat to me!

Congratulations, Jane, your play was a huge hit!

Couldn't have done it without you. Thanks, Carl.

-HE LAUGHS

-Wasn't that on the other foot?

Yeah. I switched it and nobody noticed. Great performance.

-Very convincing and the right amount of cheese.

-Yeah. Cheese. Good one.

What's wrong? You were great and you're acting weird.

-Was it because you didn't get to kiss Britney?

-No, no.

I'm just trying to shake the character, get back to being Carl.

-Ah, it was your kiss with Jane, wasn't it?

-No, no!

That's not it at all. No.

-HE SIGHS

-How could you tell?

You don't have to be an angel to tell, bro.

Come on, Hopalong! Let's go celebrate.

Hey, Carl, there was a talent agent in the audience,

and I'm going to Hollywood.

-No, you aren't.

-Oh, don't be sour, milkman.

All right, come on, Alex, let's go join the cast party. Get it?

-Cast party. Hmm!

-No.

But sure. I do love to party.

Exactly.

HE LAUGHS That's my line!

Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well, Horatio.

He went on a low carb diet and lost a lot of weight.

THEY LAUGH

Subtitled by Red Bee Media Ltd

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