Knights of Madness Dad's Army

# Who do you think you are kidding Mr Hitler

# If you think we're on the run?

# We are the boys who will stop your little game

# We are the boys who will make you think again

# Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done?

# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21

# But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun

# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler

# If you think old England's done? #

NOISY RABBLE Ladies and gentlemen, order. Order, please!

Can we get on? We've been here two hours!

Well, I think we're all agreed on the poster. I think it's very tasteful and artistic.

It needs more colour. You can't have colours in wartime, Mrs Yeatman.

Now the climax of the "Wings For Victory" Week will be the grand march past on Saturday.

The Mayor, standing on the podium, will take the salute, along with myself and other council officers.

First, the Sea-Scouts Drum and Bugle Band.

Then a Keep Fit display by the Ladies' Netball Team...

led by Mrs Yeatman.

Point of order, Mr Chairman. Are they going to wear dresses or shorts?

They'll wear shorts, of course. You can't do PT in dresses.

Ladies' legs can lead to ribaldry among the crowd. I shouldn't like my sister, Dolly, to be shocked.

What's the matter with a bit of leg? Lovely!

Those white thighs...

Gleaming in the sunlight.

What about them little ankle socks, too?

Little ankle socks.

Can we raise the level of this discussion, please?

-I quite agree, Your Reverence.

-Be quiet, Mr Yeatman.

-Keep your dirty old men in order, Mr Mainwaring.

-I'm quite indifferent to this discussion.

-He's sulking!

-I am not sulking.

-It's because you aren't Chairman.

-If I had been Chairman we wouldn't have been here two hours.

No. We'd have been here four hours!

Now, after that we have the display of Morris dancing.

-Are there any more suggestions?

-Mr Chairman, through the Chair, can I take the floor?

Are we all in agreement that Mr Jones can take the floor?

GENERAL ASSENT Mr Jones, the floor is yours.

Thank you... Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Litter Bug.

This is the Squander Bug. Why don't two of us dress up as these bugs?

The Litter Bug can throw paper and the Squander Bug can throw money.

Hey, hold on...hold on!

Who's supplying the money?

It's going to be imitation money, Jock.

I don't think we can have two bugs. We'll have to make do with one. After all, bug costumes cost money.

To spend money on a Squander Bug costume rather defeats the object.

Frank's got a Squander Bug costume. I made it for the Scout Show.

I'm not going to wear that. It makes me look a fool.

I saw the show. I thought you looked rather sweet.

Don't make me wear it, Mr Mainwaring,

-please don't make me wear it.

-Sort it out amongst yourselves.

- Can we get on, please?! - I quite agree. That's settled.

- Frank Pike will be the Squander Bug. - Oh, no!

-Now, the Grand Finale...

-My platoon will be doing that.

The Wardens are doing the Finale.

-The Finale will be done by the Home Guard and that's that.

-Gentlemen, gentlemen...please!

I suggest you share the Grand Finale.

I second that. I third it! Be quiet!

All those in favour? One...two...three...four...five... six...seven. Against?

Put your hand up, Wilson.

-I can't be bothered. It's a crashing bore.

-I'll do it.

He gets too tired for anything this time of night.

That's a fact!

Seven... So it seems I have the casting vote.

The Grand Finale will be shared by the Wardens and the Home Guard.

-And what are the Home Guard doing?

-I'm not saying in front of him.

And...your contribution, Mr Hodges?

I'm not saying in front of HIM.

Oh, dear. We seem to have reached an impasse.

Well, I feel sure that whatever it is...it will be very nice.

I got your estimate this morning, Mr Jackson.

I must say the cost seems pretty high.

What?

But I don't want the legs cut down.

Is Mr Mainwaring buying a table, Uncle Arthur?

It must have 22 legs.

Big table.

And the tail must be 12ft-long.

No, it's an aeroplane.

Don't be ridiculous, Frank, just get on with the filing.

No, I'm sorry, I shall just have to cancel it.

Yes, all right, goodbye.

I'm going to have to get somebody else to build it.

Have you asked Frazer or Jones?

That's not a bad idea. There's room in Frazer's workshop, isn't there?

No, Mr Mainwaring.

Mr Frazer and Mr Jones couldn't make an aeroplane.

Don't you ever make an intelligent remark, Pike?

Haven't you told him, Wilson?

No, not yet, no.

I've decided that, as the "Wings For Victory" Parade coincides with St George's Day,

we shall stage a fight between St George and the dragon - representing England and Hitler.

-Can I play St George?

-No!

-Have you decided who will play St George?

-It's obvious.

You?

A friend of mine is lending us armour. He wants me to wear it.

Why don't you wear cardboard armour?

A man in my position can't be seen wearing cardboard armour.

Real armour might be a bit dangerous.

I don't intend to do anything strenuous. I shall walk the horse round the dragon and shout,

"Cry God for Harry, England and St George!"

Then I shall make a symbolic gesture with my sword to the dragon.

-What does the dragon do?

-Makes a symbolic gesture back?

-Hurry up, Pike.

-I'm not ready. MRS PIKE: He won't be a minute.

-The men are in the dragon, sir.

-Well done, Corporal.

Come along, Frank.

-I must say, you made it awfully well, Mavis.

-Thank you, Arthur.

The Vicar was right. He does look sweet in it, doesn't he?

He's a dear little Squander Bug. It's too short!

What should he do?

He could say, "Don't be a Squander Bug like me, Save for Victory!" Then he throws the money about.

Very good... Try that, Pike.

Don't be a Squander Bug like...

FLAT TONE: Don't be a Squander Bug like me, save for Victory!

-HORN BLARES OUTSIDE

-That's no good.

-No, sir. He should skip about a bit.

And make gestures with your arms as if you're throwing money.

Don't spend money like me... I feel such a FOOL!

-The men are inside the dragon, sir.

-Good, good.

-Heavens above! What is it?

-It's a Squander Bug, of course.

He looks like a potato on sticks!

-Have you finished, Mr Mainwaring?

-Yes, thank you.

-Come along, Frank.

Leave it alone. You'll pull it out of shape!

Hoi! Where are you going?

-You said right wheel.

-I said get at the back.

-You get on the front, Jones.

-Right, sir.

Stop! Stop! Stop!

-What's the matter, sir?

-You've got the tail in your mouth.

-Sorry, sir...

-That's better.

I'll explain what we're doing. Help me on with the helmet.

-You can't do it with my glasses on.

-Oh, right. There you are...

We'll try it like this. That's it.

-There we are.

-Open the visor.

-Right, sir.

-I'm terribly sorry, sir, I'm afraid it's stuck.

-It's a wee bit rusted. I'll get some oil.

-Open it up!

-The dragon ain't half good, isn't it?

-Get out of the way, Frank!

-I'm afraid it's rusted up, sir.

-I can't hear you.

Look, there's a little door here.

Can you HEAR me now, sir?

-You nearly deafened me, Jones.

-Can you hear me now?

-I can hear, but I can't see.

He can HEAR, but he can't see.

-I'm afraid this is going to be difficult but...

-Let me have a go.

Oh, yes. Very clever of you.

We'll have you out in a minute. A wee drop here...and here...

Look, there's another door. This helmet's full of them.

-Can you hear me now, sir?

-Jones!

That's it - got it! How's that, sir?

-You look a little bit red, sir. Are you all right?

-Just put my glasses on.

-Here we are, sir.

There we are. Lovely... Oh, shut your doors.

-BANG!

-Argh!

Stop playing games, boy! Help me on to the horse and we'll rehearse the fight.

I have your sword here, sir.

-Thank you.

-Here's your head-bonker.

-That looks vicious.

-It's only an old tennis ball.

Yeah, wouldn't hurt a fly...

-You STUPID boy!

-Sorry.

-Your door as well.

-Ah-h!

This is how we stage the fight. Pay attention, men.

I'll walk on to the village green and the dragon will go round me. Understand that, Jones?

-The dragon goes round you. Right.

-And then I shall shout, "Cry God for Harry, England and St George!"

At that point the dragon will paw the ground and charge.

-Paw the ground and charge.

-Yes. Get into the skin.

-Get into the skin.

-Up on the horse.

-This side, sir.

-Stand on the box...

-Hup!

Hang on... There.

-Hup...

-Give me your leg. That's it.

-Ah-h-h.

Take your hands off, will you?

Hang on a minute...

-Don't you think you ought to be wearing a cardboard helmet?

-I'm NOT wearing a cardboard helmet!

-Dragon's ready, sir.

-Cry God for Harry, England and St George!

Right, paw the ground.

Hold on! Smoke is supposed to be coming out of the mouth, sir... Jonesy, where's the smoke?

-I can't make it work.

-Ach, you stupid old fool.

-That'll frighten the wits out of the crowd, Wilson.

-It frightens the wits out of me.

It's all ready now, sir.

Cry God for Harry...

England...and St George!

Paw the ground.

COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING

-Where's the smoke?

-CHOKING COUGHS

Well, that should do the trick. I only hope it works.

Yon Mainwaring must be mad to wear a real suit of armour. It's sheer vanity.

-Captain Mainwaring, sir. Ready to hoist you.

-Right.

-Why have you brought that dog?

-The knights always had them, sir.

Why must you give yourself airs all the time? Why can't you behave normally like me?

On Saturday afternoon we shall assemble here and march into the town.

-So we've only got today to sort out any problems that might arise. Pike, get the horse.

-Yes, sir.

This is ridiculous, sir. The armour is far too heavy.

Don't be defeatist, Wilson.

If our forebears could wear it... so can I.

-Sponge!

-Yes, Mr Jones?

-You haul Captain Mainwaring up. And don't let him dangle.

-Right.

Right, heave!

-You've forgotten your helmet.

-Right, lower him...lower him.

-You all right, sir?

-He can't hear you. I'm going to open the door...

-Can you hear me, sir?

-Of course I can. Get on with it!

He's in one of his moods. All right.

It would have been better if my sister had knitted him a suit of chain-mail.

If anything goes wrong, we'll get him out with a tin-opener!

Walk underneath, Pike.

Lower!

-Why didn't you hold the horse?

-You just said to bring him through!

Pull him up!

-Hold the horse's head, Frank.

-I am holding it.

Lift him up! Lift him up!

Lower...lower.

What's that? Come on, gee up.

-Ready, Jones?

-All ready, sir.

What a noble figure the Captain makes. Aye, noble...but stupid.

Cry God for Harry... England...

and St George!

Dragon - 1, St George - 0(!)

I think perhaps Godfrey's sister should knit me a suit of armour.

Atten-tion!

Band and drummers, ready?

By the centre, quick MARCH!

DRUMROLL

THEY PLAY TINNY MARCH

I can't think why you didn't go to the theatrical costumiers like us.

I didn't want to disappoint Godfrey's sister.

Now, the Walmington-On-Sea Ladies' Netball Team present a keep fit display.

LIGHT APPLAUSE

GRAMOPHONE RECORD CRACKLES

Ooh, they're very nice, aren't they, Mr Mayor? If you like that sort of thing.

-Will you look at those thighs!

-Get away from there, Frazer.

-Mr Mainwaring, I feel a fool.

-Do stop grumbling, Pike.

We let you off being a Squander Bug and you're still not satisfied.

I don't like showing my legs!

-It's a pity we have to go on before the Wardens.

-Hodges won the toss.

Anyway, after our pageant, anything they do will be an anti-climax.

When I tap you with my sword, you fall over. Is that clear?

I can't wait to see Mainwaring's face. He'll be green with envy!

I think St George and the Dragon is a simply spiffing idea!

Hurry and get changed, Mr Yeatman.

-Uncle Arthur...

-Mm?

-This makes a lovely pea-shooter...

-OWWWW!

-Behave yourself, boy!

I'm going to see if I can get on to the horse in this costume.

-Hold the horse's head, Frazer.

-Hey, you'll never get on wearing that. It's too long.

Just hold the horse's head.

-It's too long.

-Sorry, sir.

-What will I do?

-Pull your skirt up.

-It's no good.

-Try side-saddle, sir.

Don't be absurd. Whoever heard of St George riding side-saddle?

Ah-h-h...

I think I can make some adjustments, sir.

MUSIC ENDS

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Thank you and well done, ladies.

Now the next item on the agenda is a display by the Eastgate Morris dancers!

BELLS JINGLING

When you get on the horse, you can drape it around you discreetly.

Well, it will have to do. Thank you very much, Godfrey.

Yon Morris dancers are rotten. Why aren't we Morris dancing?

Too ordinary. They'll never have seen anything like this before.

Ha, that's a fact!

Come on, help me mount.

-Get out of the way, boy.

-Sorry.

Wilson, my helmet, please.

Thank you.

BELLS JINGLE Hey!

APPLAUSE

And now the Grand Finale, which is a shared item between the Wardens and the Home Guard.

First, Captain Mainwaring's platoon will perform...

a spectacular medieval extravaganza!

APPLAUSE

TRUMPETER PLAYS FANFARE

TRUMPETER PLAYS FINAL FLOURISH

What's that soppy boy doing? He's dressed like me!

- Maurice! - Yes, Tracy?

Mainwaring's lot are doing St George and the Dragon as well!

I'll kill him! Quick, get out there. And you get in that dragon skin...

Stop handling me. You know I don't like it... Shut up!

APPLAUSE

CROWD CHEER

Well, what a surprise. Captain Mainwaring is going to fight the dragon.

HE PLAYS FANFARE

-What's he up to?

-I've no idea.

HORSE WHINNIES

LOUD CHEERS

-Get off this field, Hodges!

-BOO!

'Ere...

-What's your game?! Clear off!

-We'll do nothing of the sort!

-You clear off, you silly fellow!

-Look here, Vicar!

-We thought of it first.

-Oh, no, you didn't!

Well, don't say you haven't been warned!

Mr Hodges is going to fight the dragon.

No, I tell a lie. The DRAGON is going to fight the dragon.

-Right, Napoleon, you've asked for it!

-I'm not afraid of YOU.

Now the two St Georges are fighting each other. This is certainly giving history a new twist.

HORSE WHINNIES

-Do be careful, sir!

-It's ever so good! Like that film, Robin Hood.

LOUD CHEER

OOHS AND AAHS FROM CROWD

-We must do something, Frank.

-Leave it to me, Uncle Arthur...

-Mm?

RATTLE OF PEAS

You flippin' hooligans!

Get OFF!

CROWD CHEERS

Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!