Never Too Old Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys Who will stop your little game

# We are the boys Who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

Oh, hello, Mr Godfrey.

You remember me - I'm Mrs Fox.

Of course. Can I do anything for you?

-I wanted to have a word with Mr Jones.

-He's gone for a march around the town. He'll be some time.

Oh, well, I promised to phone him at eight. As I was passing I thought I'd put him out of his misery.

-Never mind. I'll phone as promised. Bye!

-Bye!

-MUMBLES:

-Left, right, left, left.

Right wheel!

Ten 'hun!

Left turn!

Order...arms!

Stand at...ease! ..Where's Corporal Jones?

-Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring.

-Yes.

Remember when we came into the high street and you said right wheel?

He didn't.

He walked straight on wi' a silly grin on his face.

-Did you notice?

-Yes.

-Why not say?

-I didn't want to upset you.

-Upset me?!

Left, right, left, right, left!

Left wheel! Left, right, left!

'Alt!

Left turn!

Order...arms!

Stand at...ease!

Evening!

Where've you been, Corporal?

I saw a little throstle bird, sir.

And I said to meself, "What a pretty throstle! Isn't life wonderful?"

When I looked round you'd all left!

Your mind's usually on warlike things, not birds!

-Fall out! ..Come and see me in the office, would you?

-Of course, sir.

I'm getting worried about Jones.

-Woolly-headed.

-Yes, I had noticed, sir.

If it doesn't improve I must replace him. I can't face a Nazi invasion with a woolly-headed corporal!

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in!

Ah, it's you, Jones. I was going to send for you.

-Yes, sir. Permission to have a heart-to-heart, man-to-man talk.

-..Of course. Sit down.

All right, Jonesy. You sit down here. There you are.

-Can I start?

-Yes, of course.

-Have you noticed a spring in my step, Captain?

-I'd hardly call it that.

-What about you, Mr Wilson? Do you see a glint in my eye?

-Now you mention it, you do look different.

I have fallen in love, Captain Mainwaring.

..With a woman.

-I see.

-Sir, I have the honour to ask your permission to get married.

-It's really nothing to do with me.

-Don't say that. You're my commanding officer and every help in trouble.

-But you're not in any trouble, are you, Jonesy?

-Oh, no.

You're technically a civilian, free to marry when and whom you like.

But do YOU give me your permission?

-Very well, if you want it, yes. Yes, all right.

-Oh, bless you, sir. I knew you wouldn't let me down.

-He's a lovely man!

-Who is the lady in question?

Mrs Fox.

-Quite sure that you're in love?

-I'm besotted!

-That's not quite the same.

I see her face everywhere I go.

I see it in the trees and hills.

I even saw it on the gasworks.

Every morning I see it on the pillow beside me.

Not really! You didn't think that, did you? ..Everywhere I glance, there she is like a will-o'-the-wasp!

You're quite sure this isn't just a passing fancy?

No, it's definitely not a passing fancy. I've fancied her for 17 years!

-Jonesy, are you absolutely sure that you want to marry her?

-No, sir. No.

I'm tortured by self-doubt. I'm only a humble butcher, you know. Is it TRUE affection she feels for me?

Does she love me for myself?

Or does she love me for my meat?

When were you planning to get married?

-I don't know if she'll HAVE me!

-You haven't asked her?

-Oh, yes, I've even offered her an ultimah-tum.

She's supposed to telephone me at eight o'clock with the answer.

-Can I sit by the phone? Let me sit next to the phone, sir.

-No, I'm sorry, I can't have you there.

Wait in the hall. We'll come and fetch you.

Mr Wilson, what would I do without your compromising suggestions?

Well, sir, I shall be waiting on tenterhooks, sir. Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir.

He's really got it badly, sir?

Here he is! What did he say?

He said yes! He's a lovely man! He really is a lovely man!

You shouldnae have asked him.

Mrs Fox is a fine, big widow woman. You should've taken her and hang the consequences!

Oh, I don't think there'd be any consequences!

She called in before you came back.

She called in? What did she say? She'd put you out of your misery.

Out of me misery? What does that mean?

They do it to dumb animals past hope.

She'll ring at eight o'clock. It'll be all right.

Exciting, isn't it? Can I come to your bachelor party, Mr Jones?

Course you can, Pikey. You can all come!

Be a lot of bachelors there. Mr Godfrey's a bachelor, I'm a bachelor, Mr Fraser.

But Mr Fraser hasn't always been one.

Ay-y-y-ye! I have indeed!

Mind you, I've never been wanting a lassie!

Well, tell me - have you ever asked one of them, and then she phoned up later and said no?

As a matter of fact, she said yes. For a while, anyway.

Yea, man. She was a fine lassie!

She had long, sturdy legs.

And she loved tae tread the path by the high cliff.

With the night wind blawin' through her tresses.

One night...

she never came back.

It seemed she was blawn over the cliff.

Carried out to sea.

Every night... I stood on that very cliff...

..and shouted...

"Jessie! Jessie!

"Will you no' come back to me?"

But the wind just blew the words back in my face.

Mocked me. Mocked me, d'you hear?

Many years after, I received a letter.

It, eh...I was sure that...

it contained news of her.

And my fingers shook as I opened it.

Aye, son - I still carry it here. Next to my hert.

Your heart's on the other side.

"Dear James, I shall always love you.

"I still wear your ring.

"I'm in Singapore, and I want to come home

"and be wed.

"Please send £40.

"Yours forever, Jessie."

Did you send it, Mr Fraser?

Away wi' you, boy. Do you think I'm made of money?

PHONE RINGS There's the telephone! There's the telephone! Don't panic! Don't panic!

It's Mrs Fox! It's for me!

That's Mrs Fox! It's Mrs Fox!

Hello, my darling! It's me. Are you going to give me the answer? Don't keep me in suspense!

I love you and love you and I want to be with you forever and ever!

Oh.

It's the Colonel for you, Captain.

Hello, sir. Mainwaring here. I'm sorry about that, sir.

- What did she say? What happened? - She turned you down!

It wasn't her, but it will be in a minute. I wish he'd get off that phone!

-You gonna be long on the phone, Captain?

-Get out.

-Very good. Thank you, sir.

Mrs Fox'll phone in a minute and get the engaged signal.

-PHONE RINGS Whoa, there's the phone.

-I see.

Yes, of course. Yes, hold on.

Jones, I want you to keep very calm. This is for you.

HIGH VOICE: Jack Jones...

NORMAL: Jack Jones, the butcher.

-She wants me to sit down, sir.

-Give him a chair.

Sit down here, Jonesy. Sit down and try not to get too worked up.

-Thank you, Mr Wilson. He's a lovely man. He really is a lovely man.

-Phone.

I am now sitting down.

Yes...

..yes...

..yes...

Thank you for letting me know.

I'm trying to keep calm, Captain Mainwaring. I really am.

-Never mind, Jonesy. It's not the end of the world.

-She's a lovely woman. She really is a lovely woman.

It's no good. I can't keep calm - I'm gonna break! She said she loved me.

She said...yes. I'm gonna marry Mrs Fox! I'm gonna marry Mrs Fox!

I'm gonna marry Mrs Fox! I'm gonna marry Mrs Fox!

Yes. Very well, Mrs Fox, I'll call round tomorrow at six o'clock. Yes.

Rest assured, anything you say will be treated with the strictest confidence.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-All right. Goodbye. ..Come in!

-Oh, it's you, Wilson. Have the men gone?

-Yes, sir. Did you want them?

-No, but I did want to speak to you about Jones.

-Yes, you'd have thought he'd have calmed down after a week.

-D'you think I'm right to let him go ahead?

-You've no authority not to.

On the other hand, it may work out all right. After all, they're both the same class.

Yes. ..D'you really think class matters?

Oh, no question. No question about it at all.

Families make trouble - I contended with snobbery in marrying Elizabeth.

Did you, as it were, marry beneath you?

Oh, no. The family rather thought that SHE did.

-Ah.

-She's very well connected, you know, Elizabeth. Her father was the Suffragan Bishop of Clegthorpe.

-Oh, was he really?

-She led a very sheltered life, you know, Elizabeth.

Very funny - you know she hadn't even tried tomato sauce before she met me?

I soon put that right.

Marrying you must have opened up a whole new world for her!

Oh, yes. I think it did. But I never felt at ease with her parents, you know.

Always had the impression they were looking down their noses at me, even after I'd become assistant manager.

-Weren't they impressed?

-Not a bit. It was quite a big branch too. I had my own partitioned cubicle.

-Ooh! Did you?

-Still, Jones and Mrs Fox won't be bothered with things like that, will they?

Mrs Fox has asked me to go round and see her. If it's a question of advice, I shall be non-committal.

Let no man put asunder, eh, Wilson?

Yes, quite right, sir. Marriage falls asunder quite easily anyway!

Oh, no. Not in my case.

I...I had a very happy marriage.

Very happy indeed.

That's all.

Goodnight, sir. Goodnight.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Come on in! It IS open - just give it a push!

Mrs Fox? Mrs FOX?

Oh, hello, Captain Mainwaring.

-My goodness, it's not six o'clock already, is it?

-6.02 to be precise.

Oh, my clock's stopped again. I AM sorry. Make yourself at home. I won't be a second.

I'll leave the door open so we can keep talking while I dress.

-I'll come back in five minutes.

-Oh, no, no!

-Please don't go - I'm perfectly decent underneath.

-I'm quite sure.

-Please sit down. Please.

-Very well.

There. I hope you don't mind coming to my little nest.

It's humble, but it's all mine.

-I wanted a few moments alone with you before the others arrive.

-The others? What others?

-Mrs Pike and Mr Wilson.

-Oh.

Oh, my goodness - I've got a catch.

Do you think that'll run?

I don't know, I'm sure.

-Would you mind awfully if I didn't put them on?

-Not in the least.

Well, I don't like to see a lady with bare legs, and I think a ladder looks even more abandoned.

Don't you?

Yes, yes, I'm sure you're right.

-I expect you're wondering what's on my mind.

-Yes, I am.

It's like this, Mr Mainwaring - I've always had what you might call a soft spot for you.

And I've had a very high regard for you as well.

Oh, dear, I-I'm not expressing myself very well, am I?

-Mr Mainwaring...

-Yes.

-You don't want me to beat about the bush, do you?

Well, I'm not quite sure.

Well, you see, I haven't got a father. In fact, I've no male relations whatsoever.

-You wouldn't give me away, would you?

-Wouldn't I?

-At the wedding.

-At the wedding! I see. Yes, of course, if you wish me to.

-Mr Mainwaring!

Oh, you are a darling!

You've no idea what a weight that is off my mind.

Look, I think I'll go and come back when the others are due.

-Coo-eee! Are you there? >

-Oh, come in, Mrs Pike.

Come along in, Arthur. Come in, Frank.

-Good evening, Mrs Fox.

-Mrs Fox.

-Good evening, dear.

Take your hat off, Frank. Where are your manners?

-You're early, Mr Mainwaring.

-No - I was punctual for my appointment.

Mr Mainwaring practically caught me in the bath!

That's somewhat of an exaggeration.

I hope you don't mind me bringing Frank. But we don't like to leave him on his own when there's a war on.

-Do we, Arthur?

-Well, I don't know.

Take your scarf off! ..There are so many funny people about. ..That's it.

Mum, what could funny people do to me if they found me alone in wartime?

Never you mind.

-FROM OUTSIDE: Mildred!

-Come in, Jack.

-Hello, everyone.

-Oh, don't move!

Don't move - I want to remember you just standing there.

Who, me?

Isn't he lovely?

-Sorry I'm late.

-You're dead on time.

-Mr Mainwaring was here first to help Mrs Fox out the bath.

-It was quite innocent, wasn't it, Mr Mainwaring?

-Totally innocent.

-Well, now Jack's here, I think we can start. Please all sit down.

MRS PIKE: Come and sit down, Arthur, and Frank.

Sit down, boy.

What are you doing?!

I'm very happy to announce that Mr Mainwaring is going to give me away.

Very nice! Frank! Give over, dear.

-And Mrs Pike has kindly consented to be matron of honour.

-And Mr Wilson's gonna be best man.

-You're best man?

-Yes.

-Well, write everything down or you'll forget it.

-Naturally, we won't be having a white wedding.

-Why not?

Cos there's a war on!

Now, the bride and the matron of honour will be in turquoise.

-What about the men?

-I'm gonna be wearing my regimental regalia with medals.

-Oh!

-That's very nice! I think all the men should be in uniform.

-With medals.

I don't think that's a good idea at all.

No, you see, cos Mr Mainwaring and me haven't got any medals, have we?

Arthur has.

That's got nothing to do with it. I think people are tired of uniform.

Oh, I don't agree. Let's put it to the vote.

Now, hands up for uniform and medals.

Put your hand down, boy. You know no...

Still seem to be out-voted.

Well, that's settled then. Now, the flowers.

Mildred, can't you get out of the bath on your own?

Everything's in order - I've checked it myself.

You can't rely on Wilson.

-Hello, Napoleon. I'm off to the church. Everything under control?

-Yes. I didn't know you were invited.

Course I am. I'm a friend of the bride.

All the guests are ready in church - shouldn't Mr Jones be there as well?

-It's five to.

-Is it so late? ..Jones!

There's no sign of Mr Wilson yet, and I'm getting meself in a state.

-Is it bad luck when the best man doesn't turn up?

-Damned inconvenient! You'd better get to the church.

He was ready when I left. He was rude to Mum, so she's had to put him in his place.

The bride will be here any second - we don't want you meeting. No, we don't!

That IS a bad omen! That IS...

Mr Jones, the church! Oh, yes, right.

-Remember! A clear understanding - no confetti!

-We understand, thank you.

I'm terribly sorry if I'm a little bit late.

I should jolly well think you are! Where have you bee...

-What's all this?

-I'm sorry, but you see, Mavis, Mrs Pike insisted - it's my uniform from the First World War.

She found it in an old tin trunk.

-It looks ridiculous.

-Yes. I wouldn't have put it on, but she'd hidden my trousers.

-An officer's uniform?

-That's right - I WAS an officer.

-You never told me.

-Well, you didn't ASK me. Anyway, it was unimportant.

-These pips denote a captain.

-I WAS a captain.

Well, I'm blessed! Doesn't count for anything now, you know.

-< Coo-ee! Mr Mainwaring?

-You'd better go to church. Try not to make a fool of yourself.

-All right, sir.

Well, you DO look a pretty pair!

-Thank you.

-What a lovely bride you make, Mrs Fox.

-Oh, won't be Mrs Fox much longer!

-No. No, indeed it won't.

-Right, well, we're ready when you are, Vicar.

-Off we go, then!

Remember, I want a solemn undertaking - no confetti!

Oh, COME ON!

Will you take my arm, Mrs Fox?

Mr Mainwaring, I think I'm going to cry!

Oh, DO try not to.

ORGAN PLAYS BRIDAL MARCH

Here they come!

CHEERS

No confetti! No confetti!

I'm gonna throw confetti, so ya boo sucks to you!

Here!

­ I thought you said no confetti!

I DID enjoy that! So did I.

Ach, it's a pagan ceremony, and in their case I should have thought, a complete waste of time.

Captain! The Colonel's been on the phone, sir -

-he wants the platoon on 30-minute

-standby. Thank you.

-Hear that? 30-minute standby - something's afoot.

-We're all here.

We'll keep it under our hats, but we ought to push things along.

-Start the speeches - keep yours short...and don't get drunk.

-What?

Have one of these, Miss Godfrey - it's cider.

I hope it won't make us tipsy. No. Here's to the bride and groom.

Probably YOUR turn next, Mr Godfrey!

-Charles NEARLY got married, didn't you?

-I wanted to.

It would never have done - her parents live in a bungalow!

-She married a farmer. I see her from time to time.

-Do you?

-She's a widow now.

-Is she?

Have another one, Miss Godfrey.

May I have your attention, please?

Pray silence for Captain Mainwaring, who is acting as the bride's father.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Jack and...ba...the...uh...Mildred.

-I'm not going to make a long speech.

-Good.

I've known Jack...many years.

-And he's the salt of the earth.

-Hear, hear!

-Yes.

He's loyal, he's brave, and he's very kind.

And I have no hesitation saying to you, M...uh...Mildred,

-he's the first man to turn to in any sort of trouble.

-She's not in trouble, Captain!

I wish you both the very best of luck, and may you be as happy as I have been with my own dear wife,

-who sadly can't be with us this afternoon.

-Where is she, then?

-Staying with her sister.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Jack and...and Mildred.

ALL: Jack and Mildred!

Speech! > ALL: Speech!

YOU've got to give the speech! YOU!

Oh, oh. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to thank Captain Mainwaring for saying all those kind things.

And also for standing in as the bride's father, which he isn't.

Thank you for coming along, and good health, everyone! ALL: Good health! Good luck!

-Your turn, now.

-What?

-Keep it short.

-But I don't have to speak at all.

Yes, you do. You have to toast the matron of honour.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr...Captain...Sergeant Wilson...

-..will now say a few words.

-Right.

Thank you. It's my pleasure to propose the toast of the bridesmaid, the matron of honour, I should say,

a lady whom I've known for a considerable number of years.

You are one of that happy band of women who give out so much affection

and love, which you don't always get in return.

Anyway, I think that hat you're wearing is very pretty - I like it.

Anyway, I'd like to propose now the health of the matron of honour.

ALL: Matron of honour!

We haven't cut the cake - whatever next?!

We'd forget our heads if they weren't screwed on. Where's my bayonet?

Captain - the colonel again. He wants to speak to you.

Come along, gather round.

CHATTER

-Now, here we go!

-No, no, no, no!

Oh, no - that's only cardboard!

There IS a war on, you know!

-Hello, sir. Mainwaring here.

-Ah. Everthing's a bit confused here.

-But all units are standing by.

-Good Lord! Has the balloon gone up?

Not yet, but barges are moving off the coast and the weather's right, so we can't take chances.

-Right, sir, I'll put my men at action stations.

-Good luck.

-Thank you, sir.

CHATTER

Ladies and gentlemen, order, please.

-KNOCKS ON TABLE

-May I have your attention a moment?

There's no cause for alarm, but I want members of the Home Guard to parade outside immediately, please.

-WOMEN GROAN

-Quickly as you can.

-Pick up your rifles on the way.

-What's going on, Napoleon?

-Contact your HQ - there's an invasion alert.

# There'll always be an England

# While there's a country lane... #

Bet you didn't think you were gonna spend your wedding night with me, did you, Mr Jones?

No, I did not, Pikey.

You were going to the Esplanade Hotel, Eastgate, weren't you?

Yeah. Never mind - duty comes first.

I wonder if they'll give me the deposit back on the room.

HALT! Who goes there?

It's me - Mrs Jones.

Mrs Jones? I dunno no Mrs Jones.

It's me, Jack! Me!

Oh! Mrs Jones, the butcher's wife!

-I thought I'd come and sit with you a while.

-Good idea.

Here, Pikey, you keep a good lookout,

and me and the missus will sit down and have a nice little chat.

And a nice little cuddle and all!

Oh, nothing like that, Pikey! Come on, my precious.

Oh, Jack!

When this is all over, Jack, can we go and live in a little cottage?

Yes, with roses round the door.

Oh, yes! And a big fridge in the kitchen.

-What d'you want a big fridge for?

-To keep all the big joints of meat in.

-After the war.

-Oh, yes. After the war!

Not that we won't have a joint or two before then, of course!

-'ALT! Who goes there?

-All right. Well done. Only us.

-Any sign of anything?

-No, it's ever so quiet.

-Where's Corporal Jones?

Where he should be on his wedding night - with his bride!

You stupid boy!

Here I am, Captain. I've been having a chat with the wife. I kept ever so alert though. I've sent her home.

All right. We found some champagne - we thought we'd drink your health.

-Hand out the glasses.

-I haven't brought any.

-What's the good of champagne without glasses?

-I thought you'd bring them.

-Where would I find glasses?

-Well...

There's a couple of mugs I brought for our cocoa.

-GODFREY: I've got my medicine glass.

-That'll do, then. Pour it.

-Right.

-There we are - gently.

-Keep a good lookout over the sea, boy. You're too young for champagne anyway.

Hello, what are you lot doing here?

In case you'd forgotten, there's an invasion alert on.

It was a false alarm! Stand-down was half an hour ago.

-Hitler won't be joining us?

-Just as well, with YOU guarding us!

-What does that mean?

-Well, I mean, look at you! What good would you be against REAL soldiers?

Cor - oh, dear! They'd walk straight through you!

Goodnight.

-Here, he's no business...

-All right. Don't take any notice of him, men.

-Here's to your future health.

-Yes, here's to you, Jonesy.

-Good luck!

-Mr Mainwaring? Warden wasn't right, was he, when he said they would walk straight through us?

-Of course not!

I know one thing - they're not walking straight through me! Nor me! I'll be beside you, Jonesy!

We'll all be beside you. We'll stick together - you can rely on that.

If anybody tries to take our homes or our freedom away, they'll find out what we can do - we'll fight.

-We're not alone - there are thousands all over England.

-And Scotland.

-And Scotland.

Across Great Britain. Men standing together.

Excuse me, sir, wouldn't it be a nice idea to pay tribute to them?

For once, Wilson, I agree with you. To Britain's Home Guard!

ALL: To Britain's Home Guard!