The Making of Private Pike Dad's Army


The Making of Private Pike

Classic wartime sitcom. Captain Mainwaring is given a staff car which breaks down when Pike and his girlfriend borrow it to go to the pictures.


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Transcript


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys who will stop your little game,

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# We are the boys who will make you think again,

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# 'Cos who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8:21,

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# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun.

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# So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done? #

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It sounds quite a party.

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Our biggest exercise yet.

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We have two brigades, a battery of 25 pounders, and air support. We've even got some tanks.

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I'm relying on you to umpire.

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Well, I've hit a bit of a snag. I've got the same old leg trouble. But I've managed to find a deputy.

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He runs the Walmington-on-Sea platoon. Captain Mainwaring.

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- He'll be unpopular if he gets anything wrong. - He's quite used to that.

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We need someone who's neutral, unbiased and fair-minded.

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That's him.

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If I had my way, I'd shoot all black marketeers.

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Have you heard about that umpiring?

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Yes, I've protested against it.

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I've no time for umpiring. I'm a leader.

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You're quite right, Captain.

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You don't want to be an umpire. We didn't have umpires in the Sudan.

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Kitchener didn't believe in them.

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"All's fair in love and war," he used to say. He was educated.

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He used to make us wait until the fuzzy-wuzzies were 60 yards away. Then we'd mow them down.

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You don't need an umpire to say you're dead.

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That's like school. I remember a boy pinching tuck from the snodge.

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Was this a foreign school you were at?

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-I didn't want to beat him.

-"Beat him"?

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Sixth-formers are supposed to keep some sort of order.

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The whole system reeks of depravity.

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They made brave officers because of all that depravity.

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PHONE RINGS

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Mainwaring.

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Mainwaring, it's no dice with the brigadier. You're the umpire.

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I suppose an order's an order, sir.

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But you will get a staff car.

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Oh, a staff car.

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You might just be able to hang onto it.

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-I'll get it along to you today.

-Thank you very much indeed, sir.

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Oh, well...

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I'm getting a car.

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That's marvellous...why?

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-Umpiring is an important job.

-What sort of car?

-A limousine, I suppose.

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VICAR: Is this necessary, Mr Hodges?

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What has to be, has to be. You say that often enough in your sermons.

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He always says some good bits in his sermons.

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-What's going on?

-New black-out regulations. No smoking at night, and all keyholes to be bunged up.

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I've got enough putty to fill up all the reverence's keyholes.

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And it's fresh. Smell it.

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I have no desire to. I hate linseed.

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Half that keyhole belongs to the military.

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It's been proved by experts that a light shining through a keyhole

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can be seen by an enemy plane.

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Mum said you were here.

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This is my niece. She's on leave.

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Hello.

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-Cpl Jones.

-Sir.

-This is Sgt Wilson.

-How do you do?

-Not you!

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May I say how very pretty you look in your uniform.

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Very feminine and efficient.

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Wilson, put that girl down.

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CAR HONKS

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-What's that?

-Sorry to interrupt. The Colonel's driven into the yard.

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-The Colonel's arrived. Turn out, the guard.

-Jones!

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-He's not there.

-He's outside.

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Fall in, the guard. Fall in, the guard...

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I can't stay here. My staff car's arrived.

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-How did you get a staff car?

-Through my position.

-That wouldn't get you a pair of roller skates.

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Here you are, Mainwaring.

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-There's a box of thunderflashes in the back to simulate mortar fire.

-Thank you, sir.

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Present arms!

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You're pushing your luck there.

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I'll send round four gallons of juice to see him through the exercise.

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-Is this it?

-What do you mean?

-It's a bit small.

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-It looks sweet.

-It's a first-class vehicle.

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It's right for the cut-and-thrust warfare we'll be involved in.

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You'd look a right Jessie in anything larger.

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-Is it bullet-proof?

-Of course it isn't bullet-proof.

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Cor blimey! Is that it? Do you call that a staff car?

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-We find it charming.

-They've only sent you one half of your roller-skates.

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-Don't stand there. Get these men rifle cleaning.

-You heard the captain.

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-Mr Mainwaring, can I be the driver?

-Don't be absurd.

-I've got a provisional licence.

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-You can't drive.

-Teach me to drive, Mr Mainwaring.

-Be quiet, boy.

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Wilson's in charge of driving.

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-Will you teach me?

-Go away, Frank.

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You won't get your egg for breakfast.

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As umpire I shall carry my sergeant with me, my corporal and my runner.

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-Get in, Wilson.

-Right, sir.

-Get in the back, Jones.

-Yes, sir.

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-Can I be the runner?

-If you behave.

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-Thank you very much, sir.

-All right. Get in.

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-All right?

-Yes.

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That seems all right.

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-This is not proper military etiquette, sir.

-What?

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It's not proper to have Sergeant Wilson, who is a sergeant, driving Corporal Jones, a corporal.

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Yes.

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-I suppose Jones can drive.

-Excellent idea, sir.

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-Change places.

-You'll have to move. This seat doesn't go forward.

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Let me help you, Mr Mainwaring.

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-Thank you very much, sir.

-Get in the front.

-Excuse me, sir.

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Get in!

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After you, sir.

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Now I can't get in, sir.

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There we are, sir.

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It should be all right now.

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Mr Mainwaring, where does the runner go?

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-We're not bothering about that at the moment.

-The runner could ride on the riding board.

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Just carry on, Godfrey.

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There's just one thing, Captain.

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Wilson looks more important than you.

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-How do you make that out?

-He's sitting alone at the back.

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Change places, Wilson.

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HORN HONKS

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-What's that?

-I had an undesirable urge to test the horn.

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Don't. You'll get the neighbours round.

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-After you, sir.

-Don't start that.

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-How can I get in the back?

-If you shout at me, you'll just confuse me.

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-I am not shouting!

-You're speaking loudly.

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-I think that's all right now.

-It's fine. You can swank to your heart's content sitting there.

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Where's the runner go, please?

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On the... On that thing there.

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It's not safe. I'd have to hold on with both hands.

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-Why don't you let him sit next to you?

-I'm not having that.

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-He'd look as important as the captain.

-More important... He's taller.

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The captain should face backwards and cover your rear.

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-General Kitchener never advanced unless his rear was covered. Mind you...

-Never mind.

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Try it.

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Don't move. I'll climb over.

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It won't take a second. You just have to be patient.

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No, no, no. This is no good.

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We'll have to rethink this. Get out, Wilson.

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Another raspberryade, please.

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You're going it a bit. The new staff car is thirsty work.

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We've been going over the new car, sorting out the teething problems.

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- That's thruppence. - Thruppence?

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It's gone up. There's a war on, you know.

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-Did you have staff cars in the Sudan?

-We never had nothing like that.

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We had a staff camel.

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But it didn't have a horn or wipers.

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Evening. Hello.

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Are you part of the Home Guard lot?

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That's right. You were with the Warden - Sylvia.

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How did you know? My uncle told me.

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He's the Sergeant. Oh yeah! Randy old geezer!

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You musn't say that. He went to public school.

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They're the worst.

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Lime crush, please. Why aren't you a proper soldier?

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I am a proper soldier.

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-We all are.

-I mean the proper army.

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-I'm knocking on a bit.

-I didn't mean you.

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I've got funny blood.

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If I crashed my Spitfire and was wounded, they couldn't transfuse me.

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Fancy!

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I'm waiting to be called up. Secret Service.

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I didn't know that, Pikey.

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Shut up! What happens if you get wounded in the Secret Service?

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I don't care.

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That's me all over.

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Thruppence, please. Have this one on me.

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Thanks.

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- Your girlfriend will get jealous. - I haven't got one...special.

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I play the field.

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Does Mr Mainwaring know you're going in the Secret Service?

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-No, Mr Jones.

-You have to give your notice in, you know.

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You just can't go in one evening and say goodbye. And there's the bank to consider.

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Mr Jones, I'm trying to have a private conversation. Stop interrupting.

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I see.

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I see.

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Like that, is it?

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A friend in need is a friend indeed.

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Cheers. Cheers.

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You've got smashing eyebrows.

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You what?

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I said you've got smashing eyebrows. Have I ?

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They're like Tyrone Power. Are they?

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Here. Look.

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Oh, yes... I like Tyrone Power.

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Do you go to the pictures? We're going tomorrow.

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You're quick. When shall I meet you?

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I meant Uncle and...

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6:30 by the church, after parade.

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Cheers. ..Cheers

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Finally, to distinguish you from the opposition, you will each wear an armband.

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-All ready and correct, sir.

-Hand them out.

-That's for you.

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Thank you, Jonesy.

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-Pike, stop looking at your watch.

-Sorry. Are you going to be long?

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I shall be as long as I need to be. There's a war on.

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-Why does he keep looking at his watch?

-We're going to the pictures.

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-He's looking at the gate.

-That's the way out.

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My armband doesn't say "UMPIRE". It just says "UMP".

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-Why is that, Jones?

-When you're wearing a band, the only part that shows is UMP.

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The other bit's under your arm.

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-To write it would be superfluous. So, I didn't.

-It's too late to alter them now.

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I shall wear this sash.

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Sitting in that car wearing a sash, you'll look very important.

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Godfrey, you must get out of this habit of talking in the ranks.

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That's all. Parade at 6am sharp.

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Atten-SHUN !

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Dismissed!

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-Uncle Arthur, you don't really want to go to the pictures, do you?

-Not all that much.

-I'll go alone.

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-I'll come with you, if you're going.

-I wouldn't dream of it. Stay at home with Mum.

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Could I borrow 7/6 ?

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The seats are only 1/9.

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-I might go in the 2/3s.

-Yes, but 7/6 ?

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I might go with someone.

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I see what you mean. There's 10 bob. Have a good time.

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Wilson, come with me. There are some things I want to discuss.

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I'm sorry it took so long.

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He does go on.

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He's not bad really. We'd better not miss the bus.

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Is this the staff car?

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Yes, come on. I drive one. Are you in charge of it?

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Sort of. That's solved that.

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It's the captain's. I had 70 out of ours.

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It's Mr Mainwaring's car.

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You're in charge. There's no harm in just sitting in it.

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No harm in just sitting in it.

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It's good, isn't it?

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He's left the keys in. I'll take those.

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She starts well. Turn it off.

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What's the matter? Are you scared? Turn it off, please.

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ENGINE DIES

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I'm disappointed. I didn't know you were a soppy boy.

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I'm not a soppy boy.

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I thought you were a real man.

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I am.

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I thought you could take decisions. I can.

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Tell me how to get there. What are you doing?

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We'll get into trouble. Relax, we're going to the pictures.

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SYLVIA: What are you worried about? No-one saw us.

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PIKE: You seem to forget, I've got a responsible position.

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SYLVIA: That's what attracted me to you... Haven't you got thin knees?

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They're like sparrows'.

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PIKE: Get off!

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Isn't it wonderful the way Robert Taylor puts his arm round her? It's so protective and romantic.

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Yeah.

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You look a bit like Robert Taylor, sideways on.

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Yeah.

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Do you think I look like her? Do you think I need protecting?

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Get off!

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SCREAMS

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Oh! Someone kicked me from behind.

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Mind where you put your big feet.

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Hello, Mr Jones.

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I'm ever so sorry. That scream gave me a real turn.

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-I'm glad you were here, Mr Jones.

-This is Mrs Fox. We go to the pictures sometimes.

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There's nothing in it, though.

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This is Sylvia. She thinks I look like Robert Taylor.

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< SHUSH ! >

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Get off!

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PIKE: I like Robert Taylor, don't you?

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PIKE: It's good having my car to drive in, isn't it?

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SYLVIA: It would be if I wasn't so hungry.

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PIKE: My Mum will want to know where I've been.

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What's that? CAR STALLS

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What's the matter? It's stopped.

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Why? We've run out of gas, baby!

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You've planned this deliberately, haven't you?

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Do you honestly think I planned to run out of petrol with you, you stupid-looking boy.

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I'm not a stupid-looking boy.

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Don't call me that.

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You're retarded, you are!

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What's the time?

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Half past ten.

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My Mum's going to start worrying.

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"My Mum's going to start worrying."

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What are we going to do?

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Let's find a haystack and spend the night beneath the stars.

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Get off! Get out and push then.

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Push? It's nine miles.

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Have you got a better idea?

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Are you going to sit there? Yes.

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You'll have to help at the hills.

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We'll worry about that when the time comes.

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I've never seen Mainwaring in such a state.

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He'll burst a blood vessel.

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Oh dear, I haven't got anything for a broken blood vessel.

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Mr Wilson.

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-I've seen my boy Raymond, and he's scouring round the town.

-Thank you.

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That little car won't go far. I didn't put any petrol in it.

0:24:500:24:55

-I've just been on to the police. They've put out an all car call.

-They've only got one car.

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-Is everybody present?

-Everyone is present. Except Pike.

-What's the matter with him?

0:25:020:25:09

-He probably slept late.

-What have you done with my Frank?

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-What are you talking about?

-His bed hasn't been slept in. And where were you?

-Here.

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-What have you done with her?

-What?

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-Where's my niece?

-How should I know?

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She was last seen with a soldier, and you were the said soldier. I saw you ogling her.

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The man's a sex maniac.

0:25:360:25:39

Permission to speak, sir.

0:25:410:25:44

It is not within my experience, but I think Private Pike went to Eastgate to the pictures.

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At 5.45 in the morning?

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-I fell asleep at the pictures once.

-Don't interrupt.

0:25:530:25:59

-Where's my niece?

-Where's my staff car?

0:25:590:26:03

Pike, where have you been with that car?

0:26:050:26:09

All the way to Eastgate... And I've had to push it back all the way.

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Where have you been? With him.

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Have you been out with her all night?

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He'll have to marry her. I'm not marrying him.

0:26:250:26:30

You've been out with that soppy boy.

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-I'm not soppy.

-Pike, you're under arrest.

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Godfrey, you guard him until the police come.

0:26:370:26:42

She's not going to court.

0:26:420:26:44

You leave my boy alone. You're a bad influence.

0:26:440:26:48

I'll box your ears when I get you home.

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-Let justice take its course.

-Stop being pompous, Napoleon.

0:26:520:26:57

Arthur, if you lay a finger on him, I'll make your life a misery.

0:26:570:27:02

Captain Mainwaring, just one wee word.

0:27:020:27:06

-What are the police going to say when they find out you haven't immobilised the car?

-Quite right.

0:27:060:27:13

-It's a criminal offence.

-And you're responsible, do you hear me? Responsible!

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That won't stop me doing my duty, but it would be wrong not to consider it.

0:27:210:27:27

Don't forget. We rendezvous in seven minutes.

0:27:270:27:31

The army comes first. We'll discuss this later. Get the men fell in.

0:27:310:27:38

Come with me, Jones.

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I'm just going to those trees to see if I can see them.

0:27:450:27:51

-Would you like one?

-No, I don't.

0:27:570:28:00

-Yeah, why not?

-Help yourself.

0:28:010:28:04

Well now, Frank...

0:28:160:28:19

..about last night.

0:28:190:28:21

-I know we shouldn't have taken it.

-I'm not talking about the car, I'm talking about the girl.

0:28:210:28:28

A lot of people will know that you spent the night together and will tell you that it was wrong.

0:28:280:28:35

I was pushing. She was steering.

0:28:350:28:38

You have offended against generally accepted conventions.

0:28:380:28:43

-But what you both did wasn't evil. Do you follow me?

-It was nine miles.

0:28:430:28:49

All the same, society - our sort of society - has a rather rigid framework.

0:28:490:28:56

If we don't stay within it, people point the finger at us.

0:28:560:29:01

-It took an hour to get up the hill.

-Just remember this, Frank...

0:29:010:29:06

..I understand.

0:29:060:29:08

We haven't been too close just recently, but now I feel we're kindred spirits.

0:29:080:29:17

-We're sort of... You know, men of the world. Do you feel like that too?

-Yeah.

0:29:170:29:24

Kindred spirits.

0:29:240:29:27

-Men of the world.

-Good lad.

0:29:270:29:30

Look out. He's coming back.

0:29:330:29:36

Right, Jones.

0:29:440:29:46

Drive on to the crossroads.

0:29:460:29:49

Uncle Arthur.

0:29:490:29:51

-Don't go yet, Mr Mainwaring.

-Be quiet, Pike. Not another word.

0:29:510:29:56

You'll hear something in a minute.

0:29:560:29:59

Subtitles by David Beach, 1991

0:31:080:31:11

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