The Business Ideal

You think I'm an idiot, don't you?

Well, you're the idiot.

You're a lying, cheating, low-life slob.

And I've had just about as much as I can take.

So, if you so much as move,

I will blast

a hole in your head, big enough to put an Outspan orange inside!

NOISE IN HALLWAY

If you love me, you'll do it.

HE GASPS

Do you think he's dead?

Yes...that's what I think.

It's like a nightmare.

I wish it were a nightmare.

But it's not.

This programme contains some strong language

You're lucky I still had this body bag.

I were gonna sell it down the boot market.

Are you going to report this, then?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely.

And then, in a minute, I'll arrest myself.

Course I'm not going to report it!

I might be a policeman but I'm not an idiot.

What are we going to do with his...

his corpse? We can't flog that down the boot market.

Don't worry. I'll take it to the mortuary and then mislabel it.

It'll disappear into the system for years.

Christ! Moz and Jenny have only been back in Salford a few hours!

I suppose you've heard the news?

How could we have heard the news? We've been out the country.

Is it good news or is it bad news?

Well, it's just news, really.

Hey, you'll die when I tell you.

Die in a good way or die in a bad way?

In a good way.

I don't mind how I die. Just tell us.

That mate of yours, the copper...

he's moved into your old flat.

I know that.

And now your ex and her baby have moved back in.

I know that.

And now she's dealing hash and weed.

I didn't know that!

Psycho Paul, Cartoon Head.

- All right, Nicki? - Got my cash?

Just under £400.

- Just under? - Couldn't sell the Leb.

Understandable. It's not really a winter smoke.

Afghani black. 25 eighths. You know the prices, you know the people.

Go sell it. And remember...A-B-C.

Always be closi-i-ing.

What about the Leb?

That's your winter bonus, lads.

Psycho Paul's happy wi' that.

Cup o' coffee and a choccie chip?

Nicely, nicely.

She's got it well organised.

Could be heading for Businesswoman of the Year.

When I think of how hard a time she used to give me.

Nicki, a dealer! It's like...

It's like Chewbacca setting up as a speech therapist.

God, that's almost as shocking as Nicki dealing.

Jenny, Nicki is dealing.

Well, that's even weirder.

Exactly.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Moz? What you doing here?

We've come back.

But you can't come back.

- Well, we have. - We're as back as it gets.

But it's against the law.

What's your sudden interest in the law?

(Get inside.)

Fella, you're wanted for skipping the country whilst on bail.

Not to mention the probable heroin-dealing conviction.

You're Salford's biggest undesirable.

That's what it says on me business cards.

We've come back!

You can't come back.

- We've already finished arriving. - Well, I'm definitely here.

It's good to see you both.

Lovely to see you.

How'd you get back into the country?

Still got our replacement passports.

Never had a problem with them.

You are officially talking to Roger Muchmore.

And I'm Katherine Pimlett.

Or is it Sharon Pimlett?

It don't matter. I always check who I am before I enter a new country.

But aren't you worried about being picked up by his lot?

What do you mean, his lot?

Every copper is completely different.

That's why we have different numbers.

But she's right. Bit of a gamble coming back, fella.

- What made you risk it? - We're skint.

I spent me last euro in Mexico.

Wow, what's it like?

It's a bit like a pound coin.

No, I meant, what's Mexico like?

She wouldn't know, she's not been.

Oh.

So where was it them blokes were wearing sombreros?

Ibiza.

They were accountants. From Bolton.

No wonder I couldn't understand what they were saying!

We come back cos Cartoon Head owes me two grand.

One time when I were flush, I were stupid enough to invest

in one of his get-rich-quick schemes.

MUSIC PLAYS

Glad you've kept the old machine in good working order.

It would have broke me heart if she'd been up on bricks.

Been a lot of changes.

Has there?

Nah.

So...when you leaving?

Keen to be shot of us, aren't you?

Hey, I'm risking me badge, just being seen talking to you.

So, you and Nicki are sticking it out, then?

What do you mean, "sticking it out"?

We're a couple, if that's what you mean.

Soz.

Has it all been plain sailing, then?

Course not.

Obviously there's been...

..little blips.

(SHOUTS) You never listen!

No, Nicki! Look, I'm telling...

But we've also had a lot of fun.

Now, then...

..I'm going to pour this runny honey

between my legs.

And you are going to spend the next half an hour

eating...it all...up.

- T-t-that's lime pickle. - Shh!

Aye, she's a woman of many moods.

Most of them bad 'uns.

Tell you what, though, she's really turned the dealing business around.

Has she?

Well, I reckon hash-dealing is pretty much recession-proof.

WOMAN ON POLICE RADIO: 'Suspected scuffle in progress

'outside Happy Kidz Nursery.'

Ooh, that sounds like an easy one.

I might go for that.

Should show me face, really.

K23. I'm on me way...

as of...immediately.

'Yeah, thought that one had your name on it.'

All right,

see you later, fella.

And remember...

keep a low profile.

Have you missed me?

I've missed you.

Brian! You all right?

Moz! What a surprise! I knew you'd come back.

Lovely to see you.

Hey, have you put weight on? No. You remember Jamie.

We slept together, but then it turned out he was me son?

Oh, yeah. It's all coming sludging back.

Nice to see you again.

And this is Nathaniel.

Isn't he scrummy?

Hi. I used to be Natalie - Jamie's mum.

So, what, are you getting the old gang back together for one last job?

Well, the main thing is that now

we can just get on with being a nice, normal family.

How much is your skunk?

This is 20 and it does the damage.

But this is 25.

Lovely smoke, a very smooth, warm, heady high.

Wow. You've got all the patter down.

Done your Dealer Awareness Day(?)

I'll have an eighth of the 20.

I'll take an eighth of the 25, ta.

My throat is a temple passageway.

It's not the passageway that gets the most use, though!

THEY LAUGH

Not in front of the children.

So, are you all...

going to counselling or anything?

The world is my counsellor.

I talk to everybody about my problems, all the time.

Marvellous. I think counselling's really healthy,

just as long as you don't tell 'em your deepest worries and fears.

Jamie is studying post-punk dentistry, aren't you?

- No, I'm not. - You are.

- I'm not. - What are you studying?

- Just dentistry. - Oh!

So where have I got post-punk from?

I dunno.

I thought you said new-romantic dentistry.

No!

I think it's only ordinary dentistry you can do.

Don't forget cosmetic dentistry.

- Make-up? For teeth? - I feel a bit let down.

I'd got all excited about the post-punk bit.

So, what, you're just gonna learn how to do fillings and shit?

It's a good earner, being a dentist.

My dentist's got two Mercedes.

And a big Afro.

Did you say dentist or pimp?

I'm doing what I've always wanted to do.

Aw!

Our little boy, all grown up and gay.

Hey, we should shoot. We've got Cher-robics in half an hour.

Cher-robics?

It's a high-impact,

cardiovascular workout in full Cher outfit and wig.

BRIAN: Oh! He's got me, babe!

The fat just dances off you.

What an enchanting image.

We'll see ourselves out.

Bye, Bri. Bye, Nathaniel. Bye, Jamie.

Bye.

Hey! Don't forget, not a word to anyone!

- Spare keys. - Ta.

Jen, it's cash-back time.

I'm just off to see Cartoon Head.

JENNY: OK. I'm gonna carry on soaking.

And I'm popping round Amanda-with-the-weird-eyes's.

JENNY: OK. I'm gonna carry on soaking.

Bye.

I ought to cut you in two.

Goodbye.

That was my ex.

Moz! Brian said you were back. When did you arrive?

Just a couple of hours ago.

Haven't had a proper chance to really drink the place in yet.

Hiya, Nicki. I brought your axe back.

Thanks.

I just used it to chop up a tall boy.

No! A tall boy - a cupboard.

God. Do you think I'm some kind of crazy psycho-bitch?

GIGGLES WEIRDLY

- We're going to head off. - That's OK.

I wondered if I could sell you some raffle tickets? A pound each.

We're raising money for disadvantaged quads.

Go on, then.

I'll have two.

Tickets, not quads. I wouldn't want to break up a set!

Great.

Moz?

Nah.

I'll be out of the country by the time you do the draw.

It's the thought that counts.

Well, I thought I wouldn't bother!

Go on!

I bet you don't accept euros, do you?

Yeah.

All right, then. All right, we'll take...

..one, ta.

I'm feeling lucky.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

COCKNEY ACCENT: Yeah, this is Roger Muchmore.

All right, Andrew. Nah, I'm in Manchester.

I've managed to track down the toilet what nicked my passport.

Yeah. I'm gonna give him a right good fucking kicking. Ta-ta.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Ooh, you've grown that tache quick, haven't you?

Not sure if I like it.

Hey, the others are out.

Fancy a quick shag?

Come on.

That is so tickly!

ZIP IS OPENED

SHE GASPS

You're...you're all different.

Have you converted to Jewishism?

SHE SQUEALS

And...when did you get this big Chelsea tattoo?

COCKNEY ACCENT: Sod the fucking tattoo!

Are you gobbling or not?

SHE GASPS

Ooh!

I am if you do that voice!

That is such a turn-on!

- Well, get on with it. - Hmm.

Lovely...

..jubbly!

Now, then,

where's my passport?

I dunno.

I thought you always carried it with you.

And...when were you expecting me back?

SHE LAUGHS

You are back.

I'm expecting nothing.

Did you get the money?

- What bleeding money? - The two grand.

- Did you get it? - Nah.

But I will.

- Look... - I love that voice.

I feel like I'm in The Bill.

Do you fancy another bash?

Another bash?

On the condition that you shave that off.

I don't mind the tattoo and the whole...

Jewish thing, but that tache has got to go.

It's gone.

But don't stop doing the voice.

The voice ain't a problem, darling.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hiya.

Do you need help shaving?

'What? Are you on the vodka?'

Do the voice!

'What?'

Do you need me to come and hold the razor?

Or squirt your foam?

'Eh? Jenny, what you on about?'

'Who's holding a razor?'

ROGER: Nearly done, darling.

'Jenny?'

'Jenny?'

KEYS RATTLING

- Roger... - ..Muchmore.

Hello?

Right.

Where's my passport, you toilet?

In me trousers, back left-hand pocket.

You're gonna have to roll us over.

Nice one.

Hey! That's my property!

- Property is theft. - Well, roll us back again!

What about the wacky baccy next door? You a dealer?

Used to be...but I lapsed.

So who's the dealer? Not the blonde bimbo?!

- Nicki? - Dunno her name,

but she's dynamite in the sack.

What've you done to her?

More a case of what she done to me.

MUFFLED SHOUTING

You stay put, pal. I'll nip next door and grab the gear.

Might even have another go of blondie.

MUFFLED SHOUTING

Ta-ta.

Fucking northerners.

Moz?

What you doing?

I ain't doing nothing, sweetheart.

What? What you talking like that for?

Don't it turn you on, love?

No. It sounds like Ross Kemp has had a stroke. Now put down my hash.

It belongs to me now.

I presume this is yours?

Shouldn't leave it lying around.

The safety's on.

It was. I took it off.

GROANS

WOMAN ON POLICE RADIO: 'K23, a suspected break-in

'at 88 Branch Road.'

I, um...I can't, really.

'Yes, you can.'

I'm...I'm injured.

I'm at the infirmary.

I've been...

I've been wounded.

'Yeah? Who by?'

A youth. Youth with knife.

- 'Another one?' - Yeah.

It's definitely on the increase.

I might need a couple of stitches.

Iodine.

Oh, I'm being called through.

Better go. SWITCHES OFF RADIO

If you love me, you'll do it.

HE GASPS

Look. Look, I'd best get him in the boot of the panda.

We can't tell anybody about this.

As far as we're concerned, this never happened.

KNOCK ON DOOR

- Argh! - What?

I thought you were dead!

- I thought he was dead. - What?

I thought I'd chopped his head off.

What? You thought you'd just killed Moz?

That's Roger Muchmore.

What was I supposed to think?

He looked like Moz, he...chopped like Moz.

You didn't seem very upset about his death.

Well, I'm...I'm police.

You don't seem that pleased to see me alive, either!

Maybe I should start wearing a steel polo neck.

Hey, you should be flattered.

I were prepared to kill Moz to save your life.

Aw!

- Isn't that sweet? - Heart-warming(!)

Hey, hey, what you doing?

How many blokes get to look at their own corpse?

Plus, I think this could be quite cosmic.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

That which don't kill me can only make me stronger.

Anyway...

..he's got me two grand.

Cosmic. KNOCK ON DOOR

Moz?

How many yous are there?

- I want me old life back. - Why? It were shit.

- We're going to kill Cartoon Head. - Sorry.

I'm Tilly. I live at number 8.

Me and my tits have got better things to do.

These fans made a pizza of me face.

Some days I forget I've got a memory.

Life's not as simple as Dan Brown would have us believe.