The American Ideal

This programme contains adult humour.

Hey, I bought meself a treat yesterday, look.

A sponge isn't a treat.

It's a real sponge.

It cost me 20 quid.

20 quid?! For a sponge?!

Where's that gold-leaf bog roll I asked for(?)

How can that be worth 20 quid?

You don't understand. It's a real sponge.

What do you think that is, CGI?

(TUTS)

Do you remember that bloke Marvin we met in Italy?

Used to hire out the scooters to tourists?

No.

The one-eyed albino Nigerian who looked like Bono?

(GASPS) Oh, yeah.

He asked me if I wanted to go into partnership with him,

and I were thinking maybe we could give it a go.

After all, we can't stay in the UK. I mean...

this place is a dump, anyway.

We could have a new life.

A bright new start.

Ohh.

OK!

Italy it is.

(LAUGHS) I love vodka.

GIGGLES

Hey, I wonder how thingy is.

-Who?

-Thingy.

Thingy?

-You know who I mean.

-I haven't a clue.

Girlie.

Which girlie?

She's really short.

Give us a clue.

-You know, me baby.

-Jenny?

What?

No. That's what your baby's called Jenny.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

You know, some days I forget I've got a memory.

Jenny's gone round her mam's.

And what are your plans?

Sit on the sofa till she gets back, rolling a succession of spliffs?

Hmm. A tantalising proposition, but no.

I'm going to go and book two plane tickets for Trapani.

Isn't that near Swansea?

All right, Google Earth(!) It's in Italy.

We're moving over there.

I'm going to run a vehicle-hire business.

What? Loaning a couple of scooters to tourists?

Yeah.

KNOCKING

There's more to life than selling weed to knobheads.

-Well, well, talk of the devil.

-Moz.

I didn't know you were back.

Arrived under cover of night. Since then I've been under cover of duvet.

So, two quarters of Afghani,

a half of skunk

and a quarter of White Widow, yeah?

We're going to write some songs.

You back in Manchester for good now?

I'm going to Italy.

You're looking at Trapani scooter king numero uno.

We did some gigs in Italy.

These fans made a pizza of me face.

We've all thought about it.

Hey, since you've been away, this lot, they've gone supernova.

That documentary Yentob did on us...

...that was the turning point.

Within a month, we went from total cult thing to being proper stars.

Don't worry. I'll always think of you as a pair of cults.

We're enjoying mainstream penetration.

Who wouldn't(!)

We've even got our own action figures coming out.

-Action figures? Are you serious?

-Check 'em out.

That's me...and that's him.

Hours of fun(!)

I'm fully pose-able.

We're both fully pose-able.

All right.

You get loads of different kinds of accessories.

I come with my own mini mini-Moog.

I come with a mini giant copper egg.

I can just hatch out of it again...and again...and again.

It looks like our old boiler.

Hmm.

I'm going to give you both me... as a present.

And I'm going to give you me.

The set!

You never think you're going to live to see

the day your mates are miniaturised.

Your codpiece is out of proportion.

I said for 'em to make it bigger.

No, that's what I'm saying.

It looks too big.

No, it doesn't!

You could have a kid's eye out with that.

KNOCKING

Blimey, it's United Colours of Benetton.

Morris...

Always knew you'd come crawling back.

Actually, we flew.

Nice to see you.

Likewise.

The gang's had a few line-up changes since I last saw you.

It's good to have a proper gang-sized gang.

I never expected I'd see Ivan The Horrible again!

Cartoon Head's taking care of his little brother.

Nikolai's one of us now.

Aren't you? You dick!

Steve hit me!

Is not fair.

Ow!

Isn't this a bit like Daddy Day Care for you?

Whoa, blud!

This is totally a bed.

I won't get more cosy than this.

I'm telling you... I could fall asleep like that.

Is soft, but not too soft.

For the first time in me life,

I is truly...lying down...

Where's the lady of the house?

What, Torchwood? She's in the loo. Why?

We've got some business.

Drug business.

Shut it, Scrappy-Doo!

-Are you lot working for Nicki?

-ALL: Yeah.

-- NIKOLAI: Da.

-- PAUL: No!

We don't work for her. We work with her. Psycho Paul's in charge.

Oh, it's you lot.

Have you done what I told you?

-- Yeah.

-- Da.

Yeah. We did, yeah.

Two weights of Afghani.

Nice.

You know the people, you know the prices.

Do you know, I can never remember the prices.

I recognise the people, but the prices...

Laters, Nicki.

All right, Kitten? What you reading?

Oh, it's the new Dan Brown.

Any good?

Well, either he's lost his touch or I've lost mine...

RUSTLING

What have you got there?

Binoculars. Top of the range.

I've never really understood. What exactly is it binoculars are for?

-They can help you see things properly.

-Really?

Sor...sorry, Carol.

I-I didn't mean you.

I mean binoculars help people who can already see

see things even further and even clearer.

That must be smashing for you.

Well, once you've seen one thing, you've seen everything, really.

So what do you want 'em for?

I'm keeping an eye on this little cold-storage warehouse out the back here.

Is that a thing people do?

Warehouse watching?

It is if they want to make money.

You're going to bet on a warehouse?!

That's right, Kitten.

Life's not as simple as Dan Brown would have us believe.

So, how come you've got Psycho Paul's gang doing all your dealing?

It's a bit dangerous, innit?

It's like RoboCop being your chiropodist.

They do as they're told.

After all, they're getting 60% of the profits.

What, they earn more than you?!

You've gone mad wi' the lack of power.

But it cost me nothing to begin with.

It's just the gear that PC seizes on busts, and every penny is pure profit.

It's not like when you were piddling about

selling tenths to a bunch of social ingrates.

What?! I earned a good living!

No, you didn't!

We never had any holidays, we never any had treats.

You smoked most of the stock yourself,

and any money you did make, you pissed away down the Horses!

Yeah? And the main reason I went down the Horses

-was to get away from your nagging.

-Oh, really? Is that a fact?

And the irony is... that most of it was nagging me

to stop dealing to get a proper job!

I can't stop. Massive riot kicked off down the 99p shop.

They've done literally pounds' worth of damage.

But the good news is,

as of this morning, you have been taken off our most-wanted list.

What?

-I pulled a few strings.

-Strings? You've access to strings(?)

It all started when that heroin

disappeared under mysterious circumstances.

-Sold like hot cakes.

-So what happens next?

Well, it might take up to six months,

but eventually, the police'll send you a letter of apology

and some M&S vouchers.

Wow, fella!

Great! Great!

So how long are you going to be staying here?

Well, for ever.

What about your big plans? I thought you were moving to Italy?

I can't really be arsed.

Well, there's not room for the four of us to live here.

No. Now you can move back to your place.

This is my place.

This is our place!

-I thought you still had your own place.

-Yeah, but...

Well, me and her had an argument and she chucked me out of my place.

And then you let me take over this place and it sort of became... my place.

-But then I forgave him...

-Well, I forgave you.

I forgave him and then I moved back in here, and so it became our place.

So what happened to your old place?

Well, I gave it up. It's somebody else's place now.

Talk about stupid-idity!

Well, I didn't know you were going to come back!

I thought there were more chance of Richey Manic galloping up on Shergar!

The contract for this place is in my name.

CHAIR CLATTERS

And I have returned to claim my ancestral seat.

Moz is back...

...and he's in full effect.

(RADIO CRACKLES) 'K-23, where are you?'

'Backup required.'

Oh...I should go.

Oh, don't worry, love.

I'll find somewhere... much better than this dump.

Oi! I've just got this place how I wanted it!

Sorry.

Good luck in your new home(!)

Who's been mucking about in here now?

PHONE RINGS

-Hi, Jen.

-'Hiya.'

I were just going to call you.

-Guess what?

-'What?'

Got some good news.

All the charges against me have been dropped.

LAUGHS

We don't have to fly to the Mediterranean.

We're free to hang around Salford.

'But what about your master plan?

'The fresh start?

'Our brand-new life?'

I can't really be arsed. Can you?

'Well...no, not really.'

Attagirl.

'Anyway, I'm going to stay at me mum's tonight.

'Thought I might bond wi' me baby. She is nearly two.

'And Mum's cooking chicken dinner.'

Okey-doke.

Well, I might pop round the Horses for a swift one. Warm up.

It's all got a bit frosty here. Bye!

Mrs Rupani.

How are you?

Very well, thank you, Mr Moz.

Your rent has been very prompt the last few months.

Like never before.

Well, you know how it is - some of us are mature, some of us are manure.

What?

Nowt. What you up to?

Up to? I am coming to monitor the redecoration

of the flat vacated by Reverend Fistwick.

-Hello, Miss Nicki.

-Hiya.

Actually, you might be able to help.

I'm looking for a flat... in a bit of a hurry.

You and Mr Moz separating?

It was only ever a marriage of inconvenience.

As I was just saying, the flat next door will be available from Saturday.

The rent would be the same as for next door.

No pets, no children, no central heating.

I'll take it.

You probably want to think it over for a day or so.

I'll take it. And the decorating will be finished by Saturday?

That is correct, isn't it?

That is correct.

What is this?

A big splash.

Nicki, are you sure you want to be here?

Are you sure you wouldn't prefer to be anywhere but here?

This is definitely the right move. Definitely!

Where one door closes, another door opens.

I'll get that fixed.

VEHICLE APPROACHES

Oh, don't stress. We'll be here for two minutes.

That's what you said about the Body Shop.

We were in there for nearly an hour! My nip and tuck took less time.

New cranberry and peach skin-care range?

Of course I'm going to want to use up all the free samples!

I can't be late for my anger management class!

Oh! A few minutes ain't going to make any difference.

Yes, it will! For Christ's sake, Brian!

Your relaxed attitude is stifling me.

Yeah? Well, maybe I wouldn't have to be so... relaxed

if you weren't so angsty and...breasty!

You said you liked my tits.

I said I didn't mind working around 'em.

Well, at least I haven't got a face

like a dog's arse that's gone through a windscreen!

I'll have you know I am not just good looking...

-(SCOFFS)

-...I am morbidly gorgeous!

Oi! Minger The Merciless, either keep the volume down,

or turn it up so I can hear what you're saying properly.

I have nothing more to say.

Neither have I, Brian.

Me and my tits have got better things to do.

Wow!

-Did he just dump you?

-I dumped him.

Right... Cos it sort of looked like he dumped you.

I dumped him. Now let us never gossip of this again.

So, do you still want to go through with it, then?

Even though murder is almost definitely a sin?

Smashing.

So, now you're not leaving the country?

No. I want me old life back.

Why? It was shit.

My life wasn't that bad. Homeless people used to envy me.

But you can go anywhere in the world you want.

I wish I could be like you.

I'm glad I'm not like you. Going out with man wi' tits.

I say don't mess wi' the factory settings.

Yeah, well, that's all in the past now.

I shall never trust another bosom.

Hey, you should throw a big homecoming party.

I'll organise it all for you.

No way.

It'll be just like that time you brought them people back from that club.

MUSIC: "Bela Lugosi's Dead" by Bauhaus

-Happy New Year!

-BANG

I don't want to make a big song and dance about me being back.

So not a word to anyone.

-Is it a hush-hush secret?

-No.

It's not a secret.

I'd just rather folk found out in a more...organic way.

Blimey, listen to the Wholemeal Kid.

Right. I'm off down Zyklon B's.

Ooh, hi-hi.

So, it's all change, then?

Yep. As of Saturday, I'm based next door.

-You're movin' in wi' Fist?

-No, I am not moving in with Fist.

He's moved out. Although I've lived with worse.

So, where's he gone?

Nobody knows. We can only assume he's left to work on a kibbutz.

So you'll have your dad across the landing and your ex living next door

making a success of your old job?

Italy not looking so bad now.

Ciao, bella.

Listen, Nicki, if there's anything I can do to help, anything at all,

then just say the word.

OK. Well, I'm going out in a few minutes,

so what would be really helpful would be if by the time I got back,

all my stuff that's in the hall had been moved into next door's bedroom.

'(SIGHS) Damn! I didn't mean that kind of anything.'

Ooh, God! Sorry.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

-Are you moving in?

-I'm already in.

Oh, my gosh! I thought I knew everybody.

I'm Tilly. I live in number 8.

Moz.

Moz. Moz. Wow!

Moz. That's like an olde English name.

Quite probably. I've had it for as long as I can remember.

-When did you say you were moving in?

-I've lived here five months.

Never!

-Oh, hiya, Till.

-Hi, Nicki.

Hi, Cartoon Head. Are you OK?

You look a little run down. Do you need an Echinacea headband?

-Where you guys going?

-I'm going to put my earnings in an ISA.

-CH is riding shotgun. See ya.

-Bye.

Hello, Tilly.

-Hi, Carol.

-Hang on...

How do you even know Tilly's there?

Well, I recognise the perfume. It's Calvin Klein Euphonium, isn't it?

It is!

It's lovely, that. See you later.

Bye.

So you're not moving in to Fist's old flat?

No. Nicki's movin' in there.

-I've moved back into my old flat.

-Oh...so you've been here before?

I've been here 16 years' worth of before.

-Can I check it out?

-Do.

Ooh, so you'll want to give the whole place a fresh new look, huh?

-I'm re-imagining as we speak.

-I do interior design work.

Do you want me to bring some swatches over?

-I don't wear one.

-No, fabric samples.

I'll bring some over.

Oh...I love all fabric.

For the lounge, either a modular sofa

or some microfibre throw pillows with deep button work.

What a choice.

(WHISPERS) Yeah(!)

Oh, I have my sacred carpentry class.

-I'll catch you later.

-Live long and prosper.

What you doing?

Moving Nicki's stuff in.

-Th...thing is, I'm pretty busy.

-Well,

if you help me shift it, I'll be out your hair in half the time. Deal?

Deal.

-Argh!

-Hello, Moz.

Sorry.

Judith! You made me jump. What you doing in here?

Oh, I'm just hanging out.

I didn't know you were back.

Yeah, well, I'm trying to keep it low-key.

So...I heard you split up with Cartoon Head.

-Yes. He really hates me now.

-What makes you say that?

He took a contract out on my life.

Does sound like he's gone off you a bit.

CH found out that I was two-timing him with someone else.

-Sorry.

-Shit!

I hope the gentleman in question was worth the risk.

It were me brother, Marco.

Wow!

Cartoon Head's already put Marco in hospital. He's on three drips.

-So what you going to do?

-Well...

um...we had a serious talk about this,

and we realised there's only one sensible option.

-We're going to kill Cartoon Head.

-Sorry.

But you're pregnant!

That doesn't mean I can't lead an active social life.

But we're talking about murder here.

Worse than that, we're talking murder one -

the highest number of murder there is.

If I don't kill Cartoon Head, he's going to kill me.

Can't you just...just disappear?

I tried to disappear. But I keep reappearing.

Tell him about Chessington World of Adventure.

Me and Marco went there to escape, but Cartoon Head caught up with us.

He attacked Marco on the log flume.

-Really?

-There's photographic evidence.

I've got it on two 10x8s, a mouse mat and a key ring.

You can't go head-to-head with Cartoon Head.

I mean, come on!

He's a tooled-up gangster, with over 20 kills under his belt.

Whereas in the red corner,

you've got a mild-mannered odd-job man and a pregnant girl!

Well...we've got the element of surprise.

-In what way?

-Um, in that, in that he's...

not expecting to be killed...

by us.

Sorry.

RATTLING

Right.

Methinks 'tis the bonging hour.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Troy. You all right, our kid?

'All right, bro. Brian said you were back.'

Oh, did he? God bless old Klaxon-Gob(!)

'Hey, fancy comin' down for a celebratory rave?

'Floorgasm are doin' a night of Future Skool and Crab Step.'

Tempting, but I don't want to make a big song and dance about being back.

Just going to stay in and chillax.

Maybe I'll even chilleditate.

-'You sure? Cos it's going to be ment...'

-BEEP

KNOCK AT DOOR

SIGHS

(AS AL PACINO) Just when I thought I was gonna get out of it,

dey pull me back in!

Tania.

All right, Moz?

Brian said you were back.

What?!

I told Count Baldula not to say a word.

Did you not want me to know?

Er...no. Look, I don't mind you knowing.

-It's just every bugger else.

-Aw!

That's sweet.

Brian said Nicki's moving in to Fist's old flat.

Blimey! Did he read you the minutes of the entire meeting?

Yes, Nicki's moving back in next door with PC Plop.

I don't know what happened to Fist.

Fist's reintegrated into society.

Really?

I think society's probably going to find that quite hard.

Tilly helped him out.

-Tilly...? The American lass?

-She got him

taking his medication again.

Helped him value himself more.

Pretty soon he was right as rain.

-LOL.

-Yeah.

Have you seen Psycho Paul? He's not answering his mobile.

We were supposed to go to Bikram Hot Yoga together.

Yoga?

Paul just watches.

I've not seen him since this morning. Hey!

Maybe he's reintegrated into society, too.

Jesus! I hope it's not contagious.

Hi-hi!

There were a sale on at World of Leather.

Hey, you!

I wanted to keep quiet about being back, didn't I?

But I made the mistake of telling the gay CNN.

Me? I've hardly told a soul.

CHEERING

A toast to Moz.

He was here, then he went away, then he came back again...

just like the way each season

goes away each year, only to return the next.

First, spring makes itself known when each bud is...

Please do not do say about seasons. Everybody know season.

It good news to have you back, Moz.

Yeah, but you still look a bit of a dick.

Yeah. Whatever.

Let's do this thing.

FEEDBACK WHINES

MUSIC:" The Boys Are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy

# Guess who just got back today

# Those wild-eyed boys Who've been away

# Haven't changed haven't much to say

# But, man, I still think them cats are crazy... #

I'm going to do a Beatles song next. Get Back.

# ...How you were Where you could be found

# Told them you were living downtown

# Driving the old men crazy

# The boys are back in town

# The boys are back in town

# I said the boys are... #

(MACHINE SLOWS) # ... back in town. #

FIZZLES TO SILENCE

Oh, well. I said I didn't want to make a big song and dance about, it anyway.

FEEDBACK WHINES

-So what's your plan?

-Human organ trading.

-I never thought I'd kill someone.

-It's beautiful.

The old team back together again.

-I can't believe this place.

-Leave her alone!

Nikolai...

Show Morris your penis.

Subtitles by RED BEE MEDIA LTD

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