Never Too Old Dad's Army


Never Too Old

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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys Who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys Who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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Oh, hello, Mr Godfrey.

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You remember me - I'm Mrs Fox.

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Of course. Can I do anything for you?

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-I wanted to have a word with Mr Jones.

-He's gone for a march around the town. He'll be some time.

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Oh, well, I promised to phone him at eight. As I was passing I thought I'd put him out of his misery.

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-Never mind. I'll phone as promised. Bye!

-Bye!

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-MUMBLES:

-Left, right, left, left.

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Right wheel!

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Ten 'hun!

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Left turn!

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Order...arms!

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Stand at...ease! ..Where's Corporal Jones?

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-Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring.

-Yes.

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Remember when we came into the high street and you said right wheel?

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He didn't.

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He walked straight on wi' a silly grin on his face.

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-Did you notice?

-Yes.

-Why not say?

-I didn't want to upset you.

-Upset me?!

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Left, right, left, right, left!

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Left wheel! Left, right, left!

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'Alt!

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Left turn!

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Order...arms!

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Stand at...ease!

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Evening!

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Where've you been, Corporal?

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I saw a little throstle bird, sir.

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And I said to meself, "What a pretty throstle! Isn't life wonderful?"

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When I looked round you'd all left!

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Your mind's usually on warlike things, not birds!

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-Fall out! ..Come and see me in the office, would you?

-Of course, sir.

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I'm getting worried about Jones.

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-Woolly-headed.

-Yes, I had noticed, sir.

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If it doesn't improve I must replace him. I can't face a Nazi invasion with a woolly-headed corporal!

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-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in!

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Ah, it's you, Jones. I was going to send for you.

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-Yes, sir. Permission to have a heart-to-heart, man-to-man talk.

-..Of course. Sit down.

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All right, Jonesy. You sit down here. There you are.

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-Can I start?

-Yes, of course.

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-Have you noticed a spring in my step, Captain?

-I'd hardly call it that.

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-What about you, Mr Wilson? Do you see a glint in my eye?

-Now you mention it, you do look different.

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I have fallen in love, Captain Mainwaring.

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..With a woman.

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-I see.

-Sir, I have the honour to ask your permission to get married.

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-It's really nothing to do with me.

-Don't say that. You're my commanding officer and every help in trouble.

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-But you're not in any trouble, are you, Jonesy?

-Oh, no.

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You're technically a civilian, free to marry when and whom you like.

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But do YOU give me your permission?

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-Very well, if you want it, yes. Yes, all right.

-Oh, bless you, sir. I knew you wouldn't let me down.

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-He's a lovely man!

-Who is the lady in question?

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Mrs Fox.

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-Quite sure that you're in love?

-I'm besotted!

-That's not quite the same.

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I see her face everywhere I go.

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I see it in the trees and hills.

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I even saw it on the gasworks.

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Every morning I see it on the pillow beside me.

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Not really! You didn't think that, did you? ..Everywhere I glance, there she is like a will-o'-the-wasp!

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You're quite sure this isn't just a passing fancy?

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No, it's definitely not a passing fancy. I've fancied her for 17 years!

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-Jonesy, are you absolutely sure that you want to marry her?

-No, sir. No.

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I'm tortured by self-doubt. I'm only a humble butcher, you know. Is it TRUE affection she feels for me?

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Does she love me for myself?

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Or does she love me for my meat?

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When were you planning to get married?

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-I don't know if she'll HAVE me!

-You haven't asked her?

-Oh, yes, I've even offered her an ultimah-tum.

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She's supposed to telephone me at eight o'clock with the answer.

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-Can I sit by the phone? Let me sit next to the phone, sir.

-No, I'm sorry, I can't have you there.

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Wait in the hall. We'll come and fetch you.

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Mr Wilson, what would I do without your compromising suggestions?

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Well, sir, I shall be waiting on tenterhooks, sir. Thank you, sir.

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Thank you, sir.

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He's really got it badly, sir?

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Here he is! What did he say?

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He said yes! He's a lovely man! He really is a lovely man!

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You shouldnae have asked him.

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Mrs Fox is a fine, big widow woman. You should've taken her and hang the consequences!

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Oh, I don't think there'd be any consequences!

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She called in before you came back.

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She called in? What did she say? She'd put you out of your misery.

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Out of me misery? What does that mean?

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They do it to dumb animals past hope.

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She'll ring at eight o'clock. It'll be all right.

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Exciting, isn't it? Can I come to your bachelor party, Mr Jones?

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Course you can, Pikey. You can all come!

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Be a lot of bachelors there. Mr Godfrey's a bachelor, I'm a bachelor, Mr Fraser.

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But Mr Fraser hasn't always been one.

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Ay-y-y-ye! I have indeed!

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Mind you, I've never been wanting a lassie!

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Well, tell me - have you ever asked one of them, and then she phoned up later and said no?

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As a matter of fact, she said yes. For a while, anyway.

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Yea, man. She was a fine lassie!

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She had long, sturdy legs.

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And she loved tae tread the path by the high cliff.

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With the night wind blawin' through her tresses.

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One night...

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she never came back.

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It seemed she was blawn over the cliff.

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Carried out to sea.

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Every night... I stood on that very cliff...

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..and shouted...

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"Jessie! Jessie!

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"Will you no' come back to me?"

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But the wind just blew the words back in my face.

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Mocked me. Mocked me, d'you hear?

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Many years after, I received a letter.

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It, eh...I was sure that...

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it contained news of her.

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And my fingers shook as I opened it.

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Aye, son - I still carry it here. Next to my hert.

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Your heart's on the other side.

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"Dear James, I shall always love you.

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"I still wear your ring.

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"I'm in Singapore, and I want to come home

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"and be wed.

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"Please send £40.

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"Yours forever, Jessie."

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Did you send it, Mr Fraser?

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Away wi' you, boy. Do you think I'm made of money?

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PHONE RINGS There's the telephone! There's the telephone! Don't panic! Don't panic!

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It's Mrs Fox! It's for me!

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That's Mrs Fox! It's Mrs Fox!

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Hello, my darling! It's me. Are you going to give me the answer? Don't keep me in suspense!

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I love you and love you and I want to be with you forever and ever!

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Oh.

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It's the Colonel for you, Captain.

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Hello, sir. Mainwaring here. I'm sorry about that, sir.

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- What did she say? What happened? - She turned you down!

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It wasn't her, but it will be in a minute. I wish he'd get off that phone!

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-You gonna be long on the phone, Captain?

-Get out.

-Very good. Thank you, sir.

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Mrs Fox'll phone in a minute and get the engaged signal.

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-PHONE RINGS Whoa, there's the phone.

-I see.

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Yes, of course. Yes, hold on.

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Jones, I want you to keep very calm. This is for you.

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HIGH VOICE: Jack Jones...

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NORMAL: Jack Jones, the butcher.

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-She wants me to sit down, sir.

-Give him a chair.

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Sit down here, Jonesy. Sit down and try not to get too worked up.

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-Thank you, Mr Wilson. He's a lovely man. He really is a lovely man.

-Phone.

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I am now sitting down.

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Yes...

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..yes...

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..yes...

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Thank you for letting me know.

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I'm trying to keep calm, Captain Mainwaring. I really am.

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-Never mind, Jonesy. It's not the end of the world.

-She's a lovely woman. She really is a lovely woman.

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It's no good. I can't keep calm - I'm gonna break! She said she loved me.

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She said...yes. I'm gonna marry Mrs Fox! I'm gonna marry Mrs Fox!

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I'm gonna marry Mrs Fox! I'm gonna marry Mrs Fox!

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Yes. Very well, Mrs Fox, I'll call round tomorrow at six o'clock. Yes.

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Rest assured, anything you say will be treated with the strictest confidence.

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-KNOCK AT DOOR

-All right. Goodbye. ..Come in!

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-Oh, it's you, Wilson. Have the men gone?

-Yes, sir. Did you want them?

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-No, but I did want to speak to you about Jones.

-Yes, you'd have thought he'd have calmed down after a week.

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-D'you think I'm right to let him go ahead?

-You've no authority not to.

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On the other hand, it may work out all right. After all, they're both the same class.

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Yes. ..D'you really think class matters?

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Oh, no question. No question about it at all.

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Families make trouble - I contended with snobbery in marrying Elizabeth.

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Did you, as it were, marry beneath you?

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Oh, no. The family rather thought that SHE did.

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-Ah.

-She's very well connected, you know, Elizabeth. Her father was the Suffragan Bishop of Clegthorpe.

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-Oh, was he really?

-She led a very sheltered life, you know, Elizabeth.

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Very funny - you know she hadn't even tried tomato sauce before she met me?

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I soon put that right.

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Marrying you must have opened up a whole new world for her!

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Oh, yes. I think it did. But I never felt at ease with her parents, you know.

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Always had the impression they were looking down their noses at me, even after I'd become assistant manager.

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-Weren't they impressed?

-Not a bit. It was quite a big branch too. I had my own partitioned cubicle.

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-Ooh! Did you?

-Still, Jones and Mrs Fox won't be bothered with things like that, will they?

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Mrs Fox has asked me to go round and see her. If it's a question of advice, I shall be non-committal.

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Let no man put asunder, eh, Wilson?

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Yes, quite right, sir. Marriage falls asunder quite easily anyway!

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Oh, no. Not in my case.

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I...I had a very happy marriage.

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Very happy indeed.

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That's all.

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Goodnight, sir. Goodnight.

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Come on in! It IS open - just give it a push!

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Mrs Fox? Mrs FOX?

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Oh, hello, Captain Mainwaring.

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-My goodness, it's not six o'clock already, is it?

-6.02 to be precise.

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Oh, my clock's stopped again. I AM sorry. Make yourself at home. I won't be a second.

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I'll leave the door open so we can keep talking while I dress.

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-I'll come back in five minutes.

-Oh, no, no!

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-Please don't go - I'm perfectly decent underneath.

-I'm quite sure.

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-Please sit down. Please.

-Very well.

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There. I hope you don't mind coming to my little nest.

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It's humble, but it's all mine.

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-I wanted a few moments alone with you before the others arrive.

-The others? What others?

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-Mrs Pike and Mr Wilson.

-Oh.

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Oh, my goodness - I've got a catch.

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Do you think that'll run?

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I don't know, I'm sure.

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-Would you mind awfully if I didn't put them on?

-Not in the least.

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Well, I don't like to see a lady with bare legs, and I think a ladder looks even more abandoned.

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Don't you?

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Yes, yes, I'm sure you're right.

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-I expect you're wondering what's on my mind.

-Yes, I am.

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It's like this, Mr Mainwaring - I've always had what you might call a soft spot for you.

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And I've had a very high regard for you as well.

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Oh, dear, I-I'm not expressing myself very well, am I?

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-Mr Mainwaring...

-Yes.

-You don't want me to beat about the bush, do you?

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Well, I'm not quite sure.

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Well, you see, I haven't got a father. In fact, I've no male relations whatsoever.

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-You wouldn't give me away, would you?

-Wouldn't I?

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-At the wedding.

-At the wedding! I see. Yes, of course, if you wish me to.

-Mr Mainwaring!

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Oh, you are a darling!

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You've no idea what a weight that is off my mind.

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Look, I think I'll go and come back when the others are due.

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-Coo-eee! Are you there? >

-Oh, come in, Mrs Pike.

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Come along in, Arthur. Come in, Frank.

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-Good evening, Mrs Fox.

-Mrs Fox.

-Good evening, dear.

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Take your hat off, Frank. Where are your manners?

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-You're early, Mr Mainwaring.

-No - I was punctual for my appointment.

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Mr Mainwaring practically caught me in the bath!

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That's somewhat of an exaggeration.

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I hope you don't mind me bringing Frank. But we don't like to leave him on his own when there's a war on.

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-Do we, Arthur?

-Well, I don't know.

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Take your scarf off! ..There are so many funny people about. ..That's it.

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Mum, what could funny people do to me if they found me alone in wartime?

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Never you mind.

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-FROM OUTSIDE: Mildred!

-Come in, Jack.

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-Hello, everyone.

-Oh, don't move!

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Don't move - I want to remember you just standing there.

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Who, me?

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Isn't he lovely?

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-Sorry I'm late.

-You're dead on time.

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-Mr Mainwaring was here first to help Mrs Fox out the bath.

-It was quite innocent, wasn't it, Mr Mainwaring?

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-Totally innocent.

-Well, now Jack's here, I think we can start. Please all sit down.

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MRS PIKE: Come and sit down, Arthur, and Frank.

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Sit down, boy.

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What are you doing?!

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I'm very happy to announce that Mr Mainwaring is going to give me away.

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Very nice! Frank! Give over, dear.

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-And Mrs Pike has kindly consented to be matron of honour.

-And Mr Wilson's gonna be best man.

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-You're best man?

-Yes.

-Well, write everything down or you'll forget it.

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-Naturally, we won't be having a white wedding.

-Why not?

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Cos there's a war on!

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Now, the bride and the matron of honour will be in turquoise.

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-What about the men?

-I'm gonna be wearing my regimental regalia with medals.

-Oh!

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-That's very nice! I think all the men should be in uniform.

-With medals.

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I don't think that's a good idea at all.

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No, you see, cos Mr Mainwaring and me haven't got any medals, have we?

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Arthur has.

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That's got nothing to do with it. I think people are tired of uniform.

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Oh, I don't agree. Let's put it to the vote.

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Now, hands up for uniform and medals.

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Put your hand down, boy. You know no...

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Still seem to be out-voted.

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Well, that's settled then. Now, the flowers.

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Mildred, can't you get out of the bath on your own?

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Everything's in order - I've checked it myself.

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You can't rely on Wilson.

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-Hello, Napoleon. I'm off to the church. Everything under control?

-Yes. I didn't know you were invited.

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Course I am. I'm a friend of the bride.

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All the guests are ready in church - shouldn't Mr Jones be there as well?

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-It's five to.

-Is it so late? ..Jones!

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There's no sign of Mr Wilson yet, and I'm getting meself in a state.

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-Is it bad luck when the best man doesn't turn up?

-Damned inconvenient! You'd better get to the church.

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He was ready when I left. He was rude to Mum, so she's had to put him in his place.

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The bride will be here any second - we don't want you meeting. No, we don't!

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That IS a bad omen! That IS...

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Mr Jones, the church! Oh, yes, right.

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-Remember! A clear understanding - no confetti!

-We understand, thank you.

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I'm terribly sorry if I'm a little bit late.

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I should jolly well think you are! Where have you bee...

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-What's all this?

-I'm sorry, but you see, Mavis, Mrs Pike insisted - it's my uniform from the First World War.

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She found it in an old tin trunk.

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-It looks ridiculous.

-Yes. I wouldn't have put it on, but she'd hidden my trousers.

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-An officer's uniform?

-That's right - I WAS an officer.

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-You never told me.

-Well, you didn't ASK me. Anyway, it was unimportant.

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-These pips denote a captain.

-I WAS a captain.

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Well, I'm blessed! Doesn't count for anything now, you know.

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-< Coo-ee! Mr Mainwaring?

-You'd better go to church. Try not to make a fool of yourself.

-All right, sir.

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Well, you DO look a pretty pair!

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-Thank you.

-What a lovely bride you make, Mrs Fox.

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-Oh, won't be Mrs Fox much longer!

-No. No, indeed it won't.

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-Right, well, we're ready when you are, Vicar.

-Off we go, then!

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Remember, I want a solemn undertaking - no confetti!

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Oh, COME ON!

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Will you take my arm, Mrs Fox?

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Mr Mainwaring, I think I'm going to cry!

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Oh, DO try not to.

0:24:000:24:03

ORGAN PLAYS BRIDAL MARCH

0:24:030:24:06

Here they come!

0:24:130:24:16

CHEERS

0:24:160:24:19

No confetti! No confetti!

0:24:200:24:23

I'm gonna throw confetti, so ya boo sucks to you!

0:24:230:24:27

Here!

0:24:300:24:33

­ I thought you said no confetti!

0:24:360:24:38

I DID enjoy that! So did I.

0:24:400:24:43

Ach, it's a pagan ceremony, and in their case I should have thought, a complete waste of time.

0:24:430:24:49

Captain! The Colonel's been on the phone, sir -

0:24:490:24:53

-he wants the platoon on 30-minute

-standby. Thank you.

0:24:530:24:57

-Hear that? 30-minute standby - something's afoot.

-We're all here.

0:24:570:25:02

We'll keep it under our hats, but we ought to push things along.

0:25:020:25:06

-Start the speeches - keep yours short...and don't get drunk.

-What?

0:25:060:25:11

Have one of these, Miss Godfrey - it's cider.

0:25:120:25:16

I hope it won't make us tipsy. No. Here's to the bride and groom.

0:25:160:25:20

Probably YOUR turn next, Mr Godfrey!

0:25:200:25:23

-Charles NEARLY got married, didn't you?

-I wanted to.

0:25:230:25:27

It would never have done - her parents live in a bungalow!

0:25:270:25:32

-She married a farmer. I see her from time to time.

-Do you?

0:25:330:25:38

-She's a widow now.

-Is she?

0:25:380:25:40

Have another one, Miss Godfrey.

0:25:400:25:43

May I have your attention, please?

0:25:430:25:46

Pray silence for Captain Mainwaring, who is acting as the bride's father.

0:25:460:25:51

Ladies and gentlemen,

0:25:550:25:58

Jack and...ba...the...uh...Mildred.

0:25:580:26:02

-I'm not going to make a long speech.

-Good.

0:26:020:26:05

I've known Jack...many years.

0:26:090:26:12

-And he's the salt of the earth.

-Hear, hear!

-Yes.

0:26:120:26:16

He's loyal, he's brave, and he's very kind.

0:26:160:26:20

And I have no hesitation saying to you, M...uh...Mildred,

0:26:200:26:26

-he's the first man to turn to in any sort of trouble.

-She's not in trouble, Captain!

0:26:260:26:33

I wish you both the very best of luck, and may you be as happy as I have been with my own dear wife,

0:26:360:26:43

-who sadly can't be with us this afternoon.

-Where is she, then?

-Staying with her sister.

0:26:430:26:50

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Jack and...and Mildred.

0:26:500:26:54

ALL: Jack and Mildred!

0:26:540:26:57

Speech! > ALL: Speech!

0:26:570:27:00

YOU've got to give the speech! YOU!

0:27:000:27:03

Oh, oh. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to thank Captain Mainwaring for saying all those kind things.

0:27:030:27:10

And also for standing in as the bride's father, which he isn't.

0:27:100:27:15

Thank you for coming along, and good health, everyone! ALL: Good health! Good luck!

0:27:160:27:23

-Your turn, now.

-What?

-Keep it short.

-But I don't have to speak at all.

0:27:240:27:29

Yes, you do. You have to toast the matron of honour.

0:27:290:27:33

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr...Captain...Sergeant Wilson...

0:27:330:27:38

-..will now say a few words.

-Right.

0:27:390:27:42

Thank you. It's my pleasure to propose the toast of the bridesmaid, the matron of honour, I should say,

0:27:420:27:49

a lady whom I've known for a considerable number of years.

0:27:490:27:54

You are one of that happy band of women who give out so much affection

0:27:570:28:03

and love, which you don't always get in return.

0:28:030:28:07

Anyway, I think that hat you're wearing is very pretty - I like it.

0:28:080:28:13

Anyway, I'd like to propose now the health of the matron of honour.

0:28:130:28:20

ALL: Matron of honour!

0:28:200:28:23

We haven't cut the cake - whatever next?!

0:28:230:28:26

We'd forget our heads if they weren't screwed on. Where's my bayonet?

0:28:260:28:31

Captain - the colonel again. He wants to speak to you.

0:28:310:28:35

Come along, gather round.

0:28:350:28:38

CHATTER

0:28:380:28:41

-Now, here we go!

-No, no, no, no!

0:28:440:28:47

Oh, no - that's only cardboard!

0:28:470:28:49

There IS a war on, you know!

0:28:570:29:00

-Hello, sir. Mainwaring here.

-Ah. Everthing's a bit confused here.

0:29:010:29:07

-But all units are standing by.

-Good Lord! Has the balloon gone up?

0:29:070:29:12

Not yet, but barges are moving off the coast and the weather's right, so we can't take chances.

0:29:120:29:18

-Right, sir, I'll put my men at action stations.

-Good luck.

-Thank you, sir.

0:29:180:29:24

CHATTER

0:29:240:29:27

Ladies and gentlemen, order, please.

0:29:300:29:33

-KNOCKS ON TABLE

-May I have your attention a moment?

0:29:330:29:37

There's no cause for alarm, but I want members of the Home Guard to parade outside immediately, please.

0:29:370:29:44

-WOMEN GROAN

-Quickly as you can.

0:29:440:29:48

-Pick up your rifles on the way.

-What's going on, Napoleon?

-Contact your HQ - there's an invasion alert.

0:29:480:29:55

# There'll always be an England

0:29:550:29:58

# While there's a country lane... #

0:29:580:30:04

Bet you didn't think you were gonna spend your wedding night with me, did you, Mr Jones?

0:30:050:30:11

No, I did not, Pikey.

0:30:110:30:14

You were going to the Esplanade Hotel, Eastgate, weren't you?

0:30:140:30:18

Yeah. Never mind - duty comes first.

0:30:180:30:22

I wonder if they'll give me the deposit back on the room.

0:30:220:30:26

HALT! Who goes there?

0:30:270:30:32

It's me - Mrs Jones.

0:30:300:30:32

Mrs Jones? I dunno no Mrs Jones.

0:30:320:30:35

It's me, Jack! Me!

0:30:350:30:37

Oh! Mrs Jones, the butcher's wife!

0:30:370:30:41

-I thought I'd come and sit with you a while.

-Good idea.

0:30:410:30:45

Here, Pikey, you keep a good lookout,

0:30:450:30:48

and me and the missus will sit down and have a nice little chat.

0:30:480:30:53

And a nice little cuddle and all!

0:30:530:30:55

Oh, nothing like that, Pikey! Come on, my precious.

0:30:550:31:00

Oh, Jack!

0:31:030:31:06

When this is all over, Jack, can we go and live in a little cottage?

0:31:070:31:12

Yes, with roses round the door.

0:31:120:31:15

Oh, yes! And a big fridge in the kitchen.

0:31:150:31:19

-What d'you want a big fridge for?

-To keep all the big joints of meat in.

0:31:200:31:25

-After the war.

-Oh, yes. After the war!

0:31:250:31:29

Not that we won't have a joint or two before then, of course!

0:31:290:31:34

-'ALT! Who goes there?

-All right. Well done. Only us.

0:31:380:31:42

-Any sign of anything?

-No, it's ever so quiet.

-Where's Corporal Jones?

0:31:420:31:47

Where he should be on his wedding night - with his bride!

0:31:470:31:51

You stupid boy!

0:31:540:31:57

Here I am, Captain. I've been having a chat with the wife. I kept ever so alert though. I've sent her home.

0:31:570:32:04

All right. We found some champagne - we thought we'd drink your health.

0:32:040:32:09

-Hand out the glasses.

-I haven't brought any.

0:32:090:32:13

-What's the good of champagne without glasses?

-I thought you'd bring them.

-Where would I find glasses?

-Well...

0:32:140:32:21

There's a couple of mugs I brought for our cocoa.

0:32:210:32:26

-GODFREY: I've got my medicine glass.

-That'll do, then. Pour it.

-Right.

0:32:260:32:31

-There we are - gently.

-Keep a good lookout over the sea, boy. You're too young for champagne anyway.

0:32:310:32:39

Hello, what are you lot doing here?

0:32:390:32:43

In case you'd forgotten, there's an invasion alert on.

0:32:430:32:47

It was a false alarm! Stand-down was half an hour ago.

0:32:470:32:51

-Hitler won't be joining us?

-Just as well, with YOU guarding us!

0:32:510:32:55

-What does that mean?

-Well, I mean, look at you! What good would you be against REAL soldiers?

0:32:550:33:02

Cor - oh, dear! They'd walk straight through you!

0:33:020:33:06

Goodnight.

0:33:060:33:09

-Here, he's no business...

-All right. Don't take any notice of him, men.

0:33:110:33:16

-Here's to your future health.

-Yes, here's to you, Jonesy.

-Good luck!

0:33:160:33:21

-Mr Mainwaring? Warden wasn't right, was he, when he said they would walk straight through us?

-Of course not!

0:33:210:33:29

I know one thing - they're not walking straight through me! Nor me! I'll be beside you, Jonesy!

0:33:290:33:36

We'll all be beside you. We'll stick together - you can rely on that.

0:33:360:33:41

If anybody tries to take our homes or our freedom away, they'll find out what we can do - we'll fight.

0:33:410:33:48

-We're not alone - there are thousands all over England.

-And Scotland.

-And Scotland.

0:33:480:33:54

Across Great Britain. Men standing together.

0:33:540:33:58

Excuse me, sir, wouldn't it be a nice idea to pay tribute to them?

0:33:580:34:03

For once, Wilson, I agree with you. To Britain's Home Guard!

0:34:030:34:09

ALL: To Britain's Home Guard!

0:34:110:34:14

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