The Kill Ideal

-I think you were born to work in a garden centre.

-I'm...I'm scared.

Me mate Terry'll show you the ropes.

You'll love Terry. He's like me, but at 100mph.

I'm not sure about this.

This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of violence.

(TALKS IN JAPANESE)

Terry'll probably start you off working alongside the ferns.

And I know you'll be pleasantly excited

by some of the variegated ferns you'll be selling.

Do we have to do this?

What about plan B - not bother?

I've seriously put meself out for you on this, Moz.

So, yeah. You do have to do this.

You've got to work at the garden centre, Moz. The reasons are manifold.

No ferns!

No variegated ferns!

I can feel it in me stomach.

And me kidneys. Me liver.

Me spleen.

Oh, I can feel it in me colon.

Me head's aching.

And I've got pins and needles running up and down me arms.

Ooh...

Argh...!

I've got to get a job!

(PHONE RINGS)

-Brian, you all right?

-'Hi-hi.

'Hey, look, if you're still looking for a job,

'summat's come up that you can help us with.'

I...I'm not doing owt pervy.

Or anything based in a garden centre.

'How about sticking letters in envelopes and licking them shut?'

-(KNOCKING)

-What?

'Listen, Moz, if you do it with us, I'll split the cash with you.'

How much they paying and how many envelopes?

'Um...a hundred for a thousand.'

I'd best go. Radiohead have just arrived.

'OK, I'll be round about eightish?'

Nicely, nicely.

All right, Morris?

Is the boss in?

The boss? Who do you mean?

Sephiroth? Bowser?

He means Nicki, like.

No, probably off choosing curtains for her new underground lair.

Never mind.

We'll just barge in anyway.

Well, this is nice, isn't it?

Chance for a proper catch-up.

Me and CH have come up with a scheme to make shedloads of cash

with zero fuss.

Smart. So what's your plan?

Human organ trading.

Human organs...from humans?

Let's face it, people are always going to need guts inside them.

It's good blood money.

I mean...

money, blud.

But...where you going to get your...

...your stock from?

I'm guessing it's not off eBay.

There's always innards knocking about,

if you know where to look.

So where do you look?

As if we're going to tell you!

We got to protect our interests, blud.

We're not idiots! If we told you where we got them from,

-you'd be straight down that mortuary.

-Shut it, Orville!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hiya, Mum!

Yeah, I'm just going to start measuring up.

Yeah. I don't know what it is,

but something makes me feel really safe here.

Morris, do you swear

not to muscle in on our organ-dealing patch?

I swear.

Honest, you can trust me.

I am not on the entrails trail.

Glad to hear it.

So, have you got a...a job on today?

Today...we're doing something a little bit spesh.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Nikolai...

...show Morris your penis.

No problem.

Um, not between meals, thanks.

That is a serious piece of kit.

It's true. You don't get many of them to the yard.

Big penis better than small penis,

because small penis

is much smaller than big penis.

It's obvious once you say it.

So, do you deal in a range of organs or is it members only?

We can get you anything you fancy, Morris.

Heart, lungs, liver, kidney - all the trimmings.

You sure about this?

Cos if you ask me, five men walking round with six cocks

sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Who was the previous owner?

Guy called Marco.

Ginger-nut decorator?

I always ignored him.

Shit, I'd heard he was in the hospital,

but I didn't know it was cos you'd...nipped him in the bud.

What did he do to deserve that?

He put it where it didn't belong.

What?

He's gay, so you cut his cock off?

Doesn't that verge on homophobic?

He's not gay!

He was a naughty little Marco.

He shagged CH's bird.

Ooh!

Judith?

Sorry!

There's one more knob we need to harvest.

Is there?

Would it be one I might recognise?

You know Marco's brother, Jake?

-Yeah.

-Now Jake is shagging Judith.

I don't think he is. I think they're just working together.

What? How do you know?

We're going to kill Cartoon Head.

Sorry.

I don't.

I don't...know. I'm guessing.

CH has already give Jake one warning.

Showed him what was inside the Red Bag.

But he didn't learn.

So now we've got to step in and stop the shagging.

I've got this one.

(CREAKING)

(RATTLING)

-Oh!

-Yeah?

Troy, what are you doing in the wardrobe?

-Chilling out.

-But this isn't your flat.

I know!

I'm just squatting, aren't I? Donna chucked us out again.

Had a row over a prawn biryani in the bath.

Well, now I'm chucking you out.

Cos as of Saturday, this is going to be my flat.

What you going to do with the wardrobe?

Well, forgive the curve ball,

but I was going to hang clothes in it.

Such a waste.

I'm off down IKEA. There's a flat-pack down there with my name on it.

Bye!

I'll keep an eye on Narnia for you(!)

Hiya, Moz. Good time, bad time?

Is Psycho Paul still here?

Hiya, Tania.

Nah, you missed the Bloodhound Gang by about half an hour.

Shit.

What's the matter?

Nothing. I just... I think Psycho Paul's slipping away from me.

I wish he'd slip away from me.

Moz, I love him.

How can you love Psycho Paul?

He's a nutcase!

How can you love Jenny? She's a nutcase.

Yeah, well...

But what is it I love?

Is it the nut or just the case?

Just loving the case is superficial.

You have to love the whole nut.

Yeah. You're probably right.

It doesn't matter what I think about Paul - I love him.

It's just how things are, innit?

The mind thinks. But the heart knows.

Where do you reckon they've gone?

I couldn't be certain,

but I wouldn't be surprised if they weren't out harvesting groins.

Oh... Oh.

Thanks for all your help.

No worries.

Hey, perhaps I should be a psychotherapist for a living.

How hard can it be?

Let people moan on about their problems.

All I'd have to do is sit there, nodding like a dashboard dog.

See you soon, yeah?

I think I've made some real progress today.

(SOBBING)

I'm Jake. What you doing?

Measuring up. This is all going to be finished

by the weekend, isn't it?

Isn't it...?

Yeah.

You have to go.

Oh. Why?

Cos I'm using a highly toxic paste.

What is that for? Ethnic cleansing(?)

It's for sticking down your kitchen tiles.

I've got a mask.

Right.

Well, I'd best evacuate before the napalm hits, eh?

Thank you for your co-operation.

I'm not sure I can go through with this. Sorry.

Together we're strong...

ish.

-Colin, Carmel!

-Hey, it's so great to see you! Mmm...

All right, mate? The old team, back together again.

So when did you get back? I thought you'd settled in Portugal.

I saw you as a trainee sardine fisherman by now,

and you with big earrings, selling paella and chips.

Well, Portugal is beautiful, but when winter came,

we just missed Salford too much.

Is Jenny here?

No, she's off visiting Jenny, The Next Generation.

We can't stay. I've got to check in with my probation officer.

Be an emotional moment for you.

Yeah... it's been nearly six months now.

I mean, we've texted and done Skype, but it's not the same.

Cartoon Head? It's me. Sorry.

Listen, we need to have a serious natter.

Fist's old flat?

15 minutes?

Great.

See you, CH.

-This is it, then.

-Definitely. Sorry.

I suppose I'd better get my murder weapon ready.

So now you're back, are you dealing again?

No, I've opted for a life of quiet contemplation and self-abuse.

Nicki, on the other hand, is dealing up a storm.

Nicki? A dealer? In seriously?

Yeah, she's going for it big-time.

She's like a blonde, Welsh Scarface, but more moody.

Bloody hell. When I think of all the grief

-she gave you when you were dealing.

-Yeah, I know.

Ah, I bet you feel like a total pillock now

for putting up with it, don't you?

Eh? Don't you feel like a pillock?

-No.

-You've got every right to.

It's true. It's OK to feel a pillock.

I don't feel a pillock!

Oh. We have to go. Probation!

Listen, we have to get together with Jenny

and celebrate a fresh start, huh?

Yeah. Come round tomorrow night, and we'll all get totally mashed.

-Mm-hm.

-See you, Moz.

Ciao.

-Hi.

-Hola.

Hi, Moz.

You OK, Tilly?

Yeah. Would you like to come over?

I've got some great ideas for your apartment.

And I've got some crushed velvet that is going to make you swoon.

Crushed velvet will do that to me.

I've seen a lot of death, working at various undertakers.

In the end, I suppose it stopped being a problem

and started being a...perk.

Sorry.

But I never thought I'd actually kill someone. Did you?

I never thought I'd actually kill someone.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Hello, Cartoon Head. How are you?

I can tell you're angry.

You've got that look on your face.

Look, we had some good times together.

I can't think of any right now, but I'm sure we did.

So can't we just go our separate ways?

I'll...I'll bring the baby up on my own.

CH.

CH.

(CHOKES)

Leave her alone!

Teamwork.

I can't believe this place.

It's not exactly how I want it,

but I'm thinking about some faux elephant-hide wallpaper.

It's amazing.

You've managed to erase almost all traces of Salford.

Have you ever tried durian juice?

Not knowingly.

Or willingly.

I think you're going to love it.

Why don't you put on some music?

Okey-doke.

Where's your stereo?

It's an MP3 player in a dock by the swatches.

Find anything you like?

-Er...just this.

-I'll trade you.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

Oh.

That's...

-(HOARSELY)

-That's right there, that is.

Not everything you hoped for?

Have you got anything to get rid of the taste? Beer?

Wine?

Water, at a push?

Try this.

Nature's Chalice... bulgur wheat beer.

Mmm.

-Mmm!

-Glad you like it.

I didn't want to poison you twice in one day.

To think of all the hours I've wasted

bad-mouthing bulgur wheat beer.

You know, I think it's so important to keep trying new things, move forward.

That's how we evolve. That's how the animals evolve.

I once saw a golden retriever driving an Audi.

-That's beautiful.

-(PHONE RINGS)

Excuse me.

# ...And I always wanted

# A life like this

# And I always wanted

# A life like this... # (MOBILE RINGS)

# ...You went away for weeks... #

Brian.

-'Is everything all right?'

-No. I'm waiting outside your flat,

ready to start licking.

-'Eh? Licking what?'

-(SIGHS)

The envelopes. Remember?

The envelope licking and sealing job I got you?

Where the hell are you? I said eightish.

It's now well past quarter-pastish.

Soz, Brian. Are you going to report this, as me line manager?

Oh... Hang on - I'm just going to have to put you on hold.

(BEEP) Kev, hi-hi.

Did he?

Did he? (CHUCKLES)

Shall we pop him inside, then?

Stop him!

Sorry.

That got the baby kicking.

-I am dead disappointed, Brian.

-(BRIAN SIGHS)

Obviously, I meant £100 for a thousand letters.

Well, I thought it were the other way round.

What? Who would pay you a grand to lick 100 envelopes?

I mean, that's £10 a lick.

I happen to value my spit very highly.

If I were a Japanese schoolgirl, £10 would be a bargain.

Me tongue's drier than a muesli martini.

I've been doing it for months.

Saving me pennies for a new penis.

Seriously?

Papa's got a brand new knob?

I'm going to have two. One for casual, and one for best.

Why do folk keep bringing that round here?

I can't believe you bought another man's todger!

I mean, is it seriously possible to attach an extra...team member?

Oh, yeah!

Just five hours in surgery and you can face the world with confidence.

Jesus, Brian.

I don't know how you can be so casual about going under t'knife.

I needed counselling after me flu jab.

Hmm, I suppose I think of it as like... getting myself a new app.

-You are going to be seriously tooled up.

-Yeah.

And when we've finished this lot, I've got enough cash for the operation.

I'm not sure I can go on.

Oh, I've just thought - I've got something that can help us.

-Look.

-Oh, no!

Psycho Paul threw it in for free.

Now, this is going to cut our work in half.

Wait. Before we tidy him away, I want to look at his real face.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

He won't be pretty.

He happens to be a very attractive man.

The problem is the mask is completely glued on, so...

You must've loosened it.

-(GASPS)

-That's not him!

Not who?

That's not Cartoon Head.

-What do you mean?

-I've seen a photo of Cartoon Head.

That's not him.

Look. There's no tattoo. That's not CH!

They've pruned his tongue.

Shit! Sorry.

Shit! Sorry.

-But...but what does it mean?

-It means that...

It means that...

Cartoon Head has tricked us.

Oh, hi, CH.

We were just talking about you. Sorry.

I don't know who that is.

He was pretending to be you,

so we, um, we killed him. Sorry.

Um...I thought it's what you would have done.

I'm Jake.

Not for much longer.

Jake!

Please don't hurt him.

Thank you. Sorry.

Right. I'll pop round with your wages later in t'week.

Ooh, do you know, I cannot wait to get in that operating theatre.

Well, break a leg, or whatever it is you say to somebody

who's about to go through what you're about to go through.

-Keep your pecker up?

-(HUMOURLESS LAUGH)

I promise you'll be the first person I show them to.

Feel free to break that promise.

Right, I'm just going to pop these in my Punto, then I'll be back up for my knob.

-Unless you want to give us a hand?

-You're all right. You can manage it.

Oh, no. No, take it. It's too heavy. Take it off.

-Come on - take it off.

-Oh, don't be so soft.

No, come on. I can't see where I'm... Oh!

(CRASH)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

Me knob!

-You all right there, mateys?

-Yeah, yeah, we're fine. You?

No harm done.

I think I have stepped in something...human?

Oh, brill(!)

Oh, well, thanks to you,

I'm now condemned to live a life with one penis!

Yeah, well, welcome to my world.

-I've got a job lined up, kiddo.

-You'll get nicked.

Guess who's the latest celebrity!

-Moz in?

-No!

I wouldn't dump you - I love you, you fucking simpleton!

I think someone's been bitten by the Pinocchio vampire.

The sooner I can get your sperm, the better.

I fancy you.

I go mental, waving a replica gun around.

They pee their pants and do as they're told.

I'm going to be a lap dancer.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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