Montclaire on the Air Wingin' It

I'm doing a review for that new movie Undercover Vampire.

I love when she was all, "Freeze, bloodsucker! "I'll crack this case!

"Right after I sharpen my fangs!" So good! So funny!

It was the best movie about an undercover vampire I've ever seen.

Oh, please. That movie was awful...

So, we all agree! It was awesome!

-Did you see that?

-What?

-I feel like nobody's listening to me these days.

-Oh, oh! Uh, hypothalamus!

-Sorry, Carl, the answer is hypothalamus,

from the Greek 'hypo' and the Greek, 'thalamus'.

Now, moving onto the pituitary gland!

CRASH!

You know, I've got things to say. I've got opinions, ideas, anecdotes.

If you want to be heard - take over the school's radio show!

That's not a half bad idea. Could you magic me up some DJ chops?

So I can freestyle and rhymestyle, juice the students. What do you say?

Carl, you don't need my help. You've already got the gift for radio gab.

Listen to the mellifluous sounds of your man Montclaire.

# Let's give it one more shot

# Let's give it everything we've got

# Cos if we get it right

# We will surely conquer the world

# Hey! I've got my wings

# From an angel

# Now we're wingin' it all the time

# I'm giving wings to an angel

# Always an angel

# Now we've got to learn to fly. #

-Hey, Denise, Dr Cassabi.

-Hey, Carl. How are you doing?

-Good.

-What about me?

-Don't really care, do I?

Well, I'm off to ask Principal Malone about hosting the radio show.

Listen up, girl bands are now in.

I'm a girl and I like bands. So, let's make it happen!

Oh, Dr C, I love to sing and I am dying to get my own AIT assignment.

# Helping Brittany will be good practice. #

Hey, you can sharpen your skills, and maybe you will be bril...liant!

-Stop me before I rhyme again.

-What do you mean? That barely rhymed.

It'll be hard having a successful band with Brittany's voice.

Brittany can be quite the handful. Denise will need lots of help.

Yeah, I see where this is going...

Porter, I'd like you to help Denise out with this one.

# Welcome to the radio booth

# BHRS is part of your youth!

# Make sure you don't act like a goof!

# Uh-oh, I just chipped my tooth. #

Good one.

No, I actually chipped my tooth.

I got overexcited watching a movie last night, eating popcorn.

Carl, you are the best person to host the radio show.

-Nobody else volunteered, did they?

-No. But that makes you the best!

-You're right down the middle of the road.

-Great, I'm a yellow line.

Hey, there are a lot of lines. Solid lines, double lines. Dotted lines.

-Sometimes a solid line with a dotted line.

-So! How do I broadcast?

-It's one of the most expensive, state of the art systems ever built.

-Great!

In 1987. So you just flick that switch there and you're on the air.

I'll leave it to you, Carl.

Porter just told me you're hosting the school radio show

Can I be your sidekick? Please? It's my destiny.

Well, if it's your destiny... How is it your destiny exactly?

-My mom always told me I had a face for radio.

-Fair enough.

Oh, uh, no, thanks. We already have a blonde.

-What's your strategy for your audition?

-I'll wow her.

-Don't sound better than Brittany.

-Road kill sounds better than her!

OK, Denise, you're up.

IN TUNE # You are my sunshine My only sunshine

# You make me happy when skies are grey

OFF-KEY SINGING

# You'll never know, dear How much I love you

# Please don't take my sunshine away. #

OK, you're in!

You know, Brittany, what this band needs is a manager.

How about Porter?

-Excellent idea! Porter, you're in!

-Thanks.

Just keep it moving.

-OK, Jane, you're in!

-But I haven't guitared yet.

To create a girl band, all the girls have to have different hair colours.

You're the only redhead, so you're in. I can already taste our Grammy.

Good morning, Bennett High!

This is Carl Montclaire and my maniac sound man, Alex Rodriguez!

Comin' at ya from the BHRS booth! Didn't know we had a radio station?

Well, neither did we until today!

Let's kick things off by telling you the cafeteria specials,

followed by a list of restaurants nearby so you can get a good meal!

Carl, I heard your BHRS broadcast, you were hilarious.

Thanks, Jane. It's been pretty cool.

Carl is being modest. He's the voice of a generation. Generation Carl.

-It's Montclaire on the air!

-The name wasn't my idea.

# This is Montclaire on the air! #

Whatever. I paid attention during announcements for the first time.

I learned our school has a library. Next broadcast, tell me where it is.

-I can show you.

-No. I want to hear it from Montclaire on the air.

The drama club's planning a musical about healthy eating.

Yep, thrilling live performance - kids singing about broccoli!

Making fun of school stuff? Gutsy.

The most popular shock jocks are the ones that push the boundaries.

As a matter of fact, I think it's time we took it up a notch.

We're back and ready to attack!

PHONE RINGS Hello?

Hi, is this Mr Principal Malone?

Yes, it is. How can I help you?

This is radio station WTH and your name was picked in a random draw.

I'm calling to let you know that you've won a new car!

Ahhhhhhhhh!

Wooohoooo!

I won a new car!

A shiny, new car! I will drive this thing into the ground!

That's right, Principal Malone! You've won a brand-new car!

You can come pick it up...never!

This is Montclaire on the air, your favourite radio DJ!

You just heard me prank the Principal. Montclaire out.

How was my horn work today, Carl? I felt like I was in the zone.

Some of the best horn work I've ever seen.

-What is the meaning of this?

-It was just a joke.

-I laughed really hard.

-You shouldn't pull pranks

on unsuspecting people who've wanted their own car for a very long time.

I'm pulling the plug on the show. Alex, how do I do that?

-Principal Malone, no!

-Carl Montclaire, you're off the air.

I heard about your radio show getting canned.

-Don't worry, Montclaire on the air is staging a comeback.

-How?

I'm going underground. The people will not be denied.

I was hoping that you could help?

I don't know, Carl. It really isn't in my job description.

People are listening to me! I'm a hero, their whisper in the wind.

As long as you don't break any wind.

This magic microphone has a direct line into the school's PA system.

Montclaire on the air!

I knew you'd come through for me.

But I need a favour in return.

I promised Brittany, Jane and Denise their band could sing on your show.

As manager of the band, you have to get us on Montclaire on the Air.

I do not care how you do it.

-I want my 15 months of fame.

-15 minutes.

However fast you can make it happen.

-Are they any good?

-Do you want the microphone or not?

-Fine!

-But I'm broadcasting from a secret location. You can't tell anyone.

-OK.

-Check, check, check!

-HE BEATBOXES

Good morning, Bennett High! Yeah, I am back on the air with Montclaire,

broadcasting from a super-secret lair

so that, between your classes, I can keep bringing truth to the masses.

Coach Heinrich could use the cafeteria's cookies as hockey pucks!

But it didn't stop Principal Malone from scoffing down six of them!

Principal Malone, I've got one left, but you've got to find me first.

That's right, come and find me!

No running in the hall! Dag nabbit!

It's 10:15, which means it's time for our daily forecast.

-Where's Carl?

-I don't know.

He said it was too dangerous for me to join his mission.

I'm just reliving the good old days.

I took Montclaire off the air once and I'll do it again!

PLAYS FANFARE You can say that again.

PLAYS FANFARE AGAIN

It's a figure of speech.

Here's a preview of the hottest new girl band at Bennett High!

Brittany and the not-Brittanys!

# Our heart is like a red Red rose that's going to hit you

OFF KEY: # Right between the nose

# When we get up on the floor

OFF KEY: # And dance I'm going to put you in a major trance

# You'll need a crowbar to escape my world

# When you leave you're going to wish you heard... #

They keep singing like this, I'm going to lose listeners.

And my lunch.

HARMONISED: # I want to look down below from above, I want to hypnotise your love

# I want to look down below from above I want to hypnotise

# Hypnotise your love. #

Thanks for crushing my dreams like some sort of...

dream-crushing machine!

Usually when a human cries, you're not helping.

I was trying to make sure Brittany's girl band sounded good.

Well, Brittany's girl band also needs Brittany.

That's why it's called Brittany's girl band.

Where is Carl broadcasting from?

I don't know, but what I do know is the radio was invented by Marconi.

That is a person, not a pasta.

But, if it was a pasta, I'd eat it.

Carl is broadcasting from his heart.

How can you pin that down to a single location?

Who cares where Carl is? There are real problems in the world

Like how my girl band freaked out with jealousy

and tried to sing over me! Why don't they get it?

The blonde is ALWAYS the star!

Why is the blonde always the star?

You try to lend people a hand and they don't even appreciate it.

-Where's Carl?

-That's a good question, Principal Malone,

but I think the more important question is - how is all this affecting you?

It's very, very stressful.

Tell me where he is. TELL ME!

Where's Brittany? We've been waiting here for 15 minutes.

I called this meeting to tell you that I'm dropping you from my band.

You're dropping us?

I think somebody dropped you on your head!

My perfect head has never been dropped.

Then maybe it was peroxide damage.

You did not talk smack about the blonde.

-What if I did?

-Oh, no, you didn't!

Oh, yes, she did!

-You better not have did!

-Oh, I so did, did!

Then bring it on, Casey!

Back off, Hanson!

You better check yourself, Simmons!

FURIOUS CLICKING

Hey! Everybody, calm down! OK? Can we try and resolve this

without using so many cheerleading movie cliches?

GIRLS: Ugh!

I guess not.

Principal Malone is trying to shut me down,

but I say fight the power, stick it to the man,

and more importantly, tease him about his bus pass!

CARL LAUGHS I will find you, Carl Montclaire.

I WILL FIND YOU!

I'll never find him.

'I, you, we, will not bend to the will of a bureaucrat.'

-'We cannot be silenced!'

-< CRASH

Wait a second...

After 23 years of being at this school,

I know every creak and groan and clang of this building!

'Principal Malone!'

A-ha...

I know where you are, Carl Montclaire.

Let me tell you something else about Principal Malone.

DOOR OPENS

A-ha!

He just walked in the door.

Time for a word from our sponsors.

I found you, Carl.

Oh, man, shut down again.

I can see why you'd think that, the truth is, I want you on air.

-What?!

-I love your show.

-Really?

-What about when I said that you were desperate for a ukulele audience?

-Loved it!

-And the thing about you always watching movies by yourself?

-Hilarious!

-And the one about every student in the school getting a car before you?

-OK, that one hurt.

But, the students love you and your slams.

-They're perfect.

-So what? You want me to just keep insulting you on the air?

Yes, but while you have the students' attention doing that,

I'd like you to work in some instructions.

Start by telling the students to walk on the right-hand side of the hallway.

-Wait, what?!

-Do you want to stay on the air?

-I'll get to the radio booth.

-No, no...

The students listen to you because you're against me.

You go back to radio booth, you'll lose your rebel cred.

You have to keep doing your secret broadcasts from the boiler room.

It's the perfect set up, Carl.

# Uh oh

# I set out on my mission to see

# How it flows

# Do-do-do-do-do-do!

# How it flows. #

How'd we do?

Wow. We have 15 cents, a piece of gum and a button.

And the gum's been chewed already.

-I'm going to go get some water.

-How are things going now, Denise?

Horribly. Jane and I sound great, but no-one cares.

Convince Brittany to rejoin the band.

Sure. Right after I convince her to take singing and etiquette lessons.

You're an AIT and your job is to help humans,

not grab the spotlight for yourself.

But Brittany sounds horrible.

Yet people still love her.

-How does that work?

-She's got something special

and you've got to help her with that.

I've got some gum in my hat.

And a nickel just went right down my back.

Why is everyone acting so weird?

Cos I told them to.

Huh! Cool.

What are you doing?

Sticking it to the man by keeping my locker clean.

You don't have to do everything that I say on the radio show.

Oh, Serge disagrees.

Montclaire on the Air speaks the truth.

And the truth can't be ignored.

I say down with the man!

Well, you wanted people to listen, Carl. They're listening.

No, they're brainwashed. Principal Malone's only letting me do my show as long as I spread his propaganda.

Be careful that you don't get manipulated into doing things.

How's that girl band that Dr Cassabi manipulated you into managing?

-Point taken.

-Yeah.

Stop doing that, students!

I don't want all this neatness and order and scholastic ability!

I want you to be messy and running

and talking on your cell phones in the halls! Oh, please, stop!

I'm really sorry for over-shadowing you on the radio show.

You are not sweet-talking me back into the band.

From now on, Brittany is only putting out solo albums.

-We need you. You make me want to be a better girl band.

-You may continue.

-You've got something special, Brittany.

-I know, I really do.

-You just need a little help.

-With what?

-You need help making people like us look good.

-That's a tall order.

So let us help you help us by us being better

-so it's easier for you to make us look good.

-I can do that.

-Hey, Denise, ready to busk the lunch crowd?

-Yep, but only as a trio.

-What's a girl band without a beautiful blonde?

-That'd be awful!

I'll do it. Reunion show.

# Get up to start the day

# I'm movin' on, I'm movin' on

# I'm kickin' out the old cliches...

# I'm movin' on, I'm movin' on... #

-OFF KEY:

-# Can I find a brand-new way?... #

-IN TUNE:

-# Ahhhhhhhhhh

# Toda-a-ay

# I can make it half the way Keepin' on, keepin' on

# I just find repeat and replay Keepin' on, keepin' on

# I think I found a brand-new way

# Ahhhhhhhhh

# Today. #

APPLAUSE

# It's Montclaire on the Air! #

Great! Carl, you've done a great job

of getting everyone to walk on the right-hand side of the hallway,

but could you get them to walk in alphabetical order?

Got some new stuff.

"Principal Malone should wear a neck brace

"to support the weight of his huge brain." Good one.

Oh, I'll get out of your hair. I don't want to interfere.

Students of Bennett High, Montclaire on the Air has been corrupted

and co-opted by the system! Listen.

"Carl, you've done a great job

"of getting everyone to walk on the right-hand side of the hallway,

"but could you get them to walk in alphabetical order?"

Principal Malone's been controlling everything I say on my show.

There's only one thing I can do.

This is my final broadcast.

Montclaire on the Air is now forever off the air.

Stop walking like that! Can't you guys see?

You are playing right into Principal Malone's hands!

My radio show's history. I won't be needing this any more.

No worries. It was fun while it lasted, right?

You planned for this to happen!

You thought you could control the students through me forever.

Well, I bet you didn't plan for this to happen.

"I have a new car! A shiny, shiny, shiny new car!

"Shiny, shiny, shiny..." Alex, how do I turn this off?!

"I have a new car! A shiny, shiny, shiny..."

-Now no-one's listening to you again.

-You know what? That's fine by me.