Love Bites Young Dracula

We're agreed - whatever we do, let's make sure Dad doesn't find out tomorrow is...

Valentine's! My favourite feast day!

And I've put in a special order for a flavoursome female.

Oh!

And she has arrived early, Master!

Renfield, I asked for a delectable lady,

not a pox-ridden gnome in a wig!

Waargh!

Dad, remember the rules - no biting.

Oh, come on, Vladdy! It's Valentine's, and I'm feeling lucky.

You'll have to be in your condition.

I mean, how long is it since you last bit a breather?

Well, it's been, er...

Well, I mean, er...

Exactly! I bet you couldn't even bite Mrs Branagh!

That ready meal? I could have her warmed up in seconds.

-And any other woman in this village, for that matter!

-Yeah, yeah(!)

You're all mouth and no fangs.

-You dare to challenge the Prince of Darkness?!

-And?

Nice one, Ingrid(!)

So,

Operation Valentine's. And remember, not a word to your...

Gonna get that right if you keep doing that. That's good. Ooh, yeah!

Mmm!

Maybe we should hold off for a while?

Mum only moved back in was because we promised we'd given up slaying.

Tomorrow's Valentine's Day! Or "Bag A Breather Day", as vampires call it.

And I saw the way he looked at your mum. I'm certain she's in danger.

I thought you'd let this vampire thing go.

Right, I'm off to work.

Oh, Graham,

-stick this in the post for me, will you?

-Ah, yes - Valentine's tomorrow!

Oh, it's not for you!

It's for Mr Count.

Poor thing, stuck in the castle all on his own.

You mean you fancy him?

Of course not, you big softie!

-I mean, I don't fancy Ian, Paul or Robin but I send them a Valentine's card each year.

-Oh, what?!

You mean you're my secret admirer?

What, you really thought somebody out there liked you?

Actually, freak-boy, somebody does. And I'm taking her to the Valentine's Ball.

No way! I've got a date as well!

-Nice one.

-Come on, then.

-Who are the lucky girls?

-Ingrid.

Hey, Ingrid, what's going on?

We can't all be going to the Valentine's Ball with you.

Exactly. So I've decided to charge everybody £5 and pull a name out of a hat.

Great! I'm in!

So you really think my mum might be in danger? Again!

-Valentine's Day brings out the worst in my dad.

-And everyone else. It's a load of rubbish if you ask me.

Fools! There's no way I'm falling for it.

Hey, it's my first day here.

Could you show me the way to reception?

I'll teach Ingrid to call me "all mouth and no fangs"! Ha!

You can't let her get away with that, Master. Have you got a plan?

Of course! I am Count Dracula!

Ladies fall at my feet.

And if they don't...

..then I'll make them!

375, 380, 385!

That's every boy except one.

-Come on, then! Who's forgotten to buy their tickets?

-Will Clark.

Will Clark?!

Never heard of him! What does he look like?

Me.

Look, do you want to go to the ball with me or not?

Nah, ain't really my thing.

-Yeah, well, me neither.

-Yeah, well, you better give these

-guys back their money then.

-No, wait!

I am going to the ball really!

You have no idea who you're messing with - mortal!

So does that mean we've still got a chance?

Yeah!

"Le Trappe Pour Vampire".

My very own irresistible perfume!

More poodle.

More grown-man's tears.

And finally

for that secret ingredient, the one that few women can resist...

..chocolate.

Right.

Time to turn on the Dracula charm!

-Robin, you...!

-Sorry.

So, are you going to the Valentine's ball tomorrow?

As if. Who would I meet in this dump?

You never know, you could meet the man of your dreams.

-Are you a footballer?

-No.

-Are you famous?

-No.

-Do you live in a castle?

Well, no, but I have got...

Actually I do live in a castle.

When I'm not in my LA crib, innit?

Hi. I'm Delila!

Sweet.

Right then,

where were we?

Dad, you have got Mum a Valentine's present for tomorrow?

Yes! I'm going to protect her from a blood-sucking vampire!

-We can get into the castle...

-Right, well, I'm gonna order some

-chocolates.

-Just...

Wait, wait! What about the plan?

Thanks!

-Safe, Ingrid!

-No-one is "safe".

And no-one makes me look...

Makes me look...

Ingrid? Are you all right?

No!

GLOBE CRASHES

-Woa! What just happened?

-Nothing!

Nothing happened, all right!

Yeah, whatever.

OK.

Wow! This place must be worth a fortune.

-Yeah, well, thanks for seeing me home.

-What?!

You're not going to ask me in?

Oh, I've, er... I've left my keys at school.

Yeah, I know. We better just be going. Brilliant!

Hey! Automatic doors - that's posh!

This room would make such a good gym.

We'd have to get rid of that fireplace, of course.

And clear out all this antique rubbish.

Erm, the thing is, my erm...dad will be sleeping and it's not a good idea to wake him.

Ruff! Ruff! Stranger danger!

Oh, that is really cute! Hello!

I'm bored of it. How do you switch it off?

-Ow! Madam, that is not a button!

-Who's there?

-Just me, Dad!

-Dad?

-Hi, Vlad!

This is Delila, my girlfriend.

Delila?

So, it's up to the castle, slay the Count and

complete Operation Valentine's - all before your mum gets back.

Surprise!

I thought we'd have a family night in.

Yeah!

We'll, er...cook dinner?

Mission aborted.

Wotcha!

How does this sun bed work, then?

Allow me to demonstrate.

Dad, no!

Oi!

That's Delila. She's a friend from school.

And already you've got her into a coffin? You dark horse! Oh, Vlad,

remember the rules -

no biting!

Your dad's cool. Is he a rock star?

I think it's time you left.

Welcome to the Vampire Helpline.

If you are losing your fangs, say one.

If you can't stand the sight of blood, say two.

-If you are unable to achieve hypnosis, say...

-Three!

-Has this ever happened before?

-No.

-Are you feeling stressed?

-No.

-Is the breather in question attractive?

-Well, sort of. But I don't see how that's relevant.

I'm sorry I did not understand your answer.

-Is the breather in question attractive?

-Yes!

-Does lighting flicker in their presence?

-Yes!

Duh! You're in love with a breather.

What?! I am not in love with a breather!

SHE SCREAMS IN RAGE

I must say, I was very impressed with your young lady earlier.

You certainly are a chip off the old fang.

Delila is Robin's girlfriend, not mine.

Then crush him! Steal her away!

Dad! I can't make her like me, can I?

Ah, you'd be surprised what we vampires can do.

"Le Trappe Pour Vampire".

Guaranteed to make even the most hideous louse irresistible.

That's scary!

It's also cheating.

You're not gonna use this on Mrs Branagh, are you?

-Oh, I promise you the Branagh woman is quite safe.

-You promise!

Vampire's honour!

Cross my cold, unbeating heart.

COCK CROWS

Ah, Valentine's Day at last!

Time to "Bag a Breather"!

What's going on?

Sorry, Dad, I just can't trust you.

But I gave you my word!

-Exactly.

-Vladimir?

Let me out immediately!

Renfield!

I can't help you, Master!

I'm locked in the chest!

BANGING

FURIOUS BANGING

Let me out, you traitor!

-Dad?

-Nosferatu!

What you doing?

Shhh, I'm guarding your mum. It's Valentine's Day and she's a prime

target. There's no way I'm letting her out of my sight!

Morning!

-Just been for a run up at the castle.

-The castle?!

Yes, the castle!

And, look, I wasn't bitten once!

CAR DRAWS UP

Delivery for Mina Van Helsing.

Oooh! Thank you!

I wonder who these could be from.

Eh, Dad?

The Count! Of course!

Good thinking, Jonno! It could be a human heart!

Or a blood bomb! Or...

maybe it's even the Count himself!

-Die! Die!

-Or maybe it's the chocolates you ordered!

Happy Valentine's Day?

Thanks.

Robin!

Oh, hey, Vlad. I, er, can't stop, I'm...

-Meeting your girlfriend?

-Yeah.

-Look, about pretending I lived in the castle...

-Don't worry. All's fair in love and war, eh?

Exactly! So we're still friends?

Friends.

So, yeah, it's actually me who lives in a castle.

-But I'm sure you still want to go out with Robin, so...

-Delila!

Hiya, Robin!

You're dumped! And, yes, Vlad, I would love

to go to the ball with you. See ya!

Somebody loves you.

Don't know why.

Arrrrrgh!

It's all right, they're only rats.

Only rats?!

What do you want, snakes with flick knives?

It's for me? Oh, I'm touched.

Touched?! You're supposed to be scared witless!

See you at the ball later.

-I thought you weren't going to the ball.

-Yeah, well I... changed my mind.

-Tough!

The ball's cancelled. Rat infestation.

EVERYONE SCREAMS

-Well, thanks a lot. I had a date with Delila!

-Aww!

Have I ruined your evening?

-Bonus. Anyway, I thought you'd be guarding Dad?

-Don't worry,

Dad's going nowhere.

Ah, Vlad, Ingrid.

Now, there's no need to worry, your father got himself locked in a...

What was it again?

I hypnotised her so she wouldn't remember.

I'm so lucky Elizabeth happened to drop by.

No, I'm the lucky one, Mr Count. Thanks again for letting me hold

the ball here tonight. Isn't it exciting?

Robin, I can't believe you're letting our whole family go up there

-again!

-Chloe, it's a school disco.

In a vampire's castle!

Come on, you two, glad rags on!

There is no way I'm going to that Valentine's ball!

I don't think she got many cards.

LOUD MUSIC THUMPS

Doesn't it look beautiful?

Mmm. Lovely.

I can't believe we have to be here.

Well, you are a teacher, Eric. And this is the school ball.

-The least you can do is be civil.

-Ah!

What a delightful surprise!

This way for drinks and...nibbles.

Whatever you do, don't take your eyes off your mum.

All set for your date with my girlfriend?

-She's my girlfriend!

-Only cos you cheated!

At least now she'll know the truth.

Oh, so you've told her you're a vampire, then?

Well, I can't tell her that, can I?

Vladimir! Where is my bottle of 'Le Trappe'?

And don't even think about lying!

-I threw it away.

-What? The whole lot?! But I haven't used a drop of it yet!

-Why?

-Well, because, you're the Prince of Darkness?

You don't need some cheap perfume.

Well, I suppose I am pretty irresistible, yes.

You're right, Vladdy.

Last one to the dance floor is a loveless louse! Ha, ha!

MUSIC TEMPO SLOWS

MUSIC STOPS

Ladies and...Lordies, please find your Valentine

for our traditional Transylvanian maypole dance!

TRANSYLVANIAN FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

So it turns out Delila didn't fancy either of us.

Not yet, she doesn't.

Vlad!

Let's do it!

Careful, this is really strong stuff.

Great! Now look what you've done!

Hey, boys.

Hey!

GIRLS SCREAM

Come on, ladies - one at a time, please.

Takes after his father, that one.

Mina!

Run!

# Lonely

# That was my name

# Until I hit this town

# My loves were hand-me-downs

# Lonely

# That was my game

# Now... #

-What are we doing here?

-We need to find an antidote, quickly!

If only I'd learned to fart at will!

-What?

-Well, that normally gets rid of Chloe.

That's it!

We just need to find the right smell!

Hurry up!

All right. Er... Cat food?

Monkey droppings? Rotten eggs? Which one?

Just mix them all together!

Come on Vlad, faster!

Hurry up!

ALL: Urgh!

You two are such losers!

Let's never argue over a girl again.

Deal.

Where is she?

HE GAGS

I have a little Valentine's gift for you.

Sorry about the spelling, I had Renfield carve it.

Now it's time for my Valentine gift.

-Room service!

-Yes, yes. Now go away!

Where am I?

Well, hello.

No, no, no! Renfield!

Hey, Ingrid.

-You've got some choc...

-You are so transparent!

Dancing with that bubble-brained wannabe in a pathetic

attempt to make me jealous!

It worked then?

Boys!

Mina!

-Mum!

-Go away!

What have you done with her?!

Nothing. She ran off with that cockroach Renfield.

You're gonna pay for this...

Did you say Renfield?!

I'd rather not talk about it right now.

HE SNIFFS

Oh, you are so adorable!

No, I'm not! Get off me!

Mina!

Eric, isn't he handsome?

Urgh!

It's all right, darling. You're safe. Safe, safe.

-Eric, what have you done?

-Saved you from a vampire!

I knew you'd have to cause trouble. You just couldn't help yourself, could you?

I've never seen Ingrid look so...

happy.

EXPLOSION, EVERYONE SCREAMS

Everyone, outside now!

SHE SQUEALS

Now that is more like it.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Limited

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