The Miser's Hoard Dad's Army


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The Miser's Hoard

Classic wartime sitcom. Frazer keeps his savings in gold sovereigns. Mainwaring thinks the money should be in a safe place, such as a bank - his bank.


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

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# We are the boys who will make you think again.

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun!

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done? #

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James...Frazer.

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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"Dear Mrs Pickering,

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"I hope the funeral arrangements for your late husband were satisfactory.

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"May I say how sorry I was that the hearse ran out of petrol just outside the cemetery.

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"I'm sure your dear departed husband would have been proud of the way you helped push him to his resting place.

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"And what a fine, strong woman your mother is.

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"I hope you managed to get the mud off her skirt.

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"I include my final account."

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Let me see... "One solid oak coffin, £4.15s.3d. One set of brass handles, 13s.6d.

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"Transport fare, £3.14s.2d."

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That makes an allowance of £2...

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..no, for 32s - for the lost 120 yards!

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"Total: £9.2s.11d."

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Profit... Let me see. Profit: £3.6s.8¾d.

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Total profit for the week:

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£18.17s.2d!

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Less 6s.1d housekeeping.

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Not bad!

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Not bad at all.

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I'll have a small herring tomorrow as a wee treat,

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and I'll be able to buy two more...

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golden sovereigns.

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That'll make... Let me see.

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100, 200, 300, 400, 500 and...

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..one, two, three, four.

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Five hundred and four pounds and three shillings!

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In present currency...

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..that's valued at...

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..three thousand one hundred and two pounds,

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and four shillings.

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LOUD KNOCKS

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Oh... Oh, mercy. Mercy...

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Who...who's there?

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< It's me, Dr McCeavedy.

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Hold on a wee minute, Doctor.

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I...I... Oh, dear!

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I'll be with you in a minute, son.

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LOUD CLATTER OF COINS

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I WON'T BE LONG!

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I'm just done. I'll be with you, man.

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It IS him.

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Doctor, come in, man.

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There you are! I was just listening to ITMA.

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Ah! I've come about old Mr Brewster.

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- Has his time come? - Aye. God rest him.

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Dear, oh, dear! I'll go along and make the arrangements.

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I came straight here. He only went 20 minutes ago.

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Oh!

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Enough time for a wee dram!

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- Sit down, Doctor. - You're kind.

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Man, you're welcome! Welcome!

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As welcome as...the flu in spring!

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No...?

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Ah, to hell with it! Here.

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- Long may your cup be full. - Hear, hear!

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- Doing the books, are you? - Aye.

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Look at that! 6s.4d. It's hardly worthwhile!

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It's a hard life. Well, I'll be off, then.

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Great Scott! They're sovereigns! Hundreds of gold sovereigns!

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Is that a fact?

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I wonder...

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I wonder how they got there.

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It's almost beyond belief, Doctor.

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I saw it myself. He's not my patient, so I'm breaching no confidence,

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but I'm of the opinion that he's a trifle unstable.

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Well, we've found him a little unpredictable, haven't we, Wilson?

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Sir, I think he's very predictable.

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Every time we decide to do anything, he says it'll be a total disaster!

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The point is, if anything happens to that gold, it'll surely turn his mind.

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-You need to persuade him to put it...in some place of safety.

-Yes.

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Thank you for the gen, Doctor. I'll do my best for him, count on that.

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Thank you, Doctor. Goodbye.

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-What do you make of it?

-I don't see that it's our business.

-Yes, it is!

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He's a comrade-in-arms, as well as a client of the bank.

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It's my duty as his CO, his banker and his friend

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to tell him to sell the sovereigns and buy an annuity.

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So that you get a commission.

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I... That's nothing to do with it!

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-Mr Mainwaring.

-Yes?

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-Mr Frazer's statement.

-Thank you.

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Look at that. The poor man's only got £15.6s.8d!

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We should have a collection for him.

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-You could organise it, Mr Mainwaring.

-Quiet, Pike.

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-£15.6s.8d. and he's sitting on hundreds of them.

-Hundreds of what?

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Mind your own business, Pike.

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-Take your thumb out of your mouth!

-Sorry!

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-I don't think he uses this account from one year's end to the next!

-Is it coffins?

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-Is WHAT coffins?

-What Mr Frazer's sitting on.

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You know, Wilson, I think it's illegal to possess more than five of these.

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-Doesn't sound like coffins.

-They're meant to be used to buy battleships.

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Not coffins...

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Handles!

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-Is it coffin handles?

-Quiet, Frank!

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-But am I getting warmer?

-Now, stop! Just stop it!

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-I don't trust him. Eyes very close together.

-Are they? I've never noticed.

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It denotes a mean streak.

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I don't think it's fair to say Mr Frazer's mean!

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-No?

-Last Friday, he let me have three bags of crisps!

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He said they were valuable - the real pre-war things!

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-He made you pay for them?

-Yes, but not the black market price!

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How this boy got his school certificate, I'll never know!

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They weren't bad. A bit soggy, but the salt was as dry as a bone!

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-Go away, Pike.

-PIKE MUMBLES

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-..and the bag went "Pop"!

-Get out!

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I'll talk to Frazer tomorrow.

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Well, if Frank's fool enough to buy worn out bags of crisps, I really don't see that it's our business.

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I'm not talking about crisps!

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Do try not to let your mind wander!

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What he's doing with these sovereigns is sheer folly!

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He's obstinate. He'll send you away with your tail between your legs!

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I don't often get sent away with my tail between my legs!

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-Shall I drop a few hints?

-No, I'll deal with it. I'll be very tactful.

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I'll bring it up on parade tonight.

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Silence in the ranks. Stop talking!

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Silence in the ranks! Private Pike! Private Pike!

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Stop now, or you'll be on a fizzer for conduct to the prejudice, and not having silence in the ranks.

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-I was just finishing my sentence!

-There won't be time for that when Mr Bosche German starts invading!

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He's not here now, is he? Whisht, man!

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Let the fool get on, or we'll be here all night!

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We're going to practise doing things in our gas masks.

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Excuse me. 'Respirators'.

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-What was that?

-Captain Mainwaring likes us to call them respirators.

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That's as may be. The thing is:

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we must practise so much, that everything we do normally, we can do in our gas masks.

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-Respirators!

-Silence!

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Now, the thing is this -

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one day we'll be going about as usual, when suddenly, Hitler lets it off!

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Are we down-hearted? No!

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We just put on our gas respirator, and carry on.

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Everything we can do ordinarily, we can do wearing one of these! I can go on working in my shop,

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Pikey can go on banking, Frazer can do funerals,

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and Mr Godfrey can go to the clinic!

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They couldn't take my temperature.

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No. Perhaps you could go back.

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You could have it taken later, couldn't you?

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-Can you eat?

-No. That's right. You can't eat. But you can do everything else!

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-Can you drink?

-No. No, that's right. No, you can't drink...

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-I can't clean my teeth.

-Well, who wants to clean their teeth, with Hitler gassing all over?

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You can't smoke a cigarette. It'll get pushed down your throat!

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The fool's talking nonsense! There's hundreds of things you can't do!

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Silence in the ranks! Mr Frazer, I'll have you for insubordination!

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What we must do first is practise doing things in our gas masks.

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-Respirators!

-Godfrey, I'll have you doubling round the church hall 50 times!

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Now, then. First of all, I'm going to teach you how to fix bayonets!

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On the command 'Gas', I shall put on my respirator mask.

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Right! Ga-a-as!

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The thing to do when you hear that command is to hold your breath and get this on as quickly as you can!

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Get it on as quickly as you can.

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MUFFLED WORDS

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HE WHEEZES

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Heurghh!

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Then you get your rifle in your left hand,

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and your bayonet...

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-Jones, what are you doing?

-Argh!

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Heurghh!

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Heurghh!

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-MUFFLED:

-I'm showing them how to fix bayonets in their gas masks.

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Take it off!

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I'M TRYING...

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-..to fix a bayonet in my gas mask.

-Respirator.

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-We kept telling him!

-Quiet, Pike.

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-Fall the men in.

-Aye, sir. Fall in, please, in three ranks.

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Quickly.

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I'll speak to the men about money and security - on a broad basis.

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How lovely.

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Now, we'll soon see if Frazer gives himself away. All right?

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Before you're dismissed, I want to have a word with you about savings.

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As you know, this war is costing millions every day.

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I expect you've worked hard all your lives...

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Yes, sir.

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When I was ten, I got up at five to follow the milkman and his horse.

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Every time the milkman stopped, he said, "Hang on to that horse!" And he wasn't a nice horse.

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In the winter, in the cold, he used to stamp his feet and tread on my toes.

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In the summer, with all the flies, he'd toss his head and toss me over.

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If I let go, I got a clip round the ear. I only got tuppence a week. But it was a good life!

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Now, we must get our money to work for us.

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-Isn't that right?

-Yes, certainly.

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So, we must make our money work for us.

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Some people put notes in mattresses. This is foolhardy.

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My mum keeps a lot concealed about her person. She says nobody will find it - least of all Uncle Arthur.

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Would you be quiet, Frank!

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My sister, Dolly, keeps a bit in an old teapot. It has a broken spout.

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Ooh! You must take a firm line over that, Godfrey.

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She must put it into a bank.

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Captain, are you touting for business?

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I'm just giving you some advice.

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There's also risk involved. You may have a bomb fall on you, or an incendiary, or a burglary.

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Burglars, of course, will be particularly looking out for GOLD.

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Ahh!

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Not that I expect you chaps to have much gold about,

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but if you have... then it's your patriotic duty to sell it and help the war effort.

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And put the money in your bank!

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Not necessarily, no. Right. That's all.

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Squad, attention!

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Dismiss!

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-Come with me, will you, Wilson?

-Yes, sir.

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-I think that was very well done.

-Oh, yes, sir.

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-I handled that very subtly.

-Very diplomatically.

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I don't think Frazer suspected that I was referring to him. Do you?

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No. But I must say that when you mentioned gold, he jumped ever-so-slightly out of his skin.

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He had no inkling that I knew.

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-Not at all.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

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Enter!

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There's just one thing I want to say to you.

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If you think you're going to get your hands on my gold, you can think again!

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I don't trust banks! I don't trust bankers! And I don't trust YOU! That's all I want to say. Thank you.

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There! Seven pounds of King Edwards. Sixpence.

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Next!

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I hear you've got onions. Shh! You'll have everyone here!

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You can have half a pound, cos you're a regular.

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Vicar! We don't often see you here! We don't often see onions here!

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Shh!

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You can have half a pound, but only on condition that you cut your sermons to eight minutes!

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That includes getting in and out!

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Here! Shove 'em under your cassock and look holy!

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Here! Here!

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Have you heard the scandal about Frazer?

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- Is there a woman involved? - You shouldn't listen to gossip!

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- What's he done? - He's hoarding gold coins. You can't move for them!

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I'll get him to contribute to the church fabric fund!

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You'll be lucky! He owes me 13s.6d. I've asked for it till I'm blue. I'll have to county court him!

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Parsimony is a sin, if carried to excess, isn't it?

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I've never given it much thought.

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He can't take it with him!

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He'll put it in his coffin, like the Vikings did!

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What a waste! I'll go and see him!

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Hello, Operator? Are you still getting no reply?

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Well, I don't understand it, but thank you for trying. Goodbye.

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-Th...thank you!

-I don't understand this at all.

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Frazer's never missed a parade! Have you had any luck?

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-HE SLURS:

-He wasn't...at the Horse and Hound.

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And he ha...hasn't been at the Fox, because we made enquiries.

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-We also enquired at the Red Lion, the Marquis of...

-Frank!

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..the Goat, the Fox and Pheasant, and the Black Horse, and what Mum will say I just do not know!

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-Sit down, Wilson!

-Thank you, sir.

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-He wasn't at Charlie's cafe either.

-We had a black coffee there, which hasn't helped!

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We're supposed to be off duty!

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Damn good job for you that you are! Sit there until you sober up a bit.

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Or the men will know you're drunk.

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-Frank, the gallant captain is cross with me!

-Sshh!

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He wasn't in the library, sir, and he wasn't answering his door.

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-But he took his milk in, so he's got nourishment.

-He wasn't at the Whist Drive.

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He's probably with a floozy in some gambling den in darkest Walmington!

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PHONE RINGS

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Home Guard.

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Captain Mainwaring?

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Frazer, why aren't you on parade?

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I'm not coming. It's all YOUR fault!

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There's folk hammering on my door,

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even that pilly, wally Vicar!

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Well, mark this. None of you are going to get your hands on my gold!

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I'm putting it...where none of you will ever FIND it!

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Nobody wants your gold! All we're... Hello?

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Hello?

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Hello? He put the receiver down.

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-Was he in a call box?

-No, I didn't hear the tuppence go.

-He's at home.

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What is he going to do?

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I know what I'd do in his shoes.

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I'd get my gold and melt it down. And when it was hot and bubbly, I'd put it in a mould to make a vessel.

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Then I'd paint it white, and put it somewhere where it didn't notice.

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You mean you'd make it into a vase de nuit?

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What's that?

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Vase de nuit.

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It's French.

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-I'm aware that it's French!

-It...it means, literally, night vase.

-Night vase?!

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-Tiddly pot!

-What was that?

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-We had them in the dorm at school. We called them tiddly pots.

-Quiet!

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I saw a film called "Miser's Gold".

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The man in that had to hide his gold nuggets, so he hid them in a field.

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Then the farmer came and ploughed it. Then the other man came back,

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and all he found was stones! And that's what he said.

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"Stones, stones. My nuggets have turned...to stones."

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I can't listen to all this drivel... Hold on! You may have something!

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He WOULD bury it. But where?

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-In his garden!

-No, he wouldn't bury it in his garden. It's all concrete.

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You can't bury things in concrete! Not without one of those rheumatic drills!

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-How about Peabody Park?

-Possibly.

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- In the sand hills, at night. - They're too crowded at night.

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-There are a dozen places...

-I think he'll do it tonight, sir.

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You may be right. We must shadow him.

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-What, like George Raft?

-We'll make a roster.

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We'll keep him covered throughout the hours of darkness. Sergeant... Oh, never mind.

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Tiddly pots! That's what they are...

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Hello. Captain Mainwaring? Jones the butcher.

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Has there been some development?

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We saw Frazer come out of his house with a box under his arm. Not an undertaker's box, you understand?

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Go on.

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He looked kind of furtive, and he moved off. So we followed him,

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-and we followed him...

-Get on with it!

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Then he went into a church yard. I told Pikey to stop and watch him.

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-He's in the church yard.

-HICCUP

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And I flitted between the monuments like a wraith, you know, so he wouldn't see me.

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Then suddenly I saw a telephone box and I thought, "That's hunkydory!"

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So I got out two pennies, and I was just... Hello?

0:24:060:24:11

Hello? Oh! He must have put the phone down. I expect he's in one of his moods!

0:24:110:24:17

Hello? Who is it?

0:24:170:24:20

Chief Warden Hodges. Guess what I saw on patrol !

0:24:200:24:24

- Animal, vegetable or mineral? - This isn't a game!

0:24:240:24:29

I just saw Frazer sneak into the church yard. I bet he's burying his gold!

0:24:290:24:35

When the Vicar wanted a donation, he said he was poor as a church mouse!

0:24:350:24:40

He said it plain as a pike staff - through his very own letter box.

0:24:400:24:45

I think the Vicar may like to see what's going on in his churchyard at 1.30 in the morning!

0:24:450:24:52

We'll be round in five minutes!

0:24:520:24:55

Heh, heh!

0:25:070:25:09

Oh!

0:25:110:25:12

There he is, over there.

0:25:140:25:17

You see, he digs... Then he cackles. Then he digs again. He's been doing that for ten minutes!

0:25:170:25:24

Dig, dig, heh, heh!

0:25:240:25:28

-Heh!

-Don't do that!

0:25:280:25:30

There he is! See that, Reverend? He's desecrating!

0:25:350:25:41

It's not quite as bad as that!

0:25:410:25:45

Heh, heh, heh!

0:25:450:25:48

They're never going to get it. They'll never get my gold!

0:25:480:25:53

Uncle Arthur,

0:25:530:25:55

I'm frightened!

0:25:550:25:58

Heh, heh!

0:26:050:26:08

We can go and investigate.

0:26:080:26:10

He's off! Let's follow him. Wait! I can see figures moving.

0:26:100:26:15

This is the place. Right! Uncover it, Pike.

0:26:150:26:20

-What with?

-Your hands!

-There might be slugs or worms or creepy crawlies!

0:26:210:26:27

Get on with it!

0:26:270:26:30

You ought to have somebody look at that boy, you know.

0:26:300:26:34

They're wearing army hats! I do believe it's Mainwaring's lot!

0:26:340:26:39

What's he doing here? Come on, Mr Yeatman.

0:26:390:26:43

It's heavy - Must be chock full of gold!

0:26:430:26:47

Open it.

0:26:470:26:49

-It's locked.

-Here, Pikey, use my bayonet!

0:26:510:26:56

-But it's not ours!

-Quite right, Sponge. Leave it.

0:26:560:27:00

-Caught you red-handed! You were going to steal that!

-No, I wasn't!

0:27:000:27:06

-What, then? I'll handle this.

-He's going about lawfully.

0:27:060:27:12

-In a churchyard? At night?

-I'm concerned about one of my men.

0:27:120:27:17

-You're filching that box! Be quiet!

-I'll speak to Frazer,

0:27:170:27:24

-and get him to sell up and buy an annuity.

-So you get a commission.

0:27:240:27:29

So I... Never mind that!

0:27:290:27:32

So you see, Frazer, we acted from the very best of motives.

0:27:340:27:39

But our finding the box so easily,

0:27:390:27:42

only adds proof to my statement:

0:27:420:27:45

the bank's the best place for your valuables - be they in cash or kind.

0:27:450:27:50

-But not your bank!

-Don't interfere! Fetch the box, Wilson.

-Yes, sir.

0:27:500:27:56

The key?

0:27:560:27:58

Here, son.

0:28:010:28:03

Give that to the captain. He's a fine man.

0:28:030:28:07

Now don't...

0:28:140:28:17

Rest assured, Frazer, my bank will take care of this.

0:28:200:28:25

Something for the fabric of the church would be welcome.

0:28:250:28:29

It's a brick! It's a damn brick!

0:28:300:28:34

Aye! It's a brick! And yon Vicar can have it for the fabric of his kirk!

0:28:350:28:42

I'll hold on to my money! You won't put your hands on it!

0:28:470:28:52

You're not going to have my gold! You won't have my gold!

0:28:520:28:56

Subtitles by Mala Balani - 1991

0:29:450:29:48