Number Engaged Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

# We are the boys who will make you think again,

# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,

# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun.

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

# If you think old England's done? #

-IDLE CHATTER

-Keep it down.

All right, settle down. Pay attention.

I apologise for the fact that we're packed in here like sardines.

It's Warden Hodges' turn to use the hall and there's nothing I can do.

Now, what I'm about to show you is highly secret.

-Uncover the board.

-Yes, sir.

-..One moment.

Clear off. Get out.

-Right.

-Sir.

Oh, yes. Awfully good, sir. Quite surprising.

All right. Thank you, Wilson (!)

Can anyone tell me what this is?

Are you going to write a song, sir?

That's a good idea - a platoon song.

-We had one in the Sudan...

-All right, Jones.

-#

-Oh, Lord Kitchener, he may look very odd,

-#

-In spite of what people say, I don't think he's a...

-#

-All right!

-Sorry, sir.

This is it, men. A secret invasion warning device has been set up along the coast.

Its purpose is to detect enemy boats and landing craft long before they reach the shore,

to give us the vital time needed to prepare our defences.

Now... All this information goes to GHQ along these wires,

which are patrolled by regular troops.

Next week, we take over the two-mile stretch in our area for 24 hours.

I needn't stress the responsibility that this task entails.

Any damage could affect the course of the war.

Sorry. I just want to finalise arrangements for Sunday's church parade.

It will have to be cancelled. We're on secret duties.

-They're only guarding some old telephone wires.

-How did you know?

See this white hat? Chief ARP Warden, that's how I know!

-We're sorry we can't come.

-I'll come to you. We'll have an open-air service.

We don't have any transport.

I'll run you out there.

Why don't you mind your own business?

All aboard.

We're ready to move on.

Thank you, Sergeant. Where's the relief? They're late.

-We'll have to take a diversion.

-Don't be absurd. Look at the map.

-Fancy a cup of tea, sir?

-Thank you.

Our destination is a mile down the road. We can't get through so we have to take the diversion.

-That's miles out of our way. We're late as it is. Pike!

-Yes?

-Take the sign down. We're going through.

-Is that wise?

I know the British workman. That's just to spin the job out. The road is sound.

-What about the pipes?

-If we drive fast enough, we won't feel it.

-You haven't got a scientific mind.

-Mind if I walk?

-Please yourself.

-Ready, Mr Mainwaring.

-Well done.

-Tea, sir.

-Thank you. Jones, back up and drive like hell.

Yes, sir. Back up and drive like hell.

Where's the relief? They're ten minutes late!

What's that dirty old van doing? Tell them to move on.

-Oi! Clear off! We're waiting for the relief force!

-We ARE the relief force!

-Here are your orders.

-Thank you.

-I must stress how important the telephone lines are. Guard them with your life.

-Yes, sir.

-By the way, why were you late?

-We had some trouble with the van.

So you got out and pushed it. It's certainly made you sweat. Carry on.

-Nice young chap.

-Jumped-up little upstart.

Right, men. Put your kit in the command post.

-What's that dreadful smell?

-It must come from all that rotting straw.

I suppose it's for muckspreading. Still, it's a healthy smell.

Stand by for orders.

You heard the officer. Stand by for orders at the double. At the double!

Troop now standing by at the double, sir.

-Frazer, you're in charge of cooking.

-There's just one thing, sir...

The porridge for tomorrow's breakfast will have to be put on soon, so it can simmer all night.

-Very well. Put it on.

-Well...

-If you want trout for supper, sir, I don't think I can put it on.

-I don't follow.

There's a well-stocked stream half a mile from here. That's why I brought my rod.

-But that's poaching!

-Oh, no. Fish are all right. It's only poaching if it's beasts and birds.

-Fine.

-That's absurd!

-Frazer knows what he's talking about. He's a countryman, not a townie like you.

-My cousin had a gamekeeper and he said...

-I'm not interested in this snobbish rubbish.

There's a war on. We're entitled to live off the land.

-We have corned beef.

-I don't like corned beef.

Go on, Frazer. Pike!

You cook the porridge.

We don't want watery porridge. It's one jug of water to one mug of porridge for every man. Got that?

One jug, one mug. Clever boy.

Now, sleeping arrangements.

Control yourselves!

We're not a rabble.

Stand back! What are you playing at?

-I'll take the top bunk. Captain Mainwaring will take the bottom.

-Just a minute!

Who gave you permission to decide?

This is a democratic unit. We make decisions in a democratic manner.

-Right?

-Right.

-That means

-I

-take the top and you take the bottom.

-How's the porridge going?

-Simmering along nicely.

A bit thick, though.

Well, we don't want runny porridge. Porridge is good stuff, isn't it?

I remember when I was in the Sudan. We marched through the desert for days. We were exhausted.

A Scottish soldier fell on the ground and we all halted. General Kitchener rode up on his horse.

"What's going on?", he says...

Why is it whenever you talk about Kitchener, you put your hand on your hip?

That's the way he used to stand. All haughty.

-Like that?

-Like that.

Why?

I don't want to go into it now. Where was I ? You made me lose me thread.

-Scottish soldier lying on the ground.

-..He was on the ground.

He looked up and he says, "Och aye! Och aye!", he ejaculated.

"I cannae go on! I cannae go on!" That's Scottish for "I can't go on."

-"Stuff and nonsense", says General Kitchener...

-You did it again!

-"..Stuff and nonsense!

"Think of your national hero, Robert the Bruce. He was lying in a cave, about to give in.

"Then he saw a spider trying to climb to the ceiling. It tried 50 times until it succeeded.

"Robert the Bruce was determined to succeed like that spider."

The Scotsman jumped up. "Yaroo! Yaroo!" He jumped up and down.

"That's better", said Kitchener. "That story lifted your morale."

But it wasn't the story that lifted it. A scorpion climbed up his kilt.

-What's that got to do with porridge ?!

-..I don't know.

-Just think, Mr Jones. All those telephone wires carrying all those secret messages.

-Yeah...

..All them secret messages.

Coming to the pictures with me tomorrow night, Doreen?

No. You're all hands!

-Come on. Be a sport.

-All right... if you promise to behave yourself.

-Great! Where will we go - the Regal or the Odeon?

-I don't know.

Just think, Pikey. Going along them lines at this very moment...

-..there are decisions being made that could alter the course of the war.

-Yeah.

Come on, Doreen. Make up your mind.

-I'm not fussy. You decide.

-Right, then.

The Regal. It's darker.

DISTANT BOMBS AND SIRENS

Here they come again! Go and wake Mr Mainwaring.

-Don't shout and give him a start. Wake him quietly.

-All right.

GENTLE VOICE: Mr Mainwaring...

Mr Mainwaring...

..There's an air raid...

You've shrunk.

THERE'S AN AIR RAID !

-Get me out!

-Hang on.

Get me out of here!

-Nothing like a good breakfast.

-The porridge is a bit thick.

-He's done well, considering he's never made porridge before.

-Mr Mainwaring...

-Don't talk with your mouth full.

-What shall I do with all the porridge left over?

-What are you talking about?

-Come and have a look.

Why did you make so much ?! There's enough for 100 men!

I only did what Mr Frazer said. One jug of oats to one mug of water.

I said one MUG of oats to one JUG of water!

..You stupid boy.

-The vicar's coming.

-I forgot all about that.

Let's get it over with. Jones, assemble the men for a service.

Gather round at the double!

Take these. Yes, Your Reverence.

I'll help you out, Vicar.

-'Morning, Vicar.

-'Morning, Mr Mainwaring.

Hand the prayer books out, Mr Yeatman.

I'll go for a smoke and come back later.

Don't you need spiritual uplift?

Mind your own business, Napoleon.

Please stay, Mr Hodges - for my sake.

Come join the flock.

Brethren, we are gathered together in the true spirit of comradeship and brotherhood.

Let us give thought to those things above that control our destiny.

Let us raise our faces to heaven and give thanks.

-Good Lord!

-He is indeed, Captain Mainwaring.

Heavens above! I'LL do the praying!

-There's a bomb on the wire! Don't panic!

-Take cover!

Good heavens!

-How did it get there?

-It must have happened in the raid last night.

-It might blow up.

-Only if it hits the ground with considerable force.

-If it slips, the explosion could bring down the pole and the wires.

-Shall I inform GHQ ?

No, we'll handle it. But we should tell the Post Office.

There's a phone box a mile away. Shall I sprint down there and phone?

-Stay where you are, Godfrey.

-I'll take my van.

-No. I want you here. Sponge!

-You go.

-Right, Captain Mainwaring.

You be careful with my van, Sponge!

-Where were you? You've been gone over an hour!

-I'm sorry, Captain.

-After I phoned, the van wouldn't start. I had to run back.

-What have you done to my van ?!

-Quiet, Jones.

-What did the telephone people say?

-They'll send a team of experts right away.

-Perhaps that's him now.

Does he look like a team of experts from the GPO (?)

-'Morning. GPO.

-Where's the team of experts?

I may not be an expert, but I know what I'm doing.

What are you doing about THAT ?

No, no, no. That's outside of my territory. I'll have to report back.

-You refuse to go up?

-That's right.

Then I'll requisition your ladder.

Jones, Pike, set it up.

Look here, my man. I don't like your attitude. I'll report you to your superiors.

You can report me to Winston Churchill (!)

Ready, Mr Mainwaring.

-You stupid boy!

-It's not my fault the ladder's too short.

Come out of the danger area.

-Where's the rest of the ladder?

-There is no more.

-Then how do you get up a pole?

-Use the leg irons.

-Get them.

-Right.

-You can't get up with leg irons.

-I'll be the judge of that.

We'll tie a rope around the bomb and lower it to the ground.

Now, men... I'm not asking for volunteers. I'M going up the pole.

..Like a monkey on a stick!

Captain Mainwaring...

You're too young to die. Let me go!

Thank you, Jones. But I must go.

I forgot to tell you. You can't walk in them. They're only for climbing.

Pike, carry me.

-By myself?!

-Hodges, help Pike carry me.

I will not. I'm a non-combatant!

-I order you to carry me!

-Why don't you shoot him? Go on.

-Shoot him!

-I think he's yellow!

-ALL: He's yellow!

All right! I'll do it!

Keep back, all of you. We don't want to risk too many lives.

Forward!

Give me the rope, Wilson. I'll have this bomb down in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

You stupid boy! It's supposed to be slack!

You've got my scarf!

Look what you've done!

Wait... I've got a better idea.

Jam the irons in hard, sir.

Look what you've done!

Off you go, Frazer.

Right... Left.

..Left.

Left... Right... Pull harder, Frazer!

Want any help?

Tell him to go about his business.

-Would you move on, please?

-I only asked if you wanted help!

-We don't. Clear off.

-Very nice (!)

Ask a civil question and get a load of blasted cheek! Want to borrow a safety pin?

- Get out! - More blasted abuse! I'm going!

..As soon as I get these blasted gears sorted out. Get in! Get blasted in!

Permission to speak, sir.

I've got an idea. Why don't we take the furniture on that van and pile it up until it reaches the bomb?

-Well done. Wilson, stop that man.

-..Sir.

That's the best I can blasted do.

Right. Up you go, boy.

I'm not going up. It's all wobbly!

Let me go up that wobbly tower of furniture!

If not for my rheumatics, I'd be shinning up there!

If I'd good eyesight I'd be up there like a shot!

-Aren't you ashamed of yourself, boy?

-Show us what you're made of.

You'll see what I'm made of. I'll be spread all over the road!

..All right. I'll go.

Uncle Arthur, Mum will hear about this!

Go on, Frank.

Get on!

It's not high enough, Mr Mainwaring. It's not high enough!

-Let's jack it up.

-We're not giving up now.

-I mean jack the lorry up!

I see. Very good idea. Get a jack.

I hope you know what you're doing! Five blasted pounds this blasted furniture cost me!

Hold on tight. We're lifting you up.

THEY GRUNT WITH EFFORT

Higher... Up.

Up...

..Up!

Can't you do anything right, boy?

What's my Mum going to say?

-It's no use.

-I think I have a solution.

Remember yesterday when the road was up, and you told me I hadn't got a scientific mind?

-And then we had to drive over... And the tea...?

-Get on with it!

There was a crane there. Let's use that.

Good idea. Frazer, Sponge - go get the crane.

Good luck, Jonesy.

-Good luck, Jones.

-Thank you, sir.

-Take it away!

I can't reach it, sir. I'll have to climb onto the pole.

Be careful, Jones! That man's as brave as a lion.

Ah, that's better. I'll just work it loose...

I've got it, sir!

I've got it.

..I'd best get it back...

If I can just hang on to it for a minute...

Ooh! Oh!

I don't think I can hold it, sir!

It's going!

-Lucky you made all that porridge!

-I'm not such a stupid boy after all.

-No. Sorry, Pike.

-Good job we didn't have kippers for breakfast!

How am I going to get down ?!

-We'll think of something.

-What if I get a shock ?!

-You can't get a shock unless someone makes a phone call.

-Permission to speak, sir...

I think someone's on the line now!