Number Engaged Dad's Army


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Number Engaged

Classic wartime sitcom. Mainwaring's motley crew is put in charge of a vital telephone line. They awake to find a bomb enmeshed in the wires.


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

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# We are the boys who will make you think again,

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# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,

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# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun.

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done? #

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-IDLE CHATTER

-Keep it down.

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All right, settle down. Pay attention.

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I apologise for the fact that we're packed in here like sardines.

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It's Warden Hodges' turn to use the hall and there's nothing I can do.

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Now, what I'm about to show you is highly secret.

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-Uncover the board.

-Yes, sir.

-..One moment.

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Clear off. Get out.

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-Right.

-Sir.

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Oh, yes. Awfully good, sir. Quite surprising.

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All right. Thank you, Wilson (!)

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Can anyone tell me what this is?

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Are you going to write a song, sir?

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That's a good idea - a platoon song.

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-We had one in the Sudan...

-All right, Jones.

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-#

-Oh, Lord Kitchener, he may look very odd,

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-#

-In spite of what people say, I don't think he's a...

-#

-All right!

-Sorry, sir.

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This is it, men. A secret invasion warning device has been set up along the coast.

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Its purpose is to detect enemy boats and landing craft long before they reach the shore,

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to give us the vital time needed to prepare our defences.

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Now... All this information goes to GHQ along these wires,

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which are patrolled by regular troops.

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Next week, we take over the two-mile stretch in our area for 24 hours.

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I needn't stress the responsibility that this task entails.

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Any damage could affect the course of the war.

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Sorry. I just want to finalise arrangements for Sunday's church parade.

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It will have to be cancelled. We're on secret duties.

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-They're only guarding some old telephone wires.

-How did you know?

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See this white hat? Chief ARP Warden, that's how I know!

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-We're sorry we can't come.

-I'll come to you. We'll have an open-air service.

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We don't have any transport.

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I'll run you out there.

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Why don't you mind your own business?

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All aboard.

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We're ready to move on.

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Thank you, Sergeant. Where's the relief? They're late.

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-We'll have to take a diversion.

-Don't be absurd. Look at the map.

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-Fancy a cup of tea, sir?

-Thank you.

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Our destination is a mile down the road. We can't get through so we have to take the diversion.

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-That's miles out of our way. We're late as it is. Pike!

-Yes?

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-Take the sign down. We're going through.

-Is that wise?

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I know the British workman. That's just to spin the job out. The road is sound.

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-What about the pipes?

-If we drive fast enough, we won't feel it.

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-You haven't got a scientific mind.

-Mind if I walk?

-Please yourself.

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-Ready, Mr Mainwaring.

-Well done.

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-Tea, sir.

-Thank you. Jones, back up and drive like hell.

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Yes, sir. Back up and drive like hell.

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Where's the relief? They're ten minutes late!

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What's that dirty old van doing? Tell them to move on.

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-Oi! Clear off! We're waiting for the relief force!

-We ARE the relief force!

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-Here are your orders.

-Thank you.

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-I must stress how important the telephone lines are. Guard them with your life.

-Yes, sir.

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-By the way, why were you late?

-We had some trouble with the van.

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So you got out and pushed it. It's certainly made you sweat. Carry on.

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-Nice young chap.

-Jumped-up little upstart.

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Right, men. Put your kit in the command post.

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-What's that dreadful smell?

-It must come from all that rotting straw.

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I suppose it's for muckspreading. Still, it's a healthy smell.

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Stand by for orders.

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You heard the officer. Stand by for orders at the double. At the double!

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Troop now standing by at the double, sir.

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-Frazer, you're in charge of cooking.

-There's just one thing, sir...

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The porridge for tomorrow's breakfast will have to be put on soon, so it can simmer all night.

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-Very well. Put it on.

-Well...

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-If you want trout for supper, sir, I don't think I can put it on.

-I don't follow.

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There's a well-stocked stream half a mile from here. That's why I brought my rod.

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-But that's poaching!

-Oh, no. Fish are all right. It's only poaching if it's beasts and birds.

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-Fine.

-That's absurd!

-Frazer knows what he's talking about. He's a countryman, not a townie like you.

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-My cousin had a gamekeeper and he said...

-I'm not interested in this snobbish rubbish.

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There's a war on. We're entitled to live off the land.

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-We have corned beef.

-I don't like corned beef.

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Go on, Frazer. Pike!

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You cook the porridge.

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We don't want watery porridge. It's one jug of water to one mug of porridge for every man. Got that?

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One jug, one mug. Clever boy.

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Now, sleeping arrangements.

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Control yourselves!

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We're not a rabble.

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Stand back! What are you playing at?

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-I'll take the top bunk. Captain Mainwaring will take the bottom.

-Just a minute!

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Who gave you permission to decide?

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This is a democratic unit. We make decisions in a democratic manner.

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-Right?

-Right.

-That means

-I

-take the top and you take the bottom.

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-How's the porridge going?

-Simmering along nicely.

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A bit thick, though.

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Well, we don't want runny porridge. Porridge is good stuff, isn't it?

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I remember when I was in the Sudan. We marched through the desert for days. We were exhausted.

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A Scottish soldier fell on the ground and we all halted. General Kitchener rode up on his horse.

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"What's going on?", he says...

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Why is it whenever you talk about Kitchener, you put your hand on your hip?

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That's the way he used to stand. All haughty.

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-Like that?

-Like that.

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Why?

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I don't want to go into it now. Where was I ? You made me lose me thread.

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-Scottish soldier lying on the ground.

-..He was on the ground.

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He looked up and he says, "Och aye! Och aye!", he ejaculated.

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"I cannae go on! I cannae go on!" That's Scottish for "I can't go on."

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-"Stuff and nonsense", says General Kitchener...

-You did it again!

-"..Stuff and nonsense!

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"Think of your national hero, Robert the Bruce. He was lying in a cave, about to give in.

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"Then he saw a spider trying to climb to the ceiling. It tried 50 times until it succeeded.

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"Robert the Bruce was determined to succeed like that spider."

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The Scotsman jumped up. "Yaroo! Yaroo!" He jumped up and down.

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"That's better", said Kitchener. "That story lifted your morale."

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But it wasn't the story that lifted it. A scorpion climbed up his kilt.

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-What's that got to do with porridge ?!

-..I don't know.

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-Just think, Mr Jones. All those telephone wires carrying all those secret messages.

-Yeah...

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..All them secret messages.

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Coming to the pictures with me tomorrow night, Doreen?

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No. You're all hands!

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-Come on. Be a sport.

-All right... if you promise to behave yourself.

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-Great! Where will we go - the Regal or the Odeon?

-I don't know.

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Just think, Pikey. Going along them lines at this very moment...

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-..there are decisions being made that could alter the course of the war.

-Yeah.

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Come on, Doreen. Make up your mind.

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-I'm not fussy. You decide.

-Right, then.

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The Regal. It's darker.

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DISTANT BOMBS AND SIRENS

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Here they come again! Go and wake Mr Mainwaring.

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-Don't shout and give him a start. Wake him quietly.

-All right.

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GENTLE VOICE: Mr Mainwaring...

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Mr Mainwaring...

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..There's an air raid...

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You've shrunk.

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THERE'S AN AIR RAID !

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-Get me out!

-Hang on.

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Get me out of here!

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-Nothing like a good breakfast.

-The porridge is a bit thick.

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-He's done well, considering he's never made porridge before.

-Mr Mainwaring...

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-Don't talk with your mouth full.

-What shall I do with all the porridge left over?

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-What are you talking about?

-Come and have a look.

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Why did you make so much ?! There's enough for 100 men!

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I only did what Mr Frazer said. One jug of oats to one mug of water.

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I said one MUG of oats to one JUG of water!

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..You stupid boy.

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-The vicar's coming.

-I forgot all about that.

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Let's get it over with. Jones, assemble the men for a service.

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Gather round at the double!

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Take these. Yes, Your Reverence.

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I'll help you out, Vicar.

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-'Morning, Vicar.

-'Morning, Mr Mainwaring.

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Hand the prayer books out, Mr Yeatman.

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I'll go for a smoke and come back later.

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Don't you need spiritual uplift?

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Mind your own business, Napoleon.

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Please stay, Mr Hodges - for my sake.

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Come join the flock.

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Brethren, we are gathered together in the true spirit of comradeship and brotherhood.

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Let us give thought to those things above that control our destiny.

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Let us raise our faces to heaven and give thanks.

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-Good Lord!

-He is indeed, Captain Mainwaring.

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Heavens above! I'LL do the praying!

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-There's a bomb on the wire! Don't panic!

-Take cover!

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Good heavens!

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-How did it get there?

-It must have happened in the raid last night.

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-It might blow up.

-Only if it hits the ground with considerable force.

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-If it slips, the explosion could bring down the pole and the wires.

-Shall I inform GHQ ?

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No, we'll handle it. But we should tell the Post Office.

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There's a phone box a mile away. Shall I sprint down there and phone?

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-Stay where you are, Godfrey.

-I'll take my van.

-No. I want you here. Sponge!

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-You go.

-Right, Captain Mainwaring.

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You be careful with my van, Sponge!

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-Where were you? You've been gone over an hour!

-I'm sorry, Captain.

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-After I phoned, the van wouldn't start. I had to run back.

-What have you done to my van ?!

-Quiet, Jones.

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-What did the telephone people say?

-They'll send a team of experts right away.

-Perhaps that's him now.

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Does he look like a team of experts from the GPO (?)

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-'Morning. GPO.

-Where's the team of experts?

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I may not be an expert, but I know what I'm doing.

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What are you doing about THAT ?

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No, no, no. That's outside of my territory. I'll have to report back.

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-You refuse to go up?

-That's right.

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Then I'll requisition your ladder.

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Jones, Pike, set it up.

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Look here, my man. I don't like your attitude. I'll report you to your superiors.

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You can report me to Winston Churchill (!)

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Ready, Mr Mainwaring.

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-You stupid boy!

-It's not my fault the ladder's too short.

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Come out of the danger area.

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-Where's the rest of the ladder?

-There is no more.

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-Then how do you get up a pole?

-Use the leg irons.

-Get them.

-Right.

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-You can't get up with leg irons.

-I'll be the judge of that.

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We'll tie a rope around the bomb and lower it to the ground.

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Now, men... I'm not asking for volunteers. I'M going up the pole.

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..Like a monkey on a stick!

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Captain Mainwaring...

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You're too young to die. Let me go!

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Thank you, Jones. But I must go.

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I forgot to tell you. You can't walk in them. They're only for climbing.

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Pike, carry me.

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-By myself?!

-Hodges, help Pike carry me.

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I will not. I'm a non-combatant!

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-I order you to carry me!

-Why don't you shoot him? Go on.

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-Shoot him!

-I think he's yellow!

-ALL: He's yellow!

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All right! I'll do it!

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Keep back, all of you. We don't want to risk too many lives.

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Forward!

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Give me the rope, Wilson. I'll have this bomb down in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

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You stupid boy! It's supposed to be slack!

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You've got my scarf!

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Look what you've done!

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Wait... I've got a better idea.

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Jam the irons in hard, sir.

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Look what you've done!

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Off you go, Frazer.

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Right... Left.

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..Left.

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Left... Right... Pull harder, Frazer!

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Want any help?

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Tell him to go about his business.

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-Would you move on, please?

-I only asked if you wanted help!

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-We don't. Clear off.

-Very nice (!)

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Ask a civil question and get a load of blasted cheek! Want to borrow a safety pin?

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- Get out! - More blasted abuse! I'm going!

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..As soon as I get these blasted gears sorted out. Get in! Get blasted in!

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Permission to speak, sir.

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I've got an idea. Why don't we take the furniture on that van and pile it up until it reaches the bomb?

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-Well done. Wilson, stop that man.

-..Sir.

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That's the best I can blasted do.

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Right. Up you go, boy.

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I'm not going up. It's all wobbly!

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Let me go up that wobbly tower of furniture!

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If not for my rheumatics, I'd be shinning up there!

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If I'd good eyesight I'd be up there like a shot!

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-Aren't you ashamed of yourself, boy?

-Show us what you're made of.

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You'll see what I'm made of. I'll be spread all over the road!

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..All right. I'll go.

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Uncle Arthur, Mum will hear about this!

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Go on, Frank.

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Get on!

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It's not high enough, Mr Mainwaring. It's not high enough!

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-Let's jack it up.

-We're not giving up now.

-I mean jack the lorry up!

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I see. Very good idea. Get a jack.

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I hope you know what you're doing! Five blasted pounds this blasted furniture cost me!

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Hold on tight. We're lifting you up.

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THEY GRUNT WITH EFFORT

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Higher... Up.

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Up...

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..Up!

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Can't you do anything right, boy?

0:25:120:25:15

What's my Mum going to say?

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-It's no use.

-I think I have a solution.

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Remember yesterday when the road was up, and you told me I hadn't got a scientific mind?

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-And then we had to drive over... And the tea...?

-Get on with it!

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There was a crane there. Let's use that.

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Good idea. Frazer, Sponge - go get the crane.

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Good luck, Jonesy.

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-Good luck, Jones.

-Thank you, sir.

-Take it away!

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I can't reach it, sir. I'll have to climb onto the pole.

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Be careful, Jones! That man's as brave as a lion.

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Ah, that's better. I'll just work it loose...

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I've got it, sir!

0:27:030:27:05

I've got it.

0:27:050:27:07

..I'd best get it back...

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If I can just hang on to it for a minute...

0:27:200:27:24

Ooh! Oh!

0:27:240:27:28

I don't think I can hold it, sir!

0:27:290:27:32

It's going!

0:27:390:27:42

-Lucky you made all that porridge!

-I'm not such a stupid boy after all.

0:27:500:27:56

-No. Sorry, Pike.

-Good job we didn't have kippers for breakfast!

0:27:560:28:01

How am I going to get down ?!

0:28:010:28:05

-We'll think of something.

-What if I get a shock ?!

0:28:050:28:09

-You can't get a shock unless someone makes a phone call.

-Permission to speak, sir...

0:28:090:28:16

I think someone's on the line now!

0:28:160:28:19