The Poster Ideal


The Poster

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This programme contains some strong language

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I reckon another hour

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and we'll be able to say we've officially moved in.

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I don't think Sanjeev's gonna be much help with the heavy lifting.

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Hey, let's get the bed made up, then.

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I want to make love to you so badly.

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Hmm. Why break the habit of a lifetime?

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What are you saying? I'm no good in bed?

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Not "no good", no.

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It's just that, well, you know, you can be a bit predictable.

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What do you want? A shag, or Tales Of The Unexpected?

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-It's nothing to worry about.

-I'm not worried.

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It's not as if Moz is a better lover than me, is it?

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Is it?

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Don't compare yourself to Moz.

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I'm not.

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But...are you comparing me to Moz?

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-No.

-Good.

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But if you were comparing me to Moz, would he be better in bed than me?

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It's not about one person being better than another.

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It's about how sensitive you are to each other's needs.

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Is he more sensitive to your needs than me, yes or no?

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-Yes.

-Is he better in bed than me?

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-Yes.

-Fine.

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-It's nothing to worry about.

-I'm not worried.

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I don't begrudge Moz his...

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his crown. I'm quite content with second place.

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Probably more like fourth.

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I was joking, obviously.

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-You still looking for a full-time job?

-Yeah.

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I'm looking on a part-time basis.

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Hey, have you thought about probation?

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I prefer to leave that to the experts.

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-Hi.

-Guess who's the latest celebrity?

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Er, a reanimated corpse with Jordan's body and Honey Monster's head?

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No, me! Remember the other day,

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down the Arndale, when those people took our photos?

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OK, yeah?

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Well, I've just been down their offices,

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and they're using me for their latest campaign!

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I'm gonna get pasted in every bus shelter in Manchester.

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Wow! You look hot.

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"I can ring people with it."

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-That is genius.

-Certainly cuts to the chase.

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They gave me five posters and two hands-free sets. Here, try one.

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Great. And how much are they paying you?

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Er, five posters and two hands-free sets.

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What?!

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If they're using your face, they have to pay you.

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Otherwise it's image burglary, or grand theft...

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face.

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Please tell me you didn't sign a contract?

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Course not. I'm not a moron. All I signed was a waiver.

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JENNY HUMS AND GIGGLES

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What I'm saying is, all men can't be Morse.

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By definition, some of us have got be Lewises.

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And I don't mind admitting I'm one of life's Lewises.

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I wouldn't go to bed with Lewis.

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I wouldn't go to bed with Morse, either.

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All right, well,

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pick a TV cop who you think I'd be about the same level as in bed.

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I don't know, Deputy Dawg?

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PHONE RINGS

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Hiya, Mum. We're just moving in.

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It really feels like a proper fresh start.

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When?

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Well, is it...?

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OK. Are you there now?

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Right. I'll come straight over.

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Love you. Bye.

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That was my mum.

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Dad's had a heart attack.

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What, a real one?

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Yes, a real one!

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He was playing rugby on the Wii.

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Mum thought he was faking it at first cos she was winning.

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Her and Jess are at the hospital now.

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I'm gonna get the next train to Cardiff.

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Should I take Sanjeev with me or should I leave him here with you?

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Best take him. I can't be pushing his buggy around on the beat any more.

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It's starting to undermine my authority.

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Hey, now Jenny's a celebrity,

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-do you think she's going to dump you?

-No.

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Hmm. She might. I'd dump you.

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Would you? Bless you for that.

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Hmm. I think she's gonna dump you.

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What sort of thing is that to say?

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You're always telling me Carmel's gonna dump me.

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-Well, she is.

-She isn't.

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Believe me, eventually, she will.

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She's too good for you and you know it.

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I don't know anything of the sort.

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And I'd never have said Jenny was too good for you. Until now.

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Cos now, her poster's gonna be everywhere.

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She's going to be getting invited to VIP parties and club openings.

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And you're just going to be holding her back,

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so she's going to cut you loose and go off shagging Second Division footballers.

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Oh, really?

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Well, do you know what I reckon?

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One day you're going to come back home

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and all of Carmel's stuff will be gone and so will she.

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And there'll be no last goodbye, no farewell note.

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Not even a cock and balls drawn on the mirror with her lipstick.

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It'll just be you. And your probation.

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Staring into the howling void.

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Moz is right. I should never have given my face for free.

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We are so skint right now.

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I can't even afford to go shoplifting.

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You should use your celebrity status.

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Have you thought about lap dancing?

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They're looking for new girls at Sexarama.

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The money can be pretty good.

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Me? No. Do you think?

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Sure. You would be amazing.

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You love dancing, right?

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I'm all about the dancing, me.

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Well, it's just dancing.

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But more sexual. And almost naked.

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I'll do it.

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Moz, I'm gonna be a lap dancer.

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-What you on about?

-Lap dancer.

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It is what it is in the tin.

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What?! Hang on there, Chav de Jour,

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-don't you think we should discuss this?

-Nope.

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Jenny, I'm not happy about you doing this.

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Well, you'll have to be happy about being unhappy about me doing it.

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What?

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I'm happy about being unhappy about Carmel doing it.

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Can't you just support me with my career move?

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-Wiggling your arse isn't a career move!

-It is!

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Seriously, Moz, Jenny could be earning big money.

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Big's my favourite kind of money.

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But...

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Look, we can't live off your savings forever.

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Because you haven't got any.

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What about the dole?

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The most precious gift a woman can receive.

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I've made up me mind, Moz.

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Jenny, you're talking about grinding round in front of total strangers,

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naked except for a couple of tassels.

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Moz, we're talking about lap dancing. You make it sound sordid.

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Well, if you're not gonna get a job,

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it looks like it's up to me to bring home the Frazzles.

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I'll find a job! Give me time.

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Rome wasn't built in Dubai.

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You know what? We're gonna let you talk this over.

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-Thank you.

-No, you can stay.

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There's nothing to talk over.

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Oh, OK.

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I'll skin one up.

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Change of plan.

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Phone me.

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You're not gonna stand in-between me and people's laps.

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Jenny, I can't stop you becoming a lap dancer. All I'm saying is I...

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-..wish I could stop you.

-You're just being a prune.

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You mean a prude?

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I'm not prudish. Or prune-ish.

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How would you feel if I started

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lap dancing and wiggling me crotch in folk's faces?

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What? You mean, we work as a team? That's a great idea.

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No!

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I've had enough.

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He just doesn't get it.

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She just doesn't get it.

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PHONE RINGS

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'Hi, our kid. How's it hanging?'

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Loose and liquid, ta.

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What do you want?

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'You interested in making some big money?'

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No, I'm not.

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So, is this it, then? Is it over?

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I'm not interested.

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'You seriously don't want to hear the plan, bro?'

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No.

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'So, you're gonna watch me get rich while you stay poor?'

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Yeah.

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Are you dumping us?

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-'Really?'

-Yes, end of conversation!

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# I know

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# That you know

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# That we know

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# What's best for you

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# You know

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# We can make all

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# Those big decisions

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# We have experience

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# In these things, you know

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# You know... #

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All right, Tilly. Need a hand?

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Hiya, Moz. It's good to see you.

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-Are you busy?

-Me? I'm always busy.

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Cos let's face it, money is time.

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OK. Do you have five minutes? Cos there's something I'm dying to share with you.

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Well, die no longer. I were built to share.

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Great. You like Rooibos tea, right?

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"Like" doesn't even begin to cover it.

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First he says he respects you.

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Then he doesn't want you to be a lap dancer.

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Is he on a poster? I don't think so.

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I'm the one who's on the poster.

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I'm the one who has to cope with the pressures of fame.

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Who needs men anyway?

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-Me, me, me.

-I don't.

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And you don't, do you, Colin?

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-I... I'm on probation.

-Yeah.

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-All men are bastards.

-Oh, if only that were true.

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-Colin, drink.

-What? Why?

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Help you to forget.

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I haven't got anything that I need to forget.

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How do you know till you try?

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-What do you think?

-Breathtaking.

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It's very, er, messy.

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It's for a collection I'm doing called Subversive Stains.

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I've printed the puke stain on it, then attached pieces of glazed carrot.

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Don't you love it?

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-Yeah, I love it.

-I'm thinking sixty pounds.

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-Of carrots?

-Sixty pounds sterling.

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Would you pay £60 for this shirt?

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Erm...

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I do them also in sweat

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and blood.

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Do you have anything in jizz?

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Oh, my God, that is such a good idea! That is such a good idea!

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Oh, my gosh! I'm gonna need some sperm to work with.

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Well, I've always got plenty going begging.

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If you wouldn't mind?

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-If I wouldn't mind what?

-Helping me out.

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Yeah, course. I'd love to.

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The sooner I can get your sperm, the better.

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Right. Yeah, right.

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What are you going to do with it, precisely?

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I'm going to scan it.

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Scan it? Are you a robot?

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I'm going to scan it with my scanner.

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Are you a robot?

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I'm going to take your sperm,

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put it in my laptop then play around with it.

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Right.

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And can I...can I watch you do it?

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Yeah. We could partner up.

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Split the profits from your idea 50-50.

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And... And I will give you blood, sweat and puke in extra large.

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It's going to be legendary.

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Damn straight.

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Thank you.

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How about breast milk?

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No, I'm fine, thanks.

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Thanks for signing it for us.

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Ah, that's OK.

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I don't want to see that on eBay.

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In seriously, Jenny, I think Moz is gonna come crawling back to you.

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I don't want him back.

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Still, you must like the sound of him crawling.

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-Oh, hi, hi.

-All right, Lewis.

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-Moz in?

-NO!

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Adios.

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Oh, hey, remember,

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-all men are bastards.

-Got you.

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Oi, don't be the cheeky one, huh?

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I'm sorry for shouting at you.

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Fancy a vodka?

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I'm still on duty, so...

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yeah, that'd be great.

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The important thing is you've got your own coping mechanism,

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and you are looking F-A-B.

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Thanks, Brian.

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See you, Bri.

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Moz just doesn't understand me.

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What's not to understand?

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What...? What you doing?

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I'm sticking my tongue...

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down your throat.

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Don't you like it?

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Er, yeah, it's nice enough. But what about Moz?

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It's over.

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He dumped me.

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-Di...? Did he?! God.

-Yeah.

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So I'm free to stick my tongue...

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-...down anyone I fancy.

-Oh.

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And right now...

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...I fancy you.

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# Embrace me

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# Release me

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# Embrace me

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# Release me

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# Deny me, then feed me

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# Deny me, then feed me

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# I love you, then lose you

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# I love you, then lose you

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# So distant, so near me

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# So distant, so near to me... #

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Honestly, Moz, your sperm idea really has legs.

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It's the liquid of the future.

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-You can use this film canister.

-That's very kind of you.

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Do you think I could get your load tomorrow night?

0:17:360:17:40

Yeah, sure. What should I come over?

0:17:410:17:44

Er, what time should I come over?

0:17:440:17:47

-Between six and nine?

-Perfect.

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Jen...

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Who would you say were best in bed? Me or Moz?

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It's not really about who's better.

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It's just different.

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It's like fish and chips and...

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bangers and mash.

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Am I bangers and mash?

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No...

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You're fish and chips.

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HE MOUTHS

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JENNY SOBS

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All right, kiddo.

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Ah, if it isn't the original Subversive Stain himself.

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-Have you got a minute?

-Nope.

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Son...

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Can't you spare your own dad just 10 minutes?

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-HE SIGHS

-Go on, then.

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But I reserve the right to tut, heckle and throw stuff.

0:19:060:19:10

Is Carol not in?

0:19:170:19:18

She's at her Bodypopping for the Blind class.

0:19:180:19:21

-Are they shopsoiled?

-Yeah.

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Got anything that'd suit me?

0:19:250:19:27

I'm working on it.

0:19:270:19:30

Look, how long's this gonna take?

0:19:300:19:32

I want to get back before Jenny does anything idiotic.

0:19:320:19:35

I've got a job lined up, kiddo.

0:19:360:19:37

Right.

0:19:370:19:39

And I'm guessing it's not the sort of work you pick up down the JobCentre?

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Take an hour, worth about 30 grand.

0:19:430:19:46

-You'll get nicked.

-I won't.

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-You will.

-I won't. I've got it all sorted.

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You. Will. Get. Nicked.

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When have I ever been nicked?

0:19:520:19:54

You've been nicked and sent down for every single job you ever pulled!

0:19:540:19:58

You've spent half your life in prison!

0:19:590:20:01

You've got a Strangeways loyalty card!

0:20:010:20:03

Hear me out, kiddo.

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This plan is so simple it's stupid.

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I've heard the stupid plans are usually the most successful.

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And I've even got some extra brains on board.

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All right, our kid.

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Oh, please forgive me.

0:20:160:20:19

I didn't realise I was sitting in the presence of two criminal masterminds.

0:20:190:20:23

Look at you. The Riddler and The Penguin.

0:20:230:20:26

Are you all right?

0:20:340:20:36

I'm all right now.

0:20:380:20:40

Jen, I...I don't know what to say.

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I hope you don't think I've taken advantage of you.

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Will you shag us again?

0:20:500:20:52

Oh.

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Is that...? Is that what you want?

0:20:590:21:03

Yeah, definitely.

0:21:030:21:06

Right.

0:21:060:21:08

Well...

0:21:080:21:09

Er, go on, then.

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SHE SOBS

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Don't let me sobbing put you off.

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See that warehouse? Anderton Cold Storage Ltd.

0:21:310:21:34

Here they come.

0:21:370:21:39

Two big lorries, stuffed wi' frozen sides of beef.

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Two drivers and one warehouse guy doing the unloading.

0:21:430:21:47

The same thing will happen at seven tomorrow evening.

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Only tomorrow, we roll up.

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I go mental, waving a replica gun around.

0:21:530:21:56

They pee their pants and do as they're told.

0:21:560:21:58

No-one's gonna be a hero over frozen cows.

0:21:580:22:01

Then we just drive off with the meat.

0:22:010:22:03

You two "just drive off"

0:22:050:22:07

with a pair of articulated lorries?

0:22:070:22:09

This isn't Smokey And The Bandit.

0:22:100:22:12

You can't even drive!

0:22:120:22:13

There's always a first time.

0:22:130:22:16

And where you planning to take your big new lorries?

0:22:160:22:19

The Mexican border?

0:22:190:22:21

Legoland?

0:22:210:22:22

A mate of mine, Dribbly Bob, he's always after stolen meat.

0:22:220:22:26

He's a food buyer for a big cruise liner.

0:22:270:22:29

I've already agreed a price. But I need your help.

0:22:290:22:32

I'm not doing it.

0:22:320:22:35

I'm not handling stolen bovine.

0:22:350:22:38

All we need you to do is act as a lookout.

0:22:380:22:40

Forget it.

0:22:400:22:42

While we're busy down there,

0:22:420:22:44

all's you've got to do is sit by this window and watch the yard gates.

0:22:440:22:48

And if you see anything suspicious, phone me on me mobile.

0:22:480:22:52

It's not asking much. I mean, I've got to turn up and go mental.

0:22:520:22:55

Yeah, but you've been in training for years for that.

0:22:550:22:58

I'm sorry, but it's out of the question.

0:22:580:23:01

Now, if you'll excuse me gentlemen, I shall bid you fuck off.

0:23:010:23:05

Your cut'd be ten grand.

0:23:070:23:09

-Ten grand?

-And there'd be nothing to link you to the job.

0:23:190:23:22

You don't even have to use your own phone.

0:23:220:23:25

I bought a new one especially.

0:23:250:23:26

Think of it.

0:23:260:23:28

You sit here staring out of a window for an hour,

0:23:280:23:30

and afterwards you're ten grand better off!

0:23:300:23:32

You'd have to be a nut-job to turn that down.

0:23:320:23:35

Shit.

0:23:380:23:39

Where's me better judgement when I need it?

0:23:400:23:43

POLICE RADIO: K-23. Come in, K-23.

0:23:510:23:53

Riot in progress on Begley Street.

0:23:530:23:55

Oh, it's a bit late.

0:23:560:23:58

Possible fatalities...

0:23:590:24:01

Oh, I'm not in the mood.

0:24:010:24:03

What do you want?

0:24:530:24:55

Wh... I was just trying to help make you cosy.

0:24:550:25:00

After the way you've behaved, how could I ever be cosy again?

0:25:000:25:04

What?

0:25:040:25:05

-What you on about? I love you.

-You don't love me.

0:25:050:25:10

You dumped me.

0:25:100:25:11

-I didn't.

-You did.

0:25:110:25:13

-I didn't dump you.

-Yes, you did.

0:25:130:25:15

-I never.

-Did!

0:25:150:25:17

I didn't dump you! I wouldn't dump you!

0:25:170:25:19

I love you, you fucking simpleton!

0:25:190:25:21

Jen, what is this?

0:25:260:25:27

I said, "Are you dumping us?" and you said, "Yeah."

0:25:270:25:30

What...?

0:25:300:25:32

When?! I have no recollection of this.

0:25:320:25:35

-That's very convenient.

-How is it convenient?

0:25:350:25:38

When was this supposed to have happened?

0:25:380:25:41

Just before you left. I said, "Are you dumping us?"

0:25:410:25:44

and you said, "Yeah. End of conversation."

0:25:440:25:47

Shit! I was talkin' to our kid on the phone. On me hands-free.

0:25:490:25:52

It's just lie after lie.

0:25:520:25:55

I think someone's been bitten by the Pinocchio vampire.

0:25:550:25:59

Look, I admit I was angry about the lap dancing, OK?

0:26:010:26:05

But I've thought about it, and...

0:26:050:26:07

It's up to you, Jen.

0:26:090:26:11

Really?

0:26:130:26:14

Really.

0:26:150:26:16

However, I feel I should point out

0:26:210:26:24

that we're not as desperate for dosh as we might've thought.

0:26:240:26:27

I've just heard that I might be...

0:26:280:26:30

inheriting quite a few grand.

0:26:300:26:32

Wow!

0:26:320:26:34

-Great.

-And Jenny, I promise

0:26:360:26:40

you will never understand just how happy I am that I found you.

0:26:400:26:44

And now that I've found you, I'm never letting you go.

0:26:450:26:49

Mmm, vodka lips. What you been up to?

0:26:520:26:55

You've only been gone a couple of hours.

0:26:560:26:59

What could I have gotten up to?

0:26:590:27:00

She's the one...

0:27:120:27:14

Who's up for a robbery?

0:27:190:27:20

This is going to blow your brains out.

0:27:200:27:22

Hi, hi.

0:27:220:27:24

It's pretty fucking real.

0:27:240:27:26

-Did you shag PC Plonker, yes or no?

-Yes.

0:27:260:27:29

I'll do that thing for you that you like me doing.

0:27:300:27:33

This is the last stupid thing I will ever do.

0:27:340:27:37

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0:27:460:27:49

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