The Poster Ideal

This programme contains some strong language

I reckon another hour

and we'll be able to say we've officially moved in.

I don't think Sanjeev's gonna be much help with the heavy lifting.

Hey, let's get the bed made up, then.

I want to make love to you so badly.

Hmm. Why break the habit of a lifetime?

What are you saying? I'm no good in bed?

Not "no good", no.

It's just that, well, you know, you can be a bit predictable.

What do you want? A shag, or Tales Of The Unexpected?

-It's nothing to worry about.

-I'm not worried.

It's not as if Moz is a better lover than me, is it?

Is it?

Don't compare yourself to Moz.

I'm not.

But...are you comparing me to Moz?

-No.

-Good.

But if you were comparing me to Moz, would he be better in bed than me?

It's not about one person being better than another.

It's about how sensitive you are to each other's needs.

Is he more sensitive to your needs than me, yes or no?

-Yes.

-Is he better in bed than me?

-Yes.

-Fine.

-It's nothing to worry about.

-I'm not worried.

I don't begrudge Moz his...

his crown. I'm quite content with second place.

Probably more like fourth.

I was joking, obviously.

-You still looking for a full-time job?

-Yeah.

I'm looking on a part-time basis.

Hey, have you thought about probation?

I prefer to leave that to the experts.

-Hi.

-Guess who's the latest celebrity?

Er, a reanimated corpse with Jordan's body and Honey Monster's head?

No, me! Remember the other day,

down the Arndale, when those people took our photos?

OK, yeah?

Well, I've just been down their offices,

and they're using me for their latest campaign!

I'm gonna get pasted in every bus shelter in Manchester.

Wow! You look hot.

"I can ring people with it."

-That is genius.

-Certainly cuts to the chase.

They gave me five posters and two hands-free sets. Here, try one.

Great. And how much are they paying you?

Er, five posters and two hands-free sets.

What?!

If they're using your face, they have to pay you.

Otherwise it's image burglary, or grand theft...

face.

Please tell me you didn't sign a contract?

Course not. I'm not a moron. All I signed was a waiver.

JENNY HUMS AND GIGGLES

What I'm saying is, all men can't be Morse.

By definition, some of us have got be Lewises.

And I don't mind admitting I'm one of life's Lewises.

I wouldn't go to bed with Lewis.

I wouldn't go to bed with Morse, either.

All right, well,

pick a TV cop who you think I'd be about the same level as in bed.

I don't know, Deputy Dawg?

PHONE RINGS

Hiya, Mum. We're just moving in.

It really feels like a proper fresh start.

When?

Well, is it...?

OK. Are you there now?

Right. I'll come straight over.

Love you. Bye.

That was my mum.

Dad's had a heart attack.

What, a real one?

Yes, a real one!

He was playing rugby on the Wii.

Mum thought he was faking it at first cos she was winning.

Her and Jess are at the hospital now.

I'm gonna get the next train to Cardiff.

Should I take Sanjeev with me or should I leave him here with you?

Best take him. I can't be pushing his buggy around on the beat any more.

It's starting to undermine my authority.

Hey, now Jenny's a celebrity,

-do you think she's going to dump you?

-No.

Hmm. She might. I'd dump you.

Would you? Bless you for that.

Hmm. I think she's gonna dump you.

What sort of thing is that to say?

You're always telling me Carmel's gonna dump me.

-Well, she is.

-She isn't.

Believe me, eventually, she will.

She's too good for you and you know it.

I don't know anything of the sort.

And I'd never have said Jenny was too good for you. Until now.

Cos now, her poster's gonna be everywhere.

She's going to be getting invited to VIP parties and club openings.

And you're just going to be holding her back,

so she's going to cut you loose and go off shagging Second Division footballers.

Oh, really?

Well, do you know what I reckon?

One day you're going to come back home

and all of Carmel's stuff will be gone and so will she.

And there'll be no last goodbye, no farewell note.

Not even a cock and balls drawn on the mirror with her lipstick.

It'll just be you. And your probation.

Staring into the howling void.

Moz is right. I should never have given my face for free.

We are so skint right now.

I can't even afford to go shoplifting.

You should use your celebrity status.

Have you thought about lap dancing?

They're looking for new girls at Sexarama.

The money can be pretty good.

Me? No. Do you think?

Sure. You would be amazing.

You love dancing, right?

I'm all about the dancing, me.

Well, it's just dancing.

But more sexual. And almost naked.

I'll do it.

Moz, I'm gonna be a lap dancer.

-What you on about?

-Lap dancer.

It is what it is in the tin.

What?! Hang on there, Chav de Jour,

-don't you think we should discuss this?

-Nope.

Jenny, I'm not happy about you doing this.

Well, you'll have to be happy about being unhappy about me doing it.

What?

I'm happy about being unhappy about Carmel doing it.

Can't you just support me with my career move?

-Wiggling your arse isn't a career move!

-It is!

Seriously, Moz, Jenny could be earning big money.

Big's my favourite kind of money.

But...

Look, we can't live off your savings forever.

Because you haven't got any.

What about the dole?

The most precious gift a woman can receive.

I've made up me mind, Moz.

Jenny, you're talking about grinding round in front of total strangers,

naked except for a couple of tassels.

Moz, we're talking about lap dancing. You make it sound sordid.

Well, if you're not gonna get a job,

it looks like it's up to me to bring home the Frazzles.

I'll find a job! Give me time.

Rome wasn't built in Dubai.

You know what? We're gonna let you talk this over.

-Thank you.

-No, you can stay.

There's nothing to talk over.

Oh, OK.

I'll skin one up.

Change of plan.

Phone me.

You're not gonna stand in-between me and people's laps.

Jenny, I can't stop you becoming a lap dancer. All I'm saying is I...

-..wish I could stop you.

-You're just being a prune.

You mean a prude?

I'm not prudish. Or prune-ish.

How would you feel if I started

lap dancing and wiggling me crotch in folk's faces?

What? You mean, we work as a team? That's a great idea.

No!

I've had enough.

He just doesn't get it.

She just doesn't get it.

PHONE RINGS

'Hi, our kid. How's it hanging?'

Loose and liquid, ta.

What do you want?

'You interested in making some big money?'

No, I'm not.

So, is this it, then? Is it over?

I'm not interested.

'You seriously don't want to hear the plan, bro?'

No.

'So, you're gonna watch me get rich while you stay poor?'

Yeah.

Are you dumping us?

-'Really?'

-Yes, end of conversation!

# I know

# That you know

# That we know

# What's best for you

# You know

# We can make all

# Those big decisions

# We have experience

# In these things, you know

# You know... #

All right, Tilly. Need a hand?

Hiya, Moz. It's good to see you.

-Are you busy?

-Me? I'm always busy.

Cos let's face it, money is time.

OK. Do you have five minutes? Cos there's something I'm dying to share with you.

Well, die no longer. I were built to share.

Great. You like Rooibos tea, right?

"Like" doesn't even begin to cover it.

First he says he respects you.

Then he doesn't want you to be a lap dancer.

Is he on a poster? I don't think so.

I'm the one who's on the poster.

I'm the one who has to cope with the pressures of fame.

Who needs men anyway?

-Me, me, me.

-I don't.

And you don't, do you, Colin?

-I... I'm on probation.

-Yeah.

-All men are bastards.

-Oh, if only that were true.

-Colin, drink.

-What? Why?

Help you to forget.

I haven't got anything that I need to forget.

How do you know till you try?

-What do you think?

-Breathtaking.

It's very, er, messy.

It's for a collection I'm doing called Subversive Stains.

I've printed the puke stain on it, then attached pieces of glazed carrot.

Don't you love it?

-Yeah, I love it.

-I'm thinking sixty pounds.

-Of carrots?

-Sixty pounds sterling.

Would you pay £60 for this shirt?

Erm...

I do them also in sweat

and blood.

Do you have anything in jizz?

Oh, my God, that is such a good idea! That is such a good idea!

Oh, my gosh! I'm gonna need some sperm to work with.

Well, I've always got plenty going begging.

If you wouldn't mind?

-If I wouldn't mind what?

-Helping me out.

Yeah, course. I'd love to.

The sooner I can get your sperm, the better.

Right. Yeah, right.

What are you going to do with it, precisely?

I'm going to scan it.

Scan it? Are you a robot?

I'm going to scan it with my scanner.

Are you a robot?

I'm going to take your sperm,

put it in my laptop then play around with it.

Right.

And can I...can I watch you do it?

Yeah. We could partner up.

Split the profits from your idea 50-50.

And... And I will give you blood, sweat and puke in extra large.

It's going to be legendary.

Damn straight.

Thank you.

How about breast milk?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

Thanks for signing it for us.

Ah, that's OK.

I don't want to see that on eBay.

In seriously, Jenny, I think Moz is gonna come crawling back to you.

I don't want him back.

Still, you must like the sound of him crawling.

-Oh, hi, hi.

-All right, Lewis.

-Moz in?

-NO!

Adios.

Oh, hey, remember,

-all men are bastards.

-Got you.

Oi, don't be the cheeky one, huh?

I'm sorry for shouting at you.

Fancy a vodka?

I'm still on duty, so...

yeah, that'd be great.

The important thing is you've got your own coping mechanism,

and you are looking F-A-B.

Thanks, Brian.

See you, Bri.

Moz just doesn't understand me.

What's not to understand?

What...? What you doing?

I'm sticking my tongue...

down your throat.

Don't you like it?

Er, yeah, it's nice enough. But what about Moz?

It's over.

He dumped me.

-Di...? Did he?! God.

-Yeah.

So I'm free to stick my tongue...

-...down anyone I fancy.

-Oh.

And right now...

...I fancy you.

# Embrace me

# Release me

# Embrace me

# Release me

# Deny me, then feed me

# Deny me, then feed me

# I love you, then lose you

# I love you, then lose you

# So distant, so near me

# So distant, so near to me... #

Honestly, Moz, your sperm idea really has legs.

It's the liquid of the future.

-You can use this film canister.

-That's very kind of you.

Do you think I could get your load tomorrow night?

Yeah, sure. What should I come over?

Er, what time should I come over?

-Between six and nine?

-Perfect.

Jen...

Who would you say were best in bed? Me or Moz?

It's not really about who's better.

It's just different.

It's like fish and chips and...

bangers and mash.

Am I bangers and mash?

No...

You're fish and chips.

HE MOUTHS

JENNY SOBS

All right, kiddo.

Ah, if it isn't the original Subversive Stain himself.

-Have you got a minute?

-Nope.

Son...

Can't you spare your own dad just 10 minutes?

-HE SIGHS

-Go on, then.

But I reserve the right to tut, heckle and throw stuff.

Is Carol not in?

She's at her Bodypopping for the Blind class.

-Are they shopsoiled?

-Yeah.

Got anything that'd suit me?

I'm working on it.

Look, how long's this gonna take?

I want to get back before Jenny does anything idiotic.

I've got a job lined up, kiddo.

Right.

And I'm guessing it's not the sort of work you pick up down the JobCentre?

Take an hour, worth about 30 grand.

-You'll get nicked.

-I won't.

-You will.

-I won't. I've got it all sorted.

You. Will. Get. Nicked.

When have I ever been nicked?

You've been nicked and sent down for every single job you ever pulled!

You've spent half your life in prison!

You've got a Strangeways loyalty card!

Hear me out, kiddo.

This plan is so simple it's stupid.

I've heard the stupid plans are usually the most successful.

And I've even got some extra brains on board.

All right, our kid.

Oh, please forgive me.

I didn't realise I was sitting in the presence of two criminal masterminds.

Look at you. The Riddler and The Penguin.

Are you all right?

I'm all right now.

Jen, I...I don't know what to say.

I hope you don't think I've taken advantage of you.

Will you shag us again?

Oh.

Is that...? Is that what you want?

Yeah, definitely.

Right.

Well...

Er, go on, then.

SHE SOBS

Don't let me sobbing put you off.

See that warehouse? Anderton Cold Storage Ltd.

Here they come.

Two big lorries, stuffed wi' frozen sides of beef.

Two drivers and one warehouse guy doing the unloading.

The same thing will happen at seven tomorrow evening.

Only tomorrow, we roll up.

I go mental, waving a replica gun around.

They pee their pants and do as they're told.

No-one's gonna be a hero over frozen cows.

Then we just drive off with the meat.

You two "just drive off"

with a pair of articulated lorries?

This isn't Smokey And The Bandit.

You can't even drive!

There's always a first time.

And where you planning to take your big new lorries?

The Mexican border?

Legoland?

A mate of mine, Dribbly Bob, he's always after stolen meat.

He's a food buyer for a big cruise liner.

I've already agreed a price. But I need your help.

I'm not doing it.

I'm not handling stolen bovine.

All we need you to do is act as a lookout.

Forget it.

While we're busy down there,

all's you've got to do is sit by this window and watch the yard gates.

And if you see anything suspicious, phone me on me mobile.

It's not asking much. I mean, I've got to turn up and go mental.

Yeah, but you've been in training for years for that.

I'm sorry, but it's out of the question.

Now, if you'll excuse me gentlemen, I shall bid you fuck off.

Your cut'd be ten grand.

-Ten grand?

-And there'd be nothing to link you to the job.

You don't even have to use your own phone.

I bought a new one especially.

Think of it.

You sit here staring out of a window for an hour,

and afterwards you're ten grand better off!

You'd have to be a nut-job to turn that down.

Shit.

Where's me better judgement when I need it?

POLICE RADIO: K-23. Come in, K-23.

Riot in progress on Begley Street.

Oh, it's a bit late.

Possible fatalities...

Oh, I'm not in the mood.

What do you want?

Wh... I was just trying to help make you cosy.

After the way you've behaved, how could I ever be cosy again?

What?

-What you on about? I love you.

-You don't love me.

You dumped me.

-I didn't.

-You did.

-I didn't dump you.

-Yes, you did.

-I never.

-Did!

I didn't dump you! I wouldn't dump you!

I love you, you fucking simpleton!

Jen, what is this?

I said, "Are you dumping us?" and you said, "Yeah."

What...?

When?! I have no recollection of this.

-That's very convenient.

-How is it convenient?

When was this supposed to have happened?

Just before you left. I said, "Are you dumping us?"

and you said, "Yeah. End of conversation."

Shit! I was talkin' to our kid on the phone. On me hands-free.

It's just lie after lie.

I think someone's been bitten by the Pinocchio vampire.

Look, I admit I was angry about the lap dancing, OK?

But I've thought about it, and...

It's up to you, Jen.

Really?

Really.

However, I feel I should point out

that we're not as desperate for dosh as we might've thought.

I've just heard that I might be...

inheriting quite a few grand.

Wow!

-Great.

-And Jenny, I promise

you will never understand just how happy I am that I found you.

And now that I've found you, I'm never letting you go.

Mmm, vodka lips. What you been up to?

You've only been gone a couple of hours.

What could I have gotten up to?

She's the one...

Who's up for a robbery?

This is going to blow your brains out.

Hi, hi.

It's pretty fucking real.

-Did you shag PC Plonker, yes or no?

-Yes.

I'll do that thing for you that you like me doing.

This is the last stupid thing I will ever do.

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