Carl+Alt+Delete Wingin' It


Carl+Alt+Delete

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Next question. What is the process by which molecules of a solvent pass

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through a semipermeable membrane from a less concentrated solution?

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-Diffusion.

-Jane, that's the third question in a row that you've asked and answered yourself.

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You're defeating the purpose.

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But if you're a guest on your own talk show, you'll nail the interview.

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Everyone, this is Ty Aaron, a new transfer student here.

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At his old school he was a whiz at advanced science, a perfect addition to your study group.

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Great! I'm Carl, that's Jane, Alex and Porter.

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Oh, I just remembered I forgot a cannoli in the teacher lounge with my name on it!

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It had better still be there.

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My deets, in case you want to email me any questions you guys have about science.

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I don't need to study. This biology exam is going to be a breeze.

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I'm already warming up my victory dance. Later.

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Wow, you've got to respect Ty's confidence.

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Or envy it, because I have none.

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Come on, Carl, do you really think you'll do poorly in the exam?

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Sorry, I thought you were still answering your own questions so I was waiting for you to say something.

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Exam humour, I love it! I'm going to go get a snack.

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-Come on, Alex.

-Huh?

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Oh, no, no, no! Jane is going to kill me.

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Don't worry, I got you.

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Whoa!

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And now I lost you.

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# Let's give it one more shot

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# Let's give it everything we've got

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# Cos if we get it right

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# We will surely conquer the world

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# Hey! I've got my wings

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# From an angel

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# Now we're wingin' it all the time

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# I'm giving wings to an angel

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# Always an angel

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# Now we've got to learn to fly. #

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"Jane's ideas"?

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"Clubs I belong to"?

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-I'm in Jane's laptop!

-Carl, I knew you were into computers, but this?

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This is ridiculous.

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-Porter!

-All right, hang on, I'll get you out.

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Jane's coming! Hide in one of her folders so she doesn't see you.

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I'll hide behind the trash can.

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-Where's Carl?

-Ah, nowhere.

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Somewhere. He's done studying.

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Well, I'm going for an A plus, so I'm going off to the lunch area

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to ask myself some more practice questions. See ya.

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I have a question, what do I do now?

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King me!

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Oh, what's wrong, Denise? I thought you'd be happy for me. I know I am.

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I'm just so bored without an AIT assignment, Dr C.

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-That's why I'm down here, right?

-You'll get an assignment soon.

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Just keep practising your angel magic and you'll be fine.

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-Even that doesn't perk me up.

-Dr Cassabi, something's attacking your head!

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Yeah, a bad fashion sense.

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This is head fruit. Since my desk is so full, I keep my lunch up here.

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-So, what can I do for you two?

-It's a nightmare, Dr Cassabi.

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We have to memorise and perform a scene from Oliver Twist.

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If we don't pass this presentation

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then we'll fail and have to drop an extracurricular.

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How about you two get a peer tutor to help you?

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I'll do it.

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-ALL:

-Really?

-I love literature. The perfect person for the job.

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Technically, Denise, I'm the only perfect person here

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and the fact you didn't know that makes you even less perfect.

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I'll accept you as tutor.

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-I've a spare next period.

-I'll be there.

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Mind if I borrow a grape?

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-Oliver Twist research.

-Whoa!

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Stop trying to trash me!

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I've got to get out of here.

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OK, these notes should make Brittany happy.

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-Maybe I can hitch a ride.

-Send.

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Oh, everything's pink. Shocking. Oh!

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Brittany didn't win that speed texting competition for nothing.

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-Hey, Brit?

-One sec.

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I just have to alert everybody in the school that my new eye shadow matches my lip gloss. There.

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For a second there my player looked like Carl.

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What an excellent glitch.

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Hey, Ty! Still feeling good about the biology final?

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Carl? Carl, are you in there, buddy?

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It's almost criminal. They're going to have to throw away the keys, and there will be no chance for parole.

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-Where did you go?

-Hey, what are you doing talking to my computer?

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I thought your laptop was voice-activated.

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You know, I've been studying a lot so I'm really tired and I...

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I've got to go!

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Now, this is more relaxing.

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"Ty's tech tips."

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"Cute kittens."

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I wouldn't have pegged Ty for that one.

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"Bio exam." I wonder if Ty took good notes during our study session?

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Wait, this is the bio exam!

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With the answers! Ty's planning on cheating.

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Oh, I've got to get out of here.

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This is the famous workhouse food scene from Oliver Twist.

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Brittany, you play Oliver. Serge, you're Mr Bumble.

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All right, let's give it a whirl.

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-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-Please, sir, I want smores.

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-I love smores!

-Me, too! Let's go get some.

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Wait, that's not the line. It's, "Please, sir, I want some more".

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-Please, sir, I want some more.

-What does she want some more of?

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-Gruel.

-Eugh!

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-Oh, I prefer smores.

-Me too.

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Some more smores?

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-You said smore smores!

-THEY LAUGH

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Check this out, some more smore smores?

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Please, sir, smore smore smores?

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Some mores? Some more smore smores?

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Smoresy smoresy smore smores!

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-Mr Smores.

-Mr Smores and his little kitty!

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Miaow, miaow, miaow!

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-Smores!

-Smores!

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Hey, Dr Cassabi.

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I have a friend who accidentally put someone in someone else's computer.

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-You put Carl in a computer?

-No, no, a friend did.

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Was that friend your height and looked like you?

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-No.

-And did this friend choose head nods for his angel magic?

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I accidentally magicked Carl into Jane's computer and now he's not there. I don't know where he went.

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Well, we can't help him if we can't find him.

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Yeah, but he could be anywhere in the internet, which means anywhere in the world.

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-KNOCKING

-Come in.

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Hello!

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Carl! Am I ever glad to see you!

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I have been sending myself around the internet all day.

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I finally found Dr Cassabi's email address on a bagel enthusiasts' mailing list.

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Well, I like bagels because they look like little puffy halos.

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Can you get me out of here? And you might want to think about trimming your nose hair.

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Well, brace yourself, Carl.

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Getting humans out of computers isn't exactly a cakewalk. Here we go.

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What's happening?

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Porter, can you help out?

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I'm stuck!

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Guys, I'd rather not live as a half man, half laptop!

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Denise, can you come here?

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-A little help, please.

-Hey, Carl.

-Hey, Denise.

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Is this Porter's handiwork?

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-What do you think?

-All of a sudden I feel so much happier.

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Computers and magic are highly incompatible, Porter.

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Next time we may not be able to get Carl back.

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Promise me, no more computer magic.

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I promise, no more magic anywhere near a computer for me.

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Dr Cassabi, I'm up to my neck in "duh"!

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Serge and Brittany are tough to teach.

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-Saddled with a pair of difficult students? I have no idea what that must be like.

-Hey!

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Denise, tell me all about your troubles over a bagel.

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OK, look, we have a problem.

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Surfing through cyberspace, I came across the biology exam answers on Ty's computer. He's going to cheat.

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Not Ty, he's a model student! Are you going to tell Mr Dolby?

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-It's not like I can tell him that my guardian angel pinged me into Ty's computer.

-There they are.

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Hey, guys, it's exam time.

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-I'm so ready.

-Me too.

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-Want to bet I get the highest grade?

-Maybe I do.

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Don't waste your money, I think Ty's got the edge.

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You're not getting the harsh conditions of the times you're living in.

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You've been slaving in a workhouse for six months.

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You've got to act like you're hungry.

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I am such a good actress that I am hungry.

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When's lunch?

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Serge, you're the owner of the workhouse who looks down on Oliver, a well-fed fat cat.

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Fat? I work out every day.

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Oh, you two are impossible!

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I'm bringing in back-up.

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Keep running lines.

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-Mr Dickens, how's the writing going?

-Horribly. Now that I'm upstairs,

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everything is always so bright and happy.

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It has giving me serious writer's block.

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I've got two people who need to be sad and depressed.

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They're totally incapable of understanding the harsh setting of Oliver Twist.

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How wonderful! You've made my day!

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Can you help me get through to them?

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Absolutely! They didn't call me Dickie Doom for nothing!

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Serge, Brittany, this is my grandfather.

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You smell like cough drops.

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How do you do? My name is Charles Dickens.

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-No connection to the other Charles Dickens.

-What other Charles Dickens?

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They've never heard of Charles Dickens?

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Hey, I was shocked, too.

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-Brittany, did you even read the book?

-I read the cover.

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-Did you real the whole cover?

-Most of it.

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Always have your name above the title.

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Porter, I should tell Mr Dolby I think the biology exam answers were stolen.

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It's not fair to let someone cheat.

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Hey, I'm with you.

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I'm an angel, you're preaching to the choir.

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Attention everyone, today's final exam has been cancelled.

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APPLAUSE

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Some diabolical mastermind has hacked my computer.

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I say mastermind because my password is 30 characters long.

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That's the last time I use my mother's maiden name.

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Anyway, all my exam answers have been compromised.

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Everybody in the hall for a thorough locker search!

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I only conduct locker searches when it's necessary

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cos I want the students to feel the administration trusts them.

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Also, a student's locker is an ugly, smelly place.

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Well, I guess Ty's going to get caught without my help.

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All my notes are organised by subject.

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Alphabetically first, then by binder hue.

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Next!

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-Bubble wrap?

-It's my earthquake preparedness kit.

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-I have one myself.

-Next!

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Where's all your stuff, Porter?

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Everything I need is right here.

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All right, children, let us begin your crash course in gloom.

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-Picture a world where the smog is so thick you don't see the sun for days.

-You wouldn't need to wear sunblock.

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A world where you toil at gruelling physical labour for 16 hours a day.

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16-hour workouts, no membership fees, sign me up!

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-No bread to eat.

-Cuts down on the carbs.

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Rats gnawing at your feet.

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-Exfoliates the skin.

-The Black Plague.

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Great band.

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Getting Serge and Brittany to relate to a story about poor hungry orphans is impossible.

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It's as impossible as Principal Malone not playing an annoying song on his ukulele.

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-What's that?

-Nothing.

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Imagine a world

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where only you are alive, everyone else is dead!

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Ooh, I saw that zombie movie last summer at the drive in. Awesome!

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-I heard they're making a sequel. It's in 3D!

-How many D?

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That's it! It's hopeless.

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The failure to inspire them has depressed even me.

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Get me upstairs, quick,

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I feel horrible enough to write another book.

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If you need a character name, how about Denise?

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And thanks for trying.

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Where did that Mr Dixons guy go?

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I carry a lot of spare pens during finals week.

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If I ever need a pen I know where to come.

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You can be my pen pal! THEY LAUGH

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In point of fact, exams are to be written with number two pencil, not pen.

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-Eureka! The exam answers.

-What?

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No, no, no, no! That's not mine!

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-Of course it isn't, Carl.

-Cheaters never prosper.

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Unless they have a job as a cheater and their salary is high,

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but that is a hypothetical situation that does not apply here.

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Hey! Hey, why frame me?

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Oh, nothing personal. You're the only one careless enough to leave his locker open, knucklehead.

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He's right, I do do that.

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Everyone, back to the classroom.

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Except you, Carl.

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You come with me.

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So, Carl Montclaire.

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Why are you using my full name?

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Oh, you know, because this is serious.

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Are you aware this situation is full-name serious?

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Yes, sir, Principal John Malone.

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-Philip? Beauregard!

-Do you have any evidence you were framed?

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-Yes, sort of. I will, somehow.

-You have a good record as a student.

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I have never known you to be dishonest.

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Maybe this honesty thing is a big lie.

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-It's not, sir.

-I believe you, but not about the cheating thing. I want to you bring me evidence.

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You have until the end of the day to find your alleged framer otherwise, it's expulsion, Carl Montclaire.

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-How's the tutoring going?

-It sucks! Even Charles Dickens himself couldn't do anything.

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Wait, wait, wait. You magicked up a deceased author for back up?

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Because you've never beamed in someone from upstairs before. I've read your file, PJ.

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This isn't about me, Denise. You and I have been around for a long time, we've seen a lot of things.

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-Serge and Brittany are of a different age.

-Yeah, age five!

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They're modern teenagers.

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Best way to get them to understand the hardships is to relate it to something they know.

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That might be worth a shot. Thanks, PJ.

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And stop calling me PJ.

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Porter! Porter.

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Put me back into the computer world.

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Need the proof that Ty stole those exam answers.

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I promised Dr Cassabi I wouldn't do any more computer magic.

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-And you've never broken a promise to Dr Cassabi?

-OK, this isn't about me.

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OK, it is, but you heard Dr Cassabi, if you go back in, you can get permanently stuck.

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Well, can you think of a better way to clear my name?

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All I have to do is to get into Ty's computer and email those answers to Principal Malone.

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I'll help you, but I don't think this is a good idea.

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-That's never stopped you before.

-True.

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OK. So, all we have to do is find the nearest internet access.

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OK, let's make this quick.

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Wow, I must be at a new level on my video game! Oh, look at that!

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I didn't know my game had an email function.

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Look out, Ty, cos here comes justice.

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Guys, I've got a whole new approach on how to be an effective peer tutor.

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-Do we have to pay you?

-No.

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I'll pass. If you don't want any money, you can't be any good.

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OK, you can pay me.

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Now I'm interested.

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OK, this strategy will help you understand the world of Oliver Twist. Close your eyes.

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-I'm texting.

-Serge doesn't close his eyes.

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Except for sleep. Even then I keep them open a little bit.

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If you two don't close your eyes you'll fail English.

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Now just sit back and relax.

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I want to you imagine something.

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Serge! These towels need to be washed by hand,

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the real players need to be clean!

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Ha-ha-ha!

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Argh!

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What is the matter with my reception?

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I have no signal, low battery...

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Oh, can I use your phone?

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Does anybody have a spare battery?

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An extra phone charger?

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No cellphones in the hallways.

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Please, sir, can I text some more?

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Open your eyes.

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That was so real.

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-And how did it make you feel?

-Bad.

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Like missing the jump shot at the buzzer with your pants around your ankles.

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Yeah, my phone is, like, the most important thing in my life.

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Well, besides, like, my lungs and stuff.

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So, you feel horrible, lonely, helpless?

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Yeah. I am ready to be Oliver.

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And I'm stoked to play Mr Bumble.

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I spy with my little eye, something that is cheaty.

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Got you. Now to copy.

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Ty, you couldn't have made that any easier.

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Oh, come on, Ty, you could've made it a little easier!

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Hacker!

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-You'll never get me.

-Man, a guy could go deaf in here.

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Delete, delete, delete!

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Come on, come on, come on! I hope I make it in time.

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Loading! Come on, move faster!

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One more file to delete and I'm safe.

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Oh, my feet!

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I mean I've always hated them, but this is no way for them to go!

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-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-Get back to work! And, you, fetch me my tea!

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Oh, stop complaining, it's only a flesh wound.

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-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-Please, sir, can I have some more?

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More? Get out of my sight, you wretched cur.

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APPLAUSE

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Looks like you created a couple of stars.

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-Great job, Denise.

-Thanks, it was nothing.

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Actually, it was a huge pain.

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They were impossible to work with and I never want to spend another...

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Hi.

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We should go on tour and perform for schools all over the city.

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Principal Malone, hey!

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-There you are.

-Here I am.

-There you are, Principal Of The Year award.

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Yeah! How did you get this baby?

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Oh, what a night that was!

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The competition was fierce, but my ukulele fiercer.

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Yeah, yeah, the ukulele, great.

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Now, if you'll excuse me, it's the end of the school day and Carl has yet to clear his name.

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Hate to do it, but I'm about to call his mother.

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Oh, yeah, you got a new email right there.

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Is that what that's for?

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Oh, yeah, I always thought it meant it was time to get more envelopes.

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-My stomach!

-It says there's two attachments, but I don't see anything anywhere on my keyboard.

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-You've just got to click that little paperclip.

-That one?

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Yeah. Use the mouse.

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No, click it with the mouse.

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No, just click it! Click on it here!

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There you go.

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The answers for the biology final!

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Yeah, and it's sent from Ty's computer and the document's labelled "Ty's Cheat Sheet".

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Cheating will not be tolerated!

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He's probably waiting for the school bus now!

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Carl, are you still in there?

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Hang in there, buddy.

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-Whoa!

-Porter, my winning smile is not enough

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-to get through the rest of my life.

-I can rebuild you.

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I've got the angel technology.

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-What, you couldn't have made me a bit taller?

-Do you really want me to try?

-I'm good.

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I had to sent Carl back into the computer to clear his name.

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But I warned you he could get trapped in there.

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Ta-da!

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I was down to nothing but a mouth and Porter managed to get me out.

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You are both very lucky.

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I'll say. How is this guy an AIT and I'm still waiting for my assignment?

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I'm starting to wonder that myself.

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All I know is that I'm glad to be back.

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Carl? Ah, you are off the hook.

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Ty just confessed at being the biology exam cheater.

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He was an academic ringer sent in to bring up the grade average.

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A school board plant, outrageous!

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REDNECK ACCENT: I didn't know we done need someone to help us with our akee-demics!

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-We done learned that Ty a lesson.

-I thought we was edu-macated!

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Now let's go and get us a tater.

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And I heard your tater had tots!

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THEY LAUGH

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