Taking Care of Quiz-ness Wingin' It

It's Quizzomatics time! Make it your business to sign up for quizness!

I said quizness, because I teach business.

Very clever, Mr Nakamura.

Count me in. I love trivia.

Did you know you can lead a cow upstairs, but not back downstairs?

Because their knees don't bend that way.

-Jane, would you like to sign up for...

-You had me at "sign up"!

Serge! We need a sports expert if we're going to win!

I'm not only a sports expert, I'm also a winning expert.

Why don't you sign up, Carl?

Quizzomatics is your favourite game show.

True, but I can't answer questions under pressure.

Do you want your pizza traditional, or deep dish?

Um, I... Do you...

I... I just...

I'm not.. Aw, man!

You know, I think it's time you faced your fear.

No, no fear-facing, OK? Not on national TV.

Uh, did I hear the letters T and V, together?

The finals are broadcast on television.

On television? I am SO in!

Beggars can't be choosers.

Porter, did you hear?

I am going to be on TV! I have to get my nails done.

-Well, they look great to me.

-Uh, real-life great, but not TV great.

-For the team to be eligible, we need an alternate! Anyone?

Come on, Carl. I can't stand you being this way.

-Anyone?!

-It's time to deal.

Carl! Good to have you on board!

What am I supposed to do with this?

Ugh!

# Let's give it one more shot

# Let's give it everything we've got

# Cos if we get it right

# We will surely conquer the world

# Hey!

# I got my wings from an angel

# Now we're wingin' it all the time

-# I'm giving wings to an angel

-Wings of an angel

# Now we gotta learn to fly! #

Thank you all for signing up, I appreciate your enthusiasm.

Maybe this year we can break the Bennett High losing streak.

Bennett High hasn't won since 1967.

I looked it up online.

Well, hey, maybe it will be a question.

-First, we nominate a captain. Jane!

-I'd love to...

-but Principal Malone won't let me captain more than 25 clubs.

-Serge!

Serge does not captain losing teams.

-Brittany!

-I totally would...

but I don't want to.

-Alex?

-I can't captain!

I've never been on a boat!

Plus, I get seasick!

Looks like they're having trouble finding a team captain.

Once again, Carl's going to need a little push.

I'd like to nominate myself.

(Porter.)

At first I wasn't too pleased with Porter forcing my hand up twice.

But I explained that if he coaches the team to victory, they win.

And I don't have to play.

I'm just the alternate, which is win-win.

I hope you don't lose-lose. Bye-bye.

Ha-ha(!)

OK, so Mr Nakamura wants me to act as quizmaster,

so we can get the hang of playing in a game.

I ask questions and you buzz. What is the name for the compound NaCl?

Bzzzz! Sodium chloride, or salt.

Correct. But can somebody show him how to use the buzzer?

-Got it!

-All right. Well, let's try this.

-Alex, are you sure you understand?

-He does not.

She is correct!

What is...

-Alex, you have to wait until I finish the question.

-Got it.

Alex.

Sorry, that one got away from me.

What is negative 273 degrees Celsius also known as?

Alex?

-Alex!

-You said to wait until after the question was asked...

-but I wasn't sure how long.

-Answer the question now.

Absolute zero. Sometimes called zero degrees Kelvin.

Correct! Ten points.

-I haven't asked a question yet!

-I have a question.

The answer is, "Brittany has a question!"

-Can I sing the Quizzomatics theme song?

-No! It's an instrumental!

-Next question!

-I would like to buy a vowel.

And I'd like to buy a bus ticket out of here!

Welcome, big brains!

Sign up your team there

and then help yourself to some delicious pizza.

This is amazing!

I have to text everybody I know right now!

Boy, I hope we get better, fast.

Don't worry, we will. We've just got to keep positive.

-As team captain, I insist.

-Always do what your captain tells you.

Now Alex has a hang of the buzzer, we have half a chance.

I agree with Carl. Have some brain food. I got pepperoni and chicken.

I wonder if the chicken is Chantecler?

Nobody ask him, nobody move.

What's Chantecler?

The Chantecler chicken is Canada's only breed of chicken.

It's a dual-purpose bird.

That means that it is raised for its eggs and to eat. Another thing...

Enough with the Chantecler chickens!

-This is definitely not Chantecler.

-That's pepperoni.

Well, well... Bennett High is having their annual pre-takedown meal.

Careful eating that pizza, Bennett High has a reputation for choking.

THEY ALL COUGH

Are you guys, OK?

-I know the Heimlich.

-Alex, I think they were pretending to choke.

Good, because I was pretending to know the Heimlich.

Enjoy your meal...

losers.

-Thanks!

-Oh... burn.

They got you guys good.

They were talking about you too.

Of course.

Everybody talks about Brittany.

Terrendale High is the most feared team in the quizarding world!

What is the tallest mountain in Scotland?

-BUZZER Ben Nevis!

-Correct!

How much water can a moose drink?

-37 gallons!

-Correct! What is the...

Cotton candy and red paint!

Correct!

-Those guys are really good.

-Come on, we can totally beat these guys.

I don't know. Terrendale has won Quizzomatics for the last 17 years.

They keep their training methods top secret.

-You can't be giving up, Mr Nakamura?

-Just keeping it real, Carl.

-'Terrendale wins!'

-Practice at four, tomorrow.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

No. Thinking is for losers.

I'm thinking we should do some recon at Terrendale High.

-I want to get a good look at those training methods.

-Aye-aye, Captain.

-What are you doing?

-Sorry, Captain. I was taking point.

We are deep in enemy territory.

Here's your camera.

I'll pass.

All right, but your wrists and your forehead are totally in view.

-What are you doing? Shadow puppets?

-Hand signals.

When I go like this, you roll. When I go like this, you duck.

When I go like this, it means I need a bathroom break.

-BLENDER WHIRRS

-Whoa...

No wonder they're so good. This is like the ultimate study book.

-Carl, what are you doing here?

-What any captain would do.

That's why you didn't walk to school with me this morning.

-You weren't planning to go to school.

-YOU forced me to join the quiz team.

When I take some initiative, you're on me like hairspray on Brittany.

-You're skipping school and trespassing!

-You do it all the time!

-Somebody doing this with no experience can get burned.

-Relax.

It's a high school. What could happen?

-ALARM WAILS

-Aaah!

-What does that mean?

-Retreat!

-We've got to get out of here, Porter.

-So much for "relax."

-Now I'm panicking.

-I can't beam three people at once.

-I don't have full angel power yet.

-Just beam Serge away first, come on.

Argh, argh!

-Let's go.

-I guess now we're going to see what can happen, Carl.

Skipping school, alleged littering, trespassing,

-spying and who knows what else?!

-We were trying to get information...

-Let me interrupt. Do you know why I'm interrupting?

-Because...

-I'm going to stop you there, Porter.

-But...

-Hey!

-But...

-Hey! Hey.

Are you ready to listen?

Then I'll put this away.

The bottom line here is we need to have some consequences!

Therefore, Carl, I'm kicking you off the team.

If you kick Carl off the team, they'll forfeit.

Don't punish the team because of his bad judgment.

It's a good point.

Listen, no-one wants to stick it to Terrendale more than me

and their arrogant Principal and her new car...

But rules have been broken. A comeuppance needs to be come-upped.

Or up-comed. You know what I mean.

Well, you could strip him of his captaincy. Right?

That's pretty bad.

Oh! No, please! Not the captaincy! Anything but that!

Yes - that. Carl, you are no longer captain of the team.

You are too cruel, sir.

I just might be.

-Porter, let's deal with you.

-Sorry for interrupting!

Oh, quite all right, Dr Cassabi.

If you don't mind, Principal Malone,

-I'd like to handle Porter's punishment.

-Very well. All you...

TANNOY: 'Principal Malone,

-'your sandwich has been located.'

-Oh! Got to go!

That's been missing for two weeks.

I was about to talk myself out of being punished by Principal Malone.

Well, unfortunately, you answer to someone much bigger.

-Actually, I thought you'd lost a few pounds.

-Ah!

Thank you... I'm not talking about me - upstairs!

-Porter didn't have anything to do with my plan.

-I went to stop them.

But you used your magic on Serge.

That's grounds for dismissal from the AIT program.

-I asked him to.

-To keep him out of the line of fire, I beamed him away.

And where did you beam him?

I didn't have time to pinpoint an exact location...

You don't know where Serge is?

Aaah!

Aaaaaaah!

There's a very severe penalty for beaming a minor out of the country!

Aaaaah!

'Sup?

-See, Serge is fine.

-Yeah, everything's OK.

Not upstairs! You've been summoned to Angel Court.

-Your hearing's tomorrow!

-Everything's fine.

I'll take care of it. And you are really looking thinner.

Oh, well...

All right.

THE TEAM FIRES ANSWERS

Correct!

Quizzomatics!

-The upe!

-Correct!

-Montevideo.

-Correct!

-The Ace Of Base?

-Correct!

-Haile Selassie.

-Excellent! Correct!

Floccinaucinihilipilification.

Right, Jane! Correct!

-Quadraphonics!

-Correct!

THEY LAUGH

-You guys did great, that's seven wins in a row!

-We made the finals!

That's what happens when you bench-press your brain!

We'll be on TV!

Alex, you answered 70% of our questions and got them 100% right.

It was easy, Carl, once I realised that the buzzer is my friend.

You turned a corner when you named it Calypso.

And Terrendale wins again!

Our championship game is set.

Underdog, Bennett High, takes on reigning champs Terrendale High.

-APPLAUSE

-We got this.

ALL: Go Bennett!

Oh, nice outfit. It's like staring into the sun.

Oh, hey, where's the cricket match?

-Have you got a yacht club meeting later, is that it?

-No.

You know, these are my clothes for upstairs.

-You're in a good mood today.

-The team's on fire, Alex is kicking butt

and though I'm happily not playing, I've helped us get to the finals.

-I'm off to Angel Court.

-You're not in trouble, are you?

No, everything's fine.

Good luck! Hey, if you need me as a character witness, feel free.

Yeah, right. Then I WOULD actually be in trouble.

Next up! Angel Court versus Porter Jackson!

The charge -

unauthorised angel-in-training magic!

GASPING

CLEARS HIS THROAT

This court is now in session!

Porter Jackson...

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you...

What do you think?

Son, do you understand the severity of the charge you're facing?

If found guilty, you'll be suspended from the AIT programme for...

hmm...5,000 years!

HE CRIES

Order.

-Are you fake-crying?

-Yeah. Sorry.

BOOING

And that's not fake booing.

-Hydroplaning?

-Correct!

At the halfway mark, the score is 280 to 190

in favour of Bennett High.

We'll be right back after this commercial break.

-So far so good.

-You're doing great. Feel good?

Why do they look so confident? We've got this in the bag.

-Maybe they're just putting on a brave face.

-I hope so.

Focus on the questions and remember our secret weapon - Alex.

-Hey, Alex.

-Hey.

Hey, friendly foe. What are you eating?

Our special brain food. Want some?

Does an organic Chantecler chicken eat organic vegetable mash?

You betcha!

Geez, these guys aren't so bad after all. Uh-oh.

It seems like he's having an allergic reaction.

-I can still go on.

-He doesn't look that bad.

-No! I'm pulling him from the game.

-But he's our best player!

I don't want to lose on national TV!

-'We're rolling in five, people!'

-I'm taking Alex to the First Aid.

Oh, no! We'll be disqualified if we don't have enough players!

Serge has never been disqualified!

That's why you have an alternate.

Carl, can you do this?

Well... I...

I... just... But...

-Bzzz! He cannot!

-Come on, think about your pep talks!

Got to stay positive!

Aah!

We're doomed.

Yes, I transported Serge,

but at least he got to see France!

-And I only broke the rules this one time.

-Really? Oh...

Exhibit A!

OK, two times.

This is Example One in a series of over 700 excessive uses of magic.

I might be in more trouble than I thought.

You think? Porter, it's time to take this case seriously.

-Can I have a minute?

-Yes, you may.

Uh...

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Porter! I could really use some courage magic right about now.

Oh, come on, give me something.

There you are. I need your help, man.

I don't know if I can go out there. It's too much pressure.

-You've got to do me a favour.

-No! You're the one that does me favours!

-I need you as a character witness.

-I was kidding when I said that!

Ha-ha(!) Magic me up something!

I can't until my trial's over. They're watching me.

They're watching us?!

So you've go to go out there and do a great job and make me look good.

Otherwise, this'll be the last time I'll see you.

-What part of folding under pressure don't you get?

-Sorry, I need this.

You can do it! Good luck.

What is one third of 51?

Bennett High.

It's er, it's er, it's um...

It's the um...

Incorrect.

-Terrendale High.

-17.

-Correct.

Terrendale is climbing its way back.

T... T...

Incorrect.

-Babe Ruth.

-Correct.

Carl, you're taking up all my screen time with your "Uh, uh..."

Sorry. I've got to look good for Porter.

And in summation,

it is obvious that Porter Jackson needs to be reassigned,

or removed entirely from the AIT program.

I thank you.

It's your turn, Porter. Make it good.

Did I use magic on Serge?

On several hundred other occasions?

Yes! But I did it all for Carl.

I've helped him overcome some of his biggest fears!

Not his fear of flip-flops, I mean, no-one can help him overcome that.

And I ask the court here today,

to look and see how well Carl Montclaire is doing.

All right, I shall allow it.

Bennett has squandered their commanding lead

ever since alternate, Carl Montclaire,

-was brought into the game.

-Are you trying to lose?

He's going to do OK.

Time now for Sudden Death.

Each player will be given an assigned question.

You will have 15 seconds to answer.

Serge, from Bennett,

how long is a marathon?

-26.2 miles.

-Correct.

Bridget, from Terrendale,

what's the last letter of the Greek alphabet?

-Omega.

-Yes, you are correct.

Brittany, from Bennett,

what year was Polyester patented?

Ooh, Polyester? Who cares?

You should. The year was 1941.

Terrendale is now in the lead.

June, from Terrendale,

who composed Threepenny Opera?

Bertolt Brecht.

Incorrect. It was Kurt Weill.

Jane, from Bennett,

what country has the shortest coastline?

Monaco!

Correct.

The score is tied. There's two questions remaining.

Chris, what is the only animal

that can see both ultraviolet and infrared light?

-The Great Horned Owl.

-And you are...

Incorrect.

The answer was the goldfish.

If Bennett High gets this final question correct, they win the game.

And now, the final question goes to...

Carl...

What is Canada's only breed of chicken?

Er, it's...

It's erm...

It's erm... It's er...

-Come on, Carl. Answer the question.

-It's the...

-Time's running out, Carl!

-Answer the question!

It's the... The um...

I can't...

I'm sorry, Porter.

Five seconds, Carl.

I hope this helps, Porter.

-The Chantecler chicken.

-Correct!

Bennett wins!

Yes!

Case dismissed!

What? Case dismissed? Your Honour, I must object most strenuously!

Never mind, I'm good.

Congratulations, Porter!

-Never had a doubt in my mind.

-Well, that makes one of us.

And that's the conclusion of another exciting season of Quizzomatics!

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