Without a Paddle Wingin' It

My theory on the time continuum can be distilled as follows -

there are units of time...

..and in between those units of time are units of no time.

Time, no time. Time, no time.

Time...anybody?

-Ooh! Ooh!

-Carl?

-You take that back!

-Oh, I'll take it back - back to the bank!

What is this acoustical disturbance?

Tarrandale is going down at the Physics Games.

That'd be a first, Malone.

It's called the Physics Games, but it's just sports events

with a physics angle tacked on.

It hurts Serge to say this, but Bennett High's never won the Games.

Argh! It actually hurt me to say that.

The Bennett Bears could never take the Tarrandale Tigers.

Care to make it interesting, m'Looney Tunes?

Sure, Mooser-Looser!

If Bennett High wins the Physics Games...

..we get Tarrandale's gobsmack vending machine!

-No, their video-screen scoreboard!

-Printing press!

< Their atrium fountain!

What? It's stocked with koi!

I've got it. Mooser, if Bennett High wins the Physics Games,

I get one month with your convertible.

Deal. And if Tarrandale High wins, I get your...

ukulele.

ALL GASP

-Deal. That's the confidence I have in my students.

-Then you won't mind

if I pick your Bear Cubs for you.

You, you, you and you.

Well, that's only four. Who's your final pick?

Gah...I would like to volunteer.

It's on!

# Let's give it one more shot

# Let's give it everything we've got

# Cos if we get it right

# We will surely conquer the world

# I've got my wings from an angel

# Now we're wingin' it all the time

# I'm giving wings to an angel

# On the wings of an angel

# Now we've gotta learn to fly. #

# Sure as shootin', we love Newton

# Welcome to the 22nd annual Physics Games!

# Where we compete for the coveted Newton's Cradle! #

Which Bennett High will win this year.

Preposterous! Let's make this really interesting.

If Bennett High wins, my team will clean your entire school grounds!

-And if Tarrandale wins...

-Please don't say it.

..my team will clean your school grounds.

Yup, he said it.

After exhaustive negotiations,

Tarrandale's own Principal Mooser and I

have finally agreed on an impartial judge, so please welcome

Bennett High's own Mr Telson!

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, that's great.

He teaches here. How is he impartial?

Stow it, Montclaire!

I'm impartial because I happen to dislike everybody equally!

How did you hear that?

My anger dumps adrenaline into my system,

which heightens my senses. Now I have the hearing of a fruit bat!

And the subtlety of a baseball bat.

I heard that. Let's get this show on the road.

I gotta be in anger management class this afternoon, so, teams, approach.

OK. Hi. How are you? Good.

Like I care. OK, let the Physics Games begin!

CHEERING

-Here, Carl, I brought you this sports drink.

-Quench Extreme!

-Um, thanks!

-So, how's it going?

-How do you think it's going?

-I'm sweating, and I haven't played yet.

-You'll do fine.

That's why I volunteered you.

"Volunteering" means you do it yourself.

No, you can volunteer people.

So, Carl, you ready to bring it home for Bennett High?

Oh, you betcha, sir. As a matter of fact,

my good friend Porter

has volunteered to document all of the games.

He's offered to do commentary on everything.

Excellent idea, Mr Jackson!

You're right, you CAN volunteer someone to do something else.

-Ha! Burn!

-I don't know why you're laughing, you're holding the camera.

CARL LAUGHS

My event is hollow sphere momentum battle, also known as Ping-Pong.

-Anything else you'd like to add?

-No.

OK, thanks for that riveting interview, Carl.

This is some good TV.

OK, best two out of three wins the event.

Gentlemen, if you'll grab your momentum conductors...

You mean paddles? Don't test me, Carl, don't do that, OK?

-Step up to your hemispheres, gentlemen.

-He means "side".

WHISTLE BLOWS

Just give me a chance, all right?

-How about a little warm-up?

-Oh, poor Carl! He's trying so hard! It's sad.

Cute, but sad.

I thought a Tarrandale victory would be a piece of cake,

but this is an entire bakery!

You want that to sound threatening? It just sounds fattening.

WHISTLE BLOWS

All right! First of three games goes to Tarrandale!

We'll now take a short break while I call my rage sponsor!

That was brutal! I wonder what kind of gloves I should wear

when I'm picking up trash off the Tarrandale school grounds.

You just need focus and determination

and you can pull off a surprise upset.

No-one would be more surprised than me, but I'll give it my best.

-All right.

-Why don't you magic him up some help?

-He's your friend as well as your assignment.

-I'm not stepping in.

He's got to do this on his own, even if he gets his but kicked.

PRINCIPAL MALONE MUMBLES

Well, at least he looks good doing it.

Do you have a thing for Carl?

A thing? As if! Please!

What are you talking about?

Yes, I do like Carl, he's cute and sweet

and who can resist those dimples?

The problem is, I talked to Dr Cassabi last week

about whether AITs are even ALLOWED to date humans.

Dr C, you got a sec?

Make it fast, Denise, there's a lemon Danish in there calling my name.

What if an angel dated a human? Would they be in big trouble?

Oh, big is too small a word for that kind of trouble.

-You'd need a word much bigger than big.

-So it never happens?

-Ha!

It never works out.

I'm going to go ask Carl if he'll do a post-game interview

about crushing defeat, give us some stuff for the blooper reel.

Carl, Porter wanted to give you a little help

for the rest of the game.

Use this magic paddle and you'll be awesome.

-Oh, don't take it by the handle.

-Porter's cool with this?

-Totally!

-He was faking you out with that crummy pep talk.

-What does it do?

-Whenever you hold the handle, time slows down.

-Just the handle.

-Yep.

Everything slows down so much,

you'll be able to read the "Made In Taiwan" stamp on the ball.

This is great! Go get 'em, champ!

Now, let's battle this hollow sphere and get it over with.

SLOWED DOWN: All right, Tigers, come on!

SLOWED-DOWN CHEERING

Nicely done, Porter. With this magic paddle, I can't lose.

HE SIGHS

Time is relative.

Let's say you could experience it at a different rate to your normal time.

To you, everything else would move at a different speed.

It could move slowly...or quickly! Cos it's relative.

Wow! Carl's moving so fast it's hard to keep track of him!

You set me up, Malone!

Why do I feel this is some kind of a physics hustle?

Hey, I just wanted this to be a fun event.

You wanted to make it interesting.

SLOWED-DOWN CHEERING

Ow!

All right, and Bennett wins!

They take an early lead in the Physics Games!

-Carl, you were awesome!

-Thanks - thanks to Porter, anyways.

-Yeah, you're welcome...to Porter.

-Carl!

Look what your dumb Ping-Pong ball did to my fingernail!

I am not going to be able to compete in the texting match like this!

I'm going to be TTLY LOLs to my lead BFFs!

I'm going to be the laughing stock of the texting community!

Oh, you are so going to be hearing from my manicurist!

In parabola catch, the object of the game

is to flick the ball in a perfect parabolic arc

and land in the cup on one's head.

Usually I'm on the ball, but now the ball's on me.

That's some good physics humour!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Tarrandale wins the parabola catch event,

tying the Physics Games one to one!

Next event will be the angle shot.

Don't you mean "basketball"?

I mean THE ANGLE SHOT!

What is this event? Fill us in.

It's where you have to make baskets from farther and farther away

and from more and more complicated angles.

-You miss a shot, you lose.

-And as we all know, Serge doesn't miss.

Sorry, what was that? I missed it.

WHISTLE BLOWS

GASPS

WHISTLE BLOWS

GASPS

-Woo-hoo! Yeah!

-So many angles!

-Serge!

You just won by sinking your basket from way more angles!

What's that like?

Normal! Totally, totally normal.

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-No, no, no, no.

-Serge had a human assist.

-What human assist?

My HEAD! Which disqualifies you. The win goes to Tarrandale.

Tarrandale leads Bennett High two events to one.

Next event - stack strike!

WHISTLE MAKES NO SOUND

Oh, you made me break my whistle, loser!

Stack strike, where we test gravitational theory and stability

by stacking as many random, oddly-shaped items as possible.

If that's what they're telling you!

Time!

Oh, and the winner is...

Alex Horatio P Rodriguez!

Bennett High ties the Physics Games two to two!

The final event, velocity text, will determine our winner.

BLOWS HOOTER

Can someone get me a proper whistle, one that will express my FURY?

I'm a master at texting.

I learned to talk three weeks after I learned to text.

-My first word was LOL.

-Thanks, Brittany. We will BRB.

Let's leave the text talk to the pros, Porter.

It just got a whole lot colder in here.

Brittany, you have to compete. It's just a broken nail.

But it's my thumbnail! It takes forever to text with one thumb!

And it's going to take even longer than that to clean up

the Tarrandale school grounds!

You know what, take this.

I am not going to hollow sphere momentum battle with you, Carl!

It's called Ping-Pong! It's my good-luck charm,

and since breaking your nail was kind of my fault...

Kind of? Totally of!

Anyway, I figure you could use all the luck you get.

-Whenever you need luck, just hold the paddle by the handle.

-Whatevs.

What's Brittany doing with the magic paddle?

I figured she could use it.

It stops time for whoever holds its handle, right?

But I magicked it for you, not to give to some other girl!

Wait, you made the paddle? I thought Porter made it.

I only told you Porter made it because I wanted to help you!

I didn't think you'd take it if you knew it was from me.

-That's...weirdly sweet.

-Don't forget "oddly cute".

-You're funny, Denise.

Wait, funny "ha-ha" or funny "I like you"?

BLOWS SLIDE WHISTLE

How is this an improvement?!

Somebody get me a normal whistle or I'll stop being so nice!

OK, the object of Velocity Text

is to text as many famous physicists' names

as you can without error.

On my signal, ready...set...

text!

CHANTING

Ooh, look at me go! I am text-tastic!

Even with one hand I'm better than that poser! Oh, that's right, sister!

You stop in your tracks and take it in, take it ALL in!

-Man, look at her go!

-I know, there's no way she'll lose!

Wow, why's Brittany typing at hyper-speed

and why's she holding a Ping-Pong paddle?

-Oh, you know Brittany.

-Yeah, and I know you, so I'm calling your bluff.

OK, I magicked Carl up a Ping-Pong paddle that slows down time

so, you know, he could concentrate during the game.

-And you gave it to Brittany? That's cheating, Carl!

-No, no!

It's not cheating, it's...it's... All right, maybe it's cheating.

Plus, do you think Denise's magic doesn't come without a hitch?

-Or two or three?

-I find it hilarious that you don't think I can hear you.

All right, I'll go get the Ping-Pong paddle.

-But it was a very nice thing to do, Denise.

-Thank you, Carl.

BING!

BING!

BING!

BING!

-What the...?

-Sorry, I need my lucky paddle back.

Wait, it turns out your lucky paddle IS lucky.

-You saw how fast I texted the name of those psychics.

-Physicists.

-Bless you.

-Brittany, give me the paddle back.

-Just get away from me!

OK, maybe I can just screw it back together...

Whoa, talk about a time-out.

Looks like I'm stuck in a different time than everyone else.

Well, that cannot be good!

If matter stays too long in the wrong time,

it will eventually cease to exist.

If I don't get back to the right time,

then I'll be out of time...forever.

Thanks, you two! This is what I get for having magical friends.

LOUD, SLOW TICKING

Man, time's still moving. It's just going really, really slow.

Time can be interpreted at different rates and speeds.

Time for a turtle can seem much slower than time for a hummingbird.

So, if time's still moving, that means...

Carl, you're the hummingbird and everyone else is moving like turtles.

I'm the hummingbird and everyone else is moving like turtles!

Whoa! OK, just keep it together.

How does super-fast Carl get a message to super-slow Denise

and Porter?

I could just text them a message.

Sorry, Brit, I want you to win,

but my life's a little bit more important.

"Angels, broke the paddle, stuck in accelerated time, save me.

"Frowny face." Send.

Any minute now.

You know, when you actually take the time to do the math homework,

it makes sense.

I think I'll go for a walk.

HE WHISTLES

Finally!

-Frowny face! We need to get to Carl's speed.

-Yeah.

Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up! Oh! Finally!

-I've been here for hours!

-Whoa, I feel like I'm in a wax museum.

-I was thinking department store.

-Wax museum's way cooler.

-Never been.

You should go.

Well, maybe if I don't vanish forever, I'll take you up on it.

Yeah, quite right. I can't undo another AIT's magic.

We have to wait for Denise to get up to speed and even then,

I'm not sure she has the right skill.

-By the way, I think she likes you.

-No way, you're lying. Really?

-She gave you a magic paddle in your time of need.

-Yeah, she did.

-But you don't like her, do you?

-You know what? I kind of do.

-No way!

-Look at her standing there all cute and blushing.

-What? Blushing?

Hey, guys! I didn't see you there!

-Did you hear everything that we just said?

-Yes!

No.

Yes.

I was just pretending to be frozen for the last ten seconds or so.

You deceitful little badger!

Remember what I said about the bickering?

Fix me and then we can talk about liking each other.

Great idea! I'll take care of Carl.

All right. See you guys on the other side.

-So, how about a date?

-Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes!

Oh! It's great to be back in regular time. Oh, yeah, the velocity text.

Stop texting!

All right, due to a rogue sentence

that is not part of the required texting field,

points will be deducted from the Bennett Bears'

velocity text score.

-PRINCIPAL MOOSER:

-Yes!

I'll expect your team this weekend

to clean up the Tarrandale grounds

and hand over that ridiculous baby guitar, m'loser!

But with the number of characters that Brittany has texted,

she has set a new world's record for speed texting.

According to our rules, that gives her enough bonus points

that the Physics Games trophy goes to Bennett High!

CHEERING AND BOOING

You may have won the battle but you haven't won the war, m'homie.

See you later, alligator.

TYRES SCREECH

-CRASH!

-That's my car!

That tyre needs air.

I guess I'm more of a public transit kind of guy.

-ALL: Oh, Principal Malone!

-The movies?

-You got it!

I hope you guys know what you're doing.

Angel-human dating - it's against the rules.

Carl? Carl? Denise?

Am I stuck in accelerated time? Guys! Guys!

-That's not cool, dude!

-That was kind of funny!

-For a second.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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