Best Before Date Wingin' It

Hey, Porter.

Check this out.

Hey! Mr Jenkins won the Golden Plunger award!

He is a very thorough janitor.

No, not that! I mean this.

The Newshound's just released its list

of coolest guys at Bennett High.

Every year, I organise a date auction.

All the girls get to bid on the guys from the Cool Guys list

and each couple gets two tickets to a concert.

This year, it's Fefe Dobson! All the money goes to charity.

Oh, Charity. Why does this Charity girl need so much money anyway?

Why can no-one ever explain this to me?

Actually, we've explained it to you many times.

Every time we do...she does that.

Hey, I'm number one!

And I'm number... Hey, look! I'm number 11!

Ha! That's right. I'm in the top 11 list. What's up?

I've never heard of a top 11 list.

Technically I'm in the top 10 list

as you're an angel and don't count,

which means I'm a top 10 human.

Whatever gets you through the day.

Congratulations, Carl! This year, you're in top 20.

Top 11, actually. It's just an honour to be nominated.

-It's a huge relief.

-Jane, who are you going to bid on? Carl, maybe?

I'm going to bid on everyone, and drive up the prices.

It is a charity after all. See you guys at the auction!

Yes! Jane's going to bid on me.

She's going to bid on everyone.

Everyone includes me!

I admire your positive attitude. And your delusional thinking.

That's why I'm Cool guy number 11. That, and my swing!

That's exactly why you're number 11.

# Let's give it one more shot

# Let's give it everything we've got

# Cos if we get it right

# We will surely conquer the world

# Hey! I've got my wings

# From an angel

# Now we're wingin' it all the time

# I'm giving wings to an angel

# Always an angel

# Now we've got to learn to fly. #

Next up, we have Serge Delvecchio!

-20!

-20...

-25!

-25.

-30!

-30.

-Too rich for my blood. I'm out.

Going once, going twice... Sold!

Serge Delvecchio to Denise Simmonds for 30.

-Sweet!

-Even though my date's IQ is lower than what I paid for him,

who cares? I'm going to a concert!

Next up, we have Alex P Horatio Rodriguez!

APPLAUSE

I thought of a plan that makes sure Jane bids for you for the concert.

What's it going to be? Time travel? Cupid magic? Love sense?

Those cue cards Dr Cassabi's holding,

I just magicked you dead last.

Wow, dead last(!) Just like gym class.

Jane's bidding a little on everyone to bring the prices up,

but she doesn't want to win anyone until everyone's picked.

So she'll have to win me to go to the concert. That's genius!

Sold to the Lesterne sisters for 43.17!

Next up, Porter Jackson!

Nobody even bother. This one is mine!

20!

You're throwing your money away.

Porter would have to pay me to go out with him!

Girls, this is a charity auction! Let's be as generous as we can.

I bid 80!

That is my man. 90!

100!

Whoo! Things are heating up.

140. Jane, what are you doing?

Brittany, you are so adorable!

141!

150! I can outbid you all day.

I know, that's the idea. 160!

Oh, Jane, so naive, driving up the bids.

This year, I'm going to trick her

into using up all of her money on one date.

That way, I can get a leftover boy for cheap,

and then I'm off to the concert with Joe Nobody

to audition for Fefe Dobson.

180!

200!

-200 going once...

-Brittany, I said 200! You can outbid me now!

200 going twice...

Sold to Jane Casey, for 200 smackeroo!

I wasn't supposed to win Porter!

You wasn't supposed to win Porter?!

And last, but certainly not least, Carl Montclaire.

He's just returned from the dentist, so his teeth are super clean.

Can we beat 200?

Anybody? 200?

All right, 190? That's as low as we're going.

180?

-10.

-10!

OK! Going once...

Going twice...sold!

For 10 clams. Have a good time at the concert, everyone!

CHEERING

So, what do you think? All the way cuffed? Three-quarter cuffed?

Rolled all the way down? Buttoned? Unbuttoned?

I can't even have this conversation until you iron that shirt.

-What? It's supposed to look wrinkled.

-It's doing its job!

So, thanks to Jane's bidding at the auction,

you're going with the girl I like

and I'm going with the girl that barely likes me.

I've got a new plan! Show her a good time and Jane will be jealous.

Nothing makes a girl jealous like a guy carrying another girl's purse.

Trust me. Go get ready for the concert.

-I'm already ready.

-You sure?

Fine, I'll change my shirt.

Everyone has their own ritual to prepare for the concert.

I research Fefe Dobson's entire discography.

Now I know the lyrics to every one of her songs, forwards AND backwards.

"Everything my be to ready you're if but."

I'm practising my vocal octaves.

-LOW VOICE:

-# Run way down low

-HIGH VOICE:

-# To way up high! #

I'm practising my dance moves for the concert.

Wait. Those are my basketball moves!

That's the guy I'm going with?! Ay-ay-ay!

I get ready for a concert by testing my earplugs!

IMPERSONATING TARZAN: Ahhhhh-ah-ahhh-ah-ahhhhh!

It worked great!

I wasn't sure what drinks you guys wanted, because you never told me.

So I put a bit of every flavour in each cup.

Hey, Serge! Where's my drink?

Over there on the counter. There's all kinds up there! Go help yourself.

Get me one, too. Actually, get me three.

Oh! Is that her?

I think it's her.

-I'm not sure if it is her.

-I can't tell.

It's me.

Oh, hi, er, Miss Fefe, Miss Dobson.

Fefe, I can hardly wait for your show to start.

Unfortunately, my opening act is stuck at the border,

so it's going to be a while.

Anyways, later!

So they don't have an opening act?

Denise, don't even think...

All right! Let's get this party started!

# Woke up on the wrong side of the bed

# Not a darn thing's going right today

# Bad luck is the only luck I get

# Yeah, that guy Murphy was right... #

-Who is that?

-That's your date!

Oh, that's my date.

Oh, that's my date!

I'm on a date too!

Ooh...

-What's Denise doing up there?

-What am I, your guardian angel?

# ..But I'm still on my feet

# So hit me with your best shot Oh-oh

# I can take what you've got Oh-oh... #

See, Carl? If Denise can get up there, why can't I?

She's almost good enough to open for me!

# Is that all you've got? I can't be stopped

# Oh no Oh, oh, oh-oh

# Hit me with your best shot Oh, oh, oh

# Ha! Do they all feel like a dummy

# Walking down here like I'm so clumsy... #

Brittany! Do you want to dance?

I don't think so.

All right.

# Even when they hit me in the stomach

# Knock me down but it's not a KO

# Cos I can back up like I'm Rambo

# So hit me with your best shot Oh-oh

# I can take what you've got Oh-oh

# Hit me with your best shot Oh-oh

# Is that all you've got? I can't be stopped, oh no

# Oh, oh, oh-oh Hit me with your best shot

# Oh, oh, oh-oh Hit me with your best shot! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And coming up next, Fefe Dobson! Goodnight!

-FEFE:

-Hey! Thanks for filling in!

-DENISE:

-No worries! They're all warmed up for you.

Come on, Carl. We have to get closer before Fefe starts.

-We're already at the front.

-Denise got her chance. Where's mine?

Hey, Jane!

Jane's looking at me.

Ha-ha! That was a good one, Brittany!

HE YAWNS

Don't yawn with your arm, Carl.

Right, right, sorry.

You know what, Brittany, in this lighting, you look like a princess.

A princess? How old am I? Three?

Sorry, like a duchess, maybe?

I want to look like a rock star!

Thanks for coming out.

# There's a whole lotta things that I will forgive

# But I just can't take a liar

# I was by your side till the very end

# Till you pushed me in the fire... #

Jane doesn't seem very jealous, Porter.

Brittany's not even paying attention to me.

-She's just here for a big break.

-True. I've got an idea.

This should improve things!

Backstage passes! Thanks, that's awesome!

Hey, Brittany!

How would you like to accompany me backstage?

You've got backstage passes? You're the best!

-What?

-Er, I didn't say anything!

Well, we'll be B-stage! Means backstage.

# You sound guilty cos you're stuttering

# Oh oh oh oh oh Ey ey ey ey ey... #

-Where did Carl get those backstage passes?

-Oh, he knows people.

Wow. If it wasn't for Brittany, Carl would be taking ME backstage.

Sounds like somebody's keeping an eye on Carl.

It would just be really cool to interview Fefe for the Newshound.

# You can tell me this, you can tell me that

# But don't say you don't remember

# Cos I know you better than you know yourself

# So don't say I'm crazy, I know very well

# It's you and me against the world

# That's what you said, that's what you said

# If you can't be honest with me, then I'm afraid this is the end

# Hurry up, hurry up

# If you ever really cared about me

# Tell the truth, give it up

# You sound guilty cos you're stuttering

# Oh-oh-oh, ey-ey

-# Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-whoa

-# Yeah, you're stuttering... #

Once Fefe Dobson hears my voice, she is going to be speechless!

-I can't argue with that, but...

-Oh, it's fate, it's destiny, it's...

Never being able to finish a sentence.

Stop saying words, Carl! I'm talking.

Anyway - as soon as I sing with her,

she's going to hear my voice and ask me to go on tour with her.

It's gonna be a fa-a-a-a-a-me explosion!

Trust me, explosions can be dangerous, harmful to others -

maybe you should just hold off.

Please! If you want fame, you cannot just stand around and wait for it.

Now, take my picture while I stand around and wait for it.

# You sound guilty cos you're stuttering

# Oh-oh-oh, ey-ey

-# Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-whoa

-# Yeah, you're stuttering

# Oh-oh-oh, ey-ey

-# Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-whoa

-# Yeah, you're stuttering

# Oh-oh-oh, ey-ey

-# Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-whoa

-# Yeah, you're stuttering

# Oh-oh-oh, ey-ey

-# Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-whoa

-# Yeah, you're stuttering! #

CHEERING

Thank you so much!

These are great, Carl. You can print them out and make posters.

-How about we get one with the both of us?

-Ooh. Uh...

my memory card is full...ish.

There she is! There she is!

I see her! I see her!

Next time you talk to me... I am going to be a superstar.

You can say, "I knew her when..."

Hey... Fefe!

Oh, hey.

-You TOTALLY rocked out there.

-Oh... Thanks.

But...there was one thing missing.

-Er...and what was that?

-Me!

I'm - wait for it...

Brittany!

So? What can I do for you, Brittany?

It's not what YOU can do for me...

-it's what

-I

-can do for me.

OK...

Are you ready?

OPENING PIANO FLOURISH

HOPELESSLY OUT OF TUNE: # Eyes of ru-u-u-u-ubies

# Lips of gold

# A nose of diamo-o-o-onds

# Or so I'm to-o-o-o-old

# I am...

# Bri-i-i-ittany-y-y-y-y

# I am

# Bri-i-i-ittany-y-y-y-y! #

Wow. That was er...

That was er...

Well...you're pretty. You got that.

SNIGGERING

I'm...sure they were laughing WITH you.

Brittany looks upset. Should I go in there?

We'll never get by the bouncers. And besides -

Carl's good with taking care of people, being a gentleman...

He'd make a great boyfriend.

I mean, look at him - he's so smooth!

Ooooh! Aaaah!

Man, he's such a great listener...

CRASH!

OK, I get that Carl's your best friend,

but you haven't stopped talking about him all night.

-What's going on?

-Nothing.

-Tell me.

-No.

-Tell me!

Fine... Carl wanted you to buy him in the date auction.

He wanted to impress you. What do you think is going on?

No...

What - do you want an encore so you can just laugh at me some more?!

I wasn't laughing at you, Brittany.

I may be Bennett High's most beautiful, most popular girl...

I might have the best hair and the best shoes and the best teeth...

See? With looks like that you shouldn't be crying!

..but I have NEVER been so embarrassed in my life.

The acoustics out there made me sound foolish -

in front of a FAMOUS PERSON!

It was the acoustics! Right.

Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?

Do you have any diamonds?

-No.

-AAAAAAAGH!

Er...but you do! # Eyes of ruby, these lips of gold

# A nose of diamonds, or so I'm told

-SHE YELLS ANGRILY

-# You... You are Brittany...

# You are Brittany, I'll sing it again

# Brittany...

-NASALLY:

-# You...are...Brittany! #

You butchered my song.

I was cute - yes, you're right.

-I AM Brittany.

-You totally are -

and if Fefe doesn't appreciate that, that's her fault.

Carl likes you more than friends.

-Of course he does, we're best friends.

-BETTER than best friends.

But that would make us... Oh.

I gotta go talk to Carl.

Erm...

Excuse me. See that whirling dervish over there?

I think he brought some outside snacks into the venue.

-Thanks, Carl. You're a really good friend.

-Yeah... Agh!

You really cheered me up.

Dude - this concert's pretty good, huh?

Carl... Oh!

Erm...!

-Jane, what happened to you last night?

-I got my dad to pick me up.

Did you end up talking to Carl?

It was hard - his mouth was attached to Brittany's.

-You saw Carl kissing Brittany?!

-Oh, yeah. With both eyes.

-Jane, did you have fun at the concert?

-Not as much fun as you(!)

-Oh, and by the way - Jane might have seen you macking on Brittany.

-What?!

That wasn't macking, it was...sympathy!

-Oh, our plan has totally failed.

-Our plan is working perfectly -

Jane's gotta be jealous. Go and tell her you like her

-and you have no plan to continue macking on Brittany.

-Got it.

And it wasn't macking! Sympathy.

Jane!

'I give Carl's chances of getting out of this to be one in 100.'

..I know, I know!

Jane - me kissing Brittany was a one-time misunderstanding.

I am single and totally on the market and the girl I really like...

Open your ears, and brace yourself. Wait for it...

"Carttany." Don't you love it - Carl, Brittany - Carttany?

It's like THE most perfect couple name ever.

The other possible name was Britt-l, but it sounded too peanut-ty.

Besides, everyone's already started calling us "Carttany"!

The new "it" couple!

Congratulations! I guess.

And I will see you at lunch, my darling...

'No - make that one in a million.'

Why does this ALWAYS happen to him?!

Hey - Carl. How's it going, dude, what happened?

So I guess you heard about "Carttany".

Yeah. Brittany's kinda got a blog about your relationship.

"Oh, I miss Carl so much.

"Carl needs to step up his hair gel game."

She's kinda right about the hair gel.

Jane took off. You had no right telling her how I felt!

I can't stress that enough -

if I could underline it in the air, I would.

Look, Jane's jealous. Is it possible that I did you a favour?

I guess. I just have to get Brittany out the picture and ask Jane out.

It's time to turn Carttany into history.

Brittany, we've got to talk.

Talking isn't one of our scheduled "coupled activities".

I just don't think we're working out.

Not yet - couples' yoga isn't till Thursday. Sit, sit, sit.

We're just... not a good match, Brittany.

But...we're wearing complementary colours.

-I think we should start seeing other people.

-We do. Look, all around us.

I'm breaking up with you!

-What are you...

-Ah!

-But...

-Texting!

And...sent.

Carl, I've given this a little thought, and I'm...

breaking up with you.

CHORUS OF MOBILE TEXT ALERTS

Dumped through a text. That's really harsh.

Listen up, everybody. Carttany is splitsville!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I'm having a break-up party, and everyone is invited

except for he-knows-who.

You broke up with Brittany? Good for you, Carl.

Oh, you noticed? It was such a low-profile event(!)

Now to finally ask about Jane.

Hey - Jane...

Wow, you just got dumped in front of the entire school. Brutal.

Yeah - over it, I bounce back quick. I'm young.

This whole time I was so afraid Brittany would treat you badly -

she can be so prickly, like a...glossy blonde cactus.

-So you were just looking out for me?

-Of course,

I don't think you and Brittany are a good match.

-So you think you and I are...

-Best friends? Absolutely.

-Best friends.

AAAAAGH!

-How are you guys doing?

-Great! Best friends.

Cool. Jane, weren't you a LITTLE jealous of Carttany?

Define "little".

-Refrigerator...little?

-Nope.

-Microwave little?

-Not really. More like...

toaster little. See ya!

She's...toaster jealous. That's a pretty good size!

Yeah, it is. Oh, and it's a four-slicer.

-Wanna grab a snack?

-Got the jam!

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