Knights of Madness Dad's Army


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Knights of Madness

Classic wartime sitcom. For Wings of Victory week, Mainwaring and his troops stage the story of St George, but end up with one dragon too many.


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# Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game

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# We are the boys who will make you think again

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# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

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# If you think old England's done? #

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NOISY RABBLE Ladies and gentlemen, order. Order, please!

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Can we get on? We've been here two hours!

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Well, I think we're all agreed on the poster. I think it's very tasteful and artistic.

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It needs more colour. You can't have colours in wartime, Mrs Yeatman.

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Now the climax of the "Wings For Victory" Week will be the grand march past on Saturday.

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The Mayor, standing on the podium, will take the salute, along with myself and other council officers.

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First, the Sea-Scouts Drum and Bugle Band.

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Then a Keep Fit display by the Ladies' Netball Team...

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led by Mrs Yeatman.

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Point of order, Mr Chairman. Are they going to wear dresses or shorts?

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They'll wear shorts, of course. You can't do PT in dresses.

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Ladies' legs can lead to ribaldry among the crowd. I shouldn't like my sister, Dolly, to be shocked.

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What's the matter with a bit of leg? Lovely!

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Those white thighs...

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Gleaming in the sunlight.

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What about them little ankle socks, too?

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Little ankle socks.

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Can we raise the level of this discussion, please?

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-I quite agree, Your Reverence.

-Be quiet, Mr Yeatman.

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-Keep your dirty old men in order, Mr Mainwaring.

-I'm quite indifferent to this discussion.

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-He's sulking!

-I am not sulking.

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-It's because you aren't Chairman.

-If I had been Chairman we wouldn't have been here two hours.

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No. We'd have been here four hours!

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Now, after that we have the display of Morris dancing.

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-Are there any more suggestions?

-Mr Chairman, through the Chair, can I take the floor?

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Are we all in agreement that Mr Jones can take the floor?

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GENERAL ASSENT Mr Jones, the floor is yours.

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Thank you... Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Litter Bug.

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This is the Squander Bug. Why don't two of us dress up as these bugs?

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The Litter Bug can throw paper and the Squander Bug can throw money.

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Hey, hold on...hold on!

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Who's supplying the money?

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It's going to be imitation money, Jock.

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I don't think we can have two bugs. We'll have to make do with one. After all, bug costumes cost money.

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To spend money on a Squander Bug costume rather defeats the object.

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Frank's got a Squander Bug costume. I made it for the Scout Show.

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I'm not going to wear that. It makes me look a fool.

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I saw the show. I thought you looked rather sweet.

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Don't make me wear it, Mr Mainwaring,

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-please don't make me wear it.

-Sort it out amongst yourselves.

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- Can we get on, please?! - I quite agree. That's settled.

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- Frank Pike will be the Squander Bug. - Oh, no!

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-Now, the Grand Finale...

-My platoon will be doing that.

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The Wardens are doing the Finale.

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-The Finale will be done by the Home Guard and that's that.

-Gentlemen, gentlemen...please!

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I suggest you share the Grand Finale.

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I second that. I third it! Be quiet!

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All those in favour? One...two...three...four...five... six...seven. Against?

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Put your hand up, Wilson.

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-I can't be bothered. It's a crashing bore.

-I'll do it.

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He gets too tired for anything this time of night.

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That's a fact!

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Seven... So it seems I have the casting vote.

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The Grand Finale will be shared by the Wardens and the Home Guard.

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-And what are the Home Guard doing?

-I'm not saying in front of him.

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And...your contribution, Mr Hodges?

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I'm not saying in front of HIM.

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Oh, dear. We seem to have reached an impasse.

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Well, I feel sure that whatever it is...it will be very nice.

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I got your estimate this morning, Mr Jackson.

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I must say the cost seems pretty high.

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What?

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But I don't want the legs cut down.

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Is Mr Mainwaring buying a table, Uncle Arthur?

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It must have 22 legs.

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Big table.

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And the tail must be 12ft-long.

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No, it's an aeroplane.

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Don't be ridiculous, Frank, just get on with the filing.

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No, I'm sorry, I shall just have to cancel it.

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Yes, all right, goodbye.

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I'm going to have to get somebody else to build it.

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Have you asked Frazer or Jones?

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That's not a bad idea. There's room in Frazer's workshop, isn't there?

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No, Mr Mainwaring.

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Mr Frazer and Mr Jones couldn't make an aeroplane.

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Don't you ever make an intelligent remark, Pike?

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Haven't you told him, Wilson?

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No, not yet, no.

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I've decided that, as the "Wings For Victory" Parade coincides with St George's Day,

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we shall stage a fight between St George and the dragon - representing England and Hitler.

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-Can I play St George?

-No!

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-Have you decided who will play St George?

-It's obvious.

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You?

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A friend of mine is lending us armour. He wants me to wear it.

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Why don't you wear cardboard armour?

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A man in my position can't be seen wearing cardboard armour.

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Real armour might be a bit dangerous.

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I don't intend to do anything strenuous. I shall walk the horse round the dragon and shout,

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"Cry God for Harry, England and St George!"

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Then I shall make a symbolic gesture with my sword to the dragon.

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-What does the dragon do?

-Makes a symbolic gesture back?

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-Hurry up, Pike.

-I'm not ready. MRS PIKE: He won't be a minute.

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-The men are in the dragon, sir.

-Well done, Corporal.

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Come along, Frank.

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-I must say, you made it awfully well, Mavis.

-Thank you, Arthur.

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The Vicar was right. He does look sweet in it, doesn't he?

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He's a dear little Squander Bug. It's too short!

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What should he do?

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He could say, "Don't be a Squander Bug like me, Save for Victory!" Then he throws the money about.

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Very good... Try that, Pike.

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Don't be a Squander Bug like...

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FLAT TONE: Don't be a Squander Bug like me, save for Victory!

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-HORN BLARES OUTSIDE

-That's no good.

-No, sir. He should skip about a bit.

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And make gestures with your arms as if you're throwing money.

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Don't spend money like me... I feel such a FOOL!

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-The men are inside the dragon, sir.

-Good, good.

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-Heavens above! What is it?

-It's a Squander Bug, of course.

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He looks like a potato on sticks!

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-Have you finished, Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes, thank you.

-Come along, Frank.

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Leave it alone. You'll pull it out of shape!

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Hoi! Where are you going?

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-You said right wheel.

-I said get at the back.

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-You get on the front, Jones.

-Right, sir.

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Stop! Stop! Stop!

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-What's the matter, sir?

-You've got the tail in your mouth.

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-Sorry, sir...

-That's better.

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I'll explain what we're doing. Help me on with the helmet.

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-You can't do it with my glasses on.

-Oh, right. There you are...

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We'll try it like this. That's it.

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-There we are.

-Open the visor.

-Right, sir.

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-I'm terribly sorry, sir, I'm afraid it's stuck.

-It's a wee bit rusted. I'll get some oil.

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-Open it up!

-The dragon ain't half good, isn't it?

-Get out of the way, Frank!

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-I'm afraid it's rusted up, sir.

-I can't hear you.

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Look, there's a little door here.

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Can you HEAR me now, sir?

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-You nearly deafened me, Jones.

-Can you hear me now?

-I can hear, but I can't see.

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He can HEAR, but he can't see.

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-I'm afraid this is going to be difficult but...

-Let me have a go.

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Oh, yes. Very clever of you.

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We'll have you out in a minute. A wee drop here...and here...

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Look, there's another door. This helmet's full of them.

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-Can you hear me now, sir?

-Jones!

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That's it - got it! How's that, sir?

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-You look a little bit red, sir. Are you all right?

-Just put my glasses on.

-Here we are, sir.

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There we are. Lovely... Oh, shut your doors.

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-BANG!

-Argh!

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Stop playing games, boy! Help me on to the horse and we'll rehearse the fight.

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I have your sword here, sir.

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-Thank you.

-Here's your head-bonker.

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-That looks vicious.

-It's only an old tennis ball.

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Yeah, wouldn't hurt a fly...

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-You STUPID boy!

-Sorry.

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-Your door as well.

-Ah-h!

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This is how we stage the fight. Pay attention, men.

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I'll walk on to the village green and the dragon will go round me. Understand that, Jones?

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-The dragon goes round you. Right.

-And then I shall shout, "Cry God for Harry, England and St George!"

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At that point the dragon will paw the ground and charge.

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-Paw the ground and charge.

-Yes. Get into the skin.

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-Get into the skin.

-Up on the horse.

-This side, sir.

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-Stand on the box...

-Hup!

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Hang on... There.

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-Hup...

-Give me your leg. That's it.

-Ah-h-h.

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Take your hands off, will you?

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Hang on a minute...

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-Don't you think you ought to be wearing a cardboard helmet?

-I'm NOT wearing a cardboard helmet!

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-Dragon's ready, sir.

-Cry God for Harry, England and St George!

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Right, paw the ground.

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Hold on! Smoke is supposed to be coming out of the mouth, sir... Jonesy, where's the smoke?

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-I can't make it work.

-Ach, you stupid old fool.

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-That'll frighten the wits out of the crowd, Wilson.

-It frightens the wits out of me.

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It's all ready now, sir.

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Cry God for Harry...

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England...and St George!

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Paw the ground.

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COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING

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-Where's the smoke?

-CHOKING COUGHS

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Well, that should do the trick. I only hope it works.

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Yon Mainwaring must be mad to wear a real suit of armour. It's sheer vanity.

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-Captain Mainwaring, sir. Ready to hoist you.

-Right.

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-Why have you brought that dog?

-The knights always had them, sir.

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Why must you give yourself airs all the time? Why can't you behave normally like me?

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On Saturday afternoon we shall assemble here and march into the town.

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-So we've only got today to sort out any problems that might arise. Pike, get the horse.

-Yes, sir.

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This is ridiculous, sir. The armour is far too heavy.

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Don't be defeatist, Wilson.

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If our forebears could wear it... so can I.

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-Sponge!

-Yes, Mr Jones?

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-You haul Captain Mainwaring up. And don't let him dangle.

-Right.

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Right, heave!

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-You've forgotten your helmet.

-Right, lower him...lower him.

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-You all right, sir?

-He can't hear you. I'm going to open the door...

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-Can you hear me, sir?

-Of course I can. Get on with it!

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He's in one of his moods. All right.

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It would have been better if my sister had knitted him a suit of chain-mail.

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If anything goes wrong, we'll get him out with a tin-opener!

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Walk underneath, Pike.

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Lower!

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-Why didn't you hold the horse?

-You just said to bring him through!

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Pull him up!

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-Hold the horse's head, Frank.

-I am holding it.

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Lift him up! Lift him up!

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Lower...lower.

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What's that? Come on, gee up.

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-Ready, Jones?

-All ready, sir.

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What a noble figure the Captain makes. Aye, noble...but stupid.

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Cry God for Harry... England...

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and St George!

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Dragon - 1, St George - 0(!)

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I think perhaps Godfrey's sister should knit me a suit of armour.

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Atten-tion!

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Band and drummers, ready?

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By the centre, quick MARCH!

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DRUMROLL

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THEY PLAY TINNY MARCH

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I can't think why you didn't go to the theatrical costumiers like us.

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I didn't want to disappoint Godfrey's sister.

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Now, the Walmington-On-Sea Ladies' Netball Team present a keep fit display.

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LIGHT APPLAUSE

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GRAMOPHONE RECORD CRACKLES

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Ooh, they're very nice, aren't they, Mr Mayor? If you like that sort of thing.

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-Will you look at those thighs!

-Get away from there, Frazer.

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-Mr Mainwaring, I feel a fool.

-Do stop grumbling, Pike.

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We let you off being a Squander Bug and you're still not satisfied.

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I don't like showing my legs!

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-It's a pity we have to go on before the Wardens.

-Hodges won the toss.

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Anyway, after our pageant, anything they do will be an anti-climax.

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When I tap you with my sword, you fall over. Is that clear?

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I can't wait to see Mainwaring's face. He'll be green with envy!

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I think St George and the Dragon is a simply spiffing idea!

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Hurry and get changed, Mr Yeatman.

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-Uncle Arthur...

-Mm?

-This makes a lovely pea-shooter...

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-OWWWW!

-Behave yourself, boy!

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I'm going to see if I can get on to the horse in this costume.

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-Hold the horse's head, Frazer.

-Hey, you'll never get on wearing that. It's too long.

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Just hold the horse's head.

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-It's too long.

-Sorry, sir.

-What will I do?

-Pull your skirt up.

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-It's no good.

-Try side-saddle, sir.

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Don't be absurd. Whoever heard of St George riding side-saddle?

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Ah-h-h...

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I think I can make some adjustments, sir.

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MUSIC ENDS

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WHISTLE BLOWS

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you and well done, ladies.

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Now the next item on the agenda is a display by the Eastgate Morris dancers!

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BELLS JINGLING

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When you get on the horse, you can drape it around you discreetly.

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Well, it will have to do. Thank you very much, Godfrey.

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Yon Morris dancers are rotten. Why aren't we Morris dancing?

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Too ordinary. They'll never have seen anything like this before.

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Ha, that's a fact!

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Come on, help me mount.

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-Get out of the way, boy.

-Sorry.

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Wilson, my helmet, please.

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Thank you.

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BELLS JINGLE Hey!

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APPLAUSE

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And now the Grand Finale, which is a shared item between the Wardens and the Home Guard.

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First, Captain Mainwaring's platoon will perform...

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a spectacular medieval extravaganza!

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APPLAUSE

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TRUMPETER PLAYS FANFARE

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TRUMPETER PLAYS FINAL FLOURISH

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What's that soppy boy doing? He's dressed like me!

0:25:420:25:46

- Maurice! - Yes, Tracy?

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Mainwaring's lot are doing St George and the Dragon as well!

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I'll kill him! Quick, get out there. And you get in that dragon skin...

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Stop handling me. You know I don't like it... Shut up!

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APPLAUSE

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CROWD CHEER

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Well, what a surprise. Captain Mainwaring is going to fight the dragon.

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HE PLAYS FANFARE

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-What's he up to?

-I've no idea.

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HORSE WHINNIES

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LOUD CHEERS

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-Get off this field, Hodges!

-BOO!

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'Ere...

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-What's your game?! Clear off!

-We'll do nothing of the sort!

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-You clear off, you silly fellow!

-Look here, Vicar!

0:27:130:27:17

-We thought of it first.

-Oh, no, you didn't!

0:27:170:27:21

Well, don't say you haven't been warned!

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Mr Hodges is going to fight the dragon.

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No, I tell a lie. The DRAGON is going to fight the dragon.

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-Right, Napoleon, you've asked for it!

-I'm not afraid of YOU.

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Now the two St Georges are fighting each other. This is certainly giving history a new twist.

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HORSE WHINNIES

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-Do be careful, sir!

-It's ever so good! Like that film, Robin Hood.

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LOUD CHEER

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OOHS AND AAHS FROM CROWD

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-We must do something, Frank.

-Leave it to me, Uncle Arthur...

-Mm?

0:29:140:29:19

RATTLE OF PEAS

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You flippin' hooligans!

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Get OFF!

0:29:400:29:41

CROWD CHEERS

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Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

0:29:500:29:53