Wake Up Walmington Dad's Army


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Wake Up Walmington

Classic wartime sitcom. Captain Mainwaring's platoon masquerade as traitors to test the town's reaction to the threat of invasion.


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# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys Who will stop your little game,

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# We are the boys Who will make you think again,

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# cos who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town On the 8.21

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# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun!

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# So who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done? #

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GUNSHOTS

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-Don't jerk the trigger, Pikey. Squeeze it like a lemon!

-A lemon?

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Yes, Mr Jones.

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That's rather good, Frank.

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We're improving. They'll be calling us Mr Mainwaring's Sharpshooters!

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Your turn now, Captain Mainwaring.

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-What have I got to beat?

-Frazer's got the best score - two bulls, two inners and one outer.

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I think we can improve on that!

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Would you like a wee wager?

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Yes! I don't mind.

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-A shilling?

-Make it ten.

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-Rather a lot of money.

-Backing down?

-No!

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I'll do the spotting, sir.

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Who's in charge? Captain Mainwaring the one shooting the gun.

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You're doing ever so well, Captain. That's two bulls and one inner.

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U-hmm!

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Missed!

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U-hmm!

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Missed!

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What ARE you doing? Who are you?

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I'm the butler from the big hall. I've a message from His Lordship.

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He says he's taking his nap so will you stop shooting.

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Doesn't he know we're at war? If he doesn't like noise, why does he have a range?

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The range is for real soldiers. You're only here on sufferance!

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So will you kindly jack it in, my good man?

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I'll take my ten shillings now!

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What a terrible day. I've never been so humiliated.

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-Don't take it too seriously.

-What?

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It was rather amusing. We're NOT real soldiers!

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Don't stand up for that butler!

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He was only doing his job. His Lordship wanted a nap.

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-I can remember a cousin of mine with his butler...

-Oh, yes! You privileged classes stick together!

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Things will change after the war!

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The common man will come forward. Professionals will run the country, doctors, lawyers...bank managers!

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-And people like you!

-Yes, people like me.

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You mean common!

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Now watch it, Wilson.

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-I didn't know you were a socialist.

-How dare you!

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Take that back!

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But you said that the country would be run by common men like you.

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I said nothing about common men. I said THE common man.

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-People who succeed through effort not because father has a title. Their day's over.

-What'll they do?

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-They'll go to work! We'll have democracy!

-And if they disagree?

-They'll have no say in the matter!

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I'm not having it!

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-I am not having it!

-What's wrong?

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Bluett was using this stirrup pump on his greenfly!

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'Ere, give me my stirrup pump back!

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No. You abused it. It's mine to abuse!

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It's not yours. It's on loan. I'm having it back!

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Let go of that! How dare you?

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You wouldn't have done that to me if I was 57 years younger!

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-Stop bullying poor old Mr Bluett!

-Soapy water corrodes the washer.

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I've been using soapy water for 80 years and it hasn't corroded me!

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You are NOT having it back!

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I hate you...! What?

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I hate you! And I'm not alone! Do you know what the kids do behind your back?

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"Put that light out!"

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"Put that light out!"

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I don't believe it.

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See? He's got feet of clay.

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I think perhaps I should go, Mr Bluett.

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He's not having my pump, though!

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The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

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"Put that light out!" Leave me alone!

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I can't stand it! I can't take any more, Napoleon!

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-Everyone hates me. Nobody's taking the war seriously.

-I agree with you.

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Well, there hasn't been an invasion these two years. People think we're wasting our time.

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That's what Germany wants lull us into a false sense of security.

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Something has to be done about it!

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-KNOCKING

-Come in. ..Yes?

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Will you see a deputation, sir?

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Oh. Very well.

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Thanks very much, sir. Deputation, into the office, at the double, quick march!

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Deputation...halt!

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-What's this about?

-Well, after this afternoon's humiliating experience, the men's morale is at rock bottom.

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Do you know what they're calling us in the town...? The Geriatric Fusiliers!

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And in some cases... they're right.

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-Mr Mainwaring, my mum says that home guard training is turning Uncle Arthur into a brute.

-Frank!

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-You got cross with the washing-up and broke a cup in the sink!

-All right!

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We've got to make this town appreciate the home guard.

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Well, I look at it this way, sir our job is to stop Germans roaming the country, ravishing our maidens.

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-Well...

-Do you remember when we took part in that training film dressed as German soldiers?

-Yes.

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The whole county thought we was the real thing!

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Yes, and you had to see the area commander.

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What did he say to you, sir?

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I don't wish to discuss that!

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We should dress as fifth columnists and roam the countryside and that would give the town a fright!

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Ah, no...! I think you're getting into the realms of fantasy, Jones.

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Wait that might do the trick.

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I don't want to roam around ravishing maidens!

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-What do you think?

-It wouldn't work. The Army would be onto us like a shot.

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Not if GHQ already knew about it.

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Can I come, Napoleon? No! We don't want him!

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-Like us, Mr Hodges has been reviled for going about his duty. Yes, you can join us, Hodges.

-FRAZER: No...!

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-We'll shake the complacency out of the town.

-We'll give them a fright!

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# We must all stick together... #

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I'm not happy about the idea, Mainwaring!

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But we should dispel apathy, sir.

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Hmm. When I inspected the Dymchurch platoon, so many men were absent it was like walking down a fish queue.

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Ha... Well, there you are, you see.

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Well, all right, but keep me informed!

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I'm going to call it Operation Wake-Up Walmington-On-Sea.

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Just call it Operation Wake-Up.

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-Will do.

-Where's your HQ?

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In the old flour mill. I've asked the men to rendezvous there after dark on Saturday night.

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I've said not to shave and to look suspicious.

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-What are they going to wear?

-They're going to be dressed as fifth columnists...

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What do fifth columnists wear? I've never met one.

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Oooh, er, something very sinister.

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I've also said to get dressed up as cut-throats and desperados.

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-I see. Well, good luck, Mainwaring.

-Thank you, sir.

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Cut-throats and desperados...?

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# You started something,

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# Yes, you did, but you didn't... #

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Where's the light switch?

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Operator, Walmington 382, please.

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What...? What's my number? Oh...

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633.

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PHONE RINGS Hello?

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-Wake-Up! Roger!

-Eh?

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Wake-Up! Roger!

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I'm not Roger and I haven't been asleep.

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-Who is this?

-It's me...the verger.

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Where's Godfrey?

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Out. He's asked me to mind the phone.

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He'd no business to pop out. When he returns, give him this message -

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Operation Wake-Up. Roger.

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And tell him to ring Walmington 633 at once. Have you got that?

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Yes, I've got it 6-3-3.

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Captain Mainwaring's been on. He left a message. What was it?

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Ah! Yes, let me see. Someone named Roger is going to have an operation and you've got to ring that number.

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It must be the hospital. Oh, dear.

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633.

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Could you get me 633, please?

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Could be appendicitis!

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RINGING

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-Is that the hospital?

-What?!

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Is that you, Godfrey?

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How's Roger? Will he be all right?

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What are you babbling about?

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I had a message that Roger had appendicitis and had to have an operation.

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-The message was that Operation Wake-Up has started.

-O-oh, Operation Wake-Up...

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-Now stand by that phone and don't go to sleep!

-I got that part of the message!

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Sir.

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Take off that eye patch. I thought of that first.

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-You cannae wear one with glasses!

-I know! I'll take the glasses off.

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Why don't you wear this over the other eye...? Then you'd look very suspicious!

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Now watch it, Frazer.

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What game are you playing?

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Do you like it? I copied it from a photograph of Edward G Robinson.

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Brush the chalk off it.

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But we have to look like desperados!

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Yes, but not like American gangsters.

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-Do you think that fits the bill?

-I think it looks absurd.

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Well, you told us to look as suspicious as possible.

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There's a difference between suspicious and absurd. Where did you get it?

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-I used to wear it at the Tramps' Ball at the Savoy.

-Oh, really...?

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I've never seen anything look so stupid in my life.

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It's better than wearing an eye patch with glasses.

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-Wilson...

-Sir?

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I can understand Pike wearing something stupid...

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Very young boy. Vivid imagination.

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Thinks everything's a game.

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But I think you've dressed like that simply to annoy me.

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-Get those gloves and that hat off.

-All right. If you insist.

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MR HODGES WHISTLES "The Stripper"

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Oh, Lord!

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Bet you didn't know it was me, sir!

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You've gone too far.

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Let me be a nun. The papers say everyone's dressing up as a nun.

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-Just get it off.

-But I've ordinary clothes on underneath. I shan't look peculiar.

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I wouldnae say that, son.

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All right! Now settle down, the lot of you.

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Make yourselves comfortable. There are plenty of sacks. We move at first light.

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# Moonlight becomes you,

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# It goes with your hair... #

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Platoon, halt!

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We don't look suspicious or furtive enough.

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Yes, well, if I were to turn my collar up like this...

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make my eyes shifty like this...

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Any good?

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-Not really. Jones, tell the men to march like a rabble, in a shifty, furtive manner.

-Sir!

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Platoon, in shifty and furtive manner, like rabble, quick march!

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Halt...! Jones, stop that truck and ask where the aerodrome is.

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-I'll put on a German accent.

-Very good idea.

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Halt!

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Halt!

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Fool! I nearly ran you over!

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I vant to know, vhere is ze aerodrome?

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-What aerodrome?

-Er...any aerodrome.

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You heard him! Vhere is it?

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Foreigners! You're barmy!

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Don't take that tone with me, my man!

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Mr Mainwaring... you look even more suspicious now!

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We're getting nowhere at this rate. We've got to do something drastic.

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When somebody comes by, let's hit Hodges. We'll look like we're extracting information.

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Good idea. I'll go first. No!

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-We shall only pretend.

-That's right. We'll just pretend like this.

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That hurt!

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Something's coming.

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Right, Frazer, Wilson! You two, grab hold of him. Pike, Jones, start interrogating him.

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-PIKE USES AMERICAN ACCENT: You'd better talk!

-Stupid boy!

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-So you von't talk, hah?

-Hit him!

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Hey! What's going on?

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-Ve are asking ze questions!

-Ve vant answers!

-Oooh!

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What do you want to know?

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-Don't tell 'em!

-Shut up!

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They're fifth columnists!

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Rubbish! That's Mr Jones, the butcher.

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How did you know who I was?

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I live in Walmington! I know you all!

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And I know you! The last time I was in your shop, you short-changed me. I've been waiting for this.

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Oo-oh!

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Come on, back to the ship.

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Sailing tonight, are you? Now, careless talk costs lives!

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Sorry! Go to the crossroads. You can hitch a lift to Dover. It's only 20 miles.

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Thanks. Come on, Frenchy.

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Au revoir, mes amis. Good luck.

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French! Mmm.

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You done that deliberate! You held me while he hit me!

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Shut up! It was your own fault!

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-Serves you right. You give us shopkeepers a bad name.

-Halt!

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-This is absurd. Nobody's taking any notice of us.

-Try them men over there.

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-Good idea! And this time, I'll do the talking.

-In a German accent?

-No!

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Where's the aerodrome?

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Just a minute.

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-Those men look very suspicious.

-They do!

-More fifth columnists?

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-They're dressed like us. They must be.

-We can't be certain.

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-­ We should ask to see their papers.

-You're quite right.

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Come on.

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-Who are you?

-Who are YOU?

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-Why are you dressed like that?

-Why are you?

-Stop repeating me!

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-They look like spies.

-How absurd!

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-Show us your papers.

-Show us yours.

-I've had enough of this.

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I demand to see your papers!

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Give me that back.

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-Show us YOUR papers.

-Show us yours!

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-We're not going to.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-Oh, no, we're not.

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Halt!

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You know what we're doing. Come on!

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­ You can leave me out of this.

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All right, Hodges, you stay here. And hold your tongue.

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Come on.

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Ah...zat vas a very good morning's vork, vas it not?

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-Ja! A good morning's vork!

-Ja, ja! It vas a good morning!

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That's a fact...! Jawohl!

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That is ein fact!

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We have seen ze aerodrome!

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Did you count ze planes?

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-I made many notes.

-Und we have seen the ships!

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Also, I wrote down ze numbers of ze ships.

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But we need some more of ze information.

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Why do we not...ask them?

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This is a very good idea.

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We will ask them ze questions and get answers!

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That's done the trick. Let's get back to the mill.

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We can cut across the fields.

0:24:090:24:12

Hello, Mr Godfrey. You still here?

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I'm in charge of the telephone. Could you carry on for me for a few minutes?

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Yes, but don't be long. I won't be.

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Good morning, Vicar. Good morning.

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Platoon, HALT! >

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Do you mind? I want to get my sermon.

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GOOD morning! Mainwaring ABOUT?

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No.

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On Sunday morning! Where IS HE? I've no idea! PHONE RINGS

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Reverend Timothy Farthing... What?

0:24:500:24:52

There's no-one here. ..Oh, dear!

0:24:520:24:56

WHAT'S the matter? Dymchurch police want the home guard.

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Typical! Mainwaring's not here. Slacker! I'll take it.

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Move!

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Hello, hello. Captain Square here, commanding Eastgate platoon home guard, don't you know, what?

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What?

0:25:160:25:18

What?

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Good heavens...! I say, are you sure?

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I'll be over right away!

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They say there's a bunch of fifth columnists over there! Desperados!

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Armed to the teeth! Asking about aerodromes. They were seen at the Six Bells.

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I must get over there. Where is the Six Bells?

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Five miles up the Dymchurch road.

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Damnation! We've got no transport.

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Captain Mainwaring's van's outside. Damned good idea!

0:25:500:25:54

Shouldn't you ring GHQ? No! Come and show me the way.

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I'm not getting involved! And I've got to take the collection.

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Never mind that, you old fool. Come on, get out! Out, out, out!

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Which way did they GO?

0:26:110:26:14

They went that way, sir.

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Right, we'll get 'em! Ha-ha! Tally-ho!

0:26:160:26:20

Any sign of them, Captain?

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No. Nothing!

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There they ARE!

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We've got 'EM!

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All right, men, back in the van.

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Good morning's work, eh, Wilson?

0:26:480:26:51

Yes. We gave them quite a fright.

0:26:510:26:54

What are we doing now, Captain?

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-We'll march on the gasworks.

-Why?

0:26:560:27:00

It's 12 o'clock. Everybody's cooking Sunday lunch we turn off the gas.

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Right, men, surround the building.

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AND NOT A SOUND!

0:27:090:27:11

Come on, men! FOLLOW ME!

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What's that noise out there?

0:27:160:27:18

It's Captain Square.

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He's got my van!

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ALL RIGHT! I'll give you one minute to come out of there, WITH YOUR HANDS UP!

0:27:260:27:32

Or I'll BLAST you out!

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Don't panic he's going to blast us out! Don't panic! Don't panic!

0:27:340:27:40

-Jones!

-What do we do?

-I'm not surrendering to that idiot Square.

0:27:400:27:44

He's a trigger-happy maniac!

0:27:440:27:47

He won't shoot. Even he's not mad enough for that.

0:27:470:27:51

CHARGE!

0:27:560:27:58

Mainwaring, what the HELL are you doing here?

0:28:150:28:19

You madman! You nearly killed us all!

0:28:190:28:24

Well, Mainwaring, for the last few years you've been behaving like a clown, and now you look like one.

0:28:240:28:32

-It fooled you!

-Yes, we had you running all over the countryside.

0:28:340:28:39

-I knew who it was the whole time.

-Rubbish! You fell for it. You fool!

0:28:390:28:43

-You'll take that back!

-No. You've been a fool for years!

0:28:430:28:49

Don't call me a fool, you fool!

0:28:490:28:51

-I'll report you to the colonel.

-You rotten sneak!

0:28:510:28:56

I'll kick you out of the golf club!

0:28:560:28:59

You're not a member of the club.

0:28:590:29:02

Subtitles by BBC Scotland

0:29:580:30:00

Classic wartime sitcom. The people of Walmington are no longer taking the threat of invasion seriously. The platoon, therefore, masquerade as fifth columnists to test the town's reaction.